Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep4. By-elections, hello defections

Episode Date: February 6, 2026

On the agenda this week is Starmer vs Burnham in Labour's latest civil war, Suella Braverman’s defection to Reform, and working out how to save The Great British pub. To get to the bottom of all this, Andy is joined by Daliso Chaponda, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Hugo Rifkind and Holly Walsh.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Christina Riggs, Cameron Loxdale and Sarah Mills Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. On his trip to China this week, the Prime Minister has apparently been using old-style bernophones to avoid the risk of sensitive information getting into the wrong hands. So here on the news quiz, to stop any Chinese Communist Party topical radio comedy panel shows hacking into our jokes,

we are also using old-fashioned technology to make this week's shoe. Oh, hang on, there's a spelling mistake in the script. Chisle, please. Thank you. This week's show. There we go. So without further ado, welcome to...

I need page two. Welcome to... Hang on, I'll just wind up the gramophone for the theme tune. The News Quiz! Hack into that, gee. Welcome to the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman. Later on in the show, we'll be giving you advice on what great successful military forces from history to name check if you're trying to intimidate a foe. And just a quick heads up in case you're listening from the White House, Armadas did not have a completely flawless record.

But first, let's meet our teams to commemorate the Kirstarmurversy. Andy Burnham Showdown, we have Team Knight against Team Mayor. Which seems kind of appropriate. On Team Knight, we have Hugo Rifkind and Holly Walsh. And on Team Mayor, Deliso Sheponder, and Kiri Pritchard McLean. Right, let's start back at the start of the week. A simple innocent time when all the world had to worry about was the President of America and his buddies

making up outright lies about dead people and whether the UN could hack had a viable lasting peace deal between the Beckham's. So at the start of the week, this can go to Hugo and Holly. 50 Labour MPs signed what? Right, this is about the Gorton and Denton by-election. Andy Burnham, the mayor of Manchester, he wanted to run in it. But in order to run, his candidacy needs the approval of the party,

which is headed by Kirstama, which itself needs the approval of the NEC, which is also headed by Kirstama. Because Andy Burnham, this is the whole point, he wants to get back into Parliament and perhaps, you know, take over his PM. In order to be a rival to Kirstama, he first needs to ask Kirstama.

And then Kirstama, needs to ask Keir Stama. And Keir Stama said no. And the reason he gave was he said basically it's because if Andy Burnham ran in the by-election in Manchester, they'd have to have another election to be the mayor of Manchester because you can't be mayor of Manchester and an MP at the same time, which is true.

Because if you're the mayor of Manchester, you're also the police and crime commissioner. And you can't be a police and crime commissioner if you're an MP, I guess in case you need to arrest yourself. And Burnham now says he only wanted to be the mayor of Manchester to defend Manchester from reform, winning the by-election in Manchester, which was a risk worth taking,

even if he stopped being the mayor, and then they won the by-election in Manchester, at which point you sort of start wishing everyone would stop saying Manchester. Now, anyway, the point being, 50 MPs have written a letter to Kistama and they're very cross because they do want Andy Burnham to stand.

The weird thing is, although 50 MPs have written to him, nobody knows who they are. It's an anonymous letter, like on Valentine's Day. Do they do it in the form of a sort of quirky little poem? It's like we hate you and think you should stand down. Guess who?

Labour are red, Tory's a blue. I'm Mandy Burnham and I want to screw you. I mean it is kind of curious time for the Labour Party. And yeah, they cited the cost of the mayoral election to replace Burnham as the reason for not letting him stand. And it was absolutely definitely nothing to do with the inevitable and unstoppable. Vesuvius of daily, probably hourly, at times militantly speculation about him taking over from Stama

as leader one day quite soon, maybe actually in one day's time. So, I mean, where do you think they stand now, Holly, as a... I don't understand what is going on. I've got no idea. It's all very traitors, isn't it? I mean, like, you've got Kia Stama going, is he a faithful, or is he a traitor and trying to kill me? It's very hard to tell. But, I mean, by-elections are the best of times pretty boring. Yeah, I don't even know why... What are any more, though? Have you noticed? I think that's... this is a side mission from reform because like obviously

their whole thing is like just kick anyone out the country who doesn't look like them but I think what their side hustle is to bring back the by-election to bring back some pizzazz to it Cali-fili by-election big news now this Gorton and Denton big news I think that that is reform's

most honourable thing is to make by-elections great again that is what they've done and I appreciate because now we're all talking we would never have been discussing this otherwise if it wasn't the threat of reform taking it. There's always a positive side. I'm glad you've...

I live in Manchester and I just warn Starrmer to mess with Burnham at his own peril because he's actually like half Mancunian, half from Liverpool, right? This is like being half Palestinian, half from Israel. Like literally, he is the embodiment of making two groups

that do not work together, work together, And if they're not careful, he's going to get reform and the Greens working together. I should just apologise to anyone who really doesn't think that we should trivialise the Manchester Liverpool rivalry. Yeah, I mean, how likely is a leadership tilt do you think from someone at Kirstama within the next? Because we're only 18 months into a five-year...

Do we just have short attention spans now? We can't just need... It's TikTok, isn't it? It's gone for us all. It's gone for, we're too busy on TikTok and our attention spans are now the same for the leaders. But I mean, there is a case of, Kier Summer will not be here at the next election as leader.

So he's just sort of trying his time and trying these stalling tactics. But it's not going to make him more popular. And I think he's doing it as a show of strength, but actually it's making him look like he doesn't believe that he would win or, you know, that a challenge wouldn't be successful. So I think it's going to backfire slightly. And I think Andy Burnham's got the cool like underdog vibe now.

And we love an underdog. I mean, Burnham, he did try and be Labour leader twice before. Didn't really get very far. He's one of these people. This sort of happens. People rise in everyone's estimation if they're quite far away from getting the job. You know, like Gordon Brown did it and then he got the job and it was like, oh dear. David Milliman did it and then he didn't even get the job because he got sort of stabbed in the back by his own brother.

And Labor's got this thing at the moment of kind of like anyone would be better. And it's like, yeah, but if you narrow it down specifically like from anyone to somebody, they're kind of like, oh no, no, then it gets harder, yeah. And it is very hard to see anyone who would actually be doing better than slum. I think he will be there at the next election, because Labor's really bad at getting rid of leaders as well. Sounds like bedding talk. Well, there you go.

How much do you bet? I bet nothing. Okay, now we're talking. Angela Rainer, there was talk of her career being on the up again, and there's only three and a half years of national bickering time until the next general election, so time is of the essence. But what did Angela Raina suggest that Labour needs to do to get back in favour with the public?

Was it something to do with being led by Angela Raina? I think that was the subtext rather than the overt text. I think she should rebrand herself, Angler. It's just a strong political name, Angler Rainer. Then you're going to be like, she sounds sensible. Yeah, I'm in. Oh, she said be unapologetically Labour. Yeah.

Which, you know, Angela Raina has got credentials in terms of being kind of old labor, I guess, more on the socialist side of things. So she thinks that that's sort of pandering to reform is not working for labour, so that's mission drift, so they need to get back to being old school labour. She should have a slogan, sorry,

but we're unapologetically labour. She was saying that they need to be unapologetic about their agenda, proud of their agenda. The problem with that is, in order to do that, you do need an agenda. She's basically one of those people who goes, that's just me. I say it as I see it.

If you don't like it, that's who I am. It's really the kind of woman who has a birthday week. Yeah, she's very much that vibe. So, I mean, what would be your suggestions at anyone for how Labor can reverse their political horse and cart out of the quarry of disillusionment that they've ridden it? I think invade Greenland. I think it's, you know, nobody's, they talked everyone out of it.

He'd be in there quickly. And then put Burnham as Mayor of Greenland. Easy. Although you'd have to be Melton if it was Greenland, I think, rather than Burnham. I think they could solve literally all their problems in one very, very easy way, which is just if they all, all of them, joined reform. At the moment it does seem like politics should just be an opt-out-out-of-reform rather than opt-into reform. Like with organ donation?

Yeah, exactly. Andy Burnham also denying that he'd been less than completely honest in the timeline of what he knew when in terms of whether or not he'd be allowed to stand. He said Westminster Insiders, don't get a licence to lie. But do you think that should be introduced so that we all know where we stand?

If we know some politicians have an official license to lie. I mean, you can get a provisional license to lie. Also, we don't actually want an honest politician. Everyone thinks they do, but it would be so depressing. Could you imagine someone gets on television? I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just trying. We need lie to me.

Give me a false sense of security. The last time I had an honest politician is when Gordon Brown had a hot mic and he called a woman a bigot. That was the last time we had an honest politician. But interesting, the guy who is the previous incumbent in the seat of Denton and Gorton. Other way around, Gordon and Denton. Doesn't it sound like a sort of double act from the eight? whose sketches are not allowed to be shown anymore.

They cannot be repeated because of the accents. In previous incumbent, Andrew Gwynn, he got sat... Well, one of the things he got done for was just a leaked WhatsApp message where he basically was very rude about somebody for complaining about bins, right? And hope they replied. And that is probably what most MPs think on a daily basis. And yet when you do see a sort of glimpse behind the curtain, and they get in real trouble for it.

Also, I think no one should ever get in trouble for leaked WhatsApp messages, because if WhatsApp messages of everybody leaked society would fall apart. I did love that bigoted woman day when Gordon Brown got caught on the hot mic saying it. That's a national bigoted women day. It was amazing. It was amazing.

It was my favorite day in journalism because he said it and then this massive fuss kind of blow up. And he had to go to her house and apologize. And he went to her house and you saw him go in and you had the country's press outside point cameras at the door. And then he was in there for ages. And we were all watching it in the newsroom going like, what's happening in there?

And it was total silence. Then someone just from the back goes like, do you think he might have killed her? Ahead of the imminent Gorton and Denton by-election, Labour's NEC chose to be dented now and gourd later. They told the party that they can't stand, Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham. Sorry, as their candidate in the seat.

Labor weighed up the improved chance Burnham would give them of winning a by-election they look likely to lose anyway against the near certainty of losing a mayoral election they don't need to hold and went with option A instead of option A because as the old political saying goes, better a carrot in the eye socket now than a bigger carrot in the other eye socket later.

And who can argue with that? Stahma sort of stuck perennially in a kind of series of impossible choices. It's kind of fox grain chicken scenario, you know, the fox and the grain and the chicken in the boat. Only the boat is made of salt so it has a tendency to dissolve in water and instead of a fox, there's a cannibalistic hyena,

and instead of the grain in the chicken, there are two more cannibalistic hyenas, and you are dressed as a zebra carcass. So there's just not an obvious way. Other subject of metaphorical cannibalism, let's move on to the Conservative Party. The Tory leader, Kemi Badnox, said the Conservative Party no longer needs or wants what?

Votes. That's sort of the implication. Any other suggestions? They no longer want the centre ground. Yes, centrist ideas. Centrist. They don't want anything central now. They don't want to have centre ground, centre forwards.

They don't want those. Centre parks. The holiday, can me bad or not, can ruin. Centre folds. Centre partings as well, yeah. Centre partings, yeah. What are they? Central heating.

The Tories are in, they're in this really weird place because it's like, this is because Suella Braverman defected to reform. She followed. Robert Jenrick. And everyone's sort of forgotten about Suella Braviman, but you might remember some of her greatest hits, like the Rwanda policy, and standing on a guide dog, which is...

Is defection really the right term? Because if you look at everything she's said all her career, I think it's like she's come out of the closet. Yes. She's always been reformed. She's joined her people. Yes, I think that's really right. There's now more members of Boris Johnson's

cabinet in Nigel Farage's shadow cabinet. than there are in Kemi Baderach's Shadow Cabinet. She came out and said, good riddance to them. They can go off to the right. And so lots of Tories were like, hooray, we're moving back to the centre. And she was like, no, you're even worse.

And so it's like you always get this idea with Kemi Baderach that her happy place, what she really wants is a Conservative party with only her in it, which would last about a week before she launched into a vicious fight against herself. I think it's wild. The press release that the Conservatives put out after Soella Brotherman defected, being like,

we really hope her mental health gets better. Is, like, the most messy thing I have... Like, is Brooklyn Beckham writing this for you? Like, it's... So, basically, reform, which built itself on its anti-establishmentism, is now a hospice for the barely pulsing careers of failed tourists. You could see Nigel Farage, when they did their press comments, when she joined. You could see him looking nervous about, like,

she was there kind of sort of never. sweetly into his neck beaming, and he looked like a man who's thinking, I hope my wife doesn't see these photos. But, I mean, reform always managed to find a way of getting themselves in the headlines. There was a headline this week. Police uncover biggest ever stash of stolen tools.

So, no, that was a separate story. Separate story, it wasn't about defensions. But anyway, but you just, they're an escapeable one now. And the latest Tory Lemming to leap off the conservative cliff onto the waiting fly-tip mattress of Reform UK was Suella Bravman, the being sacked from cabinet specialist. The alienating her own colleagues fan

described the Conservative Party as bitter and desperate. You can just make up your own jokes there. Moving on, according to polling, almost half of women, aged 18 to 24, are planning to do what? Get a Harry Stiles ticket? I think it's way more than that. Cut in a fringe, their regret.

But I've had plenty of fringes, our regret. It's all in Edinburgh. It's vote green. Vote green, correct. It's really interesting, this. It could be because women these days are more likely to be graduates, more likely to be against austerity than men,

and so their politics could be drifting left, or it could be because Zach Polanski has hypnotised them and told them it'll make their breasts bigger. A while ago I was writing about it, Because, you know, Zach Polanski, he was, he did do an interview in the son when he was a Harley Street hypnotist where he did say he could hypnotize women and make their breasts.

Wouldn't it be easier to hypnotize the person looking at the breasts? To imagine they're bigger. Because that's just a mind thing. There's no physical change. Deliso, I'm not a doctor. You know. The woman who interviewed, the son sent to interview him. She wrote it up and she said, and the article basically ends.

It's going like, it's a week later. They're still growing. And she's never been heard from again. 15 years ago. She's just floating up in the atmosphere on a zephyr. Well, politics are completely you look at the polls now.

We've got Labour and the Tories around or just below 20% Greens and Reform UK doing well. Have things properly changed? Is this just between? I would love a world where the next election

was really just a green versus reform because I can actually tell the difference between them. So Polanski's policy described as eco-populism. Is this going to work? Do you think? Eco-populism.

I mean, there is, you know, there's still a surprising number of British voters who, for ever reason, do think that future generations have a right to exist. I mean, is this, you know, potentially tapping into that, you know, that, I mean, might be a small part of the elector, but still quite a significant part. Yeah, no, I think in this by-election, I think they are,

I mean, they haven't put up their candidate yet, at least at the time of, talking. So you don't quite know. And Reform's got this guy, Matt Goodwin, former academic, who he's not from Manchester, but he sort of says he is, which is kind of weird. He delivered pizzas in the area. He delivered pizzas, yeah. He said in the past, he disputed the idea that people are British just because they have British citizenship. He said it takes more than a certificate to make somebody British. But apparently... Have you been miss-soled, Delisa? All those exams for nothing.

Delisa, all you have to do is deliver some pizzas here and you're from here. No, all you have to do is start a fight at a wedding, then you're brittling. You know he ate a book once, Matt Goodwin. He said Corbyn wouldn't get more than 38% and he only got 40%.

He said if he does, I'll eat my own book live on Sky News. And he only got 40% and he went on Sky News and began eating his book. There's a bit in the middle where he's got a mouth full of book. And he goes, it's a hard buck. That's the most Alan Partridge thing I've ever heard. I don't think he finished the book.

I think I just put him up because his surname's Goodwin. That's the only reason. Like the reason why Labour haven't found anyway, they're desperately searching for someone called Jerry Landslide. Economically, some have questioned the Greens' reliance on taxing the hyper-wealthy to pay for the nationwide hydraulic platform they're going to build to lift Britain above rising sea levels. But the fact.

The problem is, that taxing billionaires is like using dolphins as jet skis. Yes, it's a lovely idea, but they always find a way of slithering their way out of it. At the end of that round, it's 10 to Deliso and Kiri and 8 to Holly and Hugo. So we'll give Holly and Hugo first go at this question to try and get back into it. Kirstarmer this week became the first Prime Minister for eight years to do what? Well, who was eight years ago, Theresa May?

Hold hands with Donald Trump? Share a bed with Philip May? As that is hearsay. He went to China. Yes, correct. He's the first Prime Minister to go to China in eight years. He's been hanging out with Xi Jinping, doing all kinds of weird deals. He did a really weird thing at a press conference

where he said he was using this analogy that Xi Jinping had used to him, where he was saying it's important to understand all of China. And he's saying it's like this Chinese saying about knowing the whole thing. about knowing the whole of an elephant where these blind men find an elephant and it's a very plaza elephant you'd imagine because it's being groped by all these blind men and it doesn't seem to mind. So L'Abravman would have stood on it, I suppose.

But the one who only knows the leg thinks it's a pillar and the one who only knows the ear thinks it's a fan. Where's this going? And the one who knows... And it sounds like the one who knows the whole of the elephant has his hand up its ass, but no. It's about once you see everything, you know it's an elephant. And that's what Kirstana wants to do with China.

And if you don't know where this is going, it's not my fault, neither did I. I love the idea that if it was reversed, Xi Jinping's like, and there's this amazing English saying that I think would really help us. See it. Say it. So one of the things that come out of it, apparently, is visa-free travel for going to China. Are you going to take advantage of that, anyone? already is the thing.

Right. I think it used to be 10 days, but they've pushed it up to 30 days. Yes. So if you want to go to China for 30 days, fill your boots. Yeah. Start the car.

News also just reaching us, well, just as China is getting their big new super embassy in London to give it optimum espionage options. The British embassy in Beijing is also being pimped up. Starmer's team reportedly sneaked in some yogurt pots on strings

and some fake moustaches. The delegation from the UK, were told not to go with laptops or phones or, you know, tamagotchi or anything. Like, you had to go, I mean, imagine sitting next to Kirstama on a 10-hour flight without a phone or screen. Yes, following concerns about potential security and spying risks from the new Chinese mega embassy in London. Kirstarmer launched an audacious counter-espionage jaunt by flying straight into the heart of Beijing and snooping around in the corridors of power. The UK delegation was given disposable phones to minimise the security risk,

when Kirstarman was asked if he would like a handy burner mobile. But if only with China and America, if only there were some major trade organisation that were sort of equidistant between China and America politically and geographically that we could... Anyway, look, it's a pipe dream. Right, the score is now 12 to Deliso and Keri, 10 to Hugo and Holly. Let's get another round in.

Almost a quarter of adults haven't done it at all in the last year. Young people aren't doing it nearly as much as they used to, particularly in the 1960s and 70s, but pensioners are doing it loads, surprisingly loads, often in groups, sometimes with people they've only just met. What am I talking about? Are there cameras in my room?

How do you know about this? Is it wordle? Is it ketamine? Not warmer, but not not. Is it eating where there's originals? That's not what I've got written down here. Drinking? Drinking, yes, correct.

It is drinking. Bit of a trick question. You all thought I was going to say, watch test match cricket, but it is drinking alcohol. Well, why do we think this is happening? They're the younger generation and much more abstemious than the old...

Is it so expensive nowadays and old people can afford it and young people can't? Which is why they're all on ketamine. Yeah, I do think. the price of booze, but also I think it's because their parents are maybe of a generation with

more of a drinking culture. And I think when you see your parents get hammered and your mum's on the dance floor and there's a nipple popping out every now and then. You know, and she's got one shoe on. You're not like, that's what I want to be when I grow up.

This is precisely why I drink so much at home. It's to set a good example for my kids. Both nipples out. That's what you mean. Also, with age, you need it. It's almost medication. Your body's giving in. There's pain.

There's suffering. There's no hopes and dreams anymore. And it's also like, it's more of a sacrifice because like a 20-year-old could drink and the hangover is just like a day, but you're like committing to this five days of pain because you need to forget the tedium of your life

for an hour. Are you saying the reason we drink so much is NHS waiting lists? I find it really hard to drink now. I gave up drinking wine about two years ago. For starters, I've actually never drunk white wine and not use the phrase. Why don't you just dump me then? Well, the government has tried

to help out the struggling hospitality sector by taking 15% off what? The working day? 15% off the bill of anyone who gets around in. Is it 15% off bar stools, so you're that bit closer to your pint?

15% off the number of hairs in a packet of pork scratching. Is it 15% off a 12% bottle of alcohol? So you're on minus 3%, so you have to drink a lot to get drunk. I'm not sure that's how that maths work. Is it the business rates for pubs? Business rates for pubs, yes.

Which is going to amount to, around about 1650 pounds per year for the average pub, which in the current commercial climate doesn't seem like a huge, like chucking a bit of bubblegum to Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic, saying, blow it up and see if it helps you float. Is it going to make any difference to pubs?

It's a tough time for pubs. Yeah. Pubs across. They're all banning Labour MPs, which I was speaking to a Labour MP about this the other day, saying what's it like that, you know, you're all banned from going into pubs. And he said, well, everyone's quite,

upset about it on, but on the plus side, people are really pleased that they know who we are. Yeah, well, pubs have been, you know, hit by various factors, including increased rents and staffing costs. The declining popularity of getting so drunk that you wake up on the roof of a cathedral, naked but for a traffic cone, chained to a statue of Florence Nightingale.

Just me. Well, at the end of this week's news quiz, our winners are Holly and Hugo. Thank you. Thank you, thank you very. Our winners walk away with the former Tory cabinet minister of their choice. They're literally giving them away now. Any preference?

I've already got one. Our losers win tickets to the new Melania Trump documentary. Just some news breaking us. President Trump has warned the Iranian government that he will launch military strikes against Iran the minute his approval rating in polls in America drops below minus 20%. So, keep on that over the weekend. Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz, words Elise O'Sha Ponder, Kiri Pritchard MacLean, Hugo Rifkind and Holly Walsh. In the chair was me, Andy Zotsman, and additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Cameron Locksdale and Sarah Mills. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Political language can seem archaic.

It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. Sometimes bamboozling. It's a theme park with a fun. Five foot log flume from one thought to another. And very often, beyond words. I don't mean how to describe the language I use. I'm Amanda Unucci. I'm all reset and turbocharged to stress, test to destruction, used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics.

I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters, and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message Here with me, Amanda Unucci, from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science.