Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 23rd September

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week’s news.

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BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. We present the News Quiz with your host, Andy Zaltzman. Hello. As an energy-saving measure, I'm doing this line of the show in a quiet voice, so less electricity is needed to create the sound waves from your speakers

or headphones. We've all got to do our bit. Thank you for not laughing. We have to be careful about earth tremors. Our teams this week, we have Team Trickle Down against Team Buckle Up. On Team Trickle Down, we have Ian Smith and Esther Monito. And on Team Buckle Up, it's Rialina and Hugo Rifkin.

So, yes, the country has returned to reality following the funeral of Queen Elizabeth. According to the Institute for Fiscal Studies, the government's so-called mini-budget this week could result in a massive what for years to come? Anyone? A massive what? Debt. Yes? So it's a mini-budget, right? But the reason why it's a mini-budget rather than a proper budget

is because Kwasi Kwarteng, whose name I always think makes him sound like he's not a real Kwarteng... LAUGHTER He doesn't want the OBR to check the budget. He wants to just be able to say, meh, maths, and no-one's allowed to say, no, wrong. So it's basically, it's not small, the mini-budget, it's massive, but it's just not called an actual budget,

I think is what's going on, right? That really irritates me as well, because they're being really specific about it. They're like, it's not a budget, it's a targeted fiscal event. That's what they've called it, targeted fiscal event, but as we know from ukraine whether you call it a war or special military operation the effects are still devastating and i think the same thing applies to this mini budget targeted fiscal event i guess it's that thing of like this trust's economic plan is to like um invest in businesses and all this kind of stuff and then that will eventually help

people who have got less money but it doesn't really work when people are in like immediate peril so it's like seeing someone sort of dangling off the side of a cliff and saying don't worry I am going to heavily invest in the rope industry It's Liz Truss' big idea that Britain is going to return

to trickle-down economics. And a lot of people don't understand what trickle-down economics is, but basically it's like, if you think of wealth as being like water, then the idea of you've got the rich sitting in the bath, and you add more and more water, eventually it comes over the sides and sort of trickles down to the rest of us. But that's obviously not what happens, because the rich just get bigger baths. These people have enormous baths.

Have you seen the size of the baths? I don't remember reading that much about baths. Is the moral of the story that we have to learn to build baths? Yes. Because then you can give the big baths to the rich people but then you can still make your own bath. If that's what you're worried about, if you're a bath builder, just make your own bath.

But what if you're not a bath builder? What then? I love the battle here between bath and bath. The Treasury have said that they're not going to publish the economic forecast, which seems to suggest the forecast is not good. You'd be terrified if on the news they said, oh, and over to Jonathan with the weather,

and then Jonathan just goes, yeah, I'd rather not say. Ignorance is bliss. In other government moves, the Health Secretary, Therese Coffey, has pledged that no-one will have to wait more than two weeks for what? Oh, the smoking Health Secretary.

That makes it sound sexier than I meant, actually. LAUGHTER Is everything all right at home? Not once this goes out. Not more than two weeks for a doctor's appointment. That's correct. Which will be great next time you put a nail in your knee, won't it? Well, hang on, let's be clear.

You don't have to wait more than two weeks for the appointment. That doesn't mean you get to see a doctor when you get there. Like, we need to see doctors. I'm still calling up, and then there's a woman with no medical training that decides whether or not I even get to speak to a doctor. Are you sure you're calling the right person? And when they're like, can you send us a photo?

And I'm like, you're all just sat around laughing at this. Is that photo supposed to be of the medical problem you're asking them about? I've just been sending my best picture. And they've written back going, you are really low on iron. I'm really upset at the laugh that that got. Can we clarify for the listeners at home,

he is fully clothed. And absolutely ripped. Yes, two weeks for a GP's appointment. Anyone who has to wait more than a fortnight will be sent an email from the Department of Health telling them that they are, quotes, almost certainly fine. Another interesting move the government has made,

this question can go to Ian and Esther. Who says what is a cracking idea? Does it rhyme? Yeah, basically. Yeah, fracking. Correct, yes. Fracking is cracking, literally. Like, the earth apart.

I mean, it does feel like the kind of thing that you see at the start of a disaster movie, doesn't it? Where someone says, oh, yeah, we'll just make these little earthquakes happen in the earth's crust and it's all perfectly fine and nothing can go possibly wrong, and then an hour and a half later you've got a giant half-dinosaur, half-volcano eating London in one mouthful. It is funny that they want to bring up the earthquake limits.

Like, there's someone's job to lobby for more earthquakes. Like, that must be the best... Imagine that job largely just involves you going, come on! Ah, a bit of an earthquake. I know earthquakes are generally, or can be quite bad. But a small one is fun. If a small earthquake happened now,

I think we'd all, we'd love it. We'd all love it. I remember when I used to live in India, me and my husband were asleep and there was a little earthquake and he woke up livid, turned to me and went, will you stop shaking the house? It's Jacob Rees-Mogg, isn't it, who's mad for fracking? Which is weird, because it's all about gas

and he probably doesn't use gas, he uses a sort of paraffin. He also said that people who are against fracking are being paid by the Russians. I'm waiting for my cheque, frankly. Yes, at last, after having a Prime Minister who was prepared to hide in a fridge at the first sign of an awkward question, we now have one who is prepared to look at a country

beset by a cost-of-living crisis that most affects those at the bottom of the economic trouser leg and a world facing spiralling environmental catastrophes and think, what we need is bigger bonuses for the hyper-wealthy, and we need to burn more fossil fuels. And we also need to re-energise the NHS by moving the British Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

At last, we have a Prime Minister who is prepared to take the difficult decisions, regardless of how wrong those decisions are. Concerns have been expressed about contamination of water supplies and fun-sized earthquakes, but these have been batted off by frack fans who say that water is boring on its own and that we are still way below global average for earthquakes. And if you look at the world's

leading economic powers, USA, China and Japan, they all boast significant tectonic faults. And Britain must catch up if we want to compete on the global stage. I'm also just hearing about plans to install an active volcano outside Matlock. So, at the end of that round, it's four points each.

But you can have this next question, Hugo and Maria. Who is set to vote about voting? It's the Labour Party conferences coming up next week, isn't it? One of the hot topics is electoral reform. Of all the things that Labour should

and could be dealing with next week, they want to propose proportional representation in Britain, which I think is a great idea. And I'm totally in favour of it. I just don't know if now is the time, like if that is the issue at hand that Labour really should be looking at. I think they should be looking at maybe winning the next election. I just think if you can win in that system,

you would definitely win in the proportional representation system, wouldn't you? There's dissent in Labour about it. The problem with PR, proportional representation, it's like some in Labour like it because if you vote under PR, you get to vote for the party you really, really want. But some in Labour don't like it because under PR, you get to vote for the party you really, really want.

That's what I'm saying, is that if you're worried, even now, with everything that the Conservatives are doing, that you still might not get in, you need to up your game. If you can't provide a decent alternative, like, all Keir Starmer has to do is, like, say something. He just has to literally say something. What about electoral reform? Are you a fan? What would you do to change the way you vote? I'd do a full squid game.

Make it like a soft play centre version of Squid Game. And the winner is Prime Minister, I guess. And it's a bit of fun for the TV schedule. If we are going to stick with first-past-the-post, do you think we need to make it a bit more realistic for what it is? If you're in a safe seat, you replace the ballot box with a shredder, which... So you've still got the feeling of voting,

but it's actually telling you more what your opinion is. But that turns one vote into, like, 25. We remember on Noel's house party, where they had, like, that telephone box and all the money was, like, floating around. Oh, yeah, and you just had to grab the boat. Yeah, you have that with ballots. And each MP goes in and you're trying to grab your boat.

We are not having Mr Blobby back as Prime Minister. We've been through that. We're not doing that again. Imagine if Mr Blobby was listening to this episode going, Come on! Compare him to Johnson. Imagine if Mr Blobby is listening to this episode going, come on! Compare him to Johnson. I had to film something with him recently.

It was very depressing at the end of the day when I stood waiting for my cab next to Mr Blobby. I was like, what is my life? The hard thing for me is that you've said that as something you're not happy with. That's my aspiration. That's why I got into comedy. I'm just surprised Blobby has to wait for a taxi. He's not on his own driver.

He had to have one with a sunroof. Yeah, this is the Labour conference. Labour set for another showdown with its age-old rival, itself. At the end of that round, it's four points all. Andy, I don't mean to quibble, but wasn't it four points all at the end of the last round? I mean, what are we even doing here?

Points have been devalued. But inflation went up to 2.5%, so... So that's gone up, but then there's been a run on the points. I'm expecting us to have 4.1 points. OK, you're back to zero now. Let's look at Liz Truss's first overseas jaunt as Prime Minister. According to our fractionally elected Prime Minister, there will be no what between what and what.

Ian and Esther, can you...? Yeah, well, she said there's going to be no trade deal with the US in the short to medium term, which is like a cool way of saying, like, not in my lifetime. Like, I think I'm going to use that when people ask me if I'm ever going to buy property. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but just not in my lifetime. Yeah, she said there'd be no trade deal between the UK and the USA.

I mean, is it too much to be expecting six years after the Brexit vote? Too much to be expecting trade deals and stuff that we're supposed to... When Obama said we'd be at the back of the queue, he said it could take, people don't realise, it could take as much as five years, and that was literally six years ago. But the problem is that they're stuck on, it's the Northern Ireland Protocol.

But Joe Biden cares a lot about the Northern Ireland Protocol because he pretends to be Irish, like so many Americans do. I mean, because he's Irish, he cares an awful lot about this. I mean, in fairness, he cares an awful lot about it because it's sort of nonsense and really bad and means the whole deal doesn't work. But he won't budge on a trade deal until we fix that problem, and we can't fix that problem.

So it's a bit of an impasse. What do we make of Truss's first appearance on the international stage? Were you impressed? I think before she gets back, we should all hide. LAUGHTER we should all hide. I think it was very telling. She did her interviews at the top of the Empire State Building. And if you're blonde

and you're at the top of the Empire State Building and the monkey doesn't come and admire your beauty, you should be questioning your life choices. I think I'm still getting over it. I can't look at Liz Truss without thinking about cheese and pork markets. I remember watching the first

PMQs, and there must have been loads of things said, but I come away thinking, ha, pork markets. Yeah, I just find her an incredibly um difficult person to listen to such an unusual unusual like intonation that just make she could say like the most intelligent thing and it would sound mad she sounds like she's just come out of a coma but she isn't happy about it i mean she's that person that tweets and then doesn't realize everyone else can see it.

Do you know what I mean? You know, if you are unpopular, you have to question if it's maybe because you're not doing the right thing. You know, she's just making decisions. I'm so angry with the Lib Dems because they made her. You know what I mean?

That's what's crazy. She's descended from Lib Dems. Her parents are Lib Dems. She voted against Brexit, and look at where she is crazy. She's descended from Lib Dem. Her parents are Lib Dems. She voted against Brexit and look at where she is now. She's like the opposite of a Pokemon. She's just devolving into worse and worse versions. That's what's so weird about it. The fact

that she's like, so she is unpopular and she's like, I'm prepared to be unpopular and you're like, yeah, you've done that. Easy to be prepared to be unpopular if you're like, yeah, you've done that. You're like... It's easier to be prepared to be unpopular if you're already doing it. But surely the more ambitious thing to do would be, look, I'm unpopular, but I'm prepared to be popular. Like, I've been a Liberal Democrat in the past,

I've become a Conservative. I can do this! Summer found her reassuringly wooden after the sound and fury of Boris Johnson. Is that an asset, Hugo? I don't know. I mean, you do... Like, her having a conversation with Biden,

I mean, it's not going to be... It's not going to be sparkling, is it? She does have this manner, you know, like, sort of really proud toddler thing going on. But it's very hard to see what conviction and what plan she's coming from beyond the sort of strange sort of toddlerish delight at herself for being in this situation. So I find her just mystifying and baffling, but not in a good way. Because you can't quite get a handle on anything, even though she's made of wood.

Yes, she's been on her first overseas trip as Prime Minister to New York City, the city that never sleeps, and in doing so is doing long-term damage to its health. I might also explain why everyone in New York is so cranky and has to be pumped up to the eyeballs with industrial-strength caffeine just to keep functioning to a basic level. Get into a routine, New York, and get one of those special bedside lights. Get back in tune with your circadian rhythms.

Also, in the UN meeting in New York and get one of those special bedside lights. Get back in tune with your circadian rhythms. Also in the UN meeting in New York, our next question comes, well, related to this. Which reservists are having reservations? Oh, what, is it like in Russia? Yes. Yeah, so Russia has mobilised its reserves.

Basically it's like Russia's been sort of fighting this war in Ukraine that's been going very, very badly. Special military operation. Forgive me, special military operation, yes. I'm going to get my check now. And it's like this week they've gone, well, now we're going to really start trying. And so they've started calling up basically everyone.

It seems to be anyone between the ages of, like, sort of 18 and dead is getting round up to sort of sent to the front. And prisoners. Yeah, well, they tried prisoners. They went to the prisons and said, if you don't want to be in prison, you can come and join the Wagner mercenary force. And so they shipped a bunch of them out to Ukraine,

whereupon they promptly ran away. Yeah. Your words, you know. Vladimir Putin, who is still the bookie's favourite for World Baddie of the year he did a not particularly veiled threat of using nuclear weapons and complete the following sentence that he said this week i am not what's the missing word there bluffing bluffing correct that is the correct answer which actually makes any sentence a lot

less scary like i will go to war full stop quite scary i'll go to war and i'm not bluffing that kind of takes away the fear of it it's like you know as you know when you're a parent you're telling off your kids the moment you stand there and shout i mean it i really mean it i'm not bluffing you've lost all standing credibility everyone knows that you're falling apart. Yeah, it's sort of like, it adds nothing to what the initial threat... It's just meaningless, because if you were bluffing, you wouldn't say that. Say it. You wouldn't say, and I will use nuclear weapons,

and I'll be honest with you, I'm completely bluffing there. Please don't call me on that. A lot of our nukes don't work at the minute. He could be bluffing, because he did that whole speech about how they've got the best technology in the world, and the whole time he stood next to a fax machine. Are you... I assume... I know we try and get balance on the BBC as much as possible.

Are we all against nuclear war? Are we all against nuclear war? All views must be represented. Well, if temperatures are rising at the minute, everyone's quite rightly, I think, complaining about global warming. How's a nuclear winter sound? It's one of my least favourite apocalypses, nuclear. Really? Yeah. What's your penultimate least favourite apocalypses, nuclear. Really? Yeah.

What's your penultimate least favourite apocalypse? I want zombies or some kind of animal. Koala? Ducks. Koala apocalypse. Ducks. You want zombies and ducks. I'd like to see it. Like a duck.

Like a duck. Like a duck. I'd be like, well, it's adorable, but horrifying. Oh, it's that classic thing. Would you rather fight, like, one massive duck the size of a horse or loads of horses the size of little ducks? The little horses. Oh, really? Who thought about this?

I mean, they haven't got beaks. This is very similar to the conversation between Truss and Biden, by the way. Yes, facing increasing domestic criticism about being really rubbish at his job and for being very oversensitive to constructive criticism, Vladimir Putin has issued a thinly-veiled warning that he might use nuclear weapons. Russia's reservists have been put in a fight-or-flight situation

and many have gone for option B, flight. As soon as the Kremlin gremlin called his mobilisation move, flights to get out of Russia sold out within hours. Putin's pet war is not proving universally popular in a country where the novelty of being sent to die by a despotic leader has understandably tarnished over the last few hundred years. Many are seeking exemption on mental health grounds, the mental health being that of their lunatic president.

Putin, it seems, is not reacting well to what has been a disappointing year for him in terms of achieving his KPIs. And it does also highlight the importance of men being able to talk about their feelings when things are not going well at work. Bottling it all up and then suddenly threatening the world with nuclear war.

Let's have another world leader question. Which former president of the USA has been accused of a multi-billion dollar fraud? Now, it's quite difficult. There's 44 former presidents. I'm going to make it easy for you by narrowing it down to three options. Is it A, Donald Trump?

Do you want B and C? B, Abraham Lincoln? Or is it C, President Bartlett from the West Wing? It wasn't Trump the 45th? Oh, well, no. Well, technically, it was 45th, but they counted Grover Cleveland twice. Oh, did they?

Because he had non-consecutive terms. So there are 44 different men who've been present, but yes, he was. But he wasn't the only one that had two... He was the only one that had two he was the only one that had two non-considered inform educate and entertain i love you that you checked just because you knew i was coming home okay so of the 44 which one was accused of fraud it? We've settled this, I think, haven't we?

You think it's Trump? Sure, final answer. I'm going to go with that, yeah. Yeah, that's correct. It is Trump. The others are also fraudulent, but not to quite the same degree. Lincoln did not have a long cylindrical-shaped head. That was just a hat.

Also, he's not actually dead. Faked it and still alive and well. Runs a karaoke bar in Nashville. And President Bartlett doesn't actually exist. But Trump has been accused of falsely inflating his net worth by billions of dollars to enrich

himself and cheat the system. There was a 222-page lawsuit against him, which is one of the shorter complaints he's received of late, I think. Do you think this is going to damage his attempt to, well, become the 47th? Wouldn't it be 47? Or do people just want him to be more and more corrupt?

I don't think there's much he could do that would stop people voting for him. So, yeah, I don't know if inflating his personal wealth is going to do any damage. I'd just like to say that I'm getting paid 10 grand for this episode. I just want that on record. The laugh suggests that some people think that could be a realistic fee. No, I'm not sure if he is going to be 47th, because as we know, last time Russia helped with that election, and Russia's setting up their own referendums in Ukraine right now,

so they're going to be a bit busy. Right. So I don't know if they're going to have time to help him as well. Do you think he's got a shot at being, like, governor of Donetsk instead? Moving on now. With the scores tantalisingly tied at four points all... at four points all.

Our final round is a freedom of choice special. Our panellists can choose their topic from two categories I'm going to offer them, but in order to reflect the capricious nature of life and the illusory nature of freedom of choice, I may refuse to grant their wish and ask them a question from the other topic. You can choose from wildlife or gastroenterology. Gastroenterology. You're getting wildlife. Isn't life cruel? According to a new study, of which are there more? A,

ants in the world, or B, pointless columns about. Ants in the world or B. Pointless columns about Harry and Meghan in the past two weeks? Oh, that's tricky. I think it's ants. It's got to be ants because there was a huge study, wasn't there? Yes. Do you know how many ants there are in the world? What, precisely? Why?

Whatever I say, you're going to correct me because one of those ants was counted twice because it showed up twice. It's like one of those things where they have a jar full of sweets and you've got to guess. But it's just a planet. Planet full of ants. Yeah.

Any ideas? It's 20 quadrillion ants. That's correct. Which is 2.5 million ants per human. Yeah. Which is like, no. It's like, I mean, hands up in the audience, who is an ant? Because statistically, it should be far more than all of you.

I mean, where are they keeping 2.5 million ants? But that's like, I looked up, because I was so upset by this, how many ants you get in an ant nest. It's only 10,000. So that's like, what, 250 ant nests per person. Where? It's like money, Hugo. My garden's got like eight.

I mean, the top 1% have most of the ants. Would you like to see more equal redistribution of ants around the world? What's your optimum number of ants per person? Let's say four. I think four ants per person is a reasonable number. Right. Livid that there are that many ants and only one Tom Jones, to be honest. Science has a purpose, and science is wonderful,

and as a scientist, an ex-scientist, I love it, but sometimes you read about studies and you go, we really need to redirect scientists in the right direction, because this is not, we didn't need to know this. It's a lie, it's made up. We didn't need this. Sorry, I'm not having this. The Arctic Circle, no ants.

Antarctica, biggest continent on the planet, no ants. Siberia, no ants. Europe and America, some ants. Where are all these ants? It can't all be... Basically, you've got Africa and Asia for all the ants in South America. I don't buy it. That's like... There's too many ants.

Come on. There are more ants in the world than articles about Harry and Meghan, although it's closer than it should be. Apparently, scientists believe that the high number of ants, and this might explain it, Hugo, is thought to stem from an incident 35 years ago when someone went to an antique shop and bought a lamp and rubbed it and, for their third wish, asked the genie to create an ant every time someone used

the word like unnecessarily and that brings us to the end of this news because before i give you the score some uh some breaking news the government has announced the launch of a perma-queue um which will function sort of like National Service used to do, that all British youngsters will spend a year queuing. Well, that brings us to the end of the news quiz, and I can tell you that, well, the scores are four points all. But Ria and Hugo have just borrowed 10 billion points from the future, so they've won.

Today's prize, of course, is you get to keep Nicholas Whitchell as a souvenir. Anyway, thank you very much for listening, and goodbye. APPLAUSE Taking part in the news quiz were Esther Manito, Ria Lina, Ian Smith and Hugo Rifkin. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Heidi Regan, Stephanie Kemp and Jade Geby. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.