Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 5th February 2021

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

A satirical review of the week's news with Andy Zaltzman and guests Mark Steel, Helen Lewis, Athena Kugblenu and Chris McCausland.Andy and the panel reflect on a week when the UK blasted through the 10 million vaccine barrier and the world discovered the greatest Zoom meeting guests of all time.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard and Laura Lexx.Producer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Oh, science, mighty ruler of all things, saviour of this troubled world, I, Andy Zaltzman, sharer of the initials of AstraZeneca, entreat you to bless this edition of the News Quiz with at least 70% effectiveness. Do we have a deal? That'll do. Welcome to the News Quiz. Hello, everyone. I am Andy Zaltzman. Do not believe the scare stories from Europe. This show is safe to listen to if you are over 65 years old.

Almost certainly. Just to be on the safe side, listen to it again in a few months' time. Today we have two teams contesting for the News Quiz title. We have Team Lancet and Team Chancet. On Team Lancet we have Helen Lewis and Chris McCausland. And against them on Team Chancet, Athena Koblenu and Mark Steele. And question one, we'll start with Team Lancet, Helen and Chris. What smashed through the ten million barrier this week?

The number of cream eggs that I've eaten in lockdown. I'll give you a point for that. I have been checking your bins. That is fully verified. Is it the number of times Nicola Sturgeon has said the word independence during this global pandemic? I think that's only at 9.8 million, Chris, so I can't give you a point for that. I'm going to have to throw it over to Team Chance It.

Any suggestions? What's passed through the 10 million barrier this week? Oh, is it the number of puppies people have returned during lockdown free? That might be the most depressing joke of the series, I think. That's just the wrong start. It's close. Mark, any suggestions? Well, I suppose it's very strange

if you've been watching this government all along because you think they're bound to get this wrong. Every single thing, they're going to tip the vaccine in a puddle. Oh, Johnson, come on, we are sorry, we mixed it up with Ribena. LAUGHTER But, no, it sort of seems to be working somehow. But then when he said the other day, we've done all we possibly could, how do you think, well day, we've done all we possibly could,

how do you think, well, you haven't done all you possibly could because we've got the worst rate in the world, so you haven't. But he just excuses it with, Australia has had the same number of deaths altogether that we have in one day, but that's because the virus is scared of sharks. LAUGHTER because the virus is scared of sharks.

And didgeridoos. So, yes, so it seems to be working. Of course, the NHS, it's the NHS that has delivered this. The first thing, the first, all the other things that they've gone, I know, absolutely perfect for doing a track and trace system, a company that's never made track and trace systems, that makes hosepipes and paperclips and is registered in Monaco and is owned by Jacob Rees-Mogg's personal jousting coach.

That's what it's been up to now. Suddenly the NHS has got hold of this and it seems to be working. It's a good job, really, isn't it? I think if it wasn't working, the next plan on the list was to have us all individually laminated and attached to our own front doors

with some kind of industrial-length lanyards which allow us to operate in a radius that allows us to get to our own front doors with some kind of industrial-length lanyards, which allow us to operate in a radius that allows us to get to our local supermarket and back, and that's... Who's been leaking that from Downing Street? That was supposed to be hush-hush. Of course, it might not be working, because if you believe the conspiracy theory people...

And I didn't believe them, but then... Because a lot of people were saying, oh, it's Bill Gates, they're putting chips in people. But my mum got done, and that afternoon, she did go door to door trying to sell Microsoft family packages for £69.99. It's really hard to be grateful about this, isn't it? It's sort of like someone wanting to take credit

for the fire brigade being really successful when they spent the past three hours pouring petrol on their house. Quick follow-up question now. What is past its peak? Well, the wave. Correct. It's the wave, isn't it, Andy? It's all about the wave.

Yes. That's the queen. It's a wave, isn't it, Andy? It's all about the wave. Yes. That's the Queen. I don't know what wave she's on. She's, I think, beyond the second wave, certainly.

Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty announced that the country has passed the peak of the current wave of the pandemic. It brings back all those happy memories of last April when we were past the peak of the first wave of COVID. Flared trousers, these things always come back. And also, another question, what, however, is still alarmingly high? Is it Boris Johnson's self-esteem? Yeah, that is very much his to keep. Yep, you can have a point for that as well.

They're still ahead, aren't they? This pandemic's gone on a year. They've done every single thing wrong. And you know that in a year's time, if there were seven people left alive, they'd still be 40% ahead in the poll. So, Mark, do you think in this context that the Labour Party's leaked strategy document this week

suggesting that they use the Union Jack and dressing smartly to rebuild support is going to turn that tide? Yeah, that's what... That is what we'll do. They've tried that. They might as well try just going full-on Corbyn. Corbyn didn't go far enough.

They should just have turned up to the cenotaph just in a pair of shorts with all mustard down it. It is funny, though, isn't it? You sort of set your watch by it. You know, it's a bit like Christmas coming earlier every year. The Labour Party's decision that it needs to do patriotism and dressing smartly comes earlier in the election cycle every single time.

It's kind of reassuring. I suppose their manifesto would just be the national anthem and stuff like that next. We're going to have two union jacks on every bit of Labour Party headed notepaper, not like the traitorous Conservative Party, but just one. I don't know what patriotism looks like. I think they're just going to give free gravy to everyone

because that's British isn't it how is that a bad policy that's an excellent policy do you remember when someone hacked the Labour Party Twitter account in the last parliament and offered everyone a free owl it was genuinely their best policy for some time oh wouldn't that be brilliant

if it got by law? They would have to... Oh, who's that? Who are you, sir? We're not going to put this... Oh, can you take it for next door's out? Can you take their out? Certainly a policy that turned heads, that one. LAUGHTER

Ooh. Too soon? So... What is still alarmingly high is the infection rate. You could also have had Rishi Sunak's eyebrows when he looked at the latest economic forecasts. The price of creating a robot Home Secretary, which you thought should be pretty simple, and the price of a Fabergé chicken, still off the scale.

It's been something of a triumph for Health Secretary Matt Hancock for the UK to have got this head start on the vaccine programme, but can you tell me what inspired Matt Hancock's vaccine strategy? Oh, I know this one. Yes? Go on, Helen. It is the 2011 film Contagion, which he watched. That is not a lie.

Let me emphasise, that is not a lie. We are making policy based on Hollywood blockbusters. However, he did note that it was not his, quote, primary source of advice. That, instead, was another great 2011 film, Cowboys and Aliens. This is quite extraordinary, isn't it? It's the film Contagion. He took inspiration from that.

It's the 2011 Hollywood pandemic blockbuster starring Kate Winslet and Matt Damon. Of course it's starring Matt Damon. It's a film. 75% of all films this millennium star Matt Damon. That is a fact. And the film showed the importance of securing enough vaccine. I mean, he could have read the official report into exercise sickness

from 2016 on Britain's preparedness for a pandemic. But hey, who's got time to read? Oh my God. Yeah, there's a reason Matt Damon sells more tickets than Chilcot. I think we should just be grateful that it was a film at least about a global pandemic that inspired him. I can just imagine him sitting down and watching something like Back to the Future and then coming out and going,

listen, guys, I've got a plan, but it does involve building a time machine. I think there are also suggestions that Boris Johnson may have watched Gladiator sometime last February and been deeply influenced by the line, on my signal, unleash hell. deeply influenced by the line, on my signal, unleash hell.

Yes, so this is the exciting news that Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced this week that the number of vaccines jabbed into United Kingdomian arms flew past the 10 million squirtages milestone. Coincidentally, 10 million is also the current government-recommended number of minutes of screen time you should let your children have in the average lockdown week. So we have five points to

Team Lancet and four points to Team Chanceit and this goes to Team Lancet, Helen and Chris. Which famous multinational European economic and political organisation is facing criticism over its vaccine rollout this week? It's probably going to be the EU,

which is trying to make us all feel a lot better about Brexit by being useless. It's very kind of it. Very kind of it. Public spirited. So it got its order in for vaccines late, and then AstraZeneca couldn't produce as many as it thought it could because they'd mithered around for signing the contract for so long. So it said, well, Britain seems to have loads of vaccines. Why don't we have any vaccines? And threatened

to invoke the Northern Ireland Protocol, part of the trade deal we signed with the EU, to say, well, why don't we put controls on the border? After having spent four years saying the one thing we must never do in a Brexit deal is have any kind of border checks in Ireland. It went, but now we look quite bad, so maybe we should. But now we look quite bad, so maybe we should. Graffiti. I mean, there's a kind of danger of vaccine nationalism that people have talked about. It's been warned by the International Chamber of Commerce,

claimed recently that the failure to ensure vaccine access for developing countries could cost the entire world economy $9 trillion. But, Mark, would you say that is a price worth paying for beating Germany at something for once? Yes, I think actually that's one of the proposals to be in the next Labour manifesto with its new patriotic term. Yes, it was really, really impressive of Macron and Merkel

to be just as petulant as the British have been, and they're very good at it. I love the thing that he went, oh, it doesn't work, Macron, like a little toddler. I want it, it doesn't work. There is increasing anger across the EU at its bumbling vaccine rollout, particularly when they compare to how things are going here in the UK.

And you can understand why they're so annoyed, because they've been hustled big time. I mean, Britain has been like the useless guy at the pub pool table who looks like he's never potted a ball, but turns out to be six-time world snooker champion Ray Reardon in disguise. We've absolutely done it. We've very cleverly looked deeply, catastrophically incompetent every step of the way, disorganised, short-sighted, arrogant, confused,

and then whammo, we're waltzing off with a motherload of vaccine before they can even say, what was it we agreed about Northern Ireland again? We have played them like the kippers we can no longer sell them. I think it's great. I think finally, like whenever I go to Europe, you know, they always have better bread than us. And I think finally we've got something.

You know, when you go to France, you eat the bread. This is delicious. This is why you buy it every day. They've got better ice cream than us. They don't eat Viennetta. They have ice cream that tastes like mangoes. Have you been to Italy? Right?

And what have we got? Fish fingers and gravy and all sorts so i just think let us have this okay you have a better quality of life on a day-to-day but we've got a vaccine okay let us have this please i mean it seems like what you're suggesting is essentially vaccinating the entire country with gravy uh in the ultimate act of Britishness. I think that sounds delicious. No, that's a terrible idea. You'll never be able to eat gravy again. You'd have an immune reaction to gravy.

We haven't got the best one now, though, have we? Russia have got the best one now, haven't they? Yes. All the figures would suggest. Theirs is called Sputnik, which makes you wonder how big the needle is, doesn't it? If it's got a dog inside it. I think they may have massively misinterpreted

the idea of the need for a booster. Right, the current scores are Team Lancet have seven, Team Chancet have five, and since we're talking about the international scene, tell me, which of the following is the odd one out? Kent, South Africa, Brazil and Papua New Guinea. Well, Kent, Papua New Guinea and South Africa have all provided international cricketers.

Correct. Absolutely correct, Mark. I don't think there's a Brazil team, is there, that I'm aware of? No, there's only one test cricketer that's ever been born in Brazil. That was an Indian who played a couple of tests a long time ago. It's variations, isn't it, Andy? Variations. I have an idea of a Papi New Guinea variation,

so that'll be the odd one out. That's right, yeah. Unless this is a trick question. Well, it is COVID variants. Papi New Guinea is the only one not to have generated a COVID variant. You could also have had Brazil as the only place not to be in the birthplace of an england test you could also have had south africa which is the only one of the four to have incarcerated nelson mandela and you could also have had kent which is the only one to have hosted the

assassination of an archbishop of canterbury so all four were correct but yeah i mean let's focus on the variants chris i mean do you have a particular part of the world that you'd like to see another variant come from in future? Well, I mean, I'm from Liverpool, mate, and we've got our own there at the minute, I believe. There's a variant that started off in Liverpool, the Scouse variant, which I think we'll all agree will never be suppressed by a Tory government.

I like all these variants. It's a bit like, you know when Who Wants to Be a Mini Lair went around the world and you saw all these variants of Chris Tarrant? It's like that. It's like, oh, wow, this one's more contagious. Oh! Yes, this is the COVID variant. There's been surge testing carried out in several locations around the UK

where the South Africa variant of the virus has been found. The South Africa variant, I think, was allowed in because its grandmother was born in Britain. So it is eligible to play without having to qualify by residency. Before we move on from COVID issues, on the subject of COVID Zoom meetings, which Zoom guest can justifiably claim to be the greatest of all time? Is it me? That's not the answer I've got written down. I'm sorry, Peter.

Any suggestions? Which Zoom guest can claim to be the GOAT? It's the GOAT, isn't it? It is the GOAT, yes. The GOAT can claim to be the GOAT. Well done, Chris. These questions are easier when you give us the answer andy no there's a there's a farm i was reading about this there's a farm in this country that was um struggling with whatever they normally do and um because of

coronavirus and they've been renting out goats um for people to have as a member of their Zoom meeting, and it's £6 for five minutes or something like that. That's a lot for a goat. Listen, my concern is that I'm not saying that a website that rents out goats for five minutes at £6 a pop, you know, it can be an innocent thing, but what I want to know is... LAUGHTER pounds of pop, you know, it can be an innocent thing. But what I want to know is... LAUGHTER

What I want to know is, why are you clicking that link in the first place? What's your motive? LAUGHTER I've got a good goat fact. All right. They're not waterproof. Did you know that?

How did you find that out? Because I went to a farm where there was a goat and the person who knew about goats said they weren't waterproof. Right. And that's what I learned that day. So you have to keep them covered at night. They're not like other animals, like owls. But they don't dissolve.

I mean... LAUGHTER Could you imagine? It's the pile of... Doesn't matter. LAUGHTER Dissolved goat. Oh, the naive goat farmer on his first day. Oh, no!

Oh, no, they've all washed away, all the goats. Inform, educate and entertain. Oh, no, there's just the horns left. That's terrible. That's mad. I mean, she says it as a fact, but I don't... Apart from fish, are there any waterproof animals? Yes, this is the story of a Lancashire farm

that has raked in £50,000 from hawking its goats out to Zoom-called buddies to the Covidiously desperate. I mean, are we really happy to be living in a world where a video-conferencing goat earns more than a nurse? Is this what Cold War was all about? But it could be, I guess, an exciting development in the battle against online hate speech, because what is the best way to defeat internet trolls?

Internet ghosts. Ghosts without saying. It should have gone without saying. Now, that brings us to the halfway point, and the scores at Team Lancet have 12, and Team Chancet have 15. I don't know if you've listened to this show a lot, people, but the scores, I will admit,

are not quite as scientific as in some other contests. I can't even remember what team I'm on. We now move on to a special financial exploitation round. Now, which successful multi-billion pound industry has been told it cannot take the credit this week?

Oh, this would be the buy it now, pay it later people. Yeah. Correct. Yes. Well done. I don't understand it with these things. There was a thing that said that research suggests that buy now, pay later schemes might possibly encourage people to spend more than what they can

afford. Surely that's all they do. The only time you use them. Here's the thing. It is a good idea, but the problem is that we're using it for the wrong things. Why can't we have buy now, pay later for like parking fines? You know, then they might be up for it.

Why can't my council tax be buy now, pay later? Empty the bins. Yeah, I'm good for it. I'm good for it. Come back in a couple of years. Perfect. I think once again, you're writing a winning Labour Party manifesto, Athena. Yes, I am. Vote for me. Or you could have a pay now, buy later, in which you pay your parking fines up front and then can park wherever you want for the next year and a half.

I mean, that's kind of what they've adopted for university fees this year, isn't it? Is it pay now, learn later? The Woolard Review out this week announced that the Financial Conduct Authority is to regulate buy now, pay later schemes and has recommended numerous changes to the unsecured credit market, also known as the do you want this shiny thing? Look over there, it's a parakeet, only joking. I now own you industry.

You might think a little bit rich from a government that has spent zillions now and has obviously no intention of paying until much, much, much later, but as the great Renaissance economic philosopher Johannes Buonarroti Jovidicus, better known as John Bon Jovi, famously said, we'll live while we're alive and let our grandchildren's generation pay off our debts when we're dead.

We'll live while we're alive and let our grandchildren's generation pay off our debts when we're dead. Two points to Team Chance It. Moving on to our final round, Ridiculous Technology. And this is a question for Chris and Helen. It's a multiple-choice question. Which crazy billionaire tech wizard has been wiring up monkeys' brains to play computer games? Is it A, Elon Musk?

Any guesses, then? Any guesses? LAUGHTER It's, er... I'm going to go with Elon Musk, mate. Correct, yes, it is Elon Musk. Well done. Yes, obviously. Just a very Elon Musk thing to do, isn't it? He's the guy that, you know, blasted his Tesla off into outer space

because he could and it now orbits the sun somewhere between Earth and Mars. He sold flamethrowers just to prove that you could charge over the odds for something if you made them in limited quantities and he made £10 million from selling flamethrowers and when he had problems importing them into various countries, he changed the name to Not a Flamethrower. But now he's on monkeys, and monkeys playing computer games with their mind.

But you know what? Instead of getting monkeys to play video games, what you do is you get friends, and you just play with your friends. You say Elon Musk doesn't have friends who play computer games, so he's having to adapt monkeys? I would say that's the only reason to make him a monkey play video game. What if he'd spent millions on doing it with goats, and he put the chip in?

Now, do any of you want a drink of water before you play Call of Duty? Oh, no! This is the story of Elon Musk, the patently fictitious tech billionaire who escaped from the plot of a James Bond movie in the 1990s and now lives in orbit in a great glass elevator. Elon Musk is so weird that you frequently forget that his name is Elon Musk

and that that is weird enough in itself. Do you know how weird you have to be to stop people noticing you're called Elon Musk? That is weird enough in itself. Do you know how weird you have to be to stop people noticing you're called Elon Musk? That is very weird. And finally, on ridiculous technology, the question is, this can go to both teams. I am a renowned vegetable, source of timeless conflict between parents and children, and I have now been taught how to send emails. What S am I? Spring onion. Incorrect Mark,

not spring onion. Spinach. Spinach, correct. Helen, that is the correct answer. Spinach has been taught to send emails this week. Lockdown has been hard for all of us and we've all had to find hobbies and um i'm in grade three piano now some people are teaching spinach to email for clear play it was one of those stories that was slightly overbuilt in the headline wasn't it i went and read it and it found out that what spinach does is sucks up problems in the soil through its groundwater which then causes it to grow nanotubes a bit, but not really that cool. And then they can detect that using some sort of light.

It wasn't that spinach has grown fingers and is now being able to text people. Helen, do not spoil the story. The headline is, spinach can send emails. Oh, no. Yes, it can. It goes, sending emails to broccoli. OMG! I'm going to be chopped up and cooked with some garlic tonight. There's too many emails. Why do you get, you sort

of buy a Kit Kat and the next day you get an email saying, would you like to review it? I'll tell you what, though, you know, a spinach that sends emails is a lot more efficient than the old days when you had to put your letters in the post. But is this going to work, Chris? I mean, someone's going to say that, yeah, these spinach emails, they're emails, Helen, you sceptic.

Spinach emails could help warn us about climate change. But, I mean, we are a species that have shown ourselves capable of ignoring thousands of peer-reviewed scientific papers, the fact that much of the world is regularly on fire and some increasingly stroppy polar bears. Do we really think we're going to suddenly pay attention to an email from a side dish? No, no, don't call spinach side dish.

OK, actually, you can make a very nice main meal with spinach. Right. Spinach stew. Right. That's it, that's all you can make, spinach. Finally, finally, Radio 4 has gone back on itself and the news quiz has become gardener's question time. Yes, this is the story of scientists

at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who've engineered spinach plants to send emails. Sort of. This is using nanotechnology, not to be confused with nanotechnology, which is mostly hearing aids. Spinach and other vegetables are indeed now capable of sending emails

and it's very important you try to receive five a day. Right. I can feel the section wilting. Right. That brings us to the end of the show. The final scores. Team Lancet have 14. Team Chancet have

18. Team Lancet have 14. Team Chancet have 18. Congratulations to Team Chancet. Athena, Koblenu and Mark Steele. Helen Lewis and Chris McCausland stained by defeat. Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. Don't forget, if you're having trouble sleeping, you can now download the full mix of all the non-fatal tractor accidents from the

Archer's 70 year history on BBC Sound. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Helen Lewis, Athena Kublenu, Mark Steele and Chris McCausland. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman,

and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Sheppard and Laura Lex. The producer was Richard Morris, and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.