Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 22nd April

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

Series 108 of the topical quiz where Andy Zaltzman grabs the week’s headlines and hurls them at four of the nation’s best comedians and journalists. This week Andy is joined by Hugo Rifkind, Felicity Ward, Daliso Chaponda and Eleanor Tiernan. Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Katie Baum A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and for the last six weeks while the News Quiz has been off air, I've been locked in this cryogenic freezer to take a break from the news. Hopefully it's all moved on from earlier in the year and we'll have some lovely, fresh stories to get stuck into.

Let's check the... Oh. Oh. Is that still... Did I just programme this for six minutes instead of six weeks? Useless piece of BBC garbage. T'was ever thus. Let's crack on. Welcome to the News Quiz. Hello. I am Andy Zoltson.

We are recording in the week of the Queen's birthday, which means this show will be repeated in June for ceremonial purposes. She's 96 now, just one good shot away from the century, but probably best to accumulate your way there rather than get there in a blaze of glory. So many people make that mistake. Time to meet our teams for this week.

We have Team What Rules against Team What Fools. On Team Rules, we have Felicity Ward and Deliso Chaponda. Yes! And on Team Fools, it's Hugo Rifkind and Eleanor Tiernan. And our first question of the series goes to Team Fools, to Hugo and Eleanor. Who is facing a probe into his probity? It's got to be Boris Johnson.

Correct. Right, good. Yeah, I mean, I think we've got to be fair about this. I think, I know this has gone on a long time, but look, his position still is that it did not occur to him when walking into a room with a cake in it full of people wearing hats and singing happy birthday on his birthday that he was at a party for his birthday.

I think we should be supportive of the Prime Minister at this difficult time, particularly because there's a war on. In fact, it's interesting that there's a war on, because you think the reason why they had all these parties was because there was a pandemic on and they were very upset. So God knows what's happening in Downing Street now. So I'm inclined to be very, very sympathetic to these wonderful people in every...

I can't even say it. It's been very well to keep it going for that long. Yeah, thank you. I think there's a great opportunity because they're going to discuss this while Boris is in India. I think do the investigation. If he's found guilty, just don't let him back in. I don't know.

Well, one thing is good because I think cool people now have a new standard to measure how bad parties are. You know, if you meet somebody now and they say, oh, that party was really bad, you can say, yeah, but was it so bad that you confused it with a work event? No, it was not that bad. I actually

cannot make another joke about Boris Johnson ever again. So what I want to talk about is I actually became a British citizen today. Congratulations. That means that you lost the ashes, Felicity. As part of the citizenship process, do you... Because it's one in one out at the moment, isn't it? Do you get to choose who has to leave?

Yeah, I sent my husband to Australia. Yeah, no. Boris Johnson's fixed penalty notice, which all these debates have been about, has been variously compared to different things. A parking fine, a speeding ticket, the crime of using cream in a carbonara. Truly unforgivable in my book.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said it was like the DRS system in cricket. He said sometimes the batsman in good faith thinks he's not out LBW, sometimes the umpire thinks he's not out in good faith, it goes to the third umpire who says it's out and then the batsman accepts the decision. It's exactly what's happened to the Prime Minister in everything apart from accepting the decision and dragging it on for months and months and months and it doesn't quite work anyway because this is more like a situation where a cricketer has made a new rule that you

can't wear pads made of puppies then strides to the wicket with 14 baby Labradors strapped to his legs and said, I'm sorry, I had literally no idea. So what actually... Is there any comparison? Is it at all like a parking fine or a speeding ticket, Hugo?

It's a bit like cricket in that I've no idea what's going on. Is that possibly where the issue is here, that we're using investigations for very trivial matters and they should just be for serious things like murders and they should be carried out by eccentric detectives with a flair for theatricality? So I would be on board with investigations then if it was a Columbo-style ending to it where he came in, just one more thing, Mr Johnson. I would be on board with investigations then if, you know, it was a Columbo-style ending to it

where he came in, just one more thing, Mr Johnson. I would be on board with... If you weren't at a party, how come you were standing there with a tie around your head holding two pints and singing Agadou? Like, I would definitely be on board with that if there was a mystery.

Like, literally everybody knows what happened it's like calling in paro when you've just finished playing cludo and you're like it was a lead piping and he's like maybe it was the rope no we all know i've totally lost track of what's happening so like the parliamentary standards committee want to investigate him but they were going to have a vote to tell them not to but then they thought they might lose it because unexpectedly all these tory mps have got a spine and um and so now they're promising to have another vote if they don't have a vote they'll have a vote later on whether they should have a vote in the first place or something like that anyone well i'm aware i'm the political journalist on the panel. I'm totally lost here.

I mean, this, you know, sort of keeping referring it to Ukraine, there was a man in Suffolk this week who was fined for kicking a hedgehog. It was fined £277 because his lawyer did not, for whatever reason, run with the, yes, my client kicked a hedgehog, but Vladimir Putin has just launched a major offensive in the Donbass region, so let's get it in perspective. If you kick a hedgehog as well, surely the punishment

should just be having to take your shoe off and kick it again. A hedgehog still gets hurt the second time. Maybe just, I don't know. Not Hugo's problem, I get it. Depends how hard you kicked it the first time, to be fair. Yes, it's April.

The British springtime and all the traditional sounds that come with it. The chirping of the birds, the plink of leather on willow, the happy splish and splash of children frolicking in sewage-laden rivers as they merrily play the traditional spring wildlife-spotting game of trout or stool. And, of course, the rancorous squabbling of politicians about Covid law-breaking parties in Downing Street, which feels like it's been a national tradition

since the dawn of time. Partygate rumbles on. In a moment of House of Commons hide... Well, not really hide, no real drama whatsoever in the end, MPs voted to open an investigation into whether Boris Johnson misled the House on the subject of these lockdown parties. And that investigation will happen maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow, but someday, probably, when the Sue Gray report is finally released and the police have finished giggling at the photos. Did he lie? Well, I guess that may depend on whether or not you think not telling the truth counts as lying. Some have claimed that Johnson has been left with no moral credibility whatsoever. In other words, he's been completely undamaged by the crisis. Because as the wise old political saying goes, if you throw enough mud at

a wall, some of it sticks. But if you throw enough mud at a volcano of mud, you have an indiscernible larger volcano of mud uh moving on to something that might prove to be even more important than either parties or nuclear war nasa the celebrity american space boffinery uh could provoke what and how this goes to both teams any suggestions? Eleanor? Yeah I think this is about broadcasting the location of Earth into space

which might be intercepted by aliens and they could be aggressive and attack us

so there's infighting amongst the scientific community about the wisdom of broadcasting our location it's kind of a Rorschach test for how you feel aliens will regard us in the future.

You know, if you're positive about aliens, you'll be happy to send the information out. But if you have quite a negative view of aliens, alienism, if you like, you might think twice about that. And I feel like it's probably not something human beings are going to be able to resist doing anyway like some foolish

person will broadcast our location at some point. There's no way human beings are going to be able to keep that under wraps really. Someone will check in on Facebook or something you know having a great time at the bottomless brunch 34 million miles west of Mars

something. But it's more than just, like, the location. They're sending, like, our DNA, right? Naked pictures, right? Literally, my issue with all of this is it makes us seem a little desperate. We need to play hard to get with the galaxy, maybe send quarter of our genome and equations but no answers. Like, let's maintain a little bit of mystery. So you're saying it's more, like, Tinder than science?

Yes! Some of the scientists were upset about the naked pictures thing, and it was a bit weird that. It was like they were worried that, you know, because it's sort of men and women in the Michelangelo position. It was like they were a bit worried that the aliens were going to be turned on. But it's like, I don't know. We're also going to be turned on.

But it's like, we're not turned on by the spectacle of a sort of giant woodlouse without trousers, you know. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. It's so upsetting to me that, If NASA sends nudes it's science But if I send nudes It's against the law But what is also worrying is

They're sending these broadcasts To the Trappist Galaxy I believe it's called The Trappist The warning's in the name It's a trap Trappist galaxy, I believe it's called, the Trappist. The warning's in the name. It's a trap! Well, Trappists, they're not going to reply, are they? Yes, NASA have announced plans to broadcast the Earth's location into outer space as part of the Beacon in the Galaxy project,

Oxford academic Dr Anders Sandberg has warned that this could attract unwelcome attention from aliens. It could also attract welcome attention from aliens. I don't know why we... The constant assumptions that alien species just want to thieve, kill, stick probes in things and destroy the planet. Can we please stop judging extraterrestrial beings by our own standards?

Space messages always seem to include nude images of humans, which isn't the best way to make contact across the galaxy, with essentially a dick pic. And it will be interesting to see if, when the aliens turn up, they turn up with a crate of underpants and some sun cream. The scores, now, are

six to team What Rules and seven to team What Fools. Oh! Deliso and Felicity, the next question goes to you. Which news ruined the Easter weekend for the Archbishop of Canterbury? OK, so this is clearly the plan to send asylum seekers to Rwanda. I was born a refugee. I'm African.

I have some thoughts, okay? So first of all, I think it's very arrogant to express this non-welcoming attitude towards refugees because it's based on not understanding that at some point anyone can be a refugee. I was a baby when I was a refugee. You can become a refugee. And I know the English feel so safe that they'll never be refugees, but the Welsh one day are going to have enough. They're going to invade and no one's gonna want to take you right and then the second point i have is this idea of give 190 million to a country to take your refugees doesn't that mean that they

could then give 100 million to a poorer african country keep and say, you take them. And then they keep 70, give 20 to another, and they just keep passing them around. And next thing you know, you're going to have refugees in Malawi and they don't want to be there. Trust me on that. Right. That's why I'm here. And then the third point I have, like, don't sell me to Burundi before I get this out. Right. My third and final point, which I have, is even the people who are criticizing this government's point, a lot of them are doing it and portraying, like, Rwanda like the end of the world or, like, this terrible place. Rwanda's a wonderful place. The problem is the idea of outsourcing, like, it's DHL. And even DHL lets you leave it to the neighbours, right?

Rwanda is a wonderful place. It's not like they're sending them to Benidorm. It's just... As a Brit, or as a Pom, as these vulgar Australians tend to call us, I've got some ideas about foreigners coming to this country and I just... Like, what are their motives, you know? Like, why don't they just have a parent that was born here, like me? Then they wouldn't be seeking refugee status. I'm just saying it's something to consider now that I'm here.

Rwanda might be, like, a nice place, but in the last election, I think Kagame, he got 98.8% of the vote, right? Which I think only Priti Patel could look at that and go, well, that must mean it's lovely there. I don't think it's a real policy. I don't think they're actually going to ever be able to send anyone. Because it's not like they're sending people

to go through the process there and then they get to come in. It's basically saying, no, if you come here and we decide you're an economic migrant, you have to go to Rwanda instead. You know, like, just instead. Not like for a period of time. Also, what was the conversation with Rwanda? Like, oh, you remember 20 years ago when you were refugees

and we didn't want you? Now there's a different group of refugees we don't want. Do you want them? Well, it's also selling it to Rwanda. So what we need here is a country that people are going to think is horrific. And it's like, oh yeah, that's us. Rwanda has low self-esteem, is what we're saying.

I don't think I can make it funny, but I might be able to make it slightly positive, which is letting people know that what's been happening in Ukraine might have the effect of changing Ireland's attitude towards immigration. We've been quite generous in taking in a lot of Ukrainian refugees, up to 200,000. People are getting a great sense of self-esteem and positivity. Everyone's rolling in together and it's making the country feel more positive. But it's going to be very hard to go back to treating

immigrants the way we used to treat them afterwards. So it's almost like Putin's war in the Ukraine is making Ireland less racist, which I don't think was what he set out to do. Are you backing further military action? I don't think I was. So Priti Patel said in response to the criticism, we're taking bold and innovative steps, and it's surprising that those institutions that criticise the plans

fail to offer their own solutions. Now, I mean, at times, there are times when, you know, saying that's wrong is not... So if you release poisonous snakes into a nursing home... LAUGHTER ..and someone says, don't't do that then you can't really say well you haven't suggested any other ways to make these people get up and do more exercise so i'm going to carry on with the snakes um i mean is that a fair criticism hugo and you know what

would you know what are what are labor's solutions to to the issue well i mean you know obviously like everyone, I've been thinking about the alternatives. And I guess I'm torn between sort of letting them just sort of come here and live peaceful lives, working and living out their lives in a happy and peaceful way, and sort of learning them into a cannon and firing them at the sun. Both of which seem totally reasonable.

I mean, I've made some dark jokes tonight, but that... I'm like... You say that, but it'll be in the manifesto next time, bet you. Yeah, yeah. The church v state squabble on this is quite interesting. The Archbishop of Canterbury, or ABC, as he's known, as featured in the Jackson 5 song, he attacked the government's plan

as the opposite of the nature of God. The government, after checking the latest rules and regulations on ridding rulers of annoying archbishops of Canterbury, which have been regrettably updated since the 1170s, told ABC to keep it under his might. I mean, there's a tension, isn't there? I mean, it seems kind tension, isn't there? A tension between... It seems kind of weird in the

2020s to have this church v. state squabble, doesn't it? Yeah, to be on the church's side. For the first time in 300 years, I'm on the church's side. When the church isn't allowed to say, that's bad about something. When the church isn't allowed to say, that's bad about something,

when the church isn't allowed to say, that's the wrong thing to do, then you're kind of like, come on, you know, what's the... I mean, I don't know what the point is, I'm Jewish, but I am... Isn't that the point? I don't know. The Almighty himself has remained characteristically tight-lipped on the matter. Sam, you can solve so many of these problems

if you just came out and said something. It's clearly a very difficult issue. Something must be done. I think we all agree on that. The government are doing something and now they're saying, what are you complaining about? That seems to be the logical. And compromises have to be reached.

And we all know how difficult it can be to find compromises, particularly if any of you are parents. Say if you have two children who have the same birthday and one of them likes cricket and the other one likes platypuses. And you come up with a compromise of a birthday party in which a children's entertainer batters platypuses to death with a cricket bat. I mean, that's...

It's a compromise, but no-one's very happy with it. Right, at the end of that round, the scores are 10 to Team What Rules and 8 to Team What Fools. And this question can go to Hugo and Eleanor. If the answer is Grant Shapps should put on a hoodie and make a promotional video, what on earth was the question?

This is about railfres, isn't it? Correct. The government is giving us half-priced rail fares. There's something to do with the cost of living crisis. I don't quite understand why. It's more like if you can't afford to heat your house, then just go somewhere else for a bit. Yeah, I think that's it.

Go on a train without air conditioning. Oh, this is pretty hot. That's right, that's it. Go on a train without air conditioning. Oh, this is pretty hot. That's right, it's summer. Yeah, they've gone down from £5,000 to Manchester now to £2,500, so... ..far more affordable. I do think that there's something disingenuous about, like, somewhat well-to-do comedians

discussing the cost-of-l comedians discussing the cost of living crisis may seem a bit inappropriate. So, to remedy this, there is a beggar who lives outside my flat, and I asked him what he thought. I said, I'm going on the news quiz, and I'm going to be talking about poverty. What's your opinion? And he said a series of expletives.

That's why we can't have him on the show. And he said a series of expletives and said that's why we can't have him on the show and he said series of expletives and i think that he meant it to the government and to you andy all right right and he wouldn't be the first and and not to me of course but yes delisa did you inform him he could now get a half price ticket to bir. Because that really might have made a difference. It's been called the Great British Rail Sale. I mean, is this term Great British being bandied around? Because it's plonked in front of everything now, the Great British Bake Off, the Great British Sewing Bee.

That didn't work out well for me, that one. I couldn't get the bees to lie still long enough to and also it's not the greatest of offers in that some train tickets are being reduced by 50 for some of the next some time and it's i think all part of the government's plan to be seen to at least kind of sort of be doing something to tackle the escalating cost of living crisis which has seen the price of fuel food and in some cases your wife's tax bill on overseas earnings, rocket upwards uncontrollably. And it was entirely baffling. Transport Secretary Grant Shapps announced this scheme for reasons best known to some

absent-minded public relations advisor somewhere, through the medium of a video advertisement in which he wears a hoodie and struggles to put on and take off a jacket this is not ministerial but it's fair to say that shaps took to the screen like a duck to the m6 it shouldn't be there it should know by now it shouldn't be there and it was a very distressing thing for everyone to have to watch i didn't quite understand when you first said the sentence i thought you said it was a guy called Grant wearing chaps in a video. I'm like, I don't think that was a government video you were watching. Moving on. The cost of living crisis is forcing young people in Wales to do what?

No, it's not that. To do what? Get warm, if you know what I mean. Live with their parents. Correct. Yes. I lived with my parents for a while. They were conservationists, or preservationists.

Anyway, they made jam. And I am, this is not a lie, I'm currently living with my husband's parents at the moment because we're trying to save money and ruin our relationship. And... LAUGHTER parents at the moment because we're trying to save money and ruin our relationship and the people I feel sorry for are childless Welsh couples who don't have any adult children to move back in with them and what I thought I'd do is I'd just offer myself yeah I thought I could be the teenager the Welsh teenager that you long for, you know, I've got great skills in that area,

you know, I can shout and slam doors and, yeah, use up all the electricity and spend ages on the phone to my friends. Yeah, it's just an offer if anybody wants to take me out. The BBC, them again, has claimed that rising living costs as well as property and rental prices

are forcing young professionals in Wales to move back home with their parents and some junior doctors who live with their parents are also being forced under a new government scheme to take their patients home with them at weekends. Get extra value for money for the NHS, proving a little bit awkward. Mum, is it okay

if I bring someone home this weekend? Oh, have you met someone new, darling? Not exactly. His name is Reginald. He's 98. He's got Alzheimer's and a colostomy bag. Oh, very modern. As long as you're both happy, darling, but I won't tell your father till I'm sure he's ready. Next question, again, can go to both teams.

Whose pupils have been dilating for 40 years? What has been getting bigger and bigger and bigger? Kids. Right, yes, kids are bigger, right? Yeah. And so they can't fit in the desks and the chairs in schools, right? Which might mean that this entire cost of living crisis is actually the government's plan

to squeeze a few extra years out of those desks and chairs via malnourishment this is like i've read that it's like so what teachers are complaining that the pupils in their class are getting physically bigger i mean it was a very puzzling story it said the average foot has gone up two sizes in 40 years mine's gone up a lot more than that like a lot more it that. Like a lot more. It's also, of course, it's not just like school pupils who've been getting bigger recently. I mean, I've

been doing this show for about 10 years and the host used to only be the size of Sandy Toksvig. Isn't the solution obvious? The students are getting bigger. Teach them from further away. Yes, Britain is facing a national school legram crisis after teachers at the annual NASUWT conference claimed that their classrooms are cramped, not just because of bigger class sizes, but because pupils themselves have been getting physically bigger.

The average pupil is now taller, chunkier and with bigger feet compared with the mid-1970s. Join the dots people. Thank you, Brussels. This is why we had to leave the EU. They were making our school kids massive. If we'd stayed in the EU, then by the year 2483

all school children would be the tallest person in history. Exam questions are having to be adjusted to reflect the new status quo. This year's GCSE maths paper, please listen away if you're taking GCSE maths, includes this question. If Johnny has four apples a day, as well as a balanced nutritious diet full of protein, calcium and vitamins, and Ian grew up in the 1970s and lived on Angel Delight and Benson and Hedges

how much taller will Johnny end up than Ian? Right, that concludes this week's show with the final scores Team What Fools, Hugo and Eleanor have 16, Team What Rules, Felicity and Deliso just behind on 14 Before we leave, the world has been Anne de Lis, oh, just behind on 14.

Before we leave, the world has been riven by numerous disputes and the United Nations has just announced some completely pointless topics for argument for people to argue about so that we stop arguing about the more important stuff to make a consequence-free bicker for all of us with anonymous strangers. These topics include are normal trucks afraid of monster trucks?

Do birds actually enjoy flying? Or are ostriches just ahead of the game? Who would have been the better Formula One driver, composer Bedrick Smetana or painter Tintoretto? And when will we finally get round to counting all the world's peas? Please have arguments about that instead of everything else. The world will be a happier place. That concludes this week's News Quiz.

Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. APPLAUSE Taking part in the News Quiz were Hugo Rifkind, Delisa Japonda, Eleanor Tiernan and Felicity Ward. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Shepherd and Jade

Gebbie. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.