Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 3. Power Outrage

Episode Date: May 9, 2025

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Geoff Norcott, Lucy Porter, Ed Byrne and Marie Le Conte to unpack the week in news. Topics include the loss of power in the Iberian Peninsula, the gaining of power in the Canadian election, the US-Ukraine mineral deal, cyberattacks on M&S, and the medical benefits of Champagne.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Ruby Clyde, Eve Delaney, Cameron Loxdale and Laura Major. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4.

BBC Sounds music radio podcast. Hello in order to make sure we get through this week's recording of the news quiz without being interrupted by one of those very trendy massive nationwide power cuts that are all the rage in Europe these days we are using our emergency backup power generator which is this giant hamster wheel. That was left over from when Blue Peter tried to cross breed a gerbil with a woolly mammoth in a test tube. Never work our sadly. Powered by this Gary Lineker.

We've been told to use him as much as possible while he's still on the payroll. Right. It's still the only noise he responds to. Come on Gary, crank it up. We've got a show to do. Theme tune please. Faster Gary, faster. Better. Pretend you're playing for Spurs again. Oh that was a mistake. Pretend you're playing for England again. Now we're there. Welcome to the News Quiz. Welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman. Our teams this week paying tribute to what has been going on in Spain and Portugal and

Donald Trump's first 100 days, we have Team Power Outage against Team Power Outrage. On Team Outage, Ed Byrne and Lucy Porter. And on Team Outrage, Jeff Norcott and the author and political journalist, Marie Leconte. I should say we are recording before the results of Thursday's local elections come out, so we cannot do anything on UK party politics this week. We will come back to it next week. Such is the world we live in. So, Donald Trump, the president of the USA, passed his 100 days back in office this week. Obviously he dominates the news agenda but we don't want him to completely take over this week's show, so for all of

this week's starter questions, the answer could be about Trump But isn't so the first of our not Trump starter questions This can go to Ed and Lucy where in the world this week has found itself fumbling around in an enveloping darkness With the pillars of civilization crumbling almost taken backwards to a bygone age leaving people desperately wondering how on earth what's happened has happened What is that about if it's not Trump then I think it is Spain. Correct. Where they had a power outage and no one could do any work for a whole afternoon which luckily had no impact on the product. So the power went out in Spain and Portugal and parts of France for a time. Nobody really knows why at the time of recording. They think it wasn't a cyber attack.

My guess is the Spanish Energy Minister simply pulled out the plug marked Portugal so he could charge his phone. People were stuck in lifts, the trains weren't working, blackouts. Obviously in a Spanish blackout, very important to keep a pin between your teeth in case a football official tries to kiss you. It's difficult to report on something like this without being really boring. You read about it in the paper, it was a massive power cut, yeah, there was a massive power cut. Some people were stuck in lifts, yep, that's what happens in a massive power cut, alright.

Some people reported ATMs weren't working, yep, that tracks, that sort of thing. Some hospitals had to shut some stuff, but other hospitals had power generators. Yes, that very much sounds like a power cut. And the airports obviously were out, which means Simon Calder got a call. I'm sorry, but I have a B in me bonnet. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, and anytime I hear him, I'm sure he's very informative. But Simon Calder is the travel editor of The Independent Independent and anytime anything happens at all to do with travel he's the person we call. Why is the Monopolies Commission not looking for an iron grip Simon Calder has on travel? Does anyone else even have a travel editor? The Guardian tried to hire one

and he gets a knock on the door from Simon Calder's goon squad going step down you don't want this fight step up Simon Calder's territory. I mean there were questions asked about the very foundations of civilization and how we in the UK would cope in such a scenario. Well if you speak to Brits at airports I always think in these situations Brits at airports on the news are the best people. You know there are people in war zones that are more chipper than somebody who's going to Malaga a day late. The EU immediately they said it was definitely not a cyber attack. They used the word definitely which made me think it definitely was a cyber attack. That's the kind of thing I'd say to my wife.

I'd be like baby I definitely did not take the meat out of the made me think it definitely was a side effect. That's the kind of thing I'd say to my wife. I'd be like, baby, I definitely did not take the meat out of the freezer and leave it out for a while, partially defrost it, then put it back in the freezer. What do you make of it, Maria? Because it's put a bit of pressure on the Spanish government for their response to it. It did what I... I mean, originally I was kind of planning to do my French woman bit of being like, oh, God, you know, the UK could not cope, et cetera. And then I remember that a few years ago in France supermarkets did a sale on Nutella and there were riots So I have decided I'm not standing on solid enough ground to make any comment at this time

I mean, it's so awful to think of isn't it like if it happened in this country just teenagers talking to their parents Men sitting in a toilet having to read the ingredients on Neurofin like the old days. It's just awful scenes. What's the most boring thing you've ever read because you didn't have your phone with you? I once found myself on the toilet on an airplane and I read my passport. But did anybody ever think of, like, doing a whole book of, like, painkiller ingredients?

LAUGHTER I think if there was a blackout, I would force some rhubarb. LAUGHTER Force some rhubarb. I hear that works well in the dark. Right. Force? Is that a euphemism? What does that mean? LAUGHTER It's when you keep a plant in the dark to make it grow faster. What does that mean?

When you keep a plant in the dark to make it grow faster. Force? They have like candles, don't they? There's the rhubarb triangle in New Yorkshire. The rhubarb triangle in Yorkshire is where all the tractors mysteriously disappear, I think. And do you have any key pieces of prepper advice for our listeners? Well, we have got a wind-up radio so that we'll be able to listen to the archers at any point, which is crucial. A Swiss Army knife,

because people will think that you're well-prepared, but really, you only want it for the corkscrew. Right. What's a wind-up radio is just another term for the Today programme. LAUGHTER You always forget that most of it would be during the daytime. I don't know why, because it's blackout, we forget a lot of it would be during the daytime. I don't know why, because it's blackout, we forget a lot of it would be fully lit. Yes, large parts of Spain and Portugal were this week cast into modern oblivion.

Sons internet, sons mobile phone, sons social media, sons everything. Traffic was gridlocked, there were power cuts, trains got stuck where they were for hours. Essentially everything just ground to a halt. Living here in the UK, it's very hard to imagine what that must have been like. People without mobile phones and the internet for several hours, temporarily bumping Spain and Portugal into the top two of the World Happiness Index. Spain was able to find a way through, as he would expect, from a nation that can exist on cold soup and indestructible but sumptuous hams. But there are questions about how the UK would cope in a similar event.

Of course, as a nation, we have prepared quite robustly for such things, primarily by ensuring huge squads of the population can't afford to turn their electricity on in the first place. Well, in other outage news, let's go to Ed and Lucy, which high street giant found a new reason to be terrified of spiders? Marks and Spencers, they suffered a cyber attack and it has affected a lot of their products and deliveries and It was a group called something scattered Spiders using dragon force ransomware. I mean, they definitely won the battle of the brand name

ransomware. I mean they definitely won the battle of the brand name for scattered spider to use dragon force ransomware against Max and Spencer. You could almost hear and feel the collective tutting around the country by what was going on with a hack that brings the online retail branch of M&S to its knees because the interviews with people who have had things go wrong with their Marks and Spencer deliveries it's the most middle-class complaint you've ever it's like all of them are prefacing with well I know it's not their fault but they shouldn't have taken the order if they knew they'd been a cyber attack and actually the woman I spoke to was quite rude like how much can anybody care when something like this big is happening to this big a company

and you're phoning up and going, you took my order for flowers for my mother's 91st birthday and they didn't arrive. We've lost £750 million from our share price. We are losing £3.5 million a day. Dib the flowers up your mother's hole. And I can't, you haven't delivered them. And it isn't. But if this is Russia, I think we finally found something

that the British public could get behind the boots on the ground campaign for. Even Putin is not ready for a stressed home county's mum. It's her kid's birthday and she needs a Colin the Caterpillar. She doesn't need, you know, the little one like Steve the Moth or whatever. Well, without Colin the Caterpillar, if you don't have Colin the Caterpillar, then people in offices will not know if it's their birthday or not. It's not just flowers, it isn't just birthdays. There's people ordering swimming trunks and stuff like that

to go on their holidays, and then they hadn't arrived. Of course, Simon Calder's got to be on the line. He won't find out about the impact on people's holidays. I mean, you talk about a supervillain, it is like... An attack on M&S doesn't feel like the most supervillain thing, does it? Sitting in your volcanic island going, no, Mr Bond, I expect you to get your profiteroles from Lidl this week. Yes, well, to sum up this story. Pockets of limited availability, not only words spoken

on the snooker commentary during a particularly complex bout of safety play at the Crucible this week, but also a supply chain issue for Marks and Spencer, the celebrity retail behemoth which has been punched in the commercial groin by a cyber attack. Distro-M&S addicts were seen wandering the streets of Britain without luxury sandwiches, Percy pigs or any underpants. Deliveries of packaged foods to a cardo half owned by M&S were paused. The co-op shot down parts of its IT network after an attempted hack and Harrods was delighted to be added to the list of retailers hacked by the hacksters.

So at least it was in the news for something other than what it's usually in the news for. Right at the end of that round is now five to Ed and Lucy, four to Jeff and Marie. We're on to round two our North America round now and your not Trump starter question in round two Jeff Jeff and Marie, is which large North American country has just voted in a leader with no background in electoral politics? It's not anything to do with Trump so what is the answer? Could it perhaps be Canada? Correct. The Conservatives were leading in the poll for a very long time as well and then Trump got elected and then the Liberals kind of came back from the dead, and you know, obviously,

Carney became the leader, et cetera, and won. I will say my only slight disappointment, I think it has been really good news, but, so you know, I think it's F on races or stuff, like when the person who wins just sprays champagne everywhere. I'd love to see that with maple syrup. Because actually Australia, I think, is going to the polls as we speak,

and you know, the kind of like left. Government was meant to lose and actually is Doing okay, you know stay in power So this kind of idea that the US is now acting as a sort of like global portrait of Dorian Gray in the attic So it's getting more and more right-wing while the rest of the world is that oh no actually we're fine now. We've decided Mark Carney said they tried to break us so they could own us. I'm sorry. Is this boring mark Carney suddenly sounding like gladiator? I'm gluteus marcius carnius, father to an abandoned EU project, vocal proponent of quantitative easing.

I will have fiscal pressure in this life or the next. I mean, because Carney actually did the heroic love. We spoke about who's going to do the love actually thing of actually standing up to Trump, right? And Carney did it. You know, a bar snogging Martine McCutcheon. He basically delivered that. Whereas Starmer, if he did a romcom, who would Starmer be in a romcom?

He'd be the Jobsworth that almost stops the guy getting to the airport at the end, wouldn't he? I don't think you're allowed to go on that plane. I mean... Man, you're ruining the plot. I mean, the Canadian guy goes, they're trying to break us, but they won't. And our guy goes, you're trying to break us.

Would you like tickets to Windsor Castle? Canada is odd like that, isn't it? There's a whole French-speaking bit of Canada, Quebec Quebec and beyond where you get all these people and they speak French but they're Canadian so they're talking French but they're really friendly. Can I just say it's been so nice to meet you. I do feel the need to point out that one of the candidates, I actually looked them up, was called Sébastien Currino and he is the supreme dealer of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada.

So I'm actually quite disappointed, you know, he didn't win. I see that guy and I'll raise you, they had a candidate called Gerrit Dogger. Now you know you encourage some people not to investigate their family tree? You know. I did like the other catchphrase that they had which was, elbows up. Which you know, defiance in the face of US interference. But it's Canadian as you can get that elbows up because it's a defensive posture in ice hockey and of course it is simply polite table manners.

News breaking shortly before we record it, we'll have a question on this now. Ukraine and US have just signed a deal that will give the US access to some stuff in exchange for some other stuff. Who's getting the better end of that deal? I think it's whoever is getting the most stuff. Right, okay. It's the minerals deal, isn't it? Yes.

The minerals deal finally signed between UK, well that's the next one, but Trump's gonna get parts of Norfolk, but Keir would just go, and not only that, but you've got access to other Merlin attractions. The problem with the news, right, is when that broke down it was, we were all so sad. That bust up in the Oval Office, everything's over, the West is over, there's going to be Russian tanks in Cornwall within a week. And now it is actually quite benevolent.

It's better than everyone expected. The US adopted a more sort of hostile tone to Russia. But the news are like, yeah, don't tell the public about that. I'm like, please tell us the good stuff too. You know, no blackouts today. No constituents punched by their MPs today I have to say my favorite bit about this story And I'm just going to read from the actual news story was actually about Trump

So asked whether the minerals deal was going to inhibit Russian President Vladimir Putin. Trump said well it could Well, thank you back to the studio Because I'm in terms of the art of the deal I mean a lot of people pretty pretty skeptical about whether this deal will stick. We will do a full update on the story in let's say 35 years from now. I don't want to make the old end of the cold war mistake again. I mean the Trump's press secretary said the deal represents the US taking an economic stake in securing peace.

There was also talk from within the Trump administration about the importance of the value that will be created by them. I guess that's what wartime deals are all about. Who can forget Winston Churchill rousing this nation by saying, we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the hills, and we will never surrender because peace is an unmissable business opportunity. At the end of that round, the scores are now 8 to Jeff and Marie and 7 to Ed and Lucy. Moving on now to round 3, Ed and Lucy can take this

first of all the food and drink round and this is your not Trump starter question. It's not about Trump what is it about? Extending what tariff could make life a lot less sweet? No. Don't get me started on the sugar tax. Right. I hate it. They've ruined everything. I remember the first time I swigged a leukazade, it's in the title, leukazade because of glucose. It's supposed to be a source of sugar. And the first time I glugged one with a hangover at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

and tasted the bitter fakery of artificial sweetener, and I looked at it and went, oh man, they got you too. It was like invasion of the body snatchers. So I'm quite against it and now they want to ruin milkshakes as well. I think part of the problem... Am I getting... Is that coming across? Yeah, I'm quite against it and now they want to ruin milkshakes as well. Yes. I think part of the problem is... So I'm a Guinness. Am I getting... Is that coming across? Yeah, I'm getting that vibe. I feel it's wrong that I didn't have this much anger about Trump.

I think they're coming for adult drinks now because it's going to be like your coffees. And basically once you take the sugar out of my decaf oat milk latte, there won't be anything real left in it at all. It's just... It's also what it's doing just to the English language is that you now have literally I've seen it on cans things being marketed as a low calorie energy drink. Now does anybody know what a calorie is? The idea is that you know if you drink a caffeinated drink that's got no sugar in it, it just wires you to the moon. It doesn't give you any energy. It's a nervous breakdown in a can. That's all it is.

You're an adult man, have an espresso and then, you know, lightly want to kill yourself or others like normal people. If you didn't have sweet love, what would you want to have sweet drinks? For the taste. I've just come back from France because all the drinks, they're in the same bottles as we have back home, but they've got sugar in them. It's beautiful. Yes, because we can be trusted with those. I mean, look, this is yet another policy by Labour that's going to make them unpopular with the working classes, isn't it? What's next? You can't name your dog after a footballer. This is the only...

I mean, you're just expanding on a conservative policy. It was the Conservatives who brought it in, which to me seemed very odd, because it's a class example. It wasn't the only thing the Conservatives did that wasn't that conservative. I think that was quite their problem. They always tax people for eating unhealthy food. What about taxing people that eat healthy food, but post about it constantly? Let's tax those people.

This is literally the last thing that governments actually feel qualified to do. Just tax sugar. It's, what is it, 5% now? Then it'll be 3% tax. Then they'll tax you for playing Candy Crush. It's just, it is dismal. Or like you say, like where does a milkshake begin? I mean, I don't want to get the Supreme Court involved again, but it feels like that's the way this is going.

I think that compromise of keep the sugar but make them smaller because when I was a young girl, drinks were like normal size and now people are wandering around with drinks the size of a septic tank from a camper van. I totally agree because they always go for like McDonald's, KFC and Burger King. You know, they're coming from my family, really there. I've served the Colonel in many campaigns over the years. But then you see all the stuff people have at coffee shops. It's literally like a litre of diabetes. Well, moving on to a more positive food and drink health story,

Geoff and Marie, it's well known, of course, that drinking milk straight out of a cow reduces the risk of getting a paper cut when opening a milk carton. But drinking what other renowned liquid could reduce the risk of what medical issue scientists have found? Ferry liquid in constipation. LAUGHTER That feels like a piece of actual Trump policy from Trump 1.

LAUGHTER I'm pretty sure he said that at a news conference. It's champagne, innit? Champagne, and can help you stop getting what? It was sudden heart attacks. Yes. Sudden cardiac arrest. My whole life, I just think this is how these research facilities get funding. That's how they do it, is that every once in a while,

they tell you something that you're worried is bad for you is actually good for you, and it makes everybody happy. So you say, coffee helps stave off dementia, red wine, good for the heart, crack cocaine, good anti-inflammatory. I mean... Well, yeah, the whole thing is, because they said, yeah, champagne is good for you, and then,

as you say, they buried the lead a bit, because then you read on, and one of the contributory factors was maintaining a positive mood. And you go, well, if you're drinking a lot of champagne, presumably things are going pretty well. You know, your only worry is whether your butler's eye and your cummerbund for Glyndebourne. Drinking champagne, being thin, eating fruit and having a happy attitude. Being comfortably middle-class. Champagne is one of those things that I just can never imagine buying. It's a

level of like, imagine that that's your life, that you like literally buy champagne and just drink it. We cut to our French correspondent. During lockdown I bought a bottle of champagne for myself because my worst ex-boyfriend had just got fired from his job. The only time I've ever bought it, not for an occasion and I have no regrets I drank it in the bath I was not doing well to be clear. That is the most glamorous nervous breakdown I've ever heard of. Mr. French Lucy, they just do stuff differently. They're so stylish. I mean, one of the things with drinking generally

is that, like, if you had a problem with drink and you stopped drinking it, turned your life around, nothing but admiration for that. But there's another class of people that just stop drinking to prove that they can. And I've had enough of that. I... Do you know the ones where they sort of,

they do dry January and then they start saying these ominous things like, go, I just didn enough of that. I... Do you know the ones where they sort of, they do drive January and then they start saying these ominous things like, go, I just didn't miss it. You're like, I miss it. I miss you being fun. I miss... I miss nights out, when we're on 9pm. I miss anecdotes that didn't involve cycling.

I know we've had a pop at the middle class, but the cycling, what is it lads? I don't understand. Like, why do you wear all the gear? No one needs to be that aerodynamic for a hobby, man. I used to occasionally give up booze for a month to prove that I could do it. But then I was informed that apparently giving up booze for a month or so to prove you can do it is a sign of alcoholism. So I've made sure never to give up drink again. When people stop drinking, they say things about alcohol that they think are revelatory. So they'll say, like, you know you only drink to change the way you feel.

You're like, yeah. I've had 48 years being me, every so often the novelty wears off. I've had 48 years being me every so often the novelty wears off Scientists have claimed that Champagne can reduce your chances of having a sudden cardiac arrest sudden cardiac arrest of course is something that can stop you drinking champagne So good to know that it can work both ways Well, that's the end of our food and drink round and the scores are now ten points all Well, that's the end of our food and drink round, and the scores are now 10 points all. So for our final tie-break around with the scores tied, as tie-break arounds often are,

there was a poll this week of public behaviours that British people find most annoying. Littering of various sorts, picked up the silver medal, 96% and failure to pick up your dog's how should we put this on an esteemed program of historical record posterior turgilistic exflegrutions that topped the chart at 97% which does raise the question who are the 3% unless you are an actual dog raise the bar so our panelists have to tell me which of two things that are going to put some the British people find more annoying and the the first one, Ed and Lucy, what do British people find more annoying? A, not making room on the pavement for others to pass and B, coughing or sneezing without covering the mouth and nose.

What was interesting about that is that four of the things were basically about walking. Yes. Number five was not making room on a pavement for others to pass. Number eight was walking without paying attention to where you're going. Number 11 was suddenly stopping while walking. And number 19 was walking slowly. I didn't realize Britain was such a nation of A, poor walkers, or really busy walkers. Yeah, young people were much more, young people were much more annoyed about slow walking and walking generally and people my age. I've got no hurry to be anywhere. I just like to

stop and have a think. Right. But what do they find more annoying, poor pavement etiquette or failing to cover the snout area whilst coughing? I think it's the first one. Well, I don't know. I think women found bodily fluids being ejected willy-nilly. And I say willy-nilly advisedly.

I think women hated that more. I'm personally more bothered about people sharing their fluids. So I would go for that one, but you go for it. That is correct, but it's close. 88% of people were very or quite annoyed by people failing to cover their snout area whilst coughing and seizing. Only 87% got annoyed by not making room

on the pavement for others to pass. So what does that show about us as a nation that potentially spreading a pandemic is on a moral level with rude pedestrianism? Jeff and Marie, your one is this, what do people find more annoying, people swearing and using foul language or people talking loudly on their phone in public? It's got to be music out of the phone, is it? Like talking's bad.

Yeah, I really hope so. But also who cares that much about swearing? I think that, you know, exactly the second one is just so obviously more annoying. I think playing music out of phone, my issue is all generations are doing that, it's every age. But with teenage lads, it's almost always grime. And I don't mind a bit of grime, but it is always grime. And you're like, let's, you know, can we not have something a bit more accessible, you know, show tune, maybe a bit of Neil Diamond, something the whole character could enjoy. What I do is I've started like playing the content that I enjoy back to the lads. I'm like, yes, rest is history lads in your face. I'm happy to accede to your, you as a person. I say you're well spoken, I think you're probably right.

Well, you are correct, Marie. 69% of British people find other people talking loudly on their phone in public annoying. 51% find public swearing annoying. So running the stats on this, I think it means that if someone is talking loudly on their phone and you call them a... BEEP then you have statistically calmed the situation down. LAUGHTER

Well, it means that after a tiebreaker round, it is a tied match. So it's a draw between Geoff and Marie and Ed and Lucy. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I think to have a tiebreaker round and still end in a tie. LAUGHTER It's up there with a low-calorie energy drink for me. LAUGHTER And just time to plug the new BBC app.

It's Contagious. It partners people with a communicable illness with other people who fancy a few days off work. LAUGHTER It's hugely successful and seldom life-threatening, available via all the usual outlets. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zoltzman. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Taking part in the News Quiz were Lucy Porter, Jeff Norcott, Ed Byrne and Marie Leconte. In the chair was me, Andy Zoltzman, and additional material was written by Cameron Lockdale, Laura Major, Ruby Clyde and Eve Delaney. The producer was Rajiv Kauria, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. The Skewer. The Skewer. The Skewer. The news chopped and channelled. Angela Rayner escaped through an open gate into nearby woodland.

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