Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz – 6th January

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

It’s 2023 and Andy Zaltzman is back with a brand-new series of The News Quiz to start the year.This week Andy is joined by Lucy Porter, Chris McCausland, Samira Ahmed and Scott Bennett. They discuss Rishi Sunak’s newly released ‘five-point plan’, Keir Starmer’s pledge not to open the ‘big government chequebook’ and the surprise appearance of a walrus in Scarborough.Hosted and written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard, James Farmer, Jennifer Walker and Jade Gebbie.Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hi, I'm Helen Lewis and I want to tell you about a podcast I've made for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds. It's called The New Gurus and it's about how everywhere you look on the internet, people are giving advice. Advice they claim will transform your life. Advice that gets them thousands, no, millions of devoted followers. These online prophets are telling us how to eat, how to think, how to get rich, how to find love, how to manage our time. These are the new gurus. Just as people will say the Protestant Reformation and the printing press went hand in hand,

so too did this birth of the new internet culture really give rise to this new religious landscape. Subscribe now to The New Gurus on BBC Sounds. Can you hear that sound? Sounds a bit like someone talking. That is the sound of me welcoming you to an entirely new year of the News Quiz. We are barely a week into 2024 and already I've broken my two New Year's resolutions not to add one to all numbers. I genuinely thought you'd made a mistake.

I think at least one of our panellists enjoyed that joke. Let's meet the five of them now, three on each team. LAUGHTER Our panellists enjoyed that joke. Let's meet the five of them now, three on each team. Our teams this week, we have Team New Year, New You, against Team Same Old, Same Old, shortened to Team Nine Eye and Team So-So. On Team So-So, we have Chris McCausland and Scott Bennett. On Team Nine Eye, we have Lucy Porter and journalist and broadcaster Samira Ahmed.

I should also point out that due to industrial action, our regular scorekeepers are on strike, so there will be no points awarded at any point during this week's edition of the show. So our first question for no points can go to Lucy and Samira. As we approach the end of the first week of the year, who is already on five goals? So, yeah, I think we know this.

It's Rishi Sunak, and he presented his five-point plan. Was it five? I only did maths until I was 16, so I'm a bit hazy on numbers. But, yeah, he had a five-point plan. It was basically him sharing his New Year's resolutions with the nation, and very much like most people's, you know, fix the economy, stop small boats and get a wordle in one.

But, yeah, so it was him sort of telling us what he was going to do, but then it turns out a lot of his five points were things that were going to happen anyway. So things like inflation is going to come down and we're going to reduce the national debt and everything they're predicted to happen anyways i mean it's great to be able to stand up and announce things that you know are going to happen um i mean i'm quite prepared to say that i have decreed that this year february will follow january there will be a second series of ratings smash the traitors.

And Piers Morgan will say something unpleasant about Meghan Markle. Samira Labour said that Rishi Sudhak lacks a big vision in the aftermath of his speech. Is that a fair criticism? It's always interesting after 13 years being in power saying you want to fix the economy. That's quite an interesting point. But also, he said that these are the things

the British public really care about, and one of them was reducing the national debt, as if that's anyone's top five priority. It's all my kids talk about. I mean, it seems to me that it was not aiming to... Is underwhelmism now his defining political philosophy, the opposite of Johnson's boosterism? Well, there were people, weren't there, saying that he talked like he was a CBeebies

presenter. Well, I think that's really unfair, because CBeebies presenters don't talk down to their audience. It is a great parenting ploy, though, isn't it? That's one I use, is promise your children things that you actually want to do anyway,

or you know are going to happen. So if you're really, really good, then we'll go to Grandma's house. You go whether you want to or not. I thought he talked when he was speaking. He's got that kind of politician thing nailed, hasn't he? But they always sound like they are kind of computer game football commentary that have been pieced together in a random order when they talk about NHS waiting lists.

Too long! That's an own goal for Rishi Sunak. It's like trying to book to see a film at an automated cinema line on whether you just go, did you mean Canterbury? Did you mean NHS? I think you said you want to stop small boats. Boats! You're like, no, I didn't say that.

Want to see Titanic. Completely the opposite, to be honest. I should say that when it comes to the small boats, the Sunak definition of a small boat is any yacht under 180 feet. He's never, he hasn't given any time scales or

targets either, so that's quite good. It's basically like saying you're going to climb Everest, but then you just spend months at base camp in a puffer jacket, just sipping hot chocolate and pointing at the summit. Same thing, isn't it? He gave no targets, no real figures, and then at the end said,

and we'll either achieve it or not. You can't break that promise, can you? Absolutely. So, yeah, it was a five-point plan that clearly probably could be improved on this. Five of us here, so I think maybe we should try and formulate our own five-point plan to improve a country. Anyone want to chuck in a point to the plan?

I will reduce pressure on A&E departments by avoiding any risky activity, by which I am including hoovering, ironing... LAUGHTER ..and basically anything except sitting at home watching Repair Shop. Samira, what are you doing? Well, I was quite interested in high pay, because... LAUGHTER

This week is the week that CEOs of FTSE 100 companies out-earn the entire annual salary of the average UK worker. And I thought it would be quite good if we actually did have a cap on what you could earn running, like, a privatised national resource like water, and that maybe you couldn't earn more than a certain amount, more than a multiple of your average worker. Would it not be performance-related, or that every millilitre of water leaked

should be equivalent to 1,000 pounds off your salary? Well, I was thinking more if they made you drink water, you know, after heavy rain, they got you a glass of water from where all those sewage overflow spots were and made you drink it. Right. So you're suggesting leading business people should be drinking undiluted sewage? I'm sure I've had a Duke of Edinburgh like that. Scott, what was...

I float the idea of a riot day. Hear me out, right? I think it'd be really cathartic if it's like The Purge, where they said, tomorrow's riot day, you know, make your placards and stuff the day before, and then you go out, and I think it would be self-policing because, I mean, who's throwing a petrol bomb now? £1.89

a litre. That's going straight in the Volvo, isn't it? I mean, it's hard to riot, isn't it, when all the shops are boarded up already. What would be your contribution to this fight? Well, I think from what we were talking about,

I would make it compulsory for politicians to talk in a more natural way. Personally, I think levelling up is very important and therefore I'd build a new high-speed canal from London to Birmingham. There are boats there up to nine miles an hour. Our Rishi Sunak's attempts to reverse the governmental Ford Fiesta back out of the ditch that they've driven it into comes against a backdrop of widespread industrial action. Obviously, fixing deep-seated unrest

emerging from decades of underfunding socially vital sectors is a bit tricky. So can anyone tell me what the government is trying to do to stop strikes instead oh they're going to require you to have a minimum service so basically stop you having a strike by making it kind of illegal yes to actually withhold your services which is what strike is there's a little irony isn't it i read that they they're making it illegal for like the train drivers to have strikes and um but they're still yet to introduce their timetable of how they're

going to do that do you have a particular favorite of the many strikes going on oh i don't know it's been loads hasn't there sons i've got a calendar i've printed out on the fridge to keep up with it um so i think this week alone is driving examiners i think then we've got train drivers bus drivers i think then it's nhs and i've got two children who do four after-school clubs a week and i'm struggling to keep up with it if i'm being honest it's getting to the point where if you're not either on strike or balloting about going on strike you can be pretty sure your job is useless and worthless like we're going to be the last when we go when comedians go then the country's completely about going on strike, you can be pretty sure your job is useless and worthless. Like, we're going to be the last.

When comedians go, then the country's completely buggered, isn't it? I'd argue that things are so miserable at the moment, we're technically key workers. My dad was a fireman for years, and I actually went on a picket line. I remember when I was about 12, they were striking over pay. And I remember going down there and they were stood around a burning barrel, which I didn't think was helping their cause. Kind of like the police stepping back and watching someone rob a bank.

Shows you the state of the country, though, don't it? When the trains are on strike and you barely notice. 20% of services are being run in, and for Southern Rail, that was a 5% increase. Although this is the BBC, so we do need to be impartial, and so I should say that other underperforming train companies are available. This question can go to Chris and Scott. Rishi Sunak has been accused of being delusional.

Why? I think it's because he's proposed some ideas or said about the NHS being in a state and no-one sort of believed what he said. Which is, I think the difficulty is, is no-one thinks he can relate to any of us. I think that's the stumbling block, because I think the difficulty is no one thinks he can relate to any of us I think that's the stumbling block because I think it's like we don't know what his medical arrangements are

and he probably has spent 33 hours in a corridor to be fair but that's just how long it takes him to walk from the master bedroom to the orange room and before Christmas he asked a homeless guy if he was in business. Yeah, I mean, there's people cringing. If we could run this country on cringe, we'd be flying.

He said that the NHS wasn't underfunded for the capacity required, didn't he? Which is like saying, you know, the bucket is big enough. If you've got a bucket and it's full of water and there's water all over the floor, you need a bigger bucket. You go, why is the water all over the floor? You don't go, well, the bucket's big enough,

we just need to get rid of some of the water. It's the water's fault for wanting to be in the bucket. I mean, it would solve things if the NHS just told everyone they were fine, would it not? You know, I don't mind rich people, posh people running the country, but there does come a point where they're just so out of touch. And, like, when I was skint in my 20s, I used to have a quite rich friend.

And, like, the advice that rich people give you, I'd be like, oh, I'm feeling really low. And she'd be like, well, you know what? When I feel down, what I do is I go and have a manicure. But it's a deliberate strategy. I mean, that's how it appears, which is a doubling down, which you could argue is a kind of gambling strategy from running a hedge fund, isn't it?

Which is, we don't negotiate with you at all, and the goal is that eventually the public mood will turn against the strikers, including nurses. That's the gamble. It's a huge gamble. So he's basically treating nurses like terrorists. He negotiates with nurse terrorists. Would you say the NHS is in crisis, Chris? I mean, it's hard to get an appointment

with the GP, isn't it? You can't get a face-to-face appointment with the GP anymore. It's like trying to solve the Enigma code, isn't it? I think that's how GCHQ are hiring now. They used to put out cryptic puzzles in the back of obscure magazines, and now I think they just wait to see who gets a face-to-face appointment with a GP. If I want to excite my husband in the bedroom now, I don't dress up as a sexy nurse, I dress up as a GP. But only after eight in the morning.

Keir Starmer also gave a speech in response to Sunak's speech. Lucy and Samira, can you tell me, Starmer said that Labour will not be getting its what out again, and please bear in mind this is a family show. Yeah, no, the thing that they're not going to get out is the big government cheque book. Correct.

Which is a lovely mental image, isn't it? Like you give to lottery winners. I was going to say, you try writing a cheque, where would you pay it in? There's no bank. Oh, no, bless Sir Keir. He's going to pay off the national debt with Green Shield stamps. There's only two people using chequebooks at the minute,

and that's Keir Starmer and Blankety Blank. He borrowed the phrase, take back control from the Brexit campaign. I'd give that a swerve if I were you, mate. Because I think it's a bit like when Hermes changed their name to Every, innit? Yeah, we remember. That's the problem.

That's the problem. My parcel's in a hedge. I wonder who it could be. Well, you're being very skeptical. I think the whole taking back the slogan, take back control, is generally being regarded as a really smart move, you know, planting a flag on their territory. And the fact that the Conservative government let that happen

is quite interesting. So it definitely feels like quite an exciting start of an election campaign. Yeah, no, in fairness, I thought, yeah, it is quite a good idea. It was a really successful slogan and why not use it against them? Absolutely. And if we're allowed to use other people's catchphrases, then join me on my next tour, garlic bread.

Ooh, you are awful, but I like you. I mean, the other thing he said, he's not going to spend his way out of the Tory mess, which he said that. And I don't know if he he said, he's not going to spend his way out of the Tory mess, which he's said that. And I don't know if he realises, but in 2022, all the top ten music singles were from British artists. Do you know that? It's the first time in history. So we don't need to spend our way out of the misery.

We can sing out of it instead. Just have one big choir. While the world burns. Rishi Sunak also said this week that he wants all children to do what until they're at least 18. And bear in mind, once again, this is a family show. It's made them study maths. Yes. Till they're 18.

And what's interesting is that the Tory government actually commissioned a report which said this back in 2011, I think it was then when Michael Gove was Education Secretary. And they actually got a real mathematician, Carol Vorderman, to lead the inquiry, but they did nothing about it. And it just seemed with all the things on your to-do list in January 2023, making students study maths until 18 wouldn't be the one I'd put as a priority policy to launch. No. I mean, I think maybe he thought it would be popular because he thought, oh, yeah, this will appeal to people. And even Carol Vorderman is against it now,

which, you know, she bloody loves maths. She's obsessed with it. Even Vorders thinks it's a terrible idea, so it was like a massive damp squib. To me, as a parent, and his kids are about the same age as mine, it does feel like it's a very sort of personal crusade that he's been trying to get his daughters to do their maths. You'll be doing this till you're 18 if you don't do it now.

I also think all taxpayers should have to put their own things in the dishwasher. It's very brave of him now, isn't it? Because the last thing the Conservatives need is for everybody to have a better understanding of the numbers. I don't know what the questions are going to be on some of these maths papers, but I've got a few ideas. I think one of them will probably

be, if Matthew spends £10 billion on PPE, just how many kangaroos' testicles will he need to eat in order to gain forgiveness? I mean, obviously there is something to be said for greater numeracy, generally, and, you know, that's not a bad thing. And a lot of people have said, well, it would be good if we taught kids about practical maths applications

like doing your taxes. And then someone said, oh, you know, teach kids how to get a mortgage. And that is trolling Gen Z. Here's how to get something you'll never afford. I think they need to master time travel before that bit, don't they? That's like teaching them how to be a vet for a dodo. Yes, Rishi Sunak, the first Prime Minister of 2023.

Sunak has unveiled a five-point plan, whilst Labour leader Keir Starmer pledged to introduce a take-back control bill if Labour wins the next general election. Sunak also announced plans to make all children do maths until the age of 18, and you can see why he's realised how important it is for us to get better at maths as a nation when he's come up with a five-point plan that contains 0.4 of an actual plan in it. Sunak's plans were criticised as a combination of vague, pointless and insufficient, which, to be fair, is a significant step up on his predecessor's combination of unfeasible, disastrous and deranged.

The NHS remains a major political headache, which is not ideal, given that we're running low on cold and flu remedies. The current policy of having hundreds of people die every week due to underfunding, understaffing and under-resourcing isn't really winning over wavering voters yet. To an extent, it's just a PR issue. Instead of saying the NHS is in crisis, they should just say the country is giving up antibiotics for January.

Obviously, forcing children to constrict their future prospects by choosing just three subjects to specialise in at the age of 15 or 16 is as much part of British education as not knowing much about our imperial history. Currently, only half of 16- to 19-year-olds study maths, or as the other two-thirds call it, around about 20%. LAUGHTER At the end of that round, it's nil-nil. APPLAUSE

In the spirit of this week, I should say that my brother once hit me in the face with a hockey stick. We're all sharing these things these days. We were aged six and eight, respectively. We were messing around in the garden. We didn't know the rules of hockey. It was an accident, probably, and I was dressed as a hockey ball at the time.

But still, we've got to get these things out in the open in today's Britain. Hashtag buy my book. LAUGHTER open in today's Britain, hashtag buy my book. Chris, I understand you've actually had some first-hand experience of Prince William's hand. I met him at the Royal Variety and he's got quite big hands, quite big hands, but incredibly

soft, so I reckon his punch got quite a bit of coverage. I've been slapped in the face by a pillow probably. I actually met him. I was told, don't touch him, don't speak unless spoken to, all these rules, and I was stood there waiting. And then he came over and he just threw his hand into mine and he went, hey there, Chris, it's the Duke.

How's it going? And I was like, did you just call yourself the Duke? Like, it was his nickname. Just made me chuckle. Here is his nickname. This made me chuckle. Moving on now to the rest of the world. This question can go to Lucy and Samira.

What broken records have been like a broken record this winter? Weather. Yes. So records keep being broken for... So it's been the hottest it's ever been, like, everywhere. But the Met Office said 2022 was the hottest year ever in Britain. I mean, it would have been even worse, but luckily it was mitigated a bit by the icy coldness of Suella Braverman's heart.

Probably around 10 degrees on average. And it's been very hot. You know, Europe's been hot. In the outer Hebrides, over Christmas, people were in T-shirts, which the people of Newcastle are looking at that and going, we need to take off a layer of skin. They had wildfires in the Arctic tundra, didn't they? That's not a good sign, is it?

No. And I think 15 of the hottest 20 years on record are all this century, and we've only just reached 2023. That's not ideal, because we're talking about temperature hotness rather than just 15 of the sexiest years. Well, they say the English wine

is going to be a lot more interesting. That's good. You know, as a result of global warming. It's nice, English wine. I mean, you know, I'll drink anything me. I mean, there have been people warning us, haven't there? But the problem, like, Extinction Rebellion, the problem with them is they made themselves

less popular than Extinction. But they've said they're going to stop doing disruptive stuff now. They're going to be nicer to commuters. I quite like them. I think it takes the pressure off me a bit, you know. You know, they organise the leave-in, do I? I'll put some money in the card, you know. Let us know when it's sorted.

I'll keep using the cardboard straws. Crack on. I wouldn't mind gluing myself... I'd glue myself to my sofa. There's some works of art I'd throw soup over. That one of the dogs playing poker. No-one would miss that, would they? What about the Andy Warhol picture of soup?

Would you throw soup over that? On a related topic, let's go to Chris and Scott. What has been described as bare and slushy? Oh, my God, you've been on my Tinder profile. Bare and slushy. Also, the two Spice Girls that were cut from the final line. This is skiing, isn't it? Yeah.

There's no snow on the ski slopes. I don't get... I've never really got it, to be honest. I mean, the only reason they've got to come down the hill is because they went up the hill. The only reason to come down the hill is because they went up the hill the only reason they went up the hill was to come back down the hill stay at the bottom of the hill count to three hours in your head and you're in the same place

I just reckon there were people emerging from a wooden lodge after having some apres ski just going how long have we been in here, Gerald? The whole mountain's melted. It is a bit weird. I mean, people have gone from off-piste to piste-off.

Sorry, I had to say that. I live in Nottingham. We haven't had any snow for ages. I've been dragging my daughter on a sledge on tarmac, finding speed humps. I mean, that's all we do. There's never been any snow. I mean, Ski Sunday, now it's not a TV show,

that is a description of this year's skiing season. I don't even like the yoghurts. At the end of that round, it's still nil-nil. Moving into our final round now. Now, the news can, as we've discussed, seem overwhelmingly negative. It's all natural disasters, looming conflict, people calling the government nasty names, what you need to be

scared of and why. The news business is desperate to keep your eyeballs screwed to a carousel of adrenaline inducing horror because the attention economy is predicated on seizing and retaining your few uncolonised brain cells like an 18th century British officer spotting a virgin landmass. I'm going to give, in our final round, give our panellists the chance to choose a positive or a negative story to receive a question on. Do you want positive or negative? Let's go positive. OK.

What has been officially recorded for the first ever time in Yorkshire? Optimism. I mean, you're close. It was an act of generosity. What happened was someone was in a car park and then someone gave someone a ticket that still had an hour left on it.

And it was like they were donating a kidney. There was tears. They wept and held each other and they still keep in touch. It was for the walrus. Yes. Which is an incredible story. What I do love is that New Year's Eve in London, you had a firework display that they spent millions on.

And in Yorkshire, we had a walrus on a beach committing an act of self-love. And no fireworks, because he brought his own. Scarborough Council cancelled the firework display because the walrus was there. But imagine if that was the only reason

the walrus had turned up. Yeah. I love the idea of them looking at the budget and going, go get the walrus you can't spend this money this is Yorkshire, find me a walrus but what I really felt sorry for was the people who saw it were people in the Sea Life Centre

so I always think can you imagine trying to sell day tickets to tourists to come and see terrapins when you've got a live walrus you know committing an act of self-love it was the best story of the whole festive period wasn't it was amazing I was there watching it oh, look at that blubbery creature lying there doing nothing and then I realised I hadn't actually switched the telly on, that was just me. It's incredible. I mean, even Attenborough wouldn't be able to pull that off.

This is indeed Thor the Walrus, not only an avant-garde 1980s electro-pop-funk grunge fusion band, Nantwich, or not only an instruction in an unlicensed Arctic kebab shop that's running low on meat, but also an animal that's been on an unexpected holiday to Scarborough. Scarborough's fireworks display was cancelled

over fears that the fireworks might distress the amply whiskered 1,000kg pinniped of no fixed abode, although the walrus community was later rocked by allegations that Thor may have performed an act of non-biblical, groinier-less self-gratification whilst relaxing on the Yorkshire seafront. Right, at the end of this week's News Quiz, the score is nil-nil.

Before we go, due to an arcane bylaw that was accidentally left on the statute books when America went independent in the late 18th century following the events of this week in Washington as host of the News Quiz, I'm now also Speaker of the House of Representatives You're welcome, America Thank you very much for listening, I've been Andy Zaltzman, goodbye Taking part in the News Quiz America. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Lucy Porter, Chris McCausland, Samira Ahmed and Scott Bennett. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Sheppard, James Farmer, Jennifer Walker and Jay Geby. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC

Studios production. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Mosley and in my podcast, Just One Thing, I'm investigating some quick, simple and surprising ways to improve your health and life. From the martial art of Tai Chi to bolster your immune system. A handful of nuts.

These are delicious. To slow aging. Or how about cleaning your teeth? To give your brain a boost. So to benefit your brain and body in ways you might not expect, here's just one thing you can do right now. Subscribe to the podcast on BBC Sounds.