Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep2. U-Turn, We Defect

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

Andy’s returned from The Ashes and is back in the News Quiz chair. He’s come home to a selection of defections, some serious U-turning and 30,000 properties without water in his hometown of Tunbridge Wells. He was only away for one week! Helping Andy make sense of it all is Susie McCabe, Paul Sinha, Cindy Yu and Scott Bennett.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Mike Shephard, Eleanor Morton and Dee Allum Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Giulia Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Welcome to the News Quiz. Andy's ultimate back from Australia after watching England pick up another glorious silver medal in the ashes. Quite the collection. Our teams this week, paying tribute to the state of party politics, we have Team Defect against Team Defunct. On Team Defect, we have Scott Bennett and Times columnist Cindy Yu. And on Team Defunct, Susie McCabe and Paul Sinar.

And as part of Elon Musk's reputation, rehabilitating efforts. He has led us use his controversial AI GROC technology on this week's news quiz to make us all sound like we're wearing more clothes than we actually are. Right, let's start where we have to start this week. This can go to Paul and Susie. Who made Jen an X? You go. You're the clever. Oh, Jen. Robert Jenric. Very good, yes. I looked him up on AI to say what's the most notable fact about Robert Jenric. and apparently he played a very controversial match against Maccabee Tel Aviv. That's the sort of level of truth that he's operating at.

In a turn of events that everybody could see coming, he's left the Conservative Party and joined Reform, despite the fact that him and Reform have had no love lost between them in the last few years. In fact, Nigel Farage is on record as saying, everything he says cannot be believed, the man is a fraud, and today he's welcomed him as the newest member of the Reform Party. It's been a big week for reform because they've gained Nadim Zahawi this week as well.

And it's interesting because they try to project this image of being the plucky new kids on the block. And they've basically plundered the worst human beings from the last three years of the Conservative government. I mean, if they had to choose which ones to pick from the recent Conservative government, I don't think they had to go. let's take Lee Anderson, Andrea Jenkins, Nadine Doris, Nadim Zaharwee and Robert Jenrick.

What they've taken is basically the parliamentary equivalent of that weird bar in Star Wars. And yet they still won't have list trusts. How far have the Tory party fallen when people say the Tory party have lost Robert Jenrick? What a blow. To who? right honourable member for a Zempeak South. He was standing delivering his kind of speech to talk about how wonderful reformed

and how he felt he had to move because the Conservative government of the past 14 years have let this country down, completely forgetting that he was part of those Conservative governments that let this country down. Only for six whole years though.

We're now in a situation where you want any politician now and nothing they say matters because you know they can turn it upside down within 24 hours just like that without blinking. Trying to make sense of a politician now. It's like David Mitchell trying to make sense out of Bob Mortimer would I lie to you?

See, I've got a theory that there's more than one Robert Generic and they just keep regenerating. So it's just different clones. Regenerican, yeah, exactly. But I think it's interesting because Farage has said that reformer getting people who were apologetic and ashamed of what they've done in the past.

Who's going to tell him? Because I think neither of those things are true. But it was interesting because what caught him out, I don't know if you know this, we was plotting to leave, and obviously when you're plotting in and you're trying not to make mistakes, what caught him out was leaving his entire resignation speech

on the printer, which is such a low-level way of canceling yourself out of a party. But yeah, it's strange times. The best thing about what that, though, was the fact that the Conservative Party went, yeah, we discovered, we found out, because we have got eyes and ears everywhere. Yes, you do. And the Reform Party, that's what they are. But to punish him for planning to defect, they sacked him, which allowed him to defect.

Kind of helped him along the way, I think. He did say that the most important thing, this was after he had joined reform, The most important thing is that we work together as a team. Given that he'd just betrayed the party that he's been a member of, is this like Henry VIII giving you marriage and relationship tips? It's a bit like in traitors, isn't it? When you like turn someone into a traitor, but you never know if you can trust them or not

because you know that they are capable of betraying you. So I think that's the case for Jen Rick and for Nadine Zahari this week as well. Reform will never truly trust them. And they're diehard supporters. If you look at social media this week, the kind of abuse that Nadeem Zahari certainly was getting early in the week. People don't want him in the party when you're a die-hard reform supporter, actually. And this is the paradox for reform.

The more mainstream they get, the more they lose that kind of core or fringe, depending on how you see the party. But if they go mainstream, they're never going to win the election. So essentially reform is becoming a hospice for failed Tory careers. It's reuse, reduced reform. Jenrick said his first loyalty is to the country. So, what do you... Does he mean the music genre?

What could be the thing that he could do that could most benefit the nation if he wants to be really patient? Emigre, I think. One of the conservative MPs he used to be in a party with Tim Laughton today tweeted that Gen Rook was 99% personal ambition and 1% slime.

Quite harsh. I thought that was Dan Atcroed in Goh. Housebusters. Another Tory source said, his defection tells you everything you need to know about reform being a repository for disgraced politicians. I thought, I'm sure they meant suppository.

I suppose one good thing is, for the Conservative Party, this could actually be quite good because they've put them all together in one collection. So you can sort of box them off. It's like when the teacher used to have them promonted kids,

they used to just put them in one corner and let them tip each other off the chair. and stuff and I think they've done that. They've managed to box off in that section. I think we're expecting more as well because Faraging his press conference really said May 7th guys. May 7th, if you're a Tory MP or Tory out there now, you have to come to us before May 7th. If you're coming after, we're not interested because you're just in it for personal gain,

as if the ones before May 7s weren't in enough of personal gain. But so I think what he's trying to do is set a deadline so that in the next four months we'll see more Tories going over. But the more Tories they have, the more they water down there under dog outside a reputation. It's a real paradox. Farage previously said about Jenric that he is a what?

A fraud. Correct, yes. Well, he said about Zahawi, all he's interested in is what? Fortnite. Following the nearest bombastic middle-aged man who will just give him the time of day.

He had Boris Johnson before and now Boris Johnson's not around anymore. It has to be He describes as the kind of straight-talking, no-nonsense man that reform are looking for. That's the man that's done seven breaches of the ministerial code over his tax affairs

and found out and failed to disclose and lied to not one but two, but three prime ministers. That's your reform, straight-talking man right there. I think after saying that, he could be the leader. I think the phrase he actually used was he's only interested in climbing the greasy pole. And given that that's Nigel Farage,

I should point out that's a metaphor and not somebody who's from both Greece and Poland. So Harwood previously said he would be frightened to live in a country run by Farage and described comments made by Farage as offensive and racist. But obviously he now sees Farage in a different light as someone who, with things looking gloomy

and oblivion looming, could save Zahawi's political career. I mean, that's quite a key difference, that, isn't it? Yeah, what's changed? Could it be the months of leading in the polls, maybe? Some Conservatives have implied that Zahawis, well, I don't know how you describe it, sort of defrenestrating himself out of the Tory window

into the reformed UK dung heap, was prompted by him not being allowed what? Anyone? To do his own expenses. Not quite that. Any other suggestions? This is a period. Yes. Seats in the House of Lords.

The Tories were quick onto the attack saying he's only done it because they turned down his request for a peerage. I don't know who's telling the truth. I don't know what the truth is anymore. I've got no idea. But if I was him, I'd be absolutely furious that all the attention has been taken away from him so quickly. It's lucky for him because I think he'd get a lot of questions

such as how can the son of Iraqi refugees possibly support the Reform Party. But nobody's asking him that anymore because Generic is now the big story. So he's kind of got away with it. Yes, the Tories might be struggling in the polls and facing potential electoral oblivion, but they're not going down without an infight.

Leader Kemi Badernock was presented with irrefutable evidence that Robert Generic was plotting to leave the party, and once she'd stopped high-fiving herself and celebrating, she sacked him. Hours later, Generic was duly unveiled as the latest Tory Lemming to rebrand themselves as a reform UK gerbil.

And Farage... Farage took some time out from his hectic schedule of denying having been an enthusiastic racist as a schoolboy to welcome Generic to his party. Both men linked arms and slugged back a shot of a special memory-erasing serum

so they couldn't remember what they'd said about each other in the past. Will Generic attract new voters to reform? Would seeing Hannibal Lecter serving at a kebab ban make you more or less likely to order a kebab? In other words, it probably won't make much difference if you're in the queue at the kebab van,

you've kind of made up your mind already. Labour described the Conservatives as a sinking ship, which is not so much a case of the pot calling the kettle black as the Titanic calling the Mary Rose a submarine. So at the end of that section, it's six to Paul and Susie and four to Scots and Cindy. Moving on in UK politics, a new year's irresolution question now.

Whose year has got off to a less than ideal? start. This is Keir Starman. This is the digital ID, isn't it? You turned on it, didn't he? That's what happened. He did a big speech in September and he did say, I watched

that speech back and he sort of put his hand out to the reporters and he just said, simple as that. Which I saw that and thought, you'll regret that, pal. As soon as you say simple as that, it's like... You're tempting feet. Yeah, it's like summoning an argument just going, end of, mate. End off, rant, run over.

end of. So yeah, he's had to backpedal on it. The digital idea thing seems like a lot of fuss to prove your right to work. I mean, I'll be honest, when they do one that proves you're right not to work, I'll have that one. But it's just an interesting thing, in it? Because I think it started out as a hardline policy on immigration, and now it just means when it's watered down, you can be rejected for a mortgage a little bit quicker. I think that's where we are with it. Yeah, and I think basically he's saying that it's still going to be brought in. So he's saying it's not a term, but it just won't be mandatory anymore. But then at that point, it's just another government database,

which basically doesn't have any of the benefits that he had previously talked about tackling illegal immigration. And actually, the funny thing about this one is that most of the British public, before Stama supported it, supported the digital ID. You know, over half of British voters liked the idea until Stama talked about it.

And then less than a third of people still supported it. It's like when your dad comes in trying to be cool with you, talking slang or something, you're like, God, I don't want to do that anymore. Well, you said that the British public were generally for it. I think that's before they realise it might apply to them as well. Because what the British don't really like is yet more admin. There's enough admin in our lives as it is.

And the idea that it's digital, not everybody is comfortable with that. Three words, four words, NHS app. All that stuff on the NHS app is terrifying. If I play Angry Birds, I'm terrified if I press the wrong button, I'll lose my Parkinson's medication for the next 12 months. I think sometimes I do love a U-turn. Like last week, my daughter plays football on a Sunday, and she had a fixture at 8.15 in the morning.

Yeah, that's my reaction as well. And everything was on, and then I woke up to a text message saying there's been a pitch inspection, and it's cancelled, and it was literally the happiest day of my life. I think there's nothing better than your children's hobbies being cancelled. It brings a joy to your heart, you know. And then there's another parent piped up in the WhatsApp group and says, we surely can get another pitch.

I'm like, read the rooms. We're home free, you're lunatic. It sounds like your pitch to be Education Secretary. Yeah. And make more car parks if it was like to tell you. Yeah, the Times counts it as 13 U-turn so far. and if you've got 13 U-turns and you've only been in government

for a little over 13 months then you're basically all U-turn and what do you stand for if you have to U-turn on every single thing and any new policies they put in now nobody wants to go out and defend them if you're a part of the Labour Party because you just don't know if in a month's time

they're going to U-turn on that as well I guess there's an awkwardness Cindy in terms of what Labour MPs are sort of faced with in terms of do they support the government's policies now knowing that they'll probably change or oppose them now and risk picking the one policy the government accidentally ends up sticking with, or do they just grumble anonymously to lobby journalists and count down the days

until the general election when they can go and get a real job? All three? An additional option is defecting to reform, which Nigel Farage says apparently someone next week will do from Labour. I don't know if it's an MPU or not. Maybe it be a stammer. Yes, the government has dropped plans that would require workers to join a new digital ID scheme to prove their right to work in the UK.

As a nation, of course, we are fiercely protective of our personal data and information, as proved by the fact that approximately 80 million of the 70-odd million people in this country use Amazon. So, and indeed the Telegraph said the digital ID scheme could be weaponised for social control, and that was an opinion I was only able to read on the paywalled website after I gave the Telegraph my email address, date of birth and bank details. Right, at the end of that round, it's now 10 points all. Right, so we have a quick bonus point round now. At the Masters Snooker this week, all eight first round matches ended 6'2,

which, based on previous results at the Masters, I've calculated to be a 1 in 2.8 million chance, which is roughly the same mod you would have got 15 or 20 years ago on an accumulator bet on the Tories and Labour both polling below 20%, and the EU having to shift troops around in case it is invaded by the USA. So I want from our panellists something wildly unlikely that they would like to happen in the next week Most unlikely but still plausible wins a bonus point.

Paul, have you got something for me? The forces of Greenland take over Washington, D.C. Well, I mean, that is... It's going to be tricky for America to keep conflicts going simultaneously in Venezuela, Iran, Greenland and Minneapolis. I think they'll give it a go, though. I think they'll give it a go.

Susie? We're stritting to go with the reform. party. That's definitely less than one in 2.8 million, Cindy? Well, I got burgled over Christmas. So I think it's... I think it's widely... I think it's unlikely that they're going to find the burglar, actually.

But I would like that to happen. I think that is about a 1 in 2.8 million chance based on current statistics. Scott? Me apologising to Cindy for burglaring her out. No, mine is, again, domestic. I would like my teenage daughter to bring down. the cups that she's got in her bedroom. Because at the moment, she's got cups and bowls.

It's like an archaeological dig. And we're down to one bowl. Are they like building up like stalactites? We've got Tony Robinson doing Time Team special next week. She's up there growing bacteria and I'm eating my wheatobics out of a wok. It's not going to happen, but I can dream. I can dream. Well, I love the idea of Greenland invading Washington, D.C.

So I'll give a bonus point to Paul and Susie there. Susie, the Scottish budget took place this week. It did. All over it. Out with my calculator. It's one of those big ones with the bit of paper that comes out at the top of it. So I've got a question for you. The SNP claims that its budget will result in 55% of people in Scotland doing what?

Oh, it's paying less taxis. Correct. I assumed it was wanging on about the world. At least we're not crying about the ashes. At least the World Cup's a proper trophy. Ouch. Yes, painless taxis. It's been a good week for Scotland.

We've had a decent budget. We've managed to do a few things. So I'll take you through it because I know that there'll be a lot of English people going, why do they need a budget? And it's so that we can check our oil reserves for vital deep frying. I mean, can you call it a budget, Andy? It's more of an allowance. It's a bit like what your nana would call the housekeeping.

Here comes in a Friday cigarette hanging out his mouth, a wee brown envelope, smacks John Swinney and slips it in the pinning, goes, there you are, love. Just you enjoy yourself and make sure the kids are fed. But one of the great things about the Scottish budget is that there's money now for breakfast clubs at every primary school in Scotland so that's great because every child's guaranteed

a cup of tea and a cigarette before school. We've also introduced... I love this, this is one of my favourites, we introduced a mansion tax on houses over a million pounds so that will affect JK Rowling and she'll now be down to one bar in her fire, she'll need to start burning her own books.

We also done a private jet tax. So apparently this happens 12,000 times a year in Scotland. Doesn't Donald Trump still go to Scotland to do golfing? So he'll be the other recipient victim of this private jet tax. Good. It won't even put them off. Do you know what my problem is with Donald Trump? And I have many.

Right. But the problem is, this is a man. who clearly just needed these parents to say, I love you. Right, I'm proud of you. But Donald has a Scottish mother. And if there's one thing Scottish mothers will not do is tell you that they love you. Or in fact, that they're proud of you.

But you know what, Donald, the rest of us don't go and kidnap a president and take a country. We just drink and bury our emotions. Right at the end of our Scotland round, it's 13 to Paul and Susie, 12 to Scott and Cindy. And our final round this week, the round you've all been waiting for,

it's an infrastructure round. All the infrastructure fans in today. Our first question asking her to Paul and Susie, the Prime Minister has been urged to send the army into what persistent trouble zone? Tunbridge Wales.

Correct. First thing to say is, the South East Water clearly don't understand the concert of dry January. Second thing to say is nothing sums up the difference at the moment between us and the United States of America than the fact that when we say it's dangerous out there, there's a lot of ice on the street. It means something completely different.

But also their army have gone to Venezuela and are pondering Iran and our army are pondering Tunbridge Wells. I watched, there was an ITN news report on it last night and the water came back on briefly and they'd gone round to someone's house and had had a shower for four days and it was on the most awkward interviews. They were waiting for him on his landing.

I'm not joking, so this guy's gone in there to purge himself, he walks out on the landing and they're like, how do you feel, John? It's just been baptised. How do I feel? I mean, the thing is, the teenage boys of Tunbridge Wells don't know it's been cut off. As long as there's a steady supply of Lynx Africa, they're fine.

Yes, tens of thousands of residents of Royal Tunbridge Wells have been left without water after the historic spa town and former stomping ground of celebrity monarch Queen Victoria became a metaphor for national decline for the second time in two months. The outage has been blamed on various things, including a recent storm, the non-recent infrastructure, more people working from home, the modern affectation for washing, the woke refusal to get cholera anymore, like we did when Britain was great. A lack of investment in the water system, a failure to invest sufficiently in the water system,

not investing enough in the water system, and a tendency towards underinvestment in the water system. Right, another infrastructure question. The government has announced plans that could make it quicker and easier to do what in the north of England? is the northern powerhouse, in this, NPR, which is absolutely not HS2. It's definitely not that, even though it's the same amount of letters, and it's using the same land

and going to the same destinations. It's the equivalent of opal fruits and starburst. But, yeah, it's H.S... Obviously, I've done it now. It's the northern powerhouse, and they're going to bring this rail project in. Because this is the thing, I think they've got to be really careful. They're a bit tentative with the planning, aren't there?

Because HS2 was such a disaster. Because they had that campaign. I remember it was like live in Birmingham, working Manchester play in London. And then they had to revise that to stay in Birmingham. And just be grateful for where you are. You can visit Wolverhampton every second Wednesday. As is the BBC, in terms of balance,

can I point out that Birmingham, compared to the city of Venice? actually has more vape shops. You've actually got to start counting from before now because it was in 2015 that George Osborne further now as the Northern Powerhouse Rail. So that's already 10 years ago. So it's not so much a powerhouse

as a slowly moving bungalow. I've never really taken that Northern Powerhouse thing seriously. Mainly because everything's south to me. Yes, it's, well, very exciting announcement. the Northern Powerhouse Rail Scheme, first announced in 2015, and now a mere six prime ministers, seven secretaries of state for transport, and 16 ministers responsible for rail later. It's being announced again.

And an insider said that the previous Northern Powerhouse Rail didn't reach the crowns on a map stage, but hopes are high that the new scheme could see post-it notes on the fridge door within five to ten years. Some hope. And our final question, What put the wind in whose sales this week? Nadine Zaharwin Nigra Farage sales?

Not that, no. This is a wind auction. Correct. Which sounds incredible. You used to have many of those as a teenager. But this is Ed Miliband's baby, in here that he's had this wind auction, which I've never been to a wind auction, but I imagine it's like a normal auction,

but you have to put both hands up and a leg. to make a bid. But they're saying that it could be the new revolution. I mean, we could be to win what the UAE is to oil. Imagine in 30 years' time, there'll be an American president trying to justify invading the Yorkshire Dales and trying to bring about regime changed

by toppling a statue of Fred Truman, which could be... Have you said that a few years ago? It would have sounded outlandish, but now I think you might be a newsreader. Absolutely, yeah. But it's interesting, because they've said It's going to secure record-breaking 8.4 gigawatts of offshore wind,

which is enough to power 12 million homes or seven time machines. And then it's, but it's not a done deal because they have to connect the turbines to the national grid, which, if it's anything like my printer, is going to be a nightmare. Can you imagine trying to download drivers for the national grid? And your wind's still stuck in a queue for three days. Right, and at the end of all, infrastructure round. The winners are Scott

and Cindy with 14. Paul and Susie have 13. Don't forget to tune in tonight to Radio 4's brand new show. Celebrities do things that are more relaxing than listening to the news. This week, pop icon Annie Lennox juggles chainsaws in a wind tunnel

and the former tennis star Tim Hemman joins Melvin Bragg in a jacuzzi full of piranhas. Thank you very much for listening. Until next week. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz was Susie McKay, Paul Sinar, Scott Bennett and Cindy You. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Mike Shepard, Eleanor Morton and Dee Allum.

The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of Your Dentemit, the BBC comedy show that takes history seriously. And we are back for a new series. Hooray! Every episode, I pair up a top historian with a fantastic comedian, and we have a lovely, funny, fascinating show. chat about a different subject from world history.

And this series you'll learn all about Emperor Nero with Patton Oswald and Professor Mary Beard, Philippe Duke D'Aulian with Tom Allen, Lena Horn with Desiree Birch, Jeffrey Chaucer with Mike Wozniak, and loads more. So that's the new series of You're Dead to Me. Listen first on BBC Sounds.