Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show – 18th March

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Ken Chang, Jessica Postakew, Gemma Arrowsmith, Luke Kempner and Jaz Emu. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you very much.

And it's been a good week for countries with oil that aren't called Russia. There's been a thaw with Iran, and after six years, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was finally given her British passport by the Islamic Republic. Which is quicker than the Home Office manage in some circumstances. As she flew home, it was revealed that her release had been eased by the fact that Britain had paid back £400 million for some tanks that Iran had paid for 45 years ago, but which were never delivered.

Yes, and the UK has now supposedly both refunded the money and promised not to use Hermes for tank deliveries ever again. It's all part of a rapid reordering of relationships all around the globe as the world is having to look at its energy supply through new eyes. Since the early 2000s, Europe has become almost entirely reliant on Russian gas. In Germany, almost 60% of their supply comes from the vast Russian gas field. For which, ironically, Germany made a failed takeover bid in 1942. The Prime Minister, meanwhile, compared Putin to... I, drug dealer who managed to hook the West on Russian oil and gas.

Helpfully using an analogy that can be readily understood by most of the Cabinet. Not that Putin gets everything his own way. This week, a Russian TV editor staged a protest, holding up a placard on live television, reading... Don't believe the propaganda. They're lying to you here. The clip was shown all over the propaganda. They're lying to you here. The clip was shown all over the world. Her career is now uncertain. Although, seeing the viewing figures she got on a budget of one performer and a single sheet of cardboard,

she looks set to get her own series on BBC Three. Now, Russian news, of course, blurred out the sign, and, in fact, thinking about it, the Russian version of Gogglebox must be quite samey. This is another very informative and truthful edition of the news. Yes, as always, it reflects the world with great accuracy. Unlike capitalist commercials, meerkats are not native to either European or Asian Russia. I mean, how does that keep getting recommissioned?

But they do say that only in a crisis do you find out who your real friends are. And in the European energy crisis, it turns out our real friends are Saudi Arabia. The Prime Minister travelled there this week to meet Mohammed bin Salman, MBS, saying... Oh, we cannot keep relying on a murderous dictator for our energy supplies.

We need to rely on a whole selection of murderous dictators. President Biden has also tried to contact the Saudi leader, but he is apparently ignoring calls from Washington. Not that that bothers Biden, mind you, because he can't remember making the calls in the first place.

RPM at least got there, although he was very cagey about what was actually agreed. I have convinced a great friend, the leader of Saudi Arabia, to help us in our hour of need. He has agreed so to do

on one condition, that every Thursday at 8pm we all stand on our doorsteps and clap for the MBS. Oil money is, of course, everywhere. Last Saturday we had the rather unedifying spectacle of Chelsea, funded by Roman Abramovich, being taunted by fans of Newcastle, funded by Saudi Arabia, even though Saudi had executed 81 people the week before. It seems fairly obvious that that isn't acceptable, but ironically for Newcastle, it doesn't seem to be a black and white issue. Because, of course, all these hurried negotiations and deals have been prompted by the sanctions on

Russia. For oligarchs, it means no more Range Rovers and Bond Street jewellery, but we actually buy very few finished products from Russia. Our imports consist almost entirely of oil, gas, minerals, something called half-finished iron, which judging by recent events may mean tanks, timber, diamonds, and oddly their 17th largest export is frozen fish. Russia has the advantage, of course, of access to the Arctic Ocean, where so many nuclear submarines have leaked that they're the only country in the world that can supply fish with actual fingers. So, basically, the democratic world is now seeking alternatives

to non-democratic fossil fuels. A US company has announced plans to dig the world's deepest hole to access a never-ending supply of geothermal energy. Even better, the hole will be easy to create. They're going to send Joe Biden there on a speech tour and he'll dig himself into it. But, of course, Biden alone can't dig a hole 20km deep. To achieve that, it looks like we may have finally found

a new role for Prince Andrew. Talking of new roles, the government also rethought their attitude to refugees. Michael Gove got very cross about this in the House of Commons. It is absurd to say that this country is not generous to refugees. I, myself, have even donated some wheeled suitcases that I found in a cupboard in Downing Street. They are in perfect condition, although they smell slightly of wine. The government have actually been very clever with their scheme. They know

that the UK is full of celebrities tweeting about how we should all be doing more, and so they've called their bluff and got the A-listers to do their job for them. Yes, they've already got Marcus Rashford feeding hungry children, and now they've got their bluff and got the A-listers to do their job for them. Yes they've already got Marcus Rashford feeding hungry children and now they've got Benedict Cumberbatch offering his house to refugees. If they're careful they could end up outsourcing all the tricky stuff to other people. Welcome to Sport Relief 2022 with me Zoe Ball. Let's check in on Andy Murray who's doing a very special exercise bike challenge. How are you getting on, Andy? Yeah, good, thanks. I'm currently powering all the electricity needs of the Greater Manchester area. It's not just celebrities, of course. The British

public were so keen to sign up to take a refugee that the government's website crashed. Minister James cleverly, brilliantly said... I'm glad the website crashed because it is a reflection of the generosity of the British people. Which I think is a politician's way of saying... We did the bare minimum in order to let the public do our job for us. And we still cocked it up. But of course, doing your bit in this crisis comes in many forms. This week saw the headline... Elon Musk challenges Vladimir Putin

to a fight for Ukraine. Yep, you heard it right. This week's Elon Musk story is that he challenged Putin to a fight, saying... The stakes are Ukraine. The sheer bravado of offering to fight Putin on behalf of a country

that's home to both the Klitschko brothers. So how's that going to work out? Hello, welcome to Ukrainian border. Who are you and what do you want? It's me, Elon Musk. I'm here to punch Vladimir Putin in the face. Uh-huh. Please take ticket and get to back of the first queue.

Aww. What's the second queue for? That is queue to punch Elon Musk. Thank you. And now, would you please welcome a comedian, writer and actor who you may have seen in BBC sitcoms Motherland and Cuckoo. It's Jessica Foster-Q. Hello.

I had a serious acting job this week where it turned out I had to sob my absolute heart out. And they were like, do you need a moment to find something to draw on and get yourself ready? And I was like, no, not a problem at all. Give me 20 seconds reading the news. I don't know about you, but everything that's happening to Ukraine is making an absolute mockery of me. Tears wise, I'm like a creepy walking fountain. It's an objectively awful time. So, for our sanity, we've been investing hard in some of the most frivolous distractions this week.

I get a few minutes' respite from misery during my daily escape to planet Wordle. It's a simple puzzle released each day where you hunt for a five-letter word via the process of elimination. Then, if like me, your parents largely ignored you as a child, you post your score on Twitter. The problem with Wordle is it's not enough of a break. It's an emotional roller coaster on there. The high when you've finally got it. And then the crashing low again when you realise you haven't. You've wasted a precious turn. And of course it was loner.

This is a highbrow game. What are you thinking by first trying boner? Oh, we've found your level. Thank you. I've tried exercise to distract me. This week I achieved a feat I've been trying for for five years. I got my first pull-up. I've never felt to distract me. This week I achieved a feat I've been trying for for five years.

I got my first pull-up. I've never felt so proud of myself until my six-year-old said, Mummy, do you know when a baddie gets Spider-Man round the throat and he's like picking him up and he is dying and his legs start kicking? That's what you look like on your pull-up. I've tried meditation to distract me, but it made me angry. Oh, terrible news. It turns out if you've got time for meditation,

you're not the one who needs it. Nothing is going to work, I thought. No level of nonsense would cheer me up and effectively distract me during these dark days. But I was wrong. One thing this week did manage it. What is it, I hear you ask? Was it a politician reassuringly doing something well?

No, of course not. It was a chihuahua dancing to Swan Lake. Crofts came back! And it couldn't have come at a better time. If you've never seen it, imagine the love child of a dog Olympics and a dog Miss World. And voila, you're there. Postponed for two years because of the pandemic,

the four-day festival of dog stuff had everything this year. Drama, intrigue and the Prince of Hearts, a toy poodle called Waffle. If you haven't seen a toy poodle, they're a cross between a tiny model of Stonehenge made out of hair and a young Rod Stewart. As in 80s Rod when he was a fluffy blonde

rocker, not the 2022 Rod when he's a road repair specialist building his own personal yellow brick roads to drive his flashy cars down your crazy goat. Waffle won the nation's heart when having won his place in the Best in Show Award he blew it all by stopping

for a massive wee-wee. Never before has a widdle brought the nation so much joy and no-one was happier than Paula Radcliffe. Social media lit up with hashtag justice for Waffle, but to no avail. He'd whazzed himself into the runner-up spot, the main prize going to a flat-haired retriever called Baxa. Claire Balding presented the

award and said to Baxa's owner Patrick he hasn't stopped wagging his tail all day. Patrick replied, uh, yeah that's a breed characteristic. If only there was an extra rosette for Patrick for meeting Claire and National Treasure on live TV and seizing that opportunity to do

some mansplaining. There are events like freestyle hill work to music, flyball and agility. I didn't catch all of them, but I think there's a round where the dogs defuse a bomb whilst balancing on a lightning bolt. I can't even train our cat not to jump on the kitchen surfaces. It's my girlfriend's cat, if I'm honest, and he jumps on the kitchen surfaces all the time

licking everything and furring all around and I said to her can we get him to not do that disgusting thing and she said yeah sure no problem I'll train him watch me I'll discipline him and she bought a water spray can but then I was never allowed to use it but one time she was out and I thought great he jumped on the surface I thought I having him. I got the water spray can out ready for a shh, shh, shh. But it turns out she hadn't bought a water spray can. She'd bought a mister. Her succulents. So the water came out in a beautiful plume.

Like, pfft. And I didn't actually know cats could make this noise. I swear to you, the cat went... If he could have, he'd have left me a tip. My point is, whatever you need to get through these days, however silly or bizarre it might be, give yourself a break and go for it. Also, just in case Rod Stewart is listening, if you've got a spare minute,

could you come and lend a hand down at the roadworks in Lewisham, where I live? They're causing havoc on the school run, mate. Thanks. Jessica Postacew. So, the latest update of the famous basket of goods compiled by the Office of National Statistics to work out the rate of inflation has been announced this week, and it makes interesting reading. Hang on, let me rephrase that. It makes reading.

It's based on what the average family is buying more of and less of, and so it is sort of interesting, because two years into the pandemic, it provides a snapshot of who we are now and the difference it's all made in our lives. For example, out of the index goes... Donuts, single. Which seems quite odd, until you realise that...

Donuts, single. Has been replaced by... Donuts, multi-pack. Because it seems we ate tonnes of them at home during lockdown, which is different from the impression you got from the telly, which made you think everybody else was doing Joe Wicks and Peloton. Well, they weren't. They were stuffing their faces with Krispy Kreme comfort food. At the same time, though, sports bras have been added to the basket. This, according to the ONS,

is because... The heightened awareness of fitness has seen a rise in expenditure on sports clothing. Plus, after all those multi-packs of doughnuts, men now need to wear them too. One change in the basket, though, made more impact on the media than the rest, even in the US. Men's suits banished from inflation basket in the country where they were invented, said US website Market Watch, going on to explain that men's suits originate in the preferences King Charles II had for his courtiers. While the ONS themselves said... Press and anecdotal evidence confirms a fall in usage,

hastened by the pandemic and home working. But I think people not wearing suits in the pandemic is the least of it. Once you had worked out the Zoom camera angle, you didn't need to wear trousers. Now, as offices reopen, workers across the nation are having to train themselves to put them on again. And in serious cases, they're needing help from volunteers.

The first step is always the hardest. Try and put your left leg in, Terry. Good. Good, that's great. Now the right. Easy. Yes, you can do it! Ah, I knew I could. Want to go further, Terry?

Do you want to do up the zip? Go on, then. Here goes. Next time, Terry. I think you should have put your pants on first. By coincidence, this came in the same week that Jacob Rees-Mogg revealed that he doesn't own a single pair of jeans.

And, of course, if there's anyone who represents the average person in Britain, it's Jacob Rees-Mogg. Etiquette bespeaks that a man is not properly dressed unless he is wearing a suit. I myself favour the original style as worn by the courtiers of Charles II. I also believe very firmly that not wearing a tie should be a criminal offence. Oddly enough, one American pundit agreed when he criticised Ukrainian President Zelensky this week for not wearing a suit while addressing the US Congress

via video. Even Jacob Rees-Mogg thought that was a bit much. There are two circumstances under which T-shirt suffices for a public speech. One is when you are under constant rocket attack by the Russian army. The other is when your butler forgot to collect it from the dry cleaners. Which is why I am wearing this sports bra. So, into the basket go various things,

including frozen Yorkshire puddings, super king-sized cigarettes and kitchen bin liners. Which oddly replaced black bin bags which are no longer in the basket suggesting that perhaps we became more house proud during lockdown. I don't want a black bin bag in there anymore. I want the right size for the bin that doesn't stick out over the top and I want it in light grey with bright yellow drawstrings. Can we not have that? We can, Terry.

We can go to the shops. But first... What? Can you put your trousers on? You look like Jacob Rees-Mogg. Another post-Covid entry is antibacterial wipes, which have made it into the basket

for the first time, which makes sense given the pandemic. People stuck at home for months were wiping everything, including, if they were sensible, their computer history. Powdered baby formula is still included, which surprised me. I didn't know you could make a baby that way. I thought it was much more messy than that. And all of these entries have long explanations with them. The helpful notes on each item from the ONS are so comprehensive that some of them read like a George Lucas-era Star Wars opening crawl.

The growth in vegetarianism and veganism is widely covered by the press and is being driven by the younger generations as a result of growing social responsibility and health awareness. That's word for word their note on meat-free sausages. I personally don't see what all the fuss is about. When I was growing up, all sausages were pretty much meat-free. But then a lot of this stuff doesn't make sense. According to the ONS...

Sales of domestic coal will be banned in 2023 as part of the government's actions to combat climate change. So a few open fires in winter will ruin the planet while frantically buying up tankerfuls of Saudi Arabian crude will help. But the one that most confuses me is that dried herbs have gone into the basket, which, say the ANS... Represents the growing use of herbs, both fresh and dried, as the home cooking trend continues

to rise. The home cooking trend? When did that start? All I see is Snoop Dogg on my telly every night telling me the complete opposite. Don't bother with the kitchen, I'm itching for a take-out, carry-out, take-away delivery.

Give me lots of croutons cause I ain't got a suit on. Give me some donuts in a multi-pack carried in a backpack by a cyclist. With a helmet on his head, who forgot my garlic bread? Did somebody say junk food? Yeah. Angel food. Yeah. Now, please welcome stand-up comedian and star of Radio 4 Show's Chinese comedian

and drop the dead panda. It's Ken Chang. Hey, everyone. Inflation's back. That's right, another 90s classic has been rebooted for nostalgia purposes. Inflation's at a three-decade high, reaching 5% in January, the highest rate since 1992. Prices are rising faster than the sea levels, which means at some point we won't even be able to afford our underwater houses. afford our underwater houses. I first noticed it a few months ago, when

the bread rolls in my local co-op went from 40p to 43p. What is this, Weimar Germany? Now, if you don't quite know what inflation is, I suggest you ignore the ONS and get yourselves a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary,

available at a low price of £7,000. Inflation is a measure of the increase in the price of goods and services, and it's measured using either the CPI, the Consumer Price Index, or the CFI, the Consumer Freddo Index. Obviously, I'm being flippant about the whole thing by focusing on the freddo or bread rolls but let's talk about the real negative consequence of this crisis that's right i'm talking about the tesco meal deal two weeks ago the tesco meal deal went up to three pounds 50 thus breaking a sacred promise no a fundamental human right that one should be able to purchase any main side and drink for three pounds.

I was livid. I and many other meal deal fans on the internet who similarly have a lot of free time on their hands was livid. I was so angry that I almost considered getting a Tesco club card so I could still access the old price of three pounds. getting a Tesco club card so I could still access the old price of three pounds. I was so close to doing that admin, but I will never get a club card. I refuse to be part of any club card that will have me as a member. The government has done very little to deal with the actual problem. Two weeks ago, Rishi Sunak announced a 200 pound discount on energy bills, but with a twist that has to be paid back in five yearly instalments of £40 each. So it's not a discount, it's a loan. Because you know what would definitely help the current situation?

Debt. Can't afford food or heating? Why not try going into debt? Bringing debt to an energy crisis is like bringing a knife to an energy crisis. Doesn't work. Can you imagine any other government welfare working like that when you have to pay back that service? Like if police investigates your break-in, you now have to solve five murders for them. I heard one minister saying

we should simply weather the storm by planning and spending better. Because famously, storms are something that Britain has dealt with very well in the past few months. It's part of a general libertarian mindset that if times are tough, the owner should be on regular people to change their spending habits. Yes, there's a 54% rise in energy prices coming, and diesel is potentially rising to £3 per litre, but don't worry, it'll be fine if you just employ some really simple money-saving tricks. For example, I recently discovered that I can get free travel on the overground

using a little scheme I discovered called theft. Have you heard of this thing called crime? It's a great way to weather the storm. I'm a big fan of tax fraud. I do a self-assessment every year as a comedian, and I discovered that it's legitimate to expense things as research. For example, I'm actually allowed to expense Netflix as research.

But, like, I'm an observational comedian. Anything can be classed as research. A Pret-a-Manger sandwich could count as research as long as I do material about it, which I just did, so I can write that off. For the purposes of standards and compliance, I should say this is sarcastic. I'm not seriously suggesting listeners on Radio 4

should commit tax fraud. Wink. No, seriously, I don't do tax fraud. Wink. It doesn't matter anyway, as if tax fraud has ever ruined a comedian's career. I wouldn't feel that bad about doing it, to be honest, because ultimately all my tax money will be funnelled into dodgy contracts anyway. Either way, I'm complicit in some sort of fraud or corruption.

And if government ministers ever do find themselves short of cash to give to their old uni mates, here's my advice. You should simply weather the storm by planning and spending better. That and also apply for Tesco club cards.

Ken Chang there. So you may have seen this week that after the imposition of sanctions on Russia, Chelsea footballers now face a 10-hour coach trip to their FA Cup match against Middlesbrough. So we've asked our audience, both here and online, have they ever made a journey that went wrong? Yes. 30 years ago, I travelled to Gretna Green Registry Office. I now live alone on a boat.

One night in Edinburgh, I was smart enough to pre-save sat-nav directions to my digs onto my phone. Unfortunately, I set travel mode as driving instead of walking, and I found myself diligently following the city's huge one-way system on foot in the middle of the night. Yes, last year I got distracted by the view when piloting the evergreen through the Suez Canal. Thank you very much for sharing those with us, and hopefully they will cheer Chelsea squad up as they wend their way to Middlesbrough.

Now, this week, Gordon Ramsay announced his brand-new cooking show, pitting contestants against each other in a format which is definitely not exactly the same as his previous ten shows. Jazzy Mew is here to comment. Gordon Ramsay, we, the British British public have had enough. Over a dozen cookery shows to your name, and yet you still refuse to answer the real culinary questions. Does anybody actually know

what the different power modes on the front of a microwave do? They give you so much control It's like, Howard, I know Which of these numbers gonna hit my cock-a-licky suit If you go too low The edge comes out cold But the middle is a freaking inferno. And on highest mode, when you take out the bow, the crockery is hot enough to make you infertile. Does anybody actually know what the different number modes on the dial inside a fridge mean?

The numbers seem so precise, it's like choose one to five with no sign of what it's signifying. Does five mean cold? Or is it degrees? Will my cheese be all sweaty by luncheon? The stakes feel so high, I don't want to die from binging on a pot of slow cooked strawberry unken Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do they still make baked bean cans without a tab on the lid? 2022, I shouldn't need to still use a tin opener Gordon Ramsay, we want answers. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punk, Hugh Dennis, Ken Chang, Jessica Foster-Cue, Gemma Arrowsmith and Luke Kempner. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Catherine Brinkworth, Mike Shepard,

Alfie Packham, Cameron Loxdale and Jade Gebbie. The song was written and performed by Jazz Emu and the producer was Pete Strauss and it was a BBC Studios production.