Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 18th November

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by Alfie Brown, Lauren Pattison and Jess Robinson.Lauren Pattison takes us through Matt Hancock's jungle journey, Alfie Brown declares why "I Love Keir Starmer" and Jess Robinson sings us through what makes the perfect Christmas advert.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Sarah Campbell, Mike Shephard, Alex Garrick-Wright and Cameron LoxdaleVoice actors: Luke Kempner and Stevie MartinSound: David Thomas Executive Producer: Richard Morris Producer: Sasha Bobak Production Coordinator: Sarah NichollsA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Alfie Brown, Lauren Patterson, Luke Kempner, Stevie Martin and Jess Robinson. And this is... The Knowles Show!

Thank you very much. And money finally caught up with us all this week, as the days of pretending we could borrow an extra half a trillion pounds without it affecting us were finally over the autumn statement raised taxes and cut spending and remarkably the french stock exchange became bigger than london for the first time based on the value of the companies listed there the reasons are apparently the weak pound which means our companies are undervalued and the types of retail companies on each exchange. We have Ocado and JD Sports, whereas theirs are higher end, like Louis Vuitton and L'Oreal, which ironically didn't list in London because...

You're not worth it. The £30 billion financial hole directly caused by the Trust premiership, which the Autumn Statement was trying to fill, was initially calculated to be much smaller, but Liz is delighted it's increased because, as we know, she... Is committed to growth. The hole they created is so big

that Brian Cox is currently trying to calculate its dimensions. It's hard for science to understand the sheer scale of this hole. It's so big it's spewing out time and space from a parallel universe where instead of tax and spend, you only have tax and cut. Where they play the World Cup at Christmas and low pack is nine quid a time. God, these shrooms are good. But money can be a very tough business.

For a start, the financial industry isn't exactly a loyal employer. The first sign of trouble, and they lay off thousands of people. Sell, sell! 10,000 at 46.4! Sell, sell! Dow's down 950 points! Buy, buy! Buy what? Dollars? Gold? No, buy, buy! They've just sacked me! Oh, me too! How am I going to pay the mortgage?

Didn't you buy a Ferrari with the last month's bonus? Yes! Sell, sell! Money can also get incredibly complicated. There's been huge confusion in the world of cryptocurrency this week. And let's be fair, every week. This week, a crypto exchange called FTX collapsed and a lot of people lost money.

And the clues were there to suggest that not all was as it seemed. No. For a start, the word cryptocurrency is derived from the ancient Greek cryptos, meaning hidden, and the Latin word careri, meaning to run off with all your money. Which makes you wonder why people with a classical education are always so broke. Oh, yes. In the words of Tacitus, brother, can you spare a dime? We also have, as everyone is aware, a very high level of inequality.

In the US, a few people tend to become so rich that they end up giving all their money away to charity. Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced this week that he is going to give away most of his $124 billion wealth. The tycoon amassed his fortune through shrewd financial management, such as remembering to cancel his Amazon Prime subscription before the end of the free trial. Here's a tip, Jeff. Next time you're looking for causes to give some of your money to, how about checking out a little known company called HMRC? And for the non-billionaire portion of the population, inflation means that wages aren't keeping up with prices

and we face a wave of strikes. We do, yes. Academics are threatening to strike as soon as they agree on which pronouns to use. And nurses may go on strike, which is bad news as they're used to much longer shifts on picket lines than most people. Most worrying of all, though, is that there's a strike at the Jacob's Cream Cracker factory. Unite

National Officer Eamon O'Hearn said... Jacob's workers will now be on strike 24 hours a day, seven days a week, until the company comes back to the negotiating table. Meanwhile, the chief negotiator for the company said... There's no crackers, Gromit. Whatever shall we do? Wait a moment, I have an idea. We'll build a cracker machine and make our own. Believe it or not, that actually is pretty much what happened.

Plardis, the multinational conglomerate who own Jacobs and McVitie's, among others, have shifted production to a factory in Portugal, which Unite described as... Undermining their own workers. And Ronaldo described as... Disrespectful to the workers of Portugal, so typical of the tactics employed by United. It's thought he may have confused McVitie's with United biscuits, you see.

We also learned this week that the rental sector and housing is spiralling out of control. It's thought he may have confused McVitie's with United Biscuits, you see. We also learned this week that the rental sector and housing is spiralling out of control. Even renters who've secured homes have been hit with massive rent increases as landlords pass on the costs of higher mortgages. The situation is crazy. Our landlord had four properties and he's now just built a hotel on our street. So, for some reason, that means we now owe him 20 grand.

Who's your landlord? Well, I've only caught a glimpse of him, but he looked just like a giant on our street. So for some reason, that means we now owe him 20 grand. Who's your landlord? Well, I've only caught a glimpse of him, but he looked just like a giant silver top hat. Right, I think that's Jacob Rees-Mogg. As much as we like to snigger at crypto boars getting their comeuppance, investment cons in traditional investing are nothing new. Thousands of people, including celebrities, lost everything in the Bernie Madoff scam.

It's like Kevin Bacon has to pretend he's enthused about mobile phones for the rest of his life. Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon. When you think Kevin Bacon, you think mobile phones. You do. I just told you you do. It makes perfect sense. He's been advertising the same phone since they were called T-Mobile. And in fact, it was him who suggested changing the name to EE, as that was the noise he made when he realised he'd been scammed by Bernie Madoff. Thank you very much. Now, making a debut on The Now Show, please welcome Lauren Patterson.

So, last week, in one of the most bizarre casting choices since they replaced Macaulay Culkin with a new kid in Home Alone 4, Matt Hancock entered the Australian jungle as a campmate in the new series of I'm a Celebrity. The very fact he's appearing on the show has generated over 1,100 Ofcom complaints. It's safe to say that even a Ryanair flight to Malaga has had a less bumpy journey than this.

While helping fetching logs for the camp just days into his jungle journey, Hancock was actually stung by a scorpion. Nah, I didn't know Jeremy Hunter joined him in there either. Never did I think I would see an active sitting MP eat cow's anus on TV. Although I have been told you are what you eat, so maybe there's some truth in that. Personally, I think he's getting off too lightly with these

trials. Surely he's used to being surrounded by snakes and odious creatures. Maybe we need to place him in some real, truly horrifying, terrifying trials. Trials the great British public are facing every day. Welcome back, Matt. For today's trial, you must simply try to make a GP appointment. A lot of people are struggling to wrap their head around why on earth Matt Hancock would even go on such a show. He claims he wanted to show a more human and normal side, you know, to see behind the mask.

I'm not entirely sure, though, if going in the jungle to eat camel penis Roedd e eisiau dangos llwyth yn fwy dynol ac yn ystod y masg. Dwi ddim yn siŵr o gwmpas os byddai mynd i'r ddungle i ddynu penus ysgog yn y ffordd gorau i ddangos eich bod yn dynol a hyfforddiol. Yn y ffaith, roedd rhai o'r gair cyntaf o'i llyfrau ar ôl i rywun gofyn a oedd yn gallu gwneud pwyllgor, fe ysgrifennodd, Yn iawn, mae gen i bwyllgor o'r ffyr yn y tŷ. Pwyllgor o'r ffyr? O, ie, sgwrs cyfrifol. Mae gennym ni i gyd bwyllgor o'r ffyr. a fire pit at home. A fire pit? Oh yes, a real average joke. We've all got fire pits out back. In fact, we might have to soon.

It's the only way we'll be able to afford to keep warm. But now I think about it, please don't tell me all the MPs are getting fire pits and Prime Minister's questions is going to turn into a dramatic scene in Love Island where they gather around the fire pit for a chat. I don't want to have to start referring to elections

as recouplings. Or maybe, to be fair, this is his way of showing he's just like us. After all, many of us have been told by the government that if we're struggling to get by, to take on a better paid job. I just don't suppose the option of cashing in 400

grand to sleep in a hammock and empty a toilet with Boy George was offered to any of us. Naturally, the other campmates have spoken on behalf of the public, quizzing Matt on why he broke the law, but he didn't, he claims. He just broke the guidance, and he did it because

he fell in love. Ah, the mad things we do for love, yeah? We can all relate to that, though I suppose the maddest thing I did for love was buy a boy I'd been dating a very expensive cheese board for Christmas that was personalised with his name, only for us to stop dating two days before

leaving me to physically force the gift upon him because it was non-refundable and I didn't know anyone else called Patrick with a penchant for parmesan. I never got pictured cheating on my partner while breaking strict health measures that I'd put in place. I suppose though he did say there was an exception to this guidance for work gatherings if absolutely necessary.

And I think you'll find infidelity is vitally important for a solid work do. What is a work gathering if Julie from reception doesn't cop off with Ian from IT on the side? Where's the fun in that? I'm just worried that this is going to open up a whole new wave of politicians venturing into reality TV to broaden their appeal and further their careers. This is all starting to add up now. This must be why Corbyn wanted us all to know he made his own jam. Was he really angling for a spot in the bake-off tent?

What about Boris? Will he star in his own reality show where he tries to remember which kids are his? I want to see Diane Abbott front a reality show where she drinks mojitos from a can on public transport across Britain, joined by former Olympians, Big Brother contestants

and an Asian rock star who we all thought was actually dead but they wheeled him out for one last hurrah. And what about Liz Truss? Well, her goal is just to not resign by the end of the first episode. We haven't even considered, though, that if politicians become celebrities, do they then become influencers? Are we going to see Nadine Dorry selling teeth whitening toothpaste on Instagram? I don't think we've got to worry about that.

She won't know how to log in or downstream the app. What about Keir Starmer? Could he be the first influencer to have quite literally no influence at all? I think regardless of your opinion, whether Matt should be on the show or not, I think we can all agree that Matt Hancock, you are not a celebrity, so get yourself

out of there. Lauren Patterson there. So this week the world's least thought through football World Cup begins in Doha, the capital of Qatar, and the excitement is barely discernible. Yes, frankly no one

really knows what to think because there are, you might say, any number of problems that would have given this World Cup... The red card! The Qatar World Cup has been given the red card! And what are those problems? Well, first but not foremost, it's being held in the middle of a northern hemisphere winter, a point where there's plenty of football here to be getting on with.

It's also left supermarkets confused. Should they display their Christmas stuff or their World Cup stuff? Laura, did you put the Budweiser World Cup display up in aisle three? Yeah, I think I did pretty well, Barry. But you put a Santa hat on the cardboard cutout of Raheem Sterling.

Look, you wanted World Cup booze in aisle three. Jackie asked me to put Christmas stuff there too. We only have one seasonal aisle, Barry, and it's not enough room. What if I carved some of the pumpkins to look like Gareth Southgate? Oh, yeah, that might work. I really did like the little footballs you piled up beside it. Well, actually, they're Easter eggs.

And, of course, the timing of the tournament is by no means its biggest problem. Far bigger is the country it's being held in. A country where... And, of course, the timing of the tournament is by no means its biggest problem. Far bigger is the country it's being held in, a country where... 30 years of hurt! ..is one of the shorter sentences for homosexuality. But the teams have got it covered. Yes, there was a tiny rainbow flag on the trainers

of an image on the side of England's plane to Qatar, and if that wasn't enough to completely eradicate homophobia, the England team are wearing three lions on their shirt, which is technically a pride. Denmark are wearing a kit with muted colours as a muted statement, and Scotland are so opposed to everything going on that they haven't even qualified. The attitude of the LGBTQ plus community

should surely have been enough reason for holding the tournament elsewhere. So why was it awarded to Qatar 12 years ago? Mr Blatter, can you tell us what your criteria are for a World Cup host nation? Well, of course. We are looking for a nation that has no history of football and no interest in it. A country where it is too hot to play football outside in the summer, even in the

middle of the night. A country which has a questionable regime, no existing stadiums, no labour to build them, no respect for foreign workers, and which is too expensive for any foreign fans to visit. That is a pretty tall order. Qatar? Yes, for months, but I think it's just a cold.

In fact, even Sepp thinks awarding the tournament to Qatar was a mistake? Yes, for months, but I think it's just a cold. In fact, even Sepp thinks awarding the tournament to Qatar was a mistake. Yes, and if only we had VAR back then, we could have overturned the decision as it was clear and obvious error. It's a nice gesture, but is it enough? Could the England team be doing more to promote

LGBTQ culture? Well, you join me at the Legitimate Business Consortium Stadium in Qatar for what is sure to be a memorable match. Making a stand for diversity, England will be playing in drag. And just about the only shade to be found in Doha today will be from the

acerbic put-downs they can muster on the pitch. So joining me in the commentary box is Ru Paul. Hello, hello, hello! Of course, the players would usually be taking their knee at this point before the game, but I understand the risk of laddering their tights was deemed too great.

Ru, any thoughts before kick-off? Well, the form of Harry Maguire starting at centre-back is certainly going to be a concern for Gareth Southgate, as he can be called out by pace. I was thinking more about the outfits. Well, me and my girls are just here for the football. Another controversial statement this week came from Cristiano Ronaldo, who was interviewed by Piers Morgan.

But the whole thing was given so much pre-publicity that by the time it was actually available, there were very few controversial opinions left that we hadn't heard. So it was bound to feel a bit anticlimactic. I think that Timothy Tolton was seriously underrated as Bond. The introduction of a cycle lane on the A259 through Brighton was genuinely a bold and valuable experiment. Marmite doesn't actually taste of anything to me. People should know the truth. And of course, our new king has to compose his first Christmas message

soon while avoiding distraction. I should first like to say something about the Commonwealth, probably. Then maybe the importance of family or the environment. Oh, come on, Bale, close him down. I'm so glad William's responsible for these things now. And what of all those well-honed World Cup clichés? What will the now traditional footage of crowds throwing their drinks in the air look like at Christmas? The ball comes in, he scores! Yay! Oh God, that Mulder White is hot!

Will carol singers get confused? You're going home in a ambulance. The tournament has been criticised for the standard Singers get confused. You're going home in a.....cambulance. The tournament has been criticised for the standard of the so-called luxury accommodation, which seems to consist of plastic marquees and camp beds, and many are asking who is responsible.

As you can see, this is the finest accommodation there is. It was designed by none other than Suella Braverman. Another controversy erupted when the Qataris were accused of paying people to act as fans of other teams. If they wanted people to support whichever team is playing, they should have gone for the Scottish, who already do that whenever England are playing. And some of the people acting as fans have got a bit carried away.

Yeah, I don't like to call it method acting. I like to think of my process as lived experience. I've actually been living with a flare up my arse for six months now. The stadiums are also air-conditioned, which feels like something they haven't really thought through. Sure, it will make certain they're not too hot, but have they considered what could happen with one thermostat and a stadium full of dads?

You have to feel a bit sorry for sports that normally get a bit more coverage at this time of year. Excuse me, it is my only time to shine. I jump hundreds of metres off the side of a very slippy mountain and land with my arms in a fancy pose. I don't play a bowl game for children, but all I can hear coming from the ski lodge is, ooh, did you see Messi kick that bowl along the floor?

That's definitely worth millions. Do you know who I am? Even more confusing is that some traditional parts of Christmas are, of course, recorded in advance. Marvellous line-up of guests on the Hootenanny this evening. May I just take this opportunity to congratulate our new Prime Minister, Liz Truss! And now, please welcome a brilliant act.

I'm so happy they could be here tonight to see in the new year, Gerry Lee Lewis! You wonder, in the end, if Qatar will be pleased it won the bid, because, frankly, there doesn't seem to be much in it for them. Their team won't win and all they've really done is very expensively turn the world's spotlight on their human rights record. Still, it possibly is right that the World Cup

should be held near Christmas because, like that festival, money seems to have trumped the original meaning in both cases. The wise men have bought a gold trophy, the frankincense and myrrh were all spent to get the tournament in the first place. And now, would you please welcome another Now Show debutante, Alfie Brown. It's an absolute pleasure to be here on BBC Radio 4. Now, before I do what I've been tasked with on your fine radio programme, I should really tell you a little bit about where I am politically. I'm left-wing, probably too left-wing for some crusty countryside alliance folk whose biggest fear is immigrants who are coming over here

and staffing our elder care facilities. I believe in left-wing things, like growth comes from investing in the NHS and infrastructure, not tax cuts to millionaires. I'm even prone to left-wing conspiracy theories. You know, like, I believe that Thomas the Tank Engine is propaganda to encourage the youth into the idea of accepting an elite. Now, you listen to me, Thomas, said the fat controller.

elite. Now you listen to me, Thomas, said the fat controller. Obey me, Thomas, said the gluttonous fascist. Annie and Clarabel, the only two women in the entire TV program to be tugged along in silence behind a male. Empty vessels for other people's convenience. It's a dreadful programme to show to children. I believe these conspiracy theories, though. I believe that George Ezra and Wagamama are part of the same conspiracy theory. You must be trying to make it that bland. And now you know a little bit more about me, I can tell you what I'm doing here. The other day, one of my comedy heroes, Alexei Sayle,

was on BBC Radio 4 performing his version of Tom Wyman's slam poem entitled I Hate Keir Starmer. Now, as you know, the mainstream media craves balance, and with that in mind, I've written a poem called I Love Keir Starmer for balance. So here it is. I love Keir Starmer. I love his rosy little

cheeks in which he may be saving food for winter months. I love his performatively responsible hair. I love the blend of innocence and command his face communicates. He looks like a little boy's school photo has been put through an ageing app.

I love Keir Starmer. I love that he isn't a scruffy, blonde, waffling bully. I love that he's able to communicate in complete sentences. I love that he never hid in a fridge so as to avoid scrutiny from the intellectual and rhetorical superpower, Piers Morgan. I love Keir Starmer. I love that he isn't and was never the meat puppet of his chief advisor.

And as such, I love that he was never completely subservient to the short-tempered baddie in a Pixar film. Side note, seeing Boris Johnson sack Dominic Cummings was like seeing a cock sack its own pudendal nerve. Finally no longer being told what to do, but sadly only able to dribble piss softly and forever. I love that Keir Starmer is not a lettuce, and even if he was, he'd be a romaine.

I love Keir Starmer. I love that under his leadership, the Labour Party didn't commit unlawful harassment against Jewish people. I love that Keir Starama isn't described by journalists as having a blind spot on anti-Semitism. Blind spot, a word used by cowardly commentators who might have said racism, if it were, by another to another, because they're Jewish. It's a blind spot. I love that Kiyosama has never referred to Hamas, a group who have written into their constitution the extinction of all Jewish people, as friends.

And around the same time, as having referred to Hamas as friends, refused to share a platform with David Cameron to campaign against Brexit on the basis of differing views. And therefore, I love that Keir Starmer has never made it clear to us that he finds the extinction of all Jewish people a more permissible political view than austerity. I love... It's not a big laugh, that one. I'm relaxed now. It gets lighter again now.

I love that in a sweet way, Kiyosama may not have been blessed with too much charisma, but maybe when God closes a charisma, he opens a forensic. I love his rather hard-to-hear, adenoidal voice.

He always sounds like he's a child responding to being told off, protesting and trying not to cry. We did drink beer, but it was not a social occasion. I love that he is not entitled, although I suppose, in a sense, Sir Keir is literally entitled. I love that he is not entitled, although I suppose in a sense Sir Keir is literally entitled. I love that he is not an absolute boy. He is a man undertaking the human pursuit of

politics. And what I love most about Keir Starmer is that I don't love him at all. He elicits no extraordinary feeling from me, and nor should he. He is not a vessel for any ideological mania. He is not there to adore nor abhor. He is just, for the first time in a long time, somebody that you can vote for. Alfie Brand. So,

with the autumn statement this week, saving money is something that we're going to have to get creative about this winter. So we have asked our audience for any of their less obvious money-saving tips and hacks. Yeah, restrict your theatre visits to the Now Show. I'm very glad we're thought of as theatre. To save petrol, I only drive other people's cars. Poo at work.

Save loo paper and water. Tell your kids that Santa is from the EU and he's not coming following Brexit. So thank you very much for those. Some fine tips there. We'll be passing those on to Martin Lewis. But before we go, here's Jess Robinson with a musical take on this festive season's most talked about television so far.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Grab a blanket, warm cup of tea, long winter nights in front of the TV. This ain't a drama or documentary, and I gave up on that thing about the royal family. I have no interest in seeing an MP attempt to ingest a wallaby's gonads cause that's a sideshow, the only thing for me is the wall-to-wall Christmas

ads you take a heavy metal banger, slow it down and add a breathy voice then there's the cutesy Christmas characters so Bang a slower down and add a breathy voice. Then there's the cutesy Christmas characters, so many that we're spoiled for choice. Oh, and here they all are now. There's Buddy and Ducky and Kevin, the heavenly carrot, the list never ends.

And soon, if we're lucky, we might get to meet even more festive vegetable friends. We could have Nate the potato, Russell the sprout, Agnetha the swede and I'm still holding out for Moishe the honey cut honey. Why not? And there are celebrity cameos too. Alison Hammond sells honey glazed gammon and

tell me your heart doesn't sing. When Davina McCall proffers crisps in a bowl or Carrie Katona Pretends she's the proud owner Of a glistening pink prawn ring This isn't just advertising This is a dead-eyed cavalcade Of celebrities of Christmas past

Making sure that they at least Can afford to put the oven on this December. Still we love it, despite the irony that we can't afford to spend in times of bleak austerity. And take some comfort from the twisted fantasy that if our shopping's from John Lewis, that's an act of charity. Yeah, they hide it pretty well. Oh, they hide it pretty

well. They've got some skateboards to sell. More than 20 different skateboards to sell. And it's still November. Thank you.