Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 28th May 2021

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

Andy Zaltzman presents a look back at the week's headlines with guests Lucy Porter, Alice Fraser, Hugo Rifkind and Daliso Chaponda.This week a certain select committee hearing and the inaugural FALSE or VERY FALSE round.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Eleanor Morton, Rajiv Karia and Simon Alcock.Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Cherlynn Andrew-Wilfred Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. I am Andy Zaltzman. And I have here a whiteboard detailing all the possible outcomes of this episode of the News Quiz. Sure, whatever way you look at it, the numbers don't really add up, and for something like a half-hour radio show, I should probably put a bit more effort in

than just scrolling it on a whiteboard. It's not like it's a bog-standard pandemic or anything. But anyway, plan A for this comedy show is just to let the panellists talk about their saddest Christmases until it's too late to get the show back on track. And plan B... Oh, there is no plan B. So, fingers crossed, and welcome

to the News Quiz. Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and if anything I say in this show obviously contradicts something I said on the show in a previous edition, please remember, I actually mean it this time. show in a previous edition, please remember I actually mean it this time. Our teams this week we have Team Herd Immunity against Team Nerd in Mutiny.

On Team Herd Immunity we have Alice Fraser and Lucy Porter. And on Team Nerd in Mutiny it's Hugo Rifkind and Deliso Shaponda. CHEERING And the first question goes to both teams. I think you can probably all guess where we're going to start this week.

Who told whom that who shouldn't have been where and that who shouldn't be doing what and that who should have been whatted how many times for whatted? and that who shouldn't be doing what and that who should have been whatted how many times for whatted. Do we need to answer every bit of that correctly? Yes, please. Dominic Cummings told the House of Commons Select Committee that Boris Johnson was a lunatic

and Matt Hancock should have been sacked 15 to 20 times. Correct. For riding through number 10 on a pogo stick. That's close enough, Hugo. I'll give you two points. Thank you. And he said it several more times. I actually don't even know from reading the newspapers,

how did he fill seven hours? This guy is the Ken Dodd of politics. How did he talk for that long? Maybe he thought it was a podcast. I didn't see it because I was busy saving lives, so... It's like one of those series of riddles around the two guards where one can only lie and the other one can only tell the truth, but they've both shown that they're liars,

and you're starting to suspect that maybe the person who told you about the riddle was a liar. The only thing, though, is that everywhere I read, people keep saying, oh, it's this big expose revealing a lot. But actually, it's everything we always expected. It's not a character assassination. It's like confirmation of our suspicion. I disagree. I for one, in fact, actually share the nation's shock that Boris Johnson was a poor Prime Minister, and that Dominic Cummings feels he could have done better. I think none of us could have foreseen that that

was going to come out. And as for Dominic Cummings' claim that when Matt Hancock said things like we were going to be ramping up to a gazillion tests by lunchtime and we're going to have the actual Israeli Iron Dome around care homes protecting everybody and that shipments of PPE were coming in in waves from Turkey and then going back again and coming back again and only getting bigger every time. And the idea that the nurses definitely weren't wearing bin bags even though we could literally see the photos. The idea that he might have been lying when he said any bit of that well

blow me down because i just i mean that's not no no no no breathing on you is very bad idea this interesting thing about matt hancock that he should have been sacked 15 to 20 times. I mean, personally, I hope it's 16, just because then you can have a straight knockout competition to find out which offence he should actually be sacked for. He's got, you know, one round against the court, because otherwise you've got to have some kind of group stage or a reprichage and it gets a bit too complicated,

so I do hope it's just for 16. The idea of him being sacked that many times, it's like's like well you'd hope he'd only be sacked once if he was going to be sacked 15 20 times it's like he keeps getting sacked and then he comes anyone else want to do this job nope all right we'll get him back here oh he's gone again no it's easy to blame matt hancock isn't it because so many things are his fault. There's something about Matt Hancock, because he does always have that look, doesn't he, of a rabbit caught in a pie. Because I've never been a huge fan of his, but now that I know that Dominic Cummings wants him to be sacked,

I hope he stays in the job forever. We should point out that Matt Hancock did respond to Cummings' claim that he is a liar by saying, no, you're a liar. So, classic political impasse there. Another question for you. According to Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson changes his what ten times a day? Depends.

That's not actually the correct answer, but you might have some inside information that we don't have, Alice. I saw that flat refurbishment and I assume that he has different very complicated prints that match whichever wallpaper he's in front of, like a chameleon. He said he changes

his mind that many times a day. He said he governs like a shopping trolley going down an aisle bashing stuff off the shelves, and I thought that's day. He said he governs like a shopping trolley going down an aisle bashing stuff off the shelves, and I thought that's not what you're meant to do with a shopping trolley. Maybe he's like a shopping trolley in that you have to put a pound in him to get him to decouple. Also, he did say going down the aisle. He didn't specify if it was an aisle in a supermarket

or the aisle in a church, and Boris Johnson is just trying to find his latest wife. And is this a concern? Because often we accuse politicians of being too stubborn, Hugo. Is it not a good thing that people change their minds ten times a day and behave like shopping trolleys? I mean, I guess maybe ten times a day is probably pushing it. Look, Dominic Cummings' main issue seems to be that the government is so terrible that it has space in it, or it had space

in it, for people like Dominic Cummings. You know, I mean, this is literally how he opens his evidence by saying, it's just insane that I was there and in charge of stuff. And it's like, yeah. It also makes you wonder, what's his motive? Because it's not like he was saying, I am great. He was like, I am an idiot. And they're idiots too. It's going like we've downgraded the role of experts. It's terrible. It's like, come on, man, this is you. You've done all of this. It's like a burglar, like a burglar complaining that you've left your door unlocked. It's just madness. This is like when Khloe Kardashian came out and complained about an unfiltered photo of herself online and saying these toxic beauty standards

are damaging all of our mental health and everyone in the world went, yes. You're going to have to provide me with some footnotes on that one, Alice. I did really enjoy... I've never enjoyed a select committee before, but I've never... To be honest, I've never enjoyed a select committee before, but I've never... To be honest, I've never watched a select committee before, but I did enjoy it purely because it showed me

that if you televised anybody bitching about their ex-boss and workmates, I would watch that day and night. I just... I love it. Absolutely. I would do it. I would like to complain about the Freeman Hardy and Willis Croydon branch in 1989. I can tell you now, if someone said, have you got this in a size five?

We just used to go out the back, have a fag come back and say, no, we've only got it in a three and an eight. So I take full responsibility for that. Dominic Cummings also claimed that Boris Johnson is a thousand times too obsessed with the media, which is a lot of times. I've no idea what it's like to be a thousand times too obsessed with something.

I do have a bit of a thing for cricket stats, but I think I'm only 614 times too obsessed with that. Coincidentally, it's the number of wickets Jimmy Anderson has taken in his test career. I might have underestimated it. Let's go into a little more detail on some of the specific things that Cummins said

and alleged. Now, this week Bob Dylan, the no-time Eurovision Song Contest winner, in fact, he's never even scored a point at Eurovision, there's no shame in that. He turned 80 last Monday. Now, the renowned songsmith was greeted with a wave of goodwill, but let's see how long that lasts.

He's in his 80s now. Just wait until he swaps his acoustic walking frame from an electric mobility scooter. I often think with Bob Dylan, like, I don't think anyone's surprised because he always sounded like he was 80. Oh, the times, they are a-changing. So we have a special challenge this week.

It's Bob Dylan, or Dog Dylan's Owner's Former Advisor Challenge. So I'm going to give you one thing that is a Bob Dylan song, and another thing that was said by Dylan the Downing Street Dog's owner's former special advisor, Dominic Cummings, at his select committee

score-settling slam-a-thon on Wednesday. So tell me, which is the Bob Dylan song and which is to do with Dominic Cummings? Here's the first one. Don't think twice it's alright, or he didn't think on way more than two occasions in fact, which is emphatically not alright. I think this is a trick question and both of those are Bob Dylan.

Ah, they are, yes, that is correct. It was from the basement tapes, I think, the second one. Not many people know it. Idiot Wind or Idiot Secretary of State for Health? I mean, what makes this difficult is Bob Dylan has, like, had songwriting diarrhoea for at least six decades, I mean, what makes this difficult is Bob Dylan has, like, had songwriting diarrhoea for at least, sort of, six decades, so he probably has written most lines,

even if they were said by Dominic Cummings. Oh, I really hope that Matt Hancock didn't think Dominic Cummings really liked him. Just, you know... Imagine, like, being his wife and him coming home and going, also, what did he say about me? Did he mention the great bants we have? And just having to go, God, sorry, mate, he thinks you're a knob. Say what you like about the Labour Party,

but unlike the Tories, they are all vile to each other to their face the whole time. How do we see this affecting Boris Johnson as Prime Minister? And do you think Hancock now is doomed? I mean, I think by the time this goes out, there will be a poll that shows Boris Johnson has gone up six points. I think it's what will happen. Boris Johnson is bulletproof.

I mean, like, nothing affects this man. Not even Covid. It's going to make a difference. It really answers the question, how many U-turns must a man go down before he's truly a man? But he can no longer call Donald Trump and say, hey, Mr. Tangerine Man, though. We've opened up a hand of pun worms here. Yes, this is the story of Dominic Cummings' appearance before the House of Commons Health, Science and Technology Select Committees.

He swore the hypocritic oath and he let rip. And in the game of political chess, Cummings emerges an entirely new piece, the exploding toilet, which takes out all pieces in surrounding squares plus itself and leaves a frankly horrific mess behind. There were numerous accusations that would have been bombshells if significant parts of the media hadn't been saying, look at those things, they look like bombshells for much of the last year and a bit. Cubbings claimed that tens of thousands of people died who didn't need to die, that

Boris Johnson is not a fit and proper person to be Prime Minister, that Health Secretary Matt Hancock repeatedly lied, that government failures filled care homes with people infected with the virus, and that the second wave was viciously exacerbated by government failings. Perhaps most witheringly of all, that Dominic Cummings being at the heart of government was a patently ridiculous indictment of

our entire political system and culture. Moving on to other COVID-related news, another question with a score at two to Team Herd Immunity, three to Team Nerd in Mutiny, and this can go to Team Herd Immunity, to Alice and Lucy. It's a kind of tree falling in the forest type question for you. If an inexplicable government policy isn't communicated to anyone, is it still totally

incompetent? It's the secret lockdown. Yes, correct. Shh, don't tell anyone. So, Blackburn, Bolton, Burnley, Bedford, I mean, it's hard to know whether these are genuinely sort of targeted restrictions based on

scientific advice or whether someone just got bored at B in the alphabet. They put on a website, don't go to Bolton, but they didn't tell anybody who was already in Bolton. And then they said it was fine to go to Bolton, but actually also maybe don't go to Bolton. So, yeah, and then people found the guidelines eventually. So obviously they didn't make the secret lockdown secret enough. They could have put it on page 17 of the terms and conditions on any online purchase. Or they could have put it into one of my Edinburgh Friends shows

to really conceal it from... No, I had some poor audiences. I'm prepared to accept it. We're all coming clean this week, so, yes. So we don't know. It's been secret, but not secret. So are you saying you don't spend all your time going through the gov.uk website just to check if there's anything that you've missed, Lucy?

Irresponsible citizenship. Yeah, I mean, it is a great read, isn't it? And Leicester again. Like, I feel like it's been in lockdown since, like, the 80s. It's not like Alcatraz in the East Midlands. Maybe that's what happened to Richard III, was that he just was locked down. Yeah, this week we saw more

confusion about lockdown ministers backtracked over advice for eight areas worst hit by the Indian virus variant after they were given advice without actually being given the advice. It was just popped on the gov.uk website, where understandably given that gov.uk is not as exciting a website as, for example, catslookingatcucumbers.com

no one noticed it. The Shadow Health Secretary, John Ashworth, accused the government of imposing local lockdowns by stealth, but the government has, as we record, just responded, stating that it is in fact trialling homeopathic lockdown announcements, which contain small traces of actual lockdown announcements, but on a website somewhere,

so that no-one can actually see them, to see if they work the same out loud. Another question from the lockdown. What potentially deadly threat to this nation, which must be stopped at all costs, has thankfully been stymied by the government's latest lockdown regulations? Any suggestions?

Is it success at Eurovision? It's not that it's to do with singing oh choirs was it correct yes yes that poor woman who the choir just got back together and they'd done a lovely sort of video about their choir and then obviously the government saw that and went oh god that's awful. And, oh, people are singing. There is joy. We must lock it down. Yeah, so you were allowed to be in a choir for one day,

which is very much like I was allowed to be in a choir for one day. I mean, Andy, this is devastating for my choir, where we all just sing directly into one another's mouths like toddlers telling secrets. all just sing directly into one another's mouths like toddlers telling secrets? To be fair, it's just basic good governance, really, because, well, I mean, 200 people in a Bon Jovi-themed nightclub can ball out living on a prayer at 3am, but 10 amateur harmony enthusiasts can't have a pop at Amazing Grace. But the fact is that the average virus is 84% more determined if it can hear a hymn being sung. And 75% of all crimes are committed within six minutes of some enthusiastic warblers breaking into a popular hymn like

Jesus, mate, that's too much wine, or Oh, Lord, hast thou anything other than fish finger sarnies? Now, those aren't facts, but what if they were? We just cannot take that chance. The score is now 6 to Team Herd Immunity and 5 to Team Nerd Immunity. And as a question related

to airline flights, this can go to Team Nerd Immunity. Who did not enjoy the in-flight service on a flight from Athens to Vilnius this week? Roman Presicevich. He is a Belarusian blogger. He was on a flight that was forced down by the Belarusian government as it went over Belarus. They basically wanted to get hold of him.

They basically hijacked a plane. The plane was on the way from Athens to Vilnius in Lithuania. Presumably quite a lot of people who were on the way to Vilnius in Lithuania thought they'd actually got there. They thought they were just meant to be landing in Minsk in a completely different country, because it was a bit like the way Ryanair pretends Stansted's in London. But it is a very... It's very bad, this story.

You know, sort of piracy in the air. They basically forced it down by pretending there was a bomb on board, although I'm not sure anyone was surprised that there might have been a bomb on board a Ryanair flight, because that is what it costs to bring an extra suitcase. I mean, every time I fly with a budget airline, I swear I will never do it again because they always get you with those hidden costs and fees, the extra baggage, the betraying you to the government of a dictator

who wants to kill you for being a journalist, and then making a statement that everything's fine, like the bootlicking sycophants of power, all such nakedly capitalist enterprises end up being bloody budget airlines, am I right? Yes, earlier this week, the Ryanair plane flying from Greece to Lithuania was suddenly diverted to Minsk in Belarus where dissident journalist Roman Protasevich

and his partner Sofia Sapega were offered non-voluntary speedy de-boarding in a not especially complimentary free hotel room at a secret detention centre. American President Joe Biden said sanctions were, quotes, in play, accidentally then summoning the floating head of Ray Winston, offering three-to-one odds on trade embargoes.

And your money back is a free bet on the Syrian election if it turns out Vladimir Putin was not actually somehow involved. Moving on now, the scores are six all. This can go to both teams. Which prominent 98-year-old Britain-based broadcasting corporation, often called by its three initials, best known as the host outlet of the News Quiz, has been panned over Panorama

and taken a bashing over Bashir for the past week. Any guesses? So obviously this is the BBC. Correct. Yes, two points. Looking back at the Bashir report. But this is what shocks me about the whole thing. The interview in question was in 1995, right? So this is how long it takes

for there to be like reports in a fallout. So does this mean like in 2032, we're finally going to get like a Grenfell report and then in 2056, we're going to get the COVID mismanagement fallout? It's like how slow is anything processed if we're only at 1995? Well, we can get slower, to be honest, Delisa. I mean, this is quite quick by A, British and B, BBC terms. Culture Secretary Oliver Dowden said the BBC should, quote, project British values. Now, this is a terrible idea, right? Because what? Then you'll have the BBC taking over other broadcasting corporations in third-word countries and making them speak English

and then taking their old equipment for the British Museum and exploiting all their broadcasting resources. It's a terrible idea. I used to be a surf lifesaver down at Bondi Beach here in Sydney and as far as my experience goes, British values involve getting drunk I used to be a surf lifesaver down at Bondi Beach here in Sydney, and as far as my experience goes, British values involve getting drunk and falling asleep in the sun without sun cream or belligerently insisting on going in the water

at the exact place you just told them not to go because there's a great big riptide that'll take them around their heads to Bronte Beach and then you have to paddle out and get them. I don't know what that value's called, but you can probably blame a lot of bad behaviour in your colonial phase on drunk, sunburned chippiness. I think that's how Captain Cook made it to Australia in the first.

We went surfing off Cornwall. This is Lord Dyson's report that found that the BBC covered up deceitful behaviour used by Martin Bashir to secure his infamous interview with Princess Diana. The results of the investigation into why Bashir was rehired in 2016 will be published next week. Obviously, if the BBC were a newspaper, they could just pop it on page 23 underneath an article about a goat that works as a waiter in a country pub.

But it's the BBC, so the self-flagellation department is being wheeled out yet again. They're already complaining about burnout. Of course, the BBC's big mistake was not erecting a statue of Martin Bashir in 1996 when it had the chance, which would, of course, have made what he did in the past absolutely fine now. Under the first rule of history, brackets, 2020 amendment. The score, Team Herd Immunity have nine, Team Nerd in Mutiny have eight. This question can go to Alice and Lucy, Team Herd Immunity. Why has Australia upgraded its national level of concern

from no worries to actually at least one worry this week? I know this one. I know this one. I know this one. It's the mouse plague, Andrew. Yes. It's always surprising which businesses succeed and which do badly in a pandemic. At the moment, it's home personal trainers,

cam girls and mice are the real winners here in Australia. There's hundreds of thousands of mice swarming parts of Australia, particularly New South Wales, because of a mild summer and a lot of rain. And apparently this happens about every 10 years. It's pretty much a disaster, but it is the genesis of the Australian nursery rhyme. I'm not sure if you know it. Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, 170 million other mice showed up and started moving across the

map like a plague of locusts, but more like a plague of mice, because that's what it is. It's mice o'clock, the end. What you said about plague of locusts, it does feel like, you know, with fires, pandemic, mice, like a prophet is about to show up in Australia. Pandemic, mice, like a prophet is about to show up in Australia. It would be beautiful and ironic if you just rounded up all the mice and then stuck them on a boat back to Britain as punishment. But yes, another exciting week for Australian wildlife. The humble mouse has jumped above the traditional Australian terrors of nature

such as the crocodile, the shark, the box jellyfish, the unnecessarily deadly snake, the saber-toothed platypus, the 1970s fast bowler and the tiny little lethal spider that I read about once that is so viciously poisonous it can kill you

just by looking at you although I now read no one has actually died from a spider bite in Australia in over 40 years. A plague of the cheeky little rodents has havoced the hell out of parts of eastern Australia

causing extensive damage to farms, eating crops and attacking grain silos. That takes us now to the final round of this week's show, with the scores at 11 to Team Herd Immunity and 8 to Team Nerd in Mutiny. And in tribute to the select committee hearing that we all enjoyed this week, rather than the true or false round, We've got a false or very false round. So you have to tell me if the following things are completely false or false with a

very vague hint of truth in. So this first one, is this false or very false? American chickens have been warned not to be seduced by humans. Is that false or very false? This is just false, Andy. This is just false. This is to be seduced by humans. Is that false or very false? This is just false, Andy.

This is just false. This is advice that's been put out by the American government that people should not kiss their chickens because with the pandemic, a lot of millennials bought chickens as a sort of apocalypse prep thing.

And then because, of course, they have to put them on Instagram. They've done a lot of Instagram of them sort of, I don't know, making out with their chickens in a glamorous way. So they've actually had to put out an announcement to not kiss your chicken. Not even a pet.

It is different in America because here if you kiss a frog it could turn into a member of the royal family. If you kiss a chicken in America it could easily turn into a president. And I have had a few incidences of that happening finally now is this false or very false samoa welcomes its first ever female prime minister this week it's very sadly it's very false isn't it alice uh yes at least they have a female prime minister but she had to get sworn in in a marquee outside of the venue because the previous prime minister locked her out of the building. Correct. Because he didn't want to leave. But you're saying it's sad. I actually

think it's lovely because they're now two parallel governments, right? And, you know, Labour's lost so many times in the UK, they need to do this here, right? Just like, get a motor home in the middle of Wembley or something and just say, we're a government here as well, and just start making legislation. Of course, Paul, her name is Naomi Matafa. And I did feel sorry for her. She must have felt like Oliver Twist, mustn't she? Please, sir, can I have Samoa? Yes, this is the story of the Samoan elections.

Fiyami Naomi Matarfa broke through the glass ceiling only to find herself having the door literally slammed in her face instead when she was locked out of Parliament by the supposedly outgoing leader after a close-fought election. The incumbent Prime Minister, Tui Laepa Selele Malielege, refused to come out. And if anyone is listening to this now, not suffering from extreme name envy, they need to take a long, hard look at themselves.

That is how you name a child. If they ever come up with a hybrid cricket rugby format to pitch Samoa against Sri Lanka, that will be the greatest event in the history of human language. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz, and in a thrilling finish, Team Herd Immunity

have just held on with 15 to Team Nerd in Mutiny's 14. Just some breaking news reaching us. Brian May, Queen guitarist, has been inadvertently toppled into a harbour after being mistaken for a statue of an 18th century circuit judge. After being dredged out and desilted,

May insisted he was only trying to feed the ducks. That brings us to the end of the News Quiz. Thanks to our guests this week, Deliso Chaponda and Hugo Rifkind, Alice Fraser and Lucy Porter. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Taking part in the News Quiz were Alice Fraser, Deliso Chaponda, Hugo Rifkind and Lucy Porter. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Eleanor Morton, Rajeev Kharia and Simon Alcorn.

The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.