Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 17th March

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. With me are Laura Lex, Gemma Arrowsmith, Jason Forbes, Ed MacArthur and special guest Rhys James. And this is... The Mouth Show! Yes, thank you to the audience

there for noticing Hugh Dennis is not on the show this week. We warned him not to tweet his opinions on the government's budget. But he went ahead anyway. So, welcome to The Now Show, which is now under the BBC's strict new impartiality guidelines.

For listeners, I should point out that anything that contravenes the BBC's impartiality rules will have been cut and replaced with this. And of course, all jokes will be balanced equally between the different parties. I say, I say, how many Labour MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, but Jeremy had great plans for changing lightbulbs

and the playwright stabbed him in the back. And how many Liberal Democrat MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, but probably more than they can spare at the moment. And how many Green Party MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, but probably more than they can spare at the moment. And how many Green Party MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter. The lightbulbs they use are so dim, you can't tell if it's been changed or not. And how many Conservative MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? Last Sunday was the Oscars,

but it was never going to live up to last year, what with the lack of celebrity punch-ups. So everyone was back to reporting on the dresses, the parties and the goodie bag. This year, the free gifts included the deeds for a plot of land in Queensland, Australia. You see, so much for the idea that the Oscars are too woke. This year's gifts actually included some imperialism in a bag. Some people, though, tried to get into the Oscars are too woke. This year's gifts actually included some imperialism in a bag.

Some people, though, tried to get into the Oscars spirit. Yorkshire Water tweeted some light-hearted Yorkshire-based best movie nominee titles, but they got a load of angry replies from people questioning their record on sewage discharges. Have you seen what Yorkshire Water have allowed to be discharged into River? No, what have they allowed? Everything. Everywhere. All at once. Meanwhile, Russia announced on state television that

Britain has spent so much money on weapons for Ukraine that they are now having to eat squirrels. And what's more, they claim this is in retaliation for British propaganda, showing that we have clearly blackmailed Russian meerkats into working to benefit our motorists. But are the Russians right? Well, to find out how badly off we are this week,

Jeremy Hunt, fourth Chancellor in 12 months, but the first to be on a zero hours contract, set out his first budget. And it was the first budget since the budget that wasn't a budget, but turned out to be a fiscal event like no other. Yes, the trust quating budget that has been erased from history as efficiently as WhatsApp messages are accidentally erased from phones. It's six months on and I'm still not quite sure how Liz Truss got a degree in philosophy, politics and economics. I'm guessing she must have got really high marks in philosophy. Anyway, the current Chancellor is thought to be a safe pair of hands, although Truss

recently told one think tank... I still believe that I was also a safe pair of hands. It was never my hands that you needed to worry about, it was my crazed eyes. The whole safe pair of hands thing seems dodgy to me. I mean, Boris Johnson had a safe pair of hands. What Boris didn't have was a safe pair of trousers. Johnson had a safe pair of hands. What Boris didn't have was a safe pair of trousers.

So what then did Jeremy Hunt say? We have avoided a technical recession this year. Well, that's excellent. Growth is going to shrink much less than previously thought. Basically, they're trying to take credit for stabilising something they disrupted in the first place. It's like a bull demanding praise for using the correct exit on his way disrupted in the first place. It's like a bull demanding praise for using the correct exit on his way out of the china shop.

What the budget was mainly about was getting people back to work. I intend to give parents 30 hours a week free childcare. Which is a start, although to be really effective, you need the option to take those 30 hours during the night. Oh, no, who's turned to get up? Oh, go back to sleep. The state's dealing with it. You see, I find it a bit weird that all the people

who normally complain about the nanny state don't complain when the state literally offers to look after your children. Jeremy Hunt also committed £900 million to new technology, including quantum computing. Ooh, well, that's a potentially lucrative area, although the ideas involved are still hugely theoretical.

The government hasn't put so much money into something hugely theoretical since Matt Hancock's friends told him they thought they'd be good at making PPE. But what does it mean for most of us, all this budget stuff? Well, it's time for a full guide to getting through the cost of living crisis. Please welcome Rhys James. So as you know, this week, Jeremy Hunt outlined his budget with most of it in response to the recent cost of living crisis. And it's safe to the recent cost-of-living crisis. And it's safe to say the last six months have been hard. It's tough times out there at the moment, isn't it?

So tough that the other day I genuinely overheard a man refer to a cash machine as a tight git. So what even is the cost-of-living crisis? Well, according to True Stats, the cost of living is going up by a percentage of loads. The situation is caused by extreme inflation. And while extreme inflation might sound bad, it's actually awful.

What it means is that everyday items are more expensive. Necessities like cheese, bread, fruit, Gaviscon, Hubba Bubba and KY Jelly have all gone up in price significantly. It's becoming a real struggle to make ends meet. I mean, this week I had to sell my laptop and my TV just to be able to afford my contents insurance. I've got to say, it's especially tough times for me at the moment, OK,

because I recently turned 31. The big 3-1. That's the big one. Everyone thinks it's the big 3-0. No way, it's the big 3-1 because the rail card has officially expired. Full price rail travel in this economy. 29 years I've got to wait until the next rail card. The over 60s rail card. The rail card that never expires. But you do. There are, of course, lots of resources online for how to save money in the cost-of-living crisis. Twitter and the BBC website have plenty.

There was even an article recently in The Times about how to cut down on needless costs that I read the first four sentences of. But lots of the advice is unrelatable or conflicting. You know, they say things like, just turn your thermostat down, you don't know what it was on before. Or instead of having the heating on, pop on a coat. What, indoors? My mum told me I won't feel the benefit.

I'm telling you now, ignore all advice on the internet unless it's coordinates to a treasure chest, OK? If the BBC was being honest about how to save money, they would tell us, instead of paying your licence fee monthly, don't. So instead, I approached a money-saving expert, but not the money-saving expert, because I couldn't afford his fee. And I gathered some proper, practical, realistic money-saving tips,

the sorts of money-saving tips that deserve to be said quickly over some upbeat music, like is an explanation montage in oceans 11 money saving tips number one instead of paying for wi-fi just take your laptop to a tube platform and work there all day number two live rent-free in any house for a few days by pretending to be on the tv show, Hunted. Number three, write a number on a wooden spoon and sit down in a pub for a free meal. Number four, don't want to pay your expensive water bill? Riot! Hopefully you'll get a water cannon sprayed at you.

And finally, number five, eat at restaurants with a hygiene rating of one. Not only are they cheaper, you won't need to buy any more food for the rest of the week. So what can the government do? Well, it could take some drastic fiscal measures. An example of this might be boring, so let's move on. Mortgage rates, too, have seen huge spikes in interest rates.

Now, as a millennial, can I just say, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha. spikes in interest rates. Now, as a millennial, can I just say, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha. For any boomers listening who are struggling to pay their mortgage, just think, maybe if you'd bought a few less houses and spent your money on posh lattes, you wouldn't be in this mess. And all of this could have long-term impacts on lifestyle. Lots of young adults, for example, are not having children or getting married as a result of rising costs and decreasing wages. Millennials get married something like 27% less than baby

boomers. Gen Z get married 80% less than millennials, and the generation below Gen Z have a marriage rate of 0%. What's that in the pudding? Tastes like proof. Most of us complaining about the cost of living crisis, though, are not the real victims here. I mean, I'm a card-carrying member of the middle classes, and that card I'm carrying is Pret Loyalty. And all I've really had to do is cut back on a few luxuries, luxuries I didn't even use five years ago.

Things like Deliveroo I didn't even know existed before. I wasn't depressed that no-one was cycling chips directly to my hands before I knew that was possible. So maybe losing some of these luxuries gives us some perspective. So far, the main things I've stopped spending on are Uber, Deliveroo and OnlyFans. Essentially meaning I've just had to sack my chauffeur, my private chef and your mum. Some money-making methods are, of course, more creative than others.

There's never been a better time to make insane, irresponsible financial decisions. To tell you more, here's crypto guru Mike Lee. My name is Mike Lee, and I'm not worried about the cost of living crisis because I am a crypto guru. How's crypto going, I hear you ask. Well, take a look at this photo of a 12 bedroom manor house. That's right. I own that photo. In 2018, I signed up for an online crypto trading course. Now, just five years later, I trade crypto full time, which does annoy my manager in Tesco. But you've got to be on the cutting edge. In life, I'm never late to a trend. To win at crypto, you've got to commit.

I invested everything I have and all my wife's savings into Bitcoin. Is she upset about it? Not at all. Because one, she knows the value of crypto. And two, I haven't told her. Sure, it's volatile. You might even sometimes have to sell stuff to pay your bills. Sure, I've sold body parts, but not many. I mean, you can count the number of body parts I've sold on one hand. Thankfully. So ride out the storm, and one day you can be like me, holding the keys to a Ferrari 458. And if the year goes well, I'll be able to buy the car itself.

Thank you, Mike. Is it still all right to get that lift home? Shush now, please. Jeremy Hunt's budget this week revealed they are scrapping the lifetime allowance on tax-free pension contributions. Apparently this is to encourage old people to go back to work.

Fair enough. As life expectancy increases, everyone being retired from 65 becomes increasingly ridiculous. Every 65-year-old you meet will tell you, well, I don't feel old. Good. Then go to work. 65 is nothing.

My mum's 65 and her hobbies are skateboarding and bitching about her own mum. You can't retire at 65 if you're going to live to 100. That is just taking a 35-year paid holiday. You're the ones who have a go at teachers for taking eight weeks. We need you in the workforce, boomers. The younger generation are terrible workers. They were all raised on this idea that they're special. They should know their worth and never settle. So they're all delusional. They quit everything. And they've had social media since they were born, so they've got no attention spans. We can't have Gen Z security guards getting

distracted every 10 seconds by a TikTok. We need boomers with their resilience, their stiff upper lip attitude, their get-through-it-no-matter-how-tough-it-gets vibe. That's how you guys live, boomers. It's how you get through recessions and marriage. It's how you treat... It's how you people treat gluten.

You just tolerate it. And finally, if you need a truly foolproof method to save money that's also good for the environment, die. Thank you very much. Later on tonight, of course, sees the most carefully balanced comic relief we have ever seen. Hello, I'm wearing the traditional red nose and urging you to give as much as you can.

Hi, I'm wearing a red nose with the words charity is unethical across it, and I want you not to be guilt-tripped into giving money by perpetuating a stereotypical image of Africa. Hi, I just don't want to see the cast of EastEnders doing the West End musical number again. Now, the reason for all this, of course, has been rumbling on for over a week.

There are two red buttons that any government can press in an emergency. One marks immigration, the other marked BBC. And last week, they both got pressed at the same time. How dare a mere ex-footballer suggest that this government's immigration policy uses language like that of Germany in the 1930s? That's completely wrong. Is it? Of course it is. The language of Germany in the 1930s was German. Now, of course, when it comes to footballers with strong opinions, this country has had a good few in recent years.

There is Gary Lineker. Refugees are human too. Marcus Rashford. Kids shouldn't go hungry. And Dion Dublin. This is a lovely endoterrace free bed that went under the hammer at just £80,000. And Conservative MPs were delighted that last week,

with no presenter and no commentary, MOTD's viewing figures rose. They were so delighted that they all posted suspiciously similar tweets. Great edition of Motadada. Much better without pundits and commentators telling me what on earth's going on. All the action, no waffle, and best of all, all the tries. Hashtag first-time viewer.

Oh, no, hang on! The co-ordinated response was because neither the government or, let's face it, the BBC realised quite how much backlash there would be or that fellow sports presenters would come out in sympathy, leaving the nation's football commentators with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon, something many found difficult to cope with. They're trying to go down the left, but that's a terrible mistake from the youngster.

Dear me, some serious questions need to be asked here. He's through and on goal. Oh, and makes no mistake there. The ball hits the back of the net. Excuse me, mate, can you please move away? None of these children are yours. And so it dragged on. At one stage, half the Tory party

was trying to force a 60-something presenter out of work, something the BBC normally managed to do perfectly well on its own. Even more confusingly, at the same time, the Chancellor was trying to encourage 60-somethings back into work by raising the ceiling on pension contributions. In fact, they want everyone over 50 back in the workplace, which is good news for Nicola Sturgeon. But the confusion is not surprising.

When these rows happen, they tend to show up not just political divides, but also class and generation divides too. A lot of posts on social media, for example, said stuff like... Lineker is so ungrateful. He owes his celebrity status to the BBC. To me, he owes his celebrity status to scoring 48 goals for England, including two World Cups. The only people who owe their celebrity status entirely to the BBC are Greg Wallace...

..and Sean the Sheep. For Gary Lineker to find Generation Z think he's just the white-haired bloke who presents football highlights must be as irritating as for the generations of British actors who went through decades of rep theatre and classic movies of the 60s and 70s, only to find their obituaries describe them as... Harry Potter actor.

Anyway, it all seemed to distract from other things too. Nobody talked very much about junior doctors striking for 72 hours. You're here on the picket line. Don't you think this strike is dangerous for the public? Not at all. We chose the 72-hour figure carefully to minimise harm to patients. How on earth does it do that? Because by the time your ambulance arrives, the strike will be over.

The saga also obscured the drama in Scotland, where the candidates for SNP leadership are declaring themselves. Kate Forbes has said that although she doesn't personally agree with rights for same-sex couples or non-married couples or abortion... I will defend those rights as I am a servant of democracy. Now, does democracy mean you shouldn't have any firm beliefs? In fact, has anyone checked she supports Scottish independence? I am a servant of democracy. So, yes, probably, maybe, definitely. Basically, the perfect politician. So politician so anyway back at the BBC

it'll be fascinating to see if there'll be an all-new balance focused match of the day on Saturday balanced the BBC way of course hello welcome to match of the day with me Gary Lineker and I'll be bringing you today's football highlights alongside my new co-host. Thanks, Gary. I'm Professor Lydia Strumhoff, and I'm a football denier. I don't believe football exists, or if it does, it's been greatly exaggerated. Thanks, Lydia. First up, Leicester were at Tottenham today.

There's no actual evidence they were. The footage is all fake. And the title race is hotting up? It may actually look as if it's hotting up, but the temperature of the title race is the same as it was 10,000 years ago. Actually, could you suspend me again? See, partiality is in the eye of the beholder,

which makes balance impossible because the most balanced programme in the world won't look balanced to someone who is not balanced themselves. And football is ironically a very good example of this. Of course, the big difference is that in football, impartiality is a bad thing anyway. Neutral is an insult, indicating lack of passion and commitment. We are neutral.

We are neutral. No-one likes us. We don't care Ah, recorded at the last night of the Liberal Democrat conference. So, if you've been wondering, what's the latest in environmental technology? Your luck's in. Here to tell us is Laura Lex. Your luck's in. Here to tell us is Laura Lex.

Yes, I thought while the UK grounds to a halt this week with just about every useful person in the country on strike over something petty, like, I don't know, earning enough to eat or heat their homes, I thought I'd turn to a topic less likely to stoke the culture wars. The environment. Right? The good old environment. The most pressing issue facing humanity,

but so helpful because governments never actually need to fix it right now because the consequences are always, like, in a bit. Of course, climate anxiety is felt most intensely by those raising the next generation, and surely parents have enough to worry about on their plates. The Budget this week promised that the cost of childcare would drop. They just didn't mention that by the time that legislation comes in, your current children will be 35,

spoon-feeding you mushy peas in your Amazon care home. Once you've got kids, you go into overdrive trying to keep them safe. You need a vault for the bleach. You've got stair gates all over your once beautifully open-plan home. You've got enough CCTV on the crib to run your own series if you've been framed. Safe is the name of the game, which is where this week's

budget did step in to help parents, and all they had to sacrifice was the air that they breathe. Jeremy Hunt's frozen the fuel duty! Hooray! That's what we needed, right? Proper forward thinking. Must have been

a tough choice between that and relaxing safety regulations on live animal circuses. Concerns have been raised, though, that this will do nothing to deter parents from purchasing two tonnes of metal to transport a two-stone child. For lots of parents, the must-have safety item to get their six-year-old on the gruelling half-mile journey to school is a vehicle capable of winning the Paris-Dakar rally. SUVs! Protectors of the middle lane.

Defenders of the right to double park. Offroaders that only leave the road when it's time to park on the pavement. Obviously we need SUVs. Without SUV headlights coming towards me, how would my retinas burn to dust every twilight? You should have to pass a test before you're allowed

an SUV, and that test is have you ever transported a live goat? They use on average 20% more fuel than other cars, but on the other hand, they make you 20% more likely to be a couple called Penelope and Ian. I really like that one. It does make sense, does it? You're welcome.

And these vehicles, designed to reduce your child's risk of death and pass it on to the kid in front in a Nissan Micra, are choking the next generation. But listen, there's hope coming from the world of science. Those handy nerds have invented a big old carbon hoover that can help us suck it all up out of the air, which, given that my vacuum cleaner can't even cope with the shedding of a Jack Russell, I'm impressed.

Carbon capture already kind of exists. They pull carbon out of the air and they eject it back deep down in the earth where it turns to stone. However, in future, these scientists believe they can turn it into bicarbonate of soda, better known as baking powder. What? How cool is that?

Scientists taking humanity's biggest problem and turning it into cake. Next time you're tucking into a Victoria sponge, know that you're basically sucking the tailpipe of your neighbour's Land Rover. So carbon exists in the atmosphere at roughly 400 parts per million, so it's very expensive in energy to catch and process. But this new idea for carbon extraction would help capture up to three times more carbon, which is great because it's ironic that there's simultaneously

so much carbon in the atmosphere that we're doomed, but also it's so diluted it's very hard to scoop it out. Oh, the irony. It's like record-breaking rain on your wedding day. But listen, here's where we can swing back round to our recent budget and see quite how much a government who have committed to providing £1 billion of funding to carbon storage have allocated to support the enterprise. Well, Hunt has said that they want another plank of our green economy.

Personally, I'm not sure we need another gove. But as for actual money in the spend column, well, look, it's not actually scheduled to go out until... Oh, would you look at that? I was right. Just after the 2024 election. Thank you very much. Poor Alexa. So, you may have seen

this week that Donald Trump has apparently been trying out new nicknames for his presumptive Republican presidential rival, Ron DeSantis. And these nicknames apparently include Ron DeSanctimonious, Meatball Ron, and Tiny D. And on that tenuous basis, we have asked our audience here what are their favourite nicknames that they've come across. And Rhys and I will go

through some of these. My favourite that I've heard, someone was calling someone Zeus at work, not because they look like a Greek god, but because they gave zero effort and less supervised. Favourite nickname you've come across, someone has put J9. He was bald, and that's the M25 junction for Leatherhead.

So, yes, thank you very much for all of those, ladies and gentlemen. And news programmes, of course, usually end with sports, and this programme usually ends with a song. So why not combine the both? Here is Ed MacArthur. Sadly, Andy Murray lost in the third round of Indian Wells this week. So, just in case you missed it, I've prepared a song for you called Andy Murray's Indian Wells Post-Match Press Conference,

the musical... ..set to the theme tune of BBC Radio 5 Live. Please enjoy. Andy, well played. Hard luck, but a great performance. You were rolling back the years, but it wasn't your day. Looking ahead to the summer, could we be in for another stunner? A Wimbledon winning display. Yeah, I played quite well today. I'm not thinking a Wimbledon winning display. Uh, yeah, I played quite well today.

I'm not thinking about Wimbledon, I'm just focusing on my game, keeping my feet on... ..the ground. Andy, at times you've been magnificent this year and particularly strong in defence. Thank you. Is that the main part of your game that will help

you beat Wimbledon's best? I don't think there's just one aspect of your game that helps you win or lose. I think you need to be equally strong in your all-round game, which of course includes... er... defence. Defence. Additional material from Sarah Campbell, Cameron Loxdale, Luke Beddows, Hugh Dennis and Kate Dennett. The producer was Pete Sprouse and it was a BBC Studios production.

Hello, my name's Michelle De Swart. And I'm Laura Smith. And we have a new podcast from BBC Radio 4. Bang On It is a weekly podcast where we curate, recommend, cherry pick through the week and just go, have a look at that. Basically. We're going highbrow, we're going lowbrow, right?

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