Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 30th September

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to the News Quiz, coming to you this week from Liverpool. Liverpool! Hard luck, Glasgow. I know how desperately you wanted to you this week from Liverpool. Hard luck, Glasgow. I know how desperately you wanted to host this big show. I'm Andy Zontzman.

Our two teams this week, we have Team Inner Hole against Team Keep Digging. On Team Inner Hole, we have Eleanor Tin and from The Observer, Sonia Soda. And on Team Keep Digging, we have Stephen Bailey and Adam Rowe. And since we are in Liverpool, we will start with this, and this can go to Adam and Stephen, who in Liverpool this week was trying to return to centre,

address hopefully 10 Downing Street, London, in a couple of years' time, if not before. Is it girls allowed for Love Actually 2? Close, but not quite, Stephen. Well, maybe you're wrong, Andy. Yeah, you actually haven't checked whether they're trying to get back there. You don't know whether that sequel's in the works. I mean, it's the sequel literally no-one's asking for.

Yeah, I think Stephen might be right. We're sticking to our guns on that. That's our answer. We're not doing any more. OK. Any other guesses? Was it Keir? It was, yes.

Very well done. See, I did know all along. It was just a joke. I was backstage sort of reading all the reaction to Labour's 33-point lead in the polls, and they've asked also on YouGov, do you think Rishi would be doing a better or worse job if he'd have won?

And 13% of people said worse. And I want to know what they think he might have done. He'd have to have a firework up his backside, a flaming sambuca in his hand and just smearing excrement all over Parliament. What could he possibly do but burn the place to the ground? I love your use of excrement, then. Sonia, you were here for the Labour conference.

I mean, did you... Do you sense that... Is there overconfidence or the right level of confidence? I think there's the right level of confidence. It had a little bit of a weird vibe because obviously when you look at the outside world, the economy is melting down, the pound is plunging. So you had all these people going around Labour conference feeling, you know, quite upbeat about Labour's political fortunes,

but trying not to seem too positive because of what's really happening in the real world. But yeah, I think you sort of look at what's going on and Labour can't help but feel a little bit hopeful, really. And Keir Starmer had a good week. He delivered a speech which lots of people thought, I mean, let's face it, Keir Starmer isn't the greatest orator in the world. But he sort of, you know, he did the job. He's done some really good interviews. So yeah, I think, you know he did the job he's done some really good interviews so yeah i think you know this was the first conference in a really long time where the mood was oh my god we might be in government in two years it might be two weeks i like the idea of the Renewable Energy, nationally owned Renewable Energy Company.

And I think I would like him to be more specific about what the energies are going to be. Because we know he's going to go for the obvious ones, wind, tidal, solar. But I think there's other sources of UK energy he could be going for. The resentment between the Gallagher brothers, that's the source. The sexual tension on the A1.

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's three adult shops between ten miles of each other. The drop in appeal of Greg's pasties the second they leave the shop. That's another source of energy we could be tapping into. They're like cars, aren't they? As you get them off the forecourt, the Greggs pasty just plummets in value.

The second they go, yeah. I don't really like Keir Starmer. Of course you don't! I don't. I like Labour. But I want someone to run Labour that would go to, like, the petrol station in their rugs. Do you know what I mean? I think you might have your priorities wrong.

I thought I was... You are right, though. I am right. You are right. He's got the charisma of a bag of ham and a can of soup in a bag. He's insane. And it speaks a lot about, like,

Liverpool is such a staunchly Labour city and we're still going to have to vote for him despite the fact everyone in Liverpool just hates him. Because he's written in the sun. And you have to sort of, like, understand that someone going for power has to write in certain newspapers that might get disdain from strongholds like Labour. You do have

to be understanding of that. Anyone could be in charge of it. Boris Johnson could be in charge of the Labour Party. And he'd win Liverpool seats. Do not put that idea in his head. He'll be dead in a short. Looking ahead to whenever the next election is, the North is set to be a key electoral squabble ground after the Conservative gains in 2019 built,

if I remember rightly, on a wave of dissatisfaction about the lack of tax cuts for the wealthy. Is that what that... So, I mean, what do you think... Do you think Labour is winning that back, Sonia, winning those...? Well, I think the Tories are losing it. That's the best way of putting it at the moment. So when you look at...

I know we're going to come on to talk about the mini-budget, but when you look at what's on the table, so, you know, a tax cut for millionaires of £45,000 a year. I don't think that is something that people on normal wages look at and think, great, the Tories are for me. It's like a reverse Robin Hood. Keir Starmer's the first politician ever to use like Rocky's rope-a-dope tactic as a politician. He's like, I'm going to do nothing and I'm just going to wait for them to punch themselves out.

And it's working. But it's not even that they're punching themselves out. They're punching themselves in the face. He's like, do you know what? They'll punch me for long enough and I can just take it all and I'll just do nothing and then they'll just start hitting each other and they've done it. I can't believe it's going to actually work.

He's going to be prime Minister by having basically no policies and nothing to say about anything, just I don't quite like the parties they had. That's been the strongest he's been on anything. And he's going to win. And I'm going to vote for him and I'm going to hate him. Another question related to the Labour conference. Adam, who has given Labour his full backing?

His full backing. Oh, hang on, I see what you're doing there. I mean, if it's the football... I don't know. The correct answer, who has given Labour his full backing, is Gary Neville, the former... Oh, I've heard of that one as well! The Sky Sports pundit and former England and Manchester United right-back

urged people to get behind Keir Starmer, and Starmer, of course, is currently playing in a false number 10 position. They're trying to play... The fact there was a real pause before that round of applause, your heart was not in that, unrighteousness. They're trying to play without left-wingers, of course. What do you think of Gary Neville wading into...? Well, this is the Tory party.

Of all the things they've done, austerity, messing up the pandemic, cutting the NHS, privatising, selling parts of it off, all of it, I can get past that, right? I can forgive. You know? We've all been drunk at a Christen and made some mistakes. I get it. What is absolutely unforgivable is making a staunch Liverpool fan

quite like Gary Neville. But now he's making good points and I have to retweet a man who I used to, like, spit at the TV when he was on it. So do you like him now? I hate Gary Neville. I hate him. Like, I absolutely hate him.

His face makes me think of every Liverpool loss of my childhood when we played them and they bounced us all round, the whole Trafford, Anfield, Wembley. Every time we played them, I felt like we lost. I hate him, but he's got some good points on the economy. Did you ever go into politics? Yeah. I think you'd be excellent.

Yeah, no, I think politics would be a lot... I hate the House of Commons because I hate all the theatre and the tradition around it. Like, oh, don't clap. You're not allowed to clap. You have to go... Like, it's so... The rules of it are so stupid and they have to call my honourable friend when they hate each other.

I think filling the House of Commons with people like me and you, proper working class people who do not care about upsetting people because they think their policies are insane and killing people, just going, lad, no! I just can't stand it.

They're running the country and they act like they're rap battling. They slam the opposition and all the mates are like, whoa! It's like, you're running the country and they act like they're rap battling. You slam the opposition and all the mates are like, whoa! It's like, you're running the country! I am finding your passion very attractive this evening. Next question on the Labour Party can go to Sonia and Eleanor. Who did not get the Labour Party's things are going quite well at the moment

so please don't make unbelievably stupid racist comments memo. It was Rupert Huck. Yes. Who decided it was a good idea at a fringe event to say that Kwasi Kwarteng, the Chancellor, is only superficially black, which is, I think, a really disgusting thing to say. Yes.

Do you want to thought that with the Labour Party Gilly Black, which is, I think, a really disgusting thing to say. Yes. You know what I thought? With the Labour Party in the position it's in, it ought to be quite easy to avoid things like that. You would think, wouldn't you? It was all going so well. Kirsten Starm had made his big speech. It was getting rave reviews. And then she comes out and says that,

which was a bit of a negative point, I would say. But to be fair to the party, they did act quite swiftly. They've removed the whip from her and there's going to be some sort of independent process, although, I mean, she said what she said. So hopefully it'll be quite a quick independent process. So, yeah, so they were on top of it and lots of other MPs came out and said,

from all wings of the party actually, came out and said, no, wings of the party actually, came out and said, no, that is not on. Keir Starmer, in his big Wednesday morning interview with the Today programme, said it was racist. He was really clear about it. So at least it was dealt with in the right way. Because there's a few things that they could be attacking quasi-quoting about. I mean, you think, right? Yes, the Labour Party conference in Liverpool this week saw an increasingly confident Keir Starmer, thinking he is just another two years' worth of Tory budgets

away from becoming Prime Minister. A growing leading opinion poll suggests that Labour is going to have to pull a seriously destructive rabbit out of its own hat to lose the next election. Amongst the policies announced was the creation of Great British Energy, a publicly owned renewable energy company which aims to turn the much-criticised British weather and seaside into pure liquid gold.

They've also announced plans to use Jacob Rees-Mogg as a source of alternative energy, having found a way of converting anachronism into electricity. Andy Burnham called Keir Starmer a prime minister in waiting, and it could just be two years and maybe five more Conservative prime Keir Starmer a prime minister in waiting, and it could just be two years and maybe five more Conservative prime ministers before Starmer. In Downing Street, Burnham said it was the right speech at the right moment in time.

But given the state the government finds itself in, Starmer could have stood on stage belching, I'm a pink toothbrush, you're a blue toothbrush, and it would have felt like the right speech at the right time. I think that's what 13% of people think Rishi Sunak was going to do. At the end of that round, team Keep Digging have two, team In A Hole have four. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On to round two now, and we'll give this to Eleanor and Sonia. What do the following all have in common? The International Monetary Fund, the Labour Party, the Conservative Party, the Bank of England, the Daily Telegraph, the pound, 88-year-old Elsie Sniddles from Nantwich, Twitter user at FreddyFunkStorm33, and a pigeon.

They all hate Liz Truss and Kwesi Kwarteng. I mean, have you known a more kind of incompetent start to an administration, Sonia, in your life as a political journalist? No. Right. That's the correct answer. Do you not remember Roy Hodgson at Liverpool?

No. Is that a football reference? Yeah. Stop it. Stop it. I do think doing a quasi is going to be a new phrase in our political lexicon, though, and it means just taking something really bad and making it a whole lot worse. I did that to all my ex-boyfriends.

I had a terrible start to a job once. I got a job giving... I was going to say, dealing ice cream cones to children. Dealing is not the right word. But the thing with when you're making an ice cream cone, you've got to do a certain number of twirls of the cone to make it a certain size. And there was an instruction from my boss,

I was supposed to give two twirls and that was the right size of cone. But I couldn't resist doing a third twirl to give the children a bigger size of cone. And then I got, you know, reprimanded at work for that. But I guess if I was in the Liz Truss school, what I would have done would have been, I guess, given the third twirl of the ice cream cone

to some of the more richer kids and hope that the ice cream would trickle down. So Liz Truss did say, I have to do what I believe is right for the country, and she seems determined to see that threat through. Any chance of them backing down, do you think? No, I mean, she can't, can she? She's got to go, oh, we expected this, this was the plan,

it's going to be fine, we'll bounce back. Like, she's got to own it. She can't be, what, a week, let's say, a couple of weeks into this job, and go, do you know what? That was bad, wasn't it? I was wrong all along, actually. Anyway, off I pop. Stephen, we've had a barely discernible tax cut,

which will be more than offset by a massive rise in inflation and the cost of mortgages and rents. So the cost of living crisis is getting worse and worse. Do you have any cost of living tips for our listeners? We grew up on food banks, my family, and first of all, it doesn't stop you being a snob. Like, I couldn't believe people didn't donate lobster. I can't believe it.

What I will say is now, if ever I'm strapped for cash, I just go to my dad's house and use his electricity because it worked when I was a kid and it works now I'm 35. I think it's a really good idea. But even rich, posh people are struggling right now because I went to my friend Mark's house and he served me this thing called gazpacho. Have you had it?

I have, yep. It was cold tomato soup. He's just not paid his gas bill. I think there's something in that. Also sounds like a Newcastle player from the 90s, actually. Roberto Gaspaccio, unbelievable player. Listen, you need to stop doing these football references. Otherwise, I'm going to make you name all of S Club 7.

Bradley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The other one. Well, then I can name David Beckham. We. Yeah. The other one? Well, then I can name David Beckham. We're even. Paul Catamount.

Paul Catamount. Yeah. Yeah. You're a bad gay. I mean, let's... Shall we move on to talk about taxation? Yes! Yes! Yes! I mean, it does seem, just in the whole way it's been done,

they're just a couple of logical steps away from paying billionaires to unplug people in hospitals. But there was something wrong. They're trying to sort of simplify the tax system, because at the moment, our tax system is complicated, isn't it? It's very much like my great-uncle Bernard, our tax system, in that it's mostly incomprehensible, unless you've known him for ages. It's increasingly outdated.

It's randomly cruel to poor people. Oddly inconsistent about biscuits. And deeply uncomfortable with the concept of menstruation. So, I mean... What can a government do to sort of change tax without totally tanking the economy? That's also the correct answer. Well done. Can we quit and start again? Is that a thing?

I just love how the government are struggling with this and you've looked at Eleanor and gone, any policies? How do we fix the economy? Comedian Eleanor Tidd. If we put Eleanor in gone, any policies? How do we fix the economy? Comedian Eleanor Tidd. If we put Eleanor in Downing Street, I think she'd be doing a better job right now, don't you? Is there anyone in this room who would claim that they would

not be doing a better job? And if so, what would you be doing? I actually think I would mess it up. It was interesting how, amidst all this chaos, with the pound sinking and international markets getting very excited, Liz Truss did try to quell the uncertainty by saying absolutely nothing for days. Do you think that was a shrewd, strategic move?

Well, I think given the mess she made of the eight local radio stations she appeared on, she probably did do a good job in just staying shtum and not saying anything. Do you think that was her way of going, do you know what, I'm going to mess this up, so let's just annoy Sheffield today? I'm surprised she didn't just try and blame Meghan Markle this morning for everything. I mean, it's the obvious go-to. You know, she could have said, I saw her trying to undermine the confidence of the pound.

You know, telling her I'd look tired. You know, that's classic Meghan Markle stuff. Have you seen Lord Ashcroft's tweet? Like, the reason the pound is tanking is that the market is worried Labour are going to win the next election. And it gave off vibes of that lad at school who's like, yeah, I've got a girlfriend, she lives by my nans and goes to a different school.

You said you'd stop bringing that up. There's some fun to be had, though, I think, with the drop in the currency, because we're used to hearing jokes that are of the format, like, your mum is so fat. And I thought we could do some jokes like, your currency's so low. I don't want to get accused of currency shaming.

So here, right, your currency's so low, mechanics are sliding under cars on it. Take that, my pal. Yo currency so low, sweet chariots are swinging from it. Yo currency so low, steps have asked it to join the band. That one I got. This is indeed the, well, the economy. We've been living through the aftermath,

and more importantly, the aftermaths of interim Prime Minister Liz Truss and let's-take-her-chancellor-quasi-quartegs fun-sized fiscal funkstorm last Friday. In their first major act since being electo-foisted into power, they announced, on my budget, Unleash Hell. It's been the shortest and most awkward honeymoon period since Henry VIII said,

hey, Darl, can I tell you what happened to my exes? And as first months in office go, this has been about as successful as the poisonous hot dog cannon week at the launch of my local vegan cafe. As a result, the economy's been melting down like a waxwork puppy in a pizza oven, and the pound went down faster than a buttered baby down a well-waxed water slide. I cannot begin

to explain how difficult it was to do the empirical research for that line. How did you get your mouth round all that? A top-rate tax cut that no one was asking for, and those doing well enough to benefit from won't notice much, sparked an interest rate hike that means that people who do really need their money will have much less of it.

As a result, the pound slumped, criticism reigned in from all conceivable parts of the political swamp, and the Bank of England had to heimlich the economy back to at least a basic level of oxygenation. The Office of Budget Irresponsibility finally broke its silence and gave the mini-budget its highest five-clown-face rating, describing it as impressively untethered from economic sense. Larry Summers, a former US Treasury Secretary, said,

Britain will be remembered for having pursued the worst macroeconomic policies of any major country in a long time. And we should remember that Liz Truss, in her acceptance speech early in September, had said of the leadership campaign that she won, I think we have shown the depth and breadth of talent in our Conservative Party. And that concern... That concern is now shared not only by the vast majority of the country,

but the entire planet. At the end of that round, Team In A Hole have eight, and team Keep Digging have four. OK, moving on now, we have a Liverpool round, since we are here in Liverpool. So this question goes to you, Adam, and to Stephen.

You're from up the road in Manchester. I don't think they're going to like that. Okay, so I'm going to give you the answer. You have to tell me what the question is. The answer is Liverpool or Glasgow. What is the question? Oh, me! It's me!

Is it, who's going to win the Champions League? Is that our go-gon? No, I'll let you have a crack at it, Stephen. Which city shall host Eurovision? I'll give you that. The precise wording I was looking for was which two cities with a renowned culture of high-level music

are down to the final two in the contest to destroy that culture by hosting Eurovision. I honestly think it will be in Liverpool because you're home to all the musical greats, like Atomic Kitten. I thank you for Kerry Katona. She's Waddington, actually. for Kerry Katona.

She's Waddington, actually. Do you have strong views on which of these two cities should be hosting it next year? Well, Liverpool, obviously. I think you did that for applause. Do you know how much respect I'd have had for you if you'd gone staunchly Glasgow? Ask Eleanor, see what she does. We had a situation in Ireland back in the early 90s

where we won the Eurovision, I think maybe two or three times in a row, and we actually ran out of cities to host the Eurovision. I thought you were going to say ran out of money. Well, that's part of the story because we ended up having to have the the Eurovision. I thought you were going to say ran out of money. Well, that's part of the story because we ended up having to have the third Eurovision in like a horse shed in West Cork. And I guess the Eurovision audience

are a very open-minded group of people and they went with it. I don't imagine there's any horse sheds here in Liverpool. Are there? Sorry. Do you know how many gays are going to come to this fine city? Rent out those rooms. They'll redecorate for you.

Yes, this is Eurovision. The decision will be made between Liverpool and Glasgow to host the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest. It's been whittled down to just two unlucky cities to stand in for Ukraine, which was due to host having won last year's Warbeloff, but is unable to do so, presumably because Eurovision doesn't want anyone

to question the validity of its voting procedures, which seems to happen a lot in Ukraine these days. Personally, I'm a bit out of the Eurovision loop, six years on from the referendum to get out of it, and nothing has changed. One more question on Liverpool. Adam, according to get out of it, and nothing has changed. One more question on Liverpool. Adam, according to the mayor of Liverpool, Joanne Anderson, what is nonsense?

The fact that we had a mayor called Jo Anderson and we replaced it with Jo Anderson. I felt like he literally went away, put a wig on and come back and was like, no, no, I'm a different person. So being mayor of Liverpool is like being Doctor Who. That's just a kind of regeneration. Well, the levelling up scheme. She's right about that.

She's right about that. Billions and billions in a fund. And quite a lot of it has gone to affluent conservative constituencies. Do you think the levelling up programme amount to much more than giving a free novelty Christmas sock to someone whose leg you've hacked off with a chainsaw? At the end of our Liverpool round, the scores are team Inner Hole have nine and team Keep Digging have caught up, they're on eight.

And Team Keep Digging have caught up. They're on eight. Moving on now. What is no longer in the pipeline? This is the story of the Russian pipeline that has somehow got damaged. How did that happen? Apparently there were some Russian Navy ships seen in the vicinity a few hours before the giant bubbles escaped and came to the surface.

I was wondering if the pipeline was like 404 feet underwater because that's the exact height of the steeple in Salisbury. Sorry, hang on. Are you saying they stole Salisbury Cathedral in the middle of the night and jammed it into a pipe? Yeah, this is Nord Stream 1, and it's sequel pipe. Nord Stream 2, it's a gas, which both sprang leaps in suspicious circumstances.

The mega pipes, which pump gas from Russia to Germany, may, and I repeat, may have been definitely sabotaged. So this is pretty bad from an environmental perspective because even though the pipelines weren't in use, they were full of gas and it's going to escape and obviously do quite a lot of damage. I'm starting to think Vladimir Putin doesn't really care about the environment, guys.

That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. This week's winners are Eleanor and Sonia. CHEERING Just some breaking news reaching us. The BBC has won exclusive rights to the final showdown to see which of Liverpool and Glasgow gets to host Eurovision. We will be carrying live coverage of Paul McCartney and Lewis Capaldi wrestling to the death. Refereed by the scrupulously neutral Kenny Dalglish.

Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Adam Rowe, Eleanor Tiernan, Stephen Bailey and Sonia Soda. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Zoe Tomlin, Sam Picconi and Jade Gebbie. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production.