Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep8. Flight risks and fly-tips

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

Joining Andy for the final episode of this series are Simon Evans, Zoe Lyons, Cindy Yu and Ahir Shah and not one of them can be deemed a flight risk. Along with the latest on Peter Mandelson’s arrest they discuss how UK politics is no longer a two-party system with the Greens and Reform taking centre stage in Gorton and Denton, why Trump’s State of the Union address could have been mercifully shorter and why the Chagos Islands are off limits.Written by Andy Zaltzman.With additional material by: Mike Shephard and Pravanya Pillay Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Giulia Lopes Mazzu Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is the interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life.

And all the bizarre ways people are using. the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. Welcome to the news quiz. I can guarantee after another disappointing few post-Bafter days at the BBC, this show will be edited hypercautiously this week. Well, let's meet our teams for this final show of the series. This week, historically marked 28 and 3 quarter years since the release of Radiohead's landmark album OKCol. So to commemorate this and to pay tribute to two things Peter Mandelson has experienced recently, our teams this week are Team Karma against Team Police. On Team Karma we have Zoe Lyons and Ahishah.

And on Team Police, Simon Evans and Times columnist Cindy Yu. Our first question, what do we not yet know? How this all ends? Or where or when? Are you referring to the by-election? Are you toying with the audience's sensibilities because they do know at home and you're drawing attention to the time lag

that occurs? As we report, yes. Yeah, that's right. We do not yet know the result of the Gorton and Denton, which I just want to say, isn't it lovely that we are commenting on the Gorton and Denton by election here in the very room where Hancock's half hour was first recorded?

Niche that, but it's BBC. We're recording this on Thursday before the results are out, but fundamentally, if you don't think that Labour will win, you don't know what you're talking about. Fundamentally, if you don't think that the Greens will win, you don't know what you're talking. Fundamentally, if you don't think the reform will win,

you don't know what you're talking about. Now, can you please edit that to make me sound like a genius? Well, it does seem that the Greens are hotly tipped to win. And let's a question go to Ahir and Zoe. Who or what is Smearsville Overdrive? and why was it in the news this week? Smearsville Overdrive is Kid Rock's latest album. It's the campaign that the other parties have spearheaded against the Greens

because they're really worried that they're going to win. And various newspapers have had a real go at Hannah Spencer, isn't it? Who's a plumber, which is, I find that amazing. There's the plumber. I've been looking for a bloody plumber. The plumber is so hard to come by. They're all running for political parties. The Daily Mail had a right bash at her.

She was like, look, she's like, She's gone on holiday and she's a Green member. She's on holiday. We all know that if you've got anything to do with the Green Party, you only have a holiday in a yurt. Every six months, that's it. What was the other thing she was doing? She was photographed near a car.

That was shocking. Near a car. She wasn't in the car. She was just near a car. Look at her near a car, hypocrite. They also say that she's got a property empire. Now, you know, you're thinking, oh my God, Daily Mail says someone who's got a property empire.

How big is this empire? 1.2 million pounds adding up to two houses, basically. Hardly to suffer succession, is it? I mean, you're really digging bottom and barrel there. That does mean that we can still claim that Britain has an empire based on Gibraltar and the Chegos Islands.

It's this idea that if you are standing for the Green Party you should have no wealth whatsoever. You should live in a bin and it should be the recycling bin. There have been sort of accusations that the Green Party in particular have been sort of fermenting sectarianism in this election and in all seriousness so this is not like a uniquely green party thing and it hasn't been historically a uniquely green party thing the Labour Party have done this before the Tories

have done this before and I genuinely think it's really really seriously bad for democracy in general like I remember when Zach Goldsmith was running for London mayor and it was like part of the campaign was desperately trying to convince my mum that Sadiq Khan was going to steal her gold my mum is concerned about bins potholes and crime because she is a normal person. Trying to sort of create a way of ethnic or religious voting blocks is just one dimensionizing, infantilizing, patronising crap and I'm sick of it. But clearly the Greens are doing something right because they actually had no base in this

constituency whatsoever. You know, Labor won this constituency with 13,000 votes in the last election. The fact that they are, Greens are now neck and neck with Labor and reform, it just goes to show, like, someone out there is crying out for a left-wing party. and it was as if Jeremy Corbyn and Zarathana's party would be that one. And yet today they've spent this Thursday, they spent their day electing a 24 member of the Central Executive Committee who can then appoint the party chairman.

So they didn't even have a party chairman yet. And while all this infighting is going, they've literally let a by-election go. It is, I mean, strange world. I mean, if you told me 10 years ago that we'd be living in a world in which in the space of a week, A, Jeremy Corbyn became leader of a political party, for the second time in his career and B, celebrity rapper Snoop Dog

paraded around a football match in Wales alongside a guy dressed as a giant swan I just don't think I'd have believed you Well, reform seemed to be doing well a few weeks ago but it tailed off a little in the betting Zia Yusuf pledged this week that reform will stop what being turned into what

More ex-Torrieu MPs to reform candidates. There's no way he can pledge that. No. Is it Britain into a serious country? That was the unspoken subtext, I think. Any other? Well, it was churches being turned into mosques.

I think apparently half the listed buildings in the country are churches. And I don't know whether listing, as in being put onto a list, rather than tilting sideways. And I mean, I guess it is a worrying trend. And it's sad for those of us who grew up thinking that this was a Christian country, but if you're not turning over business, you know, that's facts of facts. And although I'd sooner see them become moss than another bloody zimba class or whatever. All of the, is it zimba zumber something?

Who act like you don't do it, so. You've been brightened, Simon. I've been dragged in off the street on more occasions. I've seen you striding down the streets of hoving your lips. off to your zimber class. I don't know the extent to which this is actually happening. Like, he's pledged to stop this happening. You don't mean the zumba club.

You mean yes. Simon Ed. I was looking at, like, as far as I could see from what I read, like the Church of England have records of, like, two churches having become Sikh Gurdwara since 1960. And, like, I think that it's really fun to swear that you're going to prevent things that aren't happening in the place.

Like, I pledge to stop Scarlett Johansson becoming my wife. I won't let it happen, guys. So stop worrying. I know she does listen to this show, so you don't let her down a little more sensitively. I mean, the key fact here is that church numbers are dropping, aren't they? Pubs are closing. And I think, well, well, maybe what we should do, these two great British establishments, you know,

the local church and the local pub, we need to marry them up together and have like prayer in a pint. That sort of thing. It does work. Last time I saw the price of a pint, Jesus. Another reform-related question. Danny Kruger, one of the many ex-conservatives

who jumped the sinking Tory ship to team up with the reform iceberg, said in an interview with House magazine, is that music or parliament? That reform could play a role in undoing what revolution? So, weirdly, it's the Velvet Revolution. Yeah, no, I know it's a surprise, but say what you want about him,

but Danny Kruger has always been committed to a unified communist Czechoslovakia. Like, I actually, not many people know this about Danny Krueger and I live near one another. We've got the same local pub. And honestly, like three points he's fine on the fourth, slanging off Watzlaf Havel. You can't stop him. You can't stop him. Fair enough, he's entitled to his views. I mean, it's not what I've got written down here.

Any other suggestions? What revolution? I mean, it's the industrial revolution, isn't it? It's all great before then. No, anyone with the answer? It's sexual revolution. Yes, correct. The way that you were sort of banging on about it, it sounds like we're constantly banging on.

I mean, it's just amazing. He's very into the idea of setting up a society where a man and a woman can live in a house, probably square with two windows at the front, because this is how trad his thinking is, can have children in this society. Apparently we no longer produce children. I mean, we do.

I've seen a few hanging about. They're all imported. Can't make them here anymore. Too much red tape. It's a niche fetish, but whatever work is. But of course, he had to be quite careful in this interview because the interviewer asked him you know would you overturn no-fault divorces

you know how far would you go with this kind of social conservatism and he said no I don't think so because that's not really I personally would overturn no fault divorces but that's not party policy and then you think oh yes because Nigel Farage has been married twice and is now on his girlfriend well probably

not right now on his girlfriend but so he had to kind of roll back because his party leader is not exactly a family man right Danny Kruger's mum's Prulyth right? That's a weird family thing. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, oh, what are you doing? I'm going to try and counteract the decline in Western birth rates

and ensure the future of our civilization. What are you doing, mum? Probably a cake. There's no wonder he wants lots of people to have one in the oven. The other thing he said in this interview was that he lambast civil servants. He says he's going to cut the civil service, and he says that civil servants are posh generalists who float about from department to department making policy at any moment.

Well, I guess only politicians can be doing that, considering Eaton educated. Yes, posh generalists. Post-generists. It's actually my rap name. It's quite a generalisation to make about everyone being generalists. Does they cancel each other out? It's like a double negative, I don't know.

One final reform-based question. Last weekend, who, appropriately enough, was stopped from getting into a place because he was not legally entitled to be there, but then inappropriately enough wasn't happy about that happening. This is Niger Farage at the Chegos Islands. Correct. But he was stopped in the Maldives

and was not allowed to actually go into Chegos Islands, which had the location of Diego Garcia, a top secret military base. But this is the kind of leadership we need. A statesman who will go to the Maldives for a few days. Only to be said, turned away from his actual mission. Am I the only person that thought Diego Garcia played for Newcastle? The thing that confused me was,

I thought we were handing back the Cheagos Islands to Mauritius, and he flew into the Maldives, didn't he? And then when he was there, he was saying, actually, it should go back to the Maldives because architecturally and culturally they are more connected as countries. And I thought, oh God, is he working as some sort of ambassador for the Maldives?

Is that the job he's got? They've got him to... It wouldn't be the most inadvisable ambassadorial position. Well, breaking news is reaching us, an online crowdfunding effort to gain Nigel Farage, access to the Chegos Islands, plus permanent residency there

has just raised £15 billion in his first hour online. Reform also pledged to get Britain breeding again, sorry, to support traditional family structures. They are reportedly on the verge of calling a snap Valentine's Day. Right, at the end of that round is four points all. I hear and Zoe, this is a seven-point question. Who told whom about whose rumoured plan to do, what, where, when and why.

Sorry, what? But potentially it's got something to do with Peter Mandelson. Yes. Getting arrested. And this was because Lindsay Hoyle was in the British Virgin Islands. And he said, someone told me that Peter Mandelson was going to try and run away. Yeah, five. To the Virgin Islands.

So you've got to get him now. Yep. And so the police arrested him. Yes. Seven. Yes. It kind of reminds me of mean girls. Somebody told Lindsay in the toilets

that actually had your father to escape to school today and actually we need to get you right now. Yeah. So Lindsay Hall said he'd heard Peter Manderson was a flight risk and that he might go to the British Virgin Islands. But like if I wanted to evade the British authorities, I'd probably go somewhere that didn't have British in the name.

It doesn't really make sense. Like if Manderson actually wanted to escape, I think that he should go to Sri Lanka. fundamentally, as I looked into this, Sri Lanka, no extradition treaty with the UK, and they're currently co-hosting the T20 cricket World Cup, so it's the ideal location for a veteran spinner. So you get the two-point cricket reference bonus?

I mean, Mandelson was said to be livid, wasn't he? Because he was apparently he had already an arrangement with the police where he was going to voluntarily hand himself in on a designated day, and that's a designated time. And I heard that, I thought, Can you just phone up and go, hello, I'd like to make an appointment with the police, please. Suspected, alleged criminal activity that I may be involved in. I can't do next Wednesday, but I'm available on Friday.

Between the hours of 12 and 2, if I could just pop in and have a word with one of the inspectors then. To be fair, have you seen the Mets clearance rate? At the moment, they'll take what they can get. What's brilliant about this story is that the only reason this has come out is that Lindsay Hoyle volunteered the information that he was the snitch. Because actually... Sneaker of the house. Because actually

Mandelson came out of the interview accusing Lord Michael Forsyth who's the speaker of the lords of being the snitch. And clearly someone in the match got the lord speaker and the speaker of the lords mixed up and told him the wrong person anyway.

But then Lindsay Hoyer comes out and say, no, no, no, it was me. I did it. I snitch. Not Michael Forsyth. Well, sorry, the police told... Yes, that's... The police normally tell someone they've arrested

who dogged them in? So the police have had to apologise to Lord Michael Forsyth for saying it was him. They've had to apologise to Lindsay Hoyer for saying that it was anyone at all. Has he had the title Prince of Darkness? I think he need parliamentary legislation to do that. Yeah.

It's just darkness now. Yes, Peter Mandelson said that he told the police, he would attend an interview voluntarily and insisted he was not planning to leave the country. So you can understand why the police assumed he was definitely planning to leave it. Yes, I understand what Mandelson was not deemed entirely trustworthy. His current predicament suggests he's not so much the boy who cried wolf as the theatrical impresario who promoted Wolf the musical. It's also possible that someone misheard Mandelson's famous, I'm a fighter not a quitter line as I want to flight to North Dakota. To the British Virgin Islands.

Right, after that, it's now 13 to Zoe and I here, four to Simon and C. Some news just reaching us under the new National Interrospective Honesty Scheme. The government has just released the official updated list of actual British values. These are based on the way the country actually functions now rather than the way we like to think it functioned in the past. I just print off the official February list of British values. And, well, a few of the country. the old favourites are off the list, I'm afraid. Respect, tolerance, open-mindedness and fair play.

They've all gone on the list of British values now. Institutional cover-ups. Arguing with our metaphorical fingers and our actual ears. Freestyle blame-throwing and being interested in niche sports once every four years. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is The Interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life.

And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Right. Moving across the Atlantic, Simon and Cindy, who broke what record this week? It's this side of the Atlantic, but I was going to say, Kemi Bajnock for saying Pido Defender for the first time in the House of Commerce. That's certainly the most uses of that term that we've had. Simon, any guess it?

Yes, this is Donald Trump, who delivered a state of the union address, which was the longest ever, I believe, breaking a record previously held by Bill Clinton, which surprised me. But yes, he is leaning into his Castro years now. And it divided the House, I think it's Congress he performs in front of, isn't it?

And half of the Democrats weren't there. The other half barrapped him relentlessly. it's become quite sort of stadium sport style. He's still the great entertainer as far as I'm concerned. But he didn't say anything particularly, I mean, honestly, he didn't watch it for 107 minutes or whatever it was. But I think the big news is tariffs, right, which have not gone up or has not been as bad.

He's been banding back and forth with the Supreme Court where he can get away with. I've got to be honest, I don't buy anything. I have had my own, a Harley-Davidson for some time now, but it's probably disappearing over the hill as it is, you know, to be honest. So I'm not really that bothered about American tariffs, but other people seem to find it quite edgy stuff. Is that the first self-driving Harley-Davidson?

It's going to happen soon, isn't it? Put your feet up on the bars and see, you know, just... Imagine how quickly you can get to Zumba on that? So I did not watch this speech because I value both my time and mental health. So unless I'm told otherwise, I'll assume that it was all normal and fine. For Donald Trump.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. Probably he was just quite gracious. Yeah. Like maybe like thanked his family and stuff like teachers who influenced him. In amongst bashing the Supreme Court, bashing the Democrats, bashing migrants, bashing Iran, bashing the Supreme Court again. Yeah. He also thanked his parents, I think.

But 108 minutes, that's an incredible amount of word salad. Because he's so obsessed. with having a third term. I think maybe sort of a hundred minutes sitting. If I could just keep talking, we will hit the third term. It'll be the best term ever. The most tired in that speech

must have been J.D. Vance, the Vice President, sitting behind Trump. You can see him standing up every time Trump finished a sentence for dramatic pause. J.D. Vance will stand up and applaud. And I just thought, God, those quads on that man. It's kind of odd that.

You got very cross with Supreme Court judges that he himself had appointed. Yeah. I've decided not to pay attention to the goings-on in the new world. It's been disappointing for Trump that the Supreme Court judges he himself had appointed to... It was as if he sort of built his own robot sex doll, and the robot sex doll had then claimed to have a headache. Yes, the state of the union.

Sorry, I've got the tone of voice wrong on that. The state of the union. I address to me. Donald Trump's speech. this week, so a record-breaking 1-hour, 48 minutes of reality challenge rhetorical spewage from the self-styled Don Bradman of deranged bitterness. Yeah, scientists have reportedly calculated that if Trump had been hooked up to a lie-detector machine that gave him an electric shock for every falsehood in his 108-minute speech,

he would have ended up looking like late period Joan of Arc. Well, at the end of that round, it's now 13-6. Right, onto our final round. We are having a speedy Britain round now. Speed is very popular these days after the Winter Olympics. Everything has to be quicker, and attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. So I'm going to put our panellists on the clock for this one. A series of questions about things getting quicker in Britain.

The faster they answer, the more points they get. You've only got 24 hours. Traditionally, not the words you want to hear in a medical context. But why this week was that not the case? Start the clock. GP appointments. Stop the clock. 1.9 seconds.

Ooh. We'll round it up to 2. Take it off from a minute. You get 58 points. Yes, same day appointments at GPs. Yeah. This is going to be an absolute game changer. Fantastic idea.

So now, if you've got a really serious issue, then that very same day, you'll be able to go and see a GP who will tell you that the referral will take six to nine months. It's very exciting. Shouldn't they just sort of see people with the same condition on the same, like, can't they do like a sort of collective?

It's a good idea, yeah. Piles Day at the... So true story, my partner had glandular fever last year and he got diagnosed by Chad GPD before 1-1-1 managed to diagnose him because he just had a fever in the first few days and Chat-GPT knew immediately, this is glandular fever, mate. You've got to go to the hospital. Got worse, the doctor said it was glandular fever, so now he only ever goes to chat GPT.

On Piles Day, you would employ a chat bot. Yeah. You're a credit to our profession. Thank you. I'll see a low bar and I'll go under it. Yes, a new GP contract effective from this April will legally require 90% of urgent patient request to receive a same-day appointment or assessment. The government is seeking to end the 8am scramble. so-called for appointments.

They controversially rejected a proposal to extend the 8am scramble as far as 802am. That was rejected. They also rejected another proposal to change the phone scramble to a physical scramble broadcast live on national television. And rejected a proposal to give the Archbishop of Canterbury

performance-enhancing drugs and tell her to pray harder to make everyone better. Three proposals, I've done my bit. Right, one final, speedy Britain question now. fastest answer wins. New government guidance this week was issued suggesting that who should be named and shamed. Start the clock. Fly tippers. One second. Stop the clock. So that's 59 points. There's a, well, there's an episode. Fly tippings actually, technically, the fastest growing participation sport in the UK. So, I mean, this is a bit of a concern. Yeah, it's a real problem.

And they think that it's actually organised crime, people who are paid to do. do this kind of illegal disposal of rubbish. And when the Labour Minister was announcing this policy or this kind of policy direction on the radio this week, she said that they were going to clamp down on waste cowboys. Now, I thought the point was to name and shame them, not to make them sound really cool. Because I would love a badge saying, waste cowboy.

Some people call me the waste cowboys. It's organised, like, films and stuff makes being a gangster seem really cool. Are you're saying that in reality it's mainly disposing of a fridge in an irresponsible manner? I did find it funny though when one of the ministers said they were going to clamp down

on these fly tippers, these professional fly tippers seize their vehicles and crush them and I thought, and where are you going to dump that? The very sweet thing about the story is that there was a competition in Nolsley where the school kids were asked to name recycling lorries to kind of promote rubbish awareness I guess and so they're now

lorries around town called Oprah Bimfrey and Bin Diesel and that's just going to show that kids are really creative because if you'd given it out to the great British public in general they would have said Bini McBinface and yet my suggestion of Osama bin Laden was yes well as I said flytipping is one of the fastest growing sports in the

UK team GB actually set for a strong placing at the world fly tipping championships Great Britain up against Brazil in tomorrow's quarterfinal if they can keep the raining world flytip of the year garbage Genio quite. They're in business. Personally, I do not fly tip, unless the fly has given me

especially good service. You vomited on my food politely and unobtrusively, and then you didn't spend 20 minutes flying into a light bulb. You just flew out of the window. Have an extra 12%. Right, so the final score,

71 to Zoe and are here, 62 to Scyt and Insleeve. We're off for the next six weeks. I want one prediction for what will happen before our next series starts towards the end of April? AI Armageddon.

And it will still be raining. I'll hear, prediction. I think we're probably nothing much. I think we're due a break. There's been a lot on. I've been a lot on. I predict that Trump will... He enjoyed his performance

of the state of the Union speech so much that he's going to put it on again. And it'll run for the fourth. six weeks. Well, we'll have full updates on whether or not any of those come true. Thank you very much for listening. Until April, goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz was Zoe Lyons, Simon Evans, Cindy Yu and Ahir Shah.

In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Mike Shepard and Pravanya Pile. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Strong message here with me, I'manda Yanucci. Your weekly guide to political language and the people who use and abuse it. What are they talking about? Yes, we're back, building very much in our solid achievements so far,

returning with a spinning carousel of co-presenters, including Ria Lina and Stuart Lee. People must say this to you all the time. It's like something out of it. Thick of it. Translating those buzzwords and slogans, investigating whether they're meant to deceive, distract or disturbers. It feels like Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Helping you spot the verbal tricks of the political trade.

Strong message here with me, Amanda Unucci from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science. This is not the future we were promised. Look, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is the interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life.

And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.