Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 7th May 2021

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

Andy Zaltzman presents a look back at the week's headlines with Paul Sinha, Angela Barnes, Ayesha Hazarika and Ian Smith.This week decorating, vaccinating and electioneering are subject to scrutiny by our teams.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard, Tasha Dhanraj and Ray Badran.Producer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Production Coordinator: Cherlynn Andrew-Wilfred Sound Editor: Marc Willcox A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Bonsoir. Nous sommes votre nouveau ouvelorde de la France. Après le takeover de la île de... Comment s'appelle? Pullover? No, no. Jersey. Jersey, yes. Jersey. The BBC's Radio 4 doesn't broadcast the news quiz like Andy Zalz... Zal... Zal... Zal... Zutalo. But in his place, this situational comedy,

hilarious, Napoleon and the mean baguette. And that is how this show could so easily have begun this week. Had the world maybe not intervened and saved all our lives yet again upon such slender threads. So welcome to the mercifully still-not-Norman-again News Quiz. Norman again. News quiz! Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman and as we record, the results from Thursday's elections are not yet in, so I do apologise if in this show we fail

to cover the astonishing resurgence of the Liberal Democrats to sweep to power in all local councils, the election of Count Binface as King of London, or the fact that Nicola Sturgeon is now camped outside the walls of Derby, painted head-to-toe in woad,

riding a wicker unicorn, eating a voodoo Winston Churchill and screaming, I am Sturgeor the Annihilator. We will update on all of that next week, of course. Our teams this week. Firstly, we have on Team Save the Red Wall, it's Angela Barnes and Ian Smith.

And against them on Team Save the Red Mullets, it's Ayesha Hazarika and Paul Sinha. Now, it was Super Thursday this week. Super Thursday, of course, named after Sue Perkins. She's a massive democracy fan. So, well, as I said, we don't know the results yet, but it hasn't been looking too good for Labour.

So this goes to Ayesha's team, Team Red Mullet, Ayesha and Paul. According to Keir Starmer, Labour's recovery needs more what? Votes. Well, it needs more something, doesn't it? More time, is it? Time is correct, yes. Aisha, you've worked with the Labour Party. What else would you say it needs other than time

and perhaps miracles? Maybe it needs more photographs of weird men wearing boxing gloves because that seems to be really helping the situation at the moment. Yeah, there's an obsession with politicians wearing boxing gloves and he did that PR sort of stunt in Holt and Vote Labour was written on the boxing gloves, which means one of two things. They've commissioned a pair of boxing gloves,

or that is official Labour merchandise. On their website, they have mugs, mouse mats, boxing gloves, knuckle dusters. It's the full range. Well, at one point, there was, like, some mistake, and the Labour Party famously tweeted out that everybody would get a free owl if they voted for the Labour Party. And I think, given where things are right now,

that could really help. I think that should be seriously considered. It would certainly turn people's heads. He could certainly turn people's heads. I think there's a couple of things that Keir Starmer can do. One, he's got to really embrace Boris's tactic of telling people what they want to hear, regardless of whether or not it's true, because it seems to be really working for the Tories.

See, I mean, we keep finding skeletons in Boris's closet and no-one cares. The only thing we're worried about is the fact that he's charged us for the Tories. See, I mean, we keep finding skeletons in Boris's closet and no-one cares. The only thing we're worried about is the fact that he's charged us for the bloody closet. First of all, with the caveat that it's not all bad news for Labour, it looks like the competition to see who's going to win the mayoral election is so finished now that the only thing that can stop Sadiq Khan, ironically,

is if people don't get to the polling station because of all the roadworks it's hard isn't it to get excited about local election it's a bit like with football like I can get excited about the world cup but anything else I can't really but I'm calling it super Thursday is just stupid nobody's going to be staying up all night tonight to find out who their police commissioner is, are they? People are bored. I think local elections are called local elections in the same way that anaesthesia is called local anaesthesia.

In that you kind of want to be aware of what's going on, but at the end you'll wish you'd slept through the whole thing. I do feel sorry, though, for Keir Starmer, because he is having a hard time, but he's been quite honest, because he has said that he's got a mountain to climb, but at this stage, I fear he's going to be one of those people that needs to get airlifted off the mountain, because they're wearing flip-flops. I do have a plan that just might work, though, which is, well, for a start, be in opposition, oppose.

I mean, it doesn't take a brilliant forensic lawyer to tear apart Boris's track record. But here's the chance. Vote a new leader in secret. Make it Harriet Harman, and then two weeks before the election, run a campaign called Who's H? LAUGHTER and then two weeks before the election run a campaign called Who's H? People vote Labour just to find out the answer. Ian, as our panellist from closest to Hartlepool as the crow flies,

or even as the crowing Conservative press officer flies, have you been gripped by election fever? Yeah, I mean, so I was looking into Hartlepool, the candidates running in Hartlepool by election, and it is madness. There's 16 of them. And the article I read was a bit like one of those BuzzFeed clickbait articles, where it says, here are the 16 by election candidates. You won't believe number seven. election candidates, you won't believe number seven. The one that I didn't believe, and this shows how crazy this is, I'm not worried about libel in saying this, there is a sex offender running in the Hartlepool by-election. There is a man who filmed someone through a window.

That's how bad Labour and the Conservatives have dropped. Hang on, you mean a convicted sex offender? Yeah, he's been convicted. I mean, I'm not using my first news quiz appearance to go down that quickly. Just bandaging it around like, yeah, he's done... No, he was convicted of this, he's kind of openly talked about it, but it just shows how bad things have got when even the sex-offending community is thinking, we've got a chance

here. Well, if anyone wants to understand how Labour have lost Hartlepool, Peter Mandelson has been quoted this week saying, he will have a meltdown if Hartlepool goes to the Tories. I think he may have underestimated the people of Hartlepool's desire for

him to have a meltdown. They won't even let the Conservative candidate for Hartlepool out. They've just kind of kept her inside. Like, it makes me wonder how gaff-prone they think she is that in her victory speech she's just going to come out and go, thank you, Blackpool! You've got to feel sorry, really, for whoever leads the Labour Party because you're dealing with such a divided party at the moment.

It's like you're the manager of a village hall and it's been double booked by the Mormons and a sex club and somehow you've got to please both of them. But I think there are reasons for Keir to be positive, because even if he doesn't make it, he's got a huge future in podcasting ahead of him. I think that's going to be a good thing for him to think about. And also, if this is the death of Keir's leadership,

at least he can count on Jeremy Corbyn to lay a wreath for him. He's also going to be fighting the winner of Anthony Joshua Tyson Fury as well The Starmer's main problem is people like Boris Johnson and you wonder why and the basic reason is for a lot of people he's living their dream he's a man devoid of competence skill, intuition and empathy

leading the country he's leading the country. That is what we all dream of being, that person. He's the man that knows that politics can be a cruel mistress and therefore has had more cruel mistresses than any other politician in history. Now, after any election, politicians on all sides of the political swamp will make wild claims about what the vote means, but the truth is generally more complex.

Each individual vote, of course, comes with different meanings, and this is where these come in. I've got some high-tech kit here. I don't know if you can see these at home. These are the Sofolatech Ballot-Turpretator 4.1X vote-interpreting goggles. And they are... Andy, is that half a toy Millennium Falcon?

They are the highest tech vote interpreting goggles you can get on the market. If you look at the X on any ballot paper, and I've stolen some ballot papers from the local elections here, our little secret, it tells you exactly what that person was genuinely voting for rather than just speculating on their motive. So I'm going to test our panellists with some votes

from the various elections that have been going on, see if they can find out what the public really means. So Ayesha, we'll start with you. I have a vote here for the SNP from the Scottish Parliament election. What does this SNP vote actually mean? It's a vote to say, sod off, Alex Salmond. mean? It's a vote to say, sod off Alex Salmond.

Oh, yeah, Sarah, I've got a reading now. No, what this vote actually means is it's not so much that the goalposts have been moved since 2014, but that Brexit has treated the goalposts very much like the Scottish football fans treated the goalposts at Wembley in 1977 when they turned the crossbar

into toothpicks, so no points. Ian, this is for you. This is a vote for the Conservatives in Hartlepool. Can you tell me what it means? I think it means that people enjoy receiving inheritance more than they do seeing their grandparents. Let's find out. I'll see if I can get a

reading on this. I've got a reading coming through, and what this vote means is nothing says we will solve rising child poverty in your area clearer than an £840 roll of wallpaper. Angela, I've got a vote for the Liberal Democrats in a local election here. Tell me what that means. I think it means you're the sort of person who would say their favourite ice cream flavour is vanilla, and you'd mean it. Let's find out.

We've got a reading now, and the reading on this vote is... The Liberal Democrats? My God, they still exist? What a blast from the past. Can't beat a good bit of nostalgia. And finally, Paul, it's a vote for Count Binface in the London mayoral election. Tell me what that means. Lawrence Fox must finish bottom. He's a breath of fresh air in the sense that there's no substance whatsoever.

The correct interpretation of this one, here it comes, is... I am a firm believer in face masks in the current climate and I want a political leader who fully commits. Count Binface, although of course technically pronounced Count Binface. So from an Italian aristocratic family. Yes, on Thursday millions of Britons headed and or didn't bother heading to the polls

to grasp their pencils of destiny once more onto their democracy-loving British hearts. There were national elections in Scotland and Wales, the biggest local and regional elections in decades due to a rollover from last year, and the chance to pick a mayor, a police and crime commissioner, and indirectly a new level of acceptable corruption and immorality in our political system.

Polling suggests that Labour have bounced back from their 2019 election defeat like a spring rabbit bouncing back from its defeat against a freight lorry in the outside lane of the M6. And Keir Starmer appears to be cutting through to the electorate like a cucumber sandwich slicing through the walls of a nuclear bomb shelter. A rather more promising week in England, at least, for Boris Johnson, a man who was famously bitten by a jar of radioactive marmite as a child

and has had a supernatural ability to split opinion ever since. All right, let's move on. The score is two to Redwall, two to Red Mullets. And here's our next question today. This goes to both teams. Who threatened to cut what off from whom and why? I'm a bit late on this, but is it Paul Gauguin, Vincent van Gogh

and his ear? It's good, but it's not right. Could it be a doctor, a life support machine and to charge his mobile phone? It's not that. Any further guesses? Is it John Lewis threatening to cut Kia Starmer off from their stores because of damage to their brand? Again, it could be, but it's not what I've got written down.

Is it the world's weakest threat? It could well be. Is this France threatening to cut off electricity to Jersey? Correct. That's two points for Team Red Mullet. Completely overestimating that threat. I mean,

I'm not saying that Jersey aren't that reliant on electricity, but I don't think they've even got around to listening to radio yet, so we can pretty much say what we like about Jersey. But I don't think they've even got around to listening to radio yet, so we can pretty much say what we like about Jersey. This is all the French fishermen, isn't it,

getting upset about the fishing licences in Jersey. And I just think they're going to be so embarrassed when they realise that you can buy fish in supermarkets these days. You know? Hang on, what? I just think if I was a French fisherman, right, what I would do is I would sit just outside the British waters with a shed load of fish food and just dump it in the water and let the fish come to me, problem solved, right?

No need for all this fuss. I do have to say, I do love this story because it feels like on the eve of local elections, the full Brexit dream has been realised. We are actually going to war with the fuss. You remember that flotilla, the Brexit... I'm waiting for, like, Nigel Farage and, like, Kate Hoey to kind of turn up on their flotilla.

And it's moments like this where you're just so grateful that Gavin Williamson is not the Defence Secretary. Isn't that all moments? One of the Navy ships that we sent over is called HMS Tamar It sounds like a really middle-class girl I think working-class names for ships would end conflicts quicker If we could send over HMS Frank and HMS Chloe Louise We've been here before with the

cod wars. We have gone to war over fish. And imagine if your only war record was the cod wars. Grandad, what did you do in the war? Oh, I don't know. We ate McNuggets. This is part of the problem, isn't it, that we sort of fought for our fishing rights, but actually most of the fish that we catch in Britain we have to export anyway,

which obviously now we're out of the EU, that's the problem. So we're just going to end up with this surplus of fish. We're going to have to start making fish roast dinners or like fishketty bolognese or something. I don't know. I do love the fact that Jersey is back in the spotlight. I feel this is like a really good moment for Jersey because, you know, not since Bergerac

have people really cared about Jersey. I mean, when are they parachuting John Nettleson to sort this out? Bergerac was actually remade in the USA as Jersey Shore. Very, very different programme. It probably shows how qualified I am to talk about this. So I put Jersey in Google Maps before the show and I don't want to sound unpatriotic,

but my first thought was, yeah, that's France. I think it's French. Well, I think if we've got Jersey, we should let France have the Isle of Wight, because I think if the Isle of Wight was French, more of us would go there. Yes, this is the latest from the schmuzzle in Jersey. We are still waiting for the final tapestry to come in

of the latest Anglo-French combat. But what we do know is this. It's war! I mean, it's obviously not, but it's war of sorts. If by war you mean an astonishingly infantile post-Brexit dispute about fish. And France has threatened to cut off electricity to the island over the Rau, with a

fleet of 80 of the French's available fishing vessels blockading the port in Saint-Hélia in what can only be described as an empoissante protest. The British government has dispatched two Royal Navy gunboats to de-escalate the situation in a way that only the sudden arrival of armed warships can.

Right, the score is four points to Team Redwall, four points to Team Red Mullet. And our next question can go to Team Redwall, to Angela and Ian. When did going to a 3,000-strong rave in a disused warehouse become just like watching Snooker? Do you know, Snooker, I can't think of anything more tedious. I said, oh, cricket's boring, and Snooker went, hold my beer. Have I just said those things out loud on Radio 4?

I'm going to get cancelled. Oh, absolutely. I'm going to be the first person to be cancelled by boomers. I think it just needs cheerleaders. If Snoop had cheerleaders, that would be good.

Just to have Ronnie O'Sullivan come into the room and a group of five girls going, give me an O! Give me an apostrophe. So basically they've done a test, haven't they, at the Crucible with the snooker championships with a real live audience and they're all having to do Covid tests or whatever and then they're going to measure

the sort of... I don't know how it works. I mean, because whenever my dad used to watch snooker, all you'd be able to hear is people coughing. So I don't know if there's just going to be somebody with a clipboard just taking a note each time they hear one. I don't know how they're measuring it. That was like the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire thing, that was people coughing to give codes.

Take blue to middle pocket. It's very important for them in the snooker not to make people feel awful if they tested positive. That would be a witch hunt, and they don't want the words witch hunt and the crucible in the same sentence. That was the most Radio 4 response... Oh, very good.

He made an Arthur Miller reference. Did you get that, Marjorie? Very good. It's like a cross-bender Radio 4 response and a response at the Crucible to a well-played safety shot. And they did a music festival, didn't they? Now, I'm a veteran of many music festivals. I love the music festival, but I tell you,

coronavirus is the least of your worries of what you're going to catch at a music festivals. I love the music festival, but I tell you, coronavirus is the least of your worries of what you're going to catch at a music festival. For many years, my nickname was Kent Variant because I just went around the country to music festivals spreading a virus.

It was... Actually, I think the real reason why they're getting all the festivals COVID secure is because the average age of a Glastonbury headliner is now about 97. And I think...

They're like, Mick Jagger, we've got to be kind of ready for Mick Jagger next year. But my main thing about festivals starting is I just want one more final hot girl summer before my menopause kicks in properly. So that is my main thing. People are talking about vaccine passports hot girl summer before my menopause kicks in properly. So that is my main... LAUGHTER People are talking about vaccine passports,

and I'm not against vaccine passports, really, you know, if it gets everything open, but I'm against discussing them now when not everyone has had the chance to get vaccinated, because if they open up sporting events to people who have had both vaccines, we're going to watch an FA Cup final with 90,000 pensioners. That's the crowd.

Chelsea pensioners. Chanting at the referee, we can't see what you're doing. I do forget, I've had my first vaccine and I keep forgetting that I'm not invincible yet having your first vaccine doesn't mean you're vaccinated it's like if I've only had one finger of a Kit Kat I've not finished breakfast Yes, this is the resumption of crowds at events, beginning with raves in Liverpool and snooker.

I think the person who chose the events for this trial has been in lockdown since 1993. Was perhaps disappointed that it didn't feature two unlimited versus Terry Griffiths. They've never appeared in the same sentence before. Thousands of people crammed into a non-socially distanced, non-bemasked club in Liverpool as part of the trial to see if the re-legalisation of fun can proceed.

The public health director of Liverpool, however, said, this is not about fun, this is serious learning we're doing here, which is exactly how primary school teachers justify school trips to Legoland. Clearly, with nightclubbing and watching snooker, the authorities quite sensibly chose two activities at completely opposite ends of the energetic activity spectrum, because all human activities lie in between nightclubbing

and watching the snooker. So if those two pass off without a hitch, we can do literally anything. Disappointingly, they overlooked the option to hold the World Snooker Final in a nightclub with 3,000 clubbers giving it large. Just to see if it could break Mark Selby's granite concentration. Moving on now to one final question. Angela, you're getting married this year, right?

I am. Correct, yes. That's two points to Angela's team there. So here's a question for your team. What common species of hominid has finally been officially confirmed as existing on marriage certificates? This week, the Home Office corrected what they called a historic anomaly because presumably they couldn't spell symbol of misogynistic patriarchy by saying that now on a marriage certificate they will add the mother's name as well as the father's name i mean it is a bit like you know women are a transit van

you buy on gumtree that you've got a sort of, you know, it's a transaction between two blokes and you've got to pass over the logbook. Like, that's not what happens. I mean, it's great that they're now putting women on the marriage certificate and everything. I just wish they'd changed the other things that need changed. So, for example, I'm having a humanist wedding and much like any member of the SNP that isn't Nicola Sturgeon,

it's only recognised in Scotland and not in England and Wales, right? I don't want to have a religious wedding, and especially after watching Fleabag, because I just can't trust myself in front of a priest. But the other thing that they have changed now is that instead of signing the register, like physically signing it, it's all gone electronic now,

and I just think that's the only good bit about signing the register. I want a gild it's all gone electronic now. And I just think that's the only good bit about signing the register. I want a gilded ledger with a fountain pen, not leaving my thumbprint on a Death Us Do Part app. Where's the romance? I think it would be better if you

just get a sticker like when you've been to the dentist. I've been a brave girl. Of course mothers should be on the wedding certificate but I think they should also have the right to have an asterisk next to their name and underneath it just says I didn't approve of any of this by the way As I know from every time that my mum calls Oliver

Oh, you're Paul's friend, aren't you? As I know from every time that my mum calls Oliver, oh, you're Paul's friend, aren't you? Also, I think you can have the name on the certificate, but if you were personally responsible for saying to me three days before the wedding, I think you need £2,000 worth more of bacon rolls and nobody eats any of those bacon rolls, I'm just saying that I have the right to take your name off the wedding certificate.

I mean, but I hope that one of the positive consequences of this means that Who Do You Think You Are will be about half an hour shorter now. I think they could make Who do you think you are really short if it was just someone who's quite arrogant and then a horse saying to them, who do you think you are? End of episode.

New legislation has been brought in so that both parents of brides and grooms in England and Wales will be added to marriage certificates for the first time, which is very nice unless your mother is in deep cover as a spy and your marriage certificate results in her being exposed to her enemies. I think we might have a new film franchise. Previously, if you wanted to find out who the mothers were at a wedding, you just had to approach whoever was wearing the biggest hat

in a game officially known as Mother or Archbishop. Before we go, some breaking news just reaching us. After two England-based football teams reached the Champions League final, football fans in East Manchester and West London have taken to the streets to protest in favour of exactly the current amount of corporate hijacking of the beautiful game. A spokesman for the fan said the game should be heisted away from ordinary fans to become the plaything of morally questionable billionaires but only up to this point and absolutely no further, please.

That brings us to the end of this week's news quiz. Convincing winners, Team Red Wall have 13, Team Red Mullets have five. Thanks to Angela Barnes and Ian Smith to Ayesha Hazarika and Paul Sinha. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the

News Quiz were Angela Barnes, Ayesha Hazarika, Ian Smith and Paul Sinha. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Shepherd, Tasha Ian Smith and Paul Sinhar. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Shepherd, Tasha Dunraj and Ray Badron. The producer was Gwynne Rees-Davis and it was a BBC Studios production.