Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 2. Unconditional Discharge In Charge

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

This week on The News Quiz, Andy Zaltzman is joined by Nish Kumar, Sara Barron, Glenn Moore and Zing Tsjeng to unpack the week's new stories. The panel look into Donald Trump's unconditional discharge and his looming inauguration, as well as Keir Starmer's unleashing of AI, and Tulip Siddiq's resignation.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Cody Dahler, Christina Riggs, Mike Shephard and Ben Pope. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. BBC Sounds Music radio podcasts. Hello, I am Andes Oltzman. I'm currently getting a piggyback on the Statue of Liberty, who finally, ahead of Monday's event, dived off a platform in New York Carver and is currently about 50 miles across the Atlantic, swimming back to France. I could not take it anymore, Andy. I fully understand, Libby.

There's only so much hypocrisy one giant symbolic metal statue can take. Testify. Let us swim to France, where democracy is healthy and happy. Yup. Er... LAUGHTER Just need to bring you up to speed on a few things there, Libs. Right, whilst Fullmetal Janet here decides whether to turn back

or plough on, let's get going with this week's News Quiz. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome to the News Quiz. Our teams this week, following the announcement of a Middle East ceasefire and ahead of Monday's inauguration, we have Team At Last against Team Not Again. On Team At Last, we have Sarah Barron and Glenn Moore. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Team Not Again, Nish Kumar and the author and journalist, Zing Zeng.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And again, Nish Kumar and the author and journalist, Zing Zeng. APPLAUSE Obviously, the big news this week is the Middle East ceasefire. Now, we don't want to address it in full until we're absolutely sure that the ceasefire is holding, so we will come back to it properly in just to be on the realistic side, let's say, 3,500 years' time. LAUGHTER Give or take. So I have a quick question for our panellists. I'm a huge fan of peace, harmony, global stability,

human happiness and stuff like that. So I have my personal optimis-mometer. I'm just asking you how optimistic out of 10 should I be, Nish? I think at the moment I would go for a solid two out of 10. Only because a ceasefire is something we all desperately want and is desperately needed, right? The key factor here is you can't trust Benjamin Netanyahu. This is a man who is still going through a trial for fraud and bribery.

The fraud and bribing community are not necessarily two of the most trustworthy communities. So what I would say is I wouldn't go as far as saying with Benjamin Netanyahu, you can trust him as far as you can throw him. I'd say you can trust him as far as you can throw him. I'd say you can trust him as far as I can throw him and I was placed into remedial PE at school. Xing, are you hopeful? Oh I will put it at about two out of ten and I think one of the interesting things that has emerged out of the

reaction to the supposed ceasefire deal is that Russia has said it welcomes the deal but in the words of their spokesperson, let us wait for the process to be fully finalized. And you know when Russia is saying steady on, it's a little bit precarious, that's how you know it's kind of up for debate. I think I'm putting it eight out of 10 and going into it with the same misguided optimism as when

I think, despite prior experience, hey, maybe today the McDonald's milkshake machine's working. Well, two American presidents have given credit for the deal to two American presidents. I'm going to ask our panelists if they can match the president giving the credit with the president that they have credited for that deal. The two presidents giving the credit are A, Joe Biden, and B, Donald Trump.

And they've given the credit to one of A, Donald Trump and B, Joe Biden. So I'll pass this to you first, Sarah. Can you match them up? Yeah, okay. So I'm just going to like throw it out there, Andy. I think Trump is going Trump and Biden is going Biden. And I feel like since they're both claiming credit, the rules say we have to progress from the one who smelt it dealt it to the one who denied it supplied it.

Nish, who are you giving credit for? I don't know, man. I think I know the answer, but at the same time, these are two very senile men, right? But unfortunately, given that Reagan was a two-term president, electing someone with serious mental deficiencies is as American as shooting an apple pie. But the thing that sort of concerned me, I think more than anything else this week, was with Biden. He sort of gave his kind of outgoing address,

and he warned about what he called an oligarchy that's taking shape in America of extreme wealth, power, and influence. He talked about the tech-industrial complex, and he was warning that that's something that's going to happen. My brother Joey B, it's here. Like, why are you warning us about something that has happened? The horse has bolted, my friend. It felt like he was about to go on to warn us about the dangers of fidget spinners and Justin Bieber. I think this was a trick question. I think Donald Trump gave credit to Donald Trump and I think Joe Biden gave credit to, I quote,

Barack Zelensky. Right, moving on now to something we've touched on already, Sarah and Glenn. Which former peaceful transfer of power sceptic has seen the error of his ways, learned from his mistakes and will on Monday be peacefully transferred back into power? Well, I do believe it's Donald Trump. Can I say, I find it like that British people don't fully understand how huge of an event

and spectacle the inauguration is. Because when you guys get a new prime minister, it's just a handful of people hanging around the gates of Downing Street. It looks less like a transition of power than it does parents doing school pickups. I have to say, I'm quite surprised that the village people are performing at the inauguration. They're performing their hit YMCA, which I think the lead

singer has said that the YMCA is not actually a gay anthem at all. It is, in fact, totally appropriate to open the inauguration with. I always preferred the village cricket people, most of you. I read that the village people over the years in total have had 27 members. Now I'm not saying he's trying to up the inauguration attendance statistics,

but I think that's why they're there. Aren't the village people like the sugar babes? Like they sort of rotate in and out. You get conscripted. I was wondering if he was going to ask for the Native American to be replaced with the guy with the horns from the January 6th row. Do you also think it's like a weird statement of how crazy everything is at the moment that the so-called leader of the free world likes dancing to the YMCA at public events, but

he doesn't ever do the YMCA dance. He can't spell it. I was going to say. If he did, you know he's doing the C backwards. I mean, if they're going to choose a 70s disco classic to play at Trump's second inauguration, I'm not sure that YMCA is the most appropriate. Surely it should be Staying Alive. sure that YMCA is the most appropriate. Surely it should be staying alive. Well here's a question for you. What do the following people have in common? Michelle Obama, Keir Starmer, Nish Kumar, Ronnie O'Sullivan and Elvis Presley.

Only one of them was asked to perform at the inauguration. I'm guessing the answer is none of us are going to be there. Yes. So Michelle Obama hasn't given a reason and I was trying to think well why would Michelle Obama be skipping the inauguration and then I thought maybe it's a bit like you know how it's best to go to Alton Towers during term time because it's less busy. I thought maybe she's trying to take advantage and she's trying to go somewhere where there's going to be no people and I've had a Think and I think she'll be at the inauguration Well, let's look now at who will be alongside Trump not just at the inauguration but in his four-year term as president

Of course It's good to familiarize yourselves with the names and faces of the Trump cabinet just so you can work out whose memoir Denouncing their chaotic and unworkable time in government you want to pre-order in time for Christmas Or more realistically for your summer holiday reading book this year. So let's start with Pete Hegseth. He could become the first US defence secretary to have what, Nishan Singh? Oh, he's got an interesting tattoo, right? I think it's of a gun. He's got a tattoo of a gun.

A semi-automatic rifle. Yes. Well, I don't think any previous defense secretaries had that. I know Donald Rumsfeld famously had a tattoo of Evil Edna from Willow the Wisp on his face. Actually, that might just have been his actual face. And I was watching it on the telly. Do we actually know where the tattoo is, though? That's my question, because I think

that says a lot about the person. Right. I mean, I've got one tattoo. I've got a tattoo on my scalp that says if you can read this please stop shaving my head. He loves Gunn so much, one of his, you know, his seven children, which he couldn't remember the names of all of them, but one of the children is named Gunner, and that was one of the ones he remembered very promptly. I was thinking to be fair to him, who else has seven children? Captain Von Trapp. So I'm thinking that what he needs to do is instead of working to remember their names,

he just has to get a system together with his children where he blows a whistle and each child steps forward and says their name. Liesl, Brigitte, Gunner. Or like the film, does he need to hire a housemaid to stop him from being a Nazi? He denied allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards women, but despite this, Trump has stood by him.

Every one of Trump's picks, you just want to get it out the way and just go, just tell us what's insane about them. Every single person you suggest, you go, just let's just get it out the way and it go just tell us what's insane about them every single person just go just let's just get it out the way to be like I've got a new head of security and you're like just tell us who is he's like this feathers McGraw Robert F Kennedy is set to be the US Health Secretary despite having no relevant experience or qualifications can you explain why this is actually a good thing I mean it's hard to in some ways because in terms of him he doesn't look like the

picture of health. If you look at a photo of him it looks like someone's put fake eyebrows and a wig on some beef. The only positive in this situation is that once they get in the White House, Kenned's don't tend to last long one way or another. I think it is a good thing. He looks like a cautionary tale. No, but that's what you want from a health social. He's like the pictures you get on cigarette packets. Don't end up like me. The problem is, obviously, he is against things like vaccines and it is difficult to convince some of the American population that that is a bad thing. And I think a lot of people in America have the attitude of well if I die from polio, that's my opinion I mean, I'm not sure is necessarily problems because I mean surely you've got no background in medical science

and he's a skeptic of vaccines and you know facts in general, but See is medical sciences. It's not one of those things that you can learn is it you've either got it or you haven't you know yeah it's like being left-handed I don't know how deep everyone goes with the Zoltzman law but Andy actually delivered his own son so technically you have more experience than RFK Jr. being a medical professional. Yeah, I did. Don't know, I mean... That was a really weak round of applause.

You guys better be applauding his wife. A man caught his own son in the toilet. Did I mention it was in the toilet? LAUGHTER Wiles Test Match Special was on the radio. LAUGHTER Um... Who won the match? Wild's Test Match Special was on the radio. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Who won the match?

India won. Yes! I knew I liked your son for a reason. Did you hours out when you caught him? Er, threw him in the air, high-fived the wife. LAUGHTER It turns out that Agas's voice is worth two epidurals as well. LAUGHTER I think if he is against vaccines and people are against vaccines, I'm gonna say the only thing I'm a bit surprised about. It turns out that Agus's voice is worth two epidurals.

As well. I think if he is against vaccines and people are against vaccines, I'm part of me sort of thinks, we'll let those people find out for themselves. No, no, genuinely, I feel this way every year. Whenever Easter rolls around and Cabrie's creme egg, do that big Easter egg, but it's hollow.

And I'm like, well, why don't they fill it up with the creme egg filling? And Cabrie's are like, cause you'd die. I'm like, but, why don't they fill it up with the cream egg filling? And Cadbury's are like, because you'd die. I'm like, but let me find that out. He also famously survived a brain worm. So, you know, there's that a big boost to the brain worm survivor community. He actually openly admitted that the brain worm ate a portion of my brain and then died. So the brain itself was so toxic that the brain worm was like, let me out.

So the brain itself was so toxic that the brain worm was like, let me out of here. Also, they've just announced the Secretary of State for Nominative Determinism, which is a key role in a Trump government, and he's gone to hell on a handcart for that one. Before we move on from America, whose punishment did not fit any of the 34 crimes? It's the guy. Yes, it is the guy. I mean, Donald Trump. Yeah, this was over his sort of hush money trial that he supposedly paid the porn star Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair. It's been referred to as his unconditional discharge.

And I just want to come in hot on this one, Andy, and say that is also the subject of my most recent email to my gynecologist. But I think the important thing to say is that Trump is now saying that this means he's innocent, which he isn't. He has been convicted, and he is the first convicted felon in the White House, which is, of course, a truth that he is completely ignoring. And listen, he won't be the last. This is a real inspiration for convicted felons everywhere. He is the Obama of convicted felons. He described it as a witch hunt. The rest of that quote was, it's a witch hunt and not the good kind.

Not the one that's a laugh where we get to drown a whining lady. So let's look ahead to the next four years. I looked at my crystal ball this week and it was just a sad eye weeping salt tears. It was a mirror, not a crystal ball, but it was pretty reliable. I think, what are your predictions and hopes? Sarah? Alright, prediction for the first hundred days. Slaughter the Jedi, seize powers from the Galactic Senate, blow up Alderaan as a show of strength. What about he'll buy Greenland and then sue Denmark when he realizes it's not the same thing as Legoland? I think they're going to put some stone balls at the base of the Washington Monument. Because you've sort of defaced the tradition of American democracy. You may as well just go the whole hog and draw a penis on it. So why not huge balls at the back?

That monument already looks somewhat on the phallic side. Why not whack some testes on it, get it biologically inaccurate? Maybe we can get four suspended stone lines at the top of the monument as well. And a fountain at the top. I think what we've got to do is we've got to stoop to his level. You've got to lie, you've got to cheat, you've got to take what you want. When you want good artists borrow, great artists steal. I came up with that. Well it will be interesting to see how it all pans out with Trump the great disruptor in charge. As the old saying goes if you want to make an omelette you have to strafe the chicken

enclosure with machine gun fire. I see how it pans out. Personally I'm quite relieved that Trump won. I think it's great because I think it's reached the point where it's safer for the world and for I see how it pans out. Personally, I'm quite relieved that Trump won. I think it's great because I think it's reached the point where it's safer for the world and for America that Trump was put back into the White House rather than released back into the wild. At the end of that round, the scores are six points all. Right, moving to this side of the Atlantic niche, Anzing, other than the harrowingly unignorable impact of climate change, why this week might you have heard people saying, oh, the tulips

are out early this year? Well, famously, the anti-corruption minister, Tulip Siddique, has stepped down after people drew associations between her and her aunt, who is the former leader of Bangladesh, who is also being accused of corruption. So it's not looking good for either party. Yes. If I may quote from a text message my father sent me this week, if you want corruption done right, get a South Asian on it.

We are to corruption what Brazilians are to playing flamboyant attacking football. I don't know. I kind of found it refreshing for a millennial to lie about how they afford to live in central London by saying her parents did buy her house. I don't understand. If you're going into a position that is literally called, anti-corruption is in the name of your position, who have you hired? Did you get Prince Andrew to do the background check? It's sort of beggars belief that this is a blight has happened. We should say that the ethics advisor has actually looked at this entire case and said that she hasn't violated the ministerial code but she should have been more alive to the reputational risks, which you know is kind of putting it

mildly I would say. The sleazed czar or independent advisor on ministerial interests is Laurie Magnus aka the big truck and he said that Tulip Sunique told him that the visit to Russia, there's a photograph of her with Vladimir Putin and her aunt, the former leader of Bangladesh, in 2013. And Tulip Sadiq told Magnus that the visit was, quote, solely for the purpose of joining family and enjoying tourist access to the city. And obviously she was a bit unfortunate, her aunt, very busy woman, and the only family time she had available was whilst signing a billion dollar arms deal

and a nuclear power plant project deal with one of the world's leading shitbags. So everyone has different ideas of what constitutes a holiday. And obviously a lot of people, yeah, in the days when you could go to Moscow on holiday, queuing up to see a Russian leader was all part of it. Generally it was just the dead one in the mausoleum rather than the... We've all ticked the wrong box on the tourist ticket-buying website, haven't we? She ended up visiting Vladimir Putin. And I finally remember thinking I was booking a guided tour

for the Colosseum in Rome, but I ended up in a gun battle with Pablo Escobar in the Colombian jungle. Both began with coal. I just didn't read it all the way through. What a school trip that was. There was that lad's holiday you and I took with Robert Mugabe. Robbie Moogs? Big Robbie Moogs, yeah.

Right, moving sideways in Labour politics. Not going anywhere, Keir Starmer insisted this week. Can you narrow it down from what it must be said is a wide range of possibilities to the specific thing? He was talking about is it all the stuff in the british museum It's ours If you want it back, you're gonna have to assemble a multi-ethnic oceans 11 style team to heist it And i'm now thinking as i'm saying out loud that sounds like a great movie idea. I would watch the movie. I've forgotten the question

It's rachel reeves, isn't it? He said that she is not going anywhere. Yes, so as Chancellor, she's been sort of a bit of trouble with regards to the pound being low and then she not dodged questions, but then flew to Beijing and so kissed Amos said she's not going anywhere and everyone's like, where is he? And he's like, okay, right. She is in China. For many years to come, he said, not going anywhere for many years to come. How realistic is that? What if he seized her passport? I mean, the reason why he's saying that is because it's actually looking slightly better for Rachel Reeves.

So inflation is slightly down. The economy has grown by all of 0.1%, which tells you how bad it was doing before. So you know, when 0.1% is considered good, that's how you know we're in real trouble. I guess that most of the complaints have come from the conservatives, but people are obviously arguing that the economy was in a sort of worse position when they're in power. So she's doing the best of the bad lot, I guess. And I feel that way. It was a few weeks ago, I was, I went to a bar and I had a big pint of Diet Coke and I left and then I really needed a wee. So I went back to the same pub and I said, can you use the bathroom? bathroom and they went we have to order a new drink and I was like but you did that this is your way Rachel Reeves is dealing with their way they keep

saying that in order to get the kind of economy out of this hole there needs to be a bout of ruthless spending cuts here's my question what is there left to cut? I don't know if you've tried to take a train to see a doctor recently, but the entire infrastructure of this country is crumbling around us. Are they now just gonna like sell off the car parks

outside hospitals, and we're just gonna have to 10 pin bowl the vulnerable into A&E? Like, if they wanna raise more money for the Exchequer, then we're gonna have to start embracing some increasingly extreme things like turning all care homes into Amazon warehouses. And just putting the extremely old to work. In fairness to the Amazon warehouses there are reports that they don't let people go to the bathroom. In fairness to the people in care homes, they often do it in their nappies. Let's put two and two together, solve the social care crisis and put some more money in Bezos his pockets Last year providing some much-needed political balance, yeah

Kissed I went to Ukraine this week where a lot of me Zelensky gave him some much-needed encouragement at this difficult time Well perhaps related to this a poll next week is set to reveal that one in five people in this country prefer what to what. Is it saying yourself instead of you at the Traitors Roundtable? It's one in five prefer unelected leaders to actual democracy. Yes. One out of five isn't too bad. North Korea is six out of five.

There's only one lesson that we can ever learn from history, and that is that we will never ever learn. And perhaps coming to the rescue, the government has announced plans for an AI strategy for the nation. But what unorthodox method of delivery did they announce for it this week? Every. And if we're not in they'll deliver it to France. Sending Angela Reiner door-to-door dressed as the Terminator. They said that they want to mainline it into the veins of this enterprising nation and like I don't know how much stuff that's cool gets

mainlined into people's veins, but like generally it is something that in my mind I associate with narcotics and I actually found some of the rejected items from the drafts of the speech. Keir Starmer was going to say, we're going to pick AI, dry it out, crush it into a fine powder and then roll it up and smoke it. No tobacco in there, just pure AI blunt. It's so weird. It does seem like Kistar but now desperately is trying to go, oh yeah, you think I'm boring? I'm going to treat AI like it's drugs.

I mean, we might be misinterpreting it because they might be using the term mainline in the sense of the West Coast mainline. And the AI revolution will just consist of a single ZX Spectrum thrown out of the window of a Ford Fiesta into a ditch on the A46. Where's the AI? It's actually on a rail replacement service. It's having a sit down on the floor because there just isn't enough seats. Starm said mark my words. Alright, usually about four out of ten. I just don't know which departments we're meant to be using it in. I know that they want to use it for the NHS. I do not trust AI with the NHS whatsoever. And to prove this,

earlier on today, I literally typed in my symptoms of a cough into chat GPT. I got word for word the following response. Your account with open AI remains suspended after too many requests to generate Captain Tom Erotica. The public apparently still feel concerned about AI. A recent bit of research said that the top words people associate with AI are worried, scary and robot. Sorry, no, that was research into the first words they think of when they scan the Labour front bench. I'm going to have an AI king. That's not out of the realm of possibility. I think there's a couple of members of the royal family that we could have replaced with chat bots and everyone would have been quietly happy about it.

I'm not sure there's a lot of AI prompts you could put things into and have them say, I am medically unable to sweat. I think AI would make the perfect king, cos it just can't get the fingers right. LAUGHTER Now, Keir Starmer's been accused of not addressing the everyday needs of the people, but with AI, with this announcement, he can't be accused of that,

because he claimed AI could solve what national problem? Maria. LAUGHTER At last. I know what the answer is and I'm humiliated by my response to it because the answer is potholes, I believe. Potholes is spelt as one word and I always get confused by that and I don't know if it's because I went for tapas a few nights ago but I read a BBC article and I said out loud to myself in my living room, what is patholes?

No I think also what he said was it could spot potholes which is not the problem everyone spots potholes the problem is fixing it. How do we see these damn potholes? Is Keir Starmer constantly falling into traps laid for bears in the forest? The thing is with these language models there are benefits to the doctors who are trying to diagnose lots of diseases but there are also significant drawbacks. A study in 2019 found that the sort of carbon footprint for training a single early large language model like GPT-2 was about 300,000 kilograms CO2, which is the equivalent of 125 round-trip flights between New York and Beijing. So really, the thing that it can solve is climate change, and the thing it's going to solve about climate change is it's not going fast enough.

Can any of you tell me what causes potholes? Can you infactual question? Is it snow? Right, any other guesses? Any of our audience know what causes potholes? Freezing thaw. No, it's not freezing thaw. It is decades of under investment in public infrastructure. And political culture cutting every corner. The current national pothole strategy is hope that it never rains and that no vehicles ever drive on the roads. Right, well at the end of our AI round of scores are, well, neck and neck at 10 points

all. Which means, with the scores tied, it means we go to a tiebreaker and the closest to the correct answer will win. One year ago, BET announced a plan to turn 60,000 of its green street cabinets, the ones that hold phone and broadband cables, into electric vehicle charging points. This week they've abandoned that scheme but can you tell me of those 60,000 cabinets how many did they actually turn into electric vehicle charging points? Closest wins? I'd say 25. I'm actually gonna guess minus two. So they didn't turn any of them into electric vehicle charges.

And by accident, they actually ran over two actual electric vehicle charges. Well, you are closer. Nish, you're closer. We did it, Zing. It was one. One out of 60,000. And that one apparently doesn't currently work. So Nish and Zing are our winners on

penalties over Glenn and Sarah. Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zoltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Glenn Moore, Sarah Barron, Nish Kumar and Zing Zeng. In the chair was me, Andy Zoltzman and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Mike Sheppard, Cody Darla and Ben Pope. The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm Robin Ince. And I'm Brian Cox. And this is the Infinite Monkey Hedgerow. He was unable to write a funny joke for the introduction. That's amazing. The new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage.

Science with funny bits. Science with bits. Funny science plus bits. So the reason that Neanderthals died out, you're claiming, is because they weren't astronomers. Is that... Yes, exactly. That's why. This is how we investigate cyber crime, we look for the yachts. The new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Sounds.

Yoga is more than just exercise. It's the spiritual practice that millions swear by. And in 2017, Miranda, a university tutor from London, joins a yoga school that promises profound transformation. It felt a really safe and welcoming space. After the yoga classes I felt amazing. But soon that calm welcoming atmosphere leads to something far darker a journey that leads to allegations of grooming trafficking and exploitation across international borders. I don't have my passport I don't have my phone I don't have my bank cards I have nothing. The passport being taken the being in a house and not feeling like they can leave. World of Secrets is where untold stories are unveiled and hidden realities are exposed.

In this new series, we're confronting the dark side of the wellness industry, where the hope of a spiritual breakthrough gives way to disturbing accusations. You just get sucked in so gradually, and it's done so skillfully that you don't realize. And it's like this secret that's there. I wanted to believe that whatever they were doing, even if it seemed gross to me, was for some spiritual reason that I couldn't yet understand. Revealing the hidden secrets of a global yoga network.

I feel that I have no other choice. The only thing I can do is to speak about this and to put my reputation and everything else on the line. I want truth and justice. And for other people to not be hurt, for things to be different in the future. To bring it into the light and almost alchemize some of that evil stuff that went on

and take back the power. World of Secrets, Season Six, The Bad Guru. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.