Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 8th January 2021

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

This week as 2021 stumbles, blinking into the daylight, Andy is joined by Zoe Lyons, Catherine Bohart, Geoff Norcott and Alun Cochrane. On the agenda, the concept of democracy, lockdowns, schools, and the Oxford comma.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard, Charlie Dinkin and Celya ABProducer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. The year 2021 is barely even a week old and it already has a lot of questions to answer. Welcome, therefore, to the News Quiz. Hooray! has a lot of questions to answer.

Welcome, therefore, to the News Quiz. Hooray! Yes, we are just one week into 2021, the short-awaited sequel to 2020 here. In the UK, a school term has been defined in England as a time unit lasting seven hours. In America, former Bugsy Malone child actor Scott Bio has called for the president to impose

martial law. There is a sentence I'd never envisage myself saying. And meanwhile, obviously, Denmark is tearing itself apart over the launch of a children's cartoon about a man with a ten metre long dingle dongle with which he of course attacks an escaped lion. So, the first question of the news quiz this new year,

and this goes to all of you listening at home, is... ..answers on a postcard. And whilst you think about that, let's meet our teams, your teams, today to get 2021 started. Firstly, team, when will it end? That's Zoe Lyons and Geoff Norcott. And they will be taking on team How Did It Start? who are Catherine

Bohart and Alan Cochran. And as you can hear, we do have a live audience courtesy of its highness, the internet destroyer of worlds. If our panellists at home lose their internet connection, they will lose points if they storm a democratic building and undermine everything our society stands for. We'll be really quite cross with them.

So, moving on now to question one, and this goes to both teams. Who really, really, really does not want to move house? Well, most men after eight years of marriage. That fits. That does fit. It wouldn't be Donald, would it? It would, correct. Yes, that's the first point of the year. Yeah, he hasn't taken it well, has he? I think it's fair to say.

I think a glorious understatement in this world of exaggeration, Jen. Who would have thought he'd be a sore loser? I mean, it really goes against everything we've learnt about the gentleman over the last four years, doesn't it? It really does. I imagine that right now he's putting prawns and cream cheese behind every radiator in the White House. Sewing them into seams of the curtains.

It's so sad because when you think of the American Civil War, it's very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys were. And this time it's like, oh, it can all burn. I think I must have been in lockdown too long because I was watching it going, well, I think Washington must still be in tier two, you know, because some of the people... LAUGHTER

Some of the people entering that building, they haven't had forehead checks. I mean, they're saying the building's in lockdown, but I think they can still go for exercise and food shopping. So, you know, you've got to check gov.uk. It has been an unbelievable study in what white dudes can get away with, though. Like, when you compare it to any of the reactions,

like holding guns to black children when they ask for things like rights, the absolute red carpet that was rolled out for a bunch of genuine, hateful racists who want to undermine democracy as it functions in America is astounding. Like my mother doesn't put on that good a spread. Do you know what I mean? Something to behold. Alan, do you think, I mean, I guess your question we've got to ask is by repeatedly telling his supporters to riot and what time and where to do it, basically giving them a kind of save-the-date card as if it was some kind of marriage they were being invited to. Do we think Trump played any part at all in this happening

or was he just unlucky? Although he was clever enough, wasn't he, to not actually say riot. He said, let's walk down there, which it's just got that neutrality. It's a bit like Nice Carby, a shame if something happened to it. I actually disagree. Some of you are having to go with the protesters but i think hats off to them if i've never been in a riot but if i was going to be in a riot it wouldn't be in a country with as many guns as america i've thought about this and i think iceland when you're in the sort of full padded clothes, it would be a bit like it's a knockout, really,

like a sort of adult soft play centre. That's the place you want to do your intro riot, innit? Well, it depends if they unleash the anti-riot volcano. It did all make me realise just how British the Remain movement was. Do you know what I mean? It did all make me realise just how British the Remain movement was. They had that gigantic march for revoke, and everybody said, well, what if we don't revoke?

And they said, well, we'll hit you with a really great petition, that's what'll happen. Some of them did just look like really ambitious tourists, didn't they? That's basically what America is, isn't it? Difficult times for the media as well. When the story was breaking and the people were bursting in, I saw on the BBC the woman was speaking to a gentleman reporter. He said some of the protesters were asked to stop and, I'll be honest, they used the worst swears.

I think there will be people who die because of what Trump insinuates or doesn't. Like the fact that, yes, OK, Alan's right. He was like, oh, let's just go for a walk and see what happens. But he did also wait two hours, I think, before he tweeted to essentially say,

oh, we're the party of law and order after the violence and disorder began over his attempt to break the law. It was like, oh, dude, you can't wait two hours. And then said at the end, which really made me feel like I was watching a bad Irish mother, he said, you are loved

and you are special. And I just thought, this is how men get out of hand. Those men will not be good partners. Stop it, Trump. There was a moment at the rally earlier in the day that he held when he described the election results as bullshit and the crowd then started chanting bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. At which point, I believe, the concept of irony held a press conference and announced its retirement, saying,

My work on earth is done. I've achieved more than I could possibly have dreamed of achieving. A quick follow-up question. Obviously, we don't always get the results we want in life. What results do you still refuse to recognise? For me, one is the 1990 World Cup semi-final, and I still can't quite get over that. And two is the Battle of Hastings.

I think the Normans were offside when the keen match-winning arrow was shot. Look at the tapestry. It's clearly got an armpit over the line. So what results are you refusing to acknowledge? The primary school closures, I've still been taking my son there every day, I just leave him at the gates and I go back at 3.30 and he looks like he's learned something. Zoe, any results that you're refusing to recognise? I'm still very bitter about an egg and spoon race I did at Prime Risk.

Probably about 78, 79. Apparently Theresa won it, but I was demanding a photo finish of that long ago, an etching finish. Yes, this is indeed the story of the United States of America once again under attack from one of its oldest, fiercest enemies, the United States of America. We left you back in October on a series-ending cliffhanger, the presidential election.

A quick catch-up for those of you who have been waiting to find out what happens. The winner was, we can now exclusively reveal, Joe Biden, albeit he only won if you actually counted the votes and do not ignore all the failed legal cases confirming the election was, we can now exclusively reveal Joe Biden, albeit he only won if you actually counted the votes and do not ignore all the failed legal cases confirming the election was valid Donald Trump's heroic efforts to set a new Guinness World

Record for the longest continuously running tantrum, like a sourdough starter of resentment no signs of ending and he's proved himself once again to be both a coward and a despot, if you will, a chicken Caesar. On the plus side, there is now less than two weeks to go of this American carnage, but looking at the long term,

that silver lining is made of uranium and the cloud is mushroom-shaped. Two points to Team When Will It End, one point to Team How Did It Start. Some breaking news just coming through and more international reaction to the dramatic events in the United States. Chinese President Xi Jinping has announced a National Day of Giggling. Three bonus globally unnoticed crackdown on democracy in Hong Kong,

so they're absolutely loving it. And Margaret Atwood has announced that she's to rewrite her hit dystopian novel, A Handmaid's Tale, admitting, I might have underplayed it. So let's move on now, let's come back across to the correct side of the Atlantic. Who has been accused of very literal short-termism? Presumably this is Mr Johnson and his very short-lived school term.

Yes. I quite liked it. The PM essentially, well, not for the first time in his life, said one day there was an adequate level of protection and then the next day said, so there wasn't protection. And as with all his previous mistakes, it's the kids who suffer, you know, Andy? Look, Andy, we all know that my main role here

is to congratulate the government on what a fantastic job they're doing on everything, and I'd like to just make that point first and foremost. And I am sympathetic to the government recognising that primary school education has a different status in developmental terms. However, I just don't know what would have needed to change in that one day to have taken

any sort of different course. I thought would the kids have discovered a new vaccine from Pritt Stick and Glitter or would they realise that sand pits give you a high level of immunity and the worst thing Andy, is that being a former

teacher, now with homeschooling, I think my wife's expectations are a bit unrealistic. You know? She's like, OK, Jeff, this is your time to shine. I'm like, babe, I taught supply in Luton, right? Now, unless you want to see him in a chokehold, I suggest you get somebody else in. But aren't you currently an entertainer, Jeff?

Couldn't you at least keep them laughing? Laughing and learning, Catherine. That was always my motto. The thing was, Catherine, he proved that he's got a very weird sense of priorities because he does actually like school. He's done his first time last year. And I got him up in the morning and said,

look, son, the Prime Minister has spoken to the nation. I'm afraid you're not going to be going back for quite a few weeks, right? And he paused, he looked into the distance and he went, so I had a bath last night for nothing. LAUGHTER What an angel! I do, though, like, part of me hopes there was some sort of secret contract and teachers were told the day before

and that actually all that one day was was for teachers to have a moment with their students to sort of be like, OK, lads, huddle in. We're not going to be seeing each other for quite some time. Look at me. Listen to me. No matter what dad says, colouring is not the same as maths. Television does not basically do the same thing as reading. And a teacher doesn't need a drink at noon. I'm loving listening to Gavin Williamson, though. He's like a sort of Wallace and Gromit villain, isn't he?

When Boris was asked whether he was the right person for the job, clearly he's not. He's performed more U-turns than me trying to navigate myself around Milton Keynes. He's very cleverly said he's doing the job to the best of his ability, which you could... He is. He's got no ability, mate. He's got absolutely no ability.

It's like me trying to play football. She's doing it to the best of her ability. I've just tripped over myself and knocked out all my teeth. The best of her ability. That is the best of her ability. Personally, I think school terms are like cricket matches. They should go on for as long as possible. But, you know, if one day is all you can manage, I guess that's better than nothing.

But what other things do you think should only be allowed to open for one day at a time? Oh, that's a good question. Supermarkets. So let's find out what panic buying really looks like. Campsites. Alan, flesh out there. Campsites. Why campsites? there, campsites. Why campsites? Well, if you're going to open a campsite for one day, you get there, you unpack the tent, you put it up,

you have a row, and then you put it back down and you go home and sleep in a house. I was about to do a joke about Gavin Williamson, then I realised I'd be breaching my contract as a pro-Tory comic, so I'm going to have to back off from that one. But, yeah, what else should be open for one day a year? I think Gavin Williamson's mouth, basically, on recent evidence. He's not...

Bloody Tories. Oh, it feels good, Andy, it feels good. This is how bad it's got, though, with ministers now. I found myself... I actually said this out loud to myself in the kitchen the other day. I went, I think I miss Jeremy Hunt. That's how bad it's got. I think I miss him. I miss him a little bit.

You know, he was bad, we split up for various reasons, but, you know, now I can see his old points. I think he can think a thought through to the end, and, you know, that's quite important to the minister, possibly. Yes, there's indeed the school shutdowns. Gavin Williamson, Education Secretary of all of our hearts, channelled his inner Alice Cooper and announced that school's out possibly until summer.

Alice Cooper and announced that school's out possibly until summer. So three million children went to school for one day, presumably to try to trick the virus into following them like an inverse Pied Piper of Hamelin before running off and slamming the school gate shut with the virus trapped inside. Entirely the weirdest strategy we've had a go at yet. Another lockdown-related question now. What is due to make a comeback this week?

In fact, the clap. The clap is back. You mean the NHS clap and not the STD clap, don't you? Yes. OK. You're not happy about this, Alan? I just, like everybody, I did the applause for the NHS last time, but unlike apparently everybody else,

I'm a fan of nuance and detail and just... You're living in the wrong century. The fact that it's just the NHS without any detail of how far back we're going. So what I did, I decided to compromise. I applauded every week, but I walked into the street and shouted, this is not for Dr Shipman. This is not for Dr...

LAUGHTER What about this kind of third lockdown? Any new plans for how to try to get through it? I've just sort of given up, which is such a relief. I fought against the last two. I was angry, I was agitated and I was bored and now I'm broken and I'm just so much happier. And I've given up thinking I'm going to learn a language

or pottery or carpentry or crochet or archery, which is difficult in the flat, I'll be honest. I've been through several cats. Eating ice cream out of a tub with a shovel. It's so much better than thinking you're ever going to achieve anything or better yourself. You're not not i'm 49 years old if i haven't bettered myself by now it ain't going to happen it's as good as it gets if anything i've peaked and we're on the slide down i was thinking one thing andy like you know if this thing seems like it's going to go to march

or april there'll be a lot of people that will have been furloughed for a whole year. And when they go back to work, they might need to re-acclimatise. So, you know, like with primary schools, when you drop your kids off and you wait there a while, there's going to be lots of anxious partners standing in the car park going, I just think I'll wait for a while. He's been a bit up and down. I mean, we have had toileting issues.

Basically, he's stopped walking to the toilet. He just does it on the couch. He's been a bit up and down. I mean, we have had... We have had toileting issues. Basically, he's stopped walking to the toilet. He just does it on the couch. He's exhausted. Personally, this third lockdown, I've got a big poster of Raquel Welsh on my wall and I'm burrowing my way out into my own garden with a tiny rock hammer. Yeah, so, well, we are back in lockdown.

The glimmer of hope is the vaccines. It has, sadly for us on this show, it's turned out that laughter is not the best medicine. Vaccines are better than laughter. And on the subject of vaccines, we have a question from a member of our audience today. Is Karen available to deliver her question about vaccines? Hello, I'm here.

Hello. Hello, Karen. My question is, given the shortage of glass vials for the vaccines, could pint glasses from closed pubs be repurposed? Or are there any other items, glass or otherwise, that could be repurposed for the vaccine? It would have to be a shot glass, Karen, surely. Karen, I think you're giving up on a fundamental hope of the British people.

We'll need those glasses again. I feel like that's spoken like a Karen who does dry January. Do you know what I mean? We can't have that kind of attitude. No, no, no. There are better alternatives as well, surely. Yeah, those little bottles that you get hotel miniatures in. Yes.

Personally, I'd go for Lancaster bombers. Just blast vaccine from the sky. Just get everyone to stand outside their houses. Open mouth, looking to the skies. I mean, there was that issue earlier, a couple of days ago, where they were saying that, you know, at that point, they weren't having seven-day deliveries of the vaccine, which you'd think, you know, in a global pandemic,

someone might have thought, we should probably have this going every day. And I think it's a very hard sell, not least when we're living in an era where you can get same-day delivery on a toaster. LAUGHTER Not least when we're living in an era when you can get same-day delivery on a toaster. I did the foolish thing of using that vaccine calculator the other day to see where I was in the queue. I'm number 38,472,000. I was like, I won't stay on hold for that.

So that brings us to the end of that round. Team When Will It End, Zoe and Geoff have four. Team How Did It Start, Alan and Catherine have five. And here's a question on the ever-popular subject of Ian Duncan Smith. Why, this new year, did Ian Duncan Smith wish he was 21 again? Was he just getting nostalgic about freedom? Well, that's heading towards it.

The correct answer was because of Brexit. He wished he was 21 again so he could enjoy Brexit. He encouraged British people to be out there buccaneering, trading, dominating the world again. I mean, he was 21 in 1975, shortly before

the first Brexit referendum, so presumably maybe he wishes he was 21 so he could be looking forward to four and a half decades of EU citizenship and rights. But we don't know. We just don't know. Less likely, I suspect. How's the first week of post-deal Brexit been for you all?

I'll tell you this one, Andy. OK, Geoff, dive in. The FTSE's up, the pound is a year high against the dollar, and the chaos at the ports hasn't materialised. Did you want a comedy answer, or just want to...? No, does that mean it's a success? Well, it's going all right. But I remember there's a quote, wasn't there,

from one of the leading lights of the Chinese Communist Party that said about the French Revolution, it's too early to tell. And that was 200 years after the French Revolution. So basically what I'm saying is if my son ever listens to this in the future, A, you're welcome, or B, if it hasn't gone well, I'm afraid you can't judge me till I'm dead is if my son ever listens to this in the future, A, you're welcome or B, if it hasn't gone well, I'm afraid you can't judge me till I'm dead. Sorry, mate.

Well, it is too early, particularly with the referendum series locked tantalisingly at one all. It seems to have gone alright so far, doesn't it? But the reports were quite quiet because it was post-Christmas and people had stockpiled in case there were problems. But there were still lorries that turned up going from Wales, I think, to Ireland that had to be turned back because they didn't have the right paperwork.

You think, did they not know? When they find out about the pandemic, they're really going to have a shock, huh? They clearly haven't been watching the news. It is quite funny that in the same week as the first reclamation of borders for Britain, every country in Europe promptly banned entry. It was like, oh, gorgeous, yes, please. Ian Duncan Smith, exhorted our entrepreneurs to be out there buccaneering, trading and dominating the world again, and the rest of the world heard those words, turned to each other nervously and said, nail everything down.

Absolutely everything down. They must have some new museums and they want them filling up. But I guess the important thing is... The important thing is, I mean, it is a bit early one week in to judge if it's success or failure, but a deal was done no matter what the deal was. A deal's a deal. As Shakespeare said, we have jumped the floating ship

and we will now ride the shark fin of freedom across the smooth, smooth oceans of history. And Boris Johnson said this. He said, this government does not want to be defined by the portmanteau words COVID and Brexit. And similarly... I'm sure the 19th century cricket legend WG Grace wanted to be fined not by his cricket and his beard,

but by his squirrel sanctuary and penge and an album of Bananarama covers he put together in his bedroom. But history doesn't work like that. Our next round is a money round, and the question to lead us off is, who has not been on the money on the money, so to speak? Oh, is this the designer? Yes. Correct, Alan.

This is a story about a money designer who drew an HG Wells coin, and his tripod has four legs. Yes. Now, I don't know if we've got any maths experts in the audience or any linguists that can guess the problem with the four-legged tripod. But, yeah, people don't like that. And I can totally understand it because, for some reason,

a four-legged baddie is not as scary. I don't know why. It's as soon as you think of four legs you think table and that's just not frightening. But weirdly, if you think of three legs, you think milking stool and that's not scary either. But tripods, for some reason, are scary. Is that the answer?

It's a bit odd, like, calling out inaccuracies when you're already dealing with fictional aliens. Yeah. You know, it seems like quite... It's like when you're watching Avengers and your mate goes, hang on, they can suddenly breathe on that planet. A minute ago, they were wearing masks. You're like, yeah, and how comes Hulk can increase his body mass

without getting stretch marks? Just watch the film, mate. Do you know what I mean? It is a big blunder, though, isn't it? The tripod, the Triffids. It's like giving the Daleks Clark's shoes or something. I just don't know that, like... And I do hear what you're saying. I just don't know how anybody has the energy to be angry about it, though.

Like, I'm like, yeah yeah tripods should have three legs people shouldn't eat bats you're like yeah we're all stop having it but like also genuine question who's still using cash yeah like a two pound coin if it's over 30p get your card out what are you doing like there's a pandemic i had exactly the same thing i don't judge coins by the numeral value anymore i judge them by how well will they sharpen to throw at the hordes of starving rioters in a couple years time i don't like that you made that a logical progression of my sentence. People got angry about the hat. Apparently the hat for the invisible man is the wrong hat.

Now, if I was the designer, I would have said, yeah, but I got the man right. Can't see him anywhere on it. This is a story about the Royal Mint and their £2 coin in tribute to sci-fi pioneer HG Wells, old heavy goods himself. And it's an interesting fact about the HG Wells coin. If you put it in a supermarket trolley, the trolley travels backwards through time and you can pay for everything at 1920s prices.

But you lose your nectar points. Tough thing. Not the first coin there's been trouble over. The commemorative Brexit 50 pence coin was also the source of some disapproval for the omission of the so-called Oxford comma after the word prosperity in the slogan Peace, Prosperity and Friendship with All Nations, although it should be noted that the Oxford comma is only 70% successful.

Well, that brings us to the end of the show and the final result is to be determined following a series of legal challenges, and we will inform you in a couple of months' time. Thanks to our panellists, Alan Cochrane and Catherine Bohart and Zoe Lyons, and Geoff Norcott, just time for a quick bit of breaking news. Rishi Sunak has announced that to compensate

for the cancellation of Christmas 2020, he's brought forward Christmas 2067 to April of this year. The Chancellor explained, I don't know how the people in 2067 will deal with it, but they haven't complained when I've nicked all their money, so I reckon we can get away with it. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Zoe Lyons, Geoff Norcott, Catherine Bohart and Alan Cochran. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Shepard, Charlie Dinkin and Celia A.B. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.