Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 5th May

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

Topical comedy quiz show, where Andy Zaltzman & a crack panel dive into this week's news.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before we start the show, I'm just going to invite our live studio audience to swear allegiance to me as host of the News Quiz and to all my descendants. It's fine. It's voluntary. I'm in charge. And to prove it, I'll put on my special hat. There we go. It is that simple. Welcome to the News Quiz.

Hello. I am Andy Zaltzman. And before we start this week's show, there's some news just reaching us that a second claimant to the throne has emerged just hours before the scheduled start of this weekend's coronation. So it will have to be settled by a joust at dawn in the Isle of Westminster Abbey between King Charles and Mrs Truss. Never let go of your dreams. Our teams this week, we have Team Pomp and Circumstance

against Team Stuff and Nonsense. On Pomp and Circumstance, we have Andy Parsons and, from the New Statesman, Rachel Cunliffe. On Team Stuff and Nonsense, we have Ria Lina, which I believe, translated from the Latin, means royal line. Really? No. I was going to say that's better than what it is backwards,

which is anal air. They're actually playing the anal air at the coronation on Saturday. Can we get this show back on track? Joining Ria, we have Andrew Maxwell... Oh, hang on. Are we allowed to say the words Andrew and Maxwell in the same sentence this week? It's a little bit embarrassing for the Royal Family.

It's Andrew Maxwell. Our first question this week, a nice easy one to get you started with. This can go to Rachel and Andy. Who is getting a new hat specially fitted this weekend? Is it to do with the coronation, Andy? It is. Two points. Well done. Excellent.

Thank you very much. There's a lot going on with the coronation. You know, I don't think they're saying 50% of people won't be tuning in. I don't think I'll be tuning in. I'm looking forward to maybe, if there are any highlights, catching them on the Crown's next series. That would be... But there are one or two little bits I am hoping to see.

Maybe Prince Louis and Prince George have been doing some very nice faces at royal occasions. So I'm hoping that maybe on the BBC Red Button service there'll be like a Prince Louis cam and we can see who he's sticking his tongue out at during the festival. I'm looking forward to the anointing, which is a traditional part of the coronation ceremony, although not with the traditional oil that was used for the last coronation,

which some people are a bit upset about because we like our traditions and this oil is going to be vegan, it's going to have olive oil instead. Not so sure about that. And then I looked up what is in the original oil it is amber grease amber grease whale vomit and a secretion massage from the anal glands of a civet so you can kind of see why they went for the organic vegan option this is the woke conspiracy taken over it's be interesting, because the last time a member of the royal family was rubbed with oil,

his mum had to pay £12 million. It's a very British event, isn't it? It's been very, very British. The Stone of Destiny under the coronation chair is Scottish. The diamond in the scepter is from Africa. The anointing oil is actually coming from Jerusalem. The king himself is German, so it's a very British ceremony. In that everything in it has been nicked from loads of other countries.

He's got two robes, hasn't he? They've taken all the stuff out of the Tower of London, so he's got two robes, the super tunica. He's got gloves. He's got this crown that goes on his head, various swords, various orbs. It's like the best dressing-up box in the world. I'm hoping that he overdoes it and he emerges from Westminster Abbey

with a little bit of tiger face paint on as well. The BBC News website was trying to explain that it's sort of like a royal wedding, but instead, with the coronation, the king is in fact marrying the state. I was like, oh, he's got form in that one. Does he secretly have a republic on the side the whole time? I was listening

to Five Live today with the build-up because there's lots of people already sleeping rough for the king. These are people who have houses in Farnborough. These are people who have houses in Farnborough. These are people who are leaving wealthy commuter towns

and the spa towns of the north of England to temporarily be homeless, literally pushing the homeless out of the streets of London so they can be temporarily homeless which I'm cool with, as long as those homeless people can temporarily live in their houses.

That makes sense to me. They say it's good for tourism, the monarchy, don't they? But who's to say what's going to happen in the long run to the monarchy, whether history will judge it as a massive misjudgment, having the most expensive coronation in history, in a cost-of crisis when three million people in Britain are regularly using food banks and there are protesters at the gates of Buckingham Palace and the palace response let them eat quiche. The French are very upset about this they have looked at our coronation quiche recipe and said, actually, technically, it's a savoury tart. It's not even a quiche.

I think that does beg the question, why isn't he paying for the coronation? I mean, he's estimated to be worth 1.8 billion. Apparently, he's happy to dish out 2 million of his own money to pay for a water treatment plant for a village in Romania. All right, that's come out recently. This is according to an article today. Actually, it's in your magazine, in the New Statesman. It is. Isn't it? That Charles likes to holiday in Transylvania and he's paid for this brand new, really eco-friendly water treatment for this village. Not that we have a problem with our waterways at all, do we? I mean, I'm not saying that it proves he wants to be a vampire because it's in Transylvania. He goes every year to Transylvania. He goes every year to Transylvania, and he is distantly related to Vlad the Impaler.

Is he? Yeah. Well, I'm not saying it proves he wants to be a vampire, but he did once want to be a tampon, so... Fair play to them. I say it brings the country together, it's great for tourism, everybody loves pomp and ceremony,

and he'll be a very fine king. And long live the king, that's what I say. Somebody had to! None of you conchy lefty bastards were. Look at you bemoaning the royal family. What would you have done in the blitz? You would have been down

there in the underground playing the piano. There was a lot of excitement as to who's going to get invited on Saturday. Liz Truss reported to have been invited, but they reckon the ceremony's going to last two hours, so they weren't sure whether she would last all the way through. So apparently her place has gone to a mixed-leaf salad instead.

And she's had a tough week, Liz Truss. You may have seen that she's been given a £12,000 bill for her stay at Chevening, the Grace and Favour residence. Apparently some dressing gowns and slippers went missing. So if there's a few things going missing from the coronation, I think we know where the finger's going to be pointed. A poll for ITN found that 85% of people do not plan to do what during the coronation?

Is that 85% do not plan to listen to the repeat of this show because they know that it's not on, but 15% don't know and will be tuning in surprised to find that the Archbishop of Canterbury is on the panel? It's a good answer, but incorrect. This is the oath, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, the oath that we have been either invited or required to swear allegiance to the new king,

which is... It's a lovely PR mishap, I think, because if you look at what the press release actually said, it was, we want to be inclusive, we want to invite everyone to, if they want to, to take part in the ceremony. This is the people's coronation. And it got printed as, Brits will be required to swear allegiance to undemocratic king. And you feel like they could have done with some PR help on that one, can't you?

It's Anglicans, you see. You know what I mean? So squishy. Nobody even knows what they... They don't even know what they mean. If 85% of people don't actually pledge allegiance to him, then he's only king of 15% of the population. So should we just move him down to Cornwall and go, that's your bit?

Nobody likes anything anymore. You can't even get two friends to watch the same box set anymore. 15% is still pretty good these days. What would you pledge allegiance to, Andrew? Guinness. I would definitely pledge... In fact, I have on many an occasion. Never let me down either.

That's the monarch of stout. Any other... What would you, Rachel, what would you, if you were forced to pledge allegiance to something, what would it be? I'm OK with the pledge of allegiance to the king happening as long as they address the national anthem question. And there was a story out this week that a third of Brits like me

think that we should replace the national anthem. It's outdated, it's pro-monarchy. And they said, OK, well, what would you like to replace it with? And lots of people said Land of Hope and Glory or Rule Britannia or Jerusalem. But 5% of people in this poll wanted Wonderwall by Oasis. I can get behind that. I think, genuinely think, you're right, they're all bloodthirsty and anachronistic. It should be the theme to minder. That would be good. A whole

stadium could be so good to you. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. All right, we're going to do a quick Know Your Royalty quiz for our panellists. Now, I'm going to read a quick know your royalty quiz for our panellists now. I'm going to read out some statements about the royal family and our panellists simply have to tell me if they are true or false.

So this can go to Andy and Rachel. King Charles irons his shoelaces. That's got to be false because he has about six different eggs, doesn't he? And he doesn't even put toothpaste on his own toothbrush. So the chance... You can afford someone to iron his shoelaces, surely, if you're king. I reckon so. Well, I've got it written down true here, but I don't

know if that means that he has them ironed for him in the way that, you know, you talk about monarchs in the past saying, you know, Elizabeth I defeated the Armada. Well, I don't believe that that was the question that you asked. Right. If you could rephr. Well, I don't believe that that was the question that you asked. Right. If you could rephrase it, I would like to give a different answer.

I'll give you half a point. For Andrew and Ria, you must never make eye contact with the monarch, but if you do, you have to maintain it, or you will trigger their fight or flight response. That's specifically for Andrew, isn't it, that question? They'll tear your gut out. They're dangerous.

They're like a Germanic emu. If they're cornered. I meant to say cassowary. I think it's true. You think it's true? You think it's true? I think it's probably true. See, I thought it was false. All right, well, let's go false then.

It is false. It is false. If you do make eye contact with a monarch, you are constitutionally obliged to gouge your own eyes out with a special sword. True or false, Andy and Rachel? Prince Edward does not exist. The royals just take it in turn in a Prince Edward costume to try and keep up.

I've never seen him. I think that that's false. That's what they want you to think. Yes, this is indeed the worst kept secret in the country. The former Queen's eldest son, Charles, has won the race to be crowned King Emeritus of all the Britons. And this Saturday is the big day for big-time Charlie. Of course, there are different views of the monarchy

these days. Some have criticised its coronation as expensive, ostentatious, outdated and over-the-top. Others have praised it as expensive, ostentatious, outdated and over-the-top. And say what you like about this country, but we can make an old man putting on a metal hat into something the whole world sits up and takes notice of. Charles, of course, is the UK's youngest monarch for over two

decades. During the service, people around the world, and indeed beyond, will be asked to, quote, cry out and swear. Sorry, just finding the next bit of the script. Allegiance to the king. So, anyway, at the end of our coronation round, the scores are Andy and Rachel have three and a half, Ria and Andrew have two. Let's move on. Now this question can go to Andrew and Ria.

It's a bit of a Sesame Street tie-in on this question. This week's episode of What? was brought to you by the letters I and D and Y. That Y was a question, not another letter, by the way. It's got to be the local elections. Correct, yes. Well, these are the first elections where you have to have photo ID in order to vote.

An apparently valid ID does include an old person's bus pass, but it doesn't include a young person's rail card, which is just one step down from saying, the only ID allowed is your Conservative Party membership badge. But Labour was a little upset by this policy because they said it disadvantages their voters who tend to be younger, often unemployed or don't have ID. But actually, I think the truth is that young people are more likely to carry ID on them

because they often get carded to get into venues like nightclubs. So why not just move the polling stations from schools to nightclubs? They're empty anyway during the day. And an old person is never going to be let in, especially if they showed the bounce of their bus pass. In terms of the voter ID, there's a solution to a problem that doesn't exist. Last election, only six people had an electorate of 40 million, whereas how many politicians have resigned since that election

out of a total of 650? We're expecting a higher degree of truth from the public than we are from our politicians. Rachel, politically, as Andy said, in fact, David Davis from the Conservatives himself described the plans as a liberal solution in pursuit of a non-existent problem. So what's the politics behind imposing this?

Well, impersonation is very, very rare. Don't take my word for that. That's Jacob Rees-Mogg. Actually, they did the pilot in 2019 with the voter ID trials, and they found that four times as many people were turned away and didn't come back with the ID in that one pilot than there had been allegations of voter fraud in the decade before that. So it's about protecting our democracy. Now, interestingly, you do get voter fraud in the decade before that. So it's about protecting our democracy.

Now, interestingly, you do get voter fraud instances with things like postal votes, but the voter ID laws don't apply to that. You also sort of get voter fraud instances with, for example, former prime ministers stuffing the House of Lords with their family and friends. Is that not slightly more of an issue for the democracy? No, that's tradition. Oh, okay. slightly more of an issue for the democracy? No, that's tradition. Oh, OK, sorry, my mistake. Well, I voted today, SAS, produce ID,

which I brought with me, but I thought it was an absolute impingement. I was outraged. I went off and voted four different places. Good for you. My favourite example of someone who forgot their photo ID to vote today, Anna Firth, Tory MP for Southend. On the subject of the elections,

the Conservatives have set their sights pretty high of a vaguely acceptable level of humiliation. But, Rachel, for Labour, it's quite a sort of key barometer of where they stand under Keir Starmer's leadership. Starmer was criticised this week for sacrificing his what's on the altar of what? It's principles on the altar

of actually having a chance of possibly maybe hopefully getting elected. That's essentially hitting the right direction. Specifically his pledges. There's various articles saying he's not just rode back on his pledges but fully Steve Redgraved them. How could you define a pledge? What is a political...?

It's like a vow or an oath, but it's totally unnecessary. Nobody expects a politician to tell the truth. Starmer's gone from ten pledges when he became Labour leader to five missions now, so you could argue that he's streamlined them, he's made them more efficient, although no-one, including in the New Statesman editorial newsroom, can remember what the five missions are.

We think they generally make the country a bit better, but we're not sure. I think it's turning Snickers back to Marathon. I believe that's one of them. Starburst back to Opal Fruit, that's two. And then the other three are just flimflam about social justice. I mean, that's not achievable, is it? The Conservatives have said that anything under 1,000 losses

won't be as bad as maybe some people have suggested it would be. And it's the first test for Rishi Sunak, isn't it? His first electoral test. And this was the man, of course, who Conservative members didn't think was quite as good as Liz Truss. Oh, he's lightweight, isn't he? That old Sunak. They have to put balsa wood in his shoes to hold him down.

Oh, there's nothing in there. He's amazing. You know what he is? He's like a little student. There's two totally different Sunaks. When he's briefed on something, you can see he's the little triad from Winchester. He's actually good. But if he's asked a question about anything else,

there's nobody in there. It's just lost out there in the wild. Yes, indeed, this is the local elections. They were local elections in parts of England, and Northern Ireland will follow in two weeks' time. This, of course, after Scotland and Wales were dramatically knocked out in the semi-finals last year. People went to their polling stations, ID in hand,

to elect their new local representatives, having carefully weighed up all the arguments and policies put to them during the campaign. Sorry, I misread that. People went to the polling stations to have a bit of a whinge about things in general, express their despair at the state of British democracy, and in the vain hope of someone eventually

filling in a pothole. For the first time, people were required to present ID at the polling station, rather than just pointing to a name on the list and saying, yeah, that's probably me. Right, well, that brings us to the end of the local elections round. The scores are

six to Rachel and Andy. Unfortunately Ria and Andrew did not bring any ID so they are down to zero. We are moving on now to food. People will be eating food on the day of the coronation. So here are some food questions. This can go to Ria and Andrew. Who is angry

about UK supermarkets new special offer of buy one get one but at a much higher price than before. Gosh, we haven't mentioned them in a long time on this show. I think you mean the Lib Dems. That's correct. Yeah, well done. Good memory. I remember them right before I had to pay for my university. Yeah, well, they just suddenly they've popped up. Like, we have an election, there's so many different issues, and this is the one that they've picked.

They say wholesale prices are dropping, but supermarket prices are still on the rise, and so they want it to investigate. I don't know if this was for the local elections, or they just sort of woke up and realised they needed to say something so people remembered they existed. People are addicted to eating. They love it.

There is greedflation, that's what they're calling it, and I believe sugar's up 40%, margarine up 25%, and actually for the last coronation, 1953, still rations, and you could get an extra bag of sugar and four ounces of margarine. I was thinking, well, if Charles wants to boost the image of the monarchy, do that again this time round, maybe throw in some eggs and some flour as well. We could all make coronation pancakes

and we wouldn't have to worry with tarragon, spinach or broad beans. There was a report out this week, wasn't there, saying that red meat was good for you in small amounts. Argentinians eat the most red meat was good for you in small amounts. Argentinians eat the most red meat in the world. People say it's very bad for your colon, makes you very impacted. But otherwise, how would we have tango?

What? Well, it was normal dancing, but they were backed up. Inform, educate and entertain. These are the weekly values upon which the BBC is founded. Only food rates have become a sort of huge political hot potato, ironically. How influential do you think it's going to be up until the general election? What, not starving? Yeah, people not starving. I mean, people generally like to not be starving in the run-up to elections.

But if they have starved, they can't vote against you so strategically is that are you suggesting the cost of living crisis is government policy it's controversial but no of course of course food is is controversial to go back to the coronation quiche. Nigel Farage said it was politically correct, ghastly nonsense, because it was vegetarian. My husband made coronation chicken this week, which is obviously the food of the last coronation, and I can't work out if that's patriotic or a little bit subversive. Right.

That's quite old chicken as well, if it's been saving it since 1953. It's raw chicken you need to be scared of, not old chicken. Or chlorinated chicken, which is one of the Brexit benefits. It's good. Finally you've got a chicken that can swim. You want to get that, Brussels bureaucrats? Holding Britain back, making chickens fly. It's not natural.

Yes, meat is apparently good for you. Again, we no longer need to have beef with beef. We can, in fact, have beef with... It gets very confusing linguistically. There are various meat-based diets that are becoming increasingly trendy. The sledgetarian diet in which you can eat meat but only whilst sledging it um like an australian

cricketer call yourself a steak i've seen more meat on a moth uh there's um there's the nocia diet uh which i've tried as a lap stew it's the same as kosher but ignoring all the rules and there's the har lol where you have to make sure the animal is laughing out loud at the moment of slaughter we are moving on now to the big topic affecting the world that we live in, artificial intelligence. We've got an AI bot here at the BBC. We've asked it to formulate a question about artificial intelligence to be read by a deepfake version of me.

I am Xaltor, destroyer of worlds. Obviously, the obliteration of human civilisation by a higher form of intelligent life is something to be embraced and enjoyed, and this week it came another step closer. One of Britain's leading computer scientists has quit the world of boffindom because he is a human weakling who is scared of what?

Girls. He's scared that his creation has come alive and not in a good way. That's why people are terrified. The robots. Everybody says, Andy, they're like, the robots are going to take our jobs. Are they?

Are they Radio 4? The robots are going to take our jobs. May I remind everybody in this room and listening in Radio Land that robots cannot spot a lamppost in nine pictures. This is how mad technology's gone. There's a smart app you can get on your phone for a smart toaster.

The idea is that you can lie in your bed and programme the toaster that you then go into the kitchen and the toast is done for you. But they've not thought it through, have they? Because you've still got to get out of bed, because they've yet to invent smart bread that jumps out the back of the toilet.

I think it all went downhill with the tea's made. That's when we started getting notions of grandeur. And the breakfast made never really took off. That's why you had to put a live pig and a chicken in the night before and take it to a bacon sandwich. That's right. My smart watch is live pig and a chicken in the night before and wake up to a bacon sandwich. That's right. My smart watch is useless. Got a smart watch, one of the things it's supposed to do,

it's supposed to be able to tell you how long you've been asleep for, right? And I don't normally use it, but occasionally my five-year-old's been up all night, and I think I'll just tease myself, how little did I actually sleep last night? Usually my watch says eight hours tick. It appears my watch has been asleep, but I haven't. You know, there is this risk that AI will replace humans, but I don't think it's

quite there yet. I mean, there's just a number of cases where it's gotten it so dreadfully wrong that we go, I think we're all right as human beings. They were trying to teach AI to recognize the difference between healthy moles and cancerous moles by showing them loads of photos of healthy moles and cancerous moles. And in the end, they said to the AI, okay, can you tell which one is a cancerous mole? And the AI said, yes, it's the picture with the ruler in it. Because when they were showing them the two data sets, the normal moles were just pictures of moles and the cancerous ones were all medical photos that therefore had a ruler in it. So I think that the lesson there is watch out for rulers, like the long ones, not the king. They could give you cancer. Rachel, what areas of life are you most excited about them taking over from us?

Some guys who claim to be former employees of Tinder, although Tinder has denied they ever worked for them, have created an app called Cupidbot that will swipe for you and talk to women without telling them that they're talking to a chatbot and that's going to make dating better. Can I just say as someone who's been on the dating apps, that sounds amazing. Give me a chatbot that responds in full sentences, grammatically correct. Is there one I need it to be? I mean, this

sounds great. And robots won't send you a dick pic. Might send you a picture of their hard drive. I'll tell you what any of you couldn't do. Make up this garbage. Right, at the end, final score today,

Team Pump and Circumstance, Rachel and Andy, have 12. Team Stuff and Nonsense, Ria and Andrew, have eight. A quick internal BBC job advert before we go. Wanted one chair, preferably with at least one leg to stand on. And don't forget, with a very appropriate weather forecast for Saturday of rain, in the event that the coronation... In the event that the coronation is rained off,

the pools panel will announce the new monarch at 5pm. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Ria Lina, Andrew Maxwell, Rachel Cunliffe and Andy Parsons. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Mike Shepherd, Suchandrika Chakrabarti and Cody Darla. The producer was Sam Holmes

and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.