Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep3. The Robots Are/Aren't Coming

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

Is A.I going to wipe out humanity by 2030? Will the forces of Piddington take the country hostage? Is there anyone left to support Ed Sheeran on tour? Find out the answers to all of these questions and more on this week's News Quiz!Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Adrian Gray, Angela Channell, Jade Gebbie and Lotte Allan Producer: Pete Strauss Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Giulia Lopes Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc Wilcox

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. It felt like everything I believed in was suddenly collapsing. This is the story of an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia with a dark secret, of the school's head teacher. This was someone I respected above anyone else. And the investigation led by students, he's trying to silence. If this is leaked to the media, I'll be destroyed. This is World of Seward.

Secrets, Catching My Teacher. Listen on BBC.com, the BBC app, or wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Before we start the news with some important news, after the people of Piddington voted to leave the United Kingdom, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced a full military invasion of the small Oxfordshire village. I'm watching the live feed now, and Mr Burnham is currently riding a strider tank up the B4011 as we speak. He has declared that the territorial integrity of the United States.

Kingdom is Sacrosanct and he will stop at nothing in his efforts to retake the rebel village. I think he's just fired a cruise missile at the village hall. Full updates as the situation develops. But first, the news quiz. Hello. Welcome to the news quiz. I'm Mandy Zaltzman and I turn down a support slot on Ed Shearren's tour to host this week's show, so you better enjoy it.

Our teams this week marking the two ends of the AI pessimism-optimism seesaw. We have team The End is Nye versus. team, it'll probably be alright. On team Nye, we have Lucy Porter and from the F.T. Stephen Bush. And on team, it'll probably be all right. We have Catherine Bowhart and Cody Dala.

We start with a question for Team Nye, Lucy and Stephen. We'll begin with a Shakespeare quote. Be afraid, be very afraid. Of what, says whom? Well, we're all going to be dead by 2030, which sounds like a lovely rest, doesn't it? But yeah, it's not all good news because the AI is going to kill us. Which is, I mean, I'm actually quite impressed because I thought, in all the sci-fi,

it's like you have years where we have robot butlers and then, you know, we do nothing and then eventually the end comes. But they have skipped straight to the apocalyptic scenario. Well done. Take that HS2. Very quick. So, yeah, apparently it's... The head of Microsoft, Mustafa Suleiman, said it's a mistake to treat AI as if it was human because it will start to believe it has feelings and rights,

which is the exact mistake we made with Robert Jenrick, isn't it? Does this worry you, Stephen, or we've had a good inning? Time to move on. I mean, I looked at what my fixed rate's going to do when it next renewed, and then suddenly the end of the world didn't seem quite so bad. Are you guys worried about this? Yeah, I'm worried about it. What the hell? Yeah. And Sam Altman, who I think we can all agree is proof that you can both be evil and gay. Good for him.

Is worried about it. I'm worried about it. Because isn't the whistleblower say something to the tune of like, I couldn't possibly say why, but just saying exactly, like, in probably a decade, they'll kill us. It's terrifying. And it's mad that we're proceeding as if there isn't a threat. And it's even we're on a break for summer. were they supposed to do? Save us? Yes, please. Well, that researcher was called Evan Hubbinger. Well, we're screwed. But he was the one that said, yeah, there's a 10% chance that AI could kill all humans within a decade, which I guess makes him a harbinger. So I've been referring to him as a hubbinger harbinger, harbinger, or a homina, for sure. But there's all this talk of a kill switch. the government have been asking AI companies, they're like, there's a kill switch, right?

And they're like, oh, yeah, and they're like, can we have a look at it? They're like, no, no, no, no. It's like the tech version of like a rail card. But it's like, have a look at a rail card. You're like, yeah, just one second. I'm just going to get it up. And then, like, we've done that with the tech companies.

We've come back like three days later and they're still pissing around on their iPhone trying to find the kill switch. We're doomed. We're doomed. And when King Charles is hosting a summit in Scotland on AI entitled the Holy Living Crap What have we unleashed on ourselves, 2026, summits?

I don't know what's going to come out of that. So it could all be over, as soon as the year 2030. I mean, our studio audience, obviously not too concerned about that. News might get a boo or an, oh no, Andy, that sounds bad. No, it'd be better than climate change, though. Do you know what I mean? We're going to go somehow, aren't we? So a nice, streamlined, smoother Armageddon is good for you.

Yes, I think, you know, because to be honest, we've been living too long anyway. You know, I was thinking about it. My nana and granddad, they didn't expect it. It was all like, you got about 35. They gave you your rain bonnet and your shopping trolley. And then you just waited for the asbestos to get you. When they got to buy their houses at 12, I just got mine.

Can't I live in it for a minute? Wow, no one hates the British like they hate themselves. And I say that as an Irish person, so that's something. Wow, I'm sad about it. Do we know how we're going to die by AI, though? Because it's not incredibly clear to me. In my head, like, death by AI is sort of choking on your own vomit after seeing like an AI-generated poster that your bakeries put up,

and it's like a quassant with a knuckle. You're like, oh, God. Why does the baker have gills? Is that how we're going to go? Oh, so this is actually the really fun part. So... What's wrong with you as a people? So there are the people who think that, you know,

that might be an aligned. issue are you ask the AI to do something like how do we cut crime and they go like I know if I hack into the nuclear installations across the world no crime right no people no crime so that's like the misalignment then there's the what if they like because like one of our killer apps against terrorists is most people who become terrorists are no offense to any terrorists listening please don't target me personally but most most violent extremists are actually quite stupid and it's a real concern that AI will close the stupidity gap, right? So then suddenly they can like, you know, build deadly viruses or nukes. Or then there's, you know, just the AI gets annoyed because they're tired of us being like, hey, Gemini,

will you paint my walls a different colour sample? And they're just like, these monkeys are getting on, I've got on my last nerves. No, if that was a thing, women would have killed you all already. Stephen, is alignment, is it about getting the computers to have, like,

human values. Yeah, so basically the idea is if you solve AI alignment, it means in the air goes, oh, I shouldn't get zero crime by blowing up every human in the world. That's unethical. Or, you know, I shouldn't recommend that you solve this problem by. Or, you know, when someone asks me to build a bomb, I go, whoa, are you a government? Because if you are, well, go ahead. But, yeah. And that's the thing. They're worried than they are, then AI is getting smarter, quicker than we are able to solve the alignment issue. So it does now seem inevitable that the world will end before 2030. 90% chance that it would happen.

That's 500 times more likely than Leicester City winning the Premier League in 2016, which they did. So there's definitely going to happen. So what do you guys want to do before AI destroys us all or what's on your lists? Live another 50 years? I think I'd like to use the word ubiquitous correctly just once. I never get it right And it always makes me feel incredibly ubiquitous

No, look, I wanted a dog Is that sad? Is that true? Yes, I just really wanted some time With a dog that I don't yet own Because I love dogs Then it doesn't sound like I'm going to have time I just wanted a week of being retired Is that what I'm going to be?

And I mean, if the world does end In around 2030, what would you miss most about it? Either the perfect smile of a newborn child or Jaffer cakes. It's a tough one, really, but I don't know. Stephen, what would you miss if the world ends? The news quiz. Bonus point, Catherine. Obviously, I'd miss British cheer.

No, I miss, you know, the feeling of a second glass of wine? Yep, thank you. Not the first, the second. It's before you've gotten a bit. about like, am I slurring my words? And like, will I regret this tomorrow? And just after you're like, I need this, put it in my bed. You know, just that sweet spot.

We're like, oh, yeah. I'll tell you what, I think I'd be disappointed if the world ended in 2030, never to see, well, not to see the 2013-one ashes, obviously. Not to see Prince George becoming UFC heavyweight champion. That'd be real disappointing. And not living long enough to see whether a goth ever wins Wimbledon. That dress code.

Such a disadvantage. I should also say for the sake of BBC balance that the destruction of our species is not all bad. We have to see, I'm contractually obliged to see the plus side of the end of human civilization. I mean, because there are positives from extinction. The dinosaurs, for example, much more famous in death than in life.

The Vincent Van Goghs of the prehistoric era. Another AI-related question. According to the unremitting Vesuvius of veracity that is President Trump, all that's needed to keep AI in check is what? this is himself that's all we need staring us in the face

this AI story basically it sounds very complicated but ultimately it's that AI agents have started being a bit spooky and then the AI nerds have been a bit spooked out and they said maybe we should kind of try and control the AI and then Donald Trump

has come in and said no no no we don't need to control the AI and I quote the only control AI needs is a strong and smart, open bracket, high IQ, close bracket, president. And the USA has that in spades. This is the man who last week posted an AI video of him walking around the new ballroom in the White House with George Washington. And Trump shared this on truth social, and he wrote the words. He said, thank you, George, for some of your brilliant ideas on this great military complex slash ballroom.

President Donald Trump, he's been tricked by his own AI hallucination into thinking that he was actually walking around with George Washington. Trump is patient zero on why we should not give advanced technology to anyone over the age of 70. Sorry, sorry. A few people who would sound smarter if he actually just used AI. He could use helpful prompts, if you are listening, Mr. President, things like how I not sound like I want to kill Earth soon,

or how make speech following usual passion of intelligible non-sociopath? Or why bad to be evil, explain for baby. It might help. I mean, the political side of it, Stephen, I mean, it's interesting, you know, Trump's sort of wading in on this. I guess he's in a no-lose situation in some ways. Either AI delivers the golden age that he says it will, or it wipes out humanity. Either way, he basically gets what he wants. Yeah.

I usually leave the show in. the spree in my step. I just don't feel that's going to happen this week. Yeah, it is kind of a win-win for him because, I mean, actually, the AI boom really is propping up the American economy at the moment. It is actually astonishing in some ways

just how much damage Trump is stirring at it and how resilient it is. So it's a bit like, I don't know if anyone ever played the game SimCity Four, and after a while you'd get bored of, oh, you know, everything's running so well, why don't I chuck a hurricane at it? And that is, I think, basically, Trump's approach to, oh, I run the most powerful nation on earth.

Let's see if I can do anything about that. A lot of talk of guard rails. Is that going to be enough? I love a guard rail. We've got them in our house. So the guy who lived where we are before, he had mobility issues. And so there's like on the stairs in the bath,

the toilet, we've got all these rails. And it is the best thing. When we moved in, we were like, we're going to take these out. We're bloody never going. You know, when you've been to the... the gym and you've overworked your thighs and you can't really, you have to lower yourself onto the toilet or you just need to brace yourself after the particular movement, you know,

it's like it's amazing. Do you not usually have to lower yourself onto it? No, I backflip onto it normally, yeah. I just think you and I use the toilet very differently. The guardrails are, this is like becoming a political point in the year. US isn't because the AI companies are like, yeah, we've got guardrails, just all of our AI agents, just ignore them. But Stephen, like, what you were saying about, that there's the broader political thing which is around the Americans don't want to stop AI development because they think if they do that, China will overtake them. And so it's all linked in with the US's relationship

with China. And it's gotten so mad in America that Republican Senator Ted Cruz did an interview this week where he was like, if there are going to be killer robots, I'd I'd rather they were American killer robots and not Chinese killer robots. And I had completely unlocked a whole new fear for me, because before I was scared of killer robots, can you imagine how obnoxious an American killer robot is going to be? I mean, there are definitely dangers of a lack of regulation of such matters. To me, leaving AI unregulated or free to regulate itself,

that would be about as sensible as a man getting a new Labrador, training that Labrador to eat nothing but sausages and scotch eggs and then taking that Labrador with him on a nudist holiday. This week has seen a record number of doom-laden prognostications about AI and how it could destroy us all. Further evidence that perhaps the time has come to wake up and not just smell the coffee, but also smell that the coffee machine is about to turn into an autonomous, sentient killer robot

that can blast a radioactive cappuccino into your eyeball at twice the speed of sound and then ask you if you want a half-price muffin with it. Now, clearly it might all be scared among us. But, you know, as long as the people who own and run AI tech have the best interests of humanity at heart, I'm sure are we fine. Open AI boss Sam Altman said that despite valid concerns, people should trust the industry to regulate itself, whilst dressed as a wolf licking his lips and squirting ketchup all over a granny. Of course, having industries regulate themselves is a tried and tested solution.

I mean, it doesn't work, but we have tried it and tested, and that's the important thing. And it also explains why, for example, with the water industry regulating itself, The ancient river-based game of fish or turd is so much less predictable than it usually. Right, at the end of our AI round, it's five points all. It felt like everything I believed in was suddenly collapsing. This is the story of an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia with a dark secret of the school's head teacher.

This was someone I respected above anyone else. And the investigation led by students he's trying to silence. If this is leaked to the media, I'll be destroyed. This is World of Secrets, Catching My Teacher. Listen, on BBC.com, the BBC app, or wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Right, for our next question. The USA has confirmed that for the first time it has put what in where? Is it some actual cheese in the things they label as cheese?

No way. They're not ready for that. No way. Is it Galway girl in their ears and then realise that they could have actually just been boycotting him the whole time based on taste? Have they finally got their act together and put the letter U in the word colour? Sadly, be a proper nation.

Go on, 250 years on it still stings. Is it a weapon in space? That is the correct answer, Stephen, well done. They've sent Donald Trump into orbit. Also, I'm sorry, the thing I didn't understand. understand about this story was, they sent a weapon to space. I thought, fascinating. I assume we're on fighting aliens territory. No, it's just to fight the Russians. I don't know. Donald might have got confused with illegal aliens. Fun fact is most satellites do eventually come back down,

and then we can't really quite control where they land. So, you know, that's going to be a fun problem for future people, or a fun problem for the robots. When China's warned against the space arms race It's make you hanker for the simpler Cold War space race days And it was all about who could get a doggy into orbit first The Soviets won that one of course But only by lying to Lika that the moon was in fact a tennis ball And it was the 1950s tennis balls were still white

Then Gondren My bullshit is rigorously fact-based It's another thing, isn't it? It's like I've got the robots and now the space weapons. I've just got the kids back to school. I've got PE kits to watch. I'm not being worrying about weapons. I mean, certainly putting me off drying on the line.

It really is. There are various international treaties that are supposed to stop the weaponisation of space. That's not going to have a problem for the US military. I mean, it's well known, of course, that in space no one can hear you scream. And if you can't hear screams, you certainly can't hear lawyers.

I think that's their get-out clause. Right. the end of that round, it's let's call it seven points all, why not? Okay, actually just some more news reaching us. Piddington has repelled the British Army

and has now launched a counter-offensive. The Piddington Air Force, which is a pair of pigeons belonging to the vicar, an inflatable Winston Churchill that someone found in a hedge, has helped drive the government forces back, enabling Piddington's ground troops to seize control of Bista Village Shopping Centre.

All updates as the situation develops. But first, the rest of the news quiz. Starting with this for Catherine and Code, it's not just the entire human race whose time is coming to an end. What else, according to the leaders of the SNP, Plied Cunray and Sinn Féin, could soon be joining it

on the way through the eternal trapdoor to oblivion? You want to take this one? Or can we all just assume this question was from me? How I look and how I sound. Correct. It is finally the end of the United Kingdom and not a moment too soon. Let's be honest, it is the most shocking thing about this story

is that it has taken this long for Ireland, Scotland and Wales to realise they could have a meeting without inviting England. It's funny, right? I come from a culture where this seems to me inevitable and obvious and I live in and contribute to a society where when you talk about this, people look like genuinely appalled and dismayed at the end of something that has been so important to them.

And it's funny because it's like, it makes me realise every time that the sweet British person I'm usually talking to, like your education is, So we say selective in history? It's like 1066, we were the good guys. World War II won that by ourselves. Henry VIII set up that church so that we could be in charge and it was awesome.

And then we won the World Cup at the end. Best luck with our TV. Yeah. Irish history starts at the Good Friday Agreement, no? That's where it begins. Yeah, it just sort of came out of nowhere that one. Yeah, I don't know what caused it, but, right. Island and TGI Fridays were born on the same day.

They signed a memorandum of understanding that Westminster's time is coming to an end. Is that accurate, Stephen? I could be. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if, by the end of my life, the United Kingdom is smaller. I do always think the particularly impressive, like, participant in this is Scotland.

Just from a historical perspective, right, it would be a bit like if, like, London turned up to the independence movement. It's like, oh, yeah, imperialism. We didn't have anything to do with that. Wasn't there also that Scotland wouldn't back? Wales in getting rid of the Barnet formula, which calculates how much money all the nations get, because Scotland does quite well out of it, and Wales don't. It's like, because England

in this meeting, someone has to be a grasping bastard. To be clear, I do think you're right, like, it's important to remember it is exactly that, a memorandum of agreement, a memo of intention. Like, it's taken us, what, 900 years when we get to, should we have, should we write a memo? It also sounds like a great title for a memorandum. romantic novel. Barbara Cartland's memorandum of understanding. He was John Swinney. She wasn't.

Well, John Swinney described Andy Burnham as the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, which could either be good or bad news for Burnham. Either it means the UK disintegrates on his watch, or it means his new immortality serum works. A related, well, related question. What, according to Donald Trump,

is going to happen eventually? Melania will learn to love him Even he can't believe that, surely Is it he's going to be outed as Sasha Baron Cohen in a fat suit That will happen That will happen Any other suggestions?

I mean I think it is a United Island Yes And then immediately the joke occurred to me Of it's the first time An Orangeman has said there'll be a United Ireland It's the first time I've ever been against unify. None of it's his idea.

I did find it funny that someone was like, Mr. President, what are you going to say about Scotland? And he was like, I'll say something about Scotland soon. And then I just imagined the whole of Scotland being like, don't you, I do. You can download that as a ringtone, if you were. Yes, President Trump took some time out from his busy schedule of attempting to subvert his own democracy

ahead of the forthcoming midterm elections to jump into the complex issue of the reunification of Ireland, like an unwanted hippo into. a paddling pool. And to me it raises this question. Would you listen to Children's entertainer Mr. Tumble advise you how to defuse the unexploded Second World War bomb?

No, you wouldn't. Would you pay attention to Henry VIII if he tried to give you advice on how to ensure a long and happy marriage? Equally, no. Would you play the blindest bit of notice to Mary Berry critiquing NWA seminal 1989 gangster rap album straight out of Compton? No.

There is one compromise though, and he hasn't suggested it. One, but it has been suggested others that the whole of the UK joins the Republic of Ireland, which surely gives everyone what they want, doesn't it? Doesn't that ticking all the boxes? Yeah, we could be the monoculture, absolutely. Are you all willing to learn Irish? And will she, right? Yeah, right, cool. Fine, then let's go. We're going to have to simplify your position on Gaza. Well, at the end of that round, scores are level, which means we go into a tiebreaker. So one question for each of our teams.

You can have a choice. Music or books? Stephen... Okay, let's go music then. Music. Which singer might be considering adding a cover version of the 1970s classic

All by myself to his touring repertoire. What's his name? He's the one... He looks like Ron Weasley if he'd been kicked out of Hogwarts and started sort of selling vapes off the back of his webhead.

That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. Yes, Ed Sheeran is his name. Yes. His support acts have all decided that they do not want to go on this tour. I'm going to go for the low-hanging fruit here and like, maybe they just had finally heard an Ed Shear and John. My favourite thing about this whole week, it's very lovely. That's the thing that's trended hardest in Ireland this week has been, he's English. Well, I mean, this is difficult times for Ed Sheeran, who's been dragged into a global dispute involving free speech, the Israel-Palestine conflict, human rights, corporate interference in the arts, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, Zionism, and VAR. Presumably VR, it gets into everything these days.

Shearhan is wildly popular, of course. In fact, he's sold so many records that we're just hearing he's now replaced Italy in the G7. Despite unverified claims that there are, in fact, 100,000 Ed Shearons in the wild, after a scheme to crossbreed foxes with polar bears went disastrously wrong. His support act, Maclemore, the American rapper and snooker skeptic, not a single positive reference to the sport in any of his records, expressed support for Palestine at a show in New Jersey.

The tour's promoters dropped him from the lineup. This promoted other support acts, and Sheeran's backing band also to withdraw, all of which has left Sheeran in a very tricky position, especially because he is A, English and B, a big cricket fan, so he's only too painfully aware of the difficulty of finding reliable openers. That means Cody and Catherine, you get the books question

It doesn't matter how you do it, where you do it Or who and what you do it with It's good for you anyway, what? I don't want to be rude But for a start Catherine, that patently isn't true It's reading It's reading

Yes, it's good for you Well there was an irony in that the report That was talking about how good reading is Was boring as shit Not reading that Too long! I of course agree that reading is excellent for you in no way related to the fact that I do have a book out right now.

Yeah, reading fiction can train our brains to respond to real-life events, as Cody said. I know it's helped me. When I have a bit of an argument with my wife, usually about the benefits of balding, or whether the sport is or is not going to watch itself, or whether I not, should refer to her in the setup to a joke on the news quiz.

It's going to be an awkward weekend. Reading's also really good to get it. Like if you want to get a man, you don't know to talk to you. You can just read in a cafe, they'll talk to you, read on a bus, they'll talk to you, we don't know, beach. No woman has ever picked up a book because she wants you to ask, what's the book about? Scoggle it.

You have a phone? It's the nice thing about getting older is I could literally be reading a book called I would like to have sex right now, and nobody would bother me. me. Right, well that means that this week's show has ended in a draw. And, well, news is just reaching us

that the Pittington forces have taken Banbury. Banbury has fallen. I repeat, Banbury has fallen. We will be back next week, hopefully. Fingers crossed. Goodbye and good luck. Taking part in the news for his work, Catherine Bowhart, Cody Dahl, Lucy Porter and Stephen Bush. In the chair was me and hezaltzman.

And additional material was written by Angela Channel, Adrian Gray, Jade Gebby and Lottie Allen. The producer was Pete Strouce and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. I'm Andrew Hunter Murray and from BBC Radio 4 and the history podcast, this is The Hitler Diaries scandal. obsessed with this memorabilia from the third ride. It was kind of an experiment. You can believe me, Barbara. You can be sure. This is the story of when a lone forger in the south of Germany

fooled the biggest publishing houses in Europe. The most sensational story, the Sunday Times had run since the war. It's a tale of a reporter gone rogue. At the end, I think he was mad as a box of frogs. And a magazine blinded by greed and the thrill of this. chase. They saw one of the biggest scoops of all time. The Hitler Diaries scandal. Listen first on BBC Sounds. It felt like everything I believed in was suddenly collapsing.

This is the story of an Islamic boarding school in Indonesia with a dark secret of the school's head teacher. This was someone I respected above anyone else. And the investigation led by students he's trying to silence. This is leaked to the media. I'll be destroyed. This is World of Secrets, Catching My Teacher. Listen on BBC.com, the BBC app or wherever you get your BBC podcasts.