Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 2. Cards revealed and Reshufffle

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Daliso Chaponda, Susie McCabe, Geoff Norcott and Ash Sarkar to break down the week in news. Expect discussion on the Labour Deputy Leader Election, the return of the Mandelson, strikes on Qatar, Russian drones in Poland and telepathic Google searches. Written by Andy Zaltzman. With additional material by: Simon Alcock, Carwyn Blayney, Ruth Husko and Alex Kealy. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound Editor: Marc Willcox A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman, four-time BBC Radio 4 News Quiz host of the year, which, given that I've been hosting it for five years, is a little bit disappointing. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that if you're in the UK, you can now listen to brand-new episodes of the news quiz, first on BBC Sounds, seven days earlier than anywhere else in the entire known universe. Just go to BBC Sounds, subscribe to Friday Night Comedy, and make sure you have push notifications turned on. that way you will never miss a new episode. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman, but welcome to the news quiz.

There's been another one of those weeks, you know, the ones where humanity as a whole really lets itself down. I think that's heading towards 200,000 consecutive weeks of underachievement, which is an all-time record. But what is that thing? Right, rolled up newspaper time. Oh, it was a Russian military drone. I thought it was a bit big for a wasp. Wasps don't usually have an eye-heart Vladimir sticker on them. Before our airwaves get invaded by another unwanted aircraft,

all the rage these days, let's begin this week's news quiz. Thank you. Hello. Later on in the show, we'll be teaching you how to write a birthday message to a friend that isn't going to seem really, really weird years later. it's surprisingly simple actually but first let's meet our teams and the head of the BBC's new series Earth which begins with the greatest mass extinction

in the history of our planet our teams this week pay tribute to things that are on the verge of extinction now so we have team Yanksy Finless Porpoise against team respect for international law on team Porpo's we have Jeff Norcott and journalist and author Ash Sarkar And on Team Law, Susie McCabe and Delisa O'Shea Ponda.

Right, let's begin with some UK politics. Who has been petering out this week? Well, is it Peter Mandelson? I mean, it's worth remembering with Mandelson, right? We had a US ambassador called Karen Pearce, who was doing a great job. There was clamour for her to stay, but they said, no, on your go.

Because we want to bring back the twice-sacced, pedo-adjacent man that they call the Prince of Darkness. The issue was his emails, right? And I was reading these emails, and he was saying, like, oh, my sweet, dear friend. And I was like,

I wouldn't even talk to my friends who aren't nonsense like that. He said as well, Delisa. He said they were embarrassing emails. No, an embarrassing email is when you do reply all and call you a boss a dickhead, right? Not cozy up to a known sex predator. I mean, it's so weird with Star Wars as well.

When he's coming, he said, there's been all this chaos for the Tories and there's no doubt the Tories left behind a shit show, but there's also no doubt now that Labor have developed their own cabaret of feces, haven't they? I mean, I don't want to get into cricket too early, Andy.

Oh, that's fine with me, Jeff. But it's a bit like the Tories posted a massive total, and everyone said there's no way Labor can chase this down. And they've gone full basball. Ten runs and over. A few wickets down, but I think they might do it. Also, like, Mandelson's clearly an unadvised person to have as a politician.

But part of me thinks, that's a good mate. I mean, he will stand by you, no matter. Prince Andrew and Peter Mandelson, I think they should start a podcast called No Sweat. Just a weekly show, just brush it off. It's a really inspiring weekly podcast. Whatever's happened to you, no swear, just brush it off. Go for a pizza, you're going to be fine.

You've still got, Blair popping up on the Middle East, Alistair Campbell is marshall in his army of centre his dance, Mandelson was back with Trump. Do you ever think our real deep state is New Labour? That's our real deep state. No matter what happens, at any given point, one of these pricks will pop up talking about stuff they didn't solve, made worse

or started in the first place. I love the fact that John Swinney, Scotland's First Minister was out there. So he'd been seeing Trump about tariffs and Scotch Whiskey and he had to stay at the Ambassador's House and I've just got this lovely picture in my head

of John Swinney and Peter Mandelson in bed like Bert and Ernie. Because that is exactly how they would both look. Peter's got a picture of himself at his side of the bed and John. She's get a picture of Nicola Sturgeon going, please

come back, Nicola. Please come back. Yes. Strange times politically. The becoming an intolerable embarrassment to the government before being inevitably sacked against specialist, Peter Mandelson, was inevitably sacked again. After becoming any guesses, yes, correct. Mandelton was Plank walked out of his gig as

ambassador to the USA after revelations about his past relationship with convicted sex offender, people trafficker and weapons-grade sleazocrat Jeffrey Epstein. Questions were raised over Mandelson's judgment and his continuing involvement with Epstein even after the Prince Andrew tolerating hobnobster had been charged with serious offences. But what did for the erstwhile MP for Hartlepool was the fact that he sent an unacceptably cringe-inducing birthday letter. That is not the British way. The very best, a cheap card from a motorway service station with a

happy birthday brackets. I think it's around now, isn't it? Hope to see you at some point in the next decade. Anything else is just odd. Mandelson would have known his time was up when Kirstarmer expressed full confidence in him at Prime Minister's question on Wednesday, after which there was absolutely no way back. Not entirely clear how Mandelson got through the vetting process, but let's be charitable. It is entirely possible that the entire government internet was down that afternoon,

and no one could look at his Wikipedia page. Right, let's move on with the scores. Oh, you get 10 extra points for the cricket reference. 12 to Jeff and Ash, and 0 to Susie and Deliso. Let's move on to. to another question about the Labour government. Sorry, I should explain. We've got a new piece of tech this week.

In light of there being so many news stories which have no redeeming features, another political assassination in the USA, countries not respecting each other's personal space. TV cookery shows, apparently, according to an article on the BBC website, being over for good. When that puts everything in perspective.

That alarm will automatically go off when the show needs to be perked up with some better news. and when it goes off, I will ask a question from this, the bucket of positivity. It contains only stories that hopefully remind us that there is light in the darkness. I'll just mix the stories up and draw one out. Right. Which renowned agent of chaos

is on the comeback trail in Britain? Liz Truss, Boris Johnson, Peter Mandelson already. Not quite yet, no. Is it not the noble butterfly? It is correct, Ash, yes. The butterfly is on the way back. So this was about the big butterfly count, which is so risky to say quickly.

And apparently, the butterfly count is up on where it was last year because we had a lovely, delightful, sunny summer where there were lots of butterflies and also apparel spritzes. But I think it's short-sighted to say that, yes, this is great. Yes, there's loads of butterflies, but they are so few caterpillars. Can I just ask, where was this sunshine?

Wasn't it this accent? I've not seen sunshine in about six years. But also, because of the butterflies, that's why there's so many more storms in Brazil. I think as well, this is what you said it's like since last year. It's gone up. That's how we need to start assessing everything in this country.

It's better than it was. A little while ago. That's what we've got to say. We've got to treat Britain like a sort of alcoholic going, my name's Britain. It's been one month since my last social, political, economic collapse. And everyone just gives us a nice hug. Yes, butterflies, he fancily bewinged, show-off insect with the indecisive four-prong life cycle

and the frankly inadvisable diet, nothing but fruit all week. Massive end of the week binge, going in big on sugary snacks. No wonder they don't live long. They're back, kind of, a bit. The news has been met with concern by privacy campaigners who say the much-surveiled arthropods should be allowed to go about their daily business

of flying and making butter without constantly worrying about big brother keeping tabs on them every time they step outside the chrysalis. Jeff, is this good news or just another example of nanny statism gone mad? Snooping on the butterflies. Yes. Okay, right, we need to go back to Labour.

Now this can go to Deliso and Susie. Why are there only two left in the race to be number two on the left of the previous number two, who some said was two left, left? Is this the deputy leadership election of the Labour Party? Correct. I have been thoroughly enjoying that Angela Rayner coverage to just see how bias our media actually is. Because people are talking about this flat in Hove as if it's in Monte Carlo. It's essentially Hove is just Brighton. but for people that are a bit scared of living

next to a fishing museum like this is 40,000 pounds of tax just to remind everybody Michelle Mone is still a baroness I just think Angela Rainer is like a post-watershed Coronation Street character

and I think there's only one job for Angela and I would get her right over to that White House as the US ambassador The problem is she was so successful, Rainer, in her brand management. A lot of the public just didn't realize she had a few quid. They just thought she was supplementing her income by selling clothes on vinted. They were like, northern her, with another property. And I'm just saying simply, I don't like stamp jury.

I just don't like it as a tax. It sort of feels like the closest the state gets to a mafia shakedown. You know, they go, hey, you bought a new house. That's good for you. for everybody. It'll be as shame as something happened to it. See, now the Radio 4 audience on site.

I don't know. I can see a few renters in the front row being like, what's stamp duty? The Deputy Leadership competition's a bit like getting a board game at a charity shop, and you realise half the pieces are missing. And you're not actually going to become the Prime Minister anyway. But it's

interesting that it's all women. as well, it's interesting, it's all women, because... David Lamey, it's a woman. No, but in the leadership context. No, he's Deputy P.M. Imagine when they sat down and gone, look, I've got some news for you, David. It's definitely not a demotion.

It's a role that we, admittedly, sometimes don't even have. That's what makes it special. There's not a bit in all of this that kind of really annoyed me as well, is that Angela Rainer is everything, that the Tories want, right? She's a single working class mother, strived, pulled herself up with the bootstraps,

got on her bike, tried to achieve in life. The Tories would normally celebrate a woman like that, but instead, they've tied her bookstrapes to the bicycle wheels and just let her tie herself up. Now, my biggest issue is the telegraph led the

charge on this, but the best bit is the week before they'd done this story, they had a whole bit in the paper going, how to avoid paying tax? So it looks like it's going to be Bridget Philipson against Lucy Powell who was basically sacked in the recent reshuffle.

Ash, I mean politically, basically half the cabinet are in brand new jobs. There's going to be a new deputy leader. Is this going to help Stama turn the government ship around before it reaches the seabed after he smashed it snout first into the iceberg of administrative reality? No.

Because if I turn to the... audience and go, what's the difference between Bridget Philipson and Lucy Powell? What a set up to a joke, that is. Politically, personality-wise. So if you can't tell the difference

between these two, you know, possible deputy leaders who are meant to turn it all around, how do you think the rest of the public is going to react? I just think it's quite a small scandal to be resigning over. If that was a Tory, they wouldn't be resigning over, a flatten hole. The same way that Jeremy Hunt didn't resign

over seven flats. So if a Tory had to resign over this, it would need to involve this flat, a king-sized bull pit, and a missing altar boy. But do you know what? I actually really disagree with you and I'll tell you why.

This Labour government is coming in and they're saying, okay, if you're a benefits claimant and you've made an honest mistake, we can take away your driver's licence. We can have a snoop in your bank accounts. Why shouldn't the housing minister, who's supposed to know about things like stamp duty have to abide by those rules and why shouldn't they be

punished if they don't get them right? I never said she shouldn't resign. I agreed with a resignation. I'm just saying that the double standards in the country that if you're from a certain class or if you're male you get treated differently to when you're working class and female. But however, resigning is not actually being punished. I say let them keep the job but flog them. Yes, another tricky week for Labour, as Keir Stama tries once more to restart the engine of the rocking horse that he's just surfed into a swamp of public dissatisfaction, so to speak. Following an indecadable micro-shuffle early last week, Angela Rainer's resignation in between last week's news was recording and our Friday evening broadcast. That is really annoying, by the way.

Unacceptable. Kirstarma rearranged the cabinet deck chairs. Over half of his cabinet is now in a new job. Labor strategy of trying to appeal. to people who would never vote for them anyway by doing things no one really wants doing and alienating the people who do have and might vote for them

has yet to bear fruit in the polls. So could a new deputy leader turn things around? Well, it's boiled down to a two-candidate showdown between an Education Secretary Bridget Philipson and the recently decabinated Lucy Powell in a high-paced but baffling contest. They saw off the likes of Emily Thornberry, Bell-Robero Addy,

an AI-generated Clement Attle-Bot, Liz Truss, who has a proven record in helping Labour win elections, and early bookies favourite, an aching void of dissolving hopes. Kirstama himself was thought to be considering throwing his hat into the ring to be his own deputy in an effort to pressurise himself to be politically bolder

but he was unsure about it and pulled out. And in order to get nominated, the candidates needed the backing of at least 20% of Labour MPs, as well as the backing of 33 constituency Labour parties or 5% of the constituency labour parties or 100% of two unions or two thirds of three unions and or

four guardian columnists three Monty Python's two match of the day hosts or zero Peter Mandelton's the scores are now eight to Susie in Deliso 14 to Jeff and Ash let's have an international

question now according to Defence Secretary John Healy Vladimir Putin has reached a new level But can you tell me in what niche interest game has the Russian number one leveled up? Oh, this is droning. Yes, correct. I mean, there's just something like uniquely unheroic about drones, isn't it? One day we're going to have somebody win a medal for heroism,

and it will be because they assess the wind that might have put their drone, of course. You have some nerd that looks like a cross between Zuckerberg and Musk coming out. He's never seen sunlight, you know. It gets given a medal, and that's their only moment of happiness, despite knowing that they'll die, never having touched a human tit. I will say, as a nerd, that brought a tear to my eye. You know I'm a professional cricket statistician, Jeff.

These are my people you're talking about. You guys are the Fonzarelli's of nerdery. I mean, the thing was John Healy. He said that Russia had reached a new level of hostility, described the actions as reckless, dangerous, and unprecedented. And you think like Putin and Net and Yahoo are firing missiles, we're firing synonyms.

That's what we've got. We've got some more words here. You want some more words? We'll give you words. I'll tell you that much. I mean, they keep saying these attacks whether they're in Gaza or Eastern Europe are unacceptable.

But they haven't really are acceptable because we keep accepting them. They keep happening, right? And it's kind of like a finger waving. But it's a bit like, you know, like a middle class parent in Waitrose going, Leo, if you do that again, you won't get an organic rice cake.

Like, Leo doesn't give her shit about it. rice cakes. He wants the Donbass. Exactly. He's throwing Linguini all around the pasture aisle. When he says like a Star Mart, like, yeah, because I think the Israeli PM went to number 10 earlier this week and they were like a frank

exchange of words and he didn't mince his words. He goes, Kea Starmer couldn't be resolute about anything. He strikes me as a man that couldn't even swear convincingly. Like an auntie or someone that just goes, look, I'm just about pissing well-added off of this. You lot like using 80s words as well. You lot

a bunch of wazooks. Yeah, I said it. I said, suck my ass. That's what I said. Yes, Vladimir Putin, despite what now two and a half years of being significantly criticized on this show, still has not learned to behave himself. It also turns out that removing the Russian flags from next to the names of tennis players on TV graphics hasn't yet caused Putin to think, yeah, maybe I am bang out of order.

Russia claimed the incursion into Polish airspace was unintentional, and as Jesus himself famously said, said that he who has never sent 17 military-level unmanned aircraft into the airspace of another country cast the first anti-dron missile. Let's move on to another international story. This week, the Israeli military courted controversy by performing a military attack on whose territory? This would be Qatar's sovereign territory. Yes, correct. You could also have Lebanon, Yemen, Tunisia, Syria and Palestine. But we go with Qatar. So you had this meeting between the Israeli president, Isaac Herzog and Kirstama at a Chatham House

this week. And Herzog came out, and I think more than anything, to spare Starmer's blushes went, well, that was a really tough conversation. As if what's going to stop an ongoing genocide and repeated violations of your neighbour's sovereignty is like, oh, he was really, really passag. You bet your mass I was. You're bloody bunch of bullies. Also, I saw that Trump's response was to say he's not thrilled, which I think is an admission that he makes all of the foreign policy decisions based on what thrills him. So I actually think that whenever people come to a summit

bring a stripper. But it was the peace negotiations that they actually bombed, wasn't it? So the official Israeli position now is that they're struggling to strike a deal with the remains of the negotiating team. That's where we're at. But it's the same thing that happened when

they bombed Iran just before the negotiation window over a possible nuclear deal ended. So it's not just Israel who's doing it. It's also the US who sort of uses brokering these negotiations as an excuse for their completely maladapted, psychotic child to go ahead and bomb somebody

else. Anybody in what he moved to him? My brother lives in Qatar, and when this happened, the family WhatsApp group has devolved into chaos because my mom, overreacting saying, leave, you need to leave right now, they're going to bomb you, and then my

nephew said something which the admin of the group just removed, so I don't know what it is. And I know this isn't the main issue. I'm just saying that there's always collateral damage. And in this case, it's my family's sad. This is how I feel about my brother living in the Coateswolds. Reform will get you, move.

As he started saying worrying things, Susie, like heritage tomatoes, stuff like that. It's how it begins. It's how it begins. As we record, the Israeli military have not as yet attacked Stowe on the world. Netanyahu's brutal assault on Gaza continued alongside the Qatar incident, as well as other strikes on Lebanon, Yemen, a Gaza-bound aid, flotilla in Tunisia, Narnia, ancient Babylon, never forget, and some penguins that were looking at them a bit funny in Antarctica.

As the international community has continued to respond, Spain has banned the import of goods from Israeli settlements, meaning that Spanish people will just have to find somewhere else that produces olive oil, wine and oranges. With luck with that. Oh, right, it's bucket of positivity time. Right, let's see what we get out of this time to lighten the mood. Right, I'm not going to tell you this question.

You have to read my mind and tell me the story that I'm thinking about. I'm going to think it hard, try and focus. Right, come in with your answers. Oh, my God, that's disgusting. Incorrect. Is this the MIT researchers? He came up with a telepathy chip called alter ego. Yes.

Well done. Sorry, I'm laughing because I'm wearing one. And Jeff's next joke, it's hilarious. This was meant to be the bucket of positivity. That device is going to ruin relationship. Or she might say, what are you thinking, and find out it really is absolutely nothing. So I think it's going to be some wearable tech,

and what it's supposed to do is detect the micro-movements in your face, and then it will translate it into words. Do you remember they were going to bring out glasses, or they have brought out glasses, where you can read your text messages and everything? This is what that's going to be, an absolute waste of time. Nobody wants to be a. alone with their own thoughts, never mind other people.

Yes, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Modern Day Witch Group, sorry, technology, potato potato, claim to develop a device that allows people to communicate without words. It uses bone conduction to interpret unspoken words. Obviously, like many of these things, it has medical implications that could be absolutely revolutionary for those with speech difficulties, but it could also, apparently, according to reports, perform Google searches without people having to actually reach for their smartphone. saving the average person up to 3.8 seconds per day. Additional time that could be more productively spent

sharing conspiracy theories online. If this happens, you're going to need to build more women's presence. Let's have another story. Related a bit to stuff we've been talking about. Ever since art regrettably moved beyond simple, accurate paintings of dogs playing snooker, artists have tried to that really progress

artists have tried to shock and surprise us but which artist this week was quite literally off the wall? This is Banksy, isn't it? And do you know the thing about this? I mean we could all talk about millions of pounds of art being cleaned off the wall

I want to know what they used because I'm really struggling with some pigeon droppings just now. They got rid of it because it's damage, and you can get fined £5,000 for the damage, but he's had paintings sold for $18 million. Why paint it down?

I would chip it off. And sell it? And sell it. And use that money for the council. Yeah. Remindiscence of course of the bison rights awareness murals that prehistoric banks he's used to put up in caves. All the time.

All the time. But there's a certain irony, because the graffiti itself was a high court judge, using the gavel to sort of, you know, smash a protester in the head. It was a piece that was satirising the arrest of Palestine action supporters. I think there's something like 1,300 in total

who've been arrested by now. And so an artwork which is criticising state censorship is then censored by the state. You kind of think that he was sitting there being like, you are part of my work. Listen, if Palestine action won't their protest taking seriously

with the government, they should just do civilised thing and form a jeering, drunken mob that surrounds a hotel. Good British protest. A lot of these protests as well, because they're kind of like, like, at football, when people square up to a copper, they'll just go, your mum, your non-s, but middle class people, they do like really devastating put-downs to the coppers. They're like, well, I bet you're only doing this because you didn't have order in your own life growing up, hmm?

It's just, oh, yes, I can't imagine the amount of processed food in your... Your diet, I bet you, I bet you listen to an audio book and count it as reading. The Labour MP, Abtysan Mohammed, said, The Terrorism Act wasn't brought in to arrest Vickers. Well, I'd disagree with that, to be honest. I mean, I, for one, I'm sick of seeing Vickers roaming the streets like they're God's gift. It's a slippery slope. They start off as Vickers, and if you don't clamp down on it,

early before you know it, they're swanning around in a great big mitre, giving it a big look at me, I'm an archbishop. Right, well, the scores are now 16 points all, which means that we go into our tiebreak, which is a improve this centre. I'm going to give our panellists the first words of newspaper headlines from this week. They have to finish the headline, get one point if they finish the headline with the correct story and two points if they finish it with a better version of the story to make the world a happier place. So finish this headline. There have been calls to bring a halt to Boris Johnson.

Being allowed to create sperm. Isn't it to stop, he received some kind of taxpayer funding to the tune of £115,000 a year? But I don't know for what. I guess maybe it's in child tax credits, I don't know. Yeah, that is the factually correct answer. What? Yep. What? Wait, whoa!

Never mind the tie break. What? He got 115 grand for fingerpainting. Big idiot. He's on a... Oh, that's a... Well, that brings to the end of this week's news quiz, and I can exclusively reveal that our winners are Jeff and Ash.

Congratulations. Thank you very much for listening to the news quiz. I've been Andy's Oxman. Taking part in the news quiz words are Lisa Sheponda, Susie McCabe, Jeff Norkott and Ash Sarkar. In the chair was me, Andy's Outsman, and additional material was written by Simon Alcock, Alex Keeley, Karwin Blaney and Ruth Husko. The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I'm Phil Wang and this is a podcast to podcast trailer for a different podcast than this podcast that you've lived. listen to or are going to listen to, but nonetheless, I'm talking about another podcast

that you should also definitely listen to. The podcast I'm talking about is Comedy of the Week, which takes choice episodes from BBC sitcoms, sketch shows, podcasts, and panel shows, including my own show, unspeakable, and puts them all into one podcast. Maybe I'll trail this podcast on that podcast. Who's to say? I'll do what I like. Listen to Comedy of the Week now on BBC Sounds. Podcast.