Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep5. Tariffs, Tabloids and Typewriters

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

On The News Quiz this week, Andy Zaltzman is joined by Ayesha Hazarika, Susie McCabe, Geoff Norcott and Pierre Novellie to discuss Britain's attempts to court the US and the EU, Trump's tariff turmoil, new report cards from Ofsted, and Starmer's uncovered voice coaching.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Jade Gebbie, Alex Kealy, Christina Riggs and Stuart McPherson. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello. I am Andy Zoltzman. In an effort to come up with a headline more ridiculous than what we've been seeing in the news this week, I've hired a secret aircraft hanger full of an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters. Maybe not the best use of your license fee, but they have been worse. To help them along, we've been plying them with absinthe and psychotropic bananas. Let's see what headlines they've come up with. Free dolphins for pensioners' scheme to reduce travel time between Scotland and Canada. Just not as ridiculous as what we've been seeing.

Shakespeare to be reincarnated as erotic game show host. I can see that happening. And government commits £8 trillion to Norfolk Volcano Project. I want to see that happening. So, sadly, nothing even close to as ridiculous as reality yet. We'll let the monkeys keep going through the show. In the meantime, welcome to this week's News Quiz. APPLAUSE Hello, welcome to the rampant buffoonery of the human speech,

sorry, News Quiz. And our team this week, as the BBC launches its new Jane Austen drama, in the year the celebrity Hampshire and England novelist turns 250, pay tribute to both Austen and to the character and actions of the American president. We have Team Pride against Team Prejudice. LAUGHTER On Team Pride, we have Jeff Norcott and Aisha Hazarika. APPLAUSE

And on Team Prejudice, we have Pierre Novelli and Suzy McCabe. APPLAUSE Our first question can go to Jeff and Ayesha. A long-term ownership position. That is Donald Trump's stated goal for what? His wife? LAUGHTER Er, the Supreme Court. Is Gaza. Correct. Yeah. This one was a bit of a curveball from Donald. I think I get it. I'm here. I like to provide balance

where I can but I'm going to say it. This one, I'm not sure it's an entirely wise thing to say. It was surprising. Maybe he just saw those free Palestine stickers and he thought, that sounds like a good deal. LAUGHTER I think he thinks the Gaza strip is a gentleman's club in Las Vegas. LAUGHTER I mean, what's incredible

is that he clearly just doesn't really understand what's sort of going on. But everybody's got to pretend to suck up to him at the moment. So I was speaking to somebody who's kind of quite what's sort of going on. But everybody's got to pretend to suck up to him at the moment. So I was speaking to somebody who's kind of quite a senior sort of diplomatic person. They were trying to put a positive spin on it. And they were like, the thing with Donald Trump is

sometimes he'll say something like really harsh in order to negotiate. So this is a bit like saying, I'm going to kill you, but maybe at the end of the day, he'll only kneecap you and you'll be really grateful to be kneecapped. I think we sort of fought because he won a mandate and we're like, oh, it's different this time. He's four years older.

One thing I know about blokes in the 70s is that they don't get more sane. LAUGHTER I'm just pleased we finally have a US president who's willing to invade and occupy a Middle Eastern country. LAUGHTER About time. You see, if you can make Gaza the Riviera of the Middle East, imagine what he could do with Milton Keynes.

The Florence of Buckinghamshire. He doesn't understand anything except through real estate deals. He said the same thing about North Korea. He said he has great beaches. It could be really great hotels up here. It's clearly how he sees the world, so we have to get on his level. He doesn't care about human rights, but if you say, no, Donald, the people of Gaza are executive club members, we can't touch them then. It must be mad for people who live in these countries that he's saying these things about. I felt sorry for the people of Greenland. They must have just been,

what? Are we on the market? And then, like any sane person, you go, well, let's check what it's worth. I mean, it's certainly worth testing the waters of the market, you know. Maybe that's just too, like, Foxden should just drop leaflets all over these countries, going, crazy narcissists are looking for properties in your area. LAUGHTER I mean, I also don't think that turning war zones into beach resorts is actually the right way to achieve world peace.

LAUGHTER Do you see how aggressive people get, you know, with the sun loungers and their beach towels, and we do not want the Germans to get involved? Things are already very, very, very... LAUGHTER He's been accused of basically advocating ethnic cleansing, which I mean I think it's fair to say historically is a bit of a tainted brand, if I may understate wildly. I mean it's, did you expect

this at the start of this week? Because obviously at the news, because what we do at the start of every week, we get our panellists to write down the news stories they expected to happen. I mean, you might have gone with, Elon Musk denies pointy white hood he wore had racist undertones. But I don't think even the most cheese-addled Trump predicting fever dreamers would have gone for, American President advocates ethnically cleansing grief-stricken war zone and turning it into holiday resort.

We're only three weeks into this, President, we're still even been a month. Yeah. It's not even been a month, he's not even been paid yet. I guess Trump's desire to turn Gaza into the Riviera of the Middle East, I guess that sits quite neatly alongside Elon Musk's apparent efforts to turn Washington DC into the 1930s Berlin of the USA. But I mean it's been widely rejected by the international community. I mean France in particular rejected the proposal presumably because they don't want to risk the Côte d'Azur being rebranded as the Gaza of the Northwest Mediterranean. Is there any logic to it that any of you have spotted? No. It would be quite

something if Donald Trump was so insane, the power of his insanity was enough to fully unite the Arab world. I hope that happens just for the kind of murals we'll get in 30 years of this sort of mad looking blonde wig guy just all over the walls of various Arab capitals just without him. We could never have done it. We could never have come together as one, he was just insane enough. LAUGHTER

I mean, if he does somehow just bring about world peace, I don't feel like that's possible right now, but it could happen. It'd be tough for the left to take, wouldn't it? It'd be like finding out, like, Hitler was a vegetarian and that Margaret Thatcher had a hand in Mr Whippy. Not a hand in Mr Whippy anyway. Can I just clarify that Mr Whippy was actually her nickname for Norman Tabot?

But the thing about World Peace, he really wants to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He really wants it, because Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize. So that is... He might fight to get World Peace just to own the Nobel Peace Prize. He really wants it because Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize. So that is, he might fight to get world peace just to own the Libs. Can I just remind everybody in this room and everyone who is listening, this man suggested putting bleach in your veins during the pandemic. he is not bringing about world peace. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I guess there is a logic to what Trump's doing,

if you look closely enough, having spent an hour or so with your head in a cement mixer full of cannonballs. LAUGHTER The logic is this. A different approach was needed. This is a different approach. needed, this is a different approach, therefore this is needed. Similar logic, I like eating chicken wings, chickens have two feet, I have two feet, I'm

now eating my own arm. This is related to Trump, according to Keir Starmer this week, the UK is not, despite rumours to the contrary, having to choose between what two things? Er, Ant and Dec? Erm, Daddy or Chips? This is him talking about choosing between the US and the EU. Yes. Isn't it like we have a party playing this? I love this delusion.

Yeah. It's like me sitting going, I don't know who I'm going to pick, Kylie or Danny Minogue. Like, any of them are interested. I disagree. I think this is Britain's time to shine. This is the biggest Brexit benefit. I'm telling you people, listen up, because we get to be the global snidey friend.

We are well placed to do that. Making out with mates with everyone while cosying up to other people. When was things last good economically? It was when George W was wearing Tony Blair's balls as earrings. We've got to get back in that place. This is what we're good at. We need to create a minister for ferrying scourless rumours between friends. And Keir Starmer, he's rode back on every position he's ever had. Just think of it like traitors. Just Keir Starmer going round, just going, Greenland, I just want you to know that my gut instinct

is that Donald Trump shouldn't buy you. And then he goes to Trump, goes, look, they're absolutely traitors. It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that we don't really have anything to sell. I'm never really clear what... Everyone goes on about it, we're going to have a trade deal. You go, for like coffee shops? I don't really have anything to sell. Never really clear what... Everyone goes on about it, we're gonna have a trade deal. You go, for like, coffee shops? I don't really know what we do. Keir Starmer is often called Mr. Darcy.

Remember there was that thing with Bridget Jones, is he Mr. Darcy? But I think he's actually Bridget Jones in this. Who is he going to pick? Is he gonna pick the bad boy, America, who's quite charming, but, you know, can't be trusted? Or is he gonna choose the EU, who will kind of put out your know, can't be trusted? Or is he going to choose the EU, who will kind of put out your bins and won't chlorinate your chicken? It is a

really, really difficult decision. It is a difficult decision. Is he just running about the middle of London in his pants and a tight fit? The Wall Street Journal this week ran an opinion piece arguing that Trump has set a new all-time record for what hotly contested title? Journalists fainting when he says mad shit. It kind of cracks me up with it when he's went, we're going to go after Canada and everyone's like, really? Canada?

Yeah. And everyone's like, really? Canada? The nice Canadian people who, when they legalised cannabis, after a weekend, a whole country had run out of cannabis. And you're going to go after them? What are you going to do, take their mamas and papas' records off them? I think that's part of his crazy strategy, like Nixon trying to seem unhinged, because picking a fight with Canada, you're right, it's like bursting into a pub and starting a fight with the dog by the fire. It's so much more frightening than starting a fight with a bouncer or the bum. This guy will do anything.

He's a horrible man. This is a horrible man. He actually achieved the incredible thing of making Canadians patriotic. That's what I'm telling you, this guy, he can do things no other politician has ever done. The truth of the matter is, the US does have a massive drugs problem. You know, I don't think that much of the fentanyl comes over from Canada but it is an issue for them and we don't get it because we don't have a fentanyl problem here. We're doing just fine with analogue drugs, that's right. Only £43 of fentanyl was seized at the Canadian border going into America, right?

And I'm thinking, I mean, I could have fitted that in my bra. LAUGHTER You know, like, you're going, £43? I've seen that at a house party in Glasgow. LAUGHTER What's your problem, Donald? Relax! Can't wait for your series of race across the world. That's a good idea.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're right. The big coup was the fact that the Prime Minister of Canada and the President of Mexico just had to do a big announcement going, well, now drugs really are illegal. Double illegal. I think that if you think too economically about it, you miss the fact that his base

is largely comprised of people who would gladly Pay an extra two dollars for eggs if they knew that that was somehow in conveniencing a foreigner But he's like everything he loves is from the late 1800s tariffs Prospecting for mineral wealth building big buildings no women's rights. Yeah He's this close to suggesting we harness the power of steam. Yes, Donald Trump has announced punishing tariffs on, I don't know, whichever countries happen to be passing temporarily through his head at the time,

prompting his beloved stock markets to tell him where to stick himself. And then he de-announced the tariffs temporarily because he had more pressing business trying to set a new all-time record for stupidest solution to the Middle East situation since God flooded the entire place back in Noah's day. Whatever you think of Trump, whether you think he's a viral mutation of Western democracy and capitalism, a pseudo-patriotic betrayer of the nation, America never truly was in the first place anyway, a one-man manifestation of the decay and decline of 21st century humanity condensed into one ethically putrescent vortex of seemingly infinite vanity and malevolence or not.

You can't deny that he knows how to get on the news quiz. I mean the thing is if you hire someone to sort out your living room by swinging an incontinent badger around their head repeatedly then logically just don't sit on your sofa for a while. then logically just don't sit on your sofa for a while. So the end of our America round the scores are 4 to Susie and Pierre, 3 to Jeff and Aisha so with 25% tariffs it's 3 to 2 and a quarter. Right well since it's Super Bowl week, we're going to have a special news quiz half-time show. Unfortunately, we are not on a Super Bowl budget, we are on a radio budget, so do sit

back and enjoy the BBC amateur Tchaikovsky Appreciation Society with a how much could we afford in the end five second excerpt from their version of Swan Lake. Can we not even afford some of the orchestra? Oh well, that showbiz. Right, on with the show. Next question. Whose school report this week said no signs of improvement, if anything, and I never thought I'd say this, even worse than before? Oh, is this the first six months of the Labour Party?

It's not that, no. Is it Ofsted? It is Ofsted, yes. Yeah, they're changing it all, aren't they? Because the former grading was a bit harsh, so now the grading goes from lemon and herb, mild, and peri-peri madness. But teachers have complained, right? They've said that they find it demoralizing. I used to be a teacher.

We say that we find everything demoralizing, including teaching, right? So it is, the big irony though, is that teachers don't like being graded. Well, it's not nice, is it guys, is it? The same people that actually give a grade to something as subjective as effort. They've introduced a five-coloured traffic light system. Because you know how traffic lights are famously five-coloured?

I can see the problem in this from the off of state. A lot of the concerns about the new system have been raised from within Ofsted by whistleblowers, so we know the PE teachers aren't happy. Why don't you just name the ratings in a way that's honest for like middle class sharp elbowed parents, you know what I mean? Yeah, definitely get them in here, pretend to be a Christian. Not this one, it's got metal detectors, you know. The top rating should just be a picture of an estate agent with some champagne. Right, our next question can go to Suzy and Pierre.

According to a poll this week, more people in the UK now prefer what to what? This is a more people prefer reform to the Labour Party. Yes. I mean reform, it's understandable what they do. I don't know what their policies are but when you've got like the party that were in 14 years, no one likes them, they have a lot come in and there was some hope and then that's been dashed. So but the problem is reform, they're sort of like Ukip if you feed them after midnight, aren't they David? They're manifestos, the last thing we really know anything about, right?

And it was kind of like right wing fantasy football, wasn't it? They just threw every single right wing idea, put Messi, Ronaldo, that's probably should be doing cricket references, they put Cowdry and Gower in the same team. But their agenda, no one knows what it is. It's a sentiment at this point, but they do have ferrage. For all people who might not like him, he could talk. The problem is, he doesn't have anything to sell. He's sort of like a doctor who is all diagnosis and no prescription.

He'll tell you, you've got a cyst on your arm, your leg's hanging off and your head is broken. They go, what do I do about it? Well, it's a farce. You go, yeah, I get it. It's a farce, it's a disgrace, it's calamitous. What he really is, is he's a thesaurus. He's a thesaurus of synonyms for everything that's wrong.

But I don't know exactly, but there's no pressure on them to actually say what they'll do yet. They're just surfing this sentiment wave. Whenever they do a poll and they say reform are doing really well. You're right It's just a dissatisfaction survey. Just replace reform on the survey with a frowny face. I Know this this how you feel and most of the British public will go. Yes I don't even need to know what the survey is about. Yes frowny face every day Are you saying we could have an emoji Prime Minister within 10 years? about, yes, frowny face. Are you saying we could have an emoji Prime Minister within 10 years? It must be hard for the Lib Dems, isn't it, because people are going if only there was some sort of third way in British politics, if there was some way to escape the two-party system and they're

going we're literally right here. I mean, Geoff is absolutely right that, you know, reform are doing really, really well. There are going to be big local elections and mayoral elections in May of this year, and I think they're probably going to do really, really well. But they can say exactly what they like right now because nothing is costed. They're under absolutely no scrutiny. But the other thing which is really tough and gives Nigel Farage a massive advantage is a lot of the press and social media are really behind him like Elon Musk even though they've had a bit of a spat at one point Elon Musk was

going to donate some money a lot of the right-wing press are behind them because it's quite interesting it's good for business and if you look at who the Labour Party I mean Keir Starmer's just about got the mirror just about got the Guardian and I think Toolmakers Weekly's not even that backing him in. It is tough right now for the Labour Party but it is difficult for the Tories as well because now one in five Tory voters would vote for reform and the other four have moved to the Cayman Islands since the Labour Party in the election. Yes it's the first time that Reform UK have topped an opinion poll and with only four years and

five months out of their five-year term in office until the next election, it's hard to see how Labour can possibly recover from this. I guess an opinion poll has revealed, by which I mean it has sort of suggested with a huge number of caveats and footnotes, that if a general election were held tomorrow, which is the biggest if since Rudyard Kipling started projecting the titles of his poems up onto the night skies above Gotham City. If a general election were held tomorrow, which would be frankly a logistical and broadcasting nightmare, if a general election were held tomorrow, which, let's be honest, would be a strategic gamble by the Labour Party, even more reckless than the Tories

ramming their marmalade covered fingers into the electrical socket that was a Liz Trust leadership bid. If a general election were held tomorrow, 25% of the British public would vote for Reform UK if they actually voted how they say they're going to vote in an opinion poll which as we know from elections a lot of them probably won't. Jeff, Keir Starmer has been under pressure to explain himself after it emerged that during Covid lockdown times he was visited by what? The ghost of future pensioners? Correct. Oh it's the voice coach isn't it? Yes. Yeah the most stunning revelation in political history. It'd be up there and we'd find out that Boris wore a chastity belt, wouldn't it?

That Keir Starmer... I mean, I suppose that... So he's questioned about it at PMQs, you know. I don't think he broke the rules, but I think certainly there was some latitude within the spirit of the rules. And they just asked, do you really need a voice coach to be present? When I think of all the things I did over Zoom during the lockdowns, speed driver awareness course another one Third one a meeting with a solicitor about how to get my license back, you know

Think the Labour Party uses voice coaches who insert adenoids. I Just think he's gonna get bullied at the next summit so I do worry for kid He's gonna get bullied. So my idea is send Angela Rayner, right? She's a ginger woman from the north of England, stick three Yeagers in her and just say, Angela, Trump and Melania have been slagging off your family, just watch her go. It is very on Branford Starmer to be like caught doing the equivalent of bunking off school to go do more work in the library. Still working.

Yes, that's so often whether you think this is a big deal or a small deal or no deal or a small deal that is worth pretending is a big deal to get some political traction or a big deal that's worth pretending is a small deal because frankly you can't be asked to waste your soul on stuff like this anymore. Well, that's up to you and your political inclinations. But hearing that Keir Starmer has a voice coach, that is like hearing that Elon Musk has a historical sensitivity advisor. So at the end of our UK politics round, Suzy and Pierre have five and Jeff and Aisha have four and a quarter. Right, we have a special round now. It's our online misinformation round. I'm going to deliberately, falsely exaggerate a news story from this week that was itself a deliberate false exaggeration. Our panellists have to tell me what the original story actually was.

So here is the exaggerated, exaggerated headline. Scottish First Minister Swinney to publicly execute freshly widowed granny's last remaining kitten then serve its corpse as a school meal. Anyone tell me what the original story actually was? This was about the SNP and John Swinney being accused of bringing in a policy of banning cats. Correct. Yeah, welcome to the world of Scottish journalism, ladies and gentlemen, where literally the journalists have realised that the print sales are so low they just pick any old nonsense out of there and go, let's see what we can get away with this week.

This was a story for like three days in Scotland. I have to say, the more that he said he wasn't going to ban cats, the more I thought, it sounds a lot like a guy who's going to ban cats. I didn't believe it the first time, but now there's three days of this. Those cats are getting banned. I mean, the Scottish government clarified things. They said that they're not going to ban cats, but they are going to be introducing a cat deposit return scheme.

I heard he was going to ban cats, but he let's just say he woke up with a mouse's head on his pillow. Changed his mind. The original story was restrictions on movements of cats might be worth considering in some areas according to research but this became Scotland to ban cats. So they would never have done, Andy, because if there's one thing that cats and the SNP love, it's independence. LAUGHTER

But we all know this is how news progresses. So, our challenge for our panellists is, could you be an online news editor? You have to transform a genuine story or actual fact from the news this week into a willfully misleading headline that will make people angry, worried or frightened. So let's start with this. Susie and Pierre have a go at this one. The actual story is Chegos Islands deal under scrutiny. Twist that into something terrifying. We are selling whales to Mauritius.

Yeah, that's pretty close. I think that's pretty close to how it was reported. It's one of those news stories where the more I read, the less I understand what's happening. It reminds me of any time where this news says the stock market's not doing well, and I go, today's the day I figure out what that exactly means. Jeff, your story to transform into some terrifying headline. The government has announced plans to make it easier to build mini nuclear power stations in England and Wales.

Okay. Labour banned large reactors because of eco nutters. Plans for larger reactors shelved after Greta Thumbags finds one single family of left-wing voles. I'm gonna say that wasn't a reach for me, Andy. Starmus Chernobyl on your cricket ground. Oh, now you have my full undivided attention here. This is how it works. Final one. UN planetary defence organisations closely monitoring asteroid that has tiny risk of

hitting Earth. Asteroid due to hit Earth any day now as UN fails to keep UK safe. To be fair, given the UN's record in preventing disasters, the idea that they're the ones in charge of stopping asteroids, you go, well, we're screwed. A guy in a blue helmet's going to watch the asteroid hit. It'd be the Guardian's ideal scenario, wouldn't it? Just so he could go, I told you so. Whereas I'm in the tabloids to go,

top five things to do before we all get destroyed. Have an affair, take heroin. The asteroid might open up planning permission for your extension. Right, with the scores now tied at seven points all, we go to a tiebreaker. A burnt scroll from the volcano-struck town of Herculaneum has been digitally unwrapped. They managed to decipher some of the letters inside it after almost 2,000 years. We don't know exactly what is in the scroll yet, but our winners this week will be whichever team can give me the best message that we will put into the BBC's micro Vesuvius. So what message would you leave for people to read 2000 years from

now about the world we're living in? Pierre? Don't throw away the packet, you don't remember the cooking instructions. I think I can remember one 80 fan. Look who's rifling through the bin. My message is more a question and that would be have we managed to build the third runway at Heathrow yet? LAUGHTER You are number one in the queue. Your scroll is important to us. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE By the barest of margins, our winners are Jeff and Ayesha, thanks to them and to Susie and Pierre.

Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. Goodbye. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Taking part to the News of this program. The producer was Rajiv Kauria and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Hello, Andy Zoltzman here. If you enjoy the news quiz then A, congratulations on your correct lifestyle choices and B, you will almost certainly also enjoy another show from BBC Radio 4. Strong message here. Journalist Helen Lewis and comedy titan Armando Iannucci attempt to decode the baffling world of political language one puzzling phrase or slogan at a time. Just search for Strong Message Here on BBC Sounds.

And to whet your appetite... Strong Message Here from BBC Radio 4. I'm Armando Iannucci. And I'm Helen Lewis. A comedy writer and a journalist teaming up like a pair of unkempt and unlikely superheroes. Our mission is to decipher political language. Stress testing to destruction those used and abused buzzwords and phrases.

Finding out what they really mean. And looking at whether they're meant to deceive us. Or to distract us. Or to disturb us. And our pledge is to help you spot the tricks of the verbal trait. But be warned, this series does feature strong political language that some listeners may find an inverted pyramid of piffle. Strong message here from BBC Radio 4.

Listen now on BBC Sounds.