Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 26th May

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week's news.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to the News Quiz, recorded this week at the Hay Festival, and with the Chelsea Flower Show also taking place this week, we hope finally to have a conclusive answer to the question, which is better, books or shrubs? What do you think, hey? Well, the final definitive verdict will be revealed

at the end of this week's News Quiz. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. This show is taking place under the watchful fist of the new BBC Verify service, which alerts listeners to when something less than 100% true might be being broadcast. Under the new system, as long as what I say is completely true, the sound of a mooing cow will be audible. Point proved.

In this Hay vs Chelsea week, pitting literature, some of which is very sad against gardening, our two teams this week are Team Read It and Weep against Team Weed It and Reap. On Team Read It, we have Lucy Porter and from The Spectator, Kate Andrews. And on Team Weed It, it's Simon Evans and Robin Morgan. And to fit in with all the book-bothering, novel-nuzzling literature lovers here in Hay,

we are converting some of this week's news stories into different literary styles. I'll read a passage from a made-up novel. Our panellists then have to tell me what factual news stories are the fictional bits of fiction about. Now, to begin with, Kate and Lucy, your chosen literary style that I've chosen for you is detective story. So tell me, what is this excerpt about? What we have here, my dear Watson, said Holmes, is something that is going up and down at the same time.

But Holmes, I replied, how can that be unless it's a donkey on a pogo stick? So what is that story about? So what is that story about? Well, I suppose it's inflation, which is it's going up, only slower than it used to, like me getting out of a bath or one of Mick Jagger's erections. How much empirical research have you done? I can't get no satisfaction out of it. So, yeah, so inflation, it's still absolutely nuts. I can't get no satisfaction out of you.

Yeah, so inflation, it's still absolutely nuts. Some of the inflation statistics, cheese is 39% more expensive than it was 12 months ago. Milk, 33% more than 12 months ago. Granulated sugar, 47%, which is terrible news for me because all I ever eat is sweet, cheesy milkshakes. That's what Mick Jagger calls you as well, isn't it? Family show, everyone. Inflation is the one thing that arguably isn't the government's fault right now

because the tools to control it are held by the Bank of England. And it's the one thing where Rishi Sunak and Jeremy Hunt are like, we're going to make videos, we're going to make TikToks, and we're going to convince them that this is our fault. The rate of inflation is coming down. Do not be fooled. That means that prices are going up just at a slower pace. Your costs are not coming down. Interest rates are going up to try to get people to save a bit more money, to try to take some demand out of the economy. It's not coming down. Interest rates are going up to try to get people to save a bit more money, to try to take some demand out of the economy. It's not going well.

And everyone's just feeling that pinch from higher prices and higher interest rates. But the great news is that the International Monetary Fund thinks we might not have a recession. To be very clear, the economy is not going to grow, but we might not have a recession. You are welcome. I feel certainly a little bit sorry for the government if they're trying to, or even the Bank of England, if you say they have the tools, but it amounts to interest rate, right? You have to put interest rates up quite high for me to pause in front of the cheese counter and

consider investing instead. growth is now predicted at 0.4%. Hold on to your hats, everyone. Things are about to get wild. So are we seeing the benefits in this growth, because it's now predicted to be a bit better than Germany's? We're seeing the benefits of having crashed our economy harder than other countries

so we can get statistically better on the rebound. That was one of the best things about the announcement, wasn't it? We're no longer the bottom. Like Eurovision, because the bottom is Germany, like Eurovision. That might as well be how the forecasts work, given how wrong they've been for so long now. Germany has literally gone into recession today, right? Which is obviously due to Brexit, I would imagine.

But we knew it would catch them on the arse eventually. Yes, I don't remember the bus with the let's drag them all down with us. Everything is way more expensive though. Last week I accidentally did the big shop in Tesco and forgot my club card and now I've had to file for bankruptcy.

I don't know if this is a universal thing, so forgive me if this is something not available in Hay, but I work a couple of nights a week near to an M&S food hall, which shuts at 9pm, and I generally arrive around 8pm, and everything has got yellow stickers on it. Now, I don't know if that was always the case, but things in M&S that previously cost £5.80 coming down to £1.48

is, like, way more exciting in a time of peak inflation. It's like they've managed to bring the excitement of shopping at TK Maxx into the delicatessen. I'm totally on board with that. Really happy to be paying an extra 500 quid a month on my mortgage. To play middle-class supermarket sweep. Exactly. Has anything else jumped out at you recently, Kate,

from the state of economy and how we interpret the numbers around it? Because it seems we look at it in a very sort of short term way, as you were saying that, you know, inflation's come down, but in the broad picture, it's still very high. Well, this is the thing. You're just getting different voices at different times, virtually saying the same thing. Just depends on the headlines. So when the IMF was predicting that the UK would So when the IMF was predicting that the UK would be at the bottom and we would be in recession, you had half of the population being like, look at how atrocious this is. Things are going so poorly. They haven't

revised their figures very much. They're still in the margin of error. But those people are quiet now. Now that we're into 0.4%, exciting. You have the other side of the population very excited saying what a great news story. The truth is it's just very bad. It's been very bad for a long time and it looks like it's going to be a rough rest of the year. I would imagine that Sunak and Hunt are inflicting more pain on us now than is strictly necessary in order to be able to relieve a little bit of that pain in the run-up to the general election next year. They kind of go, oh look, everything's super rosy in the garden and we can afford to lower interest rates again and we can afford to introduce, I don't know, special loans or windows for school or something. I don't know,

just like some kind of little bonus. Well, they have managed to bring the tax burden to a 70-year high, basically a post-war high. And the idea is that we'll get some tax cuts going into the next election. We'll probably then be at like a 72-year high somehow. But the idea is, yeah, maybe something superficial is coming our way. I think they're just going to yellow stick at the economy. Inflation is coming down, but food prices remain worryingly high. Growth is set to be much better than expected at just pretty rubbish. Interest rates are rising, the number of people interested is falling, and the number of facts in the world is at an all-time high. Unfortunately, so is the proportion of those facts that are in fact false. The IMF has therefore described Britain's outlook as subdued,

which is a step up on its previous official status of curled up on the sofa quietly weeping. Another political story, and your literary genre, Simon and Robin, for this is sci-fi. The captain stood, eagerly awaiting the figures. The screen bleeped futuristically. What's the reading, Lieutenant? 606 and heading up, Captain. What? Weren't we aiming for like 100 max and going down, not up? Sorry, Captain, it's out of control. Don't say that, Lieutenant, 606 and heading up, Captain. What? Weren't we aiming for like 100 max and going down, not up? Sorry, Captain, it's out of control. Don't say that, Lieutenant, even if it's obviously true. What's the story?

606, it rings a bell. 606,000 were the immigration figures for this year. Historically high, though I do think we've been prepped for them by being warned they could go as high as a million. So you go, oh, 606,000, that's barely a that's barely a drizzle is it really you know that's just easily dispersed across herefordshire um i listen it's it's a very obviously it's an extraordinarily complex issue immigration whether it's good and bad there are some examples uh that are good there are some examples that are bad it's obviously an ongoing worldwide concern, blah, blah, blah. However, Sunak did

promise to get it under control. And when he was asked whether the fact that it was six times the level he'd promised meant that it was out of control, he said, no, it's not out of control. It's just some external factors that have changed. I got a feeling if I was caught doing 180 miles per hour in a 30 zone and was accused of my car being out of control and I, no, no, no, no, not out of control. There were some external factors. I don't think that would play well. So I think they have to take the L on this one.

You could apply for a personal speed awareness course. Yes, I could. And isn't blaming it on external factors basically saying, oh, yes, it is out of control? Yeah. That's what control is. Well, I mean, you know, yeah, there is Ukraine, there is Hong Kong. I mean, they're trying to deal with this student visa business at the moment, which they've introduced some legislation

to stop any student coming over bringing their entire extended family, which possibly, I mean, it sounds like that's been abused. I don't know. What annoys me is we have to put up with Gary Lineker scolding us about the 30s-style fascist rhetoric, and we still have to put up with absolutely extraordinary levels of immigration as well. You'd think the government would either be proper working fascists or would adapt their rhetoric to the reality of what they're delivering.

You know, one or the other. But I feel like we're getting the worst of both worlds at the moment. To be honest, it's not often on Radio for you get an outright call for fascism i don't know you and yours every day seen that could not only went on the radio today he also went on itvs this morning to sort of say he's going to get numbers down i think just to get advice because in the last week itv have cut the numbers of phil and holly by 50 but yeah he's sticking to migration to the uk is still too high he says and he's going to have a word with the person responsible next time he passes a mirror apparently the the difficulty for the government um is not only did they revise the system back in january 2020 and

boris johnson the ultimate brexiteer, revised the system and made it into one where it was actually easier for non-E migrants to come in. And the difficulties when you break these figures down, in particular for 2022, a huge part of this influx was the refugee program, especially with Ukraine, which virtually everybody is positive about. You also had a big influx of health and social care workers at a time where the NHS is virtually on its knees. And so everyone's looking at these figures saying, oh gosh, they're way too high, but the difficulty is,

who do you want to get rid of? Who do you want to get rid of? Well, that sounds like a very promising pitch for a new reality show. Do you know what else Sunak told this morning? He made a shocking admission, I'm going to share this with the people of Hay-on-Wye, at the Literary Festival, of something that he liked. Does anyone know what it was?

It was Jilly Cooper, wasn't it? Yes. Yep. Big fan of those novels. Is she here this week? Jilly Cooper was like the J.K. Rowling of her novels. Is she here this week? Julie Cooper was like the J.K. Rowling of her generation. She got so many young men into reading back in the day. Net migration figures are out this week.

606,000, way up on pre-Brexitational numbers. Government solutions suggested currently include standing on the white cliffs of Dover growling, pumping a psychotropic drug into the water system that makes people yearn to pick fruit for sod all money, and, as suggested this week by the government, stopping relatives of overseas students coming here,

so still letting most of the people come here, but make them less happy whilst they're here. Which might work. But at least we've taken back control after Brexit, and we've used that control to choose to lose that control again on our own terms. This is our British chaos, our British failure. And in many ways, when you think about it like that, Brexit is proving to be that rarest of political beasts,

the perfect compromise. Those who wanted it, got it, and those who thought it would be a terrible idea have seen those fears justified. Everyone has got something of what they wanted. OK, Lucy and Kate, you can choose our next literary genre. What would you like? You pick.

Well, Jilly Cooper. Some sort of... A horsey bonk buster is what I would like. Sorry, you're getting zombie story. OK, here we go. What story is this about? Early morning, 7.59am. They swept around the corner, howling in their desperate, deathly multitude.

Ignoring the living, they rampaged down the street until they reached the GP surgery. It was 8am on the nose. The angry receptionist emerged. I've told you a lot before, you have to ring for an appointment. And it's 8.01 now, so you're too late. What story is this? I might have laid it slightly too clearly on the table. Dare I say, this is about patients seeking out more private healthcare.

Yes, correct. Because they cannot see a GP on the NHS. We have record numbers of people now paying for private healthcare. It has jumped up to 272,000. That's up from just under 200,000 before the pandemic hit. And this is really a pandemic story because the NHS told us to stay home and they have never asked us to come back out really. And so unfortunately, patients have had to go seek health care elsewhere. And the waiting list on NHS Wales alone is over 700,000 appointments. You know, there's very little good news story here, I suppose, apart from the fact that,

you know, if you really support this idea of universal access, you can be confident that universally, at the moment, people cannot access healthcare. I always think when they say, oh, people are going private for their operations, I just go, well, I want my operation privately. I don't know what I mean. I don't want well, I want my operation privately. Do you know what I mean? I don't want anyone whipping something out when I'm in Tesco's. It's bad that I had my eyebrows waxed once in Superdrug and she had to stop because I was crying so much.

And it's the prices are extraordinary. So a new hip privately, which loads of people in desperation are turning to. Very trendy. £15,075, which I don't know what the £75 is for. If you don't pay the £75, then you get one that squeaks every time you play. £75 for the WD-40. I mean mean it is

shocking and terrifying isn't it my dad had his hip replaced shortly before he passed and I'm wondering if I can dig him up and have it come on now once again we find ourselves in the moral maze do you think it's right to dig up relatives and use their body parts Robin

I'm glad you've asked me, I really, really am. Just a slight word of warning, obviously we are in Wales and I think you should know if we do say private healthcare three times, the ghost of an iron bevan will turn up behind you and he will give you an appendectomy. He will. Because the situation is quite bad in Wales. Yeah, it's a strange one.

I think obviously we're a poorer nation, I think we have an older generation. So obviously we're going to need more health care. But I think the Welsh government are sort of quite defensive about it because they've obviously got these huge waiting list figures sort of to come out and defend themselves. They said, if you exclude seven specialties, which were exceptionally challenging,

the numbers dropped by 86%. And those specialties include orthopaedics, dermatology, general surgery, ophthalmologyology and ear, nose and throat. So to put that into context, if you exclude every area of the body, it drops by 100%. Fair play. You can't argue with those numbers. But if you want to get your hair cut, you're fine. I think that we have to recognise that some of the decisions made during COVID were catastrophic, that they were wrong. We should have weighed up the long-term consequences, these huge waiting lists that people are still waiting to see serious life-threatening diseases, cancer and so on.

And also it's created in a huge number of people long COVID, which is rendering the civil service inoperable now. I'm not saying long COVID doesn't exist. I absolutely believe it is very much a very real condition and my sympathy goes to people who have it. But let's be honest, it's never very hard to guess who's going to get it, is it? You know what I mean? If you'd like to tweet in, you can use the hashtag. They won't be able to tweet. They're too tired. Simon just thinks if you need a hip replace,

just walk it off, love. Walk it off. So, I mean, in terms of the future of the NHS, do we think the way it's going to end up is like a three strikes and you're out? You get three goes on the NHS in your lifetime and if you've blown them, then you're on your own. That's nice.

I mean, it does make sense, I think, in some aspects that if you can afford to and you want to then go for prior i had a vasectomy 18 months ago and i have mine with a groupon yes indeed as the old saying goes if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen and by heat i mean agonizing wait for treatment and by kitchen i mean nhs waiting list as a result of the problems getting NHS treatment, more and more people are now taking surgery into their own hands. Many people just saying, ah, without professional supervision. Some are conducting preliminary exorcisms on themselves.

The NHS waiting list for that is terrible these days. And also, there's been a significant increase in home trepanning. Please, if you are going to do that do invest in an electric drill The scores at the end of that round are four points all Moving on to politics now, this is for Robin and

Simon, a ghost story and just to remind you, some of the characters in these made up excerpts from novels have had their names fictionalised so here's a ghost story and just to remind you, some of the characters in these made up excerpts from novels have had their names fictionalised so here's your ghost story Rinak Sushi woke with a start in his heavily braided gold crusted pyjamas

the familiar apparitions apparited before his eyes, why will they not leave me be, whelped a frightened but fun sized 43 year old prime minister why do they never go away were ritted before his eyes. Why will they not leave me be, whelped the frightened but fun-sized 43-year-old Prime Minister? Why do they never go away? What is that about? This is, I believe, an attempt, though I don't know exactly where it's coming from,

to reintroduce the notion of Boris Johnson and his lax approach to after-hours drinking culture in Westminster back into the agenda. We feel like we're coming to the end of a long Tory government and it is very similar, for those of you who remember, when we came to the end of the major administration, building up to Tony Blair. They're just kind of pulling limbs off and gnawing on them

in front of us now. The attempt to make Suella brave among one minute, she's a Nazi, the next minute she's, like, tried to get a single service portion of a speed awareness. Maybe that was a Nazi thing too. Maybe Hitler's whole Autobahn project was to help Goering evade a speeding fine. I don't know. It just feels like they're just constantly pulling lumps of flesh

off the last administration now and just holding it up for your delectation. But I think when you set your stall out as professionalism, integrity and accountability, and we're being constantly reminded. The Braverman thing, I think it's extraordinary that she was caught speeding. I've heard someone being caught speeding. You do think Michael Gove immediately, but it was the Braverman family.

She was speeding and veering to the extreme right was why they pulled her over. But, you know, yeah, it's just with Boris Johnson and Sorella Braverman, it's, you know, she said,'s just with Boris Johnson and Sorella Braverman, it's, you know, she said, oh, nothing untoward happened, was her way of counting that, which is that kind of thing, nothing untoward happened. It's the kind of thing you'd hear said by a sort of middle-aged man

coming back from the Christmas party smeared with lipstick, missing his trousers, or Boris Johnson every day. But the problem at the moment is that it's personal between Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak. So whenever things are looking a little shaky for the current prime minister, the ghost of the former one shows up and he likes to pop up and make things harder. And we have to go back with this story because Sunak was the second person to resign in Boris Johnson's cabinet, which ultimately led to him resigning. And, you know, this could in theory be like a tale of scorned lovers. It could be a

family feud. It's so intense. But even this gets rumors swirling that letters of no confidence are going in against Rishi Sunak from Boris Johnson's allies. Now, I suspect that these are seriously overhyped because the only thing more difficult for the Tory party than the situation they're in now is the situation they were in then. But it's pretty psychodrama in there. Well, I mean, when it comes to Suella Braverman, there was some talk that she might be fired again this week. In fact, we just received some breaking news

that Suella Braverman was in fact sacked as Home Secretary by Rishi Sunak before being reappointed 12.8 seconds later. Even quicker than the record six-day sacking she enjoyed last year. And from now on she will be ceremonially sacked every morning at 7.30am and reappointed at 7.32am. A quick Boris Johnson question. What is the most appropriate genre for a Boris Johnson question? Literally.

Erotic thriller. Correct. Yes. So specifically, what is this about? I want to see them. Show me them. Now. Pluck them on the table.

Let's have a look. His parliamentary diaries. Yes, correct. Yes, it is about the parliamentary diaries. Yes. Thank God. Yeah, so the Cabinet Office lawyers have handed them over to police, diaries yes correct yes it is about the parliamentary diaries yes thank god um uh yeah so the cabinet office uh lawyers have handed them over to police and he's furious about that because

he's been it's a political stitch-up by his own actions um and he's uh he's fired the cabinet lawyers which were funded by the taxpayer and he's hired his own lawyers which are also funded by the taxpayer um but i think it's the right idea because the lawyer that he's got is the hologram of Robert Kardashian. It's good enough for OJ, it's good enough for BJ. Yes, Rishi Sunak has once again been haunted by Suella Braverman and Boris Johnson, the ghosts of scandals past, scandals present and scandals yet to come.

Sunak cleared the Home Secretary and recurring political nightmare Braverman of breaking ministerial codes after a speeding fine. I guess the questions are, why did Suella Braverman consult with civil servants over a speeding fine, but not, it seems, over whether jetting people we don't have space for to a country with twice our population density and a fraction of our resources is at least one of sensible, affordable, practical or morally non-abominable? Maybe she's got her priorities wrong. A fellow Conservative MP, William Wragg, recently claimed that when in a meeting with the parliamentary standards body as a new MP,

Braverman asked if speeding tickets could be claimed as a work expense. And it is that kind of legal insight that explains her rapid elevation on the helium bubble of Brexitasiousness that took her to the post of Attorney General and Home Secretary. Boris Johnson, the politician who, above all else, will be remembered for being the politician who, above all else, wanted to be remembered.

Once again donned his Mario Balotelli Why Always Me shirt and claimed he was being stitched up. The former Prime Minister and self-styled Beethoven of bloviation, who has sadly been ruled out, injured from politics for the last nine months while he recovers from a ruptured ego, was triggered this week after PartyGator woke from its uneasy slumbers. Police are looking into potential Covid-ear law-breaking at Chequers,

the PM's back-up house where Johnson used to go to rest, recuperate, do Winston Churchill speeches on a karaoke machine, and gaze into the mirror, seductively singing Je T'aime. Finally, this is now a financial thriller. Tell me what story this is about. With all the suave assurance of someone who was once a government minister in a large North African nation, he slapped a five million pound note on the table and took a big nibble of his carrot.

Yes, he missed cigars, but he also loved carrots. What story is that about? I know that. I think his name is Mansour. Is it Mansour? Who is a veteran of Hosni Mubarak's administration in Egypt, which was overthrown during the briefly optimistic Arab Spring about 12 years ago, and is now part of the conservative infrastructure and has been found to be their biggest donor since Getty, I think, about 20 years ago, with 5 million quid. I find it interesting

that they're bringing in Egyptian know-how into the government. I think we have to assume that they've recognised that the British economy is past saving and it is now time for mummification. Well, I think we could do with a few pyramids to commemorate our political leaders. It would be great if this country would build anything. I mean, a house, a pyramid, I really don't care what it is,

just build something. And again, is this an issue, Kate, that you think resonates with the public? Labour will also fine this week for declaring donations late. Do people care? I think some people care. It just feels messy, doesn't it? It feels like the finances aren't in order. And the finances aren't in order in terms of the country and in terms of the parties.

But it's funny to look at the different numbers. We're talking about five million within the Tory party. And Labour have been fined £200 each for their late reports in terms of their donations. So we're dealing with slightly different figures there. But yeah, I'm sure it riles people up all the same. It is always funny when you see the breakdown of donations in the Tories. It's like five million from a captain of industry in Labour. It's like 75p from a fun run in Hackney.

This week it emerged that Egyptian wealthster Mohamed Mansour, who became the Tories' treasurer after donating £600,000, has now bunged the mayhem-addicted political party a cool five million. Obviously the Conservative Party rejected their donation as they do not like people relying on handouts. I don't know exactly what the five million donation gets you. Obviously, you do get the standard donors package of a game of tennis with a prime minister of your choosing,

covert influence with the cabinet, a title, a free sports hold-on, and a commemorative talking Jacob Rees-Mogg action doll. But on top of that, five million, I think you also get ten free rides in the Royal Gold Cart, a naked hologram of any former Tory leader, and you get to make Jeremy Hunt squat on all fours and ride him like a donkey shouting, Giddy up, budget boy.

Right, on that note, that is the end of this week's News Quiz. Our winners, Kate and Lucy, with 12 points. Simon and Robin have eight. as Kate and Lucy with 12 points. Simon and Robin have eight. The other final scores, Books are Better Than Shrubs, and they will play the winner of next month's showdown between music and painting

as Glastonbury clashes with the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition. So it's been great being here at the Hay Festival this week. Next week we are back here, in fact, for the Hay Eye Festival of Literature in which all the books have been written by online bots. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Robin Morgan, Lucy Porter, Simon Evans and Kate Andrews.

In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Alex Wright, Chris Douch and Kate Dennett. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.