Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep3. When the King came round for tea

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

This week you’re all cordially invited to join us for King Charles’ state visit to Donald Trump’s White House. Please dress to impress. We’ll also be digging into the state of the nation ahead of the upcoming elections on 7th May. Plus, what do we think about MPs drinking at work?Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Matt Hulme, Eleri Morgan, Joe Topping and Angela Channell Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Is your long-term relationship increasingly strained? Do you find that where once you could discuss difficult subjects with civility, now things tend to descend into mudslinging, name-calling and petty insults? Are you worried that so many hurtful words have already been said between you that things will never quite be the same again? Then maybe you need a King Charles III. Available for everything from behind closed doors chats via potentially awkward double dates

to full-blown state banquets, a King Charles III can make everything seem okay again. Simply by talking in a soothingly royal, reassuringly neutral, and ostentatiously, unconfrontational manner. Price on application, warning, effects may wear off within days or hours, not certified views during actual negotiations.

Suitable views whilst listening to the News Quiz. To commemorate this week's historic meeting in Washington, D.C., between the House of Windsor Frontman and America's multiply convicted president, our two teams this week, our team King of the Castle and Team Dirty Rascal. On Team Castle we have Ashley Storry and Victoria Angeloni. And on Team Rascal, Simon Evans and Times columnist, Cindy.

First question to Simon and Cindy, which Brit made a big splash across the pond this week? I mean, you must be Philip Barton, a former permanent secretary of the Foreign Office in front of the Foreign Affairs Select Committee. I think all Americans were on tenterhooks, weren't they? That's not what I've got written down here, but it's...

King Charles made a huge impact on the White House in Washington and an absolute triumph. People have commented on how well his jokes landed, how well judged the whole speech was, and how comfortably he appeared in addressing Britain's current number one enemy. It has to be said, he's extraordinarily brave and well-judged and well-rehearsed and well-modulated speech in which he addressed and encouraged both those who wanted to see a closer union between our countries and those who just wanted to hear some jokes based on the Seven Years' War, which you just don't hear much of these days on the BBC.

You don't open your jongler's set with a quip about the seven years. A number of extraordinarily well researched historical incidents. You know, the Boston Tea Party was referenced, and they even managed to give Donald Trump a literal bell end as a gift without causing a diplomatic incident, extraordinary, an absolute trial.

Yes. It was the bell that had from HMS Trump. HMS Trump from a submarine, yeah. From 1944, which is also the year that Donald Trump last had a thought that wasn't about himself. I think a year before he was conceived. So what did you make of it as a political journalist, Cindy? I thought he was much more direct than I expected. The whole speech was, Simon, you're right, I mean, he was quite funny,

but it was always quite deeply sarcastic at times. He talked about importance of defending freedom in your own. Europe as Ukraine is under attack. He talked about the Mark and Carter, the rule of law. You do you think he was being sarcastic about that? No, I don't think he was being sarcastic about that part, but then he was saying, you know, America is such, good friends with us. We couldn't possibly imagine something like the Suez Canal crisis happening again.

So it's basically all about tone of voice. Because you didn't do it, if he'd done it in the sarcastic tone of voice, you've had quite a different research. But because he's so reassuringly, you know, gentle. It was when he kept saying, L-O-L-M-F-A. Even. The crying, laughing face emoji. But I think all of that was kind of.

of lost on Trump, you know, the kind of direct indirectness of what he was saying, although Congress did give him numerous standing ovations, and then Trump afterwards said, well, they liked you more than they liked me, I wonder why. So it's a bombshell revelation that Donald Trump is not a master

of nuance, but um... He has the best nuance. The greatest nuance. Victoria, what, did you, have you enjoyed the Royal Trip to America. As a Catholic from Belfast, it's tough to say positive things

about the king. But he did do a better job than I think a lot of people were expecting him to sort of maintaining that relationship while criticizing it. It was sort of a sibling relationship, you know? It's very similar to his relationship

with his brother in a sense that he's also allegedly done lots of things. It's a very... load bearing allegedly there. I start my tour in America in two days' time and I have to go through the border in one

day's time. And I'm just hoping that slightly before this gets broadcast. Border security are like, oh, let's tune into Radio 4. It's the news quiz. Well, I mean, they do like betting on the shipping forecast, but in fact.

Ashley, any particular highlights for you? a Catholic from Glasgow. It's very hard for me to say anything positive about KC3PO. But it was great. He turned up there with his burn book, like a mean girl, and he was salty and shady.

He threw all the tea, and Trump didn't pick up on any of it because he's a gong. So it was fantastic. And also, like, I just love a Boston tea party burn. Like, you don't get enough of them. And it was just, it was sick. I loved it. I've just realized, as Catholic from Belfast, Catholic from Glasgow,

we've had the unfortunate choice between a king and an orange man. The king said that the state banquet was better than what, Ashley? Better than the ones he's mum used to make him go to, where they eat people because they're lizards. Did you do lizards eat people? No, but lizard people eat people. Come on, Cindy. Come on, Cindy.

Correct on. The king said the state banquet was better than what? Happy hour at Wetherspoons. I thought it was a pizza expressing Woking. Is the answer a kick in the balls? Well, I mean, not directly, but I mean, I guess the subtext. The subtext. Yeah, he said, a very considerable improvement on the Boston tea path.

which was very much a kick in the balls metaphorical. A political kick in the walls. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I believe that's how it was described at the time. I mean, it's quite a low bar being better than a Boston Tea Party with its weak tea, cold, brood and salty water. That was... ...kisterism gone mad for me, but...

And look how they come crawling back to the British monarchy now. Well, I think that's what Brexit was all about, wasn't? We're taking bookings again. We're getting the old band back together. He went on after that as well as well. It's better than the Britishmen. Boston Tea Party, but seriously, whether you're drinking tea

or wine or Scotch whiskey or bourbon or cola. I mean, that seemed to me the most direct insult to Trump's face. Or cola, like a child, my name. And the day after the banquet, Trump was back on

social media, posting an image of himself holding what? Is it a stethoscope because he loves dressing up as a doctor? I didn't see that one but I don't see all of his social media anyone else? A rare golden labubu

He's a collector Everyone knows it But that's not correct It's a submachine gun It was a machine gun Yeah gangster style machine gun He'd gone back to negotiations with Iran Which had conducted on a slightly different timbre

To the state banquet I mean his social media output's quite unorthening Victoria, isn't it? Unorthodox is certainly weren't for it. It's so unorthodox that he'd built his own social media platform so that he could be so outrageous

with the sort of impunity, which is, I mean, impressive entrepreneurship on a level, but just... But the best thing that he posted on his truth social this week was this Daily Mail family tree, I don't know how many of you saw it.

But the Daily Mail sent one of its journalists to trace Trump's family tree all the way back to a 15th century Scottish king and found that actually Trump is a 15th cousin of King Charles and Trump posted wow that's nice I've always wanted to live in Buckingham Palace

I'll talk to the king and queen about this in a few minutes so that's one thing that we know that they did talk about behind closed doors and the same family tree also found that Trump was related to the Danish royal family as well so we have the daily mail to thank when in a few months time Trump's claiming Greenland by birthright

15th cousin, that's quite It's basically about as much as any of us are related to Genghis Khan Well, I mean, his Scottish roots we do see often For example, his love of walls across southern borders His love of unhealthy food And above all his face care regime Which involves bathing his face in a vat of iron brew

Actually, you see that. Very good for. are you? Yes, he posted a picture of himself wielding a machine gun, a privilege so cruelly denied him in the Vietnam War due to his own tragically timed minor injury problems. And he also

posted no more Mr. Nice Guy. Apologies if you missed the Mr. Nice Guy interlude. It's all waiting for clarification on exactly when that was. We'll let you know as soon as possible. Is this the future of democracy? Basically, just smartly dressed and heavily disguised snark. Is this

where humanity is going? I mean, that's essentially every real housewife's franchise as well. And then I was thinking about it and I was like, it kind of would make an amazing real housewives of like colonialism episode with Charles and Camilla

and Donald and Melania and they're all sat around the table and this is going to take you knowing a lot about real housewives. But I'm like, the only thing fake about me is my toupee and he slams it down. on the table and then Melania's just staring into the distance blankly

because our back's rescue remedy hasn't worn off yet. It'd be great. I can't. I think that if we're going to go down this route of politics means nothing anymore, then let's make it really mean nothing by getting Andy Cohen involved to host a reunion dinner. That's all I'm saying. It's a bit of a change in tone from Trump as well.

A few days before the royal visit, Reuters reported that America was reviewing its position on the Falkland of. Islands as punishment for Britain failing to obey him, basically in Iran war. Look, I know 80s nostalgia is all the rage these days, but I don't think that's a bit that anyone wants back as it, Simon. I don't remember America, I mean, it's always like a retrofit, isn't it, the whole special relationship thing?

I don't remember the task force being accompanied by a significant flotilla from America. I think it's all been rewritten that stuff. It's crap. There hasn't been a decent special relationship since maybe 1918. I think... No. There hasn't been a special relationship since the Prime Minister Hugh Grant

pulled up the President of America sexually harassing that tea lady who wasn't fat in the slightest. Martin McCutche. The trouble with that passage in... Love actually, isn't it? Yeah. Is it set the bar too high

for the degree of spying that could be actually shown away in income of British Prime Minister? I'm sorry, is there an argument now given that, you know, the calming effect that King Charles seemed to have on Trump that we should just leave the king in America on

loan? No, yeah. Maybe like a six-month course of royals so after the king comes back, he can send them to send William, you can go and send Kate, he can send a lot of back-ups. One by one. Princess Anne. I reckon he'd love Princess Anne. Is this the first case of

like geopolitical man marking? Why don't we send Andrew? I think they've met before. Allegedly. So the public-facing side of the state visit was, in many ways, the easy part. Address up smart, read the auto-cube,

don't mention the war or the Geoffrey. But the question is, what was said and done behind closed doors? Now, through the undercover BBC intern in the White House disguised as a house plant, they had to get some use out of Gary Lennox while he works out his contract. We have full. details of everything that happened away from the cameras.

I've got the details here, in fact. We do know they played a game of battleships, the new Iran edition. Big wing for Charles, helped by the fact that he had so few ships. They basically couldn't be found, and all of the big dons were crammed into the strait of Hormu. So it's quite an easy win for Charles there. But can our panellists tell me what Charles and Trump

and Melania and Camilla said in private away from the cameras? Camilla and Melania shared tips on how best to fake a mask. I think Camilla said to Melania, blink three times if you need help. Melania winked twice, and then Camilla was like, I don't know what that means. She doesn't know if it's because her face is froze for all the Botoxin filler. Pretty close. Victoria? I think Trump just spent a lot of time asking where is the best place to get a crown fitted.

Well, I'll give the points to actually for that. basically word for word correct there. Thank you. To summarise, King Charles is the second British monarch to address the Congress, almost 250 years after America binned off his great, great, great, great, great, great,

grandfather because they viewed him as tyrannical, arrogant, egotistical, lacking in empathy, exploiting America for his own financial enrichment. So if revenge is a dish best served cold, irony is a dish best served at a five-course state banquet. So, at the end of that round,

The scores are six points all. Vittorio and Ashley, you can have our next question. By this time next week, we will know the results of what? My pregnancy test. It's a really old-fashioned one. You know a PCR pregnancy test? The first round of the NBA playoffs. That is the kind of answer that I like, and it's factually true.

Factually true, and that's what I'm all about. Okay, that's good. I'll give you a point for a fact. an extra point for mentioning a sport unnecessarily so you're going to show perfectly on your first appearance I mean it's obviously going to be I'm a little bit stammer on the rules on this but we're talking about a series of elections

Correct It's councils isn't it in England In England it's councils Actually what's the political mood in Scotland As there's a national election about state place Easy breezy everybody's chill Nobody's angry at each other but yeah it's looking like the

SMP are going to stay where they are at the top of the list they don't fix potholes I don't really care about anything right now other than potholes and nobody's fixing them and I was thinking of becoming a vigilante and calling myself the hole filler and just going about and if you's want to join me on that

we can start a movement but SMP first and then in the kind of second place it looks like a tie up maybe in the polls between like labour and reform but reformer having a lot of problems just now in Scotland they keep losing candidates one of them had to drop out because she tweeted something bad who hasn't one of them dropped out because he supported her tweeting something bad who hasn't one of them dropped out

because he'd stole money from the COVID thing and put it in his own bank account who hasn't and two of them dropped out because it was an accident and they weren't meant to be on the ballot at all So, fingers crossed that they can hold on. But the leader of Reform Scotland, his name is offered. But she sounds like a handmade's tail name. Like, oh, sister offered, better be your fruit. That's bizarre about the tweets, meaning people have to stand down from the Reform Party. I thought sort of that was an entry requirement for reform.

You've tweeted something bad. Now, Vittorio, so you're from Northern Ireland, live in London now. Now, looking at the state, I think that makes you purely neutral on everything. Well, how do you see the state? Well, it's quite nice in England at the minute, because it's always been very confusing, coming from Belfast, moving over to England, it's a very different political system,

but you've very kindly sort of shifted to have the two parties that are in the ascendancy at the minute be green and blue, so I can really make sense of that a lot more as to basically the Green Party are Catholic and reformer Protestant time. And I know who I will be voting. for it. Cindy, what do you... We're in a uniquely stroppy state

across the whole UK. In fact, according the official national stroppiness index is a record 16.43 harunths on the Tunbridge Wells scale. It's ever... I'm basically, none of the parties are sort of popular, really.

No, none of them are popular, but some of them are more popular than they were before and so they can kind of be a bit happier than the rest, you know, as Victoria says, the Greens and Reform are clearly on the up. And it's just incredible we're talking about reform in Scotland, notwithstanding their problems. The fact that they might even be in second place is absolutely remarkable. The fact that the Greens might take a few of the Labour's strongholds in London is absolutely remarkable as well. A cabinet minister told the Sunday Times

on the weekend that 1,500 council seats was the threshold to lose for the Labour Party, at which point the Labour Party would have a collective nervous breakdown. while the pollsters are now saying it's 1900. So I think we're heading for nervous breakdown territory and what I call Christmas for a journalist, actually. One week to go now, until the national elections in Scotland and Wales, and in England the most eagerly awaited local... Let me rephrase that,

the least uneagally awaited local elections for a little bit of a while. Opinion polls are showing no parties above 30% in the UK as a whole, nor in Wales specifically. Only the SNP above 20-odd percent in Scotland, and even then only at 35% much down from their vote share in the 2021 election. So next Thursday's ballot seems set to result in a resounding... In other British political news,

recently elected Green MP Hannah Spencer said MPs do a surprising amount of what in Parliament? Work? Well, it's boozing, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, almost a bit too on the nose as a sort of. of self-satire, the first high-profile green MP since they became popular, goes into

houses of parliament and immediately starts scolding people. I haven't been in the House of Commerce I don't know how pissed they are on a regular issue. But I do think this country has drifted towards the sort of nanny state mentality at all right on this kind of issue.

Also, I mean, if they do have an important committee meeting or something, in all seriousness they probably should remain reasonably sober for it, She said that they shouldn't drink before they have to vote. No MPs choose how they vote. She misunderstands the entire system. They are essentially automaton's once they're into the voting procedure unless they're going to get whipped.

And that is obviously... You probably want to have a drink before that as well, wouldn't you? Having heard many politicians talking when sober, the last thing you'd want is to have them voting whilst in command of their faculties. I mean, Donald Trump's a teetotaler. That's not done him any good. That is a literally sober. sobering thought.

What do you... Are they drinking enough or... The problem for me is that the bars in Parliament are subsidised. That's in central London and it isn't like some weather spoons on the outskirts where you can get like a doom bar that's about to go off for £4.99.

Guinness is £4.50. I'm running for election. I think the obvious solution is to actually sell the franchise two weather spoons and then you kill two birds we're one stone. I love because Tim Martin does up lots of great old

buildings as well, weather spoons. Many weather spoons are in places that would otherwise have been demolished, which is very much the fate which hangs over there. That's the comments at the moment, so it really could be a... It's a good name for a pub, the houses of Parliament. William Pet the Younger was advised

by his doctor to drink port for his health. He reportedly drank a bottle before breakfast, another before tea, and a third before supper. And then he vomited behind the speaker's chair while in the House of Commons. George Brown, who was the Foreign Secretary in the 1960s, would get so

absolutely off his bobs that private eye coined the euphemism, tired and emotional to describe him. And he supposedly approached a tall figure in a red dress and asked for a dance only to be told, I cannot dance with you because you are drunk, this is the national anthem,

and I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima. We've all been there. Another Parliament-related question. What will not be happening ever again in Parliament? Is this the hereditary peers thing? Yes. Which turns like it's a sort of ailment that you get from your parents. Sorry, I can't make it.

I've got hereditary peers. It's like how I got autism off my dad. It's nap autism. Outstanding work. I mean, is it slightly ironically in this week in which we're glorying in one relic of medieval feudalism in America, we've ditched another. Yeah, but we ditch quite a few of them in one go, haven't we,

because there were 92 left over from the 1999 reforms, which abolished most of the hereditary peers. But then you're reading to the small print, you realise actually at least 15 of these hereditary peers that have been abolished this week will remain as live peers in the house. So they're actually really hard to get rid of. It's been 30 years trying to get rid of them, or 1,000, depending on which way you start counting.

and dozens of them are still going to remain as live peers. It's harder to do we get rid of than herpes. That could be a shortening of those two words. Hereditary pears could become herpes. The Prime Minister gave a speech in which he claimed the tide could be turning on what? The tide is turning on shoplifting. Correct, yes.

Oh, I love shoplifters. No, it's bad, but, you know, It's a part of the world. I was in Brixton. I stay in Brixton when I come to London because I like to feel at home, and it is the closest to Glasgow. I felt in London.

And I was looking for the Sainsbury's, and the top review for the Sainsbury's on Google was five stars, great for shoplifting. And I went in, and there was a man literally shoving Haribone's pockets. And I was like, they're right, it is great for shoplifting. But I like, when they steal the meat

and then try and sell you out the front, Does that not happen? I was actually a store manager for Liddle for about half a year. We caught a shoplifter once. It was like, you know, almost £100 worth. It was just screaming at us, swearing at us, all this sort of stuff. Then as she walks out of the store, she goes, I'm never shopping here again!

I think the key is that what's changed, though. I agree with you at shoplifting is part of British culture, and it's definitely a right of passage. And it may surprise you to learn that despite my wealth and privilege, I indulged a little bit in shoplifting in Walwoods. Oh, well, you have to get your kicks. You've got to get your kick, exactly. It's an adrenaline rush.

But there used to be at least the pretense that you were trying to actually conceal your activity. That's what's changed, right? You used to have to go, look a badger, and then grab a load of pyramids. But yeah, we used to have to try and pocket it. Now it's just like making eye contact with the store staff as you do it.

And that, I think, is off. Well, you say that? I think that's, like, recent tradition, proper old British tradition is you steal things and then put them on display in a museum. But the problem is they make shoplifting so easy nowadays. Like I was in Tesco on the way here because of the self-service

checkouts. You can just sort of weigh whatever you want and then sort of as long as it weighs roughly the same. Like on the way here I was picking up like an assortment of loose carrots just a few kilograms and it's like... I don't know... I do like a prop in a radio show.

The irony is you've got Carver and champagne weighs exactly the same. The Prime Minister took some time out from his hectic schedule of failing to engage with the voting public to make a speech on the contemporary social scourge that is shoplifting. Current anti-shoplifting measures have proved ineffective. These have included putting cardboard cutouts of a disappointed-looking Rachel Reeves by the door.

Ray Winston voiced PA announcements and nailing potato waffles to the ceiling. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz, So our winners are Cindy and Simon with 12. Ashley and Victoria have 11. And just some breaking news reaching us amidst continuing concern about the inadequacy of Britain's defence spending

and the ballooning welfare budget of which pensions is the biggest part. The government has just announced that all pensioners will be redeployed to the armed forces. Thank you for listening to the news quiz. Until next time, goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Ashley Storrie,

Simon Evans, Victoria Angelone and Cindy Yu. In the chair was me and his quiz. Saltman and additional material was written by Matt Hume, Eleri Morgan, Joe Topping and Angela Channel. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Political language can seem archaic. It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died.

Sometimes bamboozling. It's a theme park with a five-foot log flume from one thought to another. And very often, beyond words. I don't mean how to describe the language I use. I'm a man to unitary unitary. I'm all reset and turbocharged to stress. test to destruction, used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade,

the intentions behind them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message Here with me, Amanda Unucci from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science.