Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep4. The people have spoken

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

Recorded on Friday morning, Andy and the panel dig into the election results from 7th May. Who’s done well? Who’s done not so well? And how does this have anything to do with The Grand National? Also up for discussion is The Met Gala and the legend that is Sir David Attenborough’s 100th birthday.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Mike Shephard, Cameron Loxdale, Stephanie Kemp and Angela Channell Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Recorded by Jerry Peal and Jon CalverA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. Ahead of this week's election special news quiz, I am commemorating the 100th birthday of Sir David Attenborough by hiding in some undergrowth at Labour Party headquarters trying to find at least some sign of life. Nothing as of yet, but as Sir David would testify,

you sometimes have to be patient when trying to catch sight of endangered species. Very patient. Oh, I think that might have been West Street in making a move. No, no, it was a lemming, the party's new mascot. Anyway, whilst we wait for something definitive, here is The News Quiz. Welcome to The News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltman.

We are recording before most of the results of Thursday's elections are known, but we do know some of the results, plus it's 2026. Partially informed speculation is all the rage. In fact, it's worth of average, if anything. Our teams this week in tribute to... the state of the traditional political powerhouses of British politics, we have Team Rock Bottom, against Team Paper and Scissors. Didn't do too well either.

On Team Rock, we have Jeff Norcott and Rachel Fairburn. And on Team Paper Scissors, Lucy Porter, and from the Times, Hugo Rifkin. So, question one, to Hugo and Lucy. The people have spoken. We admittedly don't know yet quite what all of them have said, but based on what we do know, what did they say? What's been really interesting over the last few weeks, really, is Labour's been engaged really heavily in expectation management,

as in you talk up the scale of the defeat. So in the end, whatever happens doesn't look so bad. It's like if you go to your doctor and you've got a bit of a cold and the doctor goes, it's bad, you've only got a day to live. And you're like, oh no, no, no, I'm only kidding. You've got a week to live. Feel better now. So far, what do we know?

We know Labor is losing lots of councils and councillors, Reform and the Greens are mainly only getting councillors. They've got a couple of councils. Mainly we're hearing a lot of no overall control, which is, she feels very British, no overall control. It's also what they're saying about Kirstenmer's bladder today, I think, no overall control. Oh, if you stress it differently, it becomes no overall control.

Sounds like what a lot of the Greens wear. Reform are winning some councils. They've won one London Council, which is deranged. No, sorry, not deranged, havering. I think the real... I think the really important thing to remember is that what the results are going to look like is Labor losing a lot and reform picking up a lot. But that doesn't mean that Labor's losing voters that reform are picking up, because Labor's actually losing votes to the Greens and reforms getting votes for the conservatives,

but just in the maths. There's no comedy in this. The main thing I've been really enjoying is the names of the various wards around the countries, because each council, you know, you vote in your ward. And in Portsmouth, I just learned just now, there is a Charles Dickens ward in Portsmouth. It sounds like a little orphan girl. There you go, that's what we've learned.

Yeah, I mean, it is kind of weird because we're obviously at that stage where all the politicians are saying, well, like Labor are going, well, we can't see the full picture yet and seeing how long they can get away with saying that. It's like, well, we haven't got all the pieces of the jigsaw. And it's like, yeah, but if you were doing a jigsaw

and you'd done the bottom right corner and you could just see the words RMS Titanic, you're not going to think it might be a lovely, A lovely picture of some kittens, we don't know. So, yeah, not predicts to be a great night for labour. Keir Stama said he's not going anywhere. He's very much Rick Astley. Never going to give you up, never going to let you down.

I mean, not looking great for him. I mean, you know I have a reserve of affection for Keir Stammer. You have a calendar. I do. Do you know what, though? A few years ago, if you'd said that me and Starmour were going to have a pity shag, I would have thought it would be because he felt sorry for me. Things have changed.

I think for the sake of balance, you've got to say you'd have a pity shag with all the other political leaders. Do you want me to go in order of preference? And, you know, there's all of this stuff about, oh, he's not going to go anywhere. And, you know, David Lamy saying, oh, you don't change the pilot mid-flight. It's like, well, you'd do if the pilots set the controls to sort of nose dive into the nearest open sewer. I think you might wrestle the control. But, yeah, no, it's not looking at. He's sort of in that position where everybody sort of.

saying we have great confidence in him, but you know they're just waiting for the next thing to come. It's like when you're at a party and you're talking to someone and they're constantly looking over your shoulder for someone more interesting. He's kind of in that situation at the minute. So yeah, not a great night for them. I mean, who know, Lib Dems, everyone was saying, oh, they're going to have a good night in London. We'll see if that pans. I mean, to me, it just made me think what is Ed Davies' idea of a good night in London? Probably a couple of pints at the weather spoons in Waterloo after he's been water skiing up the Temes, I imagine?

The Tories, it's funny with the Tories, when they say the Tories have done badly. It's sort of weird that people are still saying it. It's like saying Blockbuster Video had a tricky first quarter. That's sort of, oh, that's still going, is it? They just don't...

Kemi Badnox, she's done a lot better at PMQ's, right? But that's just like clips. You know, like, she's... Well, we won't get back to power, but a lot of the kids are using fire emojis on her clips. It's not... No one knows who anyone is beyond Kemi Bader not, because Mel Stride is the shadow chancellor,

just a little bit of information to digest. He's like if beige was a politician, isn't you? Well, he's sort of like, he's less famous than the guy in the cravat that sits in select committee meetings, okay? Pretty Patel is still knocking about, which is like, if I'm not taking out, take that are still touring.

You're like, oh, right, they're still, they're still, Claire Cotinio, they've got somebody called Claire Cotinio, which just sounds like a range of bespoke curtains. So, like, I think they've got, got back a couple of councils so far in London, but it's sort of they're in the realms of, well,

we're less shit than last time. You know, which I guess is growth. Kemi Badenoch's been speaking this morning some actual breaking news. She says she can see signs of renewal. And she said, she's also said, our strategy is working good. Dear.

Like the opposite of Breaking Bad. With the Tories it's hard as well because you don't know who's reform now So Suella Braverman was saying Oh Nigel Farage is going to be the next prime minister And I was like well that's a weird thing for a Tory Oh no She's not anymore is she

So I find that sort of intriguing Can we just say that reform do have the best logo Because I was looking down the thing And they're not my cup of tea But they have a little arrow that points to the box That's genius And yet the Conservatives thing doesn't even look conservative? It's a little tree.

And you wouldn't even associate that with being conservative. They should just have a little pair of boobs or something that people like. Well, Zach Polanski, Zach Polanski would have a pair of boobs, and they would get bigger in front of your very eyes. Because that's how he's going to save the economy, Polanski, he's just, we're going to sit down together and hum.

Part of me thinks with Kirstam are refusing to go, I find it quite incredible, like I admire it in a way, because to be that disliked and be so defiant in that I would crumble. I'm a comedian, I need people to like me, it's pathetic. And I actually read that some MPs are so unhappy with him and he's so unpopular that they're thinking about presenting him with a timetable for his departure. I would love to see that timetable. 7 a.m. breakfast, 7.30 emails. 7.35, piss off. It's actually Ed Miliband

that sat him down as well. How galling my... must that be? Ed Miliband, it's like a battle of the people with the most irritating voices in politics. Ed Miliband just puts a hand on your knee and goes, I think you've had enough, haven't you? What you said is what you need in politics,

you need someone to support you and treat you like a brother. I'd actually quite like it if Ed Miliband became leader in one because I think it might reset the timeline. What's sort of a marvel doomsday event? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're back in 2015.

It's amazing. you know, Alan Rickman's still alive. My knees still work. England are about to win the ashes. Awesome. I mean, it was... What Hugo said was absolutely right. Expectation management.

It doesn't change the reality of the thing, does it? If I said to my wife, like, babe, we're going to have a night out. It's going to be bad. Not all of us are going to survive the night. You know, I'm hanging on, didn't he? He come out and he's already done a speech, hasn't he? He said that if he left, it would plunds. the country into chaos.

You think, it's so cute that he thinks we're not already there, isn't he? I mean, yeah, it is chaos. I shouldn't be surprised when a hand dryer works. That's the level. When he said, I am not going anywhere, is this not a rare example of a politician being brutally honest?

I mean, he clearly isn't going anywhere. Part of the problem, isn't it? You know, the alternatives, because, I mean, West Streeting and Angela Rainer, you know, not massively more popular. It'd be like sort of having a broken toilet seat and switching it for a sort of plank

with splinters in it. It's like you'll get a pain in the ass one way or another. And then Andy Burnham, of course. They're like, well, we've got to wait for Andy Burnham to find a safe labour seat, which... Good luck with that. I mean, if they lose Wales, that would be particularly remiss, wouldn't it?

It's massive and it's right that. Yeah. It would be like Radio 4. Losing the archers to talk sport You go Red Summer, if they lose Wales, it'll be the first time to plight, it will be the first time

a pro-independence party has controlled Wales since the 13th century, which things very different back then, people worrying about affordable castles trying to get their foot on the plague ladder which bin is green for plague victims brown for leprosy

Scotland's been fun as well Because Labour, like a while ago, a long while ago Because the SMP had been in power in Scotland for so long, Labour had really, really high hopes of taking control in Scotland. But then they're now led by Anasawa Who like six months ago said that Keir Stalmers should resign Which meant he now has to go into an election Basically defending a Prime Minister

He doesn't think should be there Which has gone about as well as you would really expect it to go I think, yeah. The Lib Dems have just had yet another very, very, Lib Demy... Nothing... They'll always be at around about 12% won't they?

No matter what happens. If Ed Davy drop kick a puppy on live television, they would still be around about 12%. I'm beginning of thinking they don't exist. Any lib Dems in? There you go.

No, two. We can edit them out. Their vote, it goes up and down, but it's never anything to do with them. It's like when the other parties are popular, the Lib Dem vote goes down. and when the other parties are unpopular, the Lib Dem vote goes up. And they always remind me of like, when you see a kid in the service station

driving like one of those video games with a steering wheel, but no one's put any money in, and they just think they're in control. That's the Lib Dems. They think it's about them. It's never about them. That's the only part of our transport infrastructure that still work. I'll tell you, I think, was the big winner on the election night, was Nick Robinson, because I went to bed with him in my ear.

Oh, I'd carry that in some time. And then I woke up in the morning and he was still yapping on. He's just a mate. It's like they've lost the off switch for Nick Robinson. If we don't talk about the reformer done well, people might not unreasonably say the liberal bubble is ignoring their success. I think the way that Farad's talks is underrated as part of their selling point. It's just a rhythm, in it.

It just goes up every third word for no matter of reason. He sometimes looks like he's heading an imaginary football, right? I just think we're underestimating how much of it comes down to the way that leaders speak because if you think, you know, blah-la-la-la-d-v versus bra-p-pah-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-la-ha. It's not the most evolved satire you're going to hear in 2026, but it's fun. It's fun to do it. There was the thing, you know, where it emerged that one of his mates had given him five million quid, which, I mean, that's a secret Santa that's got out of control, isn't it?

We set a limit of a tenor in our house, I don't know about you. You know, and then it was meant to be for security. And I think it turns out he's actually spent that $5 million already on security because he was so sick of getting milkshakes chucked at him that he's been fully laminated. But in terms of this gift, which became quite a talking point in the last week of campaigning, a gift of £5 million with no strings attached, should you not treat that with the same level of scepticism

as the gift of a parachute with no strings attached? It's really important. It's not a funny point at all, but a really important one. The reason why he could do this is because it wasn't illegal because he wasn't a politician. He wasn't yet even standing for a seat. He was that going, oh, I'm not going to be an MP. Oh, I've got some money.

No, I'm going to be an MP. These two things aren't linked at all. But if he had been an elected MP and he'd got given this money and hadn't declared it, it would have been breaking the rules. But he wasn't. And you've got to think, almost no one in reform is an MP yet. They've got a few of them.

Huge numbers of people. So the question every journalist should be asking every prospective reform MP is there anyone given you five million quid or any money? Have any tie-based cryptocurrency people given you money before you stand for mayor of this town or want to be MP here?

Because, you know, if they won't answer the question, they have answered the question. Yeah, I mean, I guess on the plus side, it does open up politics to people who otherwise wouldn't be able to get into it. Because, you know, if you feel underrepresented in politics now, you don't need to protest, campaign, fundraise, or go through the tedious

administrative process of standing for election, you can just become a tie-based crypto billionaire and covertly purchase behind-the-scenes influence. I mean, that's shortly democratising the whole process. It's lovely those people are so patriotic about Britain that they will do everything except live here. Nigel Farage compared reform's performance with a sporting event. Can anyone tell me what sporting event he compared it to? Egg and spoon.

Wasn't that? UFC. No, I think that's the acronym. what a lot of people say to him. I should just to point that out, you talked about approval ratings. According to the recent UGov polling, Starmo was minus 47% approval,

and next to the five leaders was Farage on minus 39. So it's a kind of weird state politically. Is it like cricket because it takes ages and nothing happens? I wouldn't say that, Andy. No, I'm not taking that. I do know the right answer. Yes. It was the Grand National.

Correct, yes. Yeah, and I didn't understand. He said something about Beecher's Brook, and he'd already lost me by that point. So he said, if we cleared Beechers Brook, which is one of the fences in the Grand National, one of the more difficult fences, and landed well, we go on to win the Grand National.

So basically saying now reform is on course to win the next... It's not entirely how the Grand National works. I don't know what the stats are on horses who are leading... To win the Grand National, you do have to get over Beechers' Bridge's Breachers. Twice, I think. Yes, twice. Yeah, you don't just do it once. You've got to go around again.

Unless he was referring to the Grand National Ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Because you will do it once then. Right. And there is a one in two chance of winning. So maybe you meant that. I mean, they are, I suppose, yeah, you know, it has been remarkable. The shift is that we now have a five-party, six-party, have a many-party system. And it is kind of about personality.

and, you know, Farage is a big personality. Zach Polanski, very popular amongst younger voters, less so with those of us who actually remember Rick from the young ones. He is like the left-wing Farage, isn't he? But I just don't, what's the left-wing equivalent of saying, oh, he's the kind of guy you'd have a pint with? Like a pint of mead, you know, just pondsing incense in the smoking area. What is?

I think, well, people have a go at him for being a bad. hypnotist and I'm like well that's good the last thing you want is a competent hypnotist otherwise first part of political broadcasts will all be clucking like chickens you know it's weird like as we're recording this like on the morning people are tussling over the narrative and

you think if it is a comment on national politics there's been a lot with this labour of being part of being plot heavy haven't they you know we've seen things we had Rachel Reeves crying in the House of Commons I'm not personally I never judged her for that because in some ways that was the most honest thing I've ever seen in British public life

is that the Chancellor had had a look at the books and just burst into tears. It's certainly not been a great week for labour. Kirstama said on Friday morning that the results were, and I quote, like overcooked chicken nuggets in a poorly stocked pastry shop. Sorry, he said, they're very tough

and there's no sugar-coating it. Yes, so to summarise, the correct answer to the original question, the people have spoken, what have they said? The correct answer I've got written down here is a primeval yowl of confused frustration, reminiscent of a lost marathon runner in a pumpkin outfit who's got his foot stuck in a bear trap

in a forest he can't remember entering, who's trying to sing Ace of Spades by heavy metal legends motorhead to attract attention, but can't remember the lyrics, so he's just making up in noises as he goes along instead. That was the correct answer for what the people have said at this election. So we are still awaiting the full results

and the official presentation of the Strokevote 26 awards, categories such as party that has managed to completely and utterly alienates the lowest proportion of voters, most relatively non-unpopular leader, quite hotly contested, and the biggest difference between publicly defiant words and harrowingly defeated eyes. All in all, with all party leaders struggling for broad appeal and abuse of candidates surging to unprecedented levels, the country's more splits than ever. The overall picture, well, as pictures go, it's one that Jackson Pollock would have looked at and said, that's a little too messy that

stick that in a bin and start again just some breaking news reaching us actually from the elections Kirstarmer's frown has just been declared a site of special scientific interest At the end of our election rounds I'm going to

Well you've been deducted points for anti-cricot references Rules of Rules Lucy You've been doing this show long enough It's five to Jeff and Rachel Three to Lucy and Hugo Right, moving on. The Met Gala, the fashion industry's annual New York fundraiser where completely ridiculous people

where even more completely ridiculous clothes took place on Monday. But why might Amazon mega-cheese jeff Bezos, despite to being a certified gazillionaire, have heard the words, You're in trouble. God. It's a protest, wasn't it?

There's a protest because apparently they're not letting Amazon workers go for a wee. So the protest has had 200 bottles of wee, and they put it around there. problem is 200 bottles of weed does sound like a dress made by Vivian Westwood and Lady Gaga, I think she's done something like that in the past. And I always think with protesters, like, I bet when they had their little

me and they're like, that's such a good idea. And then they go, we should have drunk more tea. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was fake wee. I was surprised, because you think it's actually probably harder to get together loads of fake weed than real we. I don't know. You know, I think that if you want to protest against Jeff

Bezos, right, as an Amazon prime subscriber, I think what they should have done is not let him see any of the nice outfits until he'd watch two unskippable ads. There's four of us who subscribe. There we are, yes. That's us. The Met Ghaler, he does. I think it makes everybody a bit more right-wing, doesn't it? Because it's supposed to promote liberal values, but you watch it, and you're like, there was that one woman, she had like a one-dollar bill over her eyes, and this was to highlight the 1%. But she's worth 12 million, so she's part of the 1%. I mean, I am just sent a right, but by the end of it,

I was full Magga, I was like, build a wall. It's so aggrave. Do you see Katie Perry's one where she's sort of like got a fencing mask? And she always gets me, Katie Perry, renowned astronaut. And then she shuts it again. I think it really shows the snobbery in the world because people dress stupid at the Met Gala and it's, you know, oh, this is high fashion,

this is iconic. But then people get at the darts and they're common as much. So what would each of you wear to the Met Gala? describe and explain your outfit? I'd go as a one-man band. Just so whenever any beautiful Hollywood celebrity

wanted to speak to me, I'd just boom tish at them. Ruin every conversation. You could have a swanny whistle if anyone's got a revealing outfit. I got it wrong. I thought the Met Gala was for the Metropolitan Police. So my outfit would be considered tasteless

and offensive. I'd go to someone one's hat. I'm any little. The thing is, when you're dressed up, have you seen all these get ready with me videos? You've seen this. Girls love it, don't they want to get ready with me. This is the thing about being a 49 year old bloke, nobody wants to do to get ready with me. Because what am I going to say? Like, hi guys, today I'm deciding which one of the 17 identical polo shirts I wear. And also, whether or not I change my jeans.

They are a bit itchy, but I've got antihistamine, so I think we're good. How is your polo team doing at the moment? Ralph Lauren. Oh, smashing it, mate. Share it, mate. Share it myself. I think I'd go as something very British and keeping in the dance theme. I think I'd go as Del Boy.

Because I think it would be so baffling to Americans that they'd be like, oh my God, what is this? This is amazing. I think Anna Winter would be like, this is really something, because that's how she speaks. And I think I'd do that,

and then three days later, Kim Kardashian would be wearing a sheepskin coat. and like saying like Stick a pony in my pocket Yes indeed Now is the Anna Wintour of our discontent After the protests at the Met Gala The Champions League final

Of trying to look as absurd as possible Whilst being famous enough That no one will stop you and say You look ridiculous Disrupted by protests against involvement of Jeff Bezos King of Amazon The protest was organised by the Everyone Hates Elon Group Which recently won a court case

Against Elon Musk over the factual accuracy of their name. After a judge ruled that deep down, Elon Musk does actually hate himself. Well, the scores are now eight points all, so we're going to our tiebreak around. 100 years ago this week, the BBC broadcast

a then-record five news bulletins each day as known newspapers were published due to a general strike. But what major event did they not report? Is it the birth of our beloved David Attenborough? Correct. Nice, which so amazing. But I do think the government should have done. You know, they can put a warning out on all your phones now.

They should have done one of those to go, relax. It's because he's 100. Because I was worried. But, yeah, I love him so, so much. And he obviously could get a telegram off the king now. But to be honest, I think the king should get a telegram off him. Because he's better. I think he's awful.

Yeah, yeah. Just a terrible man. Yeah. I'm seeing how this goes down. Terrible man in every... What's to like? Yeah, he's been phoning in doing voiceover for years. You know what I admire is the bloke's to bed themselves in

in the ice for six months to film an ovulating seal. That's where... And then who gets to BAFTA? Attenborough. Imagine what that guy is thinking. Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. He recorded that in his room. He's got a studio at home.

Doesn't matter. But did you see, did you see, right before I get cancelled by all of the country? They name some species of things after him And one of them is called the Indonesian flightless weevil If I was Attenborough, I'd be like, you mugging me off I'm David Attenborough, mate I'm even famous in America Do you know what I mean?

I know, it's like they say with Nate Another one was a parasitic wasp It's like, yeah, I'll just have a voucher, thanks Yeah Well, I mean you mentioned the things that have been named after him Which of the following is not named after David Attenborough A ghost shrimp a rodent eating plant, a Welsh weed, a parasitic spider-hating fungus, or the Attenborough Wildlife Sanctuary.

Only one of those not named after David Attenborough. It feels like it might be the Attenborough Wildlife Sanctuary, is it? That's the winning point, Jeff. Yes, so David Attenborough, who's nearly 70-plus year career, has encompassed some of the world's most popular hardcore squid pornography ever broadcast. the blue planet. Damn right it was. As well as numerous animal snuff movies, stroke nature documentaries, potato, potato,

has brought up his century. Yeah, super. Super innings from Sir David, so calm as he reached three figures. We've seen so many people get out trying to bring up their hundred in a blazer glory, but Atimer was patient, just accumulated quietly,

didn't try to get to three figures too quickly and made it safely to a century, his first hundred, of course. And when he got there, He didn't over-celebrate, which suggests he's got his eye on a big one. Maybe even a double. Sorry, forget which of my jobs I'm doing it sometimes. So, at the end, after that final two-point answer from Jeff,

it's 10 to Jeff and Rachel 9 to Lucy and Hugo. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Rachel Fairburn, Jeff Norcott, Lucy Porter and Hugo Rifkin. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Mike Shepard, Cameron Loxdale, Stephanie Kemp and Angela Channel.

The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, wicked vundekins and degenerate do-gooders. It's Russell Kane here, host of evil genius, the show that takes famous faces from history and knocks them off their high horse by revealing three unfortunate facts about their life.

We shine a UV torch on the hidden evidence, then present our findings to a jury of three comedians who will decide, evil or genius? Join us as we rifle through the drawers of history, then make a mess on the carpet. Listen to evil genius first on BBC Sounds.