Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 28th June

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

Geoff Norcott, Stuart Mitchell, Daliso Chaponda and Katy Balls join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the news.With just one week to go before the UK heads to the polls, Andy and the Panel analyse the final head-to-head debate, discuss the pitfalls of workplace betting, and finally bring a voice to the political elephants in the room.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Toussaint Douglass, Mark Granger, Angela Channell, & Pete Tellouche Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Co-ordinators: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Rich EvansA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I'm Andes Altman. Welcome to the news quiz. Hello in a week dominated by heated discussions about the unnecessarily joyless negativity with which this campaign is being conducted, a general sense of national decline, tedious stalemates,

public dissatisfaction with how things are going and squabblings over who is best for the number 10 role, we're actually going to switch focus on the news quiz, away from the football and onto politics. Our teams this week, well, Tom Cruise has been in London recently, just a short visit. So in honour of his films and paying tribute to A, the state of the Conservative Party and to B, the enthusiasm of the British voting public at the prospect of a Labour victory in next Thursday's election, we have team Mission Impossible Fallout versus team bored on the 4th of July. On team Fallout we have Stuart Mitchell and

Deliso Sheponda. On team Bored we have Jeff Norcott and the political editor of the spectator Katie Balls. Stuart and Deliso can now first go at our first question. Wednesday evening saw the last of the TV debates between Sunak and Starmer. 62% of viewers described the debate as what? Was it more depressing than the Stenders? Ideal opportunity to walk the dog. If my dog hears the word election debate he gets his own lead. I think it was actually frustrating. Correct. Right? And I was worried though, did they mean regular frustration or sexual frustration?

I didn't know that Sunak and Keir Starmer are like the current himbos. I thought you meant sexual, like between them. Well that's how the UK finally gets united. I thought you meant sexual, like, between them, like... LAUGHTER Well, that's how the UK finally gets united. LAUGHTER An exciting new series of YES, Prime Minister! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Katie, presumably you've been contractually obliged, as a journalist, to watch every single second of these debates. How did you find this one and the debate in general? this one? There's only two actual head-to-heads where they're both on stage at the same time, so you see them interacting more. But I feel like we all feel as though we've probably heard enough from both Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer, in the sense that they get asked the same questions

and you don't necessarily get more back. I think with the head-to-heads, it can can often feel as though, you know, Rishi Sunak's getting really aggressive, and then Keir Starman looks a little bit as though he just doesn't want to put, you know, a foot wrong. It was like Rishi does always come out with that energy. You know in Apprentice where they've got a sales task and he's got a... He's like, he's trying to sell gloves but for feet. That's...

I'll say fair play to Rishi. The way that his campaign has gone, I'm amazed that he went out there. He's trying to sell gloves but for feet. That's generally... LAUGHTER I'll say fair play to Rishi. With the way that his campaign has gone, I'm amazed that he went out there. If that was me, I'd have been... You know, like, when a kid doesn't want to go to primary school on the first day, I would have just been holding onto my mum's leg, going, no, please!

Can David Cameron do it? I don't want to go out there! LAUGHTER Starmer was like... He wasn't great. I don't think that this is his strength debates in this format. He sort of looked like he'd had a really ill-considered nap. LAUGHTER Stana was massively evasive as well,

because he just doesn't want to say anything at this point. And he sort of said things like, well, we won't tax working people. Was he like, does that mean you're going to tax everyone else? And I just thought, it's kind of odd, because in your real life, if you spoke to people like that when asked a question, it wouldn't work, would it? People said, oh, yeah, Jeff, are you going to spend your son's college fund going to Vegas

with the lads? I go, look, I've been very clear. I will not touch his piggyback from Nanny June. And I'm definitely not going to touch his regular savings account. I think clearly you have been faithful to your wife, because I answer questions like that Don't answer the question they ask answer the question you want to answer let me be clear

Yeah, I did not look at your friend Michelle's swimwear pictures on Facebook. Okay. I shouldn't have used the name there that I think for me the best moment was when my gran just woke up halfway through and just said, where's the repair shop? LAUGHTER I mean, that was a big thing, they took that off air, but you're right, in terms of Keir Starmer, I think he should have had a penalty.

LAUGHTER Because he was playing dirty tactics, I thought, Rishi Sunak. I think he came out really incensed. He came out so incensed, he had the energy of someone who looked like he was pledging his case to get a face-to-face doctor's appointment. I mean... I mean, he came out, didn't he? He came out ready to rock.

I mean, he was so incensed at one point, if he'd have been standing in a Glaswegian pub, he would have been kicked out. LAUGHTER The bit I actually thought, oh dear, is when there was a lovely disabled woman that stood up and spoke, and you could see Rishi taking frantic notes,

and it wasn't to reply, it was just to say if she was good enough to come to the debate, she was good enough to work. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE According to Keir Starmer in the debate, debate she was good enough to work. According to Keir Starmer in the debate what will take quotes literally 300 years? Was it for Scotland to make it through the group stage? Is it getting all the people who are waiting to be processed on planes to Rwanda? That's great. At the current rate of catapultage, is that the term for...?

Can I just say BBC Verify, I thought was very good, and they verified this fact that it would, in fact, take 300 years to get the migrants to Rwanda if they went from Manchester Airport. that if they went from Manchester Airport. I mean, were you unimpressed with some? I mean, because I feel that, like Jeff said, it's not his natural... I mean, if only it had some sort of job that involved, like, talking and trying to persuade people who were listening to him. But I also think that directness doesn't win, right? I think this is the actual thing is like, would you elect a hundred percent honest politician?

People think they want it. You don't want that. You don't want someone to be like, I have no idea what to do. We want someone to lie to us just more convincingly than the two of them. I want a convincing liar. Elect Judi Dench. Let's look at some of the key words from the debate. We'll take one from each leader.

The words they used most often. For Sunak, what key word did he use, beginning with the letter S? Was that supercalifragilistic? My ratings are atrocious. I think it was surrender, right? Yes, correct. But did you see the ad?

So they have an ad which they're running which is like people with their hands up and it says don't surrender to labor. But it looks like a threat. I feel like the subject is or else. We will round you up and shoot you. He said it so many times you're thinking hang on has he got a little spread bet thing going on here? No, it felt as though they'd probably been a focus group and surrender had been something which had got at least a non-negative response. And then he's like, just keep saying it, just keep going.

That's the problem when you hold your focus groups in a sex dungeon. Is that what the toys are just reduced to? Words people like. Let's say toast. Toast, toast, perfectly buttered toast. A key word for star mode, which word beginning with C? It's not that. I think it's the same word that they have on the Labour bus, and also the same word they just put anywhere while going for a longer slogan, which is change. I think the amount of debt this country is in, we need as much change as possible. We'll all be looking for it down our sofa in order to survive for the next five years. I was reading like the manifestos, and I saw that in the labor one they're trying to sort

of woo the farmers right so they said they're going to ensure that at least half the food served in schools, hospitals and prisons would be British but like isn't that torture? Like give them some flavor for the love of God National cuisine takes another kick. Clearly someone's never tried a chicken and mushroom pot noodle Any other personal highlights from the debate? Yeah, I just I don't think anything will change now I think the polls will remain the same. Maybe Ed Davey will shoot himself out of cannon the same. Maybe Ed Davie will shoot himself out of cannon.

Yes indeed, Sunak and Salma went once more unto the breach to debase each other and the state of our democracy. If I could sum up the debate in two words it would be temper temper. As Salma continued to temper expectations, extremely successfully to be fair, the expectations have now almost completely disappeared, and Sunak uncorked his inner strop furious at what labor could do to the country if it does the things the Conservatives claim labor will do and those things then go the way the conservatives claim they'll go So it's a bit of a hard sell for Sunak But as I said fair play for him continuing to try the continuing Tory focus on Tash tax Tash Tash is the name of my dead dog Should have been 41 next year Continuing Tory focus on Tash, Tash, Tash, Tash is the name of my dead dog. LAUGHTER

Should have been 41 next year. LAUGHTER An audience member asked, are you two really the best? We've got to be next Prime Minister. And disappointingly, neither candidate had the guts to say, well, one of us is. LAUGHTER Or even, OK, smart-ass, why don't you have a pop at it?

Moving on now, Work and Pension Secretary Mel Stride this week described what as deeply disappointing? I think it is the gambling thing isn't it? Yes correct. Do you think this has shifted things at all? I think it's just added to Tory woes. I think you now speak to those on the campaign of the view the campaign is perhaps cursed. Some of that, of course, being self-inflicted. But I think it's cut through, actually, when you speak to candidates, Labour and Tory.

They think this is cutting through more than D-Day now. Rishi Sinek this week had to distance himself from Tory candidates, one being his former co- who no longer, he's on the ballot paper but no longer has the official support. Though I think probably by the time he got near to the end of the week the fact that a Labour candidate had to have distance put between them and Keir Starmer probably cheered the Tories up a little bit and now we're trying to find what counts as a bad political bet because we've had the business minister come out and had to admit that he bet lots of money but on the Tories winning.

We can putting aside if you should have been in charge of business I think we can conclude from that that's not inside trading. But I'm curious the gambling watchdog came over to them for for betting but didn't come after them for you know gambling with the economy. No no that's different that's as long as you got a tie on. It's all a fact. In saying the gambling watchdog they To get the gambling watchdog out, you have to send off a little artificial rabbit before it and then it like... I think they need to give this scandal another name because Gamblegate just sounds like a really pretty village in the Yorkshire Dales, doesn't it?

I wonder if it does suggest that we don't pay our MPs enough that they're engaging in these piss poor scams and I don't know what's going to happen to the Tories after the election. You'll just get a knock on the door and there'll be Michael Gove there trying to sell you cleaning products but looking suspiciously over your shoulder to see the layout of the downstairs and Andrea Ledsum you'll be in a pub and she'll just be lifting up the fruit machine going hold the cherries hold the cherries I mean you mentioned Michael Gove I've actually put a bet on him winning the next series of The Traitors.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE But to be fair, it's not just the Tory party that's been involved in this. It's been all the political parties and even in Scotland, the Scottish Lib Dem leader, Alex Cole-Hamilton. And if you don't know who that is, well, the Lib Dems are also a political party. LAUGHTER So he's admitted as well that he placed bets who that is, well, the Lib Dems are also a political party. LAUGHTER So he's admitted as well that he placed bets

that some elected SPs and MPs would be elected in these constituents in Scotland. And if he got caught, the only reason he got caught, I think, is because he brought a pen out to sign a document, and it was from the bookies. LAUGHTER Amongst those alleged have placed suspiciously well-founded bets on the surprisingly early date that the surprisingly early election would be surprisingly called include the Prime Minister's private secretary who put a £2,000 bet on, it was only £100 but let's say £2,000,

that's just the way this election goes. The party's chief data officer, the police officer working as part of the Prime Minister's close protection team, two candidates standing for parliament, one of whom is married to the party's director of campaigns, a horse belonging to a special adviser. I can't really complain about horses betting on humans after all these years. The interim Tory chair, Ray Winston, and according to a rumour that I'm just making up right now Rishi Sunak himself although he got the date wrong. Labour has also suspended a parliamentary candidate for betting

against himself, clearly a hardened veteran of previous Labour campaigners. It is bizarre though the fact that these bets were placed and people didn't think, oh no we shouldn't do this. I mean thinking you could place bets on the election day as a Tory candidate and not get pulled up on it, that to me is a similar level of blind naivety as developing a new frothed alpaca blood drink and then being surprised when animal welfare groups and image rights lawyers start to get involved when you launch the Al Pacino. Right, let's move the scores are now eight to Stuart and to Aliso and six to Katie and Jeff. Let's move on now to Scotland. Stuart, you can have this question.

What has happened in Scotland for the first time in absolutely ages? Is it a brief resurgence of optimism? I can hear it surging through you, man. Well, I think it's interesting because for the first time, Labour are polling higher than the SNP, which is incredible because we never thought that would really happen. What I think in Scotland, roughly a third of people will vote for the party best placed to get rid of the SNP or the Tories. And in England, 33% of voters will vote for whatever party is best placed to also get rid of the Tories.

And in both instances, the big winner is likely to be Labour, where a third of the population get a government they don't particularly like, just to get rid of one that's here now. I mean, that's like one in three people taking the Megabus to bankrupt Ryanair. I mean, it's absolutely incredible, but obviously in 2015 in Westminster, 56 of the 59 seats went to SNP. And the other three seats were just spares so they could put their feet up. And the negative thing for the SNP is that there's probably less people that will vote SNP but they'll still vote for independence and that's the issue they've got because polls suggest that one in five of independence yes voters will go back to Labour, and the other four out of five will go back to Spain.

LAUGHTER I mean, I wonder, Stuart, like, have we sort of overestimated how much the SNP are going to implode? Because obviously there are issues under Sturgeon and Humza, but John Swinney, he's a sort of gaffer till the end of the season sort of guy, isn't he? I don't know if he can lead Scotland, but he could get England out of the quarterfinals, I do think. He's got that gritty thing. And Stephen Flynn, he's really articulate.

I mean, his policies don't make any sense. He's got no route map to independence and no idea what he'd do when he'd get there. But he uses some great phrases, man. And he's also come up with this idea where they said they're going to table a bill which is they're going to challenge Labour to rule out privatising the NHS, which Labour aren't doing. None of the parties are planning to privatise the NHS. I thought it's an interesting strategy, isn't it? Just challenge people to rule out doing so bad against stuff

you love. Will you rule out a ground invasion against David Attenborough? What are you talking about? The other issue is the Scottish Conservative leader, Douglas Ross. He's also a football referee, as if Tories couldn't be hated enough in Scotland. But he is the lowest approval rating of all leaders in Scotland, at 19% saying that he would do a good job and they

would rather vote for VAR. Unfortunately we do have to skip the question about Reform UK's candidates because this is going out before the watershed. One of the key issues in this election campaign is all the key issues that have barely been talked about, the so-called elephants in the room. So in this, our last news quiz before we all vote, we thought we should hear from those elephants. Bring in the elephants!

Just hope we don't have another Blue Peter incident. But our panellists will choose one of the elephants in the room. The elephant will tell them what undiscussed, avoided or under the carpeted election issue they represent. Our panel will simply have to translate that issue from elephant into English. Luckily I speak elephant. Benefits of a private education. It's basically the same as Latin. I'm African, but I don't speak elephant. Jeff and Katie, choose your elephant. Do you want elephant A, B, C, D or E?

C. Okay, elephant C. Which much overlooked election issue was that? I think the elephant sounds disappointed. Yeah, it sounded like they had hoped for deregulation outside the EU, but it hasn't really materialised in the way they thought it would be. And I think maybe they thought there would be a few more trade deals? They thought that yeah, there would be more trade deals and Britain would of small like Singapore on Thames rather than Brussels by the sea. Yeah. Is that our elephant? That is correct. It is Brexit. Why do you think there's been so little Brexit talk in this campaign? Well, it's funny because if you ask a politician that, they'll say no one cares about Brexit anymore.

But then you think, well, if no one one cares why are you so scared to mention it because even the Lib Dems don't want to talk about it very much and Kirsten Dahmer doesn't want to go anywhere near it because I think the Red Wall voters is trying to get back. Lots of voters in 2019 didn't like the Labour position and then Rishi Sunak doesn't massively want to talk about even though he's done a tweet or two because there's lots of voters on the right going to reform who think he's done a bad job of delivering it. So no one really wants to go near it.

And it means they're all kind of being let off the hook because the others don't want to accuse the other because then they would have to talk about it. Right. It is a forbidden word. If you stand in front of a mirror and you say Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Noddy Farage appears.

Yeah. You stand in front of a mirror and you say Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Nigel Farage appears. It's like a political version of Candyman, niche horror reference. With Labour, the accusation with Labour is that they might have to look at some sort of deal with the EU. Stalin just thinks he's going to go in there because he's scared Stalin will be nice to him. They give him a deal with no concessions. But you sort of think, well, Labour's saying that the main thing is grow the economy, but they're not going to borrow more and they're not going to tax more.

So the economic plan from Labour is a bit like Tinkerbell, isn't it? It's just if we just shut our eyes, boys and girls, and we just really, really believe. I think we could get 0.7% growth in quarter three if we just believe hard enough. So I think that was one point actually in the debate that Sunak teased out quite well. It's like you know with the one thing we've learned about the EU is they don't give you half follies for free. I want to see some breaking news reaching us actually although I'm very unlikely the Britain will ever rejoin the EU. Apparently we have just invited all of the EU members to join the United Kingdom. Win-win. Your move move Brussels Stuart and Elise I choose an elephant

you've got elephant a B D or E that is D D let's hear from elephant D social care amazing and I think that's a very interesting one so it's like there's a crisis in social care, right? There are not enough carers, they're underpaid. At the same time, all the parties are saying we need to bring down migration. You know who will work for not much money? Old people. My people.

Well, it's free in Scotland, isn't it? But to be fair, we don't live as long as you. I think all the politicians are a bit too scarred from 2017, of course, when Theresa May looked like she was about to win a pretty large majority. It was all the Tories imagining this happening. And then they launched their manifesto and there was a social care policy, a realistic one, but one that had some downsides and it was quickly labelled the dementia tax and turns out she lost her majority and there was a hung parliament and I think it's put off all the parties from going anywhere near it

in terms of the tricky conversations. Oh yeah everyone got upset and then forgot we needed a plan. It's all poetic in some ways. I mean the real elephant in the room is not the cost of social care. It's the way it's currently structured. It's eaten into inheritance. Let's just call it what it is. Do you know what I mean? My extension is getting smaller and smaller.

And we need a plan. Well, it's ironic because I don't get that in my family house until my step-mum goes into care. But you can't put a 55-year-old woman into care. I could do that. I could do that. Imagine she gets up in the morning and the care assistant says,

Jeanette, where are you going? She's like, I'm going to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to work. I'm going to work. You've got elephant A, B or E left.

E. E, okay, let's hear from elephant E. E. E. E. Any ideas what, let's hear from elephant E. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E would you ever play a right-footed player at left back? I know it never really works does it? I agree they should be comfortable on both feet at that level I do agree with that. The offside rule is garbage yes yes. No you shouldn't have a goal ruled out because three centimeters of your trunk is offside.

I think that's harsh. He's the captain. He'll come good. Now, can I get on with the show? Thank you to all the elephants involved and the politicians who made them possible. Right, that brings the end of our election, with the scores now 12 to Katie and Geoff and 13 to Stuart and Deliso. Final question now, and we're going to start with a 19th century headline for a story about

this week. This is from the 1843 edition of True Crime Weekly. But you've got to tell me what story it refers to this week. The headline is Britain sends prisoner to Australia. Oh This this is a sign, right? Yeah, right who has gone home and this is the thing is he he was in prison for espionage for five years was it 12 years staycation in total for five years was it? 12 years staycation in total. Wow and I've just got to say like if you're in the government of any country don't tell me anything. What I'm afraid of is I'm a gossip. I would not be able to keep a national secret. I would literally storm out immediately I found out anything

do you know what Putin did yesterday? I be a terrible spy, but I think which worry that is exactly what a spy would say Because I did a gig at an RAF base and because I'm a foreign national they had a soldier follow me around Everywhere to make sure that I wasn't doing espionage everywhere to make sure that I wasn't doing espionage and I'm from Malawi even if I stole the plans of a plane we couldn't build it. I mean I looked at the case of Assange and you know I've looked into the history of it and I think he's guilty and I say that because he looks like a wrong-un and that is how I base Yeah, that's our base a lot of things. Yo first five minutes have banged up abroad. I'm like wrong and I

Mean if he doesn't want people think he's guilty don't adopt the look of Draco Malfoy Guilty of what is my question just whatever they're saying Because I don't think he was saying that he didn't do it I think he was saying it was justified and it's what a journalist should do. Well, you could say, or use your excuse, say it's just gossip that got out of hand. I just should have uploaded those 16,000 documents. I'd had some lambrini and I just felt... But gossip that got out of hand is how most major religions have begun. He managed to have two children while he was in prison.

I just want to ask, how open was this prison? What were they smuggling in there, like pipettes? And then this guy, after he's done 12 years, they made him fly from Stansted. Oh, look, whatever guy's done, no-one deserves a piece. And then he goes on a private jet, right, from London to Bangkok, then to the Marina Islands and then to Canberra. So he's free now, but in six months he'll get taken out

by Greta Thunberg in a kayak. LAUGHTER I think it's a real positive, though, for Rishi Sunak, because finally he gets a plane to leave the country carrying a non-UK national. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So that is the end of the news quiz. Remember to vote hard and vote often next Thursday

and we will be back with a world-exclusive election results show next week. Until then, goodbye. APPLAUSE Taking part in the news quiz were Katie Balls, DeLisa Osheponda, Stuart Mitchell and Jeff Norcott. In the chair was me, Andes Altman and additional material was written by Peter Toulouse, Toussaint Douglas, Mark Granger and Angela Channel. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was the BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm India Akerson and this funny thing happened to me once. I was born and so were you.

And the thing is, from the moment Egg met Sperm, we've been shaped by our world in so many more ways than you think. And our series Child from BBC Radio 4 gets into that. The extraordinary life events of pregnancy, birth and the first 12 months tell us a lot about ourselves, our society, and where we might be heading. The brain of a baby holds the secrets to the origins of human thought. Mothers undergo transformations we are only just comprehending. And the way attitudes to birth change affects every single one of us.

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