Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep6. Peace Deals and Police Powers

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

In the week where Trump brokered a peace deal in the Middle East, buzz was generated at the Conservative Party Conference (honestly), the Home Office announces greater restrictions on protests, and the world's first footballer billionaire is crowned, Andy Zaltzman is joined by Scott Bennett, Ayesha Hazarika, Kate Cheka and Ian Smith to break down this weeks news.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Jain Edwards, Ruth Husko and Alfie Packham Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Giulia Lopes Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Are you French? Yes. Are you, how you say, in English? Free for the next week? Well, you have you, a new job. You're the Prime Minister of the France. Congratulations. And for all the other,

here on BBC Radio 4, it's the Quiz of Newvel, with Andy Zoltzum. Sorry, you can turn the subtitles function on your radio off now. Welcome to the news quiz. I'm Andy Zaltrow, and let's get straight into the show because we're going to start with a question about the Middle East peace deal, and I want to get it done and dusted quickly,

just in case the eternity it's slated to last for isn't quite as eternal as everyone hopes. So we have our teams this week. We have Team Everlasting Peace versus Team Let's Just aim for a week to start with and then take it from there, shall we? On Team Everlasting, we have Scott Bennett and Aisha Hazareka. And on team one week, Ian Smith and Kate Checker. So our first question can go to, Scott and Ayesha.

Strong, durable and everlasting. A catchy advertising slogan for sure, but it's describing what exciting new product being promoted this week. Is it my online dating profile? Is it new hosery? Those two could be linked, I guess, in some way. It's not any other suggestion. Strong, durable and everlasting.

It's the start of the peace deal. Correct. It's quite interesting really because I think it's interesting he's a middleman, Trump's a middleman because I think he's quite good at a negotiating thing really because I think it, they might not agree on a lot of things those two sides, but I think the fact they both think

he might be a bit of a tit has given him some starting ground, you know. And I think they'll be quite keen to push through that peace deal because he's threatened to pop over. He said it in a way. that my mum and dad do when they're dropping a cottage pie round just going to pop in and check on the peace deal and I think if I had that clown in my spare room

I'd sign any form so he might have played a blinder you know it's one of those kind of weird things because there's lots of sort of people on the liberal side of politics who can't stand Trump but of course you know if he does bring this war to an end then that is a good thing and everyone's kind of thinking how did he make this happen and it is basically

because he is the maddest person in the room whenever it comes to any negotiating. And now everyone's like, how did he? I actually think the Qataris played a blinder on this because they gave him a free plane. And then Israel bombed Qatar. Then he massively fell out with Netanyahu. So the kind of message of this is bribes massively work.

Brive early, bribe big and bribe often. Yeah, well, I think I could have got this done quicker. Okay, right. So what I would do with any sort of peace deal, is that I would have like 20 boxes, and like on one end of the boxes, you'd have Palestinian statehood, and on the other end you'd have

that Israel occupy Palestine forever, and you would slowly pick boxes and take some of those away, and then a banker would call you and sort of make an offer. Peace deal or no peace deal. I feel like Trump caused a lot of this mess. It feels like very hero syndrome,

like he caused the trouble, And he's like, now, look, watch, I'm cleaning it up, you know? Like, when you have one of those boyfriends that, like, cooks dinner and he's like, and now I'm doing the washing up. It's like, yeah, that's your job. You made this mess. We're in it. I'm annoyed we have to, like, dangle prizes in front of this giant baby of a cat to, like, have a decent way to live in the world.

But, I mean, to not, you know, if the prize dangling works and clearly is still sitting by his phone waiting to hear of the Nobel Committee aboard him the big gong, do we not just need more prize? More prizes. You get like some sort of Nobel Prize for not invading the city of Chicago, for example. Maybe he could have loads of prizes on a conveyor belt going in front of him. And he gets to keep all the prizes he remembers.

But listen, I mean, if he manages to get peace and if this peace deal does hold, then I say give him all the prizes. He can have everything. He can have a Grammy. He can have an Oscar. He can have Miss World. Not literally, obviously.

I would love to see Trump win a mobo. Accepting speech should be incredible. This is maybe too serious for my usual vibe, so maybe I'll just do a sort of armpit far after it. But I was reading that apparently historically, Israeli wars end when the US is like super firm with Israel. So you could say give him the Nobel Peace Prize, or you could say, well, if you'd been firmer earlier,

rather than supplying them with weapons. Maybe there'd be less dead people. Hang on. I'm quite good at these. Who said satire is dead? I mean, it's quite a sort of change of tone for Trump from just a few months ago when he was retweeting AI videos

of him dancing in a Gaza that had had all the population ethnically clans. and being turned into a luxury holiday resort. But, I mean, is this now the blueprint for how we achieve? I mean, it's not a very good one, is it? Like, you're allowed to do two years of war until someone decides that they might get a prize out of that. Maybe that's just the way we are in the world now.

Everyone needs little rewards for everything. I mean, I think it started at school when your kid was getting a certificate for finishing their lunch. Yes, peace could be on the verge of breaking out after an agreement between Israel and Hamas overgar. USA, US boss Donald Trump, has rode back on his previous dream of Gaza becoming a holiday resort in favour of a more prosaic goal of a becoming somewhere where people can just safely live in their own homes, which is probably not quite as exciting for him.

He announced that all the hostages would be released soon and that Israel would withdraw troops to an agreed line in the first phase of the deal. As we record, Trump is sitting expectantly by the phone waiting for the call from the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. I'm not on the Nobel Committee yet, and I'm not going to tell them how to do their job. But to me, it might be worth just waiting to see if the peace deal works. I mean, if Trump gets it this week, that would be like someone getting steak chef of the year for putting a cow in a cement mixer. It might end up being the steak to end all steaks. It's certainly going to be tender, but it's not finished yet.

Of course, you don't need to be a rocket historian to know that the darts of peace in the Middle East have not always landed flush in the treble 20 of strength, durability and everlastiness that Trump has said his peace deal will produce. Let's just wait and see how it all pans out. Let's not count our chickens before the fish has started contemplating moving out of the sea to begin the evolutionary process that will eventually lead via the dinosaurs and early bird life to eventually the chickens.

Plus, let's not also forget the development of agriculture that enable the domestication and rearing of poultry and, of course, the discovery of counting as a means of counting chickens. Will the piece hold? Well, that was actually a question for our panellists and their awkward nervous silence was in fact the correct answer. So two points to both teams. Right, let's move on now to some British news.

Kemi Badenock at the Conservative Conference said that the delegates at the conference could feel the what? The invisible hand of the free market. Feel the temptation to defect to reform. I watched too much of that conference. than he's acceptable. Because he started off bad, didn't it? He had the energy of a speed awareness course.

Anyone going to have another stab at the correct answer? They could feel the what? It will just be something about the pure sexual energy in the room. Closer? It was the buzz. They can feel the buzz. Everyone is telling me about the buzz they can feel. Is that something in someone's handbag that's gone off?

That they shouldn't have at a Tory conference. Mind you, though, you'd break up the day, wasn't it? You're making that filthy. Kevin Beggler also pledged that the Conservative Party would do what to help people afford what? Is it tax the mega-rich to help people afford the basic things that they need? Incorrect.

Is it pray for a miracle to help people afford a Tory government again? notes they would remove stamp duty to help people afford houses iisha politically uh housing sort of comes up a lot and nothing much seems to change over the course of time is this going to be something that's going to help the Tory they're attempting to sort of doggy paddle their way back up the swollen Mississippi of public disapproval is that is that going to get them well look i mean this is it was a very eye-catching announcement this idea of abolishing stamp duty for main homes if they won the next general election i mean

that is a bit like me announcing that next year I've decided that I'm getting married to Pedro Pascal and you're all invited and it's going to be absolutely amazing wedding because they're completely languishing in the polls and according to the latest polls they face electoral wipeout at the next general election but look I just sort of think

if scrapping stamp duty was such a good idea why did they not do it when they were in power and just think of all the things we could have saved loads of money loads of lawyers' fees, Angela Rainer's career, like loads of things. She did a little tease with the stamp duty thing, as well in the speech,

where she said, she's looked at all the figures and was wondering if she'd be able to reduce stamp duty, and she went, and I've decided we can't. We're going to abolishing! And everyone's like, wah! Everyone's jumping up, it's euphoric, because if ever there's a room full of people who are desperate to get on the property ladder,

Apparently, I read something and it said Her speech started with a short video Of her highlights from being in charge of the Conservative So far I think surely there's got to be an amount of time Where short is too big a word for It would just be a video of the highlights And it would just go,

Kemi! But I guess you have to see in context of how long some of their other recent leaders have lasted and she's done an epic I mean she I think up to an already something like 8.6 trusses I think the bit yeah

maybe the video is just time lapses of lettuces dying without lived four Kate any other sort of policy announcements that really grabbed your attention that they were going to repeal the Climate Change Act I just think because we just had

the hottest summer on record and then one day I went home to visit my mum during one of the heatwave days my mum's 78 and it was her and my aunt who she lives with both in the living room with the curtains shut in their underwear with like their feet in buckets of water because they couldn't deal with the heat wave and I was like if we have another summer like that then the conservative photo base will just die off I welcome this news about the because there's news about the renewables overtaking fossil fuels as well isn't there which is sort of flies against what she said and I think that's quite good because it alleviates

some guilt a little bit. Because I thought, because we'd change the straws and that, I thought we'd done enough. I thought we'd get a couple of decades out of that. But my daughter, so my two children are like little Greta Thunbergs, basically. So every time I turn up the thermostat, they look at me like I've slapped a dolphin.

And so she's doing something for the Rainforest Trust this week, a little exhibition, and she's had to write to me. And I just want to just read it very quickly, just to say that we're in good hands, this is the future that are going to be dealing with the planet. And she's basically said, if we don't get our act together,

we could lose the Amazon and our lives. How would you feel if you could have prevented this? Only someone so cruel could do that to the world. Surely that wouldn't be you, Dad. Yeah, that's the opening paragraph. I read this the other night. I'd had a box of wine in front of news night and I had to deal with this, right?

She said, please support the Rainforest Trust. It will be going for a great cause. And then she says, you wouldn't want 28% of your oxygen going down the drain. You're sincerely Sophia. And then underneath, she just thought, I know where you live. Being in opposition, the Conservatives

obviously have a lot of time on their hands, but what at the conference did Robert Jenrick also have on his hand? A judge's wig. Correct. Yes. Like a hand puppet. Yes. You must think really low of your people

if you're giving them a hand puppet. You don't believe that they can understand an argument. It was weird. It was weird. I mean, is that the dream for a lot of politicians around the world seems to be that the judicial system is essentially a glove puppet. It was this, you know, the message Generic is sending to the... Well, I think that's what he was trying to do.

But if you had just turned it on without the sign you thought, this is like a really low-budget version of spitting image, you know what I mean? And all I could think of thank God the wig didn't belong to poor Michael Fabrican. That was like the only... So I think Generic had a real stinker of a conference because he went in being like, you know, the King Over the Water,

potential alternate leader to Kemi Badoadnock and then he sort of just came out looking like a slightly kind of weird, racist children's entertainer and he did this thing where there was some footage emerged where he was complaining about spending about an hour and a half in an area called Hans near Birmingham, and he complained that he saw no white faces. And I think that just shows you how madly unpopular Robert Jenrick is.

That even his own people were like, shit, Bobby Jays in town, let's all hide. And also, he's such an idiot, because if he really wants to find any white faces in Birmingham, it's really obvious what you do. You just go to your nearest curry house, right? That is basically... So let's have one more question about the Tory conference. Many people over the years have accused politicians of getting it wrong about Britain.

But what do the Conservatives literally get wrong about Britain at their conference this week? Oh, yeah. The chocolate bars. Correct. They spelled Britain wrong. They spelled it Britian. Yep. Which was worrying for me.

Because when it says something about, oh, when Labour negotiates, Brit Ian loses. I'm like, what? It's me. What about it? Yeah, it's embarrassing But this has happened, like to be fair

And to be more balanced Apparently Scottish Labour Missed Scottish At one of their conferences And I think that's worse Because that's their name That's in their name That'd be like if I spell Ian wrong

Which actually a lot of Scottish people do Because they blamed the printing contractor And I thought gosh Michelle Moon will have a crack at anything I mean, spelling mistakes were a proud part of our national heritage. Stonehenge was supposed to be a hedge for storing stuff, and of course, Kinkanute. Yes, they all assembled, some better known than others,

in a big room and argued amongst themselves about who's faithful and who are the traitors, just a regular Conservative Party conference. Conservatives are the moment coming across very much like lobsters in the fish tank of a seafood restaurant arguing over who gets to sit by the window. Right, at the end of our Tory conference round, it's six to Ian and Kate, four to Scott and Aisha. We have a special round now. According to Bloomberg,

Cristiano Ronaldo has this week become the first footballer to become a what? Anyone? Nobel Peace Prize winning? Not yet, but he's got to be. on the list, I reckon. Is it to go back to work as a plasterer? Because he just wanted to feel normal again.

Who have you got to do in the bathroom? Ronaldo. He's a billionaire. Billionaire. First footballers become a billionaire. Who would have thought playing for super-rich oil barons? It'd be so profiting. So in tribute, in this round, we've replaced part of a news headline from this week with Cristiano Ronaldo's name.

So our panellists just have to tell me what the headline should be. So we'll start with this one. Police forces have been given new powers to protect communities from repeated exposure to Cristiano Ronaldo. It's the anti-protest powers, isn't it? Apparently it's the cumulative disruption, isn't it?

Where they're saying that if protest has taken place on the same site for weeks and end, you have to instruct people to hold. it elsewhere, but if it's a picket line at a place you work at, I don't know what you do there. Do you have to have an away fixture somewhere else? Like a Sunday league game, you know. But yeah, and six days notice that you need for a demonstration, but you need no notice for a stationary protest. So I think that's a loophole.

So when the police outlooking, you just move a little bit, then a little bit. So it's a big game of what time is it Mr. Wolf, basically. I think the thing about these protests is that the police are turning up really heavy-handed and it is just a bunch of angry pensioners and I think they need to just realise do not mess with pensioners and I don't know how this ends you know like dawn raids across the country at Morrison's cafes I don't know you know mass arrests at National Trust sites and are on a Sunday or sniffer dogs trying to catch anyone in central London with a bag of where there's originals I don't know where this ends I think you're right there because I know old people they sort of sit around all day just getting

charged up, don't they? In front of loose women, they just get angry. I think we should go harder on protests in this country. I think we should protest like every little thing. Like I was in Paris recently and I was at the bus and the bus wasn't coming for ages. I realized someone had taped up a note and it was like, we're striking because they're trying to change the

bus route. And I was like, the level to strike for the bus route, you know? Might you should have seen in France, I haven't, when the cakes were slightly disappointing. Well, I mean, the police have been given these powers, but what I want from our panelists, if if they were the government,

what new powers would you randomly give to the police? I think they should be allowed, without warning or provocation, to be able to taser a street performer. And, but if it's a human statue and they don't react to the taser, they get amnesty forever. I was going to say critical thinking skills

but I don't think this is going to go down very well I think the problem is I would use it for petty grievances I think that's a problem I think anyone who goes to a petrol station fills up and goes in and does a full week shop instant arrest

do you know what I mean wandering around like it's a fruit market in Sri Lanka you know you're in a Londis on the A1 move I'm sorry, this actually happened, that's why I... As soon as they get the bags for life, coughs on, in the van. I would give the police the power of love, but they'd have to choose between Frankie goes to Hollywood,

Huey Lewis in the news, or Jennifer Rush. Yes, the police have been granted exciting new powers to protect communities from disruption caused by protests. Right, one final question in this round. a record legal claim has been launched due to the unwanted and dangerous presence of Cristiano Ronaldo in three rivers. What's the real story here?

I think this is about this case where thousands of people have signed up for this lawsuit against these major poultry producers and a water company because they're polluting loads of rivers in Wales and apparently it's the worst thing to happen to a Welsh area of natural beauty since Tom Jones discovered fake tan

so it's really, really it's really bad. It's interesting. It's the River Y. They've classified it as unfavourable improving. Now it's unfavourable declining, which sounds like my school report, actually. Apparently it's because of some intensive farming

in that area, particularly poultry. I think it's one big chicken toilet, is what they've said. And scientists, this is incredible, from River Action UK, counted 24 million chickens in the... why catchment area, which was a long day. Ian, are you, do you use rivers often? Oh, well, yeah, I'm a big polluter of rivers.

Yeah, well, I just think, you know, sometimes you think, well, if the water companies can do it, why can't we do it? If you can't beat them, join them. So, yeah, I, um, shit exclusively in the Thames. Yeah, and it, I get weird looks, um, going over Tower, bridge. Has it ever opened?

Yeah, well, because they know me now and when they see me going on there, they start bringing it up, but I've got strong grip. The biggest legal claim ever brought over environmental pollution in the country. More than 4,000 people

want the rivers why, lug and usk cancelled and replaced with cleaner rivers with more modern names. Why lug and usk I think those are the names of the rivers. They might just be the noises that people make after drinking the water from those rivers. Right. Well, that brings us the end of our Cristiano Ronaldo round.

And the scores are now 10 to Ian and Kate. And 10 also to Scott and Aisha. Which leads us to our drinks round. So, can you explain the following scene from an AI-generated kitchen sink drama series written and set in Britain in the near future. Dennis, what's all the time do you call this? I don't know, Marjoram. Is it British supper time?

No, it's 1.30 in the morning and you're drunk. Honestly, darling. I was just doing my bit to help the economy. What? I'd say you, I've not listened to the Arches in a while. But I don't remember that episode. when they were both hammered. It is, the pubs are going to stay open

until the early hours. Do you know what I love about the UK? It just, it never fails to surprise me. You can't get a train on a Sunday, but you can get a pint at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday. Our priority is all out of whack. It's funny, it's the only thing they could think of was like, keep the pubs open, we love the pubs.

But the thing is, I think we've all, it's too late, we've all been Pavlov's dog by the Bell, the last order's bell. Because when I moved to Berlin, I went to this bar once, and he was ringing this bell very often and I thought, oh, it's last order, so I was buying another beer, another beer.

It got to three in the morning. I said, why do you keep ringing the bell? I'm really drunk. And he was like, oh, I just ring the bell when someone tips me. When I hear the last order's door and the bell goes in the pub, I just do one more lap of the pub.

Yes, a cheeky extra sniffter in the pub is going to become a patriotic act of economy supporting heroism of the new government plans that will see pubs allowed to stay open longer. It'll be a boost for the struggle, hospitality sector and for fans of the fragile beauty of a frozen pile of vomit on a street corner glinting on a crisp winter's morning our next question according to new research

what has caused one in three workers to pull a sickie is it like when you stand on a rake and it slaps you in the place is that still happening right how long did you last in that job in the garden centre so it's not that no Is it the thought of a corporate a weedy? That could well be the case. Any other suggestions? Kate? Hangover. Hangover, correct. Yes.

One out of three workers have pulled us thinking due to a hangover specifically at a works event, after a works event. Was this survey done in Dining Street during COVID? Yeah, one in three. Is that higher or lower than you would have expected? I think maybe lower. I thought we were bigger drinkers than that.

It's actually, it's one in two, but the researcher was pissed. as well. They suggest these things all the times they feel they have to, you know, like yoga, crafts, pottery. But I'm a traditionalist. I think you can't be a WhatsApp group

just slagging off the boss. That brings everyone together, I think. Any other suggestions for some non-boos-based social activities to foster? A canoeing trip at the River Y. One in five people also in this research said that they said something to a colleague that they then regretted

whilst drinking at a work event what's the most regrettable thing I know I've said stuff to people but the problem is I don't remember it My issue is one of my colleagues is my wife you see I do a podcast with my wife We record on a Monday So it's been great for us

It means on Sunday we're psychopathically nice to each other As soon as the MP3 saved We're back to normal service I think it's difficult I think you know when you work with someone There's not many married couples in comedy but there are a lot of married magicians and assistants and I think that's because she can hide the tension

because when he's putting the swords in the box and she's pushing them back out that's not how that's meant to go it's difficult to walk out on someone when your legs are in a different box to your body one in three workers admitted a calling in sick because of a hangover after a work social event one of the others is still asleep

and the third one is locked in the toilets at a nightclub wearing a chunder-covered land yard. Right, well, our winners, therefore, are Scott and Ayesha. Congratulations. News is reaching us. American pop gigistar Taylor Swift has released another new album. The Short-A-Wated follow-up to Last Friday's The Life of a Showgirl. Her new album is What I've done since last Friday.

Well, thank you for listening to The News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltiman. Goodbye. The kicking part in the news scores were Ian Smith, Scott Bennett, Kate Checker and Ayesha Hazarika. In the chair was me, Andy's Outsman, and additional material was written by Alfie Pachin, Jane Edwards and Ruth Husker. The producer was Rajiv Kariah, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Greetings, malevolent munchkins, fiendish friends and devilish do-gooders. Welcome back to the home of the oxymoron. Evil genius!

and I'm delighted to be steering the ship that unceremoniously wrenches historic figures from their perfect pedestals so that we can decide whether they're evil, genius or a heavy concoction of the two. It's like the podcast version of telling your kids the ice cream van plays music when it's out of ice cream. Yes, it's evil. Yes, it's genius. Get on board now and listen to evil genius on BBC sales.