Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 27th January

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Geoff Norcott, Chris McCausland, Isabel Hardman and Maisie Adam. This week they discuss a taxing week for Nadhim Zahawi, a downer week for levelling up, and the small matter of the end of the world.Hosted and written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Davina Bentley, Simon Alcock, and Cameron Loxdale.Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello and welcome to the News Quiz... Oh, sorry, I've got to take this. Hello? Hello, Mr Johnson. I am Andy Zaltzman, yes.

I do host the News Quiz. Yes, it is on the BBC, you're right. You want how much? No, I don't think I am legally obliged to lend you 800 grand just because I'm involved with the BBC. You'll do what to me if you're Prime Minister again? Did you just swear at me in Latin? Oh, a knighthood. I'll call you after the show. Welcome to the News Quiz.

Yes, welcome to the News Quiz. I am the chair of this show in what's been a tough week for chairpeople. If you can hear me now, that means I haven't been sacked yet. Our teams this week, inspired by the multi-Oscar-nominated film, we have Team Everything Everywhere All At Once against Team Nothing Anywhere Ever. Also known as What's Going Wrong For The Government and What's Going Right.

On Team Everything, we have Chris McCausland and Maisie Adam. what's going wrong for the government and what's going right. On Team Everything, we have Chris McCausland and Maisie Adam. On Team Nothing, Geoff Norcott and, from The Spectator, Isabel Hardman. We'll start with a question for Chris and Maisie. In the week that the MP for Stratford-upon-Avon has been having a few difficulties, we'll start with a quote from Shakespeare. Tax doesn't have to be taxing.

I think it's from Shakespeare, isn't it? Who this week might agree or disagree with that? Well, I think we're all familiar with the series of Mr Men books, aren't we? And so I'm sure we'll all remember the one about Mr Careless. Mr Careless, who forgot about millions and millions of pounds of profit from the sale of a company that was stashed away in an offshore family trust in Gibraltar. And he would have got away with it if it wasn't for Mr. Nosy.

And the real irony in the story was that Mr. Careless was actually Mr. Nosy's boss at the time. And Mr. Careless was actually responsible for Mr. Nosy being as nosy as he was. So I think it's that, but the live-action version starring Nadeem Zahawi. Is that it? That is correct. It feels... You saying it then, when you were talking about Everything Everywhere All At Once,

it does almost sound... It's so farcical. It should be fictional. It should be a film. You almost want to hear, like, from the makers of the education secretary who screwed up an entire country's A-levels and a health secretary who broke his own rules

by snogging his colleagues comes the chancellor with a hefty fine. It's so mad. But you're right. To use the word careless, that's the word he's said, isn't it? Because HMRC have basically said, like, that you wouldn't get a penalty for an innocent error, but you could for carelessness,

which is what Nadeem Zahawi's claiming it was. I don't think that's carelessness. Carelessness is leaving your hat on the tube. It's not forgetting to pay a monumental tax bill as the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Careless tax bill is one of George Michael's least...

Isabel, where do you think this leaves Zahawi and Sunak, his new government attempting to put things right for the Tories? Is it possible for things to get worse? They've been at an away day at Chequers this week, and Nadeem Zahawi is there, even though Rishi Sunak is not speaking to him

and not inviting him to his birthday party. I think we've all been a bit harsh here. I mean, who here hasn't set up an offshore... LAUGHTER More or less everybody. I mean, who here hasn't had a multi-million pound fine from... Well, pretty much everybody, but... I mean, it is...

The thing is, right, it's definitely not just avoidance, but it's also not evasion either, is it? It's sort of like avoision. LAUGHTER Which makes me sound like a mobster from New Jersey. A bit of avoision. It's weird for Rishi Sunak, isn is it? It's sort of like a voy-sion. Which makes me sound like a mobster from New Jersey. A bit of a voy-sion. It's weird for Rishi Sunak, isn't it? Because I mean, this is just like literally a week on

from when he was thinking, God, this seatbelt thing is a nightmare. He would kill to have another seatbelt moment. I think, if he's got any sense, I would get another fine. That's what I'd do. I'd go, just images of him fly-tipping at the Cenotaph. I think he's parking in a disabled space as we speak, mate. This Chancellor, your finances have got to be in good nick, isn't it?

It's like finding out that Chris Packham had drop-kicked a hamster. You can't be doing that. He's got reviews for everything, hasn't he, at the moment? Well, we'll have a review about that. We'll have an inquiry about that. If he's missing, it's like, did you put out the green bins? Look, I've got somebody looking into this. I do believe that I said I was very clear on this.

And the shame is, in a way, is that it seems quite clear Labour are going to win the next election. This is a reasonable point at which to ask them what they would do. About a week ago, that was starting to happen. But it's almost like the Tories have gone, how dare you, poor focus, this is my story. I want to get back in the news. And then, of course, you know, Labour MPs are clambering over each other

to be on breakfast telly, and Keir Starmer gets to try out... When I was head of the CPS he hates telling people that he's it's a bit like his equivalent of you know when Uncle Albert would tell Del Boy during the war during the war but you know but there's no reason for Labour to do anything else while the Tories are just machine gunning their own legs off on a daily bloody basis he did actually say exactly that line to me when I interviewed him for the magazine this week. He went, I'd have ran a public service. I keep coming back to that word careless, though,

because it was said as such a sort of excuse. It was like, oh, my excuse is that I was careless. And I know everybody messes up, but when you're the Chancellor of the Exchequer, to say that your excuse was careless, when we think about what that word means, we're in a cost-of-living crisis, a post- the Exchequer, to say that your excuse was careless, when we think about what that word means, we're in a cost-of-living crisis, a post-pandemic recession, and then Nadeem Zahawi is like, oh, my excuse,

yes, I simply didn't care enough. It's like, how low's the bar? Well, maybe, like, to Rishi, that was plausible at first, where he's going, you know, to most of us, we're going, Jesus, five million. But Rishi's going, five million, yeah. It's a rounding error. But he might have to replace him in Cabinet.

So he's the chair of the Conservative Party, but he's also Minister Without Portfolio, which is a kind of pleasingly nebulous job title. So it's always confusing. What exactly does it... Because there's not many jobs where, you know, you turn up to work but you don't actually have a job, like hanging around a vet surgery, just standing by a window stroking a trombone.

It literally means the minister of nothing, doesn't it? And the weird thing is as well is that there's an actual role on the opposition side, which is the shadow minister of nothing. How do you shadow nothing? And there's no-one in that role at the minute, so not only has Nadim not got a portfolio, but he hasn't even got a shadow. He's just a ghost.

I just wonder at what point when you're Chancellor, where you just think, this probably won't come up. That's so true, like the bold brass to take the job knowing that that might come up. It's sort of... It's like Liz Trust being asked, would you do a TED Talk on how to smash your first week at work? Leave it with me.

Yes, after a couple of months of highly disconcerting Cabinet stability, a comforting sense of normality has returned to Westminster this week, with the reassuring familiarity of a minister desperately clinging on to his job. Sunak's efforts to haul the Conservative Party back up towards the moral low ground encountered another problem, with

party chairman and minister without explanation, Nadeem Zahawi, under investigation over a multi-million pound tax dispute. In the face of mounting pressure over the who knew when, what, where and why and how much of his tax bills, the under-pressure Zahawi came under mounting pressure from the stories about how under-pressure he is to reduce the pressure on himself that he's put himself under pressure with. Even YouGov, the company that Zahawi himself set up,

sorry, the company that, I've got to cover myself legally here, the company that Zahawi's father clearly set up, YouGov conducted a poll which suggested that Zahawi himself set up... Sorry, the company that... I've got to cover myself legally here. The company that Zahawi's father clearly set up. You have conducted a poll which suggested that Zahawi should quit. It's two, YouGov. The scores at this point, Team Everything, have two and Team Nothing have one. Moving on. Another question relating to, well, troubles for the Conservative Party.

Which former Prime Minister, it turns out this week, was living not only on borrowed time, but also on borrowed money? This is Boris Johnson. Again, I think people are being very cynical here. It's a lot of just Tory bashing once again. It's that, you know, this guy, the BBC chairman, going to eventually become the BBC chairman and people putting two and two together

and coming up with four, which is the right answer. And it's a weird feeling, by the way, being, like, professionally obliged to dunk on the guy that runs this thing. Strange emotion, but... Is there a bit of a problem here? If the chair of the BBC is a Tory party donor who's given in the past around about £400,000 to the Conservative Party,

could there potentially at some point be a problem of perceived bias at the BBC in favour of the wonderful, awesome, and I would say even super-sexy Conservative Party? The strangest bit for me, Andy, is that this loan is from a multimillionaire called Sam Blythe, who's an old friend of Richard Sharpe's. But crucially, Sam Blythe is a distant first cousin of Boris Johnson.

How did Boris not know him himself? It's mad. I don't get it at all. I like the idea that he might have run out of, like, first cousins first. Oh, yeah. Where did he get the idea that he might have run out of like first cousins first Oh yeah He slept with all of them Potentially

Yes it's been reported that weeks before being appointed new chair of the BBC in 2021, the long-time Conservative Party supporter and donor Richard Sharp helped then-Prime Minister Boris Johnson secure an £800,000 loan. Sharp goes by the nickname Sharpie. Not sure why. Presumably because of the indelible stain he's left on the BBC after this story leaked. Sharp has denied that his role in thean played any influence in his becoming chair,

insisting that he was appointed on merit. Being appointed on merit, for our younger listeners, is an old-fashioned and now obsolete method of finding people to do jobs. At the end of that round, it's three points all. This can go to Chris and Maisie on Team Everything. Sajid Javid has said that patients should have to do what to get a GP appointment? Is it face two different guards on two paths?

One of them always tells the truth. And the other one is an MP. What Sajid Javid said? Send the doctor a picture of their rash and then the doctor can choose whether to swipe left or right. It's paying, isn't it? He wants people to pay for GP appointments. I mean, forget about GP appointments.

I'd pay a fiver if they'd just answer the phone. I never thought I would miss being talked down to by a doctor's receptionist. It's like a fantasy now. Oh, go on, tell me I'm being inconvenient. Isabel, you've written a book on the NHS. I have. Thank you so much for mentioning it. Well, it doesn't seem to be in the rudest of health,

but, I mean, when you're the NHS... What, a book? Yeah, well, it's out in June, so by that point the NHS might have finished, so it'll be a complete history of the health service from start to finish. I mean, look, I don't think either party will go near this. It's got a lot of traction for something that isn't government policy.

But I do think, like, being creative about the nhs you know what can we do sponsorship opportunities i think there's plenty of those like we just get product placement into diagnosis or this does look like a break you know what they say have a break have a kit kat that was an actual idea that was an actual idea under the thatcher government they genuinely had suggestions for like the M&S wing. No, I'm all for it. MRI scan, you know, just you going into it, like in the cinema where it says there's still

time to get a Coke. I just looked at it going into an MRI scan and all you can do is turn off your phones and enjoy. This is not just bowel cancer. It's metastatic bowel cancer. You'd have little Facebook groups, wouldn't you, where people can, like, get together,

so, like, ten people who've kind of got the same rash can get together and just send one of them in for the prescription. Is there anything bleaker than being in a rash syndicate? I think we need to utilise the research into quantum physics and we could have quantum GPs and they could exist in multiple appointments at the same time. But just so long as you don't observe them doing it. They could glitch, they could glitch,

and then you end up getting a diagnosis that was meant for a different patient. That happens on the NHS anyway. To be fair, my dad has been struggling with the menopause, so... Yeah, the former Health Secretary, Sajid Javad, has suggested that people should have to pay for appointments at GPs. They're offering two-for-one on A&E visits if you want to get injured with a friend.

And there are also rumours that they might be bringing in a three-strikes-and-you're-out system, whereby you're allowed three goes on the NHS in your lifetime, and after that, you're on your own with the internet, which might seem a bit harsh, but I think you'll find people will stop troubling their GP when they've got a little battle. Are you sure it's three strikes, not three strokes?

I'm moving on to another issue that is troubling the government. Research by the Institute for Public Policy Research has revealed how much public and private investment has been received by regions of the UK in various meminations of the OECD over the last five years. It's an absolute bodice-ripper of a report, let me tell you. But can you put in the correct order which of the following are receiving the least public

and private investment put together? Colombia, the north of England and Cristiano Ronaldo. Which, according to this report, is doing least well? Well, I think according to quite a lot of people who work in Westminster, they would probably say that Cristiano Ronaldo is the only one of those that aren't fictional. Cristiano Ronaldo is a place where dreams can come true.

Think about north of England, though. You know, you think it's all right up there, actually. They've got some nice places, I'm telling you. I grew up in London in the 80s. We were led to believe it was all really bad. Then you go up to somewhere like Harrogate and you think, I didn't expect to come this far north and find somewhere I couldn't afford to live. This is an old soul to lie.

They've got nice places up there. And stuff is cheaper. It's really weird. There's a point when you're going up the M6 when suddenly it's like less than a pound for a crunchy. You think, no wonder they're in a good mood and they want to talk at bus stops. That is correct. This report has showed that if the north was a country,

only Greece would be below it. Any solutions to this regional inequality? What do you think? Maybe a high-speed rail line from London to Brighton? Do you think that would really help? High-speed rail line from London to Cristiano Ronaldo. I think it's levelling up. Yeah.

Or recently Tory MPs were told not to say levelling up because apparently, who knew, no-one knows what it means. So call it gauging up instead. Gauging up? That sounds like one of those things that you Google innocently. Yeah. You have to set fire to your hard drive. We've sort of looked overall at the state of the country

with the problems in Cabinet and the problems of things not working. So, any ideas, any of you, how can the government get its derailed Titanic back on the road and ready for take-off? Did Boris write that? And there's another problem that people have been turning against, including Rod Stewart. Breaking news, guys.

Rod Stewart came out and said that it's time for the Conservative government to stand aside and give Labour a go. A lot of journalists have treated it like he's essentially the chair of the 1922 committee. But apparently it's partly because his wife is annoyed about the government's menopause strategy. As is my dad. Just wait, Labour will win the next election

and Rod Stewart will be the next chairman of the BBC. On the subject of Labour, Isabel, you interviewed Keir Starmer for The Spectator this week. Question for you. He said Labour has not done what yet? One. Yes, correct. He also said, run a public service for 500.

Did he use his seal the deal thing? I find that a bit creepy. We haven't sealed the deal with the electorate. OK, mate, it sounded like... You're not on a date with us, you know what I mean? It's like, give us a kiss on the cheek, let's see how it goes tomorrow. What do you think, Isabel, that Labour could do to lose from here?

Because it's quite a big ask, even for them, to put that rabbit back in the hat. I mean, I think if they lose this election, it will be staggering. How could you be that bad to lose the forthcoming election against this? I mean, it's like every single day the Tory party is having a sort of cry for help. Like, please, just take us out of government.

The problem is Labour are undeniably about three or four new up, but there is still half an hour of play, and it's a long time to be by the corner flag trying to run down the clock, isn't it? The problem is, is every time Keir Star opens his mouth, it's like the most laborious VAR decision. Well, at the end of that round, it's five to team everything,

four to team nothing. OK. King Charles, KC3, is to, quote, break from tradition. Sounds like a postcode. He's to break from tradition and do what at his coronation?

Speak in a comedy Swedish accent. That'd be amazing. He'd go, I'm going to be in a key. Might arrive on an e-scooter. And then he's going to wipe his arse with Harry's book. But they're making it more modern. They're getting rid of breeches, and breeches are... That's to make it easier to get his trousers down.

Even Rhys Mogg was going, oh, breeches are a bit 1706. I mean, you've got to go with the pomp and stuff. Otherwise it's just a bloke getting a new hat, isn't it? Yes, he is going to wear a different type of fancy dress for his coronation. He's going to wear a military garb, apparently. But if Charles was looking to incorporate national symbols, such as the famous British lion,

into his Corrie outfit, who this week might have provided some inspiration? I don't know. Who would you think? Well, Kylie Jenner, apparently. I literally have no idea who she is. Oh, is this the... She went to a Fashion Week Paris, I think. She's got a massive lion's head on the front of her dress.

Why is the emblem a lion? We haven't got lions. The emblem of the royal family or the Kardashian family. It's always lions. We haven't got lions. The emblem should be like a fox or something or a pigeon. A pigeon pooing on a fox's head. And the fox has just got an expression on its face like, oh, God, one of them days.

I think that is the coat of arms of the Duchy of Lancaster. Two foxes ripping a bin bag open and inside the bin bag is stuff that really should have been recycled. If he wants to really capture the mood of Britain on an emblem, it should just be a glass that's half empty. This is Kylie Jenner, also out of my cultural comfort zone. Wore a full lion's head on her dress to a fashion show. The head was not from a real lion, it was from a pretend lion

that had been humanely sewn together out of foam, wool and lions. What did it say on the invite that she went with that? Like, that's not smart casual, is it? I think she meant to do it. You can't accidentally put a lion's head on your tail. You know, it might have just got stuck there. Like, I mean, so my great paranoia when people are looking at me funny

is that I've got jam on my face. Yeah. In fact, I had an entire lunch with Liz Truss once where I thought I had, like, spinach in my teeth and I realised it's just how she looks at everyone. Yes, King Charles III is set to delve into the royal dressing-up box and try something a bit different for his coronation in May when, assuming he's still on top of the royal rankings,

he will be crowned champion of all the Britons. Out go the silk stockings and breeches, and in for the sake of modernity comes military uniform. I don't know what period of military uniform. I do hope he goes with full-on medieval armour. Just in case it all kicks off with the boys again and he has to step in. If he comes in jousting to his own coronation.

Well, at the end of that round, it's seven points to Maisie and Chris and five points to Geoff and Isabel. And the NHS is reportedly considering using what to help clear its backlog? Euthanasia. It's got to work with statistics They say they're going to use robots

but they're not going to use robots I think you just have to go through an automated phone system to get seen and you're like Rash, and it's like, did you say Crash? It's that, but they've called it a robot. It's not robots. I interviewed a robot once.

It's not me named... Her name's Liz Truss. But she was a sort of care home robot, which... A care home robot? Care home robot. As if, like, some of those people aren't confused enough. And they're having your spotted dick delivered by C3PO. It seems to me you said about, you know, in nursing homes,

my father died a few months ago having had dementia for a long time and one of the last times I saw him when he was even making vague sense a few months before he died, he leant over to me and he said, Andy, I'm not getting much enjoyment out of my new device. And I said, what device is that? And he just pointed at my mother. Yes, the NHS is reportedly going to be using let's call them robots,

even though they're not, to sort out its backlog. The backlog has been caused by a range of factors, including COVID, a lack of funding, healthcare staff wanting to be paid rather selfishly, people wanting to stay alive longer and longer and longer. 70 used to be plenty. And modern medicine's working. It used to be so much simpler when you could just tell someone

to chew on some bark, not kiss any rats and hope for the best. NHS backlogs then. Right, we are approaching our final round with the scores now tied at eight points all. let's check things out and look a bit at the rest of the world. This question can go to both teams. What is going to happen in 90 seconds

time? Danny Dyer is going to enter this room citing Shakespeare and popping a bottle of champagne. Not one I've got written down here, Maisie, but history will be the judge. Any other suggestion? What's going to happen in 90 seconds? We're all going to die.

Correct, yes. The end of the world... The end of the world is 90 seconds away. That's according to the latest update to the Doomsday Clock. We are now at the highest level of peril since it was launched in 1947, even more than during the Cuban Missile Crisis, even more than when humanity was on the verge of being wiped out by the Millennium Bug,

even more than when I accidentally took a USB stick out of my laptop without ejecting it properly. Into context, the clock has moved closer to midnight because of old Vladdy Poodles, the Kremlin gremlin, having A, a bit of a temper and be a nuclear arsenal but rachel bronson the ceo of the bulletin of the atomic scientists which oversees where the big hand of the doomsday clock is pointing said that russia's thinly veiled threats to use nuclear weapons remind the world the escalation of the conflict by accident intention or miscalculation is a

terrible risk and if we are going to end the world let it not be by accident or miscalculation if it's by intentional self-destruction that kind of fits in with our overall human narrative but what i do not want is the last words of our species to be whoops so we've got 90 seconds any final comments and you'd like to make while we wait for the end of the world got about let's say sort of 15 20 seconds each we'll run a stopwatch on it these are the final 90 seconds of human existence starting now jeff any final words for the planet uh d i uh look sorry i and just to let you know god i was agnostic so i never ruled you out just just find that out there isabel what's your final words for this planet well i think we've got about enough time for another four prime ministers.

Chris? You're listening to Radio 4 as the doomsday clock approaches midnight and we approach the end of the world, which leaves just time for the shipping forecast. Maisie, final words? This is very stressful. None of us actually like avocado.

New Year's Eve is always an anti-climax and there was enough room on that wardrobe door for Jack and Rose. My final words for the planet, just a piece of advice. Never read two autobiographies at the same time. I still don't understand why Miley Cyrus was Hitler's favourite architect.

So, 90 seconds up. Goodbye, everyone. Taking part in the news quiz were Geoff Norcott, Chris McCausland, Isabel Hardman and Maisie Adam. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Simon Alcock, Davina Bentley and Cameronie Adam. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Simon Alcock, Davina Bentley and Cameron Loxdale.

The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.