Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 15th April

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Sarah Keyworth, Jeff Norcott, Jason Forbes, Charlie Jahan and Jess Robinson. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you. Thank you. So, it's Easter week, but there's been so much going on, there's been no time for the usual pre-Easter rituals. No made-up row about a left-wing council insisting Easter eggs be relabelled culturally neutral seasonal non-dairy chocolate ovoids. No-one writing to The Guardian to say,

actually, it's named after a pagan god. But fortunately, one Easter ritual has been adhered to. British Airlines announced the arrival of traditional bank holiday travel chaos. Would passengers please proceed to gate 14, where TV news crew are waiting to film you asleep on a bench. Yep, good old British travel chaos is here. One man even turned up to the airport 13 hours early to ensure he made his flight, giving him just enough time to try on all the frames in Sunglass Hut. Incidentally, for all the dads listening,

we know what you're thinking. 13 hours? That's cutting it a bit fine. The roads are equally bad. If you're listening on Friday, you're probably in a traffic jam somewhere. And if you're listening on Saturday, you're probably a few miles probably in a traffic jam somewhere. And if you're listening on Saturday, you're probably a few

miles further down the traffic jam somewhere. According to motoring organisations, this is likely to be the busiest weekend for eight years. And among the many people trapped in the jams this weekend will be Liverpool and Man City fans, since there are no direct trains to London due to engineering work, as well as

urgent safety checks on the Metropolitan Line. This year's end of season Road to Wembley DVD may just consist of two hours of Contraflows on the M6. All of which may explain why the Prime Minister got his trip to Kiev out of the way last weekend. Unsurprisingly, the trip was not announced in advance, but surprisingly, Boris took the train. He flies to Cornwall, but gets the train to Kiev. Proving that Conservatives are serious about the low-carbon option if there are Russian ground-to-air missiles involved.

The trip was a success and many more influential Western politicians are hoping to visit in the near future. Keir Starmer is on the waiting list somewhere between the Deputy Prime Minister of Liechtenstein and Jackie Weaver. He returned home to a reminder that during lockdown his wife had organised a surprise birthday party for him. The surprise being a fine for all the guests two years later.

The Metropolitan Police, having noticed nothing at the time and done nothing for months, have now fined dozens of Downing Street employees, including the Prime Minister and Chancellor. Perhaps seeing what their previous coverage had done to the opinion polls, some newspapers changed their tone. The birthday cake never even left its Tupperware box. Sobbed the Mail, bewailing the injustice of justice.

That's the same Daily Mail whose headline in February read... There are photos of Boris at criminal Downing Street parties. Dominic Cummings claims. So, legally, whether the cake left its Tupperware box or not is not really relevant. It's good news for some, of course. Prior to this week, Westminster Council had only handed out 25 fines, each of £1,000.

But now they're wondering if they can cut next year's council tax. In a barrage of suspiciously similarly worded statements MPs rushed to insist it was time to move on and that Boris had more important things to do such as finding a party donor to pay his fine for him. Now we have to be careful here so we will just stick to the facts. Fact one is that the ministerial code section 1.3 paragraph c clearly says ministers who knowingly mislead parliament will be expected to offer their resignation. And the second is that on December 8th last year, the Prime Minister told Parliament...

I have been repeatedly assured, since these allegations emerged, that there was no party and no Covid rules were broken. Well, you can say one thing about the ministerial code. It's Dan Brown's dullest novel. And if you've never read it, it's a bit like the highway code, except you don't have to take any notice of it. Although, ironically, since the evidence emerged, the Prime Minister can only keep the backbenches on side

by following a fundamental rule of the highway code and giving way to people coming from the right. But if the Prime Minister can't wait for the bank holiday, it was an even worse week for the Chancellor, who saw his succession chances all but disappear in controversy about his tax status, got fined for a party he wasn't even invited to, and had to abandon his plans for an Easter weekend at his house in California. Possibly just to avoid the questions at immigration. Hi, you've come from the UK, but you have a green card. Had a green card, yes.

Which we only give you if you intend to live in the US permanently. Excuse me, I got here too early. Can you tell me the way to Sunglass Hut? Will you let us in? Of course! This isn't the UK. This is America. We love rich people. The house in California is one of four Sunak houses, their properties being the subjects of a new Channel 4 documentary,

Location, Location, Location. Location. In a stroke, he went from dishy-rishy to slightly fishy-rishy. Before the end of this Parliament, In a stroke, he went from dishy Rishi to slightly fishy Rishi. Before the end of this Parliament, we need an inquiry into why so much public money was spent on inquiries, inquiring into things that could have been admitted for free without an inquiry six months earlier. But Rishi is determined to get to the bottom of it.

As one BBC headline put it... Rishi Sunak refers himself to Boris Johnson's ethics advisor. A headline that immediately invites the question, hang on, Boris Johnson has an ethics advisor. As if this wasn't enough, Environment Minister George Eustace waded in, saying he'd never apply for non-dom status.

Being English and born in Penzance, this may indicate that he's not quite sure what it means. So for George, and anyone else not quite sure, a non-domiciled resident for tax purposes is known as a non-dom. He's not to be confused with an online company known as a dot-com. Or with the resignation of Dominic Cummings, known in Whitehall as a dom-gon.

An event whose dramatic potential has been noticed, apparently, by Richard Curtis, who is rumoured to be writing a DomGon.com non-Dom rom-com... ..concerning the circumstances of Cummings' departure and called Leave, actually. So, please welcome to the show a comedian who can be heard on her Radio 4 show, Are You A Boy Or A Girl? It's Sarah Keyworth. This week, the government announced a call for evidence

to inform a new 10-year mental health plan to, and I quote, level up mental health across the country. So that's reassuring, isn't it? We're in a mental health crisis, post-global pandemic, and the cost of living has never been higher, and the government is like, just give us a decade. We can fit you in for an appointment in October 2032. I, like many comedians, have mental health.

It's currently undiagnosed, but my money's on one of the acronyms, like an ADD or apd or a bbc which is where you compulsively appear on radio 4 i think i've got adhd i like a lot of women my age self-diagnose myself with adhd at the end of 2020 because it's a lot easier than admitting that i'm addicted to my phone and i'm bored one of the big symptoms symptoms of ADHD is inattentiveness and I have that in swaves right like the other day my girlfriend got a haircut right it took me like five days to realize that she hadn't come home. I'm trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD at the moment I don't know if you know this if you've ever been through this process, but the application form for getting

a diagnosis for ADHD is cruelly laborious. It's impossible. I think if you get through that form, there should be a pop-up at the end that's like, nah, you don't have it. I'll give you an example of my inattentiveness. I live with my

cousin. We're very close. He's a day older than me, and we used to live next door to each other. Everyone at school thought we were twins, apart from one guy who thought we were married. Which is weird, because we were 11. Imagine that, at the end of every school day. He's like, ah, there they go, Mr and Mrs Keyworth, after a long day of school.

So there was one day, I was in my room, I was doing some work on my laptop, and then I decided, just on a whim, I was like, I'm going to go for a run. So I got up, I was in my room I was doing some work on my laptop and then I decided just on a whim I was like I'm going to go for a run so I got up, I went for a run and whilst I was gone my cousin Jack came into my room he opened a new tab on my laptop and he just googled the word butts

and we can all agree Radio 4, that's funny that is funny that's funny stuff, it's a classic prank it's hilarious, his plan, I'll come back I'll see that That's funny stuff. It's a classic prank. It's hilarious. His plan, I'll come back, I'll see that, I'll go, ah, Jack, what a classic prank I've been had. That's not what happened.

What happened was I came home, I got in the shower, I went into my room, I started getting dressed, I glanced at my laptop screen, I saw the Google search of butts, and my brain went, oh, well, that's probably from earlier when I was Googling butts. I can't believe I left in the middle of my butt Googling, just middle of an important task. I was doing my butt Googles and I left. I had an explanation in my head. I had a reason for why I'd done that. I was like, oh, sometimes when I'm writing jokes, I just Google specific words just to see how they're defined,

just to see if it's funny. And I could sort of play around with that so i was like i was obviously writing some some butt material i was up in here in my room doing some butt stuff so then about 20 minutes later jack comes back he's hoping to reap the rewards of his prank he pops his head around my bedroom door proper pleased with himself he goes hey sarah why have you been googling butts and to his what i can only assume intense confusion i then say how do you know about that so i've been having therapy not specifically for adhd uh for my mental health in general i think it's very important. I recommend therapy. I have a therapist, her name is Hazel.

She charges me £60 an hour. That is a pound a minute. And I can do that conversion too easily. So I sit there the whole time just thinking about how much money I'm spending. She likes to do five minutes of breathing at the start of every session. That's five pounds of breathing. I can't afford that, Hazel. I can breathe for free at home.

The cost of living is so high. Breathing is about the only affordable thing I can do at home. And also, this is the other thing as well, is that I think she might be bad at her job. Which is the worst part of it all because I've been like one of the things that I've been talking about in therapy I've been dealing

with a loss this year I've been grieving which has been quite a challenge and she doesn't know how to cope with this situation a lot of my therapy sessions now are me just sort of crying about that and the other week I was mid-session and I finished a sentence and I said to be honest Hazel I just don't really know how I'm going to carry on and she just went yeah that's tough and it was really with a tone of like you know you should talk to somebody about this and then she was just, like, silent for, like, a pound ten. I was in tears at the end of a session, and she'd called it. She'd gone, we're done, and I'd just been sobbing, and I was putting my coat on, and she was looking at me, and I could tell she was like, I've got to say something now.

I've got to sort of tie this up in some way. And she just went, hey. I was like, yeah? And she was like, try and walk by a tree on the way home that's a much ridiculous piece of also i live in inner london so that's less of a piece of therapeutic advice and more of a quest she is getting better though she's trying i can tell she's trying she sent me an email the other day out of hours unprovokedoked. Very nice email. It said this. It said, Hi, Sarah, you've actually been on my mind

and I really hope you're doing OK. On another note, just a gentle reminder, there is an outstanding invoice on March 25th. Overall, I do think it's good that the government is trying to level up mental health across the country. I think it's very necessary that people are given the help and support they need, both physically and psychologically. Hopefully it won't take ten years,

but if it does, try and walk by a tree on the way home. Thank you very much. Sarah Keyworth there. Now, we had hoped that this section of the show would be a selection of good news stories in the spirit of the bank holiday weekend, but it has proved to be difficult, given headlines like... Finland to discuss NATO entry after Putin warns them not to.

Which is not what we were after. We were looking for headlines like... Formula One drivers in row over underpants. Formula One drivers have apparently been ordered to wear fireproof underwear during races. Although if I was asked to name a profession whose pants are normally on fire, it wouldn't be racing drivers.

Still, it's nice to know that even the mothers of F1 drivers advise their children to change underwear in case they're ever in an accident. In other good news, Elon Musk announced that despite taking a 9.2% stake in Twitter, he would not be joining the board. A spokesperson for Twitter said, Relieve face emoji. Thumbs up, smiley face. Musk then announced an offer to buy the whole company.

Shocked face. In tech news, Apple are apparently developing a watch that'll monitor your blood pressure. They recommend that you don't put it on until after you've seen the price. In tech news, Apple are apparently developing a watch that'll monitor your blood pressure. They recommend that you don't put it on until after you've seen the price. And in further tech news, this week in California, a police officer stopped a car for having no headlights on after dark and found that they had stopped a driverless taxi. We just want to know what to do with a car programmed to mimic the actions of a normal taxi,

drove off without waiting, ignoring both the highway code and the ministerial code at the same time. The police officer said... I was shocked when I observed that there was no driver in the vehicle as I was not able to fireproof their underpants. I was also not able to perform my usual routine in a minor traffic stop, which is to check the licence, plant the drugs in the trunk, and then beat on them with my stick.

In a way, it shows that for all the talk about new technology and AI, there is still some way to go. People worry, don't they, about whether robots are going to take over the world. Believe me, they won't. At the moment, robots can't even tick a box that says, I am not a robot. Although, technology is definitely opening up new avenues. In Shanghai, which has been in lockdown

after a surge in COVID cases, a lovesick resident wanted to send his sweetheart a gift, but he had two problems. First, the shops are not very well stocked, and second, he couldn't deliver the gift personally because of lockdown. So he made the obvious romantic choice. He sent her half a dead fish by drone.

The drone flew in through the open window of her bedroom and dropped the fish. I don't know what kind of fish it was. I'm thinking flying fish. Right in the middle of her bed before returning to base and then reappearing shortly afterwards with half a cabbage. Yes, there is an obvious question. Why didn't he use deliver... ew?

In a groundbreaking lifestyle revelation, we learned this week that... The over-65s no longer want avocado-coloured bathroom sets and garden gnomes, according to researchers. These researchers also concluded... Many of the stereotypes about the homes of older people no longer hold true. Although one of them does, they do actually own them. Apparently they tried to interview homeowners under 25, but both of them were busy. The ultimate bank holiday downer, though, is that the hospitality industry, barely clinging on after Covid, short of staff, price of ingredients rocketing, has now been ordered by the government to put calorie counts on menus.

This is such a bizarre thing for a Conservative government to do because it's pretty much literally the definition of the nanny state. And a pretty uncool nanny at that. Under those rules, any nanny prescribing a spoonful of sugar would be sacked. Under those rules, any nanny prescribing a spoonful of sugar would be sacked. Next year, delivery drivers will be ordered to stand on your doorstep holding out your pizza box while shaking their heads and patting their stomach. Yet another of life's simple pleasures snatched away for no good reason. As if menus in fancy restaurants weren't confusing enough already. Sir, madam, is everything okay with your meal? Yeah, I was just wondering about the menu. Is this the price?

No, no, no, sir. That is the calorie count. Okay, so this must be the price. No, madam, that is the alcohol content of your chosen beverage. So this is the price? No, sir, that is the quantity of liquid in your chosen beverage. What about this? This is the time of liquid in your chosen beverage. What about this? This is the time of day we feel the food is best served. So where's the price?

Add all those numbers together, that is the price. Partial restaurants may be able to get out of it, though, because they change their menus all the time, and the law says that any dish on the menu for less than 30 days doesn't have to be analysed, which may change the way some restaurants operate. Welcome to McDonald's, madam. Allow me to tell you about tonight's specials. So if you're thinking of flying a dead fish through your loved one's window, make sure the calories are clearly censored on the side, and happy Easter. the calories are clearly censored on the side and happy Easter.

And now, would you please welcome back to The Now Show, Geoff Norcar. Thank you. Hello. And this week, my piece is called Why Boris Did Nothing Wrong and Why We Should Stop Being so unpatriotic and get behind the PM. Maybe not. Instead, this week, I'm looking ahead to local elections in three weeks' time. And before you think I'm going to stand here and bat for the Tories, for the first time since 2010,

I'm probably not going to vote for them. I'll remain a Conservative, but a little bit disillusioned with these Conservatives. However, I'm not going to vote for any of the other parties either, so I'll be spoiling my ballot paper with a comedy diagram. Or, as my mother once put it, voting for the party of cock and balls. Because I don't know what the Labour offer is yet, or if the Lib Dems even still exist.

And seriously, Lib Dems, if you are out there, please text in. We just want to know you're safe nevertheless Labour in particular will be hopeful that on the 5th of May plenty of people like me won't just abstain they'll completely jump ship it's not an unreasonable hope given that since the vaccine bounce and freedom day the Tories seem to have decided that their 20 election landside victory was the beginning of some sort of Brewster's Millions-style challenge. Caruthers, I hereby issue this challenge.

I wage a £1 million that the Tories can lose all 80 seats within the space of just one parliament. One parliament? Yes, one parliament. Oh, no party could be so incompetent. You're on! But only if you throw in a game of tennis with an important minister.

Or quasi-quartic. However, some of the obstacles to Labour making big progress are simply mathematical. In the 2018 local elections, they actually did pretty well. This feels very odd to say, but it could be difficult for Keir Starmer to improve on the success of Jeremy Corbyn.

Yeah, I know. It's weird. It's like saying no-one would ever make a sequel to the movie Cats because the original was just so damn perfect. For all Corbyn's faults, people at least took a view on him. Many people are yet to get excited about Keir Starmer. And if you say that again, you'll realise what a challenge it is. Excited about Keir Starmer. And if you say that again, you'll realise what a challenge it is. Excited about Keir Starmer. Labour have sought to make this a local

election on national issues, which means Starmer will have to appear Prime Ministerial. And he does, but only sometimes. He's good on his feet, as he proved during the first wave of Partygate allegations, but he seems to have a problem every time he looks straight down the camera. You see a bit of fear creep into his eyes.

I call it the Keir fear. And everything that he says looks like it's being done so under duress. We are committed to a windfall tax and to tackle the cost of living. And can I also add, my captors are treating me well. I have bread and water. Send a SWAT team, preferably led by Angela Rayner. Then there's the Labour Party's choice of slogan for May the 5th. On your side.

The best I can say about it is it does sound very Keir Starmer. Possessing, as it does, all the character of a newly wiped iPhone. I'm on your side is the kind of thing Boris would have said to Rishi just as he was leaving his wife's tax return on a park bench in Whitehall. Last week's Labour Party political broadcast was also a bit odd.

Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves in power suits striding purposely through a market. What is it with markets? They've become the 2022 version of the ubiquitous high-vis jacket. The only market that Starmer looks like he attends is the type that charges seven quid for chutney. I know that they're trying to boost their status, but as a duo, Starmer Reeves are never going to compare to Blair Brown.

It's like when you tune into This Morning hoping for Holly and Phil, but get Dermot and Alison. Starmer Reeves also sounds a bit low status, like an obscure cricket rule. Yep, England have lost here after rain fell in the afternoon session and the umpires applied the Starmer Reeves rule. The principle being that England were probably going to lose anyway. Now, I am aware that it might sound like I'm attacking the wrong people.

Why is he talking about Labour in this week of all weeks? But hear me out. Labour's rise in the polls hasn't been because of something they've specifically done. The government have been regularly shooting themselves in the foot. I don't actually think that metaphor goes far enough. I'd say the government have been machine-gunning their own legs off on a daily basis. But there is a chance, however distant, that the Tories might one day get their act together. They may even get a new leader, a new chancellor, a new wig for Michael Fabricant.

At which point, it won't be good enough to say, at least we're not them. Although at least we're not them would be a better slogan than their actual slogan. So all I'm saying to angry lefties who spent the last six months bathing in near-universal criticism of the government is this. Prepare for the imminent bombshell local elections to be not as bombshell-y as some are predicting. And if Starmer can't satisfactorily obliterate a government mired in sleaze, tax avoidance and fines,

then that keir fear might turn into a Starmer psychodrama. can't satisfactorily obliterate a government mired in sleaze, tax avoidance and fines, then that keir fear might turn into a starmer psychodrama. I've been Geoff Norcott. Thank you very much. Now, last Monday was National Pet Day, a chance to show our appreciation for the animals we share our lives with. So we've asked our audience, both here and online, to tell us about the pets that they have owned. I told one of our cats custard

to get her revenge on my sister by weeing on her clothes. Half an hour later, my sister came down the stairs, clutching her cat wee-stained clothes. Clever cat. I like this one. This person's written sorry, not a pet person. And then they've handed it in for us to read out.

My cat Tigger ripped his skin on a nail and it cost hundreds of pounds at the vet to fix him up. And the minute he was better, he wandered off and we never saw him again. Thank you very much for those, showing the bond between the British and their pets. And that is almost the end of this week's show. Yeah, but this week, following revelations about the Sunak finances,

his wife, Akshata Murthy, decided to pay £2 million in voluntary tax. Jess Robinson has the story. voluntary tax. Jess Robinson has the story. APPLAUSE so eager to pay our dues and to get those pesky green cards out of the news. Oh, taxman, you know that you should. I've found a clever way to make us all look good.

If I pay you a huge lump sum, I could save millions in the long run. It's all about the bottom line, but he has to keep his job. There's no catch, man. It's really win-win. I'll still be really loaded and you're coining it in.

When Rishi's not at work, he can be quite the high roller. You should see how much he spends each week on Coke. Oh, a cola If they've got him, what's worrying me? He'll get upset and go on an immense shopping spree And within a day or three Our joint account will be completely empty He can't resist Italian suits or tailored shirts

Smart marks or skinny ties, a pair of sandals, he calls sliders, or a vat of moisturizer. Unsupervised, he'd buy 10 Star Wars posters every day, and when he needs somewhere to hang them, buy a beach pad in LA. You're telling me he's got so many bijou cashmere hoodies It's impossible to count Though every day he posts a new one On his Instagram account He's not the type to splurge on vintage booze Or Cuban cigars

But he does love popping petrol Into random people's cars And these days that's getting pretty expensive So Mr. Taxman You'll see that I've got to intervene Before he buys another super yacht Yes, I know it may seem rash But what's a girl to do?

You've all thought the same thing too Right now the most important thing is Keeping little Rishi's fingers off my family's Heart and patch She's fingers off my family's hard-earned cash You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Sarah Keyworth, Geoff Norcott, Jason Forbes and Charlene Jahan. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Aidan Fitzmaurice, Katie Storey, Davina Bentley and Jade Gebbie.

The song was written and performed by Jess Robinson and the music composed by Alex Silverman. Thank you.