Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 16th April 2021

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Andy Zaltzman squares up to the week's headlines with panellists Hugo Rifkind, Susie McCabe, Daliso Chaponda and Lucy Porter.Panellists lobby for points as they answer questions on the Greensill affair and the theft of a giant rabbit.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Simon Alcock, Tasha Dhanraj and Jenan Younis.Producer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. I am Andy Zaltzman and I have a question for you. A brand new series of which quiz about the news began eight seconds ago? I'm going to have to hurry you. No one? Well, the correct answer is the News Quiz. Well done to

everyone at home who got that one right. Better than our live audience joining us through the wonders of the internet. So welcome to the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and what I say goes. Nowhere in particular most of the time. We left the last series of the News Quiz in February on a bit of a cliffhanger. Would everything in the news be sorted out in the next few weeks?

And I can exclusively reveal no. So we're back. We are back. The news quiz is still needed. Joining me this week we have on team Easing Back to Normal, Lucy Porter and Deliso Shaponda. And taking on

team Easing Back to Normal, it's team Sleasing Back to Normal, it's Team Sleazing Back to Normal, who are Hugo Rifkind and Susie McCabe. This is our first question of the series. Who texted whom to ask for what? And let's start with Team Sleaze on this one, appropriately. LAUGHTER to ask for what? And let's start with Team Sleaze on this one, appropriately. So, I think David Cameron texted Rishi Sunak to say,

I've just woken up in the desert wearing a suit. Dude, what the hell did we do last night? It's basically correct. I actually think this is my favourite story of the week. There is a government worker in north-eastern China who was being harassed by text messages and so whacked the person with a mop. They whacked their boss with a mop. Which you would hope happens

every time someone sends you dodgy text messages. So you're saying that's what Rishi Sunak should have done to David Cameron. That's what Rishi Sunak should have done. Lucy, I know you're a massive fan of government sleaze, so you must have been very excited by this story. I kind of am. I mean, Tory sleaze, it's like going back to the 90s, isn't it?

We're going to have Brick Hop back. Sexy, charismatic figures like David Mellor and Edwina Currie. I can't wait. Bring it on. It's basically everything he said that Britain absolutely had to not do anymore when he was Prime Minister, he then went on to do. Pretty much

everything. There was the kind of we absolutely mustn't start another war in the Middle East. Oops. You know, there was, I believe it would be catastrophic if Britain leaves the European Union. Oh, what have I gone and done? And then there was a, he actually said the next scandal in British politics is lobbying. And it's like, oh, butterfingers. I mean, actually, he was wrong, because there have been about another eight since then.

And I think it now behoves us all to go trawling back to look for other things David Cameron said mustn't happen, because they will. They will. All of them. Every one. So not to be competitive. As an African, I think this is a very low level of corruption.

It's very, like, very... What amounts to getting British outrage? The man works for this company and he starts lobbying. If I hired an ex-prime minister and they refused to use their connections, I would fire them. There was a bit of me that was thinking, when I first heard this story,

I really hope he's working for the T-shirt manufacturer in Turkey who made all the PPE for the start of the pandemic. He's just saying to Matt Hancock, you know those fake Lacoste aprons and ventilators? Is there any chance you could pay the guy that made them? We like to think in Britain we have cronyism and corruption largely under control, and that's because, very cleverly, we've basically legalised it with things like the House of Lords

and the first-past-the-post system that basically gives a disproportionate amount of seats to some parties that in other more corrupt countries would cost an absolute under-the-table fortune. The secret to all of this is loopholes, right? It's loopholes in the law. What Cameron wasn't allowed to do was be a paid lobbyist for any sort of company. So what he did instead was work for the company and, oh, look, I've done some lobbying.

It's completely different. It's a completely different thing. And so recently, in the last couple of days, it turns out it wasn't just him who was working for Greensill, this company. It was other people at the heart of government. There was a senior civil servant, I think Bill Crothers, who was working, it turns out, not only for the civil service but also for Greensill at the same time, which meant when he left the civil service and kept on working for Greensill, he didn't need to declare that he'd, but also for Greensill at the same time, which meant when he left the civil service

and kept on working for Greensill, he didn't need to declare that he'd gone to work for Greensill because he was already working for Greensill. It's a bit like if you're walking towards the exit of a shop with a T-shirt in your hand and a security guard says, are you going to steal that? And you can say, absolutely not, and be telling the truth because you've got another one in your bag.

I mean, they do, because we've even got a word for it. We're so used to it. They call it the chumocracy, don't they? Which is sort of the chumocracy. And given that most people in government went to the best possible schools, it's not just a chumocracy, it's a pedigree chumocracy. I mean, when it comes to lobbying, there's calls for an official inquiry.

The government said there will be a report. I mean, essentially, when the government says there's going to be a report, that's the flowers from the petrol station stage. I know they've done something wrong, but they don't want to fully admit it yet. But for those of you not familiar with lobbying, I'll give you a quick rundown of what lobbying is. I mean, of course, hashtag not all lobbying, but also hashtag still quite a lot of lobbying.

For those unfamiliar with it, lobbying is very much like protesting, but indoors instead of outdoors. Instead of shouting so everyone hears, you whisper so no one hears. And instead of waving a placard, you wave a suitcase of £20 notes. And instead of getting kettled by the police, you get behind-the-scenes influence with the Cabinet and probably a New Year's honour. So they're quite different.

The other major difference is one works and the other doesn't. I don't know if I'm just morally great. You didn't describe anything wrong to me right there. I was just like, this is a very efficient way to get things done! In terms of official inquiry, what else would you like to see official inquiries into at the moment? The plot of Line of Duty. I'd like to know what's going on there.

That's got well out of hand. Someone needs to answer for that. What else? Maybe we could have... Whether we should have Christmas again once it gets warm because it didn't really happen last time. What, call a snap Christmas? Call a snap Christmas, yeah. Maybe in July. That'd be good.

Yes, this is the story of the Greensill schmuzzle and a promising sign of a return to pre-Covid normality. We've at last had some news about a high-ranking politician in a sleazy lobbying scandal rather than merely Covid. So that's something to cling to. David Cameron, the former Prime Minister, proved once again that he still has the anti-Midas touch. Everything he touches

turns into something that is considerably less shiny and considerably less fragrant than gold. And... This week it was also revealed that top civil servant Bill Crothers joined Greensill Capital as an advisor while still working for the government. See, it's not just zero-hours workers who have to take on multiple jobs to make ends meet.

It's top civil servants and millionaire financial advisors as well. As they say, I guess, civil servants are like stomach bacteria. If you find out their names, it's generally a sign that something indigestible is happening. find out their names, it's generally a sign that something indigestible is happening. So that is two points to Team Sleaze plus an extra two points for asking for more points before the show

and paying me a bit of extra money, so that's four points. Let's move on now to question two, and this goes to Team Ease. Which BBC TV ratings smash hit sparked a record number of complaints, which in turn sparked further complaints about those complaints? Could the answer not be any show?

Because the British national pastime is complaining, and everything gets complaints. In fact, as I'm speaking now, somebody is complaining about the news quiz. There's everything. And it's a feedback loop because then people complain about the complaining. How is this a question?

You complain about everything. But never... We do, Delisa, but not normally to people's faces. That's why. To your point. We do, Delisa, but not normally to people's faces. That's why. Your point. So, yeah, people complained that the coverage of the Duke of Edinburgh's death was excessive. But it is the most BBC thing ever, isn't it?

Responding to complaints about complaints about the complaints about their coverage. The only thing more BBC is the fact that we are now doing a round on a topical quiz about the complaints about the complaints about their coverage. I mean, the only thing more BBC is the fact that we are now doing a round on a topical quiz about the complaints about the complaints. The thing I really enjoyed about the coverage was the gear change when they had to go back to normal programming. So, like the football, they kind of had to say at the beginning that, you know, the Duke had been a great fan of the game

and then they were really stretching it on like Saturday Kitchen. They were kind of like, well, and he very much enjoyed eating food. I can only imagine the producers of Top Gear must have had some very difficult conversations. I think last week with the coverage, it did sum up the British kind of psyche, didn't it? Because for me, seeing an event like this happens, like the whole of Scotland at midday last Friday,

for that midday to one o'clock went, oh, that's a shame. And then we realised it took over the TV and radio and we thought, oh, this is like the World Cup when we don't qualify. I did once meet the Duke of Edinburgh because I am from Edinburgh and he was my Duke. I don't know if you have a good Duke yourself.

But no, I met him once at a garden party in Edinburgh. Of course I did. It was at the Palace. These things happen. And he asked me what school I went to, and I told him, and he said, is that the one with the bullying scandal? And I said, no. And he said, yours, you just bully people and get away with it. And then he went off to insult the next person.

And I just thought, it's sort of amazing that he was prepared to give everybody that much time so that everybody he met had the chance of being slightly offended. Everybody. And there was a the chance of being slightly offended. Everybody. And there was a real sort of care and attention that he paid to all the people. I thought it was wonderful. Do you know what I love about Hugo's answers in this

is that he's out-Hugued himself, right? Thank you very much. I'm literally thinking the closest I got to the Duke of Edinburgh was making a canoe on the Duke of Edinburgh award scheme, whereas Hugo was met on it. I keep saying he was our Duke. Glasgow will have to get its own Duke. I'm sorry. We wouldn't do Dix in Glasgow, Hugo.

They wouldn't last. Yes, the BBC's decision to cancel everything and simulcast its own simulcast simulcastaneously on all available outlets prompted so many complaints that they had to set up a special complaints form which then prompted further complaints about how easy they were making it for people to complain. But people complaining about complaining being too easy is ridiculous.

Let's not forget the old days in this country where if you had a complaint about the royal family, you had to crawl under the Houses of Parliament with piles of gunpowder. The Duke's funeral will be held this weekend at Windsor Castle and Philip departed this life having set a new all-time

record for longest serving royal spouse. Though it must be said some of his predecessors did not put up particularly stern competition, mentioning no 16th century wives of Henry the Eighth, for example. You have to say the media coverage of Philip's death

here in the UK stands in stark contrast to that given to Anne Boleyn who received a far less positive media response when she passed away in 1536. And when it comes to BBC balance, it's always a difficult seesaw to jump up and down on both sides of at the same time that sentence got out of control.

When it comes to BBC balance, it's always tricky. And we saw a lot of praise for the Duke of Edinburgh scheme, which has done wonders for so many young people, including Susie McCabe, over the years. But we didn't hear from the many people who absolutely hated doing the Duke of Edinburgh scheme. I'm going to balance that out now. This came from Janet.

My parents made me do it, despite my pathological hatred of tents. Simon wrote in saying, I got a splinter in my thumb whilst climbing an unlicensed tree that got infected and left me unable to play Grand Theft Auto for a month, thanks to the Duke of Edinburgh.

Peter says I helped as a kitchen hand for my DV in a local old people's home and I now physically retch when I hear the word cabbage. And Sarah wrote in saying quite why I was released into the wild on my own with just a compass and a ham sandwich, I have no idea. All I do know is I followed the compass and ended up in the sea off the north coast of Scotland and when I had to try to pacify an escaped pig which was not marked on my

ordnance survey map, a ham sandwich proved to be an at best provocative snack. Andy, see when we done the Duke of Edinburgh scheme, so there was a couple of elements to it, right? And you just wouldn't get away with this now. One of the elements was the community element, and this is the most stereotypical Scottish thing I could say,

but it is 100% true. They let us sit in and watch a live court case, and we went in to watch this trial as part of our Duke of Edinburgh, and then we all knew two of the witnesses in the stands. Could you be more Scottish and working class with that story? I don't think so, right? The score at the end of that round is two to Team Ease, four to Team Sleaze.

Some quick breaking news. Following complaints about the lack of Union Jack flags in a recent BBC report, the News Quiz is delighted to offer you the chance to build up a description of the Union Jack. Each week, we will describe one shape on the Union Jack and you can then piece them together at the end of the year to form a full audio description of

the national flag. So here is part one. A blue triangle. Part two will follow next week. Moving on. Now this question can go to Team Ease. What two things that people warned would become very complicated in the aftermath of Brexit

have become very complicated in the aftermath of Brexit? Is this not everything? Just everything in life is more complicated? Everything, that is the correct answer. That's one of the things. And what's the other thing? Apart from everything, what is the other, more specific thing? It's Northern Ireland, isn't it? Correct. Hugo, yes. It's the Irish border that there was no chance that there was going to be a customs border in the Irish Sea,

said Boris Johnson, which was his way, his sort of David Cameron-ish way, I suppose, of preparing us for the fact that there is now a customs border in the Irish Sea. And we were confidently told this is not going to be a problem. We're going to invent new technology, was the thing they were going to do, weren't they? They were going to say, the thing we're going to do,

we're going to invent new technology that's going to sort of tell whether you're crossing the border with Brie or something. You know, Brie-sniffing robots are going to save us from having any kind of customs border in the Irish Sea. And I suppose, to be fair, maybe it's a Covid thing, they've been busy, they haven't got round to inventing the breeze-sniffing robots, Andy. And so...

Heads must roll. And so because of that, there is a lot of unrest. People in Northern Ireland are very upset. They're saying, where are our robots? We were promised our robots. And until you give us robots, we are going to throw bricks and flaming bottles at the police. And that is what happens if you don't provide the robots that were promised is roughly

what is going on in Northern Ireland. But a lot of this was sort of predictable. You saw it coming. It was like when you're watching a horror movie and you just want to yell, don't go in that house! For all the months before this, we were all saying, don't go into that house. We walked into that house and exactly what you expected happened. Well, but, Delisa, is this not a good thing?

For once, politicians' promises are coming true. We've been given exactly the level of complexity, confusion and disorder that we voted for. This is a positive thing. Well, obviously I'm a bit closer to Northern Ireland than most people here because it's, you know, just across the road, really. Boris is going to build a bridge because what Glasgow needs... LAUGHTER

It really needs a connection where you can have you know Catholics and Protestants on either side just walking happily together because we're kind of like a diet Belfast in Glasgow do you know what I mean it's like gluten free sectarianism that's what we've got, right? We've got the segregated schools, we've got the two football teams,

we've got the heritage, but we just kind of let it happen four or five times a season through sport, and that sorts it right out. That's what we need. Yes, Northern Ireland is marking its centenary this year. It's difficult to believe that it's 100 years since partition finally solved the question of sovereignty once and for all.

LAUGHTER As partitions so, so often do. It's now ten to Team Sleaze, four to Team Ease. This question goes to Team Sleaze, to Hugo and... What do you mean? Oh! It should be clear by now. Ease. This question goes to Team Sleaze, to Hugo and Sir... What do you mean? It should be clear by now. I just... The scores don't... I just make them up.

I'm not even... It's not like the cricket. OK. We'll give them a couple more. Right. The scores are now 10 to Team Sleaze, 6 to Team Ease. Is that good enough for you people? And this question goes to Team Sleaze, to Hugo

and specifically to Susie. Susie, which five people had an argument at a safe distance on Tuesday evening? Ah, guys, that was the Scottish Leaders' Debate. What a hoot! Yes! that was the Scottish leaders debate what a hoot

did everyone hear that wee hee they came through there right that was that was Nicola Sturgeon going oh what a laugh I tell you what right I imagine that when Scotland has an election and you live in England it's a bit like Scotland qualifying

for the World Cup and England having, right? Bit of 70s nostalgia there. Yeah, I don't know. 1870s, mate, 1870s. So we had the leaders debate. So we had Nicola Sturgeon and then we had Douglas Ross, who is now the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party. He's also an MP for Morrie,

or as Boris Johnson called him, Morrie Ross from Douglas. It's an easy mistake to make because you know how the Tory party has got so many Scottish Conservative MPs. And then we've got little Patrick Harvey, who's the Green Party, who's like a little hippie but looks like a thumb, like an older Harry Potter. But the best thing about our debate was that they had to cross-examine each other.

So a couple of weeks ago, Douglas Ross suggested to Scottish Labour and the Scottish Lib Dems, why don't, because we're unionists, join up? And you've just seen Scottish Labour go, the last time we'd done this, it was 2014, and we have been obliterated since then. And you've just seen Willie Rennie going, no, no, no, I remember 2010 coalition. We cannae come anywhere near you, right?

So Willie Rennie and Anas Sarwar, Lib Dem, Labour, have formed a little team, just like the Greens and the SNP have formed a little team. And here was their cross-examination. Willie Rennie says to Anas Sarwar, if you were First Minister, what would you do? And he went, I'd make everything great again.

And Willie went, well, that's just smashing. Next question, right? You know, Susie, I didn't watch the debate, but from your description, I'm like, this sounds like the best sitcom I want to watch. Yes, this is the Scottish political leaders who clashed in their second televised pre-election debate this week.

The leaders of the five main parties clashed on subjects ranging from Scotland's Covid response and universal basic income to the best military strategy for an invasion of England. That was obviously the subtext as I was watching it. If you play it backwards, they're basically going to come down the A1 to Weatherby Services and take control of the oil. Now, the scores are 14-7, let's say, and... It's an environment round now, and... It's an environment

round now, and in particular it's a musical round now, featuring the environment. Can you fill in the missing words to this popular song? So, just to repeat, you can't hurry what, you'll just have to wait. Who said what don't come easy? It's a game of what and what. I'm going to throw this to both teams.

What? Any... Any answer. What? Any... Any answer. What? Is it... It's a climate conference. Correct, yes. You can't hurry a climate conference. That's basically it.

In the time of Covid, negotiations don't come easy. China will probably not agree. You can't... That's a good... It's close. It's not perfect, but I will give you some points. This is the climate conference. It's in Glasgow, right, in November.

And they really want it to go ahead and they're worried that they might have to do it virtually because this is really weird. So, basically, Boris Johnson's big plan is that he can convince the world that the world is warming up at an alarming rate by getting them to go to Glasgow in November. That's madness. But also all the debate about them wanting to do it live.

I'm like, why can't you just do it on Zoom? If it's good enough for a family quiz, then it should be fine for a climate conference. Why do they need to do it in person? It's this absurd thing. It's like it's about the climate and, oh, let's get into planes and fly over to save the planet. It's absurd. Just do it virtually. Anyway, Lucy was very close. Let's hear the actual correct missing words. The COP26 Environment Summit scheduled for Glasgow in November. Ivo de Boer, former Executive Secretary of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change.

Meaningful progress. Economic vested interests. Political complications. Take. There we go. So I'll give you four points for that, Lucy. That was close enough. And the final question, I'll throw this to both teams.

What massive thing has been stolen away from us? Oh, no, this is an awful story. It's a sad... It's a pet theft. The world's largest rabbit has been stolen. And, I mean, it's so awful, this poor family. And it is massive. It's four foot three, I family. And it is massive. It's four foot three, I think.

I mean, I'm not much taller. At the same time, I've looked at a picture of a rabbit and thought, sling a saddle on that and I will ride it. I like to think of myself as an amateur sleuth. And I was thinking to myself, who could persuade an animal like this to come with them and the only person I've come up with is David Attenborough. I think he is the prime

suspect who has lured it away with his soothing voice. Has anyone considered it might just have got fed up with being fat shamed and checked itself into the priory? It's just... Also, the owner is an ex-Playboy model, right?

The owner is an ex-Playboy model, and I am ashamed of all the newspapers that not one of them had, like, Playboy Bunny loses bunny or any of the similar puns available. Playboy Bunny loses hair? No. There you go! That brings us to the end of this first news quiz of the series

and the final scores. Team Sleaze have 14, Team Ease have 13. It's another great British victory for Sleaze. Thank you to our winners, Hugo Rifkin and Susie McCabe, and to our defeated panellists, Lucy Porter and Deliso Shaponda. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman.

Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Deliso Shaponda, Hugo Rifkin, Lucy Porter and Susie McCabe. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Jenin Yunus, Simon Alcock and Tasha Dunraj. The producer was Richard Morris

and it was a BBC Studios production.