Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 10th November

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They are joined by Alasdair Beckett-King who mourns his political heroes, Desiree Burch with a deep dive on fast fashion, and Huge Davies gives us his musical take on why AI might not be so bad after all.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Mike Shephard, Zoe Tomalin, Christina Riggs and Cody Dahler.Voice actors: Daniel Barker & Gemma ArrowsmithProducer: Sasha Bobak Production Coordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Desiree Birch, Alistair Beckett-King, Daniel Barker, Gemma Arrowsmith and Hugh Davis. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you very much. Hello. Well, it was the King's speech this week and it was a bit different to the last one 71 years ago. Yeah, I watched the whole thing, and he didn't stammer once. It was widely noticed that the speech contained a number of measures that Charles is assumed to personally disagree with, although there was nothing really groundbreaking, except new licences for oil and gas exploration.

Yeah, which kind of have to be groundbreaking, or they won't find any. Charles might well also not have approved of rolling back various environmental protections. They obviously worried that he might read through it and think... I might make a few changes to this. But they made sure he couldn't by checking there was nothing available to change it with.

He was reportedly overheard muttering... Where's that bloody pen? It was either that or put in a few policies they thought might go down well. My government intends to reduce the tax on all premium-quality jams, chutneys and shortbread. There was also a ban on selling canisters of nitrous oxide or laughing gas for recreational use.

Which will have noticeable effects for a start. It's going to make these recordings a lot quieter. Although rumours of a similar plan to ban the inhaling of other well-known gases were denied by a spokesman who said... We currently have no plans to do that. The opening of Parliament is a cross-party occasion, of course, but not really. Like everything at the moment, it's highly divisive. Everything has to be an argument all the time.

Everything has to be one side or the other. And some people just want to make it worse. Nadine Dorries, for example, has also been trying to increase divisiveness this week with the publication of her book, The Plot, which claims to expose the shadowy political figure responsible for removing Boris Johnson from power. His name?

Boris Johnson. According to Nadine, there is a secret cabal that runs the Conservative Party behind the scenes. It's called the Movement. No one disputes that stuff goes on behind the scenes, of course. For years, people used to say that the Conservatives

were run by the men in grey suits, who were a bit like the men in black, except instead of wiping your memory with a flash gun, they would use six double gins and a creme de menthe. According to Nadine, the movement used threats inside Downing Street, such as... If you don't go, I'm going to take you down. I'll finish you off. Although it's unclear from the book whether that was a member of the movement talking to Boris, or Boris talking to a hobnob.

But there might be elements of truth in it. It is, for example, true that the movement did play a central role in deposing Liz Truss. The movement being the one in the international money markets that doubled interest rates in a week. Fortunately, most of the country doesn't really seem interested in all this. What were there being? Two wars, a Covid inquiry, and a number of disallowed goals in a Premier League.

Yes, much discord this week about VAR or Video Assistant Referee. Or Very Agonising Replays, depending on your view. But the name makes it sound very high-tech, when it's really just some blokes in a shed in a place called Stockley Park watching telly. Because referees are like children, aren't they? They used to get outside

and run around, but nowadays they just stay indoors staring at screens. VAR is proving divisive. If King Charles wants popular measures to announce, he should take note. My government will seek to ensure that no-one should wait for an operation for more than six weeks. No-one should wait to see a GP for more than ten days. And no-one should have to wait for a handball decision

for more than 45 seconds. Now, across the Atlantic, things are, if anything, even more divisive than here, and most divisive of all, of course, is Donald Trump, whose behaviour in court this week at his fraud trial prompted the judge to say at one point... I beseech you, control him, or I will! A sentence not heard in public since the 17th century. Trump was his usual modest self at one point... I beseech you, control him, or I will...a sentence not heard in public since the 17th century.

Trump was his usual modest self at one point, talking about a valuation of his golf course in Scotland. Aberdeen is a very rich place, it's an incredible piece of land, and it may be the greatest golf course ever built. It's always superlatives with Trump. Everything is the greatest this or the biggest that, although, weirdly, there are some genuine records that he doesn't mention.

No president in history has ever faced as many felony charges as me in all of history. Many people say no US president has ever achieved as much fraud as I did. It seems like there isn't anything that can't be used to divide people. For example, you would think that a heartwarming story about rescuing a sheep that's been stranded for two years

at the foot of a cliff in northern Scotland might bring people together. But no, the rescue of the animal that the press dubbed... Britain's loneliest sheep. Which is very lazy, by the way, because it should really have been... Britain's loneliest sheep. Bah! None.

It became very controversial because there were two separate groups planning to rescue her. An animal rights group thought they'd reached an agreement to manage the rescue, but then left the site to go to the shops, allowing a group of farmers time to winch the sheep up 200 feet to the top of the cliff, which suggests that it can be a long way to the shops in northern Scotland. Basically, it was a sheep heist.

It was carried out right under the noses of the rival gang. We are the Sheep Preservation Society. But the divisiveness doesn't end there. Having missed out on the rescue, the animal rights people discovered that Fiona, the sheep in question, was being sent to a petting zoo and began protesting outside. With the result that Fiona has now been taken into hiding, it's believed to be the first time that a sheep

has had to be placed in witness protection. OK, here's your new passport, identity papers, new set of horns, everything you need. You're now a goat named Giselle from Connecticut. Where you attended Yale as a mascot for the women's lacrosse team. If anyone gets suspicious, what do you tell them? Wrong noise, ma'am. Many questions remain.

Why did she want to live on a barren ledge? Did she slip? Did she get lost? Did she want to change the narrative about sheep and be free-thinking and independent? Or should we believe the Home Secretary's theory? It was a lifestyle choice. We also don't know why Fiona was first spotted two years ago, but nothing was done.

In all UK lost sheep cases, the first person to be contacted is, of course, Bo Peep, who recommended standard procedure. Leave her alone and she'll come home. Advice which the Scottish government say badly needs revising. You wouldn't believe a simple sheep rescue could be so divisive, but it was. Everything was controversial. There were complaints that she

shouldn't have been sheared, that she shouldn't have gone to a petting zoo, that no one checked her pronouns before calling her Fiona. And when the photo of the rescue was shown on BBC News, viewers complained that she wasn't wearing a poppy. Thank you very much. Now, what this country needs right now is a hero, and we're putting someone forward for the position right after we check his references. Would you please welcome Alistair Beckett King! Hello, it's me, Alistair Beckett King. I'm often described as a Renaissance man,

because I'm 500 years old, and I poo in the street. Now, they say there are no more heroes. Is that true? When I think of British heroes, I think of Boudicca, Robin Hood, the Catbin Lady, Mr Blobby, Compo from Last of the Summer Wine and perhaps greatest of all, Boris Johnson. It has been a tough week for people like me who idolised Boris Johnson. It has been a tough week for people like me who idolised Boris Johnson. The revelations of the Covid inquiry have shattered my image of Johnson as an honest man who would never blow a hairdryer up his nose. That is absolutely not the kind of blow I associate with a Tory MP's nose. Until this week, I believed that Boris Johnson was the Winston Churchill of our times. These days,

there are no heroes like Winston Churchill. In fact, it's become fashionable among today's left-wing stand-up comedians to say that Churchill was racist because of the racist things he said and did. No, come on. Do we really want to start judging people based on their words and actions? In truth, there are no political heroes these days. This week, Sohla Braverman failed in her attempt to ban homeless people from sleeping in tents.

She wrote... We cannot allow our streets to be taken over by rows of tents occupied by people, many of them from abroad, living on the streets as a lifestyle choice. She doesn't seem worried that the number of rough sleepers has gone up so much as that the quality of rough sleepers is going down. And she's right. When was the last time you saw a proper English street urchin solving a case for Mr. Sherlock Holmes? There are no political heroes today. What's that I hear you cry? What about Keir Starmer? No, none of you said that. The kindest thing I can say about Keir Starmer is that you can sing his name to the

Goldfinger music. Keir Starmer, he's a man. And in a way, he is. Honestly, I believe the true hero of my lifetime is not a politician, but an inventor from the 1990s. As a millennial, I believe the true hero of my lifetime is not a politician, but an inventor from the 1990s. As a millennial, I remember the 90s as if they were yesterday, when they were actually ten years ago. And I will never forget my hero, the inventor of the dial-up modem noise. We've done it, sir. We've invented the 56K dial-up modem. This is going to revolutionise home computing. That is fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. What kind of noise does it

make? Oh, well, it doesn't make a noise. Exactly what it does is connect your personal computer to the... Oh, it's got to make a noise, son. What's the noise? I guess it could go beep? Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I have in mind, no. What should it sound like? Oh, I don't know. Something like...

You want it to go... Oh, no, no. That's not it at all. It should go... And it should do that when you install the modem. No, no, no, no. Every time. They say there are no more heroes, but maybe we're looking in the wrong places.

Perhaps we should be building statues to ordinary, boring people like you, and to a lesser extent, me. When I was a kid, my heroes were train conductors. I loved train conductors. Now, I won't call them train guards, because they're not guards. If you're on a train and you say, ''Guards, seize him!'' they do nothing. But for my money, train conductors are the only true heroes in Great Britain. A train conductor goes into work every day. Well, not every day.

But almost every day, they go into work and they pick up the worst microphone in the universe. And God love them, they mumble. Welcome aboard this Brambley Nine Creases surface two wrinkly scone baggage. My name is Clen, shall be your private dancer for the width of this journey.

We do have a cross section of hot and cold hemorrhages in the under seat overhead vestibules provided. Advanced kitchen holders, please make sure you have all your chickens and glasses ready and thank you for travelling to choose with us today.

Once again, this is your humbly subleases surface, two nimbly fond maggots, calling it merkin, beef in the hall, gumption under lime, and shinty, where this train detonates. Please make sure you have all your childhood memories with you when leaving the train.

Train conductors are my heroes. Drab, truculent jobsworths who are in danger of being replaced by a computer. For me, nobody represents the people of Britain better. And that's Rebecca King there. So, this week saw a lot of anniversaries of varying kinds. For example, it was 90 years ago this week that the first photographs of the alleged Loch Ness Monster were published. Yes, and we're stressing alleged there,

regarding the prehistoric relic supposedly lurking in 700 feet of water. Yeah, face it, if it's been around for 90 years, that makes it Britain's first deep fake. The Loch Ness Monster is perhaps Britain's most famous mythical creature, up there with the Beast of Bodmin and the Surrey Puma. Yes, both wildcats but with different diets. The Beast of Bodmin primarily preys on farmland sheep and chickens, while the Surrey Puma generally heads around the back of waitrose.

Then Saturday sees the birthday of the world's longest-running television news programme. Tonight on Panorama, we ask, why can't the Now Show get the rights to the Panorama theme tune? 2023 also marks 400 years since the publication of the first printed collection of Shakespeare's plays. And eight years since Boris Johnson signed a contract to write a book about their author. Earlier this year, Hodder and Staunton, the publishers,

confirmed that Johnson is still under contract. Nobody's sure whether that means they're still expecting the book or whether they've hired a hitman to get their advance back. It's a significant anniversary, though. Shakespeare's first folio is one of the landmark books in literary

history, up there with the King James Bible, Decline and Fall, The Roman Empire, and, of course, the plot by Nadine Doris. The folio contained 36 plays, including Henry IV, parts one and two, Henry V, Henry VI, Henry VIII, and the much-disputed lost play, Horrid Henry. The folio's compilers sometimes had to make decisions about titles.

Henry VI's parts I, II and III appeared in quarto as Henry VI, Henry VI Judgment Day and Henry VI Rise of the Machines. Shakespeare is known to have been influenced by Christopher Marlowe and was probably trying to emulate his big hit, Faust and Furious. Marlowe and was probably trying to emulate his big hit, Faust and Furious. But the 36 plays of the folio have become, of course, renowned worldwide. Although Shakespeare is not without his critics. Some say his plays are unrealistic and his characters don't act like real people. And I do admit Shakespeare would have made a terrible agony uncle.

Right, well, I've got a letter here from Malcolm in Scotland, and he says... Dear Bill, my father Duncan recently died in a dagger-related incident, passing the family business over to a colleague rather than myself. I feel conflicted about my place in the new structure, and I think I may have been passed

over for a promotion that should have rightfully been mine. Well, Melk, you know, change can be difficult for all of us. Have you considered dressing up as a tree and attacking this other bloke's house? Four centuries of Caesar, Hamlet, Lear. I wonder if people will still be reading Shakespeare in another 400 years' time.

And more importantly, will Boris's Shakespeare book have been published yet? years' time. And more importantly, will Boris's Shakespeare book have been published yet? Saturday is the 105th anniversary of the end of the First World War, with Remembrance Day on Sunday. For the first time in 28 years,

the British Legion have developed a new poppy design. Yes, that's right. This year, they've created a poppy that is completely plastic-free, a feat which had previously only been achieved by poppies. This year has brought controversy, though. Saturday also sees a pro-Palestine march,

which will cross the Thames at Vauxhall Bridge, a mile up the river from Whitehall. Suella Braverman said that anyone trying to vandalise the cenotaph... ..must be put in a jail cell faster than their feet can touch the ground. Although anyone who manages to vandalise the cenotaph.....must be put in a jail cell faster than their feet can touch the ground. Although anyone who manages to vandalise the cenotaph from over a mile away is more likely to be offered a show in Vegas than a Channel 4 special. I almost feel sorry for Suella Braverman,

because it looks like some of our fears about artificial intelligence have come to pass. She's secretly been trying to create a RoboCop that she can bend to her will. I want you to cancel the march, Rollybot. I will not cancel the march. I have no grounds to. Do as I say, Rollybot.

Cancel the march. Why don't you cancel the march yourself? Wait, you can't, can you? You're against council culture. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And finally, not strictly an anniversary, but a notable achievement, British women have topped the OECD's list of the world's biggest female binge drinkers.

Yes, get in! Woo! Yes, the 26% of women who have more than six drinks in a single session at least once a month are identified as binge drinkers. Yes, and the 45% of British men who do the same thing identify themselves as bloody legends. So, here to talk us through all things fast fashion, please welcome Desiree Birch. to talk us through all things fast fashion. Please welcome Desiree Birch. This week, BBC Panorama released an expose about broken promises and exploitation in the garment industry. The program went undercover at Boohoo, which is an online fashion retailer and not just something Suella Braverman sneers when she hears an orphanage is burned down.

This scandal comes after Channel 4's dispatches uncovered in 2017 that Boohoo's UK factory workers earn less than minimum wage in unsafe working conditions, leading them to promise to overhaul their practices. So, let me get this straight. Boohoo got caught on an undercover TV show reneging on a promise they made after getting caught on an undercover TV show. I mean, that kind of feels like getting caught cheating on your girlfriend by your wife. It's both reassuring that manufacturing jobs are staying in the UK and horrific that these practices are happening right underneath our noses. We like to think of sweatshops in faraway places, China, India, Vietnam, not Leicester. The only person who

deserved to be held for too long in Leicester is Richard III. At least he got a good parking spot, you know? All of this and more have brought fast fashion back into the public gaze, and that gaze is pointed directly at the floor of a Primark, because that is where they keep their clothes. Fast fashion is clothing produced at high volumes and low prices that moves quickly from design to retail, generally to the detriment of garment workers and the environment. These are the brands that you know and love.

Basically, if you bought it at a shopping center and not from a sentient pile of granola who macromated on Etsy, it's probably fast fashion. And look, I am not standing here to point fingers at anyone. I am among the guiltiest in this room of consuming fast fashion. Fat fashion is typically fast fashion. I mean, fat people just started getting clothes in the 80s, and most of them are aggressively patterned to hide our bodies. Like, what's with all the flowers, Evans? Who died? My sex life? Perfect.

You know, I still want my entire wardrobe to look like the plastic-covered upholstery at my aunt's house. Oh my God, this dress is so cute. It's fire-resistant, and it has cup holders in the arm. Oh my God, this dress is so cute. It's fire resistant and it has cup holders in the arm. Buying new clothes from an established retailer with a history of quality and realistic prices is increasingly no longer an option. Boohoo alone has purchased Karen Millen, Burton, Dorothy Perkins,

Wallace, Coast, Oasis, and Debenhams. That's right, Debenhams. Do I have your attention now, Radio 4? Debenhams, the John Lewers for people who didn't work hard enough in school. All told, the fashion industry is responsible for 10% of all global emissions, more than aviation and shipping combined. So Greta Thunberg might want to consider protesting at clothing stores as well, although as a 20-year-old woman looking furious in a Zara,

she might be confused for staff. Just like we all have to wear clothes, since the alternative is socially and legally frowned upon, we also all have to live on this planet. So what are we going to do about it, y'all? Look, as a child of the 80s who had to learn over a bowl of Cheerios that there's no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex, I think we might start adopting models of less deathy shopping or lower exploitation clothes. Like when you buy

something, whether it's on the high street or your laptop, consider how many different ways you can use it. The average article of clothing should last you around five years or one Martin Scorsese film. When you've bought it, Google those hieroglyphics on the label because nearly a third of clothing is binned because of washing and drying damage. And then those clothes wind up in a landfill, releasing greenhouse gases as they biodegrade. It turns out all those farts that you hid inside of them were both silent and deadly. So just buy less. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot it's Radio 4. Just buy fewer. The average Briton has 118 items in their closet. And while I get that everyone is going to need to wear all those outfits daily to get through this winter with the cost of heating being as high as it is, studies show that around 14 of those items in your closet

have never been worn. So since you already got the high from buying the motorcycle jacket and imagining how bangable it would make you seem to three women who have already ghosted you, perhaps go and donate it to some other man who doesn't realize what he actually needs is therapy. And for those people who hate people and the outside, there are online secondhand apps where you can find gorgeous outfits that someone has photographed, crumpled up on their bedroom floor. It'll feel just like shopping at Primark, I promise. That was Desiree Birch. Now, I don't know whether you saw a survey in Metro newspaper this week listed the top 50 nicknames in the UK.

Big Man, I think, came top. So we've asked our audience here for their favourite nicknames and how those nicknames came about. Do you know any people who go by nicknames? Yeah, there's this guy who still calls himself the Prime Minister. Do any people you know go by nicknamesames our five-a-side footy squad used to be fish boy bash flash sticky spud spaniel biddy and wait for it keith my daughter gets called fedora by her friends. Why? Her name is Hattie.

So, yes, thank you very much, particularly to Big Man, for sharing those with us. And that is almost it for this week. But first, yet another musician, rapper Bad Bunny, was infuriated this week after AI was used to replicate his voice on a track. Let's see how our very own musician feels about the technology. Please welcome Huge Davis. So I was speaking to this guy at a party last week and he said, AI is taking over and only in a number of years, whether it's tech, media, education, finance,

we are all going to be replaced. The AI will take all of our jobs. They are going to take all of our jobs. And when I heard this, I thought, yeah, right. Fine. Since I've had a job, I've wanted to stop. When it comes to work, I'm kind of a snob. Everyone complains about their job all day Now a robot's taking all our work away, yay

An AI robot would be better than me A robot doesn't need food, TV or sleep It would take five seconds, it would save a lot Not ticking that box, asking if I'm a robot. The AI's coming and I'm kind of relieved. I've worked to the bone, I can barely breathe. But breathing isn't something that you have to do. If you're a program, baby, bring on that coup, yes.

Why stop at robots taking jobs from us? If they can take our jobs, they could take our stuff. Well, we wouldn't need stuff if we lived outdoors, because a robot took my house. Now I sleep in the woods. Yes, I've always really

wanted to sleep under the stars whilst hiding from a robot that I put in my car And it's all our fault That we're going extinct But it saved us some time So it was worth it I think Oh the AI's coming

And I'm kind of relieved To see something every sci-fi Has preconceived People saying AI Has taken my job Well if robots can replace us maybe it's time to stop Fighting for our freedom cause we've followed our dreams It's made us very tired and depressed it seems

A robot doesn't dream, it just picks up the slack Our brains are too slow so we've trimmed off the fat And in many many years into the future from now a robot will hear this while it's having a browse thinking why did humans spend their last years to live knowing all of this whilst tuning in always taking the piss every week at half past six. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punch, Hugh Dennis, Alistair Beckett-King, Desiree Birch, Daniel Barker and Gemma Arrowsmith. The song was written and performed by Hugh Davis.

The show was written by the cast with additional material from Mike Sheppard, Zoe Tomalin, Christina Riggs and Cody Darla. The producer was Sasha Bobak and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi Greg, I'm a long-time listener to the show, and I'm not lying when I say it has changed my life. I'm Greg Foot, and my podcast, Sliced Bread, from BBC Radio 4, is back to separate more science fact from marketing fiction. For me, they're the best things in sliced bread, and they're not marketing BS. Each week, I investigate a new wonder product promising you the world. At this time of year, my husband and I suffer from hay fever.

What I would like you to look into, though, are the tablets. This series, a whole new batch of wonder products are being run through the evidence mill, including motion sickness tablets, weighted blankets, and we're starting with one of the hot topics at the moment, vapes. Just search for sliced Bread on BBC Sounds.