Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep1. The Burnham bounce?

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Is it too soon for the "Burnham bounce"? Can you rent No 10 Downing Street for £55 a night? How are laundry rooms going to save prisons? It's all up for discussion this week. Your panel is Pierre Novellie, Alasdair Beckett-King, Coco Khan and Kyrah Gray.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Adrian Gray, Alice Etches, Pravanya Pillay and Mike Shephard Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Giulia Lopes Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like Evil Genius, Good, Bad Billionaire, and You're Dead to Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts ad-free with an Amazon music subscription. I'm Andy Zaltzman. Welcome to the new series of the News Quiz. It's September, so the transfer window has now slammed shut. but without me getting my dream move to present farming today,

or real housewives of Tumbridge Wells. So the best we better crack on with the show, our teams this week, we have Team Buyer Tapestry against Team Buy a tapestry. I can't even get a ticket to see the tapestry. On Team Buy, we have Pierre Novelli and from Pod Save the UK, Cocoa Khan. On Team C, we have Kyra Gray and Alistair Beckett King.

Our first question this week, we can go to Pierre and Coco, So who did what for the first time this week? Ah, this is our new PM. He addressed the Commons. Correct. He laid out his stall. It's all going to be different from now on.

For too long, things have been bad, and now they will be good. It's a big relief. It's about time someone had the guts to stand up there and promise the bad things will be good. I think we can all agree. That's that done. He came in a bit like, you know, when...

Did this happen in your school? A teacher had a mental breakdown halfway through the term. And then the PE teacher had to come in and take over with an attitude of like, all right, year 10, you know, you drove Mr Starman nuts, you're not going to do that to me.

Had that kind of energy. Not a lot of substance, but a lot of vibes. I quite like Andy, you know. Because you hear Andy and you're like, oh, eh, op, Andy, do you know what I mean? Like, Andy that used to clean the leaves after the storm. That's how, that's what I think.

think about when I hear Andy. But I feel like he came in really strong and I'm liking his vibes, man. I saw a couple quotes. I was like, if you put a beat behind that, you tell me that's not 50 cent right now. I love me some Burnham. I don't know. That's my prime minister. His first PMQs, I think generally speaking, everyone thinks he did pretty well. The downside is that people are still waiting for Andy Burnham to say declaratively what he's going to do. We still don't really know a number of the questions that were asked for him he was very much like yeah yeah we're looking at it and there will kind of be money there was

a little bit of the Oprah you get a car you get a car you get a car you get a car so it was a good first outing I think for the people who support him they'll be very pleased with it and let's see if you can keep it up but we're still here wondering what's going to happen but you are saying that being able to communicate with other human beings is a useful

skill for a politician yeah yeah yeah it's taken us a while to pick that one up he's kind of gesturing towards big ideas like maybe nationalizing water but not actually committing to it and I think that's probably quite wise because I don't think you can just go out

and you can't just nationalize water the basis of all human life you know that's it's a little bit risky you know after privatization of the water system has been such an enormous success it's so convenient for me as a customer you know if I want to switch to a different supplier all I have to do is move nearer to a different reservoir

It's handy. It's practical, and if I don't like paying the prices I'm paying, I can just go outside and see water freely gushing from a broken Victorian main. The options are there for me. Yeah, I think it's great that the reason we don't all have lead poisoning is because the water in London is so hard that the lime scale blocks the lead.

That is the official anti-lead poisoning strategy. It's just cockney water. It's just too hard. At least we don't have that woke northern water. Yeah. Have you ever drunk a cup of tea that doesn't have stuff floating on it? It's amazing. Go to Yorkshire and have a cup of tea and you will never return to London.

Kara and Alistair, what did Burnham say that he as Prime Minister is going to do differently? Start ironing his shirts because he doesn't iron his shirts. And for me, I need you to have a mean collar if I'm going to give you my taxes, Andy. He came, the first day he came a bit scruffy, you know, shirt was untapped, I said, yeah, you know, just get a steamer, it's all right. Amazon, quick things, man, so that's what I wrote down, and I hope that's what the answer is. I don't know, I have hopes for what Vernon will achieve. I would like him to make it illegal to say, are you enjoying the sun to gingers, I think?

Do I look like I'm enjoying it? I've gone transparent. What did what do you say was going to do differently? All the bad things they're going to be good now

right that's the big difference I think and I for one I'm looking forward to it it was a yeah just everything he listed all the bad things

and he said well no more they'll be good from now on in a way that I refuse to be drawn on at the moment and everyone went wow great

so you know it's optimistic well that's good I mean what he actually said He's going to do politics differently? Any evidence of that so far? Yeah, I mean, he's been talking about electoral reform,

and even though people who want electoral reform probably have been a bit disappointed, he's traditionally been a bit of a champion of it, and he hasn't said that he will do it right now, so I think people will find that disappointing, but he hasn't ruled it out. I mean, he hasn't ruled out lots of things, which, again, ties into this ongoing thing

about what's he going to do, what, you know, people are still waiting on it. But, you know, electoral reform could be quite seismic. It could change the two-party system. It could give people the opportunity to vote for who they actually like, not who they dislike more, least? How does that work?

You know what I mean? Is it going to be like in restaurants where they say, we do things a bit differently here, and then it's a restaurant again? Or do you bring food to the table that I've asked for? And they go, yeah. I mean, the problem with changing the electoral system, obviously first past the post does massively skew

the opinions of the nation in terms of how we're represented in Parliament. But it has one great benefit, and that is that, Generally, the incoming government has been voted for by only these days, with a low turnout, about 20 to 25% of the electorate, which gives 75% to 80% of us carte blanche to mown our arces off for the next. I don't think we're ready to give that up as a nation. Any policy announcements that have caught your eye? Well, I did see that one of his priorities was regenerating communities, which I do appreciate, and I do understand.

But in London, we're going to struggle. We struggle with community because we're very bad at communication. Like today, a man held the door open for me, and I accidentally said, I love you. If that doesn't show you that I'm not used to talking to people when I'm outside, you know, I'd love to see what he's going to do to help me there. So I'm all for it. Does that mean you don't love me? In the way that I love Nutella, you know? I'm extremely bad for you.

in large doses get a room guys anything specific policy wise there's this romance emerging between him and Ed Davey that's certainly what people were saying when in PMQs they shared a look at each other

to say we know the truth Brexit was bad and also like you know there is a possibility that if we do go to another election there's no one No one gets a majority. It could be a lib lab-packed. Lib-lab love.

That's going to be the T-shirt at the conference. You've heard it here first. I own that now. I want 10% of the T-shirt sales for that. What about you, Pia? Any particular policies that have excited you? All I care about is nuclear. All I want is more nuclear power plants.

I've said it a thousand times. I'm Mr. Burns. It's all I want. I will have it in my garden if we have to. I don't mind. But they'll never... It was too vague, I don't know. It's all sounded good, but it's easy to sound good.

Where's the 800-page planning document? Well, there's talk of the Burnham Bounce when Andy Burnham took over, and already, six weeks in, people are questioning whether the Burnham bounce is already over. I mean, he could be half the way through his prime ministership already. I just don't know. Is it a bounce if you softly roll?

roller ball into a room? I don't know. That's sort of how he's taken power. I don't know how bouncy does a bounce have to be to be an actual bounce, not a partial excerpt of a slow motion time-lapse video of a splat. I thought the burn and bounce was a dance. You start out doing that stance that Oasis used to stand in,

you know, like you've got a Victorian disease. And then you back it up, just like Burnham backed up the Iraq War. That's right. I haven't forgotten. And then you throw your hands. in the air like you just don't care. That's what I've been doing. You know, I read through the list of the policies, and it's all things I kind of agree with, but expressed like 12% as angrily as I would say them. But in spite of all this, I was looking at the polls, and he remains the most popular of the current party leaders,

which admittedly is like being the world's sexiest ventriloquist. But it's not nothing. Say that, Keith Harris. You know, look, People were talking about how would he manage on the world stage? He recently went to Ukraine. And by all accounts, he did quite well. He was quite strong.

He showed himself to be statesman-like. He did wear a shirt. There was a little moment, though, where he did play the Smiths on the guitar to a Ukrainian soldier. And I don't know if that's what they wanted. But it's what he did. You know that way of a leader comes to, like,

gee up the troops? Right. And saying, heaven knows I'm miserable now. I'm pretty sure it was just... If there's one singer that'll get our... boy is fighting, it's Morrissey. I mean, like we say, just six weeks in, this week, Guardian article says Burnham has already made a mistake that will cost him as

Premiership, Telegraph with classic sensitivity to world events, Burnham's premiership is already dead in the water. Six weeks, I guess, I mean, news moves fast these days. It's not like the old days, is it, when the news cycle was 20 years until they'd finish the tapestry. So Andy Burnham, as we... touched on, has pinned the tale of blame for the state of our economy onto the twin donkeys of Thatcherism and Brexit. What I want from our panel now is to tell me who they blame and

for what? Well, I feel a bit silly now, but this is a sentimental moment, but I blame Santa Claus for my low self-esteem. I'm being so serious. Like, I used to see my neighbours get in PlayStation's and I've got Play-Doh. Oh, we all right? I spent years thinking Santa Claus was just racist. So that is what that's, I'm a lot more emotional than I should be. It's where I stand. I blame wind farms for the heat wave. All right.

You can show you what they're big fans. And what's hotter than an oven, Andy? I'm just saying once it's hot, stop blowing the air around. And I blame Batman films for my unrealistic dreams of rooftop access. Those doors are all locked. Can't just go there. Yes, with Parliament back from its summer recess, Andy Burnham, who at the end of our last series

was but a twinkle in the Labour Party's eye, spoke in the House of Commons for the first time as Prime Minister. And people are already asking, is the Burnham bounce over? In fact, was it a bounce at all? Opinion pollsters are suggesting that it wasn't really burn and bouncing so much as everyone else falling into a ditch with uncontrollable food poisoning.

All things are relative. Burnham promised to unlock positivity in Britain, which for me is not the best use of our national resources. We have an excess of negativity, and I feel it would be economically better to try and harness that. It's what I'm sure it's not naturally. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows,

like evil genius, good, bad billionaire, and you're dead to me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of, our podcasts, ad-free, with an Amazon music subscription. So, this question can go to Kyra and Alistair. Who did not manage to crack the UK, but now wants to go global? Oh, it's very sad, isn't it?

It's very sad. This is Kirstama. Correct. Delivered Kirstama. The people's princess, in many ways. I think Elton John is planning to re-record candle in the wind. Before his time, you know, he said it's time to pass the bat on to someone else. I'm not an expert in sport.

I think when you're playing the relay race, it's traditional to pass the baton on before tripping over your own ass. It's going headfirst into a water feature, but still, it's moved me. Kirstama is looking outward. Basically, he's approaching it like a divorce dad. He's like, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

It's a new me. Get a leather jacket, get a motorbike. Focus on my other interests, you know, development, international relations, ladies. Yes, he's stepping down as an MP. Who's going to miss him? Well, don't we go. He was sort of

of Prime Minister or an MP the way I tried to learn the guitar. It's sort of a burst of enthusiasm and then as you realize that it's sort of impossible for you, you just go, ah. That's kind of it really. You sort of think,

maybe I'll be a lifelong ambassador for people who can play the guitar and just recommend bands instead of being in one. But I think he's going to thrive in his new career. I think Ibitha holiday rep. That's why I'm here. With his skill set and CV, you think that's...

I think so. Any other suggestions for what Kirstalma might do next? He could be Gunasaurus. Yeah. If you're not aware of Gunasaurus, Gunasaurus is the mascot for Arsenal. It's a dinosaur, hence thoris. And I think, you know, they have a lot of shared qualities.

They both love Arsenal. Mainly the job is just killing time and not really doing a huge amount. And that people don't really know what is underneath the exterior. Yeah, right. No one believes Gannosaurus when he says he likes pints. Even though he does like pints. And that's the Greek tragedy of the man.

I think he'd be a very good realist life coach. You might be able to do it, but probably not. That was his general vibe. I feel like he'd be a great Jehovah's Witness, man. That's kind of... He's just the kind of guy you want to slam the door in the face of, in it? He's just like, all right, enough kind of vibe.

Does anyone know if he has any connections in the tool-making industry? It's a famous saying all political careers end in failure, but there does seem to be an increasing tendency for them to start and middle in failure as well. So it's going to be a by-election in Hoban and some pancreas-starmer's seat. It's going to have to go some to win the coveted statured,

stupidist by-election campaign of the year trophy at decaying Democracy Weekly magazine annual gala awards ceremony but hopefully they can step up to the plate. Zach Polanski, the Green Party leaders, said he's going to run for the seat. Is this a risky gambit? I think it was going to be a spicy by-election. I can't believe I'm saying that. Oh my God. These are the times we're in spicy by-election.

So it looks like it's a very decent chance for Zach Polanski. If he does win, then he gets to be an MP, which makes sense, given that he's a leader of a significant party. But it means that three leaders of the main parties basically became MPs in the last three months. So this conversation we're having about churn, I mean, wow. Best defence strategy for labour, drain the canals. If Polanski can't sail into the constituency,

it might be vital to keep him away at any costs. It seems kind of like an outside chance. perhaps outside of London, you know, because Polanski isn't that popular, the Greens are not that popular. But this is, what is it, Hoban and St. Pankras? This is a London constituency, and London is not the rest of the UK. And this was brought home to me on the waste of the recording. I was on a train platform, and a weary voice came over the PA and said, customers are reminded, unicycling is not permitted. Anywhere on the TFL network. So I just got off and put it under my arm.

My point is it's a different world, you know. Polanski could do it. Anyway, you're all incorrect. Obviously, he's a former Prime Minister. He's going to do a podcast. That's that. So the Conservatives then up against this new opponent in Andy Burnham. Kemi Badernock this week told Burnham,

it was time to ditch what? Kemi told Andy Burnham, time to ditch those glasses, saying he was more beautiful without. that was very much unspoken if it was there at all. His wife? You can't tell me she wasn't flirting with him. You can't, man.

I'm so sure that her foreplay is like, yeah, let the kids starve. Do you know what I mean? I feel like she wants him. I don't know. Any other suggestions? Time to ditch. Vibes. Correct. Vibes is the correct answer.

I think also it's a silly thing to say that you should have less vibes. Vibes are literally an important part of our defence. The nuclear deterrent is mainly vibes-based and hopefully continues to be only vibes-based. We need to give the vibe that we're willing to use it. That's the vibe. And also, to be fair to Burnhamy,

has promised to commit the NATO recommended minimum 4% of our national vibes to defence. One final politics-related question. Where, apparently, can you stay in central London for the bargain price? of just £55 £5 a night? I think this is 10 Downing Street. Correct. Is that right?

Yes. It's not true, unfortunately. Which magazine did an experiment, which, and this will shock you, proved that sometimes people lie on the internet. I was as startled as you are. Apparently they listed 10 Downing Street on booking.com. They did a fake listing with all fake reviews

saying, oh, we hung out with the cat, or there was some guy moving in. It was very amusing. And it wasn't true. And eventually, booking.com took it down and Liz Truss had a deposit returned. Number 10 Downing Street

was briefly listed as a holiday property on the travel website, booking.com. You could rent it for just £55 a night, which is a bargain, although, of course, paying money for access to number 10 also comes with the added bonus of a free seat in the House of Lords.

Right, at the end of that round, round, the scores are six points all. Just some breaking news reaching us. Police have reported that the international bond markets have escaped. The bond markets are described as extremely dangerous, and the police have advised that the public should not approach them directly. Official

government advice if you're being chased by a bond market is to run in a zigzag and then climb a tree. Right, moving on to our second round now, I want to ask our panel about the story is they truly care about, but how can you know what people really care about these days?

Because so often words can be deceptive. So rather than an awkward and potentially untrue conversation, I'm going to use Meta's new telepathico AI glasses. I've got these special glasses which enable you to read the mind of whoever you're looking at, which I have here.

This is a radio show. Coco, I'm a show. I'm now going to read your mind to find out what story you're thinking about. Hmm. You're thinking about how best to maximise the use of space. Right. So your question on using space, who, if I'm interpreting this story correctly,

could soon be spending a lot of time handcuffed to a tumbled dryer? So this is not an interior design question. That it is, really, yeah. Okay. I think you're talking about prisons. Correct. Which is a version of changing rooms not yet done. but maybe could be.

Yes. Because it turns out the prisons need redesigning. We don't have enough space for all the prisoners. There was a lot of talk about an early release scheme to relieve some of the pressure on prisons, which has been building since the 90s, lots of different reasons for why that's happening. But understandably, there was an outcry.

Some of the prisoners that were due for early release under this scheme were violent. You know, it included people who were convicted for the death of a police person. Yeah, understandably there was a, there was an outcry and so Andy Burnham has backtracked on that or rather he's amended it and said it will go ahead but we'll take out all the violence criminals nonetheless the pressure that was going to be released

by this scheme is gone so now we're looking at redesigning laundry rooms we're looking at redesigning prison offices so this yeah this is prisons trying to find more space I mean how creative do we need to be with this I think it's time for the prison of the mind I think I'm in the prison of the mind

I think I'm in the prison of the mind. Yeah, but you should be released from the prison of the mind, and instead we get all these criminals, and we destroy their self-confidence by showing them footage of really handsome, competent criminals who are kind of amazingly deft at pickpocketing and great at getting away with murders and things, and really wear them down to a nub,

so they just don't have the confidence to commit crime again, and they just kind of slouch around all sad. Right, I think that might be the most coherent criminal. criminal justice policy we've heard of several years. Any other suggestions of how to, you know, what else might we use for impromptu slammers? I think, you know, there are some businesses they make a point of hiring ex-convicts, which is really good. And I think we need to take that one step further and start hiring people who are currently in prison. That's one possibility. And there's a place on my street, which is like a vape shop slash cryptocurrency internet cafe,

and they've gone one step further. And they're hiring people who are, are currently committing crime. I just think it's fantastic outreach. Yes, it was proposed this week that prison laundry rooms could be turned into cells to help tackle overcrowding, so convicted criminals could soon be facing sentences of five years at 40 degrees, with a 1,200 RPM spin cycle at the end to help them reintegrate into society. Concerns have been expressed that it may be easy to escape from laundry cells if the bars turn out to be non-iron.

Ah! I don't know if that was the correct response or a disappointing moment. Finally, I'm going to go to Alistair, look into my eyes. You're thinking about summer. Always. That's the ginger in you coming out, as mentioned. Right. What happened a record 40 times this summer?

I googled whether you can buy those organ transportation boxes, but for your entire body. How many times, reform MPs? googled is Bayo Tapestry woke? Was it my wife saying, go see if that's a fox, just in case two burglar's were having screaming midnight sex on the shed?

40 times, wow. They're a lovely couple. A lot more foxes in your garden soon. Again, not what I've got in. Any other suggestions? What happened in record 40? 40 times this summer. It was really hot.

Yes. How hot specifically? It was over 30 degrees. Correct. 40 times this summer. And the summer's been declared the hottest since 1884. That was a hot one. Ouch.

Because under the laws of the time, if temperatures exceeded 30 degrees in 1884, gentlemen were permitted to remove their top hats for up to 12 seconds, slowly loosen their cravats, whilst women were entitled to remove one of their stick stipulated five layers of underwear. So different times back then,

but I mean, it's been huge... Have you enjoyed the hot that, obviously you have in Alistair, but... It's completely altered my view of climate change, really, because I now think half of London being underwater would be delightfully refreshing. I'd love to just have a little swim to work. That'd be great. I run hot anyway.

I don't really get cold. So extra heat is just... Every night is like going to sleep with malaria in an old-fashioned adventure film. writhing and hallucinating and just that's now four months of the year. It was too much. I feel like for some reason

30 degrees in this country doesn't feel like 30 degrees abroad. Like when you're on holiday, 30 degrees feels like, oh, cocktail, all inclusive, let's have it, right? When you're here, it feels like torture. I saw a story where this couple had installed AC

and their neighbour called the council and complained that they didn't have AC. So then they got fined and they weren't allowed their AC unit. Like, look how miserable we are as a country. The country is plagued by an epidemic of people opening all the windows to cool the house down when the outside is hotter than the inside. And it is like trying to explain Schroding as cat to people. They just cannot comprehend the idea that it's bad to open the windows when it's hot. You have to all stop doing it. We're going to have to get wooden shades. We're going to have to get wooden shades on the outside of all our houses, like

we live in Venice or something. Yeah. Yeah. I'm big in the wooden shades community. Right, well that brings us to the end of the show, and our winners are Pierre and Coco. We're 10.

Some breaking news that's reaching, as the BBC has explained the decision to axe the long-running ski Sunday show. A spokesperson said, the last thing this country needs right now to spend its weekends being reminded of things going downhill fast. Thank you for listening to The News Quiz. Goodbye. Taking part in the Newsquiz were Alistair Becker King,

Kyra Gray, Cocoa Khan and Pia Novelli. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Alice Etches, Adrian Gray, Pravanya Pillay and Mike Shefford. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I'm Phil Wang, and this is a podcast to podcast trailer for a different podcast than this podcast that you've listened to or are going to listen to. But nonetheless, I'm talking about another podcast that you should also definitely listen to.

The podcast I'm talking about is Comedy of the Week, which takes choice episodes from BBC sitcoms, sketch shows, podcasts and panel shows, including my own show, unspeakable, and puts them all into one podcast. Maybe I'll trail this podcast on that podcast. Who's to say? I'll do what I like. Listen to Comedy of the Week now on BBC Sounds. Podcasts. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows,

like evil genius, good, bad billionaire, and you're dead to me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts, ad-free, with an Amazon music subscription.