Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 6th May

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. I am Andy Zaltzman. And I'm back just in time to do this week's news quiz after attending Monday night's glamorous fashion event of the year, the Met Gala in New York. I'm just removing my outfit.

Almost there. I'll finally just take my hat off and then we're ready to go. That's better. Now that we're all dressed appropriately for radio, welcome to the News Quiz Hello everyone, we are recording remotely via the internet again this week in an election week to link up with all known corners of the United Kingdom

As you can probably hear there, our audience contains all of the accents available in the UK today. And our guests are from the four most famous component nations of the UK. Northern Ireland, Wales, Scotland and... Oh, what's the other one? Oh, I always forget it. What's that place where they claim Stonehenge is? England. That's it. England.

From Scotland, we have Ayesha Hazarika. From Wales, we have Tiddy Owen. And from Northern Ireland, Diona Doherty. They are on Team Celtic Alliance. And representing the rest of the UK, it's Ian Smith. From England, specifically the disputed separatist territory of Yorkshire. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome, everyone.

We are all represented here. Now, we actually recorded this show before the results of the elections were known. In fact, before the polls closed. So our first question goes to all our panellists. Guess what will have happened in your bit of the UK by the time that people listen to this show? Deona, you first. Tell me what is going to happen in Northern Ireland this week. Well, it seems like Sinn Féin might be on the brink of making history as the first nationalist party to win the public vote here in almost 100 years and I think that's down to northerners, you know, setting aside

tactical voting, do you like that us and them mentality that we've always had and by us I mean Catholics and by them I mean all of the wrong Protestants. I feel like we've always treated the elections like a real life game of Big Brother, just voting to boot people out

but it's easy for us here to forget what a government looks like because we're so rarely with the functioning one. The protocol is the main thing here that has people divided. I think, you know, you have one side that feel really strongly about not knowing what it means. And then, you know, you have the other side

that feel super strongly about pretending to know what it means. So the Northern Ireland Protocol, that was brought in after the surprise post-Brexit discovery of a land border between the UK and the European Union. I mean, we'd all heard rumours, Dionne, hadn't we? But who believes maps these days? I mean, has it been officially confirmed? I mean, I haven't seen it for myself.. I mean, who believes maps these days? Has it been officially confirmed?

I mean, I haven't seen it for myself. So I'm one of those people. I need to see it, to believe it. I need to smell it, feel it, touch it. But of course, you know, if the National Champagne do win, then this is the first time we'd have an Irish nationalist First Minister

and that border could be no more. You know, the idea of a border pole draws closer. A United Island could be on the. You know, the idea of a border pole draws closer. A United Island could be on the horizon, which would benefit us Northerners massively with, you know, streamlined economy, increased employment and stuff, but we would probably also have to inherit Conor McGregor,

so we should probably just leave it. There's always two sides to everything. Ayesha, you've been involved in politics for decades. How big a seismic shift would it be if Sinn Féin do come out on top in this vote? Oh, it's going to be absolutely huge if they do. And of course, as Jonas said, the DUP may well not play ball.

And the idea that we've got Brexit done is absolutely for the birds. I heard an interesting phrase the other day, which when Boris Johnson said, get Brexit done, he didn't really mean that. It was more like kind of keep Brexit bubbling. Like that was the sort of general thing. So it's going to be absolutely huge if Sinn Féin come first.

And in terms of the power sharing structure, it's obviously quite hard to understand for those of us more used to Westminster politics, where the idea of sharing, compromise and cooperation are viewed as fatal weaknesses. Do you think it's been a success over the last couple of decades? I mean, I think obviously for a bit of background, we have two main parties here,

the unionist DUP and the nationalist Sinn Féin. So far they seem to be getting on great. I think they're having a... I mean, it was the three years out of office that sort of went, these guys just get on so well. Let's move across the sea now. Tiddy, we're coming

to you now. What will have happened in Wales in the elections this week? Well, it's going to be exciting. We also found that we had a border recently during the pandemic, and we also found that we were able to close it. We didn't know we could do that.

We haven't had so much fun since the Middle Ages. It was so much fun. But it's going to be interesting. For the first time ever, 16 and 17-year-olds will be legally allowed to smack their parents for the first time, likely. No, they will have voted for the first time, which is exciting,

and they will have had a say on things like bin collections, even though they have no idea what a bin looks like. Do you think this is progress for Wales, that 16 and 17-year-olds can come back? Yes, well, we'll have to wait and see what kind of results they come up with. Because there are 22 councils in Wales, that means 700-odd wards, over 1,000 councillors, and three surnames, which is always tricky.

LAUGHTER Tourism actually was quite high up on everybody's agenda. It was very talked about during the campaign. And there have been moves to introduce a tourist tax, which has been quite divisive. Opponents have called it, interestingly, a tax on the English, to which supporters have responded by saying, Yep.

LAUGHTER Ian, as our representative of England, supporters have responded by saying, yep. Ian, as our representative of England, did you make the journey to Wales, or indeed Northern Ireland or Scotland, to cast your vote there as well? Oh, yeah, I mean, it's been a busy day for me, really. I've been told in all three cases that I'm not eligible to vote there, so it's been quite a frustrating day for me, really.

Find a way, mate. Find a way. You cannot complain about both political apathy and electoral fraud. It shows commitment to the process. You're younger than me, I think it's fair to say, by... I'm going to ballpark it, 15 to 20 years.

Do you think they should roll out with 16-year-olds voting in England or take it even back further to anyone over the age of nought? Oh, yeah. I think I'd like to see sort of five-year-olds above be able to vote just to see how it would change kids' TV programmes. to vote just to see how it would change kids' TV programmes. One to see the Teletubbies trying to explain the first-past-the-post

system to kids. The first-past-the-post system, I think you mean. A follow-up question on Wales, and this can go to all our guests this week. Why did the Welsh accountant cross the road? And also, why did he get very cross whilst doing so? I think I know what this is about.

There was a sign that's on a piece of tarmac in an Aldi car park in Llandudno. And it's one of these mistranslated signs because in English it says no entry. And in Welsh it says the words dim cofnod, which, to be fair, does mean no entry. But in bookkeeping terms. So either it's one of these long tradition of mistranslated signs or they've taken the Environment environment secretary george eustace's suggestion that we need to be better managing our household budgets uh and that we should be taking our accountants with us to aldi there is as i say a long list of companies who for some reason decide to use google translate rather than just simply asking a welsh speaker. And there are some famous... Oh, here we go.

There are some famous examples, actually. There was one supermarket famously translated Wines and Spirits, which came out in Welsh as Wines and Ghosts. I was a lot of fun. Let's move up to Scotland now. Aisha, what will have happened in Scotland this week? Well, it's going to be very interesting. All the elections are very interesting.

Now, the first thing today is the Scottish council elections are decided by a proportional system. It's known as the single transferable vote, which is a very fair system unless you lose, in which case it's absolutely terrible. And it also means that very few councils can win outright, which means you can't blame anyone when your bins don't get emptied. So that's like a really important point of Scottish democracy.

I think Douglas Ross is going to be the big loser of the night. He is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party and he has faced a lot of criticism for his on-off support for the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. It's like officially on standby, which has obviously really annoyed the Green Party. How likely do you think a second referendum is at this stage? Because, I mean, things have clearly changed. The goalposts have moved.

I mean, I think that's the question a lot of people are saying. I mean, also, a lot of people felt that the terms of the last referendum were on, as you say, nothing would change constitutionally. And really the two Bs have happened, Boris and Brexit. So a lot of people in Scotland do want another say. But the polls haven't moved that much. So there's a lot of, I think do want another say. But the polls haven't moved that much. So there's a lot of, I think there's going to be quite a stushy within the SNP about

what to do about the timetable. A stushy? Can you just translate that for those of us south of Hadrian's Wall? It's like a massive row, basically. It's a terrific word, that. Moving on to you, Ian, as our representative of England, the North, Yorkshire, Gould, where I believe you were born in Gould, is that correct? I was born in Pontefract and then moved to the heights of Gould. Right. But there's no elections going on in Gould.

Gould is sort of safe at the minute. Right. We're sticking with what we've got. We've opted out of any democracy for a while. Well, there's a lot going on. So for England, there are 4,411 council seats being

contested. So I'll try and do a quick summary of each and every one of those. I don't know how long this week's episode is, but we'll see. Alphabetical order, Abingdon on Thames, we'll start there. First candidate is Aaron Aronson for the Greens. I think the crux of it is that Labour

are expecting to make some big gains, and the Conservatives I think are trying to limit the damage of things like Partygate, and their main technique seems to be going, well, Keir Starmer had a beer as well. So... So we're going to see

how that works for them. But some of the key battles that I can go through quickly, and you're probably sick of hearing this on the News Quiz, but it's all about Wandsworth. Wandsworth is the big one. It's been Conservative-held since 1978. So to give you a bit of perspective,

back in 1978, Jeremy Corbyn was 63. But, yeah, that's the main headline. That and the fact that there's a new North Yorkshire Council, basically. They've created a sort of super council out of North Yorkshire County Council and lots of the kind of little parish councils. So it's sort of like an Avengers situation. But instead of Captain America, they've got Captain Scarborough.

It's a new unitary authority that's going to be launched next year. So is this the first step to full Yorkshire independence, Ian? I hope so, yeah. It's hard to tell whether those are the cheers of people wanting us gone, really. I think that's the plan, to tell whether those are the cheers of people wanting us gone, really. I think that's the plan, is, yeah, slowly get independence as a county, get our own passports,

and then see if there's a way to sort of carve ourselves out of England and become a sort of free-roaming state, like a big ship, basically. I'm not sure. I haven't looked into this too much. Good luck, Ian. We've been trying that for ages. Moving to the issue of national politics in general

and the state of the government, with the inflation set to hit double figures, a 40-year high, adding to fears of an economic downturn, the cost of living looks set to be a key factor in the elections this week. And a pensioner interviewed by Susanna Reid on Good Morning Britain said that she has resorted to doing what all day to avoid using energy at home?

Setting fire to bins? Close, but not quite right. Is it just getting interviewed by Susanna Reid? Setting on a bus, isn't it? Yes, that is correct, Fiona, yes. It's amazing how Boris Johnson managed to turn this kind of into a brag, that she said that in order to stay warm, she's having to go out and basically live on a bus,

and he was the one who then said, well, I'm the one who introduced the Freedom 24 Pass so that you can live on that bus. I honestly think that the government heroically continues its efforts to help people help themselves by not helping them at all and leaving them absolutely no option. George Eustice, the Environment Minister, suggested that people save money by buying supermarket economy

and value products rather than more expensive brands. Now, I mean, I think it's likely that people were probably doing all that already in the same way that two and a half million people have been making the very sensible money-saving decision to use food banks rather than eat at Michelin-starred restaurants. So maybe the government could advise them to do that as well. I'm going to put this to our panellists now. Imagine you are cabinet ministers, which is sadly not as far-fetched as it might one day have been

for a bunch of comedians. What crassly insensitive or well-meaningly idiotic advice would you give to voters about how to save money? Stop eating millionaire shortbread. Clearly unsustainable food stuff. It's pauper shortbread for you. Know your place. As regards saving money, I'm not too sure,

but I think there's a way that we like to make money here in the north very easily, and it's just by sticking the name Titanic before anything. I mean, we don't like to talk about it that much, but we do have a Titanic museum, a Titanic film and studio, a Titanic hotel, a Titanic quarter, a geniusly named Thai restaurant called Thai-tanic. But we don't like to bring it up.

I'd say, given the tough times that are ahead of us and the dire economic situation we're going to find ourselves in and the inevitable cuts to public services, I would say turn to crime because nobody's going to come after you. Just turn to crime. Essentially, you're saying actually the government's been setting a very good example for how to get through the current crisis.

Absolutely. Do as they do. Absolutely. I think this year should be the year it becomes legal to use skills to pay the bills. You can turn up to, like, British Gas's headquarters and do some, like, really good juggling. 20% off for that juggling.

The official government advice to add to buying economy-branded products is that roadkill is surprisingly tasty. Try foraging, because most mushrooms are OK and squirrels are sleepy at this time of year and quite easy to steal nuts from. They're also suggesting that you just draw a picture of the Queen on a bit of paper. It might pass for a 20-quid note if you smile nicely at the checkout.

But the big question in politics this week as the nation prepared to go to the polls and this was submitted by a listener came from a mr b johnson in london and the question is who is lorraine can anyone answer this team this poser anyone i mean it's a disc i mean mean, Lorraine Kelly is a staple in our TV diet. It's hard to believe the Prime Minister doesn't know who she is. Being British and not knowing who Lorraine Kelly is is as unbelievable as testing your eyesight by driving your child 30 miles on a busy road.

But we live in strange times, Fiona. I just love to watch the panic in his eyes as he desperately tried to remember if Lorraine, if he was paying her child maintenance. I think the thing is, though, he was very confused and he was very distracted because Susanna Reid has legs, so... LAUGHTER Well, that brings us to the end of

our elections round, and the scores are four to Ian on Team England, and the Celtic Alliance have seven. APPLAUSE Now we have a GCSE maths style question for you all. If Jenny, which in this case is short for Generic Oil Company,

has just chanced upon £7 billion in quarterly profits and 2.5 million of Jenny's friends are having to use food banks, how much of her £7 billion could Jenny give to each of her friends while still having £3.5 pounds left over for her own rainy day emergency so any guesses uh 12 12 pounds no it's more than that ian 832 it's it's closer uh it's actually 1 400 pounds uh you give 1 400 pounds to two 2.5 million people with the £7 billion profit. So it's led to talk of a windfall tax. Do you think this is a good thing?

I felt quite underqualified with this story. I was reading about it, and there's lots of stuff in the story about dividends, and I realised my entire knowledge of dividends comes from one of the chance cards in Monopoly. Politically, Ayesha, these calls for a windfall tax aren't going to go away, are they, given the economic state of the UK? No, I mean, this story is absolutely raging

because people are raging. BP's profits almost doubled to just under five billion in the first three months of the year. The other thing which has slightly shot the fox of the prime minister, the prime minister has been saying we can't do a windfall tax because it means that these companies will not invest in green things. And this guy, Bernard Looney, has come out and said, no, we would still invest in green things if we did have this windfall tax. So many other countries have done it. And, you know, what have we got?

We've got not even a gift of £150. We've been given a loan of £150, which isn't going to even touch the site. I mean, you can't even have a bath for that cost anymore, let's be honest. Yes, there are growing calls for a windfall tax on the booming profits of energy companies after BP and Shell announced stratospheric quarterly profits. And the government has thus far rejected the idea of a windfall tax, expressing concern that it could lead to the

likes of BP reducing their investments in energy product, a theory slapped down by woke leftists, such as BP themselves. In other fuel-related news, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen said this week that what will not be easy?

Is it looking at a tractor in the same way? I think that was the subtext today, yeah. Is it weaning ourselves off Russian oil? That is a factually correct answer today, which is vanishingly rare on this show.

Congratulations. I've tried to do that. I've tried to wean myself off Russian oil and I've just started using olive oil. Making things taste better, if I'm honest. Headaches have stopped. Lost a couple of flatmates.

Turned out they were hallucinations. That's quite annoying. Yes, so the EU's announced that it will phase out all imports of Russian oil and gas by the end of the year. Now, using the benefit of hindsight, do we think this is a little too late? I'll take that as a yes. I mean, if only there had been people warning the world to wean itself off fossil fuels for decades and cautioning against becoming too reliant on Putin's Russia for years and years and years.

But they weren't, apart from those that were. At the end of our oil round, the scores are now 6 to Ian for England and 12 to the Celtic Alliance. It's not going well, Ian.

Oh no, are England going to lose? Let's cross the Atlantic now. It's been another week in which America has again been at loggerheads with its fiercest, oldest enemy, itself. The dispute this week was about who should be allowed to do what with whose what's. Any suggestions?

Yeah, so in the latest episode of The Handmaid's Tale, Ruvie Way could potentially be overturned. I think if it is, it's only fair that we also control, you know, some aspect of the male body too, you know, just to keep it simple. Simple and fair, like if a man's feet grow larger than a size 10, then we just chop off the excess fit and feed it to his dog. I don't know, I think it would be just as feminist in me.

I would rather everyone's bodies were victimised and terrorised on an equal level. This is down to Trump, isn't it? Even though he's been out of the White House for a while, he's left his mark like the fake tan stains in the bath. You just can't seem to get rid of them. Because he appointed three new Supreme Court judges, so the balance now is...

Of the nine judges, six have been appointed by Republican presidents. Interestingly, in the Roe v Wade case, Trump hasn't said anything about it yet, which isn't a surprise because originally he thought Roe v. Wade was a debate about the best way to cross a river. Yes, a leaked document has suggested the US Supreme Court is in favour of overturning Roe v. Wade, the landmark ruling that made abortion legal in the USA in 1973.

The Supreme Court, for those unfamiliar with it, is part elite legal body, part political plaything that leaves American lives at the whims of long-departed presidents. It's quite baffling as an outsider. It's one of those things that's hard to understand in American politics, like the gun issue, particularly when set next to the American attitude towards unpasteurised cheese, which is illegal in many states of the USA, presumably after that famous moment when a deranged Frenchman

wandered into a shopping mall carrying 800,000 rounds of brie. Horse fed them to the locals over several decades until they all eventually died of coronary illness before he finally turned his camembert on himself. died of coronary illness before he finally turned his camembert on himself. It does seem a shame for us here in Britain to miss out on rolling back progressive legislation from the early 1970s, so I'm going to ask our panellists, are there any pieces of early 1970s law that you'd particularly like repealed, just to see the looks on people's faces? Yes, I would like to repeal the Children Act of 1972

that says that children under the age of 13 cannot be employed. Right. I think that's crazy. I mean, the sooner we admit that they could be real handy, the easier our lives will be. There we go. People complain about the lack of balance on the BBC, and for too long the BBC has pushed an anti-child labour line,

and we're balancing that out now. Exactly. Well done, the other. What about the Fiji Independence Act of 1970? I'd quite like Fiji back. Is this a largely rugby-based policy? Yeah, I think it would really help us out in that regard. I'd like the Dangerous Wild Animals Act of 1976 revisited

because it ruined my family's zoo. We used to have one. It used to be widely considered as Anglesey's most thrilling day out. Some said terrifying. I prefer thrilling. But, you know... It was a combination of man-eating animals and chicken wire just kept you on your toes. It was so exciting.

Other 1970s legislation that you might like to get rid of, the Health and Safety at Work Act of 1974, because when this country was great, industrial accidents were all the rage. All the rage. And the European Communities Act of 1972, which took the

UK into... Oh, hang on. And that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz, and the final scores, Ian Smith for Team England has 10 points and Diona Doherty, Tidder Owen and Aisha Hazarika for the Celtic Alliance are this week's winners with 18.

Thank you for listening. I have been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Ian Smith, Tiddy Rowan, Diona Doherty and Aisha Hazarika. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Alfie Packham and Cameron Loxdale. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios Production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull-Apart, only at Wendy's.

It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.