Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 6. Big Deals

Episode Date: May 30, 2025

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Andrew Maxwell, Ian Smith, Alex Kealy and Times columnist, Cindy Yu. They cover a triumph or a surrender (depending on who you ask) as well as reflecting on where you're most likely to spot a billionaire in the wild and the death of the semi-colon.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Christina Riggs, Laura Major and Christian Manley. Producer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, welcome to the news quiz. We are in Nottingham this week. We've come here to see how Nottinghamshire's pioneering progressive wealth distribution scheme is going. So controversial when it was launched by Mr. R. Hood of Sherwood Forest Wealth Distribution Management, Inc. over 800 years ago. Let me just check the Times Rich List published last weekend. Well, Robin, looks like it still needs quite a bit of work.

Our teams this week, marking Treasure Your Tropical Woodland Day and Local Government Administrative Areas Awareness Week, it's Team Forest against Team County. Oh god, that's too divisive, isn't it? On Team Forest, we have Andrew Maxwell and Alex Keighley. And on Team County, Ian Smith and Times columnist Cindy Yoo. And we'll start with a deals round this week.

This one goes to Andrew and Alex first. Why was the British government this week pleased to get a raw deal from the EU? I think this is about Brexit. Yes. I'll take my points now. This is about they've swapped fish for airports. Is that right? Basically Britain's handed over all its fish in return for being able to use the E-gate in an airport. I think that's one interpretation of it.

It's the right one. Unless you want to get a clip around the ear from my latest copy of the Daily Express, young man. There's no fishing, which is important. Yes. Because, you know, although fishing doesn't actually make up very much of the British economy, right, it's less than a quarter of 1%.

Britain actually makes more money from leatherworking than fishing. But it's the emotional resonance, yeah? When people in Britain think of fishing, they think of the heroes of Dunkirk. They think of the small fishing family boats that set sail from the Kentish coast and defied the strafing of the Luftwaffe to save the British expeditionary force on the beaches in Dunkirk. You know? Fishing! Heroes!

And when they think of leather, they think of perverts. Or Germans. Or German perverts. What are they doing to the pilchards, Andy? What are they doing to them? I mean, it's a good answer. It's not one I was specifically looking for. Alex, can you explain why it was a raw deal? Well, it's about the ability for farmers to trade

raw meat now with the EU, isn't it? Well, you couldn't. You couldn't trade raw meat with the EU, farmers to trade raw meat now with the EU, isn't it? Well, you couldn't. You couldn't trade raw meat? You couldn't? That must have been heard. If you were a fisherman.

Cindy, politically there's been a lot of claim and counterclaim over exactly what this deal means for the country. Well, my favourite coverage was Boris Johnson writing in The Daily Star that Stammer was, and I quote him, an orange ball chewing Brussels gimp. And then The Daily Star mocked up a picture of Stammer in a gimp suit. So you should all check that out. Right. So that fearless commitment to objective journalism that...

It's truth to power, Andy, it's truth to power. A real journalist wouldn't need to mock up that image. Just get a long lens camera and just bide your time. Jesus, if only Stammer got around in a leather gimp costume. He looks like the sort of man that buys his jumpers in the supermarket. Is Starmes' strategy with the agribusiness deal to basically try and get farmers earning more so that he

can then tax them when they die? Is that the sort of? Yes, that's playing the long game, I think. I think the problem with this is that the new standards are called sanitary and phytosanitary agreements. And we're dynamically aligning with the called sanitary and phytosanitary agreements and we're dynamically aligning with the EU sanitary and phytosanitary agreements. So you know if you can't really say that in one sentence without fumbling it, then it's gimp soup isn't it?

And isn't it, this is going to help out people exporting sausage and cheese. It's going to help the cheese industry out a lot. Because I don't know if you know this, but we currently import two-thirds of our cheese. And that is a disgrace. Well, chasery is getting important. What are we talking about here? I don't know. I get a lot of my opinions from this trust. I don't know I get a lot of my opinions from this trust A very limited set of opinions that if I was to say them all it only maybe lasts about 40 days

It's very much a two-way relationship as well, isn't it? She basically based her prime ministership on your stand-up, I think Yeah, I'm trying to keep that on the down low More specific some of the the deal why in this new post-Brexit order, I think that's a great way of putting it, are youth and experience being brought together? Anyone? Erasmus is back. Erasmus is actually one of the most common names for someone going on a gap year. Erasmus and I are backpacking around Romania. But yeah, it's back apparently.

I think it's not back quite yet. What's back is the talks to bring it back. I take it back, it's not back, but it's back in, it's coming back soon. Did you know there's a million Erasmus babies in Europe? Really? Yeah. There's a massive glut of people who, you know,

met in the Erasmus schemes and their man's Dutch and the dad's from, you know, Malta. So how many of them are living in Malta? Because Malta's quite small. It is small. It's a rocky outcrop. Yes. But I tell you what, St. Paul was grateful for it.

Quite a pound for every time someone said that line on this show. And apparently, Kemmy Badenock has said already that she would overturn the idea of getting her asthma's back. If she were to get re-elected, she'd overturn it. But that's a bit like me talking about where I would take Scarlett Johansson on our first date. I can't just say, what a hurtful round of applause.

I actually genuinely did. I learned German as a teenager. It was a common market or whatever the name was before the EU. When I was 16 I lived in a Bavarian village. I learnt German fluently. Did you leave a baby behind? A baby? Maybe. Yeah, so I was in Bavaria. So I've lived as a German and let me tell you about Germans. They're lovely people but when they retire you can't keep the clothes on them It's the number one thing that I learned

Well deeply embedded in German society the minute they turn 66, it's clogs out in the park You don't even know they're naked. That's the freaky thing They don't even know they're naked. That's the freaky thing. For our next question, our panel can choose their favorite 1990s American rock band, and the question will be themed around a lyric by that band. Ian, you're getting Green Day. I'm giving you a Green Day lyric. Okay. I'm giving you a Green Day lyric. Oh, okay. So, wake me up when September ends, sang American Rocks' Green Day, who were, it seems, no fans

of county championship cricket. But why might fans of using their passports quickly be cranking the volume up to 11 on wake me up when September ends this week and tearfully whimpering, it's like they wrote this song for me. Oh, yeah, well, so this is the potential return of us going through E-gates, which is just what Northern people call gates. E-gates! But yeah, apparently it will be around October where we might be able to use them.

So if you're going on holiday in August, by the time you get to the end of that queue, you will then be able to go through the E-Gate. I do. Well, see, obviously, I'm Irish, but my missus and all the kids, all four of our kids are British citizens. So when we go on holidays, like, obviously, I scoot straight through. And then I've got to wait around for these brits in the pub.

Real women and children first approach. I didn't make the decision. My three-year-old voted for this. So I mean in terms of you know where we are in our relationship with the EU, I mean is this genuinely a new era? I mean it kind of feels like 10 years ago, you know, it feels like it's all happening again. I'm sorry that laugh is from a traumatised journalist who's been reporting on it since 2017 or so. And yeah we've been here before, you know, the current deal that's been signed is very very similar to the kind of stuff that Theresa May would have signed that the Conservative Party absolutely sacrificed her for,

which is why, you know, I think it would be very annoying to be a Tory not in government these days because you're thinking, we tried all of this, but our party didn't let us actually do it. And now you guys get to take the credit for the E-gates. I hope we never stop talking about Brexit. I hope long after I'm dead, long after we're all gone, that it's series 8,000 of the news quiz. The Zoltzman 400 robot is presenting it. On the panel, there's a microphone

pointed at a jar with Mark Steele's brain in it. Going on one of his classic rants, but he's just got no mouth. He's still doing it. Going on one of his classic rants but he's just got no mouth, he's still doing it. The great great great great great great grandson of Rory Stewart will be on, they've probably got a podcast. And then yeah I reckon Mary Berry's still going. Right. In terms of you know people saying this is a great betrayal, is there any truth in that? Priti Patel called it a surrender summit and Nigel Farage called it a surrender summit,

but as he was on holiday he just kept saying surrender summit again and again, louder and slower until the waiter pretended they understood. Kirsten Armer's efforts to pull at least a butter knife sized Brex Scalibur out of the stone of negotiations have resulted in an agreement with our erstwhile continent spanning trading partners covering trade, fisheries, security, youth mobility, energy cooperation, environmental standards, and much, much more.

It's been variously described as a historic deal and a great betrayal. Why can't it be both? Have we not learned that we don't necessarily have to choose between two extreme options? historic deal and a great betrayal. Why can't it be both? Have we not learned that we don't necessarily have to choose between two extreme options? Speaking for the government, Nick Thomas-Simmons, Britain's chief negotiator, held a historic day saying the deal

was good for jobs, good for bills, good for borders. And this is what Brexit was for, to give us the freedom to make trade deals with globally significant powers like the European Union that we were unable to do whilst we had our hands tied by being in the European Union. The deal will make Britain £9 billion richer and make food cheaper, according to the government. Critics retorted, no it won't. And it's hard to know where the truth lies between...

But whatever your view of and relationship with Brexit, if you will, your Brexuality, in many ways, this deal and the reaction to it shows that perhaps Brexit is a rare example of a successful political compromise, in that no one has got exactly what they want. Brexitarians aren't happy with the Brexit that they thought they voted for not being given to them. Remainsters and Rejoiniacs think it's a worse version of what we had before and a worse version of what we could have in the future. So for once, everyone in our proud nation is united because everyone is hacked off and if things don't work out, everyone can blame everyone else.

Another deal, well just breaking before we record, is the Chegos Islands deal in which we're going to pay 101 million pounds a year There's clearly a lot of haggling over that precise number. I mean, I think the government wanted 99 because it just seems so much less But it is a 99 year deal with an option for another 40. Is that enough? It's a good amount of time. Yeah to secure a prime piece of military stuff. Well, I guess when your empire has declined in the way that ours has, you've got to cling on to everything. Haven't you?

I don't really think it counts as an empire anymore when you're paying for it. Right. At the end of our Europe round the scores are five to Andrew and Alex, four to Ian and Cindy. We're in the home county of Robin Hood to self-styled Rachel Reeves of the early Plantagenet era. So this question, in 1990 there were only 15 of them but in 2024 there were 165 so statistically it's been one of the most successful breeding schemes in our nation's history. What

species are we talking about here? Libsons? Is it millionaires? No, you've got to go higher than that. Billionaires. Billionaires, correct. Billionaires. Are you excited by this Ian? It's just good to hear some positive news for those people. I'm very pleased for them.

But there's one good thing about this, which is just that it's nice to see the redistribution happen. Actually, one pensioner has got off much better and that's the king. He's now as rich as Rishi Sunak and his wife. £640 million. Yeah, so there's quite a lot of money. So is it true to say that when we're thinking about the winter fuel payments, which are trying to raise £1.4 billion,

that the only place to get it was from the poor. But if it's about means testing, then maybe we just make the billionaires means test that like I think that would be a good TV show to make billionaires justify why they need every single billion that they have. And that would be like a sort of fun reality TV event where they have to justify every element of their expenditure to the general public. Like a reverse Dragon's Den, where you go in and say, I would like to keep hold of four billion pounds. And then you just have various working class judges going, for me it's a no.

So the Wender fuel payments cuts were intended to save 1.4 billion pounds. According to the Times Rich List, the richest family in Britain, the Hindujas, if they were to step up to the plate and pay that 1.4 billion pound tab themselves for the next five years, so between 7 billion, how far down the top 300 in the Rich List would they drop? Anyone? Zero places. No, would they drop? Anyone? No, would they? That's correct, yes they would still be top if they paid the Winterfield payments tab for five years.

But yes we'd get 1.4 billion from them, but then we'd still, isn't he 85, we'd start to pay them 300 quid. So it does seem, talk about wealth tax and for whatever reason politically, why do you think politicians are afraid of a wealth tax? Well you have to keep them in the country in order to levy the tax. In the last year London has lost 11,000, I've got here my notes, 11,000 millionaires we've lost. Sad, so sad. So sad.

So sad. I just can't hear them shouting in restaurants anymore. And there's just so many dudes that just are rich. I was at the rugby a couple of seasons back and I was in Twickenham, right? And I was sat beside this very posh man. Lot of fun. Yeah, big red face, red jeans.

Fun. Bloody good guy. Bloody fun. We were making small talk at halftime and I just casually asked him, he was a good crack lick, I asked him, what do you do for a pilot? Laughter Applause Applause Applause

Right, so, it does appear there is quite a lot of money knocking around, and what I want from our panel is their dream public project and how much they're budgeting for it. So, what's your dream public project to improve the nation? My project involves the billions of billionaires. So I would institute a Hunger Games between

billionaires and then the last person standing would take half of everyone else's money, then the other half would go towards funding the next year's Hunger Games. And I just think this would bring the nation together. Well that definitely would. Ian, do you want to watch your dream public project to improve the nation? It was a while ago now, but I used to really love watching, you know the TV show Ice Road Truckers? I think we turned the M1 into an ice road. And I reckon I can do that for 10 billion. 10 billion?

I think one billion is, the easy bit is water. The hard bit is keeping it frozen. So one billion for the water, nine billion towards refrigerating around 190 miles of ice road. And you might be thinking, Ian, what's the point of that? And it's a very good point. But I just, I think it would be fun. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's basically the rationale behind HS2 as well, I think. And we bring back woolly mammoths to go on the ice roads,

because we've been saying we'll bring back mammoths for ages. Why don't we, let's get mammoths to go on the ice roads because we've been saying we'll bring back mammoths for ages why don't we let's get mammoths done right and everybody gets a golden stick everybody gets a golden stick and the new national sport of the country is who can stick the golden stick into the moving spokes of e-scooters quick and all? At the end of our economics round, it's now seven points all. But both our teams can double their points with our special bonus. Genocide, is it or isn't it question? It's a simple choice between two options.

Who did the leader of the free world say this week is suffering a genocide after all? So here are your two choices. Was it A, the people of Gaza or B, white South Africans? Can anyone take a guess? Just confirming it was Donald Trump who said this. It was Trump. That does help. The leader of the free world, yeah. It was B. It was Trump. The leader of the free world, yeah. It was B.

It was B, yes. The funny thing about this one, well none of it's funny actually, but you're the president of South Africa. You go to Washington to see the president of the US and it's a video claiming to show this genocide and the South African president, Sir Abraham Mposa, just keeps such a straight face. He is a real professional, you know. I mean that is a that's probably one of the hardest

moments of his career so far. What do you do when this happens? And do you think that is the blueprint for all political leaders now? Just basically it's a like a game of stairs where you can't giggle. I think you go for stoic like Sirio Ramaphosa or you go for sicker fancy like Keir Starmer. Oh my god yes you're so right president I love your golf club. I like the bit where he he brought out some printouts and he started going through them and just going death death death horrible death like he's gone in some weird Shakespearean soliloquy, like he'd lost his mind. But it's very rare that you're winning an argument

and clutching a printout from the Daily Mail at the same time. LAUGHTER It just comes from the man who renamed the Gulf of Mexico into the Gulf of America. Which apparently has made all working-class Americans 300% richer. So, yeah, he's just doing what he was elected for. I mean, in terms of the scales of history between the suffering

of white South Africans against the suffering of non-white South Africans, I mean, that's... I mean, look, I'm the son of a white South African. My father moved to Britain in the 1960s. So it's not dead level, is it? That's amazing. I think it's fair to say that. I mean, I think this whole thing, you know, there's been a long period of time where a

lot of people have wanted what's been happening in Gaza to be called out as a genocide by world leaders. And I think basically, Donald Trump is like a sort of evil genie who will do what you want him to, but not exactly as you want unless you're incredibly specific with your terms and conditions. So he's like, oh, I'll call something a genocide. That's good advice for any world leaders listening to the

show, and I know they do. And well, just to wrap up this bit for our younger listeners, we are running, in association with the United Nations, a young peace broker of the year competition. So if you're under the age of 70, just simply complete the following sentence. I think everyone should just learn to get along because dot, dot, dot, in no fewer than 300,000 words, plus supporting graphs

and some maps with some hastily drawn lines on. LAUGHTER And do send that in to the BBC. Right! Well, the scores are still level, which means that we're going to our tie-breaker round. Researchers have found evidence of a huge decline in the frequency of what's appearing in books published in the UK. Well, I used to, at school, I used to see a lot of, I do if you have had this in a textbook,

you'd get on a page and there'd be a little note in it saying, if you want to know a secret, go to page 32. You'd be like, of course I want to know a secret. You go to page 32, go to page 46 to find out the secret. You're like, come on! And then it's 98, 123. You go in ages, eventually you realise you're back on 32 and it was all a lie. Is it that? It's not that, no. Any other suggestions? It's the semicolon.

Correct. Which is a punctuation that has never really... I don't really know how to explain it. I do use it, but it just feels right sometimes. And sometimes it just doesn't feel right. Yeah, so I mean it's quite a sort of weird, slightly outdated piece of punctuation. Did you know it was invented by a man? The semicolon? Yeah. Really? It didn't just come out of the blue. Really? It was a man called Aldous Pius Manutius the Elder. And he invented it in 1494.

Imagine how they lived before that. Animals. I like the implication that the other punctuation marks weren't invented and were just found naturally in nature. Yeah. Alex, I know you're a huge punctuation fan and seldom use a sentence without some form of punctuation. Thank you...

I'm an M-dash fan myself. Do we like an M-dash? I like an M-dash. People nodding and loving M-dashes. It's sort of M-dashes just sort of semicolons with a kind of baseball cap on backwards. I feel they sort of do the same job. Are we running out of ampersands? That could be one of the great untold scandals of this country.

The latest symbol of national decline. You think that's why Stammer's just sold all the ampersands? At the bottom of the market. They're luxuriating with the sharpest S's and the oom blouts. I also, this is not strictly punctuation based, but one of the things that I think, I feel like really defines me is how I do my sevens. I don't know if, you might have some absolute losers in here who just do two lines on a seven.

I'm doing one, two, HWACK down the middle, third, I absolutely love it. It's so satisfying to go bang bang, HUH! With like the, I love it, I feel like Zorro when you go and be like, I do it with different numbers now, just because it's fun. And I've been told that I've invalidated two separate mortgage agreements, actually. Yes, researchers performed a semi-colonoscopy on the state of our language and found that the usage of the celebrity punctuation mark is falling so fast that it will soon be in danger of being unable to use itself to punctuate a list of the reasons for its own demise. Correct punctuation has, of course, been on a downward slide in this country pretty much ever since Culture Club had a 1983 chart-topping single in which lead singer Boy George used five commas before the word chameleon. This is my job. This is my job.

With, er, with... It's disgusting to watch you look to pretend to be embarrassed by that. No shame. So the final scores, 11 to Andrew and Alex, 10 to Ian and Cindy. APPLAUSE And don't forget to check out our new BBC Byte Size guide to Nazi motifs and tropes that you should probably keep an eye out for before reposting something on social media. LAUGHTER

Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. Goodbye! APPLAUSE Thank you for listening to the New Quiz. Goodbye. APPLAUSE Taking part in the New Quiz were Ian Smith, Andrew Maxwell, Cindy Yu and Alex Skeely. In the chair was me, Andes Altman, and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Laura Major and Christian Manley. The producer was Gwynn Rees-Davies, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. APPLAUSE I'm Gwynn Rees-Davies and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. and channeled Angela Rayner escaped through an open gate into nearby woodland. All okay? Yes, she's absolutely fine. Other than a little bit tired, she was found in a pond.

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