Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 15th March

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. Featuring Marcus Brigstocke unpacking screen addiction and Ria Lina on the International Women's Day - Oscars overlap, and an original song from Ed MacArthur.The show was written by the cast with additional material from David Duncan, Aidan Fitzmaurice, Jade Gebbie and Christina Riggs.Voice Actors: Gemma Arrowsmith and Jason Forbes.Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Caroline BarlowA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Marcus Brigstock, Rialina, Jason Forbes, Gemma Arrowsmith and Ed MacArthur. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you very much.

Thank you. So, we are in this weird limbo at the moment. We know there's an election coming up, so nothing that's said or done can really mean anything. Nothing can be planned ahead, no long-term plans can be made. So, no wonder we've spent the week obsessing about tiny, tiny details. Look, there, you see? If you look at the photo really carefully, you can see there's something odd about Kate's middle finger. What's odd about it?

It's pointed upwards and straight at the media. Now, pretty much everything else is all manoeuvring ahead of the inevitable election. And the thing is, it's not just here in Britain. There's actually a record number of elections being held all round the world this year. The total population of the country's voting, around 4.2 billion.

And there are already worries that the global tiny pencil industry may not be able to cope. Of course, the voting population is much smaller than the total population, except in Russia, which has a population of 144 million, but gave Putin a majority last time round of 157,156,306. 307. But it's easier to scoff. The Russian election is actually this weekend. It's very difficult to say anything about it

because we have no idea what the result's going to be. In some ways, of course, a Russian election is much the same as ours. I have been listening to what the voters are saying on the doorstep. And in other ways, it's not. I have also been listening to what voters are saying in their living rooms, their kitchens, their places of work and on their voicemails. There are actually three candidates standing against Putin in this election, though it could be four, depending on what party Lee Anderson ends up in by the weekend.

Now, Putin, of course, is one of the leaders that Trump most admires as he prepares for his rematch with Biden. Yeah, and it's the first time the same two candidates have fought consecutive elections since Adlai Stevenson opposed Eisenhower in 1952 and 1956. And at the ages of 77 and 81, they're the oldest two candidates in a US election in history. Trump has very little new to say, and this time round still only basically has one policy. I'm going to build a wall, and then three more walls at right angles,

and then I'm going to put everyone who's opposed me inside there for life. And that's not a joke. Trump has made no secret of his authoritarian ambitions. He's halfway there already, having Putin's attitude to Ukraine, Kim Jong-un's feelings towards opposition, and Saddam Hussein's taste in interior decorating. The main problem at the moment is making sense of anything he says, because his plans are kind of unclear

america is a failing nation can you believe the democrats want to kill all the whales with electric cars it's true folks and crooked joe biden he's masterminding all these legal cases against me and he's also senile and incapable now you may say, how can Biden be senile at the same time masterminding complex legal cases? And this is why I say, make America logical again. Now, here, of course, 96 MPs have already announced they're standing down at the election, including 60 Conservatives, many of whom have already booked places on the Conservative Party's career retraining scheme, or GB News, as it's usually called. Some MPs are moving across rather than standing down.

This week, Lee Anderson has defected to Reform UK. We assume over immigration, but possibly because he's already been Labour, Conservative and Independent, and now only needs one more to get a free coffee from the Parliament cafe. But there's a similar pattern in place across the Atlantic, with a number of Republican senators not standing in the upcoming US election. And in some cases, not standing anywhere

without a handrail for more than a few minutes. 96 MPs standing down might sound like a lot, but actually it's not. On average, 87 MPs stood down at every election between 79 and 2010. Yeah, what it does mean, though, is an enormous number of former MPs simultaneously all heading for the jobs market, which might prove tougher than they think. I mean, certainly they might struggle with the interview process.

So what skills can you offer in this job? Well, with all due respect, this, I'm afraid, is typical of the arrogance of you people who have, of course, your own agenda and simply don't want to listen. What can you offer this organisation? I am trying to answer your question, but you won't let me get a word in edgeways.

Yes, yes, I will. Go on. What was the question again? What skills do you offer? Oh, skills. Yes, well I have two. I can bray like a donkey at things that aren't particularly funny. Also,

say something I'll agree with. Trying to get an answer out of you is absolutely infuriating. It's actually a record breaking year for elections, if not for democracy, because elections are a kind of fantasy football for politics, really. A chance to design your perfect country on paper in a way that bears very little relation to reality. So 2010 election, we will cut the deficit. Result, debt to GPD ratio more than doubles. 2017 election, Brexit will reduce bureaucracy and red tape. Result, there are 100,000 more civil servants now than there were pre-Brexit. 2019 election, with an 80 seat majority, Boris

Johnson could serve three terms as Prime Minister. You see, it's enough to make you spoil your ballot. Thank you very much. And now, please welcome the first of a few blasts from the past. This series, please welcome back to the Now Show, Marcus Brigstock. Now, our beloved government have announced they are planning to support teachers in banning children from using phones at school, and this is good. Banning phones is a decent idea and should, in my view,

be extended to include adults between the ages of 18 and 97. After that, you're free to look at all the porn and parkour videos you like. I actually asked the cast earlier what their average daily screen time comes to. Steve Punt still has a petrol-powered Nokia from 1974. And even he clocked up four hours on his phone yesterday. I thought he was busy playing Snake, but apparently he was trying to type an eight-word text. Hugh Dennis spent six hours on his phone yesterday,

mostly trying to work out what the message from Steve Punt meant. Now, if you do know anyone whose relationship with scrolling on their phone is not a cause of concern to them, I will assume they don't have thumbs or they're in one of those new relationships where people still have, um, oh, uh, what's that thing? Eye contact? Um, no, but I think that's part of it. Five a day? No, don't think so. Sex? That's the one, yes. Five a day, if you're really keen.

Preferably not with eye contact. Most of the people I know spend so much time on their phones, they would struggle to identify their own child in a police line-up if they went missing. Take your time, madam. Is one of these boys your son? Um, yes, I think so. That one, maybe, with the hair and the two eyes. Oh, God, wait, I've dropped my phone. Wait, where's my phone? Right, it's an iPhone 12 running iOS 10 with a

pink glitter effect flip case that says Prosecco Princess in red on the back. There's a small crack in the top left-hand corner and a sticky patch where I got soy sauce on it. Oh, no, it's okay. It was in my pocket. Sorry, false alarm. Got it. With phone time, my family actually staged an intervention on me. My wife, my grown-up kids, my brother, two mates came and told me face-to-face that they were worried about how rarely I look up from my phone. And I want to take this opportunity to thank them. It was a brave thing to do and it came from a good place. To be fair, I didn't actually know it happened until they posted about it on Facebook later on. But to be fair to me, I clicked like.

Loads of people spend more time than they would like gawping at videos of cats falling off high things, skiers crashing into trees and, of course, now, footage of Conservatives playing that new word game they like to play on the news where they're not allowed to say that a thing that is racist is racist. What I'd say is it was wrong. It was a wrong thing to say. It was a thing that was a comment that was not right

because it was wrong on the basis of being connected to issues of wrongness based on a person who was wrong. Not wrong, but look, it was wrong because it was a wrong thing. Yes, Marcus, you've buzzed. What's your challenge? Deviation, Sue. Yes, deviation from the word racist, which, Minister, you could have said because it's on the card for all to see. It is indeed.

Now, according to Gov.uk, 97% of children aged 12 and above have a smartphone, which, of course, is very, very difficult for the other 3% of children. Those poor kids don't even know they're being cyberbullied. I find the fact that nearly all kids 12 and over have a smartphone frightening. We gave our now adult kids smartphones at that age and even they would tell you now it was too young and it damaged their ability to form real-world friendships and to be bored without experiencing feelings of panic.

But my God, we were bored by comparison and I think it was good for us. Periods of extended boredom are restful for the brain and that is why Radio 3 is so important. Boredom was integral to my childhood. I knew a kid in my class at school who genuinely, this is true, shook head lice out of his hair and watched them race across a physics textbook.

Now, that may seem far-fetched to some of you, but I swear to you, that is true. How do I know? Because, dear reader, it was me. My worry is that the real world is struggling to compete with the dopamine reward we give ourselves from scrolling. For the average trip up the high street to come even close to the warm glow of a thumb-numbing social media binge, it would have to be organised so that we are never, ever, even for a second, allowed to be bored. I mean, look, I could give up my smartphone. In many ways, it would do me good. But I would need someone to walk in front of me at all times with a road atlas every time I leave

the house shouting this. At the end of the road, turn left, email, ignore for now, spout going to Ipswich, turn right, watch this video. It's of a deaf child getting a hearing aid and hearing her mummy for the first time. You may cry now. Forward it to wife. Turn right. Pret a manger. No time. Train to Ipswich is £430.

Say no. Your mum has left a 25-minute voicemail message. Buy these jazz records now. Ipswich have upped the money. Here's a pic of Fergal Sharkey pointing at a turd in a chalk stream. Here's a video of Donald Trump pretending to be a disabled woman.

Comment. Rage. Feel sad. Turn right. 25-minute message from your mum is a butt woman. Comment, rage, feel sad, turn right. 25-minute message from your mum is a butt dial. Ooh, a funny road sign. Take picture, Anus Lane. Send to Vinnie and your brother saying,

I hear you live here now. Ipswich, need an answer. Say no, your mum is calling again. Send to voicemail. Sorry for the butt dial, darling. Ooh, and your father says someone you don't know has died. Buy these jazz records now! Vinnie reply.

Your mum lives on Anus Lane. Picks in bio. I mean, look, obviously, I couldn't live without that. It's clearly a lot of fun and definitely doing me loads of good. Incidentally, if anybody would like to buy my iPhone, a smart tablet and a recently updated laptop, please see me at the end of the show. Thank you very much.

Mark, let's break start there. Now, in the time on a phrase, we have some good news and some bad news. Yes, it tends to work like that with news stories, of course. For every heart warmer, a blood chiller. For every bird flu chicken, there's a skateboarding duck. So, for example, the good news... The UK has come second in the world in a new survey.

Mm-hm. The bad news? A new survey of the world's most miserable countries. If the results are to be believed, only Uzbekistan is more miserable than we are. It's pretty depressing. We only came second. We're not even the best at being miserable. The good news is that there is no real evidence

that this survey is accurate. For a start, we don't know when and where they gathered their data. In Glasgow, from people coming out of the Willy Wonka chocolate experience? This new survey was carried out by the... Not at all sinister-sounding Sapien Labs, whose mission is... To understand and enable the human mind. And on the basis of this and a previous survey, they drew some general conclusions. More wealth and economic development do not automatically lead to more happiness.

They also conclude that young people are generally less happy than older people. And they put this down, as Marcus pointed out, to having mobile phones too young, the endless pressure of social media to compare your life to other people's, and the amount of ultra-processed food in the diet, which can't be good news for McDonald's. Try our new Happy Meal. Its name is ironic. Having said that, though, yet another survey, this one from the Resolution

Foundation, found that people are happiest at the ages of 16 and 70. So for parents of teenagers out on their 16th birthday, you have a duty to inform them. Happy birthday, son. Enjoy it. You won't feel happiness like this again for another

54 years. See if we really are unhappy though, how might that show up in our everyday behaviour? Well, you may have seen this week the news that more than a fifth of UK adults are not working or looking for work. So that's around 9.2

million people at a loose end during the day. That doesn't mean they're not happy. It does since they cancelled doctors. We already knew that last year the UK was ranked 12th overall in the worldwide prosperity rankings, so it seems that money really can't buy you happiness or even rudimentary Photoshop skills. Although insufficient, say around

£10 million, money can buy you the ability to be as racist as you want without anyone in the government really calling you out on it. Interestingly, in all these surveys, Scandinavian countries always do well. Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Finland are always in the top ten. In fact, in the UN figures,

Finland is the world's happiest country. And who wouldn't be happy sharing a land border with Russia? Sweden also has a very high happiness index, probably from that glow of satisfaction that you get when you finish building an IKEA cabinet and all the

draw fronts are facing the same way. These are also, of course, countries with tax and high levels of public services and health care. The UK and US, interestingly, are no happier now than we were 50 years ago. In fact, we're a lot more anxious, depressed and heavily medicated. So whatever the key to happiness is,

upgrading your mobile phone every six months doesn't seem to be it. But there are other national rankings in which we do exceptionally well. Yes, for example, the good news is... Bad news is... Good news... Bad news... Because we got rid of that Brussels red tape that stopped us filling our rivers with poo.

So that's good news. Bad news... Our health service is struggling. Good news... We are 24th in the world for growing apples, which means we don't need as many doctors. Well, that's what Jeremy Hunt intends to argue. These surveys, of course, are never very significant,

but this misery one could be. If the government really wants to cut down on immigration ahead of an election, they need to use this in announcements at all ports and airports. Attention all arrivals. Welcome to the United Kingdom, the second most miserable country in the world. For those of you thinking of staying, please remember,

Belarus is happier than we are, and they're a freezing cold dictatorship. Thank you, and have a bad day. Amidst all this misery and depression, it's good to find the occasional story to cheer you up. And at the end of a bad week for royalty generally comes

the happier news that Mattel have made a Barbie doll of Queen Camilla. Now, this brings up two very important questions. One... Who on earth is going to buy a Camilla Barbie doll? And two... Which other public figure should Mattel turn to doll form? Well, yes, I personally would favour a series of ex-chancellors of the exchequer,

mainly just so one of them can have a string you can pull and it sings, I'm just Ken Clark. In fact, I think Mattel are on to a winner here and I think it may make us a much happier country. This Christmas you can get your hands on the doll they've all been waiting

for. Queen Consort Camilla with special wave action wrists. Push down her crown to hear 25 classic Camilla quotes. I really need a gin and tonic. And that's not all. We've also got the number one figure on the market, Action Boris, with gripping hands that can hold a glass of wine in one

and your bottom in the other. With classic untucked shirt and unrealistic hair, press down to hear one of his many famous catchphrases. hair, press down to hear one of his many famous catchphrases. And coming soon, we have the doll that's on nobody's wish list. That's right, it's the limited edition Liz Trust Prime Minister doll.

Opening up new pork market. That is a disgrace. Limited edition Liz Trust Prime Minister doll. Available for 50 days only. And now, here to talk to us about the Oscars and International Women's Day,

it's Ria Lina. Last week was not a good week for feminism. But I blame women. It's our fault. As women, we're supposed to be good at organization, multitasking, higher order thinking. So how in the world did we end up with International Women's Day being on the same weekend as Mothering Sunday? Which was, let's be honest, globally eclipsed by the Oscars. Ring Sunday, which was, let's be honest, globally eclipsed by the Oscars, where the most prominent feminist manifesto in recent movie history, the Barbie movie, was resoundingly put in its place

by the most inexcusable celebration of mankind's most horrendous creation. And by celebration, I mean Oppenheimer. And by horrendous creation, I mean the nuclear bomb, not John Cena naked, whilst being represented by 50 of the sexiest male dancers Hollywood has to offer, dancing to I'm Just Ken, sung by the god that is Ryan Gosling, who, if it was up to me, would never ever have to wonder again if he was enough. Tell me how. Having our entire year's worth of female commemoration all in one weekend was a massive calendar fail, and we need to do better next year, ladies. In America, they have designated all of March Women's History Month,

which kicks off with a presidential proclamation issued every year to honor the achievements of American women. And in the UK, we give it the attention it deserves by making the week it falls in National Pie Week. That's right. We in the UK consider pie worthy of six more days of consideration than the women that bake them. Frustratingly, we need more than a day to solve some of the issues at hand. People seem to have forgotten that the purpose of International

Women's Day is to try and effect change for the better, for women around the world, and have instead reduced it to just another hallmark holiday where you give a woman in your vicinity a card and wish them Happy International Women's Day and feel like you've done your bit for the cause. I mean, if you're going to do that, at least acknowledge the truth of the matter and wish her a happier-still-only-worth still only worth 83% of men day. And let's be honest, if you nail the delivery, you won't need the card. And this is not to say that men don't deserve days or attention for their issues. Can I just say right off the bat, World Prostate Cancer Day is June 11th, World Suicide Prevention Day

is always September 10th, and National Impotence Day is rather appropriately Valentine's Day. So you can imagine how horrified mothers up and down the UK were this year when the Oscars were scheduled for March 10th, our Mothering Sunday. The last thing we wanted to do was share our day with the 96th Academy Awards ceremony because we already knew it was also the final showdown between the Barbie and Oppenheimer movies. Both released on the same weekend last summer and battling out for ultimate supremacy ever since. As women, we had just spent the last eight months supporting and

uplifting that movie, dragging our toxic partners and Andrew Tate-loving sons to it, screaming, if I had to sit through three hours of Oppenheim, you can sit through two hours of this. And we don't want to do it anymore, okay? We don't? No, we don't. Because I think, and I'm just going to say it, because I think you think it too,

the Barbie movie is the worst thing to happen to feminism in a long time. I'm sorry, but it's true. The movie is bad. Really bad. How can you be by the women and for the women if the best thing to come out of your movie is Ken? Talks of a spin-off? For sequel?

Ken. Has someone performed at the Oscars? I know, Ken. Be a role model for millions of young kids looking for inspiration? Barbie? No, still Ken. It's an awful movie. I could go on, but you know, it might spoil it, if that's even possible. But I don't think Oppenheimer is

any better. While I accept that artistically it might be the better piece, I still think it is just as deserving of a seat outside the headmistress's office for letting women down as Barbie is. First of all, why are you all sitting through 180 minutes of a movie when you already know the ending? Here's a spoiler. If you haven't already seen Oppenheimer, the bomb goes off. Twice.

Second, if Oppenheimer is what Hollywood can make with the skills of directors like Nolan and actors like Murphy and Downey Jr. and Blunt and Pugh, why not use those talents to tell the under-told stories that we don't already know of, like that of Rosalind Franklin? Emily Blunt could have played the scientist who discovered the double helix of DNA, and the men from Oppenheimer could play some men. So there you have it in a nutshell, how feminism blew its entire 2024

load in one weekend. And it's too late to change the dates, at least for this year. But it's not too late to fix the problem. International Women's Day wasn't long enough, and Mothering Sunday was truncated by the Oscars. But that's fine, because from now on, to compensate, I want each and every one of you in here today and listening at home to treat every day like it's International Women's Day and appreciate every woman like she's your mother. Well, what are you waiting for? Off you go. You've got a lot of cards to write. That was really nice. So, it is Comic Relief Day,

and we have asked our audience here whether they have ever been funny for money. Have they ever been involved in a stunt or event to raise money for charity? Yep, human-sized table football. Didn't raise much money, but I did kick the shin of my managing director. I did a sponsored... Stay awake for 48 hours.

We forgot to raise money. Have you ever been involved at school, work or home or event to raise money? Yeah. I thought of and implemented the OOLEZ. Yeah, I thought of and implemented the Oulers. So there you go. Thank you very much for sharing your charitable efforts with us and do give any money you can spare to Comic Relief. So this week we found out that former Prime Minister Liz Truss

accepted a £20,000 trip funded by an American lobby group. Our musical guest has more on the subject. And as it's Red Nose Day, his song has been sponsored to raise money for comic relief. Sponsored by me, Liz Truss. Please welcome Ed MacArthur. The media tells you it's her fault she was the shortest ever serving Prime Minister.

But let's be frank, the economy tanked because of a left-wing cabal that's sinister. You were told it was due to her unfunded tax cuts, but I'll tell you really how. It's because the whole damn British establishment is more left-wing than Chairman Mao. It's because of the Deep State, baby. That's the reason for her hasty removal.

Deep State, baby. She's got a minus 60 rating approval Because of deep state, baby The IMF, BOV and OBR And market forces and lefty lawyers And Gary Lineker and electric cars A leader of lesser character would hide away in shame But not old Liz, she's back in the biz

Peddling her ideas again You can slag her off for making a fortune On the global lecture circuit But come on, mate, with these interest rates She's got no choice but to work it What the Deep State, baby It funds the BBC and other channels Deep State, baby

Dodgy deals, vegan meals, solar panels Deep State, baby Hollywood, Facebook, no-go zones Justin Welby, mixed recycling, The Now Show, piano solos. Iceberg lettuce, lionesses, women's tennis, deep state. Comedy songs, admitting you were wrong, it's all the workings of the deep state. Same in Spain, Germany, Belgium, Denmark, France, I can give you more.

Europe, Africa, Asia, basically everywhere except Singapore. It's all deep state, baby. This truss was silenced by the blob. Deep state, baby. 9-11 was an inside job. Deep state, baby. It's my firmly held belief that deep state is everywhere. Especially comic relief. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring

Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Marcus Brigstocke, Ria Lina, Jason Forbes and Gemma Arrowsmith. The song was written and performed by Ed MacArthur. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Aidan Fitzmaurice, Jade Geby, David Duncan and Christina Riggs. The producer was Rajiv Kharia

and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. This is the first radio ad We'll be right back.