Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 6th October

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week's news. With him to find the answers to all our problems Daliso Chaponda, Susie McCabe, Bethany Black, and Hugo RifkindThis week, Andy and the panel discuss the cancellation of the world's most delayed train, a very awkward work event, and the most patient guide dog (such a good boy).Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by Alice Fraser Cody Dahler and Caroline MabeyProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Editor: Giles AspenA BBC Studios Production

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Are you feeling politically forgotten? Does it seem that economic benefits never come your way? Do you feel cut off from the rest of the country? Or do you sometimes think there is no way out and no way in? Then you could be in Manchester. Where we are for this week's News Quiz! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In Manchester. Where we are for this week's News Quiz.

Hello. Welcome to the News Quiz. Here we are in Manchester. It's the last time that anyone will be able to reach this great city before it is fully cordoned off from the rest of the country and hermetically sealed in a special porcelain dome. If I've exaggerated wildly from a kernel of truth, sorry, that's just what comes from hanging around near a party conference. Indeed, in the week of the Conservative conference here in Manchester,

our teams are Team Same Old Same Old against Team... Honestly, we're completely different this time. On Team Same, we have Delisa Oshaponda and Bethany Black. And on Team Different, Susie McCabe and Hugo Rifkind. And our first question can go to Susie and Hugo. We apologise for the cancellation of the Manchester service. This is due to bad government. But by ditching the northern bit of HS2,

what else, according to the Conservative mayor of the West Midlands, Andy Street, has Rishi Sunak also cancelled? Has he cancelled a street that was going to be named after Andy Street? That was going to be called Andy Street Street? Well, I think he might have done now after these comments. Is it Christmas? Well, Christmas is within this period of time. Well, they cancelled the HS too, right?

But I also think that this is the worst train cancellation. There should be at least an HS bus replacement service. A bus which goes at, like, I don't know, 120 miles an hour. It's like, oh, yes, we've got hope. With Keanu Reeves on board. Andy Street said that Rishi Sunak has cancelled the future. Wow. He's cancelled the future?

I mean, are you on board with this? Is that because he had sex with his own mother in the back of a car? Sorry, is that what you heard? That'll do it. The cancelling of HST is... I mean, whether it's a good idea or a bad idea, HST is a bit embarrassing. It's only a train. You'd think we could build it. It's not like it's a space elevator.

If they were serious, they would have started building from both ends. Has no-one paid ticket to ride? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It was that thing. Apparently the railways are the thing that we're most proud of giving to everyone else. And yet we can't have one for ourselves. They promised us now instead we're going to get regional railways

that will connect Manchester to Liverpool and Leeds, two cities that famously love us. And it just felt like that moment on Christmas morning when you asked for a Mega Drive and you opened the present your mum had got you and instead it was a regional railway system connecting Manchester to Liverpool and Leeds. There is a bit of me, right,

when I've seen this happen and people going, they are forgetting about the north, and I'm like, welcome to being Scottish, man. I'm done, I'm out Scottish, man. I'm done. I'm out. Let's all go to Japan. Like a student also. Do you even believe them? Because they're saying that the 56

billion, which is not going to be spent, is going to be used for the Northern network. I don't believe them unless they put it on the side of a train. Exactly. Fortunately, the trains will be moving slow enough that you'll be able to read it.

I guess, Susie, it's not a great surprise you're from Scotland. We haven't managed to finish the rail line to Manchester. We haven't even finished the wall that's supposed to keep you... They've said all the places in the north that they're going to fix and help with all the money that they're saving, and one of those places in the north is Somerset. Which is news to me.

There was some good news for Manchester, though, because amongst these new transport plans just announced, the government has pledged that the Metrolink will be extended to Manchester Airport. As locals to this area, can you tell me

to the nearest mile how long an extension will this entail? It already exists. Correct. My only way of... Maybe they want to build on top of it. Like a line which goes on top

and we have simultaneous train delays. Simultaneous train delays. I mean, that's the thing. Just because there is a train line that goes there doesn't mean you can get there by train. Now, according to a map released to show these new transport links across the north of England that I'm sure all our audience here in Manchester

are very excited about... CHEERING ..what other exciting new project can Manchester look forward to? Oh, is it that Manchester is going to be moved 17 miles north and to the west? Correct, yes. Yeah. According to the map, Manchester now

is in Chorley, where... LAUGHTER Where I live, which is, being rich is fantastic. I mean, it'd be even easier for me to get into town. LAUGHTER So, I mean, the cost of HST, I mean, it'd be even easier for me to get into town. So, I mean, the cost of HS2, I mean, it's sort of just make it up.

It started off, it was going to be, I think, 28 quid and then went up to 16 billion and is now, I don't know, four quadrillion or something. What do you think the money could have been better spent on? A single first-class ticket on the existing railway? I am quite concerned that no one's thought about Michael Portillo in all of this. Michael's just going to be sat on a National Express bus.

This is HS2, one of the UK's leading scientific research projects. A decade and ahalf-long £100 billion programme to find out if, by piling mistake on mistake on mistake, we can at some point prove conclusively for the world exactly how many wrongs do make a right. Let's move on to some of the keynote speeches at the conference here in Manchester.

This question can go to deliso and bethany who this week launched his bid for power with a brutally uncompromising attack on 13 years of conservative government so i don't was that supposed to be the question from the labour conference next week no i've got it on this week's script let's go this this was of course rishi correct who did a whole speech about how change is needed. I'm going to make a change. We need a change. We need a change. We're in power. But we need a change. Change, please.

It was wonderful. It was like he was trying to do his own version of It's a Wonderful Life. This is what the country could have looked like if the Conservatives had never existed. LAUGHTER What did you guys make of Sunak's masterpiece? The way he's going, yeah, you know,

Britain's broken, everything's broken. It's like a sort of bull standing in a china shop, kind of going, who the hell did this? It was when he kept going on about common sense, and I thought, I've seen you try to use a contactless card. This is... It was interesting that even before the speech,

when he said that Nigel Farage would be welcomed back into the Conservative Party, which, after listening to Sweller Braverman's speech, it's really nice to see that he's welcoming moderates now. LAUGHTER He did say politics was broken. What do you think could have given an

unelected Prime Minister, the fourth in a row to come to power without any sort of national mandate, who followed a Prime Minister who basically evaporated after 12 minutes, but is still allowed to plonk some of her buddies in Parliament for life? What gave him the impression that our politics might not be functioning as well as it...

After the last 44 years of politics, where they've been in charge for most of that time, at this point, they should have achieved everything they wanted to. So if things are broken, then I, if it was me, I'd start to go, hang on a second, maybe I'm the problem. I once got fired from 14 day jobs in a year, right? And at the end of that, I had to admit that, yeah, it was me, I was the arsehole.

Was one of them his education secretary? I was prime minister for three weeks. I mean, in terms of, you know of improving the conference experience for the neutral, I mean, would it be better if leaders had to give speeches at each other's conferences? So there's a kind of more genuine reaction. That would be magnificent. Just the carnage of bringing them up in front of a crowd where no one agrees with you, and you just, it's like you have to just try to get through it with all the jeering

and roasting. That would actually tell me who's worth electing. Oh, sorry, we're in the UK, no elections. Sunak announced plans to make young people do less of what but more of what? So less of one thing, more of the other. Can you tell me? Is this less

technical, more maths and English? That's on the right lines. Is it less smoking and more graffiti? You're half right. Is it less saying less when they mean fewer? And more saying fewer when they mean fewer. Yeah, sorry about that. Is it fewer smoking?

Yes, he wants fewer people smoking less. Less cigarettes. So smoking and more subjects at A-level. More math. Yeah. He's making it age-based and it's going to change every year. This is the proposition,

that the smoking age will change every year. This is too complicated for people at your off-licence to remember. I think just do it the Alton Towers way, make it height-based. the Alton Towers way, make it height-based. You are too short to buy cigarettes. I'm sorry.

Turn around. I would have been so much healthier if they had that. But it's going to be a year older every year you're allowed to buy cigarettes. So people who are like 14 now will never get to buy cigarettes. It goes up year by year by year. There is precedent here, because it also gets a year older every year when you can buy a house.

Yeah. I mean, it's meant to be the best days of your life, kind of being a teenager, and you just think, that sounds terrible. More maths, and no smoking. I mean, I've been smoking since I was about, I don't know, eight, so

I'm joking, I'm joking. See, if you were better at maths, you'd have got that right. I was too busy trying to get cigarettes out of the shop to go to maths class. You're also going to get all these people behind the camera, news agents, looking at someone, trying to figure out out of the shop to go to maths class. You're also going to get all these people behind the camera and news agents looking at someone trying to figure out if they're, like, 49 or 48. It's nonsense.

And then when you do get served first cigarettes, you'll be so offended. You'll be like, how dare you insinuate I'm 90? Yes, this was the Prime Minister's first speech to Tory conference as Prime Minister. Rishi Sunak, issued an inspiring twist on the famous pre-election conference rallying call, go back to your constituencies and prepare for opposition.

Sunak said that he was willing to be unpopular, and at last, a politician making a promise they may be able to keep. He stood by election festoon with the Conservatives' new slogan, Long-Term Decisions for a Brighter Future, which might be the first ever instance of a party jamming two screeching U-turns onto one podium. The new slogan defeated other candidates to be the Tories' slogan ahead of the next election, including complete debacles, getting worse,

grumble, fumble, crumble... LAUGHTER ..as well as, sorry, we've got nothing, and you can shove your future where the sun don't shine. He made up some claims about things Labour will do, all of which Labour, I guess, might do, especially if they do do things that they haven't said they'll do, which, to be fair, most governments do.

So maybe that was a fair criticism of things they haven't said they'll do. It's very confusing at this time of the year. I loved that. I thought that was great, because it was almost like they were going from a random policy generator of, OK, what are Labour going to do next? They're going to make you have seven bins. What's next? Labour are going to do next. They're going to make you have seven bins. What's next? Labour are going to ban Vera Lynn.

Keir Starmer is going to publicly execute Paddington. Moving on now. Home Secretary Suella Braverman invoked which legendary snooker player, when warning about the threat of global migration? A, Ronnie the Rocket O'Sullivan, B, Alex Hurricane Higgins, C, Ray Dracula Reardon,

or D, Terry, this issue requires a coherent global effort and sensitive, responsible rhetoric, Griffiths. It was obviously the hurricane. Correct. But to be fair, all of those will be correct if you just give her some time. Because every week, there's just like an increasing metaphorical escalation, right?

It was floods, now it's a hurricane. I'm expecting in a few weeks, there's going to be an earthquake of immigrants and there's going to be a volcanic eruption of Eastern Europeans flooding us. She's improvising.

What bothers me is she doesn't know what a hurricane is. She said the winds have turned into a hurricane. Hurricanes are round. They go back where they came from. And she also said the winds have turned into a hurricane. Hurricanes are round. They go back where they came from. And she also said the Human Rights Act is actually a criminal rights act. And I was like, oh, this is horrific. And I went to look at it, and it's like freedom of education and freedom not to be tortured.

Oh, the horror. And do you know the bit that really amazed me is when she was like, the hurricane. My parents came in a gust, but the hurricane's coming. And you know what? Some of them are gay. And I thought, oh, this isn't small boats now, this is a flotilla, isn't it? A flotilla that looks like the bus from Priscilla,

Queen of the Desert. It's just a pride march crossing the channel. And I think as a country, we would be like, yes. Come in and we will make Kylie Queen. Yes. Genuinely, that speech made Enoch Powell's River of Blood speech sound like the introduction meeting you get in an all-inclusive holiday. It was when that guy heckled and said,

you're making us look transphobic, and I thought, no, it's everything that you've done and said that's done that. All of it. But it's almost like that's the only new part, because this is the same refrain it's been for the last 20 years, blame the migrants, but now they've added a little bit of identity politics, so there's still the boogeyman,

but the boogeyman's wearing lipstick. We've been the boogeyman for a long time, trust me. But this is the thing, as a trans woman myself, I think it's disgustingly woke that the BBC will have me on this show. But, look, someone had the courage to say it. Gravitase it now. You've taken me out of my busy schedule of going to the toilet. Ruining women's sport by attempting to play.

And getting people fired for using the wrong pronouns. That's basically what we do all day in our ivory towers, because we're the true elites, apparently. Clearly a threat to British society. Look at you. Apparently I'm the most terrifying thing you can find in a bathroom. Do you know that? You see, now, I would have thought it would be, you know,

a venomous snake with a taste for human genitalia. That would be a far more terrifying thing to... I mean, and just when you look at the statistics alone, like, you're safer in a bathroom with a trans person than a member of Girls Aloud. One for gays, there. Swallow Bradman likes to talk about coming down hard on people without always matching up to her rhetoric,

but what did she actually come down hard on at the Tory conference this week? Is this a deleted scene I didn't see? LAUGHTER I know he said hard on, but that's not what he meant. Is this the guide dog? Yes. She stepped on a guide dog? Yes.

Exactly! She probably thought it was a Gestapo protester. That's what she probably thought. And it's spread around the world, clearly the news, because in America, Biden's dog has been chased out because it bit staff members.

So now the dogs are unionising. People were asking why the dog didn't move when she stood in it, but it was already where it was supposed to be because it had already come to where all the dog whistles were. Yes, in what was described as her most humane had already come to where all the dog whistles were. Yes, in what was described as her most humane and kind-hearted moment of the conference. Suella

Brabman trampled on someone's guide dog. Yes, Suella Brabman, once again, has stoked the fires of dissatisfaction in this country by warning of an immigration hurricane, confirming her status as the figurehead of the delusionist wing of the Conservative Party.

So does Bradman have even a scintilla of a point lurking in there? After all, let's not forget, even a stopped henge is right twice a year. If you're standing at the right angle for the right minute and have ideally been up all night and around with your mind on psychotropic substances well clearly this is a big global problem and we must surely ask when is at least one other country going to do its bit after all from the ukraine refugee crisis we in britain have taken all 200 000 of the 6 million refugees forced out of uk. That is literally

every single one of the ones that we've taken, and arguably more than that if you ignore all the ones that have gone to other countries. From the Syrian war, remember that, we've taken 100% of a fifth of a percent of the overall number of refugees who have fled. Why is it always us? When is someone else going to step up to our plate? It's not much to ask after inventing all those sports for the world, is it? I also have a five-point plan for dealing with

this huge global issue. It is a very, very difficult issue, but I have concocted a five-point plan that I'm willing to share with any political party to deal with the global migration crisis. Point one, quite simple, end all war, poverty, hunger, suffering, persecution and inequality. I haven't really costed it out.

It might be a bit woke to sell us a policy these days. Point two, build a moat. We have tried that one. Point three, tag all 7.8 billion potential illegal asylogrants who are on the verge of hurricaning their way over here so that we can see when they're massing outside the White Cliffs of Dover. Point four, use New Zealand, it's massive. And point five, crucially, change the entire nature of the human psyche.

Because this is what is driving the global migration crisis, this evolutionary flaw in our brains, which means that if we live somewhere bad, we want to move to somewhere less bad. Well, that brings the end of our Conservative conference round. Quite a long round. Gave us quite a lot to talk about. And let's call the scores nil-nil

to summarise the entire pointlessness of party confrontation. We will finish now, since we're here in Manchester, a city famed for its music, we're recording in a music venue here, we're going to have a music round, but without music in it. We're going to focus on lyrics of songs that our panellists have to update to tell us a story from this week's news. So, Susie and Hugo, can you update this lyric?

What are you going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside your... OLEDs. I'm going to put it in my orbital low-littering zone because it's space junk. Correct. Yes. Wait till Lawrence Fox hears about

this. Oh aye. These space fascists. Yes, that's a thing isn't it? Space junk. This is now a thing that a company get fined for their satellite was meant to be 176 miles away from Earth but it was only

something like 76 so they get fined. That is how far the woke agenda is really going. It's going to other galaxies. How bad have we got that now space is full? Space is just, it's another word for the absence of stuff. I can't believe

that we have now got people in space who are like the guy you get at the tip that follows you round from bin to bin when you go to put your TV in one skip and he's like, no! It's that skip! And he makes you take all your rubbish

to the other side. We've got somebody doing that for a job. How many seagulls are there now in space? That's the thing that I want. What we need is floating bins. Floating coloured bins. But how many? How many? We better threaten this with seven.

You want them floating? They were fined $150,000 and the company has a $16 billion turnover. That's like going, well, the fine for drunk driving is now three pence. If they got fined for just the litter of like One satellite in space Imagine how much they find Luke Skywalker Space is now just so full of stuff that's been up there for decades

So that's the thing, if you went up there you'd probably find like fax machines It's like your mum and dad's attic when they go to move house Yeah you go up there and you find like Magazines from the 70s Amazing Japanese soldiers still fighting the war, you know. Angela Rippon. It's weird you should say that, Susie,

because when I cleared out my parents' attic, I found a 1950s Soviet dog in there. when I cleared out my parents' attic, I found a 1950s Soviet dog in there. Yeah, the US government has slapped a $150,000 littering fine on a satellite company for leaving one of its satellites just lying around in space. Space junk is an increasing problem

for this old planet of ours, with our orbit cluttered up with bits of assorted metal. Of an estimated 10,000-plus satellites blasted into space since the 1950s. Over half have now retired from satelliting and are just milling around up there. There are 25,000 bits of space junk plinking around, leading to concerns there might not be space

for all the billionaires. Religious experts also fear that up to 37% of all prayers now get deflected by space junk. And either reach the wrong deity or no deity whatsoever. This has brought a significant knock-on impact on sports results and the percentage of lost pets found.

Next music question to Deliso and Bethany. It's not easy being green. Words famously sung by one K.T. Frog, the great American philosopher, states amphibian and crooner. But where in the UK have Sir Kermit's words been particularly relevant this week? Oh, I know this one.

It's in Loch N's Lough Neagh. Correct. Just outside Belfast, which is now so full of algae, it's now become an American tourist attraction because they've gone to see it, even their lakes are green.

I actually would argue that it's not the amount of algae that's the problem. It's the frequency of the algae. They clearly have a bad algae rhythm. This has affected half the population of Belfast drinking water, hasn't it? The question is,

what half? Because the other half are going to be livid. I mean, historically they've been fine with only 50% of the town having something now, haven't they? is what half? Because the other half are going to be livid. They're missing out. Historically, they've been fine with only 50% of the town having something now, haven't they? True. My favourite bit was the Department of Agriculture, Environment and Rural Affairs said Loch Ness problem is a complex

multi-factorial issue that will take years, if not decades to solve. So unusual for Northern Ireland. I think this has basically, though, been caused by one too many journalists from The Guardian going there to write articles about freshwater swimming. This is nature's way of fighting back.

This is Loch Neagh, the largest freshwater lake in the UK, located in Northern Ireland. It's currently overwhelmed with toxic so-called blue-green algae. But it's not actually algae. It's caused by some woke bacteria. But, you know, for me, I think algae is algae and bacteria is bacteria and I don't like things being confused. Northern Ireland does still not have a functioning government

after, I think, 19 months now, and that's not proving to be the dreamy utopia it might appear. Other factors include sewage, fertilisers, weather, and I'm just hearing from a source within the Conservative government, people using different pronouns. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. And let's call the scores five all,

because in the week of the Tory conference, it seems only appropriate that there should be no winners. I've been Andy Nolteman. Goodbye. Goodbye. I've been Andy Zaltzman, goodbye. Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.