Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz Ep7. Heat and NEETs

Episode Date: June 5, 2026

Andy Zaltzman is joined by his panel of political satirists to unpack the critical essays of Tony Blair, the spending habits of Peter Murrell and the SNP, the sweltering heat, social media ban proposals for under 16's and young people in record levels of unemployment.This week’s panellists are Scott Bennett, Cody Dahler, Ayesha Hazarika and Bella Hull.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Angela Channel, Sam Nicoresti, Pravanya Pillay and Peter Tellouche. Producer: Rajiv Karia Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. This is the news quiz. Oh, I've melted. It's been that kind of week. Whilst we pop me in the freezer to recongeal, welcome to this week's news quiz. Dee Zaltzman, welcome to the news quiz. Later on, we will be giving you all tips

on how to tell if your spouse is buying a higher than average number of motorhomes compared with what they usually tends to buy. For example, one instead of none. But first, let's meet our teams, our two teams this week. In tribute to this week's weather and Kirstarmer's prospects as Prime Minister, we have Team Toasty against Team Toast. On Team Toasty, Scott Bennett and Ayesha Hazareka.

And on Team Toast, Bella Hull and Cody Dala. And Scott and Aisha can have our first question. It's exam season. Who turned over their paper this week to see this essay question? Explain what is wrong with the Labour Guffer? in no fewer than 5,600 words. That is Tony Blair, isn't it? It was long, won't it?

It was... Is he still doing his degree? Was that his dissertation? I read the Potter version because I've got a 10-year-old daughter and I want to see a graduate. But it was interesting because he's started a war within the Labour Party out of nowhere,

which is completely unlike him. But he just... It was interesting, some of the things he said about sort of net zero and things like that and, you know, workers' rights, cutting welfare. It did feel a little bit like it was almost aligning himself with reform in a weird way.

Well, no, it did. I was quite surprised. They seemed like pretty standard Labour policies, but he reacted like they'd tried to nationalise Greggs or something. Aisha, what did you make of Blair's return? Well, it was sort of the last thing that the Labour Party really needs right now.

It's got like kind of rubbing salt into a very open wound. And it did have to say, go down pretty badly amongst the sort of Labor faithful. It did make everybody go oh, I don't quite like the look of that care stormer now actually. But I think it's a shame because, look, the Labour Party doesn't often win elections.

He was the last big, you know, successful Labour Prime Minister that we had. And, you know, when you think back to 1997, you know, that was the first time that a Labour Prime Minister had won power from the Conservatives in 18 years. I mean, 1997 was a long time ago. There were no mobile phones.

You know, there wasn't 24-hour media. It was the last time Leonardo DiCaprio was seen with a woman his own age in Titanic. It was a long, long time ago. And the other thing that I loved about it is he did this interview with John Sopal of the newsagents and he went, you know, John, I really don't want to be creating headlines about myself. You're like, that is a bit like Katie Price going, I'm done with plastic surgery now. Just going to age naturally. I feel like Tony Blair's got a bit of a cheek. I feel like being Prime Minister, in the 90s and early 2000s

was a really easy time to be Prime Minister. All he had to worry about was like Jerry Halliwell breaking into number 10 or the Millennium Bug, which may have been the same thing, I don't know. I feel like since he's become Prime Minister, we've been visited by the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

We've had war, we've had famine, we've had death, we've had Liz Truss. Now we've sort of got Starma, who's accidentally become Prime Minister. He's like blinking and staggering into this sort of hellscape, and now Tony's like karate chopping him with, like, his words.

And I feel like this is like the most unforgivable thing Tony Blair has done, which has made me feel sorry for Kirstama. I honestly think in terms of the unforgivable things he's done, it might be Iraq for me. It genuinely might. Do you think there'll be a million and a half people on the streets complaining about Tony about right now?

Definitely. It's kind of vintage vibes. It's the latest 90s trend to come back. I actually, I didn't vote for Tony Blair in 1997 because I was a fetus and also massively right wing. Fetus is so phenomenal, though, won't they? Feed me. But yeah, it's been interesting.

He's been using a lot of football analogies. It's like saying the UK could be relegated from the Premier League of Nations, which I kind of, I resent when people try and use football analogies to explain stuff to me. It's like, obviously, I'm not going to understand. It's like being like, oh, the Iraq war happened, because Saddam Hussein was offside. It's like I'm not...

I don't know. It doesn't really help me and get what he means. But also, in terms of being relegated from the Premier League of Nations, I mean, it's been a while since we qualified for Europe as a country, I think. It's all right.

I think we'll get Turkey in the playoffs. I think we'll be all right. Andy Burnham criticised Tony Blair for not mentioning what in his essay. He didn't say just how cool he was, the vibes of a supply teacher that lets your smoke is roll up. Come on, it's fine, don't worry about it.

I won't sell anyone, come on. Quite right. I used to play bass, come on. You know, they've like informally renamed HS2 Northern Powerhouse Rail, and it's really interesting because that's what I'd like Andy Burnham to do to me. I'm not sure. It never arrived. Any more answers to the question

before we think about that too deeply? Andy Burnham criticised Blair for not mentioning what? I think it was inequality. This has sort of Blair sort of gone down this route of basically saying that Labour shouldn't have brought in any workers' rights, they should scale back net zero, they shouldn't have repealed the oil and gas licences. I mean, he just does sound like that mad uncle at a barbecue

who has like two sips of beer, and then he's like, do you know what I'd do, right? I'd get the immigrants to take down the turbines and get them to use a little fan bits to dig for more oil. That's what I do. It's just unhinged. That is how reform recruit their candidates.

But yeah, Andy Burnham's obviously come out and said, well, you're saying that Labor is sort of not doing a good thing. They're not doing very well. But you're not paying attention to the fact that inequality has eaten away at all of these forces that he said that new Labour have sort of championed. which is like business and sort of investment. And, yeah, Burnham and West Streeting have said,

well, you've sort of missed the point because it's about inequality. So what was interesting was the format Blair used to deliver his message, an essay. So I'm going to ask my panellist, if you had to write an essay to the nation, what would the title of your essay be? And briefly, what would you write?

This is not to do with the news, but I've always thought that if I was to do a PhD, I would do it on the liminal space between monsoon and accessorize. Where does monsoon end and where does accessorize begin? Good luck fitting that into a PhD. I would like to discuss why every parent suddenly needs a trampoline. It's an epidemic. I don't know if you know this. Next time you're on a plane, just look down.

They're like swimming pools. It's now getting to the point where if that plane's in trouble, if you just jump out, you'll be fine. And the wind picks up. chasing it like an idiot in my dressing gown down the street. There's no giant, they never go on it. They've been on it twice. Sorry, that's not the joke, it's just I'm angry.

Yes, this is the news that someone somewhere pressed the reactivate Tony Blair button for reasons unknown. Reform often witter on about getting our history back while they got their wish this week when Blair escaped back into the public domain. The 73-year-old 6-foot former Prime Minister and missed opportunity specialist launched a strongly worded broadside

at the Labour government, and comebacks come in many forms. Of course, Elvis, televised special, Steve Redgrave, getting back in another rowing boat. Celebrity Messiah, Jesus Christ, getting up unexpectedly on a Sunday morning. And Tony Blair, a massive essay slamming his own party's government. He attacked Labour's quotes,

almost infinite capacity for self-delusion. An interesting statement from a man best known for his ability to perceive imaginary weapons. Who chose the hottest May Day on record to advocate for abandoning Net Zero via an essay published from an institute he created that is named after himself. So self-delusion seems to be running strong in that one.

And it's hard for Stama to turn it around, given that not only are other politicians hostile to him, but the media very hostile to him as well, Keir Starmour could save a drowning puppy from a river and give it back to its distraught eight-year-old owner, and some of the media would report it as Stama feeds weeping child to carnivore. Let's move on now north of Hadrian's wall. Who showed a remarkable lack of curiosity what this week?

Nicola Sturgeon? Yes, correct. Showed a remarkable lack of curiosity about her finances, the finances of the SNP. Yes, that's correct. Yeah, Nicola Sturgeon, her estranged husband, Peter Murrell, embezzled £400,000 from the party of which he was chief executive. That was between 2010 and 2022. What were your personal highlights from the list of, frankly, odd things that he...

So many. I mean, first of all, there's the salt and pepper grinders, over two and a half thousand pounds. This is a party that's meant to be salt of the earth. I mean... But I think my favourite one out of everything was the quite swanky pots and pans, the Le Cruise, which is quite appropriate, given that he was a master of cooking the books for all of these years. I love the whole story, because she said she thought it was his own money.

even if my wife and I had separate bank accounts, I think she would have said something when she saw her Christmas Day a week coming through the hallway. I mean, his ringed doorbell saw more action than Andy McNabb. But it was just interesting that I looked at the purchases

and on all the websites, they had to have a drop-down menu. That's how much there was. And they categorised it all. And my favourites, really, from this is there was two Dyson Hair dryers for a bold man. That's when you know that you just spend in money for the sake of it.

And then the best one, this is, he bought a PlayStation 3, an Xbox 1 and Nintendo Switch, along with the games Grand Theft Auto and FIFA, and he's 61. And I think that's incredible. I'd love to see a 61-year-old man play Grand Theft Auto,

because I think it'd fail a mission just trying to find somewhere free to park. You know, trying to outrun the police in a stolen motorhome without going in the bus lanes. I think it's wonderful. I do think that the items on the list, though, do kind of let Nicola off the hook a little bit

because they are all the kinds of items men buy when they're having a midlife crisis. It is just like luxury pans. He bought multiple Swiss army knives. A tool that says it has every tool you need. He bought multiple. I just, I love the image of a sort of Scottish Edward Scissorhands coming down the stairs.

Nicola's trying to do a household task. What's that, Dalton? You want a tiny screwdriver? I've got 17. That's a man who needs... Nicola Sturgeon is absolutely adamant that she saw nothing, she knew nothing. I mean, even though the living room must have looked like

the ground floor of John Lewis, do you know? Because the details are fascinating in it. Like, on October the 4th, 2021, he purchased a heavy-duty bolt. And then on the 10th of October 2021, he purchased a set of bolt cutters. Something bad happened in that canterval. That's not bad.

Yes, this is Nicola Sturgeon's modern twist on the 12 days of Christmas. On the first day of Christmas, my former true love gave to himself some really weird stuff. The former SMPMPM-Jewanourri suggested that Sturgeon had shown a remarkable lack of curiosity, which

seems to be becoming one of the key clubs in the politician's golf bag. It can really help you not get too distracted by, for example, the first few decades of Peter Manelson's career. Aside from the criminality, it's just a bit of an odd call to embezzle 30,000 pounds a year from a political party until you've got

400 grand. The morally correct and legally upstanding thing to do is to find a tech billionaire to just fling money at you. And then you can buy your games consoles, your luxury toilet brushes, your motorhomes, and your onesies, completely guilt. free. The onesie puzzled me. I just

don't think I could enjoy a onesie if I knew I hadn't properly earned the money to buy it. There's no satisfaction prancing around in a wansy if you haven't grafted for it. You want to be lying on your sofa, dressed like a baby thinking, I deserve this. At the end of our UK

politics around Scott and Aisha have four. Bella and Cody have six. Our next question. Who has been on an unexpected holiday to a tropical Island this week. All of us. Correct, yes. Yeah, it's been

tropical in the UK, which is interesting because I know that my life has changed a little bit. Years ago with my mates, we'd have been out, sort of laid out, drinking beer, and I just got a WhatsApp from one of my close mates, and he just went, six loads done today.

Just sent a picture of his washing on the line, and I thought, we are in trouble. That is... But yeah, I mean, what was amazing is everything falls apart, doesn't it? Slight temperature change, it all falls apart. And one train company cancelled services to minimise disruption,

which obviously will do. I mean, it's like me saying to my wife, Gemma, to minimise stress, I've put the children up for adoption. Have you guys enjoyed the heat wave so far? Yes, I mean, my blood has sort of been perpetually boiling because of the geopolitical situation of the last time. 12 months. So the fact it's now 9,000 degrees outside means I'm in a rare state of equilibrium. Any tips for how people can keep cool in the current heat wave?

Yes. I mean, my strong advice is that you keep your socks in the fridge because if you're a men and palsal woman, your shoes will already be there. So that will be very, very, um, the other thing I'd just say is just think about the people from Scotland because they are really, really struggling. And Scottish people are just not made for the heat. Scottish sun tan lotion is the only type that is properly water resistant because it has to be and things are so bad

it's been reported that there are bushfires in Edinburgh which makes me think of very posh ladies in Morningside with a urinary tract infection Yes this was the heat wave to end all heat waves Sorry a heat wave to be a prescient harbinger Of many more similar heat waves to come Quite a literal warm up for the fiery boughs of hell

That many of us are heading towards It's been hot, damn hot, real hot, so hot, that ducks have been falling from the sky fully cooked, wrapped in pancakes with a dash of plum sauce and some cucumber. So hot that Nelson, on top of the conveniently named Nelson's column, has stripped down to his underpants and has smeared all the bird shit over his face to use as sun cream. So hot that the annual cheese rolling in Gloucestershire became the world's first fondue bobsled race. And not just in Britain, tennis players have been fating at the French Open,

the last remaining glacier in Indonesia is disappearing fast, and Beelzebub has officially relocated the far east. bowels of hell to Washington, D.C., which will save quite a lot on transport costs long-term as well. Meteorologists have warned people to look out for medical symptoms, including headaches, dissonous, nausea, vomiting and fatigue, which could be signs of either heat-induced illness or of having watched the news. At the end of that round, it's four to Scott and Ayesha, 8 to Bella and Cody.

Our next round addresses the threats to our young people and to civilization in general posed by modern technology, so to try to counterbalance texts unstoppable evisceration of everything that makes us human, the questions in this round will be delivered using old and or obsolete forms of communication. So the first question in our tech round will be delivered by a messenger on a horse delivering a scroll. And, well, the question, well, unfortunately, some of the ink has smudged on the scroll in transit. So you have to tell me what missing smudged words should be in this headline. Labor is set to announce a crackdown on children. What words are missing there?

This is Labour's social media ban. They are talking about banning social media for the under 16s, because it's making them all mentally ill, kind of based on Australia's model who have done a blanket ban, West Streeting, he's come out and said, we should treat the social media companies like the tobacco companies. And I actually completely agree. I think if you're under 16, when you go on social media, it should have a disgusting brown filter. like they do with the sort of fag packets, you just barely see what you're watching,

horrible brown, and then you'd occasionally get a sort of pop-up image of a man in his 30s, in his pants, scrolling on social media with the words, Kevin hasn't seen another person in 17 days, and he lives at home with his parents. And I think that would solve the problem.

One report found that nine of the ten platforms were just accepting people's word about their age and not requiring any verification. I find it funny that all of these places are like a pub from the 70s, or like Russell Brown outside a sixth form. An alleged sixth form. I think what's really interesting about it is because they all compare it to smoking,

but the difference is, I think we had some retrospective knowledge of the dangers of smoking, whereas I think with social media, like there's a revolution that's, happening in real time that we're all going through together, all generations, and I don't think that's anything we've had before. So there's no like hindsight. And I think a lot of the parents and the adults are just as bad of the kids, really.

We're just as bad. Like my daughter plays football, my youngest, and she scored her first goal the other week, and I missed it, and I was there. But I was too busy on Instagram, liking a post of my mate's daughter, scoring their first goal. So I think the issue is, is really how you change things

and I think the one thing is kids find their parents cringy so I would just say let loose the parents on the kids' social media and I would love to see them comment under all that I got you that jumper you know things like well done in every post and this tune really slaps

words that parents shall never go near and I think they'll quit within the hour but look I do think social media for young people is terrible, particularly young girls. I think there's a lot of bad stuff going on, and I think it's really bad for these young girls, these teenage girls have this device telling them that they're fat, they're not good enough, that they're a massive loser,

because that is what your mother is there for. That is her job. Don't let the tech bros take away all of these women's jobs. Yeah, the government has continued to look at legislation to reduce the damage of social media on younger generations, or at least delay it until they're almost adults. which I guess is a stumble vaguely in the right direction. Because in Australia it came in a few months ago,

and since they banned children from using any social media in Australia, all Australian children have been composing symphonies by the age of nine, like Mozart used to discovering new scientific theories like little Bertie Einstein did, and becoming qualified interior decorators like a young Michelangelo. So no social media, and they're getting stuff done. One final question for this question, our old form of communication for Bella and Cody. is a cryptic oracle given to me by the now-retired former ancient Greek god Apollo.

So you have to interpret my oracle. Multitudes of young people will be neat, yet for all it will be messy. Is this young people out of work? Correct, yes. Yes. Yes. No, who's who yay? I think it's the acronym that is the problem here. Because neat, like it's quite good to be neat. I feel like you want an acronym to sound bad.

And so, I mean, you don't have to be too crazy about it. I've got a few. So if you changed it to not in work or training, the acronym becomes Newort. You don't want to be a new art. And then you could do can't work, can't learn, can't train. That's hulgut. Which sounds like a German insult.

Or you could do one that's just hanging around at her. which is ha which I think is the best if we change the acronym then I think more people would be in work I can see that I can see some

some politicians going for that particularly the ones who are completely unique national treasures I mean it's obviously a bit of a worry the lack of opportunities for young people I mean my heart goes out to them really because it is difficult it's like the perfect storm and it's quite difficult to get that first rung on the ladder in a career

and my daughter's 16 and she wants to be solicitor so as a father I've given her some unpaid work experience and she's really no she's really taken to it she's done my will last week she did my life insurance and then to thank me

she's booked me three helicopter rides over Hellman province but I think that's a joke by the way I think there's a lot of jobs going to AI and tech. And so my answer, I think, to make it easier for them

is to double up on jobs. So, like, you know, like the police, you have good cop and bad cop, quite literally, in the same room. And, like, when you go and see a doctor, you know, one of them cups you, the other one asks you to cough. You split up the rolls. Or when you go, you know, got a GP receptionist,

one of them's absolutely no help whatsoever, and the other's exactly the same. So I do, I do think it's upsetting, really, you don't want that lost generation. I think it's the first time in years. It's 60% or something. It's quite high, really, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, the government have suggested various possible solutions to the youth unemployment crisis, including just waiting for another world war to give our youngsters something to do like we always used to in the good old days. Reducing youth unemployment to a record low by reclassifying existential dread

as a full-time job and also reclassifying all working adults as children if they play games on their phones on their commute to work. You know who you are. So have any of you got any suggestions for what jobs young people? Because a lot of the traditional jobs are no longer there. I mean, it does feel like the easiest way to be successful these days

is to be a NEPO baby. So what you should do is work on your parents to turn them into Oscar winning actors and then just work back from that. I think that's a good idea. Medical trials. Right, okay. I think 16 to 24, prime of the lives.

A lot of spares in that body. You know, it seems extreme, but if you want a career, how much do you want a career? I was wondering if comedians were included in these numbers. Because as a comedian, I'm neither employed in education or being trained. So I figure if comedians aren't included, then I think we should just reframe it and just call all of these billions of 16 to 24-year-olds, give them a work in progress and call them a comedian. That's it. They're not out of work.

They're not neat. or kulkut for haze I think there are loads of ways that people are forgetting that you can make money you know, just like rob a bank steal a horse

like put your nephew on vintage there are loads of ways In bed on the SNP I mean it's affected Saturday jobs as well because that's how far it's got I love my Saturday job I worked in a garden centre and I knew nothing about plants I mean it was ridiculous really

I've lived with my parents, never been in it, in the garden and I just used to meck them up and it was a real joy to watch a pensioner go to the customer service desk and ask for a wispy pubis. It made my dad. It's just, I didn't last long and move me on to Tills. We can't lose that, is what I'm saying.

Well, that means that this week's show is a draw. Some breaking news just reaching us, some details of the clean water bill announced recently by the government for water company executives to get paid at all from next year, they will have to swim a mile in one of their own rivers and then drink a gallon of water out of their reservoirs.

Also, they will be forced to give consumers more choice on the liquids that come out of their taps. So as well as the traditional water consumers will now be able to get milk, cider, gravy, and the mulched down soles of the day. damned. Thank you for listening to this week's news quiz. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Scott Bennett, Bella Hull, Cody Dala and Ayesha Hazareka. In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Angela Channel, Sam Nicarresti, Pravanya Pili, and Peter Talouche. The producer was Rajik Carrier, and it was a BBC studio's production for Radio 4. Political language can seem archaic.

It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. sometimes bamboozling. It's a theme park with a five-foot log flume from one thought to another. And very often, beyond words. I don't mean how to describe the language I use. I'm Amanda Unucci. I'm all reset and turbocharged to stress, test to destruction,

used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message Here with me, Amanda.

Unucci from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science.