Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz Ep6. Brexpressionism

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

Recorded at Hay Festival, Andy asks the panel the dreaded question - is Brexit back on the table? Also on the menu is Welsh independence, the National Conversation and an update on just how much money has been wasted on HS2.This week’s panellists are Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Robin Morgan, Stephen Bush and Chloe Petts.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Maisie Adair, Catherine Brinkworth, Angela Channell and James Farmer Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Recorded at Hay FestivalA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. This week's news quiz comes from the Hay Festival of Literature and Arts. Hey, can you all stop reading your novels and give me a cheer? Thank you. So before the show, I thought I'd blend in by writing a book. Right, first things first. The title, How Kier Starmer can bounce back and win the country round. The end.

Right, I'll send that off to the publishers as soon as we've finished. This week's News Quiz. Welcome to the youth. I'm on Resulton. Our teams here at Hay were paying tribute to popular book genres and to the HS2 budget. So we have team epic fantasy against team true crime. On team fantasy, we have Robin Morgan and from the Financial Times, Stephen Bush. And on team crime, we have Kiri Pritchard McLean and Chloe Pets. Right, our first question can go to Kiri and Chloe.

Andy Burnham said this week that the last thing we should do right now is what? Oh, is it the Three Peaks Challenge? It's his idea to get the economy back on track. Right. Just to see how much he can fundraise. And get the whole nation doing it at the same time, tackling the obesity crisis, raising money, just in a couple of minibuses. Right.

He's just going to Captain Tom here, isn't it? Absolutely, yeah. I love that that's a verb now. Yeah, I think that. Right. It's not the correct answer, but I think it would definitely. It's probably the most coherent economic plan I've heard for this country. in let's say just over 10 years.

Chloe, Andy Burnham, said the last thing we should do right now is what? Was it released the document saying that the Queen wanted Prince Andrew to become a train envoy in 2002? Oh crap. Not quite right. Stephen? Is it start pointing out that he looks a bit like one of the Thunderbird? Topical reference there.

He does, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah. I like that for him. It's a strong brows, isn't it? Yeah, I see that. I think it looks wise. He's got the energy of, and then, kind of swagger. I don't think people are drawn to this man Cune and swagger,

but I think it's the swagger of the fastest dad at Sports Day. I think that's his... It is, isn't it? The guy who's just run the running race. You're like, calm down, mate. It was 50 yards, and you brought your running shoes. Robin? I think the last thing we should do right now is have a quiz about the news. That's what he says. He's a very serious man, and this is mocking him.

It's disrespectful. It is. Absolutely. It is thoroughly. None of those are right. Any more suggestions? The last thing we should do right now is... Panic. Panic, was that? Is that your safe word? Is that why you're...

Yelling this out. Said in the most panic voice, I don't... Panic! No one ever says, now is not the time to panic, unless it is definitely... Some is there are Brexit, isn't it? Yes.

It always is. Why are we talking about Brexit again? Well, that's kind of his argument, isn't it, that he's being asked about, He was, formerly, he was a Remainer. And so people, you know, as he's looking like he's surreptitiously doing a leadership challenge by this by-election, they've said, well, you know, you were against Brexit. Would you take us back into the EU? And he's like, listen, now is not the time to talk about it.

But that's now all anyone is talking about. That's been the problem. He said we don't need to rerun Brexit arguments, but I think that's because we've now seen what he looks like in running shorts. I'm pretty sure I saw a low-hanging testicle at one point. Well, I mean, I guess there's another... We'll come up to the 10th anniversary of the Brexit vote. Who's excited by that?

Just accurately reflected the mood of the nation. Well done. I mean, is this something we need to regurgitate this half-digested meal, re-cook it, eat it again, and see what happens? Well, what a pretty word picture. So the political subject here is then West Streeting, his main rival for the leadership, is from a constituency in London, where we're on the whole not too keen on Brexit.

Andy Burnham has, in the past, been quite keen to make eyes at Labour members, and Labour members aren't keen on Brexit, but he's now running in Makerfield, where they are still quite keen on Brexit. So it's very much the kind of like, you know, it's like at Christmas when you're just like, you know, don't bring up your Aunt Lauren's divorce, right? And in many ways, Brexit is your Aunt Lauren's divorce. It's painful for everyone, and it hasn't worked out that well, but, you know, there's no point bringing it up now.

Yeah, I mean, what's in terms of things coming back from the past, you know, Brexit's not so much the elephant in the room as the woolly mammoth standing between us and our national television twerking its mammoth in our face in the room. Do you need a minute, Andy? Are you pleased to see the Brexit debate back, Chloe? Not really, because I think at the moment. the problem with the country is that we're totally polarised. And I think bringing Brexit back as a conversation will only further add to that polarisation. Well, I think actually, I thought that,

but maybe we're just all so sick of the conversation, right? So actually the thing to unite us most is to go, guys, do we want to talk about Brexit again? And even the staunches Romania is like, no, shut up. I'm only just back on talking terms to the people in my street WhatsApp group. So we should have a referendum on, whether we will have a referendum on Brexit.

That's great, yes. And ultimately, the answer will be David Attenborough, because that's the safest thing. Sorry, this might be a silly question. What's Brexit? Well, that is another option is just to put a mind-erasing drug in the water system. Like men in black, just flash everyone.

Because that's changed our country, change our language, new phrases that have come in since Brexit, Brextrosensory perception, which is the ability to notice either benefits or drawbacks of Brexit that other people and the vast majority of economists simply cannot see. An abstract pre-expressionism,

which is a political art form in which you can say or do anything and claim it's Brexit. So we're moving on, really. So as you mentioned, this is sort of all related to the Labour leadership squabbling. Wes Streeting, who resigned last week, warned that the government is in danger of losing what?

That was the end of the sentence. Just losing Right Just losing Is it in danger of losing Wales Because I think they are As a person who lives in Wales One more bad decision away from us

Bricking up the A55 Pulling down the seven bridge And turning Powis into some kind of holding centre for the English That's Somebody who lives in Powis is absolutely furious The correct answer is the fight against nationalism Which is a bit of a concern Have we got any nationalism fans in?

Oh, these lot, they're always putting up flags on the local lamp post. Look at them. So many flags. It's like Glastonbury here. You can't move for flags in this weird. I'm not a huge fan of nationalism. I don't know why that is. I think it's maybe because I'm from the 20th century.

It's where I grew up. And I think nationalism had a bad 20th century, to be honest. Well, they're trying to put a labour spin on nationalism all the time. but it doesn't sit that easily with them. So, yeah, the closest they get is sort of like, should we re-nationalize nationalism? There's like nothing close to an actual strategy and more kind of trying to woo back people

who've gone from Labor to reform. That's all that's happening. The renationalising nationalism, so that's state control of the production of cheap flags. That's it, yes. The only growing, like, field that we have. But Streeting's worried about, with the local and regional elections,

he's obviously got Sinn Féin, the SMP, and Plight, England, so everyone's kind of worried about those bits of the UK. If I was the King of Spain, I'd be googling Armada's near me at this point. Now's a good time for that. I think, I'd quite like Burnham to get it. I'd like him to get in, and I think

I'd like him to replace Kirstama, if only because it's another white man with glasses, and it's just nice to see me represented on the global stage. When will our voice be heard? Do you think Burnham's actually going to win the by-election? What do you think? It would be a shame if he couldn't be the guy that was Facebook friends with the neo-Nazs. Yes.

But I feel like that's quite, I'm friends with people on Facebook I don't want to be friends with. I have someone on my Facebook, and they have a joint Facebook profile. They're in their 60s, and it's John and Barbara, okay? And one of them keeps posting very bigoted stuff, and I don't know which one it is. Whoever's in charge of the account because the other one had the affair is, I guess. That's the only reason people get joint in Facebook. account someone was playing away there you go there's the secret to be fair to the credit of the reform candidate a sentence that i will probably never say again but to his credit i think like you were saying

robin like my facebook has laid dormant for many many years but i acquired so many friends in about the year 2016 when i was doing stand-up comedy in pubs with let's face it white men who were just given it a go statistically I'm 100% also Facebook friends with a neo-nazzi. It's funny that because we're all talking about this, you know, this leadership battle, but no one has said that they are running, West Streeting just said, if it happens again, I will stand, but no one is committing to it because they don't want to be the first to commit to it. And it's a very like, I will, if you will.

It's like a game of spin the bottle between like 14-year-olds and be like, if Wes says he'll do it, then I'll do it. But it's also as unsexy as that as well. It's also calling him Wes. I think Wes is too bland a name to be Prime Minister. His full name is Wesley. We can't have a Prime Minister Wesley. I think I've got his middle name here.

Wesley Paul William Streeting. So I think he should go by WPW Streeting because it sounds like he does paving. That would look lovely on the side of a van, wouldn't it? Right, lovely. Well, some news just breaking, actually, in an effort to bring the Labour Party together, Kirstarmer has called on himself to resign

and has said that he will stand against himself to provide both the change and the continuity that Labour needs. Right, at the end of that round, the scores are four points all. Right, we are recording on Children's Book Day here at the Hay Festival. So for the rest of the questions in this week's news, because our panellists have to tell me, is this a news story or a children's book? So I'm going to give them two phrases. One is a new story from this week.

The other is a genuine published journal. children's book title. So for example, to illustrate how this works, if I would give you the very hungry caterpillar and Vladimir gets the giggles, you probably know. One is a genuine children's book. The other is about Putin's reactions to Britain easing sanctions on Russia. That's how it works. So the panel has to tell me which one is the new story and explain what that story is. Stephen and Robin, you get the first go. Which is the new story? Which is the children's book? When the Wales went away and Otto and the magic potatoes. The Wales one is surely the news stories.

Yes, correct. Is this about new First Minister and applied Camerlady to Rina Apioroeth? Yes. Having a conversation with Kirstama? Correct. He chatted, they had a phone call last week, and the first time they've spoken, and Apioroeth was talking about the things that he wants for Wales,

he wants maybe the Barnet formula changed, he wants some HS2 consequentials, he wants the Crown Estate. That's what the Welsh country. government sort of released to the press and then the UK government went he also talked about independence the naughty bitch and that was seen as quite a spiky thing for the first sort of phone call to sort of mention and by the way we'd quite like independent just sort of dropping it in casually just like and maybe you know on my anniversary maybe we can try independence I don't know maybe have a drink then maybe maybe just can't help himself because they've got this hot you know

Placcomney, largest parties, so forming a minority government. They had this 100-day roadmap of everything they were going to achieve. And they said of independence, they said, listen, we are going to kind of commission a white paper on it, you know, consultation. And that was where it was left because lots of people are against Welsh independence, but decided to vote for Placemory because that was the agreement. And the first phone call he's got with Kirstarmy's like, by the way, we want independent. You just can't help himself.

It's like my mum, like any conversation, she will manage to bring it back to my weight. I remember genuinely, organising my dad's funeral with her, and she's like, well, at least you'll be in black and you know how slimming that is. You're like, Mother! It's not the time. Our next question,

new story or children's book to Kiri and Chloe, which is the new story, which is the children's book? Walter the farting dog goes on a cruise, or Mickey the Malarial Mosquito goes to Mirtha Tidville. I want to read them both. Right.

I'm not so... Surely the dog on a cruise... I mean, it's got the word fart in it. So that feels more like a kid's book for me. That self, but it is a... That's an American children's book from 2006, one of several in the Walter the Farting Dog series. I don't know if they had any readings here or not.

So the mosquito one then... Yes. Okay, right. Can you explain the story? So the mosquito one is... Because we've got this new government. The sort of people who care a lot about the climate or who are paid to care a lot about the climate

have gone to the new government and said, listen, we're in big danger here in terms of temperature rising. We're facing sort of flooding. We're facing huge amounts of droughts. And deadly strains of mosquitoes carrying diseases coming to Wales, which just feels very unfair living, because I know that the mosquito that carries malaria lives where I live on Ernest Morn at the top of Wales.

And I just feel like it's very unfair to get malaria before we have a pretermonge. It's quite an unfair situation to be in. In this situation, I'm suddenly a lot more pro-Welish independence. And if we could build a big wall between us and you, as high as the sky, I would be appreciative. I really hate creepy cruellys. Are you calling Welsh people creepy-crawls?

You love what I said. I stand by it. I feel at least partly responsible for this, because religious zealots often blame the queer communities. for bathing God into sending plagues. So I think I might have accidentally missed one of the meetings, and they sent the mosque years. I would have stopped them if I could. But I do actually, I feel okay about it,

because I have an Australian girlfriend. So every time we kiss, I'm sort of microdosing malaria. And I feel incredibly safe because I have seen her go at a huntsman with a flip-flop. And I'm going to say, quite an erotic experience. I've just realised you're talking about a spider when he said a huntsman. I come from the countryside.

I assumed it was a guy with a sort of shotgun over the cook of his arms. Yeah, lesbians like to go for them as well. Wales is obviously because of our terrain and stuff, we're very liable to sort of climate catastrophe type of stuff, very hilly. I mean, this part of the world

where we are at the moment, it means that in 75 years this could become the world's first ever laminated book festival. Just worry. That's how sexy it is. Yeah, it's pretty good. But I think in Wales we're already suffering with this.

I think it's bizarre like the climate is changing quite a lot here. There is one species that's nearly completely extinct, and they're called the Labour Party. We're hoping they breed with the Lib Dems and something happens. Lib Dem. Yes, well, you're correct. Mickey, the Malarial Mosquito goes to Mertha Tidville, is the new story.

Yeah, well, the political upheavals that have bristled across the UK brought a new pro-independence government to Wales, and with Bligh-Kulmri raising the issue of independence, we do have to be prepared here. We're in Hayon-Wye, which is right on the Welsh border with England. So if war breaks out, this festival is going to be right in the front line. And I've got a map of the festival site here. And look, whoever can take control of the gift shop,

we can control the main transit route between the discovery stage where we're recording in the ice cream truck, the coffee stall is looking strategically crucial, at the south end of the site for any forces attacking either over the hills from Abergavenny or from the badlands of Herefordshire, whilst we can expect some fierce fighting around the salad dress encounter in the canteen. It's a war. It's always about the oil. Right, at the end of our Wales round, it's now eight to Kiri and Chloe, six to Stephen and Robin. Right, so for our next round, this can go to Stephen and Robin.

New Story or Children's Book, Harpo's Horrible Secret, and Sad. and Gary want a chat. Oh, I mean, I've got two young kids. I would love to hear about Harpo's horrible secret. I'd love to read that. I think that's the kid's book. That is the genuine kids' book, yeah. So what is the new story, Saj and Gary want to chat?

So Sajad Javid, the former Conservative Cabinet Minister, is leading up this thing called the National Conversation where it's a study being run by Oxford University. And, you know, the first question is like, you know, do you feel welcome in your local? area, do you feel like you belong in your city? Do you feel like you belong in the country? Do people nearby me of different backgrounds get on? And the idea is this will somehow help heal the country? I went on the website. It's interesting, isn't it? They sort of trailed this thing

of, like, Britain is so divided. I think they had a stat that 75% of people believe that Britain is divided as a country. So we're even divided on that. And they said, you have to fill in this questionnaire. And you can also send voice notes. That was their big sale. They said, and lots of high-profile people are going to be sending these voice notes to give you an example. So they said,

high-profile voice notes from people like Gary Linneker. That is the blue sky thinking at 4pm on a Friday, isn't it? We are divided as a nation. Maybe a voice note from the man who shats himself on a pitch will do it. Maybe.

If I wanted to hear the opinions of a man who shat himself on a football pitch, I'd speak to any of the dads at Fiveraside. Also, in terms of things which are dividing the country, surely we can unify around the idea than having finally defeated the tyranny of the answer phone, how have we allowed the tech bros to recreate it via the voice note? The most annoying way to get a message from someone,

it's like, hey, I could text you this information, or I could give us long rambling, sort of, hey, I'm calling, and now I'm going to do this kind of free jazz style kind of meandering around the topic. Oh, by the way, could you get milk? I mean, no wonder the country is divided. We're all on edge from trying to work out how these voice notes are going to end.

They always start with, I started having this, but this is just so much easier. It's easier for you, not for me, listening to it. It's absolutely insane. I feel very attacked because I regularly send Robin voice notes. I know. Look at me in the eyes. I'm speaking about you, Kiri.

This is the national conversation. We hate it. It's a national intervention. That's what this is. Kiri Pritchromically genuinely once sent me a 17 minute voice note. That is 60% of a news quiz. And was it brilliant? It was one of the best voice notes I've ever received in my name.

What are you guys thinking of the national conversation? Is it going to help us heal as a country? No, because it doesn't really dig into anything. So I did the survey as well because I was interested, and they were like, don't worry, it's really anonymous, it's really anonymous. I live in a village of 50 people and I'm the only person under 65, so I think they can work out who's given the answers to some of the stuff. And I thought it would kind of like gather information about how we bring people together

or what you really enjoy and look for from the future. And then it would put together some kind of like government or committee to help run things. But it was nothing like that. It was just like put a dot on the map of where you really don't like in your village. And I put it on my own house and said, oh, the garden's awful. I think the woman has mental health problems and need some help. I'm hoping the council I'll step in and understand

a dereliction of duty to allow me to use a lawn mower but yeah I also am very against we're not great at choosing things as a nation I think that's not our strong suit I think if we end up you know picking a committee that brings everyone together it'll be a sausage bapa buzzball and the latest cast of the traitors and like as much as I love all those things

I don't think that's how we're going to govern a country as complicated as ours I actually have a picture of a better way that we can unite the country. So I think the one of the things that unites us as British people, like every single one of us loves this, is when someone, you hold a door open for someone and they walk through and they don't say thank you,

and then you go, you're welcome! So I think one of the big things at the moment that people are concerned about is illegal immigration. So I think the way that we can solve this is we all go down to the coast, we see a small boat, we let it past us, and then we go, You're welcome! And then everyone will sort of be able to get all of their aggression out and let these people fleeing the unknown terrors of their home countries to just live in peace.

Yes, this is the National Conversation Project. Researchers are asking participants to complete a survey, then record a 60-second voice note to be analysed by AI to tell us all what this country really is, what this country really thinks, and what this country really thinks it is. So my challenge for our panel is to record the news quizzes voice note to the nation. So we've got one minute, four panelists, so 15 seconds each. Right, start the clock. Higher, I was just thinking maybe we could have more neon,

because we're having a sort of dystopian cyberpunkgy vibe to our politics. So let's at least have the aesthetic of the country match up with the kind of Blade Runner hellscape. A lot more neon. Chloe? I think that the neon should be worn. by seagulls because I believe that seagulls are our greatest national feature. When you travel around the rest of the world, they are tiny and insignificant, whereas ours are massive and majestic.

I believe that we should make the seagull our national anthem. Look, I agree with the seagull thing, and also we know times are tough. Even this game of just the minute is being shared between four people. Kiri. There we go. Well, that voice note is winging its way to Sajid Javid as we speak. And this whole national conversation project to discuss exactly what we are as a nation in the post-Brexit era, someone ignores the fact that one of the cast-iron non-negotiables of what true Britishness is,

that we do not like awkward conversations. So this is flawed from the very start. In fact, research shows that around half of people in this country feel uncomfortable discussing politics and immigration with their partners. And the other half is those people's partners banging on about politics and immigration. Well, at the end of that round, it's now ten to come. Kiri and Chloe and 8 to Stephen and Robin. Right, for our final round, we're looking at things that are too expensive. So, Kiri and Chloe, which is the new story, which is the children's book?

Heidi and the Golden Ghost Train? Or please don't touch my tomato? One is a genuine kids' book, one is a new story. It's something I'll say once, I'll say it a thousand times, please do not touch my tomato. I 100% think that that is the children's book. That is the children's book. Yes. Is it about hate change?

Correct. Yes, hiding the golden ghost train, HS2. Can you explain why? So is it that HS2 is now totted up a bill that is larger than the Artemis Moon Mission? Yes. Oh, good. That is correct. That feels like someone's coughing in the audience and giving you that information.

Have you got an earpiece? Because that didn't come very naturally to you. Charles Ingram I think that makes sense that HS2 request more than a moon mission because going to the moon is just one stop How much have they spent so far? Is it 44 billion? I think the technical term is shitloads

and they're going to smash through the 100 billion pounds barrier to that strike with value for money. I don't know 44 billion without laying a single inch of track so far. Isn't that great? What have they done? Hey, they've made a lot of people in Arbit of Camden homeless. A child born after the first compulsory purchase in Camden

will be something like 29 by the time they can get a train, almost, but not quite to Birmingham. To be fair, that sounds pretty good to me. Reading this, I thought I was a bit ignorant, so I googled what is HS1? and it's the channel tunnel. A bit of fun, isn't it? I don't know that. It's crazy.

It just goes to show that sequels are always much worse. Yes, well, the Heidi was Heidi Alexander, the transport secretary who gave quite a cross-update on the HS2 project, which has already been scaled back, compromise, rejigged and de-jigged. At the current rate of progress, the first train will run on HS2 tract around the same time as the entire population of Earth has blasted off to a new life on Alpha Centauri. The entire project, which will slate our deep-seated national thirst for slightly shorter journey times on one of the nation's already quickest rail lines as soon as probably the late 2040s at this rate, will end up costing over £100 billion.

For £100 billion, they could have just picked Birmingham up and moved it next to run. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz. Our winners are Kiri and Chloe. But I had just been told that they were spying on me. while I was writing the questions from behind a hedge. So they're disqualified. So Stephen and Robin are now our winners. Thank you very much for listening to the news news news news.

Goodbye. Taking by from the newsreys, Sir Michael, Robin Morgan, Chloe Pets and Stephen Bush. In the chair with me, Andy's Altman, and Additional Material was written by Maisie Adair, Angela Channel, James Farmer and Catherine Brinkler, the producer of Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Could you talk about being invisible, or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of just a minute? Belting out a rendition of Godabat. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Birch, Paul Merton, and many more for the new series of just a minute with me, Super Kids.

It's funny because it's true. Listen on Radio 4, and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds. You know,