Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz Ep5. Starmer psychodrama

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

What a week it's been for the Prime Minister. In the aftermath of seismic local elections results, there's been non-stop Labour party in-fighting. Wes Streeting has resigned as Health Secretary so the race for Labour leader is seemingly on - who will throw their hat in the ring? Will Andy Burnham, i.e. the King of the North, make his move? In other news, the panel discuss Trump's state visit to China and why the Royal Navy has to redesign women's uniforms over 'inappropriately placed' buttons.Helping Andy make sense of it all this week is Nish Kumar, Ian Smith, Katy Balls and Mhairi Black.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Alex Kealy, Ruth Husko and Claire Rammelkamp Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Recorded by David ThomasA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, welcome to the news quit. Quiz, sorry, you know how it is one of words been on your mind. I'm Andy Zaltman. Let's get cracking. We've got a plot to get a lot to get through this week. We have team. There's still time to turn this ship around against team captain. This ship is already a submarine. On Team ship, we have Mary Black and Ian Smith. Team submarine Nish Kumar and back on the correct side of the Atlantic

for one week only, the Times-Washington correspondent, Katie Balls. Any one of whom could be Prime Minister by the time you hear this show. In fact, Katie, your visit back to these shores is suspiciously timed all that fun. For our first question in this week's At the Time of Recording Special, go to Nish and Katie. Who could soon be going? Who has left and who could be back? I guess who could be going is Kea Stama. I mean, could be is a huge, huge thing to say at the moment as we record on Thursday,

night. The person who is definitely going is West Streeting. So West Streeting is quit as Health Secretary but he said that he's not mounting a direct challenge. So the Guardian is reporting that the fact that he's not challenging Starmor immediately suggested he does not have the requisite 81 MPs to mount

a challenge directly. And listen, I rarely speak for this country but I think I can when I say thank God. The issue I have with West Streeting is one of the key problems that Keerstamber has had in the last few months is that there's this idea of his association with Peter Mandelson

and his decision to employ Peter Mandelson as the ambassador to America. Now that was obviously contentious because Peter Mandelson, and this is a term I've had legally cleared, was pedophile adjacent. That's technically a legally clearable term because he was photographed on several occasions next to Jeffrey Epstein, therefore he was literally adjacent to a pedophile, right? And so that's obviously been a huge problem for Keer Starmer.

So it makes no sense to then replace Kirstarmer with the only person closer to Peter Mandelson in the government, a man who's so close to Peter Mandelson that he had to release his own WhatsApp messages, which never happens because something good is going on. The only time someone releases their WhatsApp messages is when a husband's being accused of adultery and goes, fine, read my phone and see, there's nothing going on.

You're paranoid, you're crazy cow. And what I have to believe for this country is, as much as we've been through a lot and we have low expectations for ourselves is we have to believe that we deserve more than a Prime Minister who is paedophile adjacent, adjacent. So, Katie, you went to America where we tend to look upon things as being quite chaotic,

and you've come back here, and now this. Are you claiming responsibility for the mayhem unfolding before us? Yeah, I was looking for the chaos when I went to America, and then I started to get a slight concern that I was in the wrong place. So it's here the past week. But I think what we've had is a very slow almost coup this week where everyone seems to know they want to go after Kirstarmer

or they're not happy of him, but no one has quite been willing to do the firing starter shop because they're all worried. And I think Westreting is one of them that if they do, they're going to be blamed that they will not get to wear the crown. And therefore, every day has been a slight kind of everyone's staring and saying, well, you resign, then I'll resign, but I don't trust you to resign. So I think we have almost, you know,

the Downing Street version or traitors playing out. So whoever ends up Prime Minister, fundamentally, there's still a shite bag. Unless they're faithful. Vote Alan Carr. I mean, you just can't rule anything else these days. And who is going to be coming back, it seems? Oh, well.

At the time of recording, Josh Simons is standing aside from the constituency that we've all heard of, Makerfield. I only found out that Makerfield isn't a place, it's a suffix. So it's for Ashton and Makerfield and Inson Makerfield.

I've done the research on Wikipedia. Ashton in Makerfield is known as the Centre for the Manufacture of Locks and Hinges. so it would be ironic of Andy Burnham comes back and still can't get in but yeah Andy Burnham is planning on coming back if he can win a by-election

if he gets allowed him by the NEC if he loses a by-election it's funny I'm not saying that's what I want to happen but it's objectively funny that's the best we can really aim for at the minute just to be objectively funny Is that his strength as a candidate, Marie, is the fact that he's not been in Westminster,

is this where we are now that actually that's a strength or other than a weakness? I mean, well, it should be your strength, but it seems a bit bizarre to be spending your entire career going, I don't want to be. In fact, that sounds like me. I don't want to be in Westminster, but let me come back and join the whole sphere. So, no, I'm not.

I'm not convinced that it'll happen any time soon. It's just, it's a great reality show at the minute. That's what it feels like. You know, we're just watching this love is blind play out except it's like, not love. Hate is blind. That's a much better show. Well, I mean, West Streeting in his resignation letter said,

where we need vision, we have a vacuum, where we need direction, we have drift. I mean, just something to pick up on that. You know, vision and direction. Do you necessarily want, I mean, this trust had both vision, and direction. The problems were what she was seeing

and where she was going. When Stama came in, we'd have the chaos of Truss and Boris Johnson before that. Well, lots of people when they came in was saying, you know, the adults were back in the room and we're going to have a very stable period of government. I'm going to go

back to debating policy. And when I left about a year ago to go to America, it wasn't looking great for Kirstama, but it hadn't unraveled in the way it has since. it's its own version of psychodrama. So, I mean, it is in some ways, it has all these parallels with the Boris Johnson story.

Now, Boris Johnson, it was party gay, Kirstama, it's Peter Mandelson, and then I think just the sense that everyone is just worn out and now no one wants to get behind him. And this is obviously the Labor government which made so much of we're going to clear up the sleaze. And I think now every kind of five minutes you can see people digging up these tweets

of what West Streeting, Kirstama, Angela Rainer was saying as they were pushing out Boris Johnson over Partygate. And of course the Tories are enjoying it back too, but perhaps we'll just keep going in full circle because it probably shouldn't be lost on us if Kirstama does go. I mean, how many prime ministers in about seven years, it might also be some problems of the country?

Well, look, we can't start blaming ourselves. Sure. Out of the sort of current front runners that we've talked a bit about, who would you personally like to see take over as Prime Minister? Well, I want it to be a woman, right? Because I need to have at least one female Prime Minister that I can root for.

Because, I mean, you had Theresa May with her hostile environment. You had Liz Truss, being Liz Truss. And I'm sure that Margaret Thatcher was looking up at both of them and thinking, you go girls. No, well, I'm ready for somebody like Claudia Winkker. woman. She's

used to working with traitors. She, under the right circumstances, she's okay with murder. You know, I'm like, here she's got a good CV for it. Her or Miriam Margulies just for the chaos. Ian, who would you

like to please take over? Have I got to have anyone? Well, I guess Mr. Blubby for stability. Just to sort of get things going a bit. Or, um, if you really want to double down on your choices, let's give it to Peter Mandelson.

Let's refuse to let people, you know, get us down. You're going, no, you know what? He's all right. I'll do it. In many ways, a combination of our last two prime ministers. Like Starma, I'm profoundly unpopular with the British public. And like Rishie Sunak, I'm an undertalented, over-promoted brown man.

Yes, well, it's, uh, Summarize that. The Prime Minister is clinging to power after a showdown meeting with Wes Streeting on Wednesday morning. It was described as a crunch meeting. The kind of crunch meeting you might have alone in a deserted river with a crocodile. Streeting left Downing Street after just 17 minutes, which suggests there were four three-minute rounds under the Queensbury rules after a streeting resigned Starma came out fighting like a supermarket trolley and a canal. He's still just about visible above the water, but you wouldn't necessarily expect it still to be so by Monday.

So this is all in the context of the election results from last week, which, it's fair to say, did not go particularly well for Labour. In terms of the Scottish election result, the S&P leader, John Swinney, said after the SMP's victory that Scotland needs to make sure its parliament is protected from what? The English. It was Farage, wasn't it? Yes.

Nigel Farage. Yes. No, the Scottish elections, I'm just hung up on the fact that it was a daytime count because not only it was at daytime, but they also cut out the channel halfway through, so you had to scour about on the internet. But there was one of my old colleagues, Angus Robertson, he lost his seat,

and when he was standing on the stage, beside him, there was a person dressed as a gannet. like the bird and this is what I mean that hits different at 4 in the afternoon whereas at 4 in the morning you're like this is the best and you're like

WrestleMania's taking a turn you know it's It would be funny to see someone dressed as a Gannett like as a jerk candidate win and just take the head off and go no no no no no I've got no no

all my policies all my policies all your chips how well have I done this It's all fun in games till the mask comes off, and it's Wes Streeting. I don't like the idea of combining our general election coverage with the masked singer. At the end of every count, off, off, off. But of course in Scotland, we also had two trans MSPs have now been elected. And, I mean, of course, that's great, it's progressive.

It's such a horrible time for a minority. But the thing that's really the cherry on top for me is that J.K. Rowler, and is now represented by a trans MSP. That's brilliant. And in terms of the state of Scotland, so the SNP won but with a sort of lower vote share, how do you see the sort of independence movement at the moment? Well, it's still got a pro-independence majority.

The Greens did better than they've ever done, because they're actually on the same number of seats as reform at the minute. So, because the other thing that people don't realise is that the Scottish Parliament is actually designed to prevent a majority. It's got a mixed system where half of it's proportional. So it's more democratic, but it's also insufferable when you want to stop idiots getting in the Parliament. But no, I think it's definitely still on the agenda.

Absolutely. It's not going anywhere. So it's designed to foster collaboration and cooperation? It's supposed to. That's weird, isn't it? How's supposed to work in politics? It's kind of like if you tried to feel. siblings who hate each other to actually sort out a funeral. That's the sort of atmosphere that's in the Scottish Parliament.

Sounds like you're pitching for a new reality show there. Well, Labour managed to lose Wales, Nish, which, I mean, that's... Yeah, it's a stodishing phrase, because it suggests Keir Stavra somehow managed to leave a whole country down the back of a fridge. Welsh Labour was... It's one of the most successful political parties in the world, right? Because it's been the single largest party in the Senate since devolution. And now that streak is over. And I think Starm has got to flip the narrative here and call himself a history maker.

You know, not all history makers are positive. Hitler. Do you think, Kate, as politics in the UK just completely fractured, do we sort of the results from those, like, if you, if we have that in a general election, with, you know, the biggest party getting about 25%. We've got a system that barely functioned when there were two parties that commanded almost the whole vote. How will it cope with, you know, five or including the SNP

and Plycomrie's seven parties splitting everything? Well, it starts to get potentially very messy, particularly if it's quite slight when you're in our first-pass-the-post system. We have had that refrain of the two-party system is broken. I think the question now being asked in Westminster is, is it actually broken this time? Because how people vote in locals doesn't always represent what they're going to do

in a general election when you might want to say you want to stop Farage, you want to stop the Greens and that kind of sense. But certainly I think all the signs are there for a pretty dysfunctional parliament the next time around if there's no majority. But then again if we've had a majority that was pretty big and it was still quite

dysfunctional. The Greens leaders, Zach Polanski, faced criticism this week for failing to do what on his boat, anyone? Raise the flag of the Jolly Roger. It was paid council tax, right? Yes, correct. Listen, obviously this is serious.

Anytime a political leader is not paying tax, that's always serious. But let's just all take a quick second to say, this is the funniest possible scandal to happen to the leader of a green party. Not paying your council tax on a narrow boat. It's like a heartbeat away from Zach Polanski getting rumbled for putting cardboard recycling in his compost bin.

It was slightly larger sum of money involved with Nigel Farage, facing a parliamentary inquiry for the five million pound gift. What do you see is, which do you think technically is a bigger sum, five million pounds or Zach Polanski's unpaid count for time? Well, I'll tell you what I see with this. It's more nonsense from the biased Bolshevik Corporation. How dare you? How dare you?

Judge Nigel Farage based on the things that he's done with this tide of woke nonsense just because Nigel Farage got five million pounds that's from his friend that's what friends do how do you think I got this gig on the news quiz I sculpted a statue of Andy Zaltzman

out of Manchego because I know Zoltzman loves two things statues of himself and cheese the man loves cheese so much if he sends you a text listing the things he's eaten in that day you can get gout in your eyes. I do have both of those things in my house at the moment. Cheese and a statue of my son.

The context of that, my dad was a sculptor, and he sculpted me when I was seven. I think the thing with this Niger Farage story is he does seem to be changing his tunes slightly. So when it first came out, he hasn't seemed as though he wants to particularly talk about, number one. But it was the idea that this was all for his security, so five million on security.

and he obviously didn't declare it because he wasn't an MP at the time. It's now being looked into by Parliament, but he's since given an interview where he said it was for security, but it was also a well-done gift for delivering Brexit. Right. So those two are quite different things, aren't they? Technically, in terms of the meaning of words, they seem to be. Your gift is security. I mean, you could argue that the milkshake was also a gift.

He definitely declared that. I guess, Ian, you know, let he who has never been given five million pounds by a Thai-based crypto billionaire and immediately bought a new house cast the first stone. So, you need to cut him some slack, do you think? Yeah, well, I've been in a similar situation, really. I guess the reason why it's very clear it's suspicious is that the Conservatives have also lodged a complaint about it.

And when you're getting a gift that the conservatives are like, this don't feel right? There was a quote from a Conservative Party spokesperson said, $5 million is an enormous amount more than most people will earn in a lifetime. I imagine before adding, not in our party. Most of you lot. He also said, I can't be bought by anybody, which didn't used to be true when he still had his cameo.

for about 80 quid. He would say whatever he wanted. Please, he's getting good money for it now. He's real answer you could get more than 80 quid. He's got a 5 million. 5 million quid per cameo. I've got to get on that thing, man. Well, at the end of that round,

the scores are 6 points all. We have special bonus questions this week in which teams can double their points for each round. Nish and Katie. I'll give you the first choice of category. The categories you can have are immorial. Mortality, pot holes or nipples.

Pot holes. Pot holes. How this week did a Somerset-based lorry guarantee itself in nomination in the 2026 metaphor for the State of the Nation of the Year award? So this is a truck that had been called out with stuff in it that they needed to fix pot holes? Yeah. It got stuck in a pot-hoff. Yeah, I mean, it does seem to say quite a lot. about where we are, isn't that? I mean, could

anything encapsulate Britain in 2026 more than a lorry sent to fix a pothole at a 45 degree angle in a pothole? Also, the name of the company is stabilized pavements. So the photo is just a truck that says

stabilized pavements at an angle that a truck should not be at. They sent a breakdown lorry to get it. It broke down. To be feel that that's a stabilised pavements, not the road. If we're going to go true, British, let's be pedantic about it.

I think they should monetise it and rebrand it as the leaning lorry of Walton. Yes, if the current cross and crumbly state of the UK needed a new poster vehicle, it got one this week when a lorry centre repair potholes in Somerset got stuck in a pothole. Thus, I suppose, filling it. Job done, job done. Let's move on. now to our American round. Who got out their

fanciest China this week? The Chinese? Yes, correct, yes. To welcome Donald Trump. His first trip of his second time to China, he also went in his first time. Or China. And they really went...

I mean, he loves a pageant. He loves over-the-top ostentation, and they really played that card hard, didn't they? They went for... for it. Yeah. The Chinese a big state banquet but also military to welcome him. We know that Donald Trump likes the military.

He did try last year to have a military parade around the time of his birthday, which was inspired by the military parades you get in China, in Russia, but the Americans didn't quite get it right because all the soldiers were smiling. Which is not what you're meant

to do. These are obviously like massively important talks. There's a lot going on. The States Taiwan, America's trading relationship with China, various issues around AI development. And it's good in that situation to not over-prepared. So the night before he went, he posted on social media 50 times in three hours. And the posts were not, I am revising very hard. The posts ranged from more conspiracy theories about the 2020 election,

sort of accusing Barack Obama of treason, a photoshopped image of Donald Trump on the $100 bill. Somebody's got to turn the White House Wi-Fi off after 10 p.m. Yes, so the meeting between President Xi and Trump, if you were a fly on the wall at that meeting, whose sandwich would you vomit on first? It's quite a tough call, isn't it?

It's one of your own. more surreal questions. The Chinese president questioned whether the US and China can transcend the Fusisodes trap. And I just thought, that's what I've been thinking for a long time.

Can they transcend the Fusisodes trip? It's one of those things where I've been interested in the Fusisides trap for a long time. And you might be thinking to yourself, Ian, have you had to write that

phonetically on your notes. But yeah, just can they transcend it though? I think you've fallen into the trap. Oh. Am I a foo-sididies trap? Is it Thu or foo? Thu. The Thucydides trap, is it?

Right. Now, imagine if I was someone that didn't know what that was. I do obviously know what that thing is. Well, I certainly do, and I wouldn't want to patronise anyone by saying what it is. The Thucydides trap is a political theory stating that when a rising power threatens to displace and establish ruling power, the resulting structural stress makes violent conflict the rule rather than the exception.

There we go. Another thing I've understood. So the scores are now 12 to Nish and KT, 9 to Ian and Mary, but you have a chance to double your points with your bonus question. So the two topics left are immolence. Mortality or nipples, the big two. Which are any going to go for? Yeah, nipples, please. Yeah, okay.

The Royal Navy is set to redesign some of its uniforms because what look too like nipples. The button placement. Yes, buttons. The buttons are like directly over where the nipples would be. Yes. And I believe the exact phrasing of the complaint is, looks like we've got robot nips.

Big of that whole robot next. That was the exact terminology used. And it's going to cost us money, apparently. Yeah, 200,000, let's talk it up, 200 million pounds to the Royal Navy to redesign these female officers' uniforms. I mean, when people talk about us, Brits being buttoned up about sex,

I think this story proves it quite literally. Couldn't they try and style it out and say that those are protectors for the nipples against bullets. You've got to protect the teats, guys. We've got to get the teats and taints covered. First time that phrase has appeared on Radio 4 for a while. Is it right that it was...

So I read that it was like Princess Anne. Was Princess Anne complaining? Or have they just used Princess Anne as a sort of focal point for... Like, I guess basically to men reading the story. But, you know, nipples, you know women. Here's one. He is a famous person that we can't imagine a story

about buttons being in an inappropriate place unless we have a sort of famous so we've just been looking at pictures of Princess Anne in a uniform and going, oh right, that's where her nipples are, I guess. And as you get older, the buttons get lower. The Navy said it was a positive step for women and the majority of the cost of the new jackets

would be offset by reducing the number of units, uniforms issued in future. Isn't that worse? Are all our Royal Navy servicemen and women are going to have to prance around jacketless, nipples a kimbo? What is this country coming to?

I think instead of like uniforms or camouflage, they should make their uniforms out of the stuff you do magic eye puzzles with. So then the enemy would get so distracted because they'd be like, if you just squint, eh, and they...

Now, what are you saying? They're all discussing that. We've shot them all in a classic Thucydides trap. The Royal Navy is reportedly set to spend 200,000 pounds, redesigning some uniforms because the buttons look like nipples, kind of, if your nipples are made of brass, and you've got eight of them.

So, our final scores, it's 15 to Ian and Mary, and 12 to Nish and Katie. Our winners this week, Get free membership of the Keir Starma Fan Club. You're going to... Ian and Mary, you'll have to decide between you who's president and who's vice president.

Until next week, thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Mary Black, Ian Smith, Katie Balls and Nish Kumar. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Ruth Husko, Alex Keely and Claire Ramal Camp. The producer was Georgia Keating,

and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute? Belting out a rendition of Godabat. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Birch, Paul Merton, and many more for the new series of just a minute with me, Super Kids.

It's funny because it's true. Listen on Radio 4. And the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.