Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 14th May 2021

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Andy Zaltzman presents a look back at the week's headlines with Danny Finkelstein, Zoe Lyons, Catherine Bohart and Darren Harriott.This week, the panel dissect the Queen's Speech, unpick the local election results, and enjoy a rare quickfire round.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Max Davis, Rajiv Karia and Hannah Platt.Producer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Production Coordinator: Cherlynn Andrew-Wilfred Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before we start this week's edition of the News Quiz, I am required to ask anyone listening at home to show their photo ID to their radio before they're allowed to listen. All done? Well, good. We have to do that to get rid of the people who don't. before they're allowed to listen. All done?

Well, good. It's just we have to do that to get rid of the people who don't. Sorry, to make sure that everything is completely above board. Welcome to the now entirely corruption-free News Quiz. Hello, everyone. I'm Andy Zaltzman. Have you all had a good week? Yes! Oh, you have? Oh.

Personally, I prefer weeks that don't involve a massive and terrifying upsurge in violence in the Middle East. But, you know, each to their own. I'm not going to judge you. Time to meet our teams for this week. We have Team Long Overdue Hug against Team Long Overdue Inquiry. On Team Hug, we have Zoe Lyons and Darren Harriot. And on Team Inquiry, we have Catherine Bohart and Danny Finkelstein. And our first question goes to both sides. Which prominent reigning British monarch

and constitutional neutrality magazine's reigning non-executive figurehead of the year... LAUGHTER ..read out which famous currently serving prime minister's bucket list at the state what-ing of what this week? Anyone? That was the Queen's speech, obviously. Correct, yes. I'm very disappointed. I got to spend that at home, wotting of what this will be. Anyone? That was the Queen's speech, obviously.

Correct, yes. I'm very disappointed. I got to spend that at home, because obviously, when Parliament's sitting, I can go into the chamber and wear one of those big red ermine cloaks. And I had to sit at home wearing a dressing gown, which was, well, not ermine, but polycotton and multi-fibre. It costs £180 to rent one of those, unless you're very rich and you have one of your own. I did once complain about it a bit at times,

and somebody sent me one that I could wear. When I posted it back, I had to go to one of those box shops, you know, and parcel it up. And as I took it out to put it in the box, the woman goes, oh, it's Father Christmas. Danny, what kind of fan base do you have? And also, if any of them are listening, I would like to complain about the current price of handbags. That's terrible. Even the Queen didn't wear her full garb this time, did she? She left the crown at home and the gowns at home. And

I think we can learn from that. We're all just easing out of lockdown because it's been months since she's been in anything other than tracky bums, I would imagine. I'm such, like, a millennial who just watches online videos. When I watched the Queen's speech, at the end of it, I expected her to say, like and subscribe to my channel!

end of it, I expect her to say, like and subscribe to my channel. Catherine, you're not from the UK, you're from Ireland, which is an estranged continent called Europe or something. What do you make of this ancient democratic ritual? I mean, I think it makes total sense, Andy, right? So Britain likes to tell the world it's the greatest democracy that's ever been. So you don't get your elected leader to spell out the government plan to the people. That would be crass. And frankly, it would be American. Right. You don't do that business. You are much more inclusive. And I love that about you. Like, I love that this country gets a nonagenarian from the local area to rock on down. She'll bring her elderly son and his wife for no explicit reason

and she'll read some government propaganda. And she'll read that propaganda to a room full of elderly men. And all of that happens in a room where we can't be entirely sure that the old men won't kill the elderly woman with gunpowder. So we keep one of those old men

in her house for collateral at the same time. And I don't know why anyone would think that's strange, Andy. I certainly can't think of an easier way to do it. Makes total sense. And before the Queen's speech, there's literally a group of people dressed in fancy costume who go around and look for the gunpowder. Honestly, I promise you, I've seen it myself. To check that no one's going to blow up the house

just as the Queen is delivering her address So did that come in after the gunpowder plot or did they just have one bad year? One mistake, that's all anyone remembers, one mistake I'm always amazed at how shoddy the speech looks It looks like somebody sort of just wrung it off a printer like five minutes before, doesn't it? It's not even laminated It looks like a programme of just wrung it off a printer like five minutes before, doesn't it? It's not even laminated.

It looks like a programme from an Amgram theatre production. But Zoe, it used to be written on goat skin, but I think that when you're talking about animal rights, you have to downgrade to paper. And one of the highlights always is Black Rod banging on the door. Black Rod, like so many important national figures, regenerated as a woman for the first time a few years ago, although I still think Tom Baker was the best Black Rod.

It highlights the need to modernise Parliament. In fact, we're still using Black Rod to start things up. When you can get an electronic doorbell with 50 different chimes for £10. Surely that's a saving worth making, if only for the joy of having the Queen pitch up to the State Opening of Parliament, having to fetch the MPs herself before she presses the buzzer on the door, and this happens.

Right, I've realised this doorbell... I genuinely have an electronic doorbell. It goes on for a long time. I'm going to have to let it play through. And you've answered your own question there, Andy. That's why they don't do it. Yes, this was the state opening of Parliament to where the Queen, dabbling in her intermittent role as the nation's official voiceover artist,

karaoke's out the government's latest legislative programme. On the subject of the Queen's speech, let's look a bit more at the detail of it. This question can go to Team Inquiry, Catherine and Danny. What did Keir Starmer call unforgivable in the Queen's speech? Failure to include social care policy. Correct. Basically, this is

everyone wants the government to announce this policy so that everyone can be against whatever's announced. I think that's the general principle. We've got basically a pay-as-you-earn tax system and a pay-as-you-go social care system. They've got basically a pay-as-you-earn tax system and a pay-as-you-go social care system. And they've got to develop something else,

but no-one's quite sure what. But I kind of love this situation because Starmer's situation is he's like, look, two years ago you stood on the steps outside Downing Street and you promised us a plan, give me the plan. And the problem is I think that Boris made the mistake of saying he had one. We've all done that, right? We've all been like, yes, I have a plan. Oh, you want it? You want it?

Should I say... Yeah, he put a note in his Google calendar that said, make plans. I get it. I'm a procrastinator. I get it. What he's done is, he's done what I usually do, is I go, I must sit down and put together some sort of plan for social care.

And then you just notice the dust on the sills, and you're like, oh! Yes, it's the lack of a plan for social care, an issue Johnson pledged to fix when he became Prime Minister back in 2019. Oh, 2019. Remember 2019. Those were the days. No, the extraordinary thing is there were nine words which were social

care proposals will be brought forward. And in fact that's the truth is social care proposals will not be brought forward. So they had nine words and they weren't even right. Zoe, for a big issue, do you think nine words is enough for an issue of this magnitude? I think nine words is quite a lot from Boris, isn't it?

He's like, well, that's practically a dissertation. Social care is clearly a huge problem. Let me illustrate why it's such a huge problem. I'm going to ask this question to our online audience. Who wants to carry on living to a ripe old age and be well looked after in their dotage? That's why this is a tricky issue. This whole issue, social care, is like Boris Johnson's

private life. Very complicated, ruinously expensive and has been allowed to spiral out of control for decades. Another question related to the Queen's speech. Let's give this to Team Hug, to Zoe and Darren. Former Conservative Cabinet Minister David Davis described the government's plans to require voters to show photo ID as a what in search of a what?

Is it a bouncer in search of something to do? It's a good guess, but not quite right. Photome booth in search of new business. David Davis described the plans as an illiberal solution in pursuit of a non-existent problem. Is that a fair analysis, Danny, do you think? I love this policy because of the crime it's connected to. Someone was convicted for voting twice in the European parliamentary elections.

I mean, imagine going down for that. It's embarrassing enough what party's admitting, you voted once in the European parliamentary elections. You're not going to get in the criminal aristocracy, are you? What are you in here for? Well, I'm voting twice for the Liberal Democrats in the European parliamentary elections. A lot of people don't have photo ID. I know this because I worked for about 10 years as a bouncer. You know, you'd ask people for their ID. And the best one I had was this guy went,

oh, when I was a kid, I used to play with pugs. And I was like, that's not ID. And he goes, yeah, but it means that I was born in the 90s. And I was like, you know what, you can come in. One of the things that you can do is bring a gun licence in order to get a vote. It's like you can literally go up and go, I'm warning you, I've got a gun. And they'll go, all right, you can vote then. We have a very basic voting system in this country, don't we?

I mean, a lot of countries have sort of gone electronic. We still, it's essentially just one up from ordering something at Argos. Ruth Davison, former Scottish Conservative leader, described the plans as total bollocks. Yes, but what does she really mean? I think it's a Scottish term for haggis. Boris Johnson himself, he once wrote that if anyone asked to see his ID card,

he would do what in front of them? I think it was pole dancing, wasn't it? He's had lessons, apparently. It's going to take a few elections to get rid of that image. He said he would eat it. He would eat his ID card in front of them.

The Electoral Commission found that in all elections in 2019, encompassing not just the general election but local and European elections too, there were only 595 cases of alleged electoral fraud, leading to four convictions and two police cautions. However, I don't know if the police investigated it properly because I heard a rumour that one of the parties involved in the 2019 general election

got 43% of the vote, but somehow managed that into 56% of the seats. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Listen, I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, but I've also heard that the House of Lords, maybe you can confirm this Danny, is elected by 0.00%

of the electorate, if I round that down very slightly. The representative of the Prime Minister justified the voter ID plans by comparing it to taking out a library book, which doesn't require photo ID. But to be fair to the government, they have been trying to solve the problem of fraudulent borrowing of library books through the highly effective measure of closing down the libraries. Problem solved. The government has suggested that free photo ID will be made available and just as we record, I'm just hearing they've just awarded the contract to make the new free photo ID to a mate of Matt Hancock's

who's got a Polaroid camera and a sandwich toaster that he reckons would probably work as a laminator if you scrape the burnt cheese off the edges first. sandwich toaster that he reckons would probably work as a laminator. If you scrape the burnt cheese off the edges first. Any other highlights from the Queen's speech for any of you? There was a big focus on animal sentience and providing animal rights, which obviously meant that they also had to be like, and I guess we'll ban conversion therapy because you can't recognise the humanity of animals

and not the humanity of gays. Fine. But I thought the ban on conversion therapy is interesting because it's obviously a terrible policy, but also that is conversion, not banning it. Just to be clear where I stand on this, I should say, big old queer. But the point is, where I stand on this, I should say, big old queer. But the point is,

it strikes me as odd, like they're going to confer with the public on it still, which I think is fascinating. Like there's no good argument for conversion therapy. The only people who want it are the parents. It's only the parents who care, which is mad because they're the ones who caused the kids to be gay in the first place.

You know what I mean? Like just be a better parent. You know what I mean? Like, just be a better parent, you know what I mean? Then we wouldn't be gay. But the point is, my issue hasn't ever so much been the reality of conversion therapy. It's the lack of equality. If there was also conversion therapy for heterosexuals, that would be fine.

Like, a sort of a, you know, a sort of a one-in-one-out policy, so to speak. I was a little gay kid and my mum was what I think was an early advocate of the conversion therapy in its most pure form and she used to try and put me in dresses and, um... Oh, it never looked good. Now,

I've got a Jack Russell and sometimes I put a Nana wrap on him and I get the flashback of what I... Why have you put me in this? Yes, animals are to be formally recognised in law as sentient beings capable of experiencing emotions such as pain, joy, confused feelings about postman's trouser legs and, mentioning no foxes that live on my street, the tingling excitement of depositing a strategically placed turd in someone's doorway.

We are, we are told, an animal-loving nation, which sits uneasily with the fact that we are also a nation that eats over six billion sausages a year. So maybe we're not entirely in a position to get on our metaphorical high horse about animal rights, especially if there's a reasonable chance we've eaten part of the high horse's horse kids in one of those sausages. Campaigners, meanwhile, have expressed disappointment at the ban on conversion therapy, which claims to change someone's sexual orientation or gender identity, has been delayed. Some have suggested a pray-away-the-delay system, but apparently it's ineffective and harmful. And it's not entirely clear why it's been delayed now,

or indeed why it was delayed when they passed the legislation that stopped people dunking witches in ponds and using heretics as barbecues. But there you go. That's just the way politics works. So that brings us to the end of the Queen's Speech section, and the scores are three to Team Hug, six to Team Inquiry. And we recorded last week before the results from the elections last Thursday came in,

so let's look back a little on the results and their implications. This question first can go to Team Hug, to Zoe and Darren. Who claimed to believe in whom or what 100% this week? Is it Bill Gates' belief 100% in his new Tinder profile? Again, it's close. Any other suggestions? Is it something to do with Keir? Yes.

Is it belief in Keir? Oh, fun. Was it Angela Rayner saying she had... Yes. OK. Angela Rayner said she had 100% belief in Keir Starmer, who, after the disappointing results in Hartlepool, took 100% of the responsibility for Labour's poor showing

and then fired her. A hospital pass of sorts to Angela, who is now Shadow Secretary for the Future of Work, which just sounds made up, doesn't it? Particularly after you've just been sacked. When she said she was 100% Belen Kirsten, I thought that is like Brutus was 100% behind Julius Caesar, I think. But also, it totally is a made-up job.

I mean, Shadow Secretary for the Future of Work. But it's quite a nice cover for the situation, right? Because it's like, of course you'll still have a job, Angela. You're Shadow Secretary of the Future of Work. Your future of work is this job. And the future of work is you, and you are the future of work. In future, you will have work for you, or the Shadow Secretary of the Future of Work.

I mean, he styled it out. I thought he styled it out. It was amazing. she got all those titles that she didn't even have to donate to the Conservative Party. I also think, like, Hartlepool's a really good example of shock and outrage where there really plausibly shouldn't be. Like, you're talking about Labour running a guy who had previously lost his seat

and is a Remain voter in a Leave area. Like, who was like, that's the guy, that's the guy? Like, he's not your star player. You know, I don't know. It was like when British people are shocked they don't win Eurovision. I just, it's like... It was never going to happen. It was never going to happen.

It was never going to happen. I feel like you've got to have personality. And I feel like that's what's really missing with Keir. He's so boring. Like, I had my TV on mute and he was talking, and it felt the same. He's unfortunate in that he looks like he's permanently going to burst into tears.

He's like a menopausal woman. I recognise that look in his eyes. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm hot and cold. Sad. Angry and sad and hot and cold. Yes, in classic Labour style,

Angela Rayner said people didn't know what Keir Starmer stood for in last week's elections, but that she still believed in him 100%. Many Labour supporters have said they don't think Starmer can win a general election, but that apart from that, he doesn't have any of the other qualities they look for in a leader. Starmer himself said he would take responsibility for Labour's failures. Has he learnt nothing from a year in opposition to Boris Johnson? You do not take responsibility. The can is not something you're supposed to carry

as a political leader in the 21st century. No, you take the can, you pour whatever is in the can into someone else's car boot, you set fire to it, you kick the can as far as possible down any available road, and then you waltz off saying nothing to do with me. Watch and learn. For Boris Johnson, prove once again, he does split opinions. Some people love him, some people really don't love him.

He's like that picture on the internet from a few years ago when some people looked at it and said, that's a blue dress, but other people looked at it and said, the stench of corruption has become entrenched in our system. Different opinions on the same thing. And moving on, who this week proved himself to be like

Superman, in that he illustrated the dangers of getting caught up doing business with someone called Lex. What he does can't be properly explained without a massive suspension of disbelief. He zips around the world and engages with highly dubious people. It would be really nice if he could turn back time and his use of phones is really weird.

Who's the Superman? It's Mr Cameron. Correct. Oh, God, texting like every one of our dads. The worst part about it isn't even the corruption. It's the genuine awkwardness. I guess it's like your worst case scenario, right, where your Tinder messages

are released and everyone gets to read them. Except he has picked objectively and exclusively unattractive people to message. So it's like... Therefore the desperation can only be viewed in that prism. Like, to have to text Gove and say, be free, be free.

Like, to be that thirsty for Gove is just bleak. To Rishi, Rishi, ready to speak when you are. Like, he's free, you know what I mean? We've eaten now, we've helped out, he's free. He's just not answering, Dave. Like, it's just... If you've been Prime Minister and then nobody's returning your calls,

it really must hurt. It's like, I used to be queen of this gang of girls and now he's just ignoring me, bitches. It must be so wrong. Yes, David Cameron, the reigning British legacy of chaos lever of the year, has stepped up his campaign to scoop an unprecedented sixth consecutive title. He faced MPs

this week in a public accounts select committee and was grilled regarding his lobbying on behalf of Greensill Capital. He had said previously he welcomes the Greensill lobbying inquiry, very much as one might welcome a routine colonoscopy. You know it's something that simply has to be done, but you're still terrified about what might be revealed, and it's going to be, at best, an uncomfortable process.

Let's move on now with the scores now tied at six all. This question goes to both sides. What really terrifying story in one of the world's most intractably troublesome regions is a very, very difficult one to find an angle on in a topical comedy panel show? It's a rough one. Any suggestions?

Is it the Middle East? That's all I have to say. It is, correct. Yes, it is. It's pretty bad. It's a rough one. Any suggestions? Is it the Middle East? That's all I have to say. It is. Correct. Yes, it is. It's pretty bad. It's a very complex situation. Danny, I know you're something of an expert on Middle East politics. I'm just going to throw this one.

I am. I live in Pinner. Isn't the Middle East not the middle of anything? It's not the east of anything, either. Did you think I was broadcasting from IFA or something? So I'll look out the window, Andy, and tell you what's happening. Yeah, they seem to be firing rockets from the Alpine dry cleaners and that kind. It's all to do with Harrow Council's policy of eviction.

So you think there should be a two-state solution between Harrow and Pinner? Is that essentially what you're trying to do? You don't know your Harrow. That's completely geographically illiterate. Hatch End and Pinner. I've noticed with what's going on in the Middle East, it gets really crazy on social media,

especially with the posts from people. My friend put a post up and he was getting all these messages from people just saying, free Palestine. And he messaged me and he went, oh, I'm just trying to sell CBD oil. There was a very similar sort of outcry at Jameela Jamil not saying something. And essentially, she said that when I do this kind of statement, I get incredibly horrific harassment.

And it's like, it feels like we could hold our political electives to the same standard as we do celebrities. It's like, it's odd that this happens in the Middle East. And then people are like, use your T4 credentials to make peace in the Middle East. It's like, what's happening? People are like, use your T4 credentials to make peace in the Middle East. It's like, what's happening? It's, well, it is the latest actually from the UN Security Council. They've just passed a new resolution, Resolution 2574, which says... Ah, God.

Ah, gee. Everyone just... Ah. Ah. Ah, ah, gee. Everyone just, ah. Calm down, calm down. If the history of the last, oh, let's say 6,000-odd years is anything to go by, this story is not especially likely to conclude with the words, and they all lived happily ever after.

And all eyes are now on Mount Sinai to see if God is going to break his rather unhelpful silence on the Middle Eastern-related issues. I'm just following the live video stream now and, um, still nothing, still nothing. The score is now 8-6 to Team Inquiry. Well, that brings us to the final round of this week's news quiz. It's a quick-fire quiz involving punchlines, factual punchlines.

I'm going to give you a set-up, and you have to tell me the factually accurate punchline. For example, what's red then blue? The answer would be the parliamentary seat of Hartlepool. So I'm going to give you the set-up. You tell me the punchlines. The set-up is, what did the sachet of ketchup say to the plank of wood and the chlorine?

Any suggestions? Sashet of ketchup say to the plank of wood. No, the correct answer is we are all running in short supply in the USA currently due to various factors including the Covid pandemic's impact on the global supply chain. Ba-dum-tsh!

Right, next one. Here's the set-up. What's the difference between a cat and the lead singer of the rock band Skunkinancy wearing a hat made of fried potatoes? Skunkinancy can't get through my flap. Take your word for that, Zoe. The correct answer is one is going to have chips implanted under their skin,

the other is skin under some chips. Next set-up. Knock, knock. Who's there? Radovan Karadzic. Radovan Karadzic who? Who is now in prison in the UK. Correct! Yes, that is it. Radovan Karadzic who? Who is now in prison in the UK. Correct, yes, that is it. Radivan Karadzic now in prison in the UK. There it is, that's one point.

That could be crucial. And finally, what's brown and sticky? No, no answers there. The correct answer is the last Labour Prime Minister and the electoral situation the current Labour leader now finds himself in. That brings us to the end of the quiz. That crucial one correct answer has given the victory to Team Hug with nine over Team Inquiry with eight.

Just some very distressing breaking news reaching us. The United Nations has announced that all necessary recipes for Just some very distressing breaking news reaching us. The United Nations has announced that all necessary recipes for and variations on cake have now been baked. Thank you very much to our panellists this week, to Catherine Bohart and Danny Finkelstein, to Zoe Lyons and Darren Harriot. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz

were Catherine Bohart, Danny Finkelstein, Darren Harriot and Zoe Lyons. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Hannah Platt,

Max Davis and Rajiv Gharia. The producer was Gwynne Rees-Davis and it was a BBC Studios production.