Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 3. Crossing the Pond, Crossing the Floor

Episode Date: September 26, 2025

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Hugo Rifkind, Pierre Novellie, Sara Barron and Lucy Porter to break down the week in news. The panel unpack Trump's second state visit, the reserve banquet of seat fillers, foreign investment from the US, Ed Davey's Ancient Greek punishment, chimps drunk on fruit, and why Penny Mordaunt thinks it's no fun to be a Conservative anymore.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Cody Dahler, Ruth Husko, Sam Lake and Laura Major. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello. Visiting American President Donald Trump said this week that the UK and the USA are like two notes in one chord. In tribute to this touchingly poetic comment, I will play that chord for you. Let me first find the notes that most exemplifies the UK. I think that's this one. And now the one that best expresses what America is. And now let's put them together into that beautiful chord Trump spoke about. maybe I've played it wrong we better get the show started before there is any more discordance in this discordant world

welcome to the news quiz and Mandy Zaltzman later on in the show we'll be clarifying the official etiquette to what to do if you're a princess and you're sitting next to a sex offender at a big dinner that's not related to anything that happened this week Let me emphasize that.

This is a state banquet special and our two teams commemorate the leaders of the two U, the USA and the UK, marking what one likes to do and what the other might soon come under pressure to do. We have Team Ban against Team Quit. On Team Ban, we have Pia Novelli and Sarah Barron. And on Team Quit, we have Lucy Porter and Hugo Rifkin.

Lucy and Hugo, you can take our first question. Which King's Castle was visited this week by which dirty rascal? It's a technical American legal term for convicted felon. Donald Trump came over to be buttered up by the royal family, and they did butter him up. They might have covered him in marmalade as well. We simply don't know. So two leaders who are quite unpopular in their own country,

stepped into a magical fairyland together. No two men have needed each other more since Anton Deck, really. So Trump was entertained by the king and queen, and it was the most... I was proud and cringing at the same time. The British way. Yeah.

If Trump is as wealthy as he says he is, why is he flying into Stansted? Did you see that? It said the king had said that Trump was kin, which I think was a misprint. I think what he meant to say was he was kin-awful. But they were a Windsor. Trump was very proud to be at Windsor.

He kept saying it's a greater honour to be at Windsor than in Buckingham Palace, which obviously means he probably believed that and hadn't realised that they'd put him there so no one could see him. It's not as great an honour as being on this oil rig or perhaps in this wine cellar. They get going on about how delighted he looked.

And it was really funny because he was there the whole way through looking absolutely pleased as punch. And then Keir Starmer looking is always like he thinks he's left the gas on. I mean, say what you like about Keir Starmer. At least he does have the decency to always look sort of slightly fearful, regretful and self-loathing. Which is the British way, I think. But they all look lovely.

There was much discussion of the outfits. The Grenadier guards were there going, I'll tell you what, that hat Malani's wearing is a bit big, isn't it? And then they had a banquet, which I did wonder, right, this doesn't leave this room, but I wondered if it was a very sneaky slow-motion assassination attempt because he's in his 70s and they left him out in the rain for a long time.

At the dinner, right, the banquet, they did not sit down to eat until 9.30, right? These are men in their 70s, the king and drink. Like, if you had said to my dad at that age, we're eating at 9.30, it'd have been like, what, are we Spanish? Although, to be fair, Uber East did say it would arrive by 8.50. There are two banquets.

There's the banquet you see, and then there's a secret banquet full of duplicates, other people, in case someone doesn't turn up to the banquet or is taken ill, so they can come and fill it. like place fillers at the Oscars. They have a secondary banquet. And you sit there hoping someone falls over in the toilet

so you can get promoted to the main banquet. How does one get a job as a banquet eating professional? Banquet stand-in. There was a third banquet, which was Prince Andrew on the stairs. I always get interested in the food because I think it either is very respectful, very disrespectful. And the thing that I really glommed on to was the watercress panacotta.

Yeah, someone goes panacotta, you go, oh my God, someone goes made of watercress. I think it's almost like a hostile act, especially to a man who famously avoids anything green other than like the one piece of iceberg lettuce on his Big Mac or whatever it is. They basically were doing that thing where I think we just make up traditions

because we know that sort of visiting dictators like them. I have no way of knowing. know, if it had happened before or not. They're just, ah, the traditional, the ancient plantagenet bikini contest. Richard the 3rd's putting green. Speaking of bikini contests, I did enjoy the idea that the reason the king and queen wore the sashes was so that Trump could feel more comfortable because he'd think he was just in another Miss Universe competition.

Last time he was here, Queen Elizabeth the second wore a teardrop brooch, which I think you're only allowed to wear as a monarch if you've killed another monarch. Melania was given sort of honey sandwiches and it was Kate Middleton's honey from her beehives or something and I don't think that kind of humble I own land signaling works on Americans because they just go you can't buy your own honey My favorite bit with Melania

was where the queen was showing around the doll's house and I was just really hoping Camilla was going Yes we used to be very tiny in the old day My favorite girls-only act was Melania and Princess Catherine. It's just the two of them. They went to meet the UK Scoutmaster and members of the Scouts.

So do you guys think Trump chose to give it a miss because he's like, I already know what it's like to hang out with a member of the royal family and the company of minors? They had the press conference, obviously the next day, with Trump and Stama,

which in journalism, we were all very very, excited about because they're normally absolute road crashes and nothing really exciting happened although he did make up a new country yeah all right he made up ababaijan which is another monarchy but ruled by a dancing queen he also said in the press conference that vladimir poochin had really let him down yeah i'm really cross actually yeah uh with vladimir really disappointing out of order not so much angry is disappointed you know if he keeps if he keeps bombing civilians in Ukraine, he'll start to let himself down. He'll start to let Russia down.

In terms of the substance of the negotiations, this can go to Pierre and Sarah, a big old chunk of what could be coming our way? Is it nuclear material? Well, yes, yeah, nuclear stuff. Well, money as well, just investment. I am pleased that we're going to do nuclear power. Right. We did it already in the 50s, and we thought, that's boring.

let's go back to burning chunks of wood we find. And I'm excited for the modular reactors. I'm pleased with it. There was that disgraceful thing where Nick Clegg was defending himself, not approving those reactors. He said, we've been taking 10 years for them to come online, and that would have been during the pandemic when we had the energy crisis.

I mean, many nuclear reactors are quite exciting now, isn't it? We could all have our own little... They're not that mini. Pocket boutique nuclear reactor. Don't spoil my dream. They're the size of a tennis court. So unless you've got a tennis court, Do you know that they have made smaller ones

because they want to send one to the moon by 2030? They're only about the size of a car. I don't know why, there's no one there. Seems mad. But anyway, yeah. But it's nice when you move to a new place for the electricity and stuff to be sorted out. They'd show the deals that they'd signed.

It had Trump's signature on. So we don't know if in 15 or 20 years he'll flatly deny that he actually signed it. It was the missed opportunity of all time for Keir not to draw a woman's torso. so he'd have been out but we would all have loved him the report said that this 150 billion pounds worth of investment could create 7,600 jobs

that works out at 19.7 million pounds what are these people going to be doing and the steel stuff steel and aluminium or as Donald Trump obviously would say shiny stuff that was offensive There was also a big money deal involving American tech companies here

obviously the long-term impacts and benefits remain to be seen and can we trust the tech companies to act in our long-term interest when it comes to AI I mean they're going to take your words, your soul, your likeness, make the news quiz without you

they're going to steal every last aspect of your soul but GDP will not job a tiny bit. So, well, that's something to look for, too, for everyone, frankly. But I don't know, we're a bit cynical about AI. And sometimes when a crocodile beckoned you over for a kiss, it just wants to give you a kiss. Not always, admittedly, as my friend,

half-eaten Brian can testify. Yes, the American President's State visit is over. He's left the country, which I think means that another national leader can now come in under the one-in-one-out scheme. Trump took a couple of days off from his hectic schedule of being simultaneously the most and least American American in American history to indulge in his hobby of cosplaying being a real monarch instead of a pretend one. It was an all-time record, second state visit by Opinions splitting Monthly's Man of the Millennium, as he castled it up in Windsor.

Castling, of course, is a move in chess where the king swaps places with the crook. The rook, the rook, sorry. Rumours that Trump was found in the crypt of Windsor Castle trying to seduce the ghost of Henry VIII's third wife, Jane Seymour have just been made up. Whilst it is fair to say that not everyone in the UK is enough of an unquestioning fan of Trump to be allowed to ask him a question at a press conference, I'm sure we were all moved by his tribute to the special relationship.

He said we are joined by history and faith, by love and language, and by transcendent ties of culture, tradition, ancestry and destiny. We are like two notes in one chord or two verses of the same poem, each beautiful on its own, but really meant to be played together. I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say he did not write that himself.

The deal also aims to half the time it takes to get regulatory approval for nuclear projects in the UK and I know I speak for all in this nation when I say that the only words more reassuring when it comes to building nuclear reactors than less regulation is hurry up. Right, at the end of that round it's four to Lucy and Hugo and two to Pierre and Sarah.

Well, in a sort of kind of related story, many people are off meat, many people are off alcohol these days, but who is now off air? It's a certain James Kimmel. Yes. Jimmy Kimmel's been taken off air for, it's unclear if he's been taken off air for being rude about the Make America Great Again movement

or if he's been taken off air for presuming to know the motives of Charlie Kirk's assassin. But either way, he's been taken off air for doing a sort of comedy monologue about politics like he's been doing for years. It was upsetting to me that Americans now only have the choice of two identical-looking late-night talk shows

hosted by middle-aged men. It's just like been really hard for me. It's okay. There'll be more. There'll be seven or eight more. Thanks for saying that as a friend. I mean, they have been making the Maga movement. They have been making this huge fuss, this huge attack on Britain because, you know, like very occasionally someone gets their door knocked on because they've sent a nasty tweet, threatening to kill

someone. And then when it's actually, when it's happening there, when people are literally getting taken off air, you know, I mean, Trump's suing the New York Times, you know, they just, they don't even sort of pretend. It's not freedom of speech. It's freedom of speech for them. You know, there's this great Rosa Luxembourg quote, which basically says, um, freedom is only freedom when it's freedom for the other fellow. And they just absolutely don't believe that. And they're not even pretending they do anymore. It's kind of impressive. and it's cynicism. Yeah, every single one of them

who says Kimmel should have been taken off air has got a quote somewhere where they've complained about cancel culture. Tell you I feel sorry for with the Jimmy Kimmel thing as well as the house band. Because I always think that must be really... If you're the house band on a late-night chat show and you let go,

because you can't play weddings because you can only play ten seconds of every song. We're going to have our first complete the stat question now because we live in a world of twisted demi-faction outright hogwashery. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to give our panelists a statistic and they have to complete that statistic. And this can go to Lucy and Hugo.

9% of British people. 9% of British people know which side is for your basket and which is for the bagging area. Oh, you've touched the nerve there. It's tough. Nine percent of British people have at some point been leader of the Conservative Party. The correct answer is nine percent of British people, according to a recent poll, think Donald Trump has had a positive impact on the United Kingdom.

They might mean comedically. I genuinely, I think that's only people who are trying to be interesting at dinner parties. I choose to believe that. Complete this stat, Pierre and Sarah. 89% of people just stand there waiting for an assistant to come and key in the code The correct answer is

Do not approve of the Starma government's record to date According to a poll this week 11% do approve 17% don't know 72% disapprove He's just having such a terrible I mean, it is extraordinary. If he tried to do his fly-up, he'd lose a finger, wouldn't he? This is like a personal question, but do you not still fancy him?

Well, do you know what? I have to say I still would. I still would. And if anyone is, because, you know, like, obviously in the glory days, it was easy to fancy him. But if anyone thinks that I don't fancy him now that he's a sad-faced loser, they do not know my dating history. right at the end of that section it's now six to Lucy and Hugo

forward to Pierre and Sarah and so you can have this question Penny Maudent British sword-wielder of the year 2023 said this week that what is no fun at the moment

wielding swords she thought there was a real future in it but just the coronation thing apparently yep she's devastating once you've put the down payment on the big sword you can't return them you know until there's a knife emmesty she like really excites

the sort of conservative who absolutely fantasises about losing an arm wrestle to somebody with fantastic hair she has got lovely hair and she's very yeah sort of that retired colonel kind of demographic find a very arousing, don't they? Yes, very lovely, lovely woman.

Strong. Yes, we had her open the fate, actually. Lovely, lovely. It's not radio for us. It's just gone back to the 1970. What she said was no fun at the moment? Is it being a conservative? Correct. Being a conservative is no fun.

Was it ever fun? Is that what it's for? being fun? I don't think it's supposed to be fun. The whole point of the name is let's keep things about as they are. Which is never the line late at night in a party.

Where should we go to next? Let's stay here. Yeah, I mean, Lib Dems are fun. Like, Ed Davy's fun. Yeah, he lives in theme parts. Is he fun? Yeah. It's like the man who has the most fun

who looks the least fun. You know what I mean? He's like, even when he's in a Zorb, you're kind of like, bit dull. Yeah, it's because it's something of the Greek mythological punishment about it. I can't figure out, I have to try and back

engineer what crime he committed against the gods. He scorned his own team, and now he must team build forever more. Yeah, Penny Morden said that she's planning a return to frontline politics, so not joining the Tories, presumably. Can anyone give me anything that is

more fun than being a conservative? Arbor Voyage. Part-time accountancy. Nude beekeeping? Well, possibly because it's not much fun, a number of conservatives are defecting to reform UK. Danny Kruger has left the Conservative Party. Is there any way, Hugo, that the Tories can ever recover

from the loss of Danny Kruger? It has been this sort of thing where there's a new defeczer and you're like, you're just making that one up, aren't you? But I think what's the best thing about the idea of defectors? to reform. It's the people they don't want. Because like Nadine Doris, when she defected. She defected, even though Nigel Farage had previously called her

mad. But nonetheless, she defected. And she said, you know, Boris should come with me, Boris and Nigel should team up, and Nigel Farage is like, no thanks. And they've said they won't have Liz Truss. People were saying that Suella Braverman would defect. But actually, her husband did defect, and then undefected after they slagged

off Suella Braverman. So it's all very messy. Maybe they should do a one-in-one-out. I mean, their MPs kind of do, to be honest. Well, it seems like everyone's always really excited to join reform, and then they work for a bit with Nigel Farage, and then they quietly

disappear and they never heard from again. That's what we should do to people who want to come into this country, is we should make them work with Nigel Farage. Yeah, how keen they are. But, yeah, Maria Caulfield, never heard of her. It's nice that Andrea Jenkins will have some backing singers at the next conference. They've got a difficult tightrope reform,

because on the one hand, the kind of native candidates who've come up through their system are always absolutely mad. But the other option is to get boring Tories who've defected, who no one trusts. So it's a real sort of nutter, dullness, kind of balancing act on the scales they've got to do. You can have one vaccine denialist as a treat,

and then you have to have a former Shadow Cabinet member. Well, Danny Kruger, because I had vaguely remembered that he's Prue Leith's son, but I just think the grassroots anti-Straud. Establishment ethos of reform is a perfect fit for the Eaton and Oxford educated Danny Krueger. The thing is he's going to have to learn to shout, stop the boats in a context that isn't officiating at the Henley Regatta. Yeah, Danny Kruger has jumped the sinking shark of the Conservative Party to give his constituents the reform MP they never knew they needed or had chosen. In fact, last year Kruger said the Conservatives were leaving the nation after 14 years in power, sadder, more divided and less conservative.

but clearly he didn't think that work is finished yet and getting reform ready for government that's a job akin to preparing the inhabitants of London Zoo for a production of Les Miserables in that it's not completely impossible that you'll pull it off but it's going to be tough another question now this can go to Lucy and Hugo

we will never surrender Kirstama channeled his inner Churchill this week saying that British Britain will never surrender what to whom? Britain will never surrender the phrase, Picky bits, to the growing menace of small plates. Well, I hope those words are true, Lucy. I think the answer is your flag.

Correct. To those that use it as a symbol of violence, fear, and division. Correct. I say, I'd like to see you guys reclaim your flag for its true purpose, girl power. You can take control of symbols through the use of them I think it's a good idea

not to just give up on all of our best graphic design and logos just have the flag on a dress or if you waved England flags and union jacks at every gay pride parade for two years these guys would lose interest in them all it would say the whole flag discourse

has been just it's depressing and there was one picture that I thought was great which was one of the marchers wrapped in an England flag going to buy onion bargees and I've always wondered what irony tastes like

I suppose I'm very lucky I live in a very multicultural area have very multicultural friends all the mum's from school there's women of every faith and none and we all go out and we have a brilliant time and then the Muslim mum's drive us home that's absolutely true I mean it's important

as a lot of people have said that it wasn't just a far-right protest there were lots of people who don't identify as far-on it was only really a far-right protest if you judge it by the people who organised it who spoke at it and the things they said right the scores it's now 8-4 so we'll have some more complete the statistic questions complete this statutes

one bottle a day Is an alien concept to anyone who attended the Oasis reunion tour It was That's about what is drunk by Some primates in the wild Yes, chimpanzees Chimpanzees

They eat fruit that is fermented And it's about And then to wash it down Yes They go not madri That stuff's cack But Of course chimps can't use

tools so it's a big problem for documentary crews they have to keep opening the lager Jane Goodall is essentially running a bar at this point Attenborough's just yeah he's like a tequila girl with shots in his bandolera what are you having there

basically they eat like sort of extremely ripened fruit and they get wasted on it which I have not yet tried but I'm now extremely tempted the night's the night in the wild you can tell which of the chimps is driving if they eat the unripe fruit. Who they've designated.

What does it say about the world that chimps now are drinking to forget, whereas in the 80s they just had a nice cup of tea? Yes, wild chimpanzees have been found to consume the equivalent of a bottle of lager's worth of alcohol a day by eating ripened fruit. So that's roughly the equivalent of half a pint of strong. which probably explains why those pissed up half-wits still haven't written even a single work of Shakespeare. Sure, their typewriters have run out of ribbon, but even so, all they've written so far is a bawdy limerick, half an episode of Silent Witness, the script of a right-wing

podcast, and some libelous social media posts about football referees. So, what, the scores are now tied at eight points all, which means we go to a tiebreaker. Who has said they won't do what if who else also does that what? What? Do you know? It's Eurovision. Correct. Yes, well done.

You go. Spain has said they won't take part in Eurovision if Israel does take part in Eurovision. Correct. But then Germany said they won't take part if Israel doesn't take part. Yes. So some people will, some people won't.

We still won't win. They're kind of Schroding as Eurovision song content. Even if it was down to just us and Israel, Israel wouldn't vote for us because of our terrible record on human rights. I mean, it puts everything in perspective, really, doesn't it? The UN having declared that a genocide is being committed, but I mean, I think Eurovision is the kind of language

that the world truly understands. Yeah. If Netanyahu doesn't see the light now that he's offended Graham Norton. Let's really turn the screws on Israel's hard line far right and deny them access to the gayest European. contest. I reckon they can still get away with entering as long as they just called themselves

Ababaijian. This Spain has become the latest country after Slovenia Island and the Netherlands to confirm it will withdraw from next year's Eurovision song contest if Israel is allowed to participate. Eurovision for those unfamiliar with it, well done on a life well lived.

I mean, we're looking from a British music point of view. The Beatles, the Stones, David Bowie, never quite nailed it. Stormsy still waiting for his chance. Fire started by the prodigy did come second. It was 1996, I think. It's behind Liechtenstein's Amflout Schnautvirt with his song, I'm a little squirrel brackets,

do you want to see my nuts? The memory of days tricks. BBC director general Tim Davies said the BBC is aware of the concerns, but Eurovision has, quote, never been about politics. Out of all the ridiculous nonsense to have come out of the BBC in the last hundred years, that has to be right up there.

Well, that means that our winners this week are Lucy and Hugo. Bad luck. D. Pierre and Sarah. I'm just hearing, actually, that we're being taken off air. Because it's the end of the show. Until next week, thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Pierre Navelli, Lucy Porter, Sarah Barron and Hugo Rifkin. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Cody Dala, Laura Major, Sam Lake and Ruth Husko.

The producer was Rajiv Karia, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of You're Dead to Me. We are the comedy show that takes history seriously, and then we laugh at it. And in our latest series, we've covered lots of global history. We've done the American War of Independence. We've done Empress Matilda and the medieval anarchy. We've done Alexandra Dumas, the French writer, the Kellogg brothers, and their health farm. We looked at the lives of Viking women, Renaissance-era beauty tips.

We jumped to 18th century India and also to ancient Alexandria. We looked at the life of Hannibal of Carthage, who fought the Romans, and we've done Marianne Toinette and a big birthday special for Jane Austen. Plus there's 140 episodes in our back catalogue so if you want to laugh while you learn, the show's called You're Dead to Me and you can find us first on BBC Sounds.