Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 29th April

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

Andy Zaltzman reflects on a week of headlines in the company of guests including Andy Hamilton and host of BBC Radio Scotland's 'Breaking the News', Des Clarke. Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Katie Baum A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. We start this week with a question for you, the audience, wherever you are. Which Friday evening Radio 4 comedy quiz show about the news is currently six seconds into its 1,000th episode? Is it A, Start the Week, B, Listen with Mother, the news is currently six seconds into its 1000th episode is it a start the week b listen with mother c tebbit and navratilova unleashed or d the news quiz did you say d would you believe it you're entirely correct welcome for the thousandth time assuming you've listened to all the other

ones to the news quiz hello You've listened to all the other ones. To the News Quiz! Hello. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. Welcome to the show which has been satirising the world for 1,000 episodes over 45 years now and doing it so successfully that everything is now absolutely fine. Our teams this week, we have to my right, team, you shouldn't be doing this from home, and to my right, team, you shouldn't be doing this from home,

and to my left, team, you shouldn't be doing that at work. On team... On team home, we have Andy Hamilton and, from The Spectator, Isabel Hardman. And... And... On team work, we have Celia Aby and Des Clark. And I should say that to mark our 1,000th episode,

all correct answers are worth 1,000 this week, so hopefully we'll achieve a record score. So the first question, this can go to Andy and Isabel. Which country, having battled through two years of COVID, is now succumbing to an extremely mild and not especially contagious dose of local election fever? Yeah, this is local elections next Thursday, which means we can predict what's coming over the next few days.

The weekend, probably see quite a few stories, this and Keir Starmer and saying that he was having sex with nuns during lockdown and stuff like that. Monday, I think then we'll hit the big announcements, I think, because I know it's supposed to be a local election about local issues, but unfortunately, however it's framed, and certainly in Boris Johnson's eyes, Thursday's election is part of Operation Save Big Dog.

So it will be a week of big announcements. It'll be something like Monday, it'll be a wimple tax on the big energy companies. Tuesday, cutting VAT. Wednesday, he'll probably parachute into Mariupol. You know, and he's already been asking his team for, you know, positive suggestions for cutting the cost of living.

So far, they came up with reducing MOTs on cars, reducing the frequency of MOTs on cars, and reducing childcare costs by taking out the care element... LAUGHTER ..and the number of carers that you need. It's a rather depressing and daunting picture, isn't it, of a future where we're all driving disintegrating cars up motorways and desperately slaloming through hordes of unsupervised toddlers.

But, so, yeah, so you've got that to look forward to, all that. And as well as a political journalist, how do you see the current state of the parties? If you can do this concisely and without crying, I'd... Or swearing. of the parties. If you can do this concisely and without crying, I'd... Or swearing. I think part of the Tory campaign in the run-up to the local election, as Andy was saying, is basically to say,

Keir Starmer has done some bad things too. Because we acknowledge we've done bad things, but they're bad too, which is really inspiring stuff. Yeah. Celia, are you excited about the local elections? Oh, I've been waiting for so long. It's my favourite part of the year, me. It's my Christmas.

Are you going to be voting? In that I don't celebrate it. The system here is that you vote for an MP that will vote for someone to... In the local elections, absolutely no-one knows what the system is. OK, good. I mean, it's mostly just about bins, I think.

Des, is this a big thing in Scotland at the moment? Massive. If there's one vote that we really care about in Scotland, it's the local elections. Nicola Sturgeon's always going on about it. When are we having another local election? I have to say, it's interesting that this team is dealing with this topic. You're talking about

a country completely apart from the rest of the UK that has no interest in your politics. You've also got a French person here as well. Thank you for the single applause there from the one SNP member that sneaked in under the cover, opening your kilt, distracting Boris Johnson. I think if there's one thing that does unite these countries

in this mishmash of the islands that we're in, it's the fact that the entire world is on fire. We've got war, we've got pandemic and we think now is the time to have the local elections. Forget military action, can we just fix the potholes? And here

we are, we look forward to these. We're filled with hope and anticipation like those precious thrilling moments just before you crack open an out-of-date egg. We're on the precipice. Surely an out-of-date egg is a chicken. You speak very wisely. According to a senior Labour Party figure

in the ramps of the local elections, and really the first major electoral test of Keir Starmer's leadership. He said this, whenever I see Keir, the image that often comes to mind is of a what? Any guesses? Or tell me what image comes to your mind? Well, oddly, he said a wooden plank. Yes. Which puzzled me. Maybe I've led a sheltered life, which puzzled me. Maybe I've led a sheltered life and there are plastic planks. But he said, yeah, he said that Keir Starmer is a plank. That's not necessarily a disadvantage in an election because there are moments when voters crave a plank.

If the previous incumbent has been shown a bit too much personality. We often go with a plank, don't we? You know, you had Thatcher, big personality, followed by Major, plank. Then we had Blair, personality, brown, plank. Then we had Cameron. Looked like... Looklooked like a personality, but in reality, plank.

And then we had Theresa May, pure plank. And then we had Johnson, multiple personalities, all dysfunctional. So vote plank is not a bad slogan sometimes, you know? So it may not be a problem for him. Andy, you should bring back blankety-blank but call it plankety-plank. Oh, yeah.

Which plank or plank was in charge of the country between 1979 and 1990? He's not on the leaflets, I notice. And Norris Johnson. I mean, in fact, in local elections, they very rarely put the leaders' photos on the leaflets, do they? Because they put that nice bloke up at number 41 on the leaflet, don't they, to try and fool you that it's all about him.

Oh, but in Scotland, SMP, we've got Boris all over their leaflets. Absolutely. And that's just for the local kebab shop. I think you always need, you need a plank once in a while. Keir Starmer to me is the guy in the stag do that's like keeping tabs on everyone.

He's not the most fun, but you need someone to help you get home, I think. These are the local elections. Much of the UK will go to the polls next Thursday, with Northern Ireland electing an Assembly, and local and regional elections across the rest of the UK that will be seen as a mid-term political thermometer reading of the popularity

stroke unpopularity stroke just about tolerability of our current crop of political leaders. Boris Johnson is under scrutiny because of, well, absolutely everything, frankly. Whilst Labour's campaign has included anonymous criticism that Keir Starmer is like a wooden plank. Moving on around the democratic world,

and this goes to Des, and in particular to Celia, who put the lid on Le Pen for the next four years at the least? I cannot wait to hear this pronounced correctly on British radio. Are you ready? Macron. Are you sure? Yes, Macron won five more years

against what was probably the toughest fight for Le Pen, for the Le Pen family, I believe. I really enjoy French elections because it always feels like one of those 80s films where loads of misfits get together to try and fight against one evil. But I really enjoyed Macron's campaign. I watched it from afar.

Have you seen the pictures? Yeah? I enjoyed that he's used his chest hair as an argument against bigotry. And there's a part of me that really loves that we found out that the value of horniness is greater than the value of racism. That's a Nobel science prize winning...

Yeah, absolutely. I felt Le Pen's problem was that although politically she was trying to move away from her dad, physically she is looking more like him. You can't look at her and not see the dad now. It's impossible. That happens to everyone. The older I get, the more I find myself turning into my father.

But then again, he does persist in standing right in the middle of our driveway. Des, did you enjoy the French election? Loved it. No, I've got the box set. Start to finish. Tremendous thank you for teaching me how to pronounce Macron. That's the first time I hear French with a Glaswegian accent.

It did sound a bit like laryngitis, but... Macron. Yeah, I was obviously following this this as I'm sure we all were just laughing at another country imploding and they were describing

the final choice the run off between them as a choice between the plague and cholera which I thought it really is tough

because at least in this country it's like a choice between the plague cholera and the Lib Dems but it was fascinating on the campaign trail because uh he had a a kevlar umbrella yes did you see that is that a very french thing in case he's attacked by mary poppins or acid rain

so um the story is that he was out celebrating the victory and saying hi to people in a market, and a tomato was thrown at him. I know. And they deployed this umbrella, which is worth 10,000 euros. It has got little drawings on it. But it's amazing.

This umbrella can withstand attacks with acids, But it's amazing. This umbrella can withstand attacks with acids, petanque balls, knives, dogs, and even dogs with knives playing... LAUGHTER ..playing petanque. It's... What science can do is incredible. It doesn't say if it's waterproof, though, which is...

LAUGHTER Yes, after a bitter, hostile campaign that deepened divisions in an increasingly fractious country, is there any other kind of political campaign these days? Emmanuel Macron has won five more years as France's president after beating his rival Marine Le Pen, or as he is known in Britain, Aquatic the Stilo. This is my job.

Right, at the end of that round, the scores are 3,000 to Andy and Isabel on Team Home and 3,000 also to Salia and Des on Team Work. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We carry on now with a multiple-choice question. It's been another week in which men, the renowned demographic group comprising just under 50% of the nation and around 60% of the MPs,

have been contributing basically 100% of these stories of frankly abysmal behaviour in politics. In one of which, an as-yet-unnamed male Conservative MP has been accused of watching what in the House of Commons? Was it A, the slow death of democracy unfold before his very eyes? Was it B, the snooker? Was it C, pornography? Or was it D, I haven't finished C yet,

pornography whilst sitting next to a female government minister? B, B, C or D? Hmm. I haven't finished C yet. Pornography whilst sitting next to a female government minister. E, B, C or D. Throwing this open now. I mean, it was porn, wasn't it? It was, yes. It was porn whilst sitting next to a government minister. I'm surprised they get Wi-Fi. Actually, it is very, very

bad in the House of Commons. Because if you're going to watch porn on a public Wi-Fi, you really have to want it. It's got to go and log in, put your email in, postcode, telephone number. Do I want to subscribe? Nah. That's someone that really wants it. I think there's a good way of knowing...

I think the person who did it, they should just come out and say it. I think that would be the noble way of doing it. They should just stand out and say it, right? I think that would be the noble way of doing it. They should just, you know, stand up when they can. But I think it's quite, yeah, I mean, what is going on where people are just watching?

That's really bad, isn't it? Or is this lost in translation? Are you all doing it now? I was talking to one MP who was very angry about it. I mean, every MP is very angry about this. But one MP was saying, you know, it's so disrespectful to you. And I thought he was going to say,

women who are objectified and degraded by porn and, you know, faced with unrealistic expectations of bodies and sex. He said, other MPs who are speaking at the time. And I thought, yes, that's it. Having sat in the House of Commons chamber in the press gallery for the past 11 years, this MP was really missing out on some good speeches. In a related matter,

Boris Johnson said he would unleash the terrors of the earth on whom that's classic boris you know he was trying to be sincere but he couldn't resist showing off could he that's a quote quote from leah but it was supposedly on the person who had uh fed Mail on Sunday with this story about Angela Rayner supposedly distracting Boris Johnson with her legs. And it was funny because it brought to mind... I was doing this show the week when Theresa May appointed Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary. And I remember joking that, you know,

it was a very bad idea to put him in charge of, you know, extremely sensitive and difficult diplomatic negotiations because what if a woman walked in? And that, you know... And clearly this MP's estimation of his leader is exactly that, that he's such a basic biological organism

that if there is a woman anywhere in the vicinity with legs, then he'll just disintegrate mentally. I mean, he probably was an MP with a bottle of Merlot inside him just showing off, but the alternative view is that his assessment is correct, in which case I really think Labour should capitalise if he's that easy to distract. You know, Keir Starmer should definitely

turn up at Prime Minister's question time wearing a basque and fishnet tights. I thought the premise of it that she had to do this because she couldn't compete with Boris's Oxford Union training.

Yeah. It was fascinating. I really think the Oxford Union should sue him for that. Isabel, you're also ten years or more as a political journalist. Have things got better in terms of what female MPs have to deal with or do you think they've got worse? I mean... I think there are more female MPs,

well, there are more female MPs, so there is safety in numbers, in the sense that they are not being cornered by male MPs. I don't think things have got better, though. I don't think you can say that, you know, nearly 10% of the House of Commons being under investigation makes things better, or somebody thinking that watching porn in the Commons

is going to... that they can just get away with it. So, no, that's not a very funny answer. Oh, no, that's... Yeah, there we go. Not a very funny question. Yes, another week, another slew of stories about men in politics falling below the already very low

bar of behavioural expectation if you took a time machine and showed today's headlines to the News Quiz's first host Barry Norman and his guests when the News Quiz started a thousand episodes ago in the late 1970s and you showed them the West at loggerheads with Moscow,

a cost-of-living crisis threatening to undermine the government, Liverpool looking good for footballing glory in Europe, they wouldn't have batted an eyelid. Barry Norman would have said, well, I've got jokes on all of those, as well as a formidable recipe for pickled onions. But if you showed him MP watches pornography in the House of Commons on his telephone, that might have caused some consternation in the 1970s.

At the end of that round, the scores are 5,000 to Team Home and 6,000 to Team Work. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And this goes to Andy and Isabel on Team Home. Who is spending $44 billion buying what? Please answer in no more than 280 characters. Wait, you're looking at me because I'm the technology correspondent? Yeah, you are. Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, well, this is... I'm not on Twitter because it's an abusive, toxic echo chamber and I don't have a mobile phone. No, I prefer to stick to the good old-fashioned poison pen letters. But I know this is about Twitter, and I don't know much about Elon Musk, but he's bought Twitter, and he's set out his objectives. He wants to improve it.

He said he's going to eradicate the spam bots, which are these robots that generate malicious tweets. And his actual quote was that he intends to authenticate all humans, which, oddly, is something that you might hear a robot say. Doesn't it? Authenticate all humans. He's also said he wants to restore freedom of speech. He said he wants it to be a digital town square. I don't really get that comparison,

because, you know, here, the town squares are just full of rubbish and abusive drunks. Oh, I can see it now. No, it does work. So, fundamentally, the story is, obscenely rich man with the mind of an 11-year-old boy takes control of internet. Will he make it worse? Can he make it worse?

That would be quite an achievement. That's the story. Des, if you had $44 billion to spare, and I've no idea whether you do or don't, and you wanted to protect free speech, as Elon Musk says, how would you go about it? Well, if I had $44 billion to spare, I would, fingers crossed,

just be able to afford my return train ticket to Glasgow. The sale is on. It's an amazing story, Elon Musk, and you know the fact that this is just a $44 billion midlife crisis. See, he's got this idea, and you might be aware of it as you touch on that he's going to make sweeping changes to twitter this is what he's going to do this is the man that owns all the electric cars so you can guarantee he's never going to go as far as you hope he will i'm not not sure. I mean, look, the guy's worth $260 billion,

which just shows you how much you can save if you don't need to buy petrol. Elon Musk, the future tech-trepreneurial, space-bothering squillionaire baffle genius, has batted off a growing chorus of allegations that he's clearly fictional to launch an audacious 44 billion dollar bid to buy Twitter, the anti-social media platform

that has brought the world closer together whilst driving it further and further apart. And it's that kind of 286 character long sentence that Musk clearly wants to ban. Musk described Twitter as being like a town square. Well, I grew up in Tunbridge Wells, where, well, I was the town square. But we must remember as well that Twitter has changed. Your message is going to be a lot longer than when it was first launched, 280 characters now, it used to be 140. When it was first launched, 40 characters maximum, the original iteration of Twitter.

That was way back, of course, in Old Testament times, when God launched it in order to tweet out the Ten Commandments 40 characters tops thou shalt not covet thy neighbours I've only got two left Ox? It's going to have to be Ox So the score is now tied at 7,000 points each.

Andy, can I just ask, this innovative scoring system that you've got, is that a computer or something? Yeah, it's all done by computer. Oh, right. I'm a professional statistician, Andy. Question me. This goes to Des and Celia.

Now, you don't need to be a rocket historian to know that the world is having a bit of a tricky decade. But which sign of the impending apocalypse, as prophesied in the Book of Revelations, which is a chapter of the smash-hit publishing phenomenon, the Bible, which of those occurred this week? What was it?

The earth shall burn with water. Nation will rise against nation. Or a pigeon shall land on a snooker table. Which of those actually happened? Without a doubt, perhaps the greatest event in sporting history was when a pigeon landed on the table at the Crucible during the World Snooker Championships. A raucous occasion. It really was momentous. The commentary, Sally, I'm sure you were watching it live as I was. Oh, yeah.

John Virgo, Ken Doherty. Pigeon. Pigeon. What more do you want? It was that moment. Where's that cool ball going? That has to be one of the greatest moments in sporting history. I don't know if they have snooker in France.

No, but we have pigeons. You're halfway there, then? We're halfway there. You're halfway there. Don't teach them to hold a cue. You've got a game. I loved it. I loved it.

Did you see it? Oh, yes. It was my favourite moment in sports. I think that it added so much... I'm frisson. To sport, and I think... French or swearing. They're both very similar it added so much

to the sport that I think this sport isn't quite boring I find and I think that we should add animals to normal sports now for football I want a live cougar to be released and I still want them to play football instead of extra time yes And I still want them to play football.

Instead of extra time. Yes. You know that way, extra time and penalties, it really demeans the game. Just get a wildcat. Exactly, but that's how bullfighting actually started. Before the bull entered, for ages, for centuries, it was just a guy with a flag.

Did you say that you find sport quite boring? Oh. I know this is your first time on the show. So I do find it quite hard to watch sports for a long time without going on my... You've said the wrong... I'm afraid your team's just gone back to... But, God, do I love England. Now you're saying all the wrong things.

A pigeon landing on a snooker table, it's obviously a sign from the Almighty Lord. What do you think it portends? I thought it meant that they'd done well, because, like, you know, in golf, you get a birdie or an eagle. I have to say, I heard about the footage and I looked it up on Google, I was disappointed. I was genuinely disappointed

because I had been hoping to see professional snooker players having to play shots around the pigeon. And I just hope the pigeon landed and was like, right, which one of you is John Parrott? So, well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. And the final score, well, I'm afraid, certainly because of your anti-sport comments, you and Des have scored no points whatsoever.

Hope you've learned your lesson. And our winners are Andy and Isabel with 8,000. And our winners are Andy and Isabel with 8,000. Before we go, we're going to look into the future. And I'm going to ask our panellists, so this is the 1,000th episode of the News Quiz. The 2,000th at the current rate will be in the year 2064. But we want you to tell us what will be in the 100,000th episode of the News Quiz.

So this is the year... About 4,000 years away. About 4,000th episode of the News Quiz. So this is the year... About 4,000 years away. About 4,000. I think the top story will be the imminent publication of the Sue Gray Report. That is correct. That concludes this week's News Quiz.

I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Andy Hamilton, Isabel Hardman, been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.