Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 3rd February

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

For this week's News Quiz we're in Glasgow! Andy is joined by Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, Ashley Storrie and journalist Alex Massie. Up for discussion is the latest on strike action, the economy and the possibility of bringing a Dodo back to life.Hosted and written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Max Davis, Stuart Mitchell, Carl Carzana and Jade Gebbie.Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. to make it easy for you to live, work and study locally. By providing high quality education, skills and training necessary for your future, Keanu College is focused on getting you started. Learn more at keanu.ca slash ykeanu. That's keanu.ca slash w-h-y Keanu. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This week's news quiz comes to you live from the surprise third birthday party for Brexit. Surprise.

Yay. And there it was. Not too bad in the circumstances. There wasn't a lot of money to spend on it There were no staff because they were on strike And even if they weren't they couldn't get here No champagne because of import problems The balloon modeller was barred because the word inflation triggers everyone And the magician refused to come because he's had enough of fraud and deception

It's just a tall posh looking guy in glasses and a suit Getting off with himself in the corner of the room But then maybe we should have held it in Glasgow Which is where we are for this week's News Quiz. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the Stan Comby Club in Glasgow. We have a Calcutta Cup special this week.

It's Scotland against England. Our panel are all Scottish, so I'm England. So every question they get wrong, I get a point. Representing Scotland, we have Susie McCabe, Frankie Boyle, Ashley Storey and, from The Times, Alex Massey. And our first question, half a million people across the United Kingdom refused to do what this week?

Listen to the news quiz after they heard the line-up. Go to work, probably. Go to work, that is correct. Basically, everybody went on strike. Train drivers, teachers. It was particularly unlucky for teachers who were hoping to use their day off to throw themselves under a train.

But we need to have streets because things are getting destroyed. The ambulance service is getting destroyed. Nowadays your best hope of getting to hospital is phoning Deliveroo then collapsing on your doorstep dressed as a lambooner. Nowadays most of the ambulances are just a guy

with a transit van who does the siren noise out the window. And, you know, these are people who deserve to be paid properly. If someone's in a caring profession, you want them paid properly because your life is in their hands. You know, nurses and doctors and what have you.

Of all the ways that I want my prostate examined, resentfully... LAUGHTER ..is pretty near the bottom of the list. Yet you want people in caring professions to be paid properly. If you try and hire a babysitter and they go, do you know what, I'll do it for free, that's a red flag. LAUGHTER

So I totally support the strikers, and any time I see strikers, I honk, even though I don't drive. I just give my goose a squeeze under my arm. The strikers have an uneasy relationship with the goose, but they have started to appreciate the eggs. It's been interesting. But to be honest, I'm just kind of like, bring back the pandemic. I mean, at the Scottish Parliament, the Green Party and the Labour Party

declared that they wouldn't cross the picket line out of solidarity with the strikes, so they would take the day off from parliamentary business, which is obviously the best argument for a general strike any of us have heard in a long, long time. Have you had a favourite strike? I'm excited about the strikes. I think it's a great thing. I grew up on Billy Elliot and the Full Monty, so I know that the only way to ensure

our next generation of great dancers is... ..industrial action. That's one... About the only thing we've not heard from the Conservative Government saying, well, we are boosting the British film industry. But, um, on which subject? Can any of you complete the third line in this famous thrash metal

lyric? Monday's child is fair of face, Tuesday's child is full of grace, Wednesday's child is... Is it Wednesday's child is not going to school this week? That's correct. Yeah. That's from the influential death-thrash new metalcore nursery rhymester's Bedtime of the Permadead.

And that's all. And another lyric for you to complete. I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just... to find a Greggs. The answer is just to get anywhere, because all the trains are off. And from a Scottish point of view, as well as pretty much everyone, who in Scotland specifically are facing unprecedented financial pressures?

I think the not altogether hysterically amusing answer is local authorities. That's correct, yes. The abolition of local government is obviously a priority for central government, and that's true across the United Kingdom, I think, but especially so in Scotland. They're trying to stop us from protesting, though. That's a thing that's happening, because I know that the House of Commons, we want to put cartels on who can protest and make sure that you can get arrested and stuff, and they're pretending it's to do with the mad wee oil lassies and boys who are throwing like wham bars at paintings. I don't

know but it's like oh Tarquin might glue his head to your dad's car. Let's get a law in place to stop that. And they're saying that's what it's about but it's not really. It's like going to stop us all from protesting and you know there's one thing we Scottish people love. It's to just have a bit of

protest. It's a fun thing. it's a day out, it's a fun free night for the wains, anyhow It's basically the reformation Yeah A notoriously joyous time in Scottish history The lords are the ones who are pushing back upon

it and they're like, for some reason the lords are like,, we're not buying this. And I was reading about it, right, and they called it government ping pong. And that's what they called it, being pushed back and forth. And now that's all I want to see. All I can think of. Get three of your best table tennisers from the Lords,

three of your best for the Tories, pitch them against each other in the middle of that big shouty hall and see what happens. Who would you have though? Ooh, I think Michelle Moan might be good at whacking a ball. It's not a great sign for your bill though if the

lords think it's a bit much. So, you know, they want to get protest to an extent where you can protest so long as it doesn't work. You can glue yourself to stuff if it's just with pit stick. It's difficult in Glasgow anyway to tell when people are protesting who's glued themselves to the road

and who was just sniffing glue and fell over. It's going to be a disaster. If they close libraries, that's a disaster. Because that's where a lot of people go to get their information. Everything is online. If you're applying for stuff, if you've got benefits queries, people go to libraries. That's one of the few places that people who aren't able to otherwise

can get online. That's also one of the few places that people who need to can get warm. You know, so this is a disaster. Things are so bad now, I can't even heat my basement. Let me tell you, there is nothing sadder in life than a shivering gimp. I think that's the Austrian School of Economics.

Yes, there was mass strike action on Wednesday which caused significant disruption across the entire UK, or, as it is now known, a barely discernible ripple in 2020's normality. If anything, a day when stuff is working now causes more disruption, because everyone has made plans assuming that nothing will work. Talks between teaching unions and the government failed to bear fruit,

so it was back to the drawing board, which was awkward, as the art teacher had turned the drawing board into a placard, and the spare drawing boards were locked in a cupboard, and the janitor who had the keys was also on strike. Even librarians have joined the walkouts, describing a fairer pay deal as long overdue, and... LAUGHTER

..which the government seemed to interpret as fine. LAUGHTER An extremely rare example of librarians making their voices heard. which the government seemed to interpret as fine. In an extremely rare example of librarians making their voices heard. At the end of that round, the scores are Scotland 4, England 0. Yes! Alex, you can take this next question. Rishi Sunak was warned before he appointed Dominic Raab as Deputy Prime Minister that Raab had been accused of what? Impersonating a foreign secretary.

Any other guesses? Sleeping in a coffin. I think this is the beleaguered Deputy Prime Minister, isn't it? The Cabinet as a whole is sort of hunkered down in a stockade, surrounded by their enemies. It's a bit like sort of Raab's drift. Bullying is the answer, and so on, that there are now a couple of dozen accusations of bullying against Mr Raab. And so it seems only a matter of time before these come to some kind of conclusion, and that conclusion is inevitably going to be the departure of Mr Raab from his current position.

It's taken a long time, this. But I guess it's hard to hurry along an inquiry into bullying. Come on, hurry up! But he looks like a highly strung guy. He always has that kind of forehead vein. Does any time I see his forehead vein, I always hear the theme tune, EastEnders? Leave it out, Dominic.

I've been quite reassured by Rishi's actions this week regarding discipline and appointments, because it's a comfort to know that the process to appoint a cabinet minister is every bit as rigorous and fastidious as it is for the Met police to appoint an officer. I like that

thing the Met have where they go, we were totally shocked by what we found out about our colleague who we had nicknamed Dave the Serial Rapist. Dominic Raab, he looks like he can't show any love to his children but sobs uncontrollably at every episode of The Repair Shop. That's literally my dad.

Rishi Sudhak this week celebrated becoming the first Prime Minister for quite a while to reach the 100 days in office mark. An act of heroic endurance. After telling former Cabinet Minister Nadeem Zahawi to hand in his non-existent portfolio last weekend, Sunak has come under fire for appointing Dominic Rabe as his Deputy, Justice Secretary and Lord Chancellor, despite not only being warned about numerous allegations

of bullying against him, but also being advised to remember that time that Raab was surprised by Dover being a port. At the end of that round, the scores are now Scotland 6, England 0. Now, everyone's favourite topic, economics. According to the IMF, the UK is set to be world leader amongst major economies this year in what prestigious category? Leveling down. Well, negative growth.

That's the point to England, essentially. So they're predicting that the UK economy will shrink more than any other major, even worse than Russia, which is not ideal at the moment, is it? I mean, be more Putin is not a word you want to hear, are you? Well, they have the advantage of a war economy. Right. And probably it's boosting their poetry industry as well.

You're suggesting we should invade Jersey. It wouldn't be my first choice, but why not? Spain? War with Spain has historically been popular. And profitable. A lot of our most violent people are already there. Is that not because they're trying to avoid taking short-haul flights? Or are criminals just not more environmentally aware than they used to be?

Britain's done for, isn't it? Over. Basically, if this country was your pet dog, round about now, you'd be telling your kids that the operation it needs costs exactly the same as a PlayStation 5. It's over. Let's accept it. You know, I'm kind of actually looking

forward to getting to be part of a militia. No, I too am looking forward to the fashions of our Mad Matina. I think that's going to be very exciting. I'm going to shave half my head and nobody can stop me. Do you know how you get the name of your future militia?

You take the area that you currently live in and you add the word Death Squad. The IMF, as well as these rather negative predictions, said that it thinks the UK is on the right track. And if we are on the right track, surely being on the right track isn't such a good thing if you are tied to that track and there's a train clattering towards you at high speed. It's like that line, isn't it?

We've had enough of experts, and I think the IMF are demonstrating it if they're suggesting the United Kingdom is currently on the right track. Because on the whole, things seem quite suboptimal at present. The IMF has said that Britain's economy is set for negative growth in 2023, or to put it in a more optimistic light, positive shrinkage. The economic predictions have been flying around all over the place. The Bank of England predicted that whilst the UK is predicted to enter a recession this year, it is now predicted to be shorter than had previously been predicted by earlier predictions.

The future is sounding sensational. The elephant noisily shoving our cash into its mouth in the room remains dead. The supergiant radioactive flesh-eating albatross around the anemic, calcium-deficient neck of this country's future, if you can indeed be an elephant and an albatross at the same time. That has tipped the scales at £2.5 trillion currently, which sounds a lot, £2.5 trillion, but it can be paid back for as little as £50 a month for just four billion years.

It's now Scotland 14, England 1. Continuing on the economic theme, the Treasury has decided that what cannot be trusted any more? The Cabinet. It could well be that's not what I've got written down here. It's a good guess, though. Is it cryptocurrency? Yes, actually, it is, correct. It's the internet coinage.

It's a weird old situation, and it's very frightening, and I'm scared of the men on the internet who want to sell it because they all have very odd tans, rolled-up blazers. They look like Miami Vice, and they're like, do you want to buy some crypto? I've got a car and a jet, and I'm petrified of them. They do not meet. If it was a homely lady with maybe some

knitting offering me crypto on TikTok, I'd probably be like thigh deep in it. I would be in it, but I'm terrified of crypto. Are you a crypto dude? No, I don't understand it. I sincerely hope I die that way. I would consider a life well lived

if I die in continued ignorance of how cryptocurrencies work. I mean, essentially, cryptocurrency is basically made-up pseudo-money that is even more tenuously anchored to reality than normal money, which itself is essentially homeopathic. This is why it's the SNP's latest proposals for the currency to be used in an independent Scotland. Right.

For all the reasons you've just outlined. I think crypto really does prey on people, though. It's a shame because you have these big famous people and essentially what happens is your big famous reality or YouTube stars will go, oh, I've just found this new crazy crypto, it's called Zibbitydoo, and then he'll own all of it

and young people will buy it thinking, oh, I can make money off this, this is an investment, but's called Zibbity-Doo. And then he'll own all of it, and young people will buy it, thinking, oh, I can make money off this, this is an investment, but they're just buying it off of him. And then he pulls the rug out from under them, and then the whole thing collapses, and people are left with, like, hundreds of thousands of pounds thrown down a hole. It's a horrible thing, so I think it does need to be regulated,

but not by they folk. I don't think a government that's had a chancellor whose wife had a non-dom status and a chancellor who then subsequently tried to avoid paying tax should be preaching to anyone about money and financial regularities. Just a weird thought that I've got. I don't know. Andrew Tate, was he a crypto guy?

He was a wee bit crypto AI. Amongst other things. I didn't really take to him. No. Yes, the Treasury has revealed proposals to regulate cryptocurrency following widespread calls for action after the spectacular collapse of one of the world's largest trading exchanges. A number of cryptocurrencies have come under scrutiny recently

as their popularity has spread. Cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Ethereum, Ephemero, Plutocraft, Swizzcoin, Frodo, Pretendograms, Bragging Rights and the Lawn Sausage could all be regulated. At the end of our crypto round, it's now 15 to Scotland and 1 to England. Yay! Tough way for England.

I do worry, Andy, that you haven't quite grasped the rugby scoring system. Well, I'll call it 15-3, then. All right. Now, to finish off, we'll do a quick fire round to get through some of the other stories from the week. Fingers on the non-existent buzzers. The answer is stick it

back together with glue. What should not have been the question? My mum and dad's relationship. That's close. Not what I've got written down here. Any other suggestions? Is it a submarine? Yes. They've tried to fix a submarine with super glue. Yes.

And I don't have any issue with that because my grandad held his whole house together with scotch tape. Other tapes are available. And it was fine. We called it a MacGyver job where he would just have like his toaster was taped to his microwave and it worked fine. We called it a MacGyver job where he would just have, like, his toaster was taped to his microwave and it worked fine

because he would like a cheese toasty. So he would put his toaster on the side and then put cheese on top of the bread and then it would fire out at him. And that kept him spry. So to clarify, my final answer is submarine. That is correct. Yeah, so the answer is stick it back together with glue.

The question should not have been, how do you repair a nuclear submarine? I mean, did this concern any of you, that nuclear submarines are just being patched up with...? Isn't that what glue's for? Yeah, that's what glue's for. It's not like they're being paired with marmalade or something. Glue? Fine. Next. Yes, that friendly fine line between top-level engineering and Blue Peter presenter blurred once again this week.

The Royal Navy ordered an investigation into why one of the UK's nuclear submarines was stuck back together with glue. HMS Vanguard, the submarine in question, was suffering from a hurty reactor chamber due to some broken bolts. And contrary to advised procedure, when dealing with things that could cause a nuclear explosion, the repairs were done by sticking it together with copy decks,

a couple of bits of chewing gum and a smear of peanut butter to cover the joins. But it does raise exciting new prospects for Royal Navy recruitment adverts. If you can pritch-stick a what's-it to a cream cracker, then you can fix a nuclear submarine. Explore

what it means to be a Royal Navy engineer. Next up, the answer is lose it somewhere. What should not have been the question for this one? Submarine. Also, regarding radioactive material. Everybody's going Australia,

it's Australia. Is it Australia? It is, yes. It's a wee radioactive pellet, isn't it? Rio Tinto lost a radioactive pellet somewhere,'t it? Yes. Rio Tinto lost a radioactive pellet somewhere, but it was mad radioactive. And it was in the middle of nowhere,

and they eventually tracked it down before it created Australia's first superhero. I thought I saw a superhero when I was a wee boy in Glasgow, but it was just a depressed clown throwing himself off a tower block. boy in Glasgow, but it was just a depressed clown throwing himself off a tower block. I remember that. Have any of you ever lost any capsules of radioactive material?

Not that I can remember. No? Okay, well that's good. Not that I'm going to admit to. Australian emergency services have reported recovering a missing capsule of cesium-137. No cesium-137 found in? I've misread the vibe of the room. The lethal substance was lost while being transported

870 miles across Western Australia. Why, you may well ask, is a small capsule of radioactive cesium being transported 870 miles across Western Australia? Well, if you've been to Western Australia, you'll know there's not much else to do there. So why not spice things up by transporting a capsule the size of a pea containing radioactive material? It's something to do, isn't it? It's a good anecdote for when you lose it. How did it get lost? Well, stuff is always falling out of lorries, isn't it?

And the capsule was also wrongly labelled with the Australian No Worries sticker rather than the Some Worries sticker that it should have been under Australian health and safety labelling regulations. Our next question is, what famously dead things could soon be brought back to life? Oh, is it the dodo thing? Yes, correct. Some scientists said, oh, I'm going to bring back a dodo

just in time for bird flu. You wake up the first dodo and you go, welcome back, good news and bad news. But then I read the story and it's not a real dodo, they're just going to mess with the genes of a pigeon. And obviously it's easy to get funding if you go, do you want to see a dodo rather than do you want to see a really messed up pigeon? So I can just go to the bus station and see that.

Can we just stop messing about with the genes of animals, please? Just stop. Stop it. If it's animals, please just stop. Stop it. If it's dead, it's dead. Also, it means we'll have to change that phrase, which is a good phrase, as dead as a dodo. And now it'll be as alive as a screaming chimera in a laboratory cage begging for death. It's just not as catchy, is it?

Things can get out of hand very easily, though. I mean, you know, you start off with something innocent like the dodo and you end up with the Liberal Democrats. Is this the right animal to be bringing back? It seems to me that the dodo really earned its extinction. It was absolutely useless. It was a flightless bird that didn't taste very nice and still managed to get hunted to extinction.

They say that, right? They go, historians know it didn't taste very nice. But how do we know it didn't taste very nice? Bring one back to life, dip it in some buttermilk, a wee bit of flour, some five spice, chuck it in a fryer, I bet you it's delicious. Next up, what is coming back to Loch Lomond,

having died out there hundreds of years ago? It's beavers. Correct. I'm so excited about this, guys. Nature's engineers are coming back to do the good. That lady is nodding because she knows that the beavers are back and it's a great thing that's happening. The beavers are back and it's a great thing that's happening. The beavers are back

but they have made this promise. This was like 2008. They started talking about reintroducing beavers into our ecosystem because they do a great job of like, you know, looking after the wildlife and the animals afar than wood and all that jazz and it's great. But nobody's really got on board with it and do you know who it is who's done it? The RSPB.

It's the bird people who are getting the beavers, which means, it doesn't mean anything, but what I would like to do, because it makes more sense, is you know how when your mum and dad sit you down to tell you where babies come from and it's called the birds and the bees? Call it the birds and the beavers. Have been for years, pal.

Have been for years. Do you want to know another fun fact about beavers? All the time. Every day. It's where vanilla essence comes from. I promise you I'm not making it up and I read it in a real thing, not the internet. That's where fake vanilla essence comes from. It's the wee glands in a beaver's bum.

I'd say that's very fake vanilla. The Loch Lomond beaver sounds like the world's grimmest strip bar. And finally, people are very unhappy about the advertising for the Women's World Cup later this year in Australia and New Zealand. Why is that? This is because Saudi Arabia have decided to be one of the main sponsors. Now, here's the thing. As a lesbian, I'm not speaking from experience here because I've never visited Saudi Arabia.

Yeah, it's completely wrong. And it's good to see that the women's game is now just becoming as corrupt as the men's. I take my kid to all the Scottish women's games. My son is a wonderful human being. He has a uniquely penetrating voice.

So we go to the Scotland women's games at Hampden, but the first time I took him, he was quite wee. And I had a look around. If you've ever been to a women's game, they've always got their hair up, so I kind of scrunched up in some fashion. And I had a look around and went, there's a lot of tight buns out there!

It's Visit Saudi set to be one of the sponsors of this year's Women's Football World Cup to be held in Australia and New Zealand in July and August. There's been consternation expressed about FIFA accepting Visit Saudi as a sponsor, given the kingdom's not entirely blemish-free record on women's rights. Saudi Arabia have invested billions in sports recently.

This includes hosting Formula One, the takeover of Newcastle United, trying to purchase the concept of golf, hosting the World Speed Misogyny Championships in March, and applying to have assassinating dissident journalists included as a demonstration sport at the Paris Olympics next year. And that brings us to the end of our Calcutta Cup

special news quiz, and the final score, Scotland 20, England 3. Don't forget to tune in this weekend to watch all BBC platforms for our new fundraising special, Prime Ministers in Need. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye! APPLAUSE were Susie McCabe, Ashley Storey, Alex Massey and Frankie Boyle. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman,

and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Matt Davis, Stuart Mitchell, Carl Carzana and Jade Gebbie. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production. Are you confused about why your mortgage rate is going up? Unsure of what causes inflation or befuddled over what GDP stands for? I've got the perfect podcast for you. I'm Tim Harford, and in my new Radio 4 podcast,

Understand the Economy, I'm taking you back to basics. I'm going to explain all the complex financial terms you're hearing in the news as clearly as I can. Inflation, interest rates, growth, bonds, banks, I'll explain it all. Search for Understand the Economy, available now on BBC Sounds.