Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep5. Less Flags, More Bunting

Episode Date: October 10, 2025

At this week's Labour Conference, Kier Starmer warned that Britain faces a 'fork in the road'. Helping Andy Zaltzman decide which way to turn are Ian Smith, Celya AB, Hugo Rifkind and Zoe Lyons.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Cody Dahler, Eve Delaney and John Tothill Producer: Georgia Keating and James Robinson Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

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Your idea of banking that's personal happens here. RBC, ideas happen here. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltman. Don't tell anyone, but I'm in a secret laboratory trying to find a way of Frankensteining my collection of 25 million unusable surgical gowns into a giant magic pot of gold that then mysteriously disappears into thin air.

I've heard on good authority that it can be done. Let's give it a go. Oh, disappointing. I appear to have turned them into an orchestra of miniature dolphins. Welcome to the News Quiz. Hello, welcome to the Newsquist. I'm Andy Zaltzman.

It's been another week in which it's fair to say the news has not been uniformly uplifting, uplifting, a week which showed that anti-Semitism is still not in the dustbin of history where it emphatically belongs, but our two teams this week will attempt to shine some lights into the gloom. So let's meet our two teams, and as we enter a new phase in the ongoing evolving battle between human reality and artificial intelligence, we have Team Human against Team AI. On Team Human, we have Ian Smith and Celia AB and Zoe Lyons and Hugo Rifkind. And on Team AI, the new superstar AI actor who's been all over the news this week.

Welcome to the news quiz. Tilly Norwood! And to show our support for the human-based creative industries, we're going to edit out everything Tilly says for the entire show. Right, let's move on to our first question. At their conference this week, which party was in fighting? Sorry, mood. Which party was in fighting mood? Sorry, for some habits.

This would be Labour. Correct. Labour's conference this week. So I was there. Kirstarmer's speech, it went all right. Expectations were not high. One reason why they weren't high is because he's always done them so very badly in the past.

I remind you, it was this time last year when he was talking about Gaza that he said, release the sausages. But there you go. But he said basically Britain's at a fork in the road. Down one fork, there is Nigel forking Farage. And down the other, there's Kirstarmer. who is a spoon

and it's basically there are government who've been hunting for the last year for a point and now they have a point which is that we're not the other guys

which might not sound like massive progress but they have spent most of the last year going hey we basically are the other guys so it's kind of better yeah

was there any decent merch there Hugo no no the Tories are better at merch last year I actually got a Tom Tugan hat hat oh nice I think it's harder

for Stammer to have merch because nothing really rhymes with his name Kea Stama, Bodywama It's a very northern way of saying it Get a Schwama Yeah, Schwama. Kirstama Lama Farmer

He always looks like he's on the verge of tears Doesn't he, Starrammer? I think that's why people struggle To sort of have faith in anything he says You know when you really, really want a job And then you get the job And then you really, really don't want the job And then there's just a little prickling of tears

In your eyes the whole heart you're doing the job and you think this isn't the job, I thought it was going to me. It was a more combative tone where Kea Stama, he said he would fight anyone who argued that you couldn't be sort of English if you're not white.

But I think more people would like him if he did have genuine fistfights because he's so bland at the minute but I think if he started just knocking people out I'd be happy with that. I've just sort of Kea Stahmer going up to racists going, I've got two small boats for you right here. I've been in the UK for 10 years.

I'm from France originally, and I've been in the UK for 10 years, and I've only known the UK under the Conservatives. And for years and years, he was like, when Labour gets in, start in charge, it's going to be so good. Is it? You were so positive.

You had your Kea Stama body warmer in. Yeah, I did, yeah. It was kind of dominated. the conference. Well, it's dominated by two things, but one of them was the question of whether Nigel Farage is a racist, because Kirstama, just before the conference, he basically said reforms policies were racist, and he implied that Farage was a racist as well. And the thinking is he didn't mean to say that. It just kind of slipped out, because he was asked a really difficult question, which was, do you think Nigel Farage is a racist? And he just kind of went to bits.

But from then on, like the question of whether Nigel Farage was racist. So it did dominate everything. Everyone was kind of being asked about it. And some Labor Minister said yes, and some said, So David Lamy said that Nigel Farage had been a fan of the Hitler youth, which is a sort of old story based on one of Farage's old teachers saying that he sang Hitler youth songs when he was at school. And Farage denies this, although I think it's notable that he denies it not by saying, I wouldn't do that, but by saying, and this is a quote, I can't have done because I don't know the words. Well, according to Kirstama, what does Nigel Farage not believe in?

Oral hygiene. He doesn't believe in life after love. Oh, yeah. He doesn't believe in Britain, Andy. Yes, correct. He doesn't like it. He's always saying it's broken, and Kirstama doesn't like him saying it's broken. Even though Kirstama used to say it was broken as well

before he was in charge of fixing it. But now he says it isn't broken because he's in charge of fixing it. But Kirstorma really believes in Britain now, which is why they had all the flags. Like so many flags. Everyone's got a flag. There were Union flags in the audience.

There were England flags. There were Welsh flags, Scottish flags. Weirdly, no red hand of Ulster. I don't know why. It's a great time to be in the flag industry, isn't it? I mean, you've got both sides buying the flags. It's quite, you know, writing that down as a business opportunity. We had the flags up around our place recently.

In Brighton as well, which was quite distra... You know, they had the flags up the lampposts and I marveled at the sort of gymnastic ability at the racists in my town. It was quite something. Of course, every time a politician accuses another politician of not believing in Britain, somewhere in the world a bulldog dies. So according to a poll in the Times,

Stama is the least popular Prime Minister since the 70s. Is that the 70s, AD or BC? Yes, he is. But I think it's because they know that people are sort of fed up of politics. And that's why I think we have to get rid of politics as we know it. Farage is a disruptor. He's not this disruptor we want. I think the sort of disruptors we want are people who are going to get things done.

And that's why I think at the next general election, we vote in the WI. just women who've had enough, but they know how to get shit done. Doris wants successfully beat off a mugger with a handbag. She can go on defence. Margot can do education, and they'll all have a bash at bookkeeping. How hard can it be, you know? I mean, there would definitely have been more chaotic at Prime Minister.

Less flags, more bunting. That's what I want. Another question. After the Labour conference, why might there be a huge decline in people buying Willie Wonka's chocolate bars. The Home Secretary has announced plans to introduce a volunteering test for migrants applying for

indefinite leave to remain in the UK. And under the proposal, legal migrants would have to learn English to high standards, have a clean criminal record, and volunteer in their community to be granted permanent settlement status. So it takes more to be a British citizen than to be president of the United States of America.

Well, it's good to set the bar high. Yeah. It's quite scary to describe what he calls a a good citizen in the UK. All of my friends are British. I can't think of a single person that fits all three of these standards. And especially the idea of volunteering

scares me. Like, a lot of immigrants will be nurses and doctors. So that means that they'll have to go and help people for no money and then I'll have to go and volunteer. And this is where the WI would come in. My wife is Dutch.

Farage's wife is German, isn't she? so maybe it's just a sort of convoluted way of getting rid of unwanted spouses. You haven't done enough for the Rotary Club, you're off. I mean, it literally is a way of getting rid of unwanted spouses because it's like the golden ticket they're talking about, which I think is your Willy Wonka reference. It's about basically refugees being able to bring in their families as well,

which would have been devastating for Willy Wonka because of that and been able to happen, there'd have only been one umpalumpa. So in terms of this so-called good citizenship test, If you were designing it, what would you put in it? Well, it's interesting to me, because to me, Britishness isn't about being good. It's not.

Like, I think you actually have a hatred for people who are very good. I think that Britishness to me is about how many people can you topple over at Houston Station to make your train. Ian, what would you put in the citizenship test? I guess I would ask people, what is the smallest garden they're willing to have their own fireworks display? I think that's the true sign of Britishness when maybe someone, you know, seeking asylum

would look at some of our sort of terrace gardens and go, there's no way it would be safe to have a firework displaying that. And that is simply not the attitude we want in this country. Do you know that when you do British citizenship, it costs £1,700 plus £130,000 ceremony fee. You have to pay for your own little tiny wedding. And I was like, can you wave the ceremony?

No. That means that there's a couple of guys. Their whole job is to be like, you're British! And they get paid, £130. I want that job. What at the Labour conference,

what did Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, pledged to get rid of? Kea Starmer. Not the answer I've got written down here. That's the two-child benefit cab. Yes, correct. Yes.

Which would be good merch. No, she says she's going to get rid of the two-child benefit cap as soon as she's able, which, given she's Chancellor, is like kind of now, isn't it? Yeah, the cap was brought in under the Conservative government, thus far retained by Labour, but has been previously criticised by its opponents as cruel, but praised by its supporters, as cruel.

Starrma's premiership has thus far, domestically at least, had all the bounce and vigour of an inflatable warrus in a porcupine enclosure. But he did at the conference try to be a little bit clear about what he will do if he ever gets into power. Labor's also announced that immigrants will have to pass a good citizenship test to stay long term in the country if they cannot show a clean criminal record, a selfless commitment to improve British society and prove that they're not taking any money they've

not earned. They may be forced to take a seat in the House of Lords. The test will be carried out with this new piece of kit. Britometer 3,000 X. It scans your body, mind and soul for signs of good citizenry. I'll just test it out on myself. Deport, deport, deport.

Obviously, forgot to wear my Queen Victoria underpants. So, at the end of that round, the scores are six to team human and noughts to team AI. All right, we're going to have a food round now. as Shakespeare once wrote, if music be the food of love, then it's not offside,

and that was not a foul. He shortened it down to play on. We have our food question. What deal has finally been dealt with? Oh, is this a ban on two-for-one offers for nasty food? Correct. Okay, yes. I'm really unhappy about this.

I've got a very sweet tooth, and they're banning two-for-ones on, like, chocolate bars, that's all the Twix is. Ken, I'm just going to advise all the children of the UK if you can't afford the sweets anymore and you'll go really, really hungry, I would recommend picking up smoking. Apparently, crumpets are judged as junk food as well.

That got me. Crumpets. That had me out waving my flag. Not the crumpets! I'm never clear on the difference between a crumpet and a muffin. Discuss. So a crumpet is like a...

I'm not saying what's better. I'm just saying I don't know which is which. So if a muffin is still, a crumpet is sparkling. Right. I think you've just failed your citizenship test. It's crazy the amount of butter you put on a crumpet, really, isn't it? Oh, that one's the crumpet? Yeah.

A crumpet is just a butter receptacle. It's just a delicious butter receptacle. So what is a muffin? Useless. It just falls off a muffin. Do you know? A muffin's an Americanised crumpet that doesn't know who it is.

A muffin is a crumpet having an identity crisis. A muffin is a crumpet that'll never make it. They can sod off. Who said patriotism is dead? This question features a comedian's name. You have to expand that comedian's name

to make a headline from the commercial fishing world this week. So your comedian is, Lee Mack. Can you expand that to make a headline related to commercial fishing? Um, what fish sounds like Lee? No, it's Macrol, isn't it? Yes. Macroles go in. It's too popular.

We all know the phrase. Once you go mackerel, you never go backroll. Um, yeah, Macro's. too popular and now there's not a lot of mackerel left. Yep. Hence the headline, leave more mackerel in the sea, say scientists. The fishing industry disputes the findings, claiming the data it's based on, is not reliable, but a spokesfish for the mackerel community was quoted as saying, this research is absolutely bang on.

In fact, we'd maybe go so far as suggesting a 100% cut in mackerel fishing. We're honestly not that tasty, nowhere near us worth eating as, for example, sharks and pelicans. Please ignore the fact that sharks and pelicans are the natural predators of mackerel. That's incidental. just think they cook up lovely with some garlic and spices. Yum, yum, shark and pelican pie. Can't beat it. Have you got a spare cigarette, mate?

I could do with a smoke. Now, it can be hard sometimes to remember that humans have in fact advanced and evolved over time. But according to the new research, our progress was originally slowed down by which rival species cheating in the evolutionary race by tucking into some human carpachio.

It's leopards. Leopards, correct. It's the argument that we're still on top of. of the food chain. Yeah. I would argue that with, like, me against the leopard, I'm at the bottom of that chain. Right.

Like, I wouldn't eat a leopard. That's very restrained of you. I wouldn't. But, like, I don't think we can say we're on top of them if right now I'm scared of them hearing me speak about them. Yeah, I think even, and I think this would make a great show. Put one leopard in the radio theater. Yeah.

I don't think anyone's feeling confident with that situation. I've always thought they should have one on a naked attraction. A leopard? A leopard. Just throw one in. You'd have to shave the leopard. So it's fair. Nobody wants to see a landing strip on the leopard, too. But there is a Wikipedia entry on leopard attacks of humans,

and it literally begins. The first line of it is the frequency of leopard attacks on humans varies by geographical region. It's like, yeah, no shit, guys. Pretty rare in Croydon. Well, that concludes

our food round on the scores now 10 to team human and zero to team AI. Let's move on some world news. Now, in the words of the late Bruce Forsyth, the points make, prizes. But who thinks his 20 points means that he deserves what prize?

Well, yeah, this is Donald Trump. Correct. Trying desperately to get the Nobel Peace Prize with his 20-point plan. You're not going to get through 20 points. I don't think. You've got to keep it briefer. I think really if you want peace,

you need to have a peace document that just has that thing where you scroll and just press accept at the end. I don't think I've ever read it. Any document that I've had to sign, so I think if I was Hamas, I was a big if.

Big if, yeah. I'd probably just get something like that and go, yeah, yeah, yeah, accept. But I guess that's why they don't have me in charge. I think the world would be a better place if you ran Hamas, Ian. I don't think I'm going on a limb when I say that. What a curveball that would be. My theory is that he's trying to write another list to change the SEO. When you look up Donald Trump list on Google,

So that Epstein is not the first thing One of the points is Tony Blair Is this? Tony Blair is going to be in charge of the Middle East Board of Peace which I mean given his track record Waterboard of Peace more like But it's the best Trump peace plan there's been so far Literally no casinos involved So far but there's lots of weird stuff happening in America at the moment

Did you see the Pete Hexeth talking to the military He said he's the military guy He's the Secretary for War now because they changed it because part of Donald Trump's plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize is to rename the Defence Department the War Department

because he's a moron watching Netanyahu and Trump trying to negotiate a peace deal of two the weirdest people on the earth and his use of language and his stumbling use of language it's like watching a rhino trying to crochet a doily

you know it's never going to happen but you can't take your eyes Raise off it. Well, with typical understatement, Trump described the unveiling of his detailed, light, stumbling, block-heavy plan as potentially one of the greatest watts. He said he was one of the greatest days

in this history of civilisation. Yeah. He's clearly forgetting about the invention of the Breville Toasty Maker. Well, I mean, they have got a lot of people to sign up to it. You know, like everyone else in the Middle East has signed up to it.

The only people who haven't signed up to it is Hamas. but they're, you know, they've probably learned not to answer their phones. Yes, the, well, the Middle East, according to Donald Trump, is set now for eternal peace. Woo. A few people in favour? Part of a few people seemingly ambivalent here. It's a 20-point plan co-concocted by American Wizard King and freestyle improv despot Donald Trump

and Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israel Prime Minister and multi-generational intractable resentment-fustering fan. If it comes off, then that will be great. Unfortunately, it is a big enough, if to be seen with a naked eye from space. but it's good that Trump took some time out to try and sort out this mess from more pressing concerns in his life such as slagging off his own military leaders to their faces, whilst also rambling

incoherently about how dangerous stares are for old people. I wish I was making that up. Also, he's declared de facto civil war on his own cities. He's tweeted racist AI videos of his political opponents. I wish I was making that up as well.

And also played it on a loop to a room full of journalists. How have we become what we've become come but could this be the turning point in Trump's efforts to broker a peace deal and win himself a Nobel Prize efforts which have been undermined by for example him previously suggesting that Gaza is turning into a luxury holiday resort and all its people bunted out somewhere else or him suggesting this week that if Hamas does not agree to the deal then Netanyahu is free to unleash even further mayhem I don't know what the odds are on the Nobel Peace Prize who'd give

it to him right now well I mean that's not a definite no um right at the end of that round is now 12 points to nil to team human. As we move into our health round, our panel have to explain how this week, VIP and PPE became IOU and FFS. Go on do that. This is Michelle Mone. Correct.

Michelle Mone has to pay back £122 million because during COVID, company linked to her, run by her husband, which she'd introduced in the VIP lane to the health department, to the government, provided all kinds of PPE equipment for nurses and doctors so they would not die, and it didn't work at all, and none of it could be used. It was meant to be sterile, and all the stuff that was tested over two-thirds was not sterile.

Really, really weird sentence about this in the Daily Mail. I think a lot of people missed, otherwise there'd be more fuss about it. It said, among the contaminants found on the gowns was an organism only discovered in 2017, and originating from a trench more than five miles beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, north of New Guinea. Very odd. I mean, like... And you're trying to imagine what on earth this sort of gruesome, deep-sea creature actually was,

and whether it was her husband, Doug Bannerman. It was really, really weird, though. It's a really, really weird thing that, you know, I mean, in amongst all the sort of corruption, I'm just wondering how the hell they managed to get bacteria from a deep-sea trench onto the gowns that they wanted nurses to wear in hospitals. They might as well made them out of the action.

Actual wings of the bats from the COVID cave, you know, really peculiar. But yeah, Michelle Mone is your answer. Correct. There you go. She's complained, doesn't she, about Rachel Reeves? It's a witch hunt. It's a witch hunt, yeah. Rachel Reeves has endangered her life.

And you think, no, what you endangered was all of the staff working through a COVID crisis using a poor PPE. Pay it back, you big titty. But, yeah, she claims it's now a witch hunt and that people are out to get her. Too bloody right. It's our bloody money. Give it back. Get off your boat and give it back.

She says she's a scapegoat. A scapegoat for the thing she did. Escape... How can you be your own scapegoat? She said, why is P.P. Medra, the only company being taken to cart, which isn't really defending yourself by just going, why is it just us?

There's loads of criminals. Yeah. She also said, this is nothing less than an establishment win for the government. It's a classic having a go at the Working Man and their 122 million PPE deals. Making herself as a victim here. There was quite a lot of similar deals. We made quite a lot of bad purchases.

I mean, what's the least good value purchase you've ever made? On the 1st of January 2025, I bought happy. 2025 glasses. Right. Like the day after at like 3pm. Well, you can use them for the rest of the year. Every day? They're not prescription. Right. Oh, that's okay.

I made some very bad investments. During lockdown, I sort of saw how popular Terry's chocolate orange was. And I put a lot of my money into some other startups. None of these worked out. Michael's white chocolate cum quots. Jeremy's Fudge Apples, Margaret's Honeycomb, Dragon Fruit and, yeah, they've all done quite badly.

So what's your least good value purchase if you've ever made? A multi-pack of two-for-one crumpets. Yes, well, this was the scandal over the £122 million pandemic case against Michelle Mone's company of a faulty PPE. Was it cronyism?

Well, as the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and is wearing a proud to be a duck t-shirt and has a duck pond as its postal address. And when you ask it for recipe suggestion, saying I've got some Chinese pancakes, plum sauce, spring onions and cucumber, any ideas. It claims it's not really into foreign food. Then it's probably a duck. Mona's admitted lying to the media, which he described as not a crime, which is true. Indeed, it's a fundamental to our democratic freedom of the ability of politicians to lie to the public.

otherwise the whole effifice would collapse. So in the grand scheme of things, nine billion pounds was spent on PPE that was either substandard defective past its use by date or dramatically overpriced. So in the grand scheme of things, $122 million is just a bit of the ocean in the ocean. Okay, our final health question.

Well, this is an incredible medical breakthroughs. Some amazing medical breakthroughs in recent times. Gene therapy treatment for Huntington's disease, human embryos created from eggs implanted with DNA from skin cells and the discovery that American golf fans can have their harrowing symptoms cured at least temporarily by losing.

But why have one group of scientists been navel-gazing and what did they discover whilst doing so, anyone? Apparently they've worked out why any belly buttons or any belly buttons. Yeah, they've worked it out somehow.

I just thought it was down to the sort of knotting system that they used on the day. You know, like a balloon. It depended on who did it Like, you know, Margot's got a very heavy hand When it comes to the belly buttons You know They've all got outies

After Margot's had a bash on it You know Can I just check that everyone's nipples are arties Tops off everyone Well, yes, scientists have discovered An abdominal structure called the umbilical sheath Apparently the sheath only anchors the remnants of your umbilical cord. Remnants? I've still got all of mine.

Is that not normal? And just some breaking news reaching us, Donald Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy have announced that outy belly buttons are caused by pregnant women drinking herbal tea. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz and the final scores are 15 points to team human and zero to team AI.

And some news just reaching us. A new research has shown that the average fax checker is now working an average of 25 hours per day. I tried to have that verified, but they were all busy. Thank very much for listening to the news quiz. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz, where Hugo Rifkin, Celia, AB, Ian Smith,

Zoe Lyons and Tilly Norwood. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Cody Darla, Eve Delaney, John Tochtill, and everyone whose work was thieved and reprocessed in the creation of Tilly Norwood. The producer was Georgia Keating,

and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm Brian Cox. I'm Robin Inns, and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage. We have our 201st extravaganza, where we're going to talk about how animals in moat went around trains and tunnels or something like that, I'm not entirely sure. We're doing one on potatoes.

Of course we're doing one on potatoes. You love potatoes. I know, but... Yeah, you love chips, you love mash. I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it. We've got techno fossils, moths versus butterflies, and a history of light. That'll do, won't it? Listen first on BBC Sounds.