Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep3. Bored of peace

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

This week we'll be looking at Trump's Board of Peace and asking whether Trump is bored of peace. We'll be working out how China managed to afford to get on the central London property ladder with their new mega-embassy, and hoping that a clever cow who can use a tool to scratch its back can up its game and sort out global diplomacy before it's too late. Joining Andy to help make sense of all the madness is Lucy Porter, Alasdair Beckett-King, Stephen Bush and Shappi Khorsandi.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Christina Riggs, Cameron Loxdale, Ruth Husko and Dee Allum. Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Giulia Lopes Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Andy Zonsman. Welcome to the news quiz, et cetera, et cetera. We need to crack on in case the latest news changes between now and the time I've finished introducing my guest panelists for this week's show. Our teams this week, we have Team Great Power against Team Great Irresponsibility. On Team Power, we have Lucy Porter

and from the Financial Times, Stephen Bush. On Team Great Irresponsibility, we have Shapi Gors Andy and Alistair Beckett, President. King, sorry, I'm always getting those two mixed up these days. Right, our first question, this can go to Lucy and Stephen. Whose demand for a piece of ice left NATO on the rocks this week? So it's Trump at the World Economic Forum in Davos, which my invitation got lost in the post. So he went in, all guns blazing, and said, I want Greenland, I just want it, whatever it takes to get it.

I want to own it. I don't want to rent it because I want to put picture hooks up and paint the walls. And he made his very typical concise. eloquent speech in which he basically said, you owe me Greenland, because we used to have it. It was ours once. I mean, it wasn't, but... And so we need to have it back. And if you don't, then I'm going to put loads of tariffs on you,

and I'm going to tell your mum on you, and I'm going to write on toilet walls that you're a slag and all of them. And he kept going on about... I want Greenland, but then about four times. he said Iceland instead, which, fair enough, it is Greenland, Iceland. It's an easy mistake to make, even if you are fully mentally competent.

And he said, basically, we should be grateful to him because he said, if it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German. That classic language, what I love was that he was saying this in Switzerland. About 60% of them do actually speak German. At the end of Davos, he went, oh, do you know what, fine, actually. We've sort of, we've worked something, they might work out, whatever.

So, yeah, so he's not going to be paid. Yay. Probably. So, yeah, so they've got a framework for a deal that may or may not come about, but he seems to be happy and he's gone home quiet and everybody's relieved. How long, Stephen, do you think this relative quietness will last? Well, he does seem to have, like, a new thing. He fixates on every weekend.

So it's kind of like, you know, the new lottery adverts and is in the cinema as well? It's actually like a kind of yellow hands. It's kind of like an orange hand, being like, oh, yeah, which continent will it be today? He hasn't actually gone for a bit of Africa, so maybe it'll be South Africa's turn in the Hand of Doom next Sunday. But, yeah, it would presumably be a couple of days, and then we'll have, you know, a new thing. As a journalist, just the rapidity with which things change, does that make your job harder? I think the main thing which makes it harder is not so much the speed, but the madness. Even when you describe accurately in words what he's done,

it's actually really difficult to convey. One, because people go, oh, you're making a joke. Like, he didn't really start to sound like he was drunk dialing someone being like, I just want a piece of ice. And you do that, and people laugh. You're like, no, no, it really was what it was like. And it's quite hard to convey in a way where you sort of starting putting a flashing red light on the FT website

where we go, no, no, really. It is as bad as we say. He referred to windmills as losers in his speech. Is that a fair criticism of the windmill, do you think? They didn't seem like the most competitive inanimate object. They sort of do sit and chill in the countryside. The thing is the whole speech was, I found it incredible.

What was really exquisite about it was just the random people. that he conjures up that say he's brilliant. Like somebody told me that you're doing great and a military expert told him he's doing great and I thought I know that was your 14-year-old nephew who likes to play war games. See, I don't trust what you said about excessive force. He sort of implied that everyone breathed a sigh of relief

but given what happened to that poor protester at the hands of ice, I wouldn't trust someone's views of excessive force any way that I would trust Victoria Beckham's views on overbearing mothering and I kind of feel I know he was talking about Britain when he's going I have friends who've been to Europe they don't recognise the place and I can just imagine like his friends going

there were no nannies coming down with umbrellas umbrellas Alice, is there I mean, it's quite a rupture of trust. Could that be rebuilt? Well, I mean, it's been an extraordinary week. Can I say, though, first of all, what a relief it is that Donald Trump made it safely to Switzerland

and didn't, I don't know, trip over a dachshund and fall into a jet engine on the way there. I just feel so lucky to be living in these times, to be invited back onto the news quiz, and he's still there. It's still the same guy. Oh, you're a comedian. You must love Donald Trump. He's hilarious. Yeah. It's great. I'm glad we've got to say more about him.

We're entering a multipolar world, and I think he may have misunderstood that and gone for the north, I think. He described Greenland as being the northern frontier of the Western Hemisphere. He said, that's our territory. I think preparing for the possibility that Iran invades via the Arctic Circle. It could happen. We've got to be ready. But yeah, he gets what he wants, because he's... the president. Denmark has relented and agreed to meet all the president's demands by joining NATO on the 24th of August 1949. So he can have as many soldiers there as he wants. It's absolutely fine. But there is maybe a breakdown in interest. I saw a good quote from the BBC. Asked about the role of the UK, Prime Minister Sekeir Stama, did not give any details, which is cool because

it sort of suggests that he knows the details. It's a bit like asked about his girlfriend who goes to another school. Prime Minister did not give any details. I don't like sympathising with Kirstama, but it does put him in a tricky position because whenever I see a photograph of Kirstama at the moment, he's got a sort of look on his face.

Have you ever seen a dog make eye contact with you while it's having a poo? Do you know there's a sort of a look, a haunted look in its eyes? A look of sort of shivering shame, like I know what I'm doing's wrong, but I can't stop. Whereas with

Donald Trump, it's like he's making eye contact with the dog while he's having it. And I know it's a power play of some kind, but strategically I don't know what he's trying to achieve. It's fair to say that Trump's behaviour has not gone down universally well. Trump's abuses of decency are evidence of his seriously diseased mind, which has him flamethrower waving like a famished pyromaniac and suffering. from Imperial Delirium. Words from the notoriously woke-left organ of anti-Trumpism that is the

Daily Telegraph. That's something, isn't it? His approval ratings, despite what he says, people are very happy with me. They're camouflaging that from the pollsters in America. His net approval rating is minus 19% depending on which poll you read. His approval rating on Gallup is 36%,

which is the joint lowest figure in December of the first year in office of any presidency in the last 15th. 50 years level with his own first term. What can we read into that generally about the state of America and democracy, Stephen, do you think? Well, this is like the great mystery of American popular opinion, right? Because it's like someone who's gone to Jurassic Park 2 and said, oh my God, there are a lot of dinosaurs in this movie. I was expecting a gentle rom-com, right?

We're going to have a question now in the form of a headline. My panelists have to tell me, is the headline finished? or not finished. It's from a Radio 4 news bulletin, so was this finished or not finished? This isn't going to Shappi and Alistair. Our news reader is Perthwin Range. Donald Trump this week said in a message to the Norwegian Prime Minister that he no longer feels the obligation to think. Was that finished or not finished? That's headline. Absolutely finished. You're wrong, unfortunately. Let's find out how he did finish. He said he no longer feels the obligation.

obligation to think. So this was after his Nobel Peace Prize snub and in the sort of leaked messages he leaked between him and other leaders. He got very cross with Norway. Yeah, seemingly under the impression that the Norwegian government decides who gets the Nobel Prize. He said he doesn't have to think about peace anymore. And it's just another one of those acts of sort of petty gangsterism.

You know, like, oh, that's a nice rules-based international order you've got there. Be a shame if something would have happened to him. I'm enjoying his pettiness. He's always banging on about the Nobel Peace Prize. He should be treated like those fairweather fans of bands that you've been a fan of for ages. Like, oh, you love the Nobel Peace Prize. Right, name three previous winners.

We'll have another headline for Lucy and Stephen. Is this finished or not finished? In response to Mr. Trump's threats, an undermining of NATO, it has been suggested that Keir Stama should pull England and Scotland out of the world. Finished or not finished? Yeah, I mean, it seems like not being in the world is probably a safe distance away from...

It's the World Cup, isn't it? Correct, should pull England and Scotland out of the world? Cup. There you go, correct. Yeah, other than potentially pulling teams out of the World Cup, what threatened reprisals would you put on the table in response to Trump's threats and bribes? Well, I'm certainly not going to sleep with him again. Wow. I think that might be the biggest scoop in newsgroup history.

You know, like he breaks all the rules of diplomacy, like he was leaking texts that Macron sent him. And actually, I have had access to a tranche of news quiz group texts here in which, quite in back, Andy Zaltzman admits that he has never actually understood the rules of cricket. It says here, I just like the noise it makes when the man hits the ball with the stick. Yes, this is the latest squabble off between the NATO nations and Donald Trump, the virus-laden spam email made flesh, the man who puts the lie into ally, and also disappointing the President of the United States of America. As I suggested earlier, we are constantly battling against the time lag between recording and broadcast on this show.

so by the time you hear this at home, it's quite possible that Trump would have changed his mind about not invading Greenland and will have dropped all of America's nukes on Greenland in a bid to make the world's biggest slushy. Or he would have surprisingly joined forces with Iran's murderous regime

to launch airstrikes on Portugal because he thought he overheard someone saying he looked like a custard tart. Or he may claim that he owns Yorkshire and Lancashire because he personally stopped the wars of the roses. We just don't know at this point. Trump's demands included total ownership of Greenland Emmanuel Macron's dark glasses or wife,

a nomination for a British award and for Prue Leith to leave the bake-off. Right, let's move on now to another Trump-related story with a score four to Stephen and Lucy and two to Alistair and Shappy. UK skipped Donald Trump's Board of Peace launch ceremony this week because of whose surprising involvement

in something to do with peace? Anyone? I mean, it's a... So it's the Board of Peace. Peace. Do you hear that Board of Peace? You go, yeah, Trump's Board of Peace, I think he is. So, yeah, it's a kind of rival upstart to the UN that Trump has conceived with people.

So Vladimir Putin might well be in it, Victor Orban, Skeletor, Nadine Doris, the cursed amulet containing the Ghost of Pol Pot. It's a beautiful lineup. of dictators, madmen, and people who are prepared to sit around a table with Tony Blair. That's a sensational vendiagram there. A great detail about Vladimir Putin's potential membership is he said he will only join if he's allowed to use the frozen Russian asset since the invasion of Ukraine. It's a slightly disappointing thing about Donald Trump is like the bad guys have won,

but they don't have, you know, any style. And it's always quite nice when Vladimir Putin just like, I'm going to say something which sounds like a proper bond villain. I love the Board of Peace. I'm a big fan of the Bop. I'm a real bop act. Let's get bopping. That's what I've been saying. I've been saying it all day. They revealed their logo, which is, I would say, a very obviously AI-generated rip-off of the UN logo

in as much as it's exactly the same but gold. And the Globe only shows North America. And it's been done with just a bit less skill than one of those Rastafarian Bart Simpson T-shirts who used to get at the markets. It's weird because people are going like, is he allowed to do this? Can he do this? And sure, a lot of the stuff Trump is doing domestically is unconstitutional and illegal. But is it illegal if nobody stops you from doing it and you're the president? And when it comes to things like the Board of Peace, like setting up a rival to the UN where you're the chairman for life. Like, the only reason that's not against the rules is nobody thought of doing that. It's like when you go to the pond, there's a sign that says, don't feed the ducks. There's no sign that says, don't French kiss the ducks. Which is not to say that you're allowed to French kiss the ducks. It's just that we didn't think they needed to be assigned.

How did you find that out? No comments. Yes, Donald Trump has officially launched his Board of Peace, to which will bring the greatest piece of peace of all time anywhere to the Middle East and also to the universe, if all goes, according to plan. That questions remain about exactly what the Board of Peace. pieces remit will be and how it will work and exactly what members will get for their mooted one billion dollar membership fee. I've heard they get a free sports hold all, 10% off MAGA

merchandise and a choice of which of the ten commandments they want to ignore for the rest of their life. Right, at the end of our international round, the scores are now six points all. Now there's been a lot of people talking Britain down of late, such as people saying the country is broken or that the cricket team lost over and over again. But this week it was announced that Team G.B. is going to set a new European record for having the biggest what?

Chinese embassy. Correct. Yes. Biggest embassy in Europe. When I saw on the map I was surprised by how big it was. It's like half it's next to the Tower of London and it's half the size of the Tower of London. It's incredibly large. 208 secret rooms and a hidden

chamber. Which, interestingly, is guarded by two Chinese diplomats, one of whom only tells the truth and the other always lies. It's massive. 208. And those are just the secret rooms. The secret rooms. Yeah. Apparently the

government has been told what's in the secret rooms, but we can't know. Right. But they've checked and it isn't torture. Right. It's fine. That's Ian Botham's highest test score. I mean, why are they... When have chosen 208? I think that's what the Chinese diplomat said. That was the reason they did that. Well, it's on the site of the old royal

mint as well. which is very bitchy of them, isn't it? To kind of go, this is the way you used to make your money. We've got all the money now. We're rich. You're not. I think this kind of makes sense when you think about it because currently the Chinese government has seven different sites across London.

And I think the idea is, MI5 say it will actually be easier to monitor hostile activity in the mega embassy. Basically, the plan is to consolidate all of our existing Chinese spies into one easily manageable national security threat. It's like you can't spy as long as you're inside the embassy. They're so worried about the spies. I was thinking, you know when they were trying to dissuade young people from hanging around train stations by playing classical music?

So what they can do, because the spies love bond themes, so have bond themes but played on the recorder by a child. That's evil. Yes, I mean concerns have been expressed over potential espionage due to the superemacy being near those fibroptic cables which carry sensitive online information to assuage these worries what ingenious Machiavellian scheme has MI5 concocted. I can move the cables. Correct, yes. I mean, that's genius, isn't it? Just move it out of the way.

Yeah, look, this thing, you say declining imperial power, I say, we still got it. We've still got some moves. Grandad can still play with the big boys. I do like how a large chunk of this story is based on the idea that this is the first time that a country which has spied on a country has ever had an embassy. I don't want to blow anyone's mind, but I think that basically all of the embassies, including ours, have some spies in them. But, you know, don't quote me on that or anything. Yeah, that'll all be redacted in the broadcast. I can't let that get out.

The government has given permission for China to build Europe's biggest embassy in London, despite concerns that it will make all the spying. China is already obviously doing anyway even easier. In fact, I've tapped the lines from the current Chinese embassy to see what messages are being sent back to Beijing. And if I've translated it right from the Morse Code, they're a bit old school. It says, stand down everyone, take the rest of the decade off. It looks like the West is doing our job for us. So I think it's nothing to be worried about, really. The US are concerned about redacted images of China's embassy plans, although when it comes to redacted images,

maybe those aren't the ones that the American government should be worrying about most right now. Moving on now, Nigel Farage, apologize this week for 17 breaches of the MP's Code of Conduct after failing to declare £380,000 of income on time. But what was his inventive excuse? So he said one of the things was, I don't do computers. And then it was somebody else's fault, Natch. He said it was my assistant, was meant to do it, but they didn't. And he said, but it doesn't matter anyway.

because I got all this money, but I didn't get it because I'm an MP. I got it because I'm Nigel Farage. That's why I get the man. And I'm like, yeah, I would pay him money to go away. And he said it's fine because actually the money I get means that I don't claim any expenses. He certainly doesn't claim any expenses for train tickets to Clactan on C. He just tried to dits it out.

He wants to be a prime minister, and he just went, oh, what's allowed? I'm just not getting all the buttony thing. And I feel offended. by that because I genuinely can't work computers. I accidentally subscribed and saved on a toaster on Amazon because I can't work computers. And now all the toasters have gone past their sale by date. But if you need a toaster, I've got 57.

I think we've been very unfair to poor Nigel Farage here, making clearly an honest mistake. It's basically an accounting error, I think. and that 380 grand was put down as a Brexit benefit. As such, he thought it was imaginary. So you see what happened. It's fine. Yeah, Nigel Faris, well, it was slammed this week for being an odd ball who doesn't do computers and is out of touch with the modern world,

and he was slammed by himself, which is an unusual thing in politics. He didn't go with the classic, The Dog ate my secondary income declaration form excuse, which is disappointing, or saying I was abducted by aliens, or I had no idea, an MP, least of all for clack, where did you say?

He claimed the breaches on the size of his email inbox. He said he gets a thousand emails a day, all of which he responds to with his out-of-constituency auto-reply. He said he was a computer illiterate oddball, which is just the profile we need for a potential Prime Minister in a technological world. He also blamed the failures on the growing pains of reform UK, which is not particularly flattering language to use

to describe Robert Jenrick and Nadine Zaharwe. politics is politics. Now this can go to Alistair. There's been a 50% increase in the number of candidates cheating in order to do what in their driving tests? Pass. Okay, I'll post it over to the other team. Yes, the correct answer is.

Passed, they were correct, yes. To me, this is a good news story. I mean, these people cheating at their driving tests, these are the kind of lateral thinking skills and maverick a version of paperwork that we need in a competitive global economy. Do you not think? Oh, yeah.

Driving for too long has been rules-based. And, yeah, I think it's absolutely right. Just let people do what they want. I mean, you know, I could indicate, but I don't have to because I hold all the cards. So, you know, yeah, this is very much the new attitude. I mean, to be honest, I think all modern driving is cheating anyway. Lots of people have automatic cars now.

That's cheating. Really not having a choke is cheating. Yeah. Because starting crank, that's what you, you know, when I pass my test out to pay the man to walk in front of me with a red sack. I've been driving for five years, and my motto is 20's plenty, and for some reason this infuriates other drivers on the motorway.

I don't drive. Well, it'd be more accurate to say, I don't know how to drive, and so it's a crime for me to do it. But I don't drive. make it sound like it was my choice. Like, no, I don't smoke. You know, car, sir? No, thank you. I'm trying to quit. This is great, because this opens up driving to people like me who don't know how to drive. I was very impressed. People are cheating with earpieces and by paying impersonators. So, when I

wanted to take my test, I hired John Coulshaw. And he did the whole thing as Tom Baker. It was great. Yeah, not many growth industries in Britain these days. Excuses, harrumphing, political defactions and nostalgia for when a goal was a goal in football. But cheating in driving tests is one of them. A number of wannabe drivers trying to swizz the system has risen by 50% year on year, with candidates using a range of cheat modes, using Bluetooth headsets to get people to tell them the answers and theory tests, as Alice has said, employing a professional learner driver impersonators, using Lewis Hamilton, who's more expensive than Kalshore, I've heard, and threatening to invade Greenland if the instructor doesn't give you a pass.

Right, time to catch up with some of our evolutionary rivals now As team humans stumbles towards the finishing line The Animal Kingdom is catching us up in the Darwinian race Which renowned farm animal has had a brush with fame this week? Ooh, the audience knows it. It's a cow. Correct. I can't remember her name, but she's Austrian.

Veronica. Thank you. Veronica the cow, who has learned to use tools. and is going to be putting up a shelf in my kitchen. Very pleased to employ a female labourer. So, yeah, she can use a stick to scratch herself, right? Yeah. Which is good.

That's one of the basic pleasures of life, isn't it, scratching yourself? So she uses the sharp end to do her back in that. And then for a softer touch, she uses the other end of the stick on her more vulnerable parts. Apparently. I was pleased with the detail that they went into because I love a back. I've got one of those, you know, those back scratches where it's like an extendable thing,

and you can pretend to be Terry Wogan hosting Blankety Blank with it. It's really good. And I love that. All day, just, oh, scratch and move back. So, yeah, I am at heart a cow. The cow thing is worrying, because, you know, they'll be using tools today,

and tomorrow they'll be going, wait a minute, why don't I own the farm? The headline I read phrased it as cow astonishes scientist by using a broom. And the way it's written, it sounds as if the scientist is married to the cow. And it's being quite passive-aggressive about it. You know, like, oh, I would be astonished if the cow could do the washing up now and again. I was really interested in the quotes. I think the BBC News said this kind of tool use is rarely seen in the animal kingdom

and has never been documented in cattle before. And I think perhaps the reason for that is acute broomlack. If cows learn to milk themselves, that is going to ruin the archers. Cows, the celebrity farm animal, best known for having three stomachs, mooing, being delicious with horseradish sauce, and being key, if not entirely willing, players in the dairy products industry are showing concerning signs of evolving into a super species who will wreak meaty vengeance on humans for millennia of agriculture.

exploitation. Austrian cow Veronica has learned to use tools including sticks, rakes and brooms for personal grooming and itch reduction, raising hopes in the restaurant industry that cows could be trained to pre-tenderize their own rumps with special hammers. Yes, so our final scores, Lucy and Stephen have 12, Alistair and Shappie have eight. Just some breaking news reaching us with the transfer window soon to close a swap deal has been reached under which Prince Harry is to join the Beckham family. Dave and Victoria's eldest son, Brooklyn Becker moves the other way and his set's become the new Prince Andrew on a lack of scandal-related deal in which he's paid only on days he's not in the news.

So thank you very much for listening to the news quiz. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Lucy Porter, Alistair Beckett King, Stephen Bush and Shappie Korsandy. In the chair was me, Andy's Altman, and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Cameron Locksdale, Dee Allum and Ruth Husko. John Coulshaw has not been involved

in any driving test relation. cheating. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room.

Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic cats? Evil or genius? Pig out on evil animals in the Evil Genius podcast feed. First on BBC Sounds.