Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 30th April 2021

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Andy Zaltzman presents a look back at the week's headlines with Simon Evans, Helen Lewis, Elis James and Ria Lina.This week decorating, vaccinating and electioneering are subject to scrutiny by our teams.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard, Tasha Dhanraj and Tom Mayhew.Producer: Richard Morris and Gwyn Rhys Davies A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. to make it easy for you to live, work and study locally. By providing high-quality education, skills and training necessary for your future, Keanu College is focused on getting you started. Learn more at keanu.ca slash ykeanu. That's keanu.ca slash w-h-y Keanu. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This episode of the News Quiz was recorded before the news broke this morning that the third millennium has been cancelled.

The renowned thousand-year-long time span will be reset to begin again for another go to see if it can do better this time on Monday, which now becomes the 1st of January 2000. Or 2001, if you're a pedant. Happy New Year, and welcome to the News Quiz. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman, and welcome to the News Quiz. In the spirit of the week, all panellists this week are entitled to listen to my questions, ignore them, and then answer a completely different question that exists only in their own heads. It's time to meet this week's teams.

Our teams, sir, for this week, it's team, oh, no, he didn't, versus team, oh, yes, he did, versus team, oh, well, I guess he might have done, but there's no proof, so we're still saying, oh, no, he didn't, versus team, oh yes he did, versus team, oh well I guess he might have done, but there's no proof, so we're still saying, oh no he didn't, versus team look, we appreciate that whether he did or he didn't, there are more important things that he both did and didn't do, but still, oh yes he did.

Four teams this week, let's pair them up for simplicity into the no's and yes's, so I think that averages out to team now, whatever, against team yeah right. So on Team Now Whatever, it's Helen Lewis and Ellis James. And on Team Yeah Right, it's Ria Lina and Simon Evans.

And question one this week goes to both teams. Who has been accused of being out of order in his attempt to get his house in order? This sounds like it might be your lead story about Boris Johnson and his flat refurbishment. Correct. Or possibly Carrie Simmons' flat refurbishment and the scandal that this has created about a nation outraged

that on top of everything else they've had to endure, they've now had to see John Lewis bad-mouthed in public. Since the death of the Queen Mother, there have been very few really genuinely sacred institutions in this country, but I think it's fair to say that calling John Lewis a nightmare is just a step too far and probably will bring down this government. Most of us, I think, seeing the whole story, have been largely baffled, having previously assumed that Boris slept in a basket most nights. Yeah, by the next thing, an expensive basket.

I think if we're going to spend this sort of money on a governmental flat, a residence of that kind, we should be allowed to see it a bit more often, and I'm suggesting Westminster Gogglebox as the ideal TV format in which we can enjoy good value for money as we see Boris and Carrie you know watching their favourite soaps and so on. I think that was his nickname at the Foreign Office wasn't it the Westminster Gogglebox? The highlight of the week for me was the Prime Minister having to come out and say quote I have nothing against John Lewis. I mean I just want to sort of run through a list of other great high street brands

and find out which one he absolutely despises. It's revealed a third strata in British society that I didn't realise existed. There were either people who thought that John Lewis was nice or people who thought that John Lewis was too expensive. I didn't know there was a version above where they're like, thought that John Lewis was nice or people who thought that John Lewis was too expensive. I didn't know there was a version above where they're like, oh, I couldn't possibly, I could not possibly live in a house with John Lewis furniture. I do have a friend that works in Westminster and I've heard off the record that most of the money has actually been spent on a fridge that's large enough for Boris to hide in whenever he and Carrie

have a fight. They've paid almost £10,000 for a sofa. For that price, could they not have just paid an NHS nurse to lie on the floor in the middle of the room for four months? Use them as a sofa instead? It would have been a useful reminder to focus at work.

I guess a question we have to ask is this just petty Westminster bickering of no real relevance to the population as a whole or is it a fundamental issue of trust and honesty that gets to the very heart of our politics, democracy and identity as a nation? It's incredibly petty.

But isn't it the whole point is that it's incredibly petty. We've been starved of incredibly petty news for over a year now. I've never seen people jump on this with the relief of being able to go, what, what is £800 wallpaper? I just, I want to see it. I want to see it with

my own eyes. The correct answer, by the way, to that question was, it's both, so no points to either team there. It's both. Petty bickering and the fundamental issue of trust but what helen said is right so when i first heard this story after the year we've had i thought oh thank god it's just corruption that's such a relief you know and i i can't catch corruption. I can't catch sleaze. I don't have to worry about getting long sleaze.

You can catch it. You've just got to go to the right school. I think the reason that we're so interested is because they were originally floating the idea of this being a charity. That's what really got our goats, wasn't it? They said, well, what if we get a charity to pay for it? Because nothing screams charity these days, does it? More than having to take a pay cut because you were elected prime minister

of the sixth largest economy in the world and forced to live in a four bedroom George enlisted building instead of your cosy townhouse that costs 1.3 million, you know. Nothing screams charity like that, does it? Oh, the poor man. The poor man.

He already gets 3030,000 of an allowance per annum to spend on his flat, as it is. Now, if £30,000 is not enough for you, that is when you start using your nectar points. They went through some of the previous prime ministers and what they spent. I think a BBC media correspondent said it was no surprise to see that Gordon Brown hadn't spent any money on the flat at all. And then they went back and created a go, no, actually, he spent his £30,000 allowance exactly... He spent, like, £87,940 over the three years. It was, like, so precisely the correct amount of money.

I found that more psychopathic than going wildly over the top, to be honest. There's been a lot of talk about the role of the Prime Minister's fiancée, Carrie Simmons, in this. I mean, have we reached a point now where the position of the Prime Minister's spouse should be an elected role? And should we, the people, have some say in it? It should be like national service.

Everyone should do it for them. I was going to say, he's doing it more like Athenian democracy, isn't he? That you get selected for it whether you want it or not. I was thinking actually quite... Oh, do you want to get that? No? OK. Sorry, I was thinking... You're being, do you want to get that? No? OK. Sorry, I was thinking... You're being called up for service, Ria.

LAUGHTER If I don't get a peerage out of this... LAUGHTER And there's been this other scandal over whether or not Boris Johnson used the words, let the bodies pile high, which, of course, he either did or didn't say, depending on your side of the political spectrum. But if he, or indeed

anyone else said it, what do we think he meant by it, let the bodies pile? Because he obviously couldn't have meant what it appears to mean in the meaning of the words. So what's the hidden meaning of those words, do we think? Well... That's the correct answer, yes. Simon, do you think, because it's not really impacted on the polls

with local elections next week and elections in Scotland and Wales, do people care? Well, I don't know about not impacted on the polls. The ones I've seen, Boris has had a huge surge off the back of it. I think he's gone up by about 5%. I'm afraid it does come down slightly to nobody likes a smart-arse, which is something Keir Starmer is going to have to understand if he's going to get ahead in politics.

Most people have had an encounter with a lawyer that was cleverer than them at some point in their lives, and they very rarely remember it with fondness. And watching a bumbling buffoon get tied up in knots by the slick-suit-wearing bastard? It doesn't play well, you know. He should get a bit of gravy on his tie and join in with the muck. Yes, this is, of course, the Boris Johnson flat refurbishment schmuzzle.

This week, the Electoral Commission launched an investigation into the funding of works in Johnson's Downing Street flat. The spending watchdog said there were reasonable grounds to suspect an offence or offences may have occurred. Incidentally, reasonable grounds is, for the average Tory donor, about 600 acres plus a fishing lake. Green Party MP Caroline Lucas accused the Prime Minister of, quotes, lying on an industrial

scale. Come on, Caroline. Lying is one of the few growth industries in this country. Can we not celebrate a British success story for once? It's a low-carbon industry as well. You should like it. With Labour struggling to make much of an impression on the Conservatives' poll lead, the opposition have cranked up calls for inquiries

to a record 2.3 calls for inquiries per hour. And as we record, have just called for an inquiry into the lack of inquiries. The Prime Minister has committed to a fully independent investigation of the alleged allegations and announced that it will be headed up by Sir Dylan Johnson Russell, his dog. In terms of how important it appears to be,

well, I mean, in the grand scheme of things, a bit of money for refurbishment might not seem that important, but we all know what can happen after that final wafer-thin mint after a very, very big meal. For the sake of balance as we close this first question, I should point out that it was entirely possible for the Prime Minister not to have landed himself in this mess. Now, following complaints about how I've allocated points

in recent episodes of the News Quiz, I have appointed an independent standard advisor to oversee how this week's programme is scored. That advisor is me. It's fine. I'm telling you the score is scored. That, advisor, is me. It's fine. I'm telling you the score is 8-6, but I'm not telling you who to. Which moves us elegantly on to question two.

This goes to Team Yeah Right, Ria and Simon. Who or what is the people's vaccine? This is a group of religious leaders have come together and they've all signed a press release from across a wide range of religions to go, we need a people's vaccine to cure the pandemic. And the whole world has gone, what do you think we've been doing all this time? Where have you been? You've been praying and you've just realized that a vaccine is the answer. Yeah. Yes, we know that. But it's weird that they've specifically called it the people's vaccine. And I'm like, what is that? Is that like the people's princess? Because it's not

like it needs to do a publicity tour and raise awareness about COVID. Everybody knows. And how are we going to choose the people's vaccine? Are we going to choose it like the People's Choice Awards? Because, you know, like, how is that going to work? I mean, the Lifetime Award has to go to the measles vaccine. It's the only one that you don't need a booster for. And which vaccines are we putting forward for this? That's what I want to know. Is it going to be like the Golden Globes debacle and the chickenpox vaccine is up for nomination when really there's a new malaria vaccine that should really be getting spotlight? Huh? You know, because let's be honest, chickenpox just scratches the surface and is irritating, whereas malaria may destroy you.

I feel sorry for the people behind the malaria vaccine because it's a genuine good news story. It could save millions of lives. They've been trying to sort out a malaria vaccine for decades. But because it's happened this year, it's not even going to get on the front cover of Vaccine Today. What a time to come up with a great new malaria vaccine. I forgot page six! Come on!

World religion leaders always feel they have something useful to contribute and don't. But... LAUGHTER There's like about 80 of them. And this must have annoyed some of them as well. They're ranked alphabetically, which was obviously the most democratic and sensible way to do it,

all the signatories. But they were ranked alphabetically by first name, which I think must have really kicked off a few rows, I would imagine. There's a chap called Zahid Bukhari who must have thought he was going to get well into the top five. And instead... It's like, what? Dr. Zahid Bukhari? You cannot be serious. You put me last. Yeah, Zahid. No, Bukhari. Come on, surely. I would love to have been there for that meeting. There's a lot of concern about vaccine nationalism. Earlier in the year

the head of the World Health Organisation, Tedros Ghebreyesus, warned the world of a catastrophic moral failure if the poorer nations and peoples of the world were left behind in the vaccine race. I mean, that's slightly worrying, isn't it? Because global economics has shown itself to be entirely comfortable with

catastrophic moral failures. I mean, it's borderline addictive behaviour, isn't it? Yeah, but this time people could come back from the developing world and reinfect us, right, which doesn't happen with poverty. So we might actually care for once. Here's a related question. Which of the following is the odd one out? The karaoke machine, the AK-47 and Covid vaccines?

Well, they'll all give you a headache. Some of which last longer than others, yes. Well, the answer is Covid vaccines because the karaoke machine and the AK-47 were not patented, whereas COVID vaccines, there's an awful lot of issues caused by the patenting of COVID vaccines, which could prevent pain and suffering on a global scale, whereas the karaoke machine and the AK-47 not patented

and have caused pain and suffering on a global scale. So... LAUGHTER That's the different... and have caused pain and suffering on a global scale. So... LAUGHTER That's the difference. Helen, have you been following the patent debate? I think of little Ls. Oh, good. LAUGHTER

No, I mean, my feeling about it is I feel incredibly sorry for Oxford AstraZeneca, who took this view that they would distribute everything at cost price throughout the entire pandemic. And the European Union has just decided to wail on them repeatedly, threatening to sue them, whilst also saying, can we have some more? I just don't know why anyone would act altruistically ever again. It's true. If there is a principle that if you if you are slightly altruistic, people are far more likely to pounce on you for not being entirely altruistic if you're just obviously a capitalist shark then people go well that's just them obviously we can't expect any better but oxford astrazeneca presenting themselves as a vaguely humanitarian movement we're going to hold them to very much higher standards of account it's a weird

phenomenon in life and it is you know as homer simpson said don't try you know because if you try and be a good person they will hold you to this standard of course the eu does still operate under the traditional european law of finance which is that something should be reassuringly expensive the uh stellar artois regulation dates back to the early days of the EU. Here's another question. Which national leader and non-cricketer who recently renamed a 130,000 capacity cricket stadium after himself, built a 200 metre

high statue for no reason other than that it's massive and counts suppressing political dissent amongst his favourite hobbies, has turned out not to have the ideal character profile for putting the health and well-being of his people first? It's not back to Boris again. It's not Boris, no.

Mark Drakeford. Not Mark Drakeford. You said non-cricketer, so that narrows it down to Modi from India. Correct, yes. I'll give you six runs for that. How's that?

Yes, this is Narendra Modi, India in the grip of a devastating second wave of COVID-19. Its hospitals unable to cope, oxygen supplies inefficient and chaos spreading across the nation. Modi himself described the current wave of coronavirus sweeping India as like being hit by a storm. Now, keen students of meteorology may not be familiar with the kind of storm that calls a year in advance

to warn you that it's coming by first blowing through every other country on earth whilst you refuse to even put on a slightly thicker scarf and declare yourself to be victorious over all weather events. One final COVID story. What does getting a COVID jab have in common with having your elbow savaged by a crocodile? It leaves you with a sore arm.

Correct. Yes, well done. That is the correct answer. The most common side effect of both of those is a sore arm. Correct. Yes, well done. That is the correct answer. The most common side effect of both of those is a sore arm. Is that regarded as a side effect, then, if you're savaged by a crocodile? Yes, it is. I think that the COVID vaccine rollout has given those of us in our late 30s

a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I've never been so excited to be getting older, as I have since I was 18, and I thought I was going to be able to drink booze, like finally going to stop getting ID'd in pubs. Now I watch the thing ticking down, it's like 42. Come on, I'm so close. I'm so close I can almost taste it.

I haven't been vaccinated for anything since I had the BCG when I was about 13 or 14. But social distancing means no one's given me a dead arm on my injection site, so... It's's a more civilised process this time round. A study by scientists, always with their studies, revealed that the most common side effect of the Covid vaccines is pain or tenderness at the place on your arm where something has just been jabbed into you

like a miniature benevolent javelin of hope. A sore arm is not, of course, the most debilitating of side effects, really. Complaining about a sore arm after a potentially life-saving vaccine is like being rescued from the ICCs after your Titanic Recreation Society AGM got a little bit too realistic and complaining that the life vest you were given didn't go well with your shirt. The score

is now, let's say, 10-7 and we'll reveal who's winning at the end. A question now for Ellis. Which election campaign will not drag on much longer? What I'm just making reference to is the big Welsh election for the Senedd on the 6th of May. The Welsh Parliament's actually done an awful lot of great things for the rest of the UK.

For example, it took Neil Hamilton off your hands. He's been a member of the Senedd since 2016, so you haven't heard of him in four years. You're welcome. 16-year-olds have got the vote in Wales, so nearly every party, they're all preparing their excuses for how, if things don't work out in their favour, you're going to be getting people saying things like, oh, God, 16-year-olds don't espouse traditional conservative values

because they're too busy on TikTok. They're all playing Fortnite on Twitch to espouse traditional Conservative values, and that's why we did very badly on the 6th of May, and it's not our fault. A bit like Joe Wick's, Welsh Independence has had a good lockdown. So support for Yes Cymru has grown over the last year,

so it started off in January 2020 with about 2,000 members. Now it's got over 17,000 members. On the other hand, Abolish, the Welsh Assembly, their support is apparently growing. They're an interesting party, obviously, because they want to stand in a parliament that they also want to abolish. I looked at their manifesto and I thought to myself, this isn't a manifesto to govern before thinking, well of course it isn't

they have got a couple of manifesto points they want to build an M4 relief road and they want to abolish the Welsh Assembly you've got to get those things the right way round. I think this illustrates what Welsh politics is like. Mark Drakeford, leader of Welsh Labour, he was at the Carmarthen Boys' Gram the same time my mum was at the Carmarthen Girls' Gram. So you can imagine it.

They're hanging around in Carmarthen. It's a swing in the 60s. It's just young people listening to cool music, discussing whether the fledgling Welsh office should be responsible for agricultural subsidies in light of impending EEC membership. It's just a different time. And then you've got Andrew R.T. Davies,

leader of the Welsh Conservatives. Andrew R.T. Davies, a man who looks like he's trying to retweet his own name. a man who looks like he's trying to retweet his own name. He's a farmer and he describes himself as 19 stone of prime Welsh beef, which sounds like a really horrendous Tinder profile, isn't it? 19 stone. More a bit of 1980s rugby commentary, to be fair. Yes, the elections for the Welsh Senate will take place on the 6th of May. The parliamentary leaders went head-to-head in a televised debate this week

in an attempt to be more presidential, but if anything, I'd go the other way. I think presidential debates should try to be a bit more Welsh. It would have been far, far easier to sit through Trump and Biden bleating at each other if they'd both said please and thank you a bit more, discussed the relative merits of great fly halves and saluted a flag with a massive dragon on it. And this is a question for team Now Whatever, Helen and Ellis. Who has jumped before she could finish being pushed?

This must be Arlene Foster of the DUP. Correct. She was subject to a Foster of the DUP? Correct. She was subject to a letter of no confidence by the majority of people in her party, and so she's resigned. And now the best competition in British politics to be the successor to her is on, chosen by MLAs and MPs from the DUP.

So quite a niche electorate, shall we say. And also a slightly niche candidate, Paul, which includes the frontrunner, a guy who started his political career working for Enoch Powell and another one who is a young Earth creationist who doesn't believe in evolution. And the best quote came from here, a guy called Edwin Poots, who doesn't believe the universe started with a big bang,

and he said in a radio debate, we've had lots of explosions in Northern Ireland and I've never seen anything good come out of them. And so that's why he doesn't believe in a big thing. You know, I don't know an enormous amount about the DUP or Northern Irish politics, but whenever I read about the DUP, they just seem so chilled. Yeah, no, Arlene Foster was in many ways the voice of moderation, so that's going to be quite interesting.

And also has huge implications for Brexit, because the Northern Ireland Protocol, which treats Northern Ireland differently to the rest of the UK, is now the thing that the candidates will be running against. So, hooray! Simon, are you excited about the eruptions in Northern Irish politics? You could tell that, could you, looking at me? My general sense has been over the last 30 years or so

that everyone's been expecting it, you know, the whole border, the whole existence of Northern Ireland to sort of wither away. You know, there's this expectation that the Good Friday Agreement was essentially put in place as a sort of like that early stage in a magician's trick where you erect the blanket or the sheet or whatever. And meanwhile, everything behind it changes, you know, and then woof, it's gone. And the whole point of that really was that sufficient demographic change would make a unified Ireland inevitable. And the Catholics have really let us down. They've stopped breeding.

You know, they were at like... They used to go at it like hammer and tongs, the Catholics. Like they were knocking them out, like Gary Sobers, you know, on a sunny day. Can you just do that bit again, Simon? Because you said Garfield Sobers was from Trinidad and Tobago. He's from Barbados, of course. He was playing away.

I can't help but feel sorry for her, really, because they've obviously lost confidence in her. But the job she had was impossible. She was supposed to keep together what isn't and has never been ideologically whole and separate without separating what is physically contiguous land while keeping the unionists who if i'm right and correct me if i'm wrong wish to stay separate and the nationalists who wish to rejoin a country they aren't currently members of happy while allowing goods that can pass without tariffs through easily and quickly but making sure there's a customs check for everything else without checking everything but without missing anything either like if only she'd kept her mouth shut about gay marriage, she would have been fine, right? Yes, this Arlene Foster, leader of the DUP, has announced

she will step down following a vote of no confidence. The rebellion against Foster was sparked in part by loyalist anger over the party leadership's handling of Brexit with the introduction of Irish Sea Border Checks and, well, the situation is both a test and an opportunity for Boris Johnson. I mean, it's so difficult to know which gimmicky transport project is going to be most likely to bring the two sides together.

A logistically improbable tunnel, an economically unjustifiable bridge, a catapult trampoline sandpit network so you can go from Liverpool to Belfast via the Isle of Man in just two giant leaps. The Katwang-Boeing-Splat line could be the most viable of all the schemes yet suggested. Maybe even a unicycle and clown wig hire scheme, just to lighten the mood.

Or an omni-denominational bobsled run. Triple-decker pogo sticks, why not? Let's give them all a go. And that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz, and the final scores, Team Now Whatever have won and Team Yeah Right have 12. It's a cruel, but precious universe. Just some breaking news reaching us.

Alan Titchmarsh has revealed that after 40 years of trying, he has finally learned how to photosynthesise. LAUGHTER revealed that after 40 years of trying, he has finally learned how to photosynthesise. The former Gardeners World presenter said he was thrilled to finally be able to oxygenate a room and could now survive solely on the sunlight. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you to our guests this week, Ria Lena and Simon Evans,

Helen Lewis and Ellis James. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for much for listening. Thank you to our guests this week, Ria Lina and Simon Evans, Helen Lewis and Ellis James. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Ellis James, Helen Lewis, Ria Lina and Simon Evans. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser,

Mike Sheppard, Tasha Dunraj, and Tom Mayhew. The producer was Gwynry Stavis, and it was a BBC Studios production.