Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 1. Checked Facts & Unfettered Fictions

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

This week on The News Quiz, Andy Zaltzman is joined by Geoff Norcott, Paul Sinha, Angela Barnes and Anushka Asthana to unpack the week's new stories. The panel look into Donald Trump's international ambitions, Keir Starmer looking ahead to the not-too-distant, yet not-too-close future, and the relentless interjections to British politics from Elon Musk.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Jade Gebbie, Christina Riggs Mike Shephard, and Angela Channell. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Pete Strauss. Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. 12 stories of extraordinary young people from across history. There's a real sense of urgency in them. That resistance has to be mounted, it has to be mounted now. Follow History's Youngest Heroes wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, before we start this new series of The News Quiz, I just have to open this legal letter that we've just received. Dear Mr. Zoltzman, please cease and desist any suggestions that I, Liz Truss, was once Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. My seven-week residency in Downing Street can by no objective means be described as being Prime Minister. Furthermore, you are hereby instructed to acknowledge that,

whilst I was in Downing Street, I had no control of events. Your sincerely, former Prime Minister Liz Truss. PS, I preferred Sandy Toxvig. Zing! Welcome to a new year of the News Quiz! APPLAUSE Hello, I'm Andy Zoltzman, and welcome to the News Quiz Review of the Year, so far. LAUGHTER

Ugh! Well, that's it. That is our Review of the Year so far, which actually puts it well above average for a year in the 2020s. Our teams this week, we have Team Hope against Team Mope. On Team Hope, we have Angela Barnes and Paul Sinner. And on Team Mope, Jeff Norquat. And from ITV News, Anushka Asthana. Right, and our first question can go to Paul and Angela.

Prime Minister Keir Starmer this week announced a new partnership between what and what? Is it Angela Barnes and Paul Sinner? LAUGHTER This is his plan to basically save the NHS from privatisation by using the private sector. Yes, clever, that, isn't it? It is very clever. He's laid out his plan for the NHS.

That's what's happened to cut waiting times. And it was quite interesting. He said he wants more treatment outside of hospitals, presumably still in a medical setting, though. I don't think we're quite at the stage of getting appendectomy at Claire's accessories. But I think it's... Well, as you hope you know by now,

I have skin in this game on two fronts. Number one, I used to be a doctor, and it's estimated I saved the lives of over 5,000 patients by giving up a career in medicine. LAUGHTER I've seen my dreams are comedy. But secondly, I've not been a well man. I mean, I've already had Parkinson's disease,

but since I was last doing the news quiz, I've had two heart attacks, angiograms two MRIs Ultrasound seven x-rays a cardiac bypass operation and let me tell you now you have not lived You've been sat in a bed on a ward in St George's hospital and had a man ring his wife and her on speakerphone and you hear her bellow at the top of a voice Across the ward odd thing is he's the chaser I've always hated of a voice across the ward. Odd thing is he's the chaser I've always hated. And also several months of speech therapy as well which has been partially successful. It's mostly successful and occasionally there's... and I'm on, it seems, a hundred waiting lists and

my experience of this and my family's experience, nothing's actually changed. These promises have been taking place for a long, long time and this is fundamentally a PR exercise. But what I will say is part of the things that hasn't changed is that the private sector has been involved in the provision of healthcare for a long, long time and still does now. And despite being an ideological lefty, I think this is the time to accept that the NHS is so vast that a patient actually receiving treatment within six months of a diagnosis, they're not going to worry about the ideological nature

of what they're doing, they're just happy to be treated. And I think this is a way, I genuinely believe, as long as we don't look at privatization by stealth as something that may happen, and we look at the private sector as something that can help the NHS out. I think this is sensible. The problem is this has been promised for a long long time so although this is a news story because it's happened this week it's not really a news story because they've been

saying it for decades now. I think I mean I'm also an ex healthcare professional I'm an ex nurse I wasn't a good one I know that because when that pandemic happened not one of my nurse friends suggested I go back to it. Incidentally, by the way, we both trained at the same place. Which is a damning indictment on that institution. I mean, the problem is it is really important, but the person announcing it was Keir Starmer. I just can't get past the first five words that he says. Whatever he says, I can't get past the first five words that he says. Whatever he says, it's like... Oh, man.

What has he said? He said that by 2029, 92% of patients will be seen within 18 weeks. It's not that sexy, is it? But that was Josh Whitacombe, wasn't it? It was, it was Josh Whitacombe. I mean, that also sounded like one of those stats. You know when they advertise hairspray and they go, 80% of women said this improved 40% of their face?

It's just... I mean there's no money. I think we need to look at creative situations, right? We're not going to get... they've already given more funding. There's no more going to come. I think we need to get product placements into diagnosis, you know? They say look, we looked at the x-ray, here's a break, have a break, have a Kit Kat. That's what we say. Unfortunately, you have less than 12 months to live, but you know what does live longer? Washing machines with Calgon. Anushka, the politics of it, a week into the new year, every single year it seems to start with bickering about the health service.

Well, it is very bad at the moment. I think West Street's health secretary said he was ashamed and distressed by some of the things that we've been seeing around the country. I mean one of the things people are talking about is whether the target that you mentioned, 92% of people having planned care within 18 weeks, which now you say it is quite a thing to get your head around, actually diverts all the attention away from other areas because they're so focused on this one thing which is elective care. What about mental health? Like where does the money come for mental health or what about other areas in the health service? What about A&E if they're focused on this? They're

already trying to say to us, Streeting, move stuff over from A&E. When it came out we spoke to an expert at the King's Fund and a couple of the things he said sort of made you think, okay, it's okay, but maybe not amazing. I think he said that one of the changes, which is more community diagnostic centres, is in the helpful but not game changing category. And as for patient choice, he's worried it's going to be a long wait at hospital A or a long wait at hospital B. I mean to get people on on board you've got this you know 92 percent seen within 18 weeks I think if you really want to get people on board that's be maybe a public vote for the eight percent who

will have to wait longer than 18. The NHS plan followed last week's announcement that what is going to be delayed until 2028? So this is the report findings into social care that West Streeting announced won't be announced until 2028 and I just it's difficult because it's a long way away and especially if you're an old person who's currently in need, 2028 seems far too far away to be you know waiting for results when you're in a position when buying long life milk feels optimistic. And social care is something, it's sort of the poor relation to the NHS. It blows my mind because it's something that will probably affect all of us at some point.

We're all living longer, we're all going to need it one day. You know, there's so many hundred year olds in this country now, the King's had to get a Moon Pig account to keep up with. The two big problems for old people I think is loneliness and it is also lack of spaces in social care which leads to bed blocking and increased waiting times and these things are all connected you know. So what we do, it's really simple Andy, is we turn weather spoons into old people's homes. Now hear me out, I don't know if you've been to the day room of an old people's home recently but it is frighteningly similar to a

Wetherspoon. I just think that in a Wetherspoons, let's just say your family's more likely to visit you if they can get a pint for £2.50. I think yeah, loneliness is a good point, it should be tax breaks, incentives, spending time with your relatives, Then everyone would be fighting over, having them over, they'd go, no, you had mum last weekend, mum, come to us, we won't even remind you when you repeat an anecdote.

Yeah, well, we'll have the TV up so loud, the kids' ears bleed. Right? In 2028, it's a long time, isn't it? It's just basically they've kicked it into the long grass, haven't they? They've sort of said, look, really, we got no money, and we're gonna try and put it in a bit of time where there

might be some money. We don't know how that money is gonna happen. The main way we do it probably is by getting people to go back to the office one day a week more and the economic rebound will be largely based to sandwich sales. It is definitely very disappointing that it has been pushed this back. I mean a lot of people you speak to in the sector would say some of the stuff in there is quite good and maybe things will happen but to wait till 2028. I started doing stuff journalistically on social care before 2010 when the system was already in crisis. Andy Burnham then who was health secretary came up with a plan and then a couple of Tory advisors were looking at it and they were like oh oh, let's call it the death tax. And then the whole of the 2010 election was about the death tax, plan dead.

Then in 2017, Theresa May basically lost her majority because she came up with an unpopular way to fix social care, but potentially quite a sensible one. And I think on that occasion, the Labour side called it the dementia tax. And it's just a political football and it has to stop being one. And I do think it is very disappointing that it won't be till 2028 that we get a solution. Although the government claims that as soon as they start getting in ideas from next year and they've put Louise Casey in charge of it, who's obviously a very impressive person, they will start implementing change. But also something to factor in is that the stats show that life expectancy in this country is actually coming down, so the longer they delay it

the easier it becomes. Well also the NHS is under huge pressure at this time of year because it is facing a quad-demic. Can any of you tell me what is a quad-demic? It's the reason why I spent all Christmas saying to people, oh, there's a lot going around. I wish people said that for other stuff. Like, you know, you say, I couldn't get up last night. There's a lot of it going about. I think it's four illnesses.

Flu, COVID, the one I had, norovirus before Christmas. And there was a lot going around. And there's another one that I can't remember the name. RSV. RSV, correct. For those that don't know, respiratory synchrovirus is the lungs, flu is mostly the lungs,

norovirus is very gastrointestinal, and COVID is brain fog. So obviously we need to try and unburden the NHS. Have any of you got any health tips for our listeners? I think wear a mask, not to protect you from germs particularly, but to disguise your face so you can rob all the echinacea from Holland and Barrett. Rather than blood pressure tablets just don't watch question time. Pray? Pray? Okay, well, I mean, that's quite cost effective as well, isn't it? Very.

And it's statistically slightly more effective than homeopathy. Yes, so to summarise, these are the ongoing repercussions of Pandora opening that stupid box and releasing all those stupid diseases into the world back in the day. With the NHS enjoying its annual winter spike from all those people who accidentally asked Santa Claus for a serious illness for Christmas, Keir Starmer has unveiled the latest government plan. The Elective Reform Plan is designed to revolutionise the NHS, creating high tech, high street diagnostic centres and giving patients a shoppers experience, which is a bit of a risk unleashing the British public's shoppers mindset on the NHS. People will be self-scanning their kidneys and putting

them through as potatoes because they think it'll work out cheaper. The government also plans to deliver two million extra appointments by the end of next year, although they'll probably massage the figures by counting a scene in the arches where Eddie has a fish finger removed from his nostril as an NHS appointment for everyone with a functioning radio. However, achieving these targets might be difficult with the ongoing staff shortages. The NHS currently has approximately 100,000 vacancies, so the solution, clearly, is to incentivise working for the NHS. If you qualify as a nurse or doctor or other healthcare professional, you get a free operation of your choice. Two birds, one stone. Increased reliance on the private sector has led to concerns that patients might be forced to bid for their own treatment as

the free market sort things out like they have so effectively with the railways, which has really worked. I think it's really sorted out the people who need to travel from the people who simply want to get to work or see their families. LAUGHTER World of Secrets is where untold stories are exposed. And in this new series, we investigate the dark side of the wellness industry, following the story of a woman who joined a yoga school, only to uncover a world she never expected.

I feel that I have no other choice. The only thing I can do is to speak about this. Where the hope of spiritual breakthroughs leaves people vulnerable to exploitation. You just get sucked in so gradually and it's done so skillfully that you don't realize. World of Secrets, the bad guru. Listen wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Moving on now with the scores at four points all, let's move across the Atlantic. Can either of our teams spot the odd one out from the following places and explain why it is the odd one out. Greenland,

Panama, Canada, Narnia. The answer is Panama because the others three are real places. Oh well it's not actually, it's Canada is the one out there, they're the only one that didn't beat England in a one-day international in the 1980s. It seems that Donald Trump has bizarrely lost the plot slightly, if such a thing can be believed because he did a speech where he claimed that he really wanted to put some pressure on Canada, Panama and in a big surprise Greenland and rather enjoyed the thought that all three of them may be sort of vassal states of the United States in the future. He hasn't thought things through there are 13 provinces and territories in

Canada, 12 in Panama and if you count Greenland as one, there's going to be a flag with 76 stars on it. 76 stars is more than it's a royal knockout. Denmark have come back, because Greenland is an autonomous part of the Kingdom of Denmark, and as Denmark have come back, it said Greenland's not for sale, but they are an autonomous... No one's asked Greenland what... It's like they're the kid in a divorce battle. No one's asked them where they want to be. They might quite willingly give up their sovereignty if they get a drive-through McDonald's.

I don't think they're Trump fans. Greenland have 100% literacy. You might argue that's easy when there's 190 words for snow but... Look, all right, let's just try and make some logic of this, right? In 1916, Harry Truman did make an offer for Greenland. It's not unheard of, of countries buying other countries, right? He also said about Canada, he said, you know, America and Canada together, imagine that. You know, once upon a time, we said, hey, England and Scotland together, imagine that. And we've been getting along famously ever since.

He's obsessed with windmills at the moment. He really attacked UK energy policy. Donald Trump said we had a very, very bad energy policy and that we needed to drill in the North Sea and we needed to get rid of all the windmills. And then he did a press conference and he to get rid of all the windmills and then he did a Press conference and he was going on and on about windmills He was talking about them being like littered dropped around the country and how he wants to get rid of them Whereas power stations are fine

Beautiful facts about greenland is the least densely populated region on earth Although it did get slightly more dense this week when Donald Trump Jr. arrived. Do you know that Denmark, right, sold the US the Danish West Indies in 1916? Now hands up if that's first time you knew that there was somewhere called the Danish West Indies. Okay, now hands up if you're worried that I'm gonna attempt the accent. Same. You're saying this has happened before but Canada is the second largest country in the world. You're saying this has happened before but Canada is the second largest country in the world. More than that if you've ever met a

Canadian you will know that there are very few things they feel more strongly about than a cheesy chips is acceptable food, b both the acting Ryans were born there and c they are not American. That is their absolute... APPLAUSE What they call it? Poutine. Poutine. That sounds really cultured, Poutine, but it's just cheesy chips. It's not just cheesy chips. Sorry, I've got to get my Newfoundland roots out here.

My mum's a Newfie and Poutine is not cheesy chips. It is curds with chips and gravy and dressing. Thank you. Right. Back in the 1940s and 50s, it was known as Starlene, not Poutine is not cheesy chips. It's curds with chips and gravy and dressing. Thank you. Right back in the 1940s and 50s It was known as Starling not Putin Yes, another week another journey into the anarchic splatter gun Jackson polycry that is Trumpian politics Donald Trump the renowned sex offender and fraudster Who is about to embark on a criminal rehabilitation program through which in an effort to get his life back on track he will be given a four-year work placement in the White House, raised the prospects of America conquering Greenland, Panama, Canada, the Gulf of Mexico, the Vatican City, Chad sounds

American and sundry chunks of foreign ania and elsewhere is still. He also reposted a video calling Benjamin Netanyahu a deep, dark puppy. Sorry, son of a bitch. I'm always getting that. Trump declined to rule out using military or economic coercion to bring Greenland and the Panama Canal under US control. He also proposed renaming the Gulf of Mexico as either the Gulf of America or Big Don's Super Splash Sea Park and all of that. Donald Trump is obsessed with American global reputation,

obviously enervated by America's reputation for turning up late to world wars, if anything seems to be over-correcting slightly. And of course, the Greenland has only itself to blame for attracting the lascivious eyes of Trump by having a capital called Nuke. And meanwhile, outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that Canada would become part of the United States. But, we should ask, what about the other way round? With the US rejoining Canada, it would become part of the Commonwealth again,

with King Charles as King. I mean, you know it makes sense, America. The scores are 8 to Angela and Paul and 10 to Jeff and Anushka. Moving on now, Jeff and Anushka, you can have this question. In this age of democratic apathy, who this week has been criticized for taking too much interest in British politics? It's that South African bloke, innit? You have to be a little more specific, don't you? Elon Musk, I mean, I think he's right.

There are people that like him. There are people, like what he does politically, that find what he says hostile and destructive. But can we just all admit he's a bit of a bellend, you know? Like, I'm just saying, if I'd have gone to school with him, I'd have done a bit of light bullying. I'm just... Politically, Anushka, you know, I'm a huge if I'd gone to school with him, I'd have done a bit of light bullying. I'm just Politically anushka, you know, I'm a huge fan of democracy to the extent where you know, I vote in every election around the world

Should we be worried as democracy fans about Steve the power apparently wielded by you know, I should definitely be. You know, I interviewed Jess Phillips about this this week after she was described as a rape genocide apologist by Elon Musk and an evil witch. And when I asked her about how it had made her feel, she sort of said, on the one hand, it's completely ridiculous what he's saying. And she just wanted to dismiss it. And then she sort of woke up to the fact

that he's got, what, over 200 million followers. And all of those people will have read these comments about her and it has influenced our politics. Some of it in ways that things that should have happened before now like they're actually now acting on the recommendations of the Alexis J inquiry but in other ways you know all these demands for a national inquiry that is entirely led by Elon Musk's comments on X. You know, when you talk to people in government, on the one hand, they were really worried and the initial instinct is you've got to be nice to America on all occasions. But over the weekend, they realized that the Jess Phillips stuff was really bad

and they decided to come out a bit stronger, which Keir Starmer did. But what they are really, really hoping, and I just don't think they're completely right on this, is that the people in Trump's orbit who are saying these things don't speak for Donald Trump, and therefore it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be really difficult with Donald Trump. But I think it is important to point out that Donald Trump did not slap Elon Musk down when he was asked about this. In fact, he basically said he's a great guy. I mean, he didn't repeat it either. I mean, what do you, what are you guys worried about Musk basically just taking over the whole of human conversation? I think he's a very interesting person from a pathological point of view because

he seems to have something I read a lot about recently called main character syndrome. That seems to be what he is. He sees himself as the main character in things that don't necessarily involve him. I mean for instance he's taken it upon himself to call us a nation that harbours pedophiles which would carry some strength until he realized that his deficit of a pedophile is anybody that got to the Thai cave before he did. And it strikes me, people paint him as a super villain. I don't think, unlike most supervillains, that's how he sees himself. I think he's the first Lex Luthor that genuinely believes they're Clark Kent. That's the delusion that he harbours. And I think from a pathological point of view,

he's an interesting case because it used to be that multi-billionaires didn't have ADHD. Now that they do, we live in a very different... he seems to be constantly needing a hit. And taking prescription ketamine. I think he's actually admitted to that. Oh he's admitted it. I didn't know I was allowed to say that. I'm pretty sure. Hang on, you could get prescription ketamine. In a bit. Paul, are you still legally a doctor? No, no, no. Okay, just asking for a friend. In fact, that's why I got kicked out.

It's quite a difficult moment this week, isn't it, for British Musk fans who are also British Farage fans, because he sort of came out against Nigel Farage. Because he said Nigel Farage wasn't fit to lead reform. And what I find quite interesting about that is he's completely misunderstood that for reform voters, Nigel Farage is reform. Like without Nigel Farage, they've got the campaigning clout of a camera. But in terms of Blink and You Miss It, it's just been such a ridiculously busy week. You miss a day off social media, then you find out that his dad is claiming that he wants to buy Liverpool FC.

Now, this does worry me because I'm a Liverpool fan, but if that's what his dad is saying, please Liverpool, carry on what you're doing and boycott the Sun. Imagine if he gets involved in British football, that would be awful, wouldn't it? Because I think the first thing he'd do is ban referees, because he doesn't like regulation and he doesn't like whistleblowers. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That would open up quite a big space in the five live schedule at six minutes past six on Saturday evening, certainly.

I'd like to see how he deals with a Liverpool FC that have got a bloke called Alisson in goal and a strike force called Mohammed and Darwin. Musk's father also compared the far-right provocateur and serial criminal Tommy Robinson with, strapping everyone, Nelson Mandela. I assume because both men have spent time in jail and neither has ever won the World Snooker Championship. By 2020's logic that's peas in the pod, so I've got a challenge for our panelists. Can any of you come up with a more absurd comparison between two people than Tommy Robinson and Nelson Mandela? James Corden and Jesus Christ. They got the same initials. James Corden looks like he might be quite good at woodwork

if you put his mind to it. James Corden's story was the most popular at Christmas this year. Moving on now to our final round. Deputy Emperor of the Universe Mark Zuckerberg has announced an end to what this week? Fact checkers. Yes, well, or fact.

Sorry, Facebook had fact checkers. Does that mean my auntie really was selling Ray-Bans? Yeah, I mean, Mark Zuckerberg, the boss of the social media tech behemoth meta, has announced that facts will be banned on all social media platforms. If I may misrepresent the story. Zuckerberg, of course, the 319-year-old professional hopscotch player, eats tadpoles for breakfast, is genetically 99% armadillo, and is a keen reader and writer of snooker-based erotica.

If only there was some way to verify those claims. Figures show that during the years in which MetaFacebook did use fact checking, up to 14 possible facts were found, of which as many as three were almost 100% true. So given that we now live in a post-fact universe, there are no more provable facts or disprovable fictions anymore. I'm going to set our panelists a challenge. I'm going to set our panelists a challenge. I'm going to give them a headline taken from a news story from this week.

They have to tell me statistically what percentage of a fact is in that headline. OK, so here is the first headline. This can go to Paul and Angela. Panic across the UK as nation is overrun by feral cats This is 1% true 1% and and what 1% or there were some links loose in Scotland, correct? Yes, and a pair of links that have been illegally released apparently running loose in the Cairngorms I think it was and they sent hunting dogs out to capture them these links But they mistakenly led the police

to a teenage virgin's bedroom. Yes, two lynxes were on the loose in Scotland. Thankfully, the missing lynxes were eventually recaptured before they were able to eat all 65 million plus inhabitants of the UK. I made it 2% of that story. That headline was fact, but I'll give you a point for it. Right, our final, with the scores tied at 13 all,

whoever gets this right will win the show. So the headline is, ancient Romans say we told you so as scrolls reintroduced. I'm going to say 1% again, 1.5. That's a good enough guess, isn't it? What are you going for? Well, considering I've got 1%, I think we could go 2% mathematically, that'd stand a fairly good chance of winning. It was 1.5%.

So this is the rollable laptop. So it's the CES... The Consumer Electronic Show. That's the one. And they've introduced this rollable laptop, which I wasn't that excited about because I thought surely every laptop's rollable if you put your mind to it. This was a massive technology conference in Las Vegas, the biggest of its sort of the year and not one of them thought to introduce a printer that works.

Right, well that means that the first show of the year has ended in a tie. How appropriate for a year in which almost certainly there will be no winners. Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. Until next week, goodbye. and Angela Channel. The producer was Rajiv Kauria and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, that has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains from history

and try to work out, were they evil or genius? Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed. But if, like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane. Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed. Yoga is more than just exercise. It's the spiritual practice that millions swear by.

And in 2017, Miranda, a university tutor from London, joins a yoga school that promises profound transformation. It felt a really safe and welcoming space. After the yoga classes I felt amazing. But soon that calm welcoming atmosphere leads to something far darker, a journey that leads to allegations of grooming, trafficking and exploitation across international borders. I don't have my passport, I don't have my phone, I don't have my bank cards, I have nothing. The passport being taken, the being in a house and not feeling like they can leave. World of Secrets is where untold stories are unveiled and hidden realities are exposed.

In this new series, we're confronting the dark side of the wellness industry, where the hope of a spiritual breakthrough gives way to disturbing accusations. You just get sucked in so gradually and it's done so skillfully that you don't realize. And it's like this, the secret that's there. I wanted to believe that, you know, that whatever they were doing, even if it seemed gross to me, was for some spiritual reason that I couldn't even understand. Revealing the hidden secrets of a global yoga network.

I feel that I have no other choice. The only thing I can do is to speak about this and to put my reputation and everything else on the line. I want truth and justice and for other people to not be hurt, for things to be different in the future. To bring it into the light and almost alchemize some of that evil stuff that went on and take back the power. World of Secrets Season 6 The Bad Guru. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.