Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 19th March ft Lucy Porter, Eshaan Akbar and Jess Robinson

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in front of a remote audience - and all from their own home!Joining them from a safe distance is Lucy Porter fighting for our right to protest, Eshaan Akbar analysing our spending habits and a Beyonce inspired song by Jess Robinson and Felix Hagen.Voice Actors: Jason Forbes and Karen BartkeProducer: Pete Strauss Production Co-Ordinator: Carina Andrews Editor/Engineer: David ThomasBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Lucy Porter, Eshan Akbar, Jess Robinson, Karen Barkey and Jason Forbes.

And this is... The Now Show! Thank you. Thank you very much. So this week, with the vaccine rolling out, albeit lumpily, with holidays being booked and Greggs promising new branches, the government turned its attention to shaping what Britain will look like in a post-Covid, post-Brexit world. Yes, apparently we're going to be tilting to the Indo-Pacific region

and importing more from the Far East. So far, we've imported banning political protest from China and ignoring nuclear weapons agreements from North Korea. To tell us about all this, the government unveiled a photo of their new briefing room, where important government announcements can be made without all the bother and fuss of having to go through Parliament. Yes, at a cost of £2.6 million, Downing Street has used a Russian-owned company to build an American-style briefing room so we can hear all about how we're now free of foreign

influence. It's difficult to see where all the money went though. Yes, because the room is rather drab apart from having a collection of Union Jacks hanging in the background, which to me always makes anywhere look like a scout hut. As you may have seen in the official photo of the new briefing room, there was nobody there apart from a Henry Hoover waiting by the side of the stage, presumably to play a role in the press conferences. And now we'll have our first question from Laura Koonsberg of the BBC. Thank you. Prime Minister, how do you justify rushing this protests bill through Parliament

when lots of people, particularly women, are really angry about the way that the police have handled recent incidents? Sorry, Laura, I can't hear you for some reason. OK, let's move on. Next question. The party that spent 10 years complaining that Tony Blair was too presidential has now got a prime ministerial plane in a situation room, a briefing room and plans to end prime minister's questions each week with the words Mr Speaker, y'all have a nice day. To make it even worse, the current slogan, Build Back Better, is exactly the same one that Joe Biden is using.

Yeah, it's as if there's a world slogan shortage and we've all got to share the same one. We don't need to use build back better. Let's keep the alliteration but go for something definitely British that the Americans could never nick. That's why I'm proud to unveil our new slogan to get Britain fighting fit again. And that is grow Greggs greater. Or possibly Henry Hoover harder.

Or even... Stop stealing slogans. In this brave new post-Brexit world, however, the younger generation who have been trapped indoors for most of a year have missed out a lot on schooling and social interaction. So this week saw the announcement of a once-in-a-generation report into the future of childhood by the new Children's Commissioner for England, Dame Rachel D'Souza,

described by the papers as the Children's Tsar. Yes, and on top of that, they also have Sir Kevin Collins as the school's catch-up Tsar. I have no idea why Whitehall is so full of Tsars. It would be less confusing if they at least varied it a bit. Hello, I'm the new Children's Czar. Are you the appointment Supremo? Indeed, allow me to

introduce our newly appointed Shellfish Export Sultan, who will work with the Fair Trade Pharaoh, and our newly appointed Holy Roman Emperor of Public Sector Payments. Delighted to meet you. Of course, I do have to liaise with a range of people,

including the pensions Maharaja, the renewable energy Kaiser, and Henry, the head Hoover honcho. So, did you get all that? No, I'm not sure. Don't worry, the catch-up czar will bring you up to speed. Dame Rachel D'Souza has already stated her aims. She intends to... Rebuild childhood. Which seems a rather ambitious target, but possibly she's going to bring a

Russian firm in to do it for her. Her specific plans included... I'm calling for free school meals to be extended into the summer holidays and for universal credit levels to not be dropped. It's nice to have somebody campaigning for those things full-time, isn't it? Instead of fitting it around a football career. She plans to launch the Big Ask, claimed to be England's biggest survey of children, to find out what children think of the post-pandemic barriers to their futures. And I'm sure that survey will yield some interesting results. My extensive research has found that the biggest challenge facing children is that they never seem to get the class hamster. But over 40% of the sample also claimed that their brother was stinky, that they don't see the point of maths, and that they wanted playing Fortnite

to be part of the national curriculum. To explain how we intend to fund the changes needed, I'm now going to hand over to Henry Hoover. But despite these setbacks, though, in the new Britain, it will be a lot easier to get a bus. Yes, it will. There are going to be 4,000 new ones, either electric or using hydrogen, although that's more problematic because they have to be tethered down at the bus stops. All buses, of course, will be contactless. Many buses already are. In rural areas, some people don't have any contact with the bus for months on end.

To help you plan for life in the new Britain, the Office of National Statistics has announced this week that it's changing the contents of the basket of goods used to calculate inflation. The contents of it are an indication of how our lifestyles have changed. So out go... Staff restaurant sandwiches, gold chains and a shoulder of lamb. And income... Hand sanitiser, loungewear and dumbbells.

Used mainly to develop the strength to carry a basket with 720 items in it. All of this will help in the bold new post-Brexit world, which is good because if the government get their way, you won't get much chance to protest about any of it. Because under the proposed new Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill, protests will have to set start and finish times and noise limits. The bill also proposes that damage to statues

will carry a maximum sentence of 10 years. So all those Extinction Rebellion types who protest as human statues, you should be safe from damage. Take a long time to get anywhere, though. You'll have to wait until the police turn their backs. OK, everyone just creep forwards. And stop. The policeman's turning around.

So, what do we want? Lucy Porter with some more details. When do we want it? Right now. Yes, this week the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill passed its second reading in the Commons by 359 votes to 263. While its stated purpose is to cover a number of issues relating to wider community safety, it has been noted that the bill mentions statues more often than it does women. It might be hard to pin them down on some issues, but this government clearly feels very strongly that bronze lives matter. Under the new legislation, police

will have the power to impose noise limits as well as start and finish times for demonstrations. Hmm, the power to decide that a protest has to end at the same time as your shift. It's hard to know if that's intended to ensure public order or just cut back on police overtime. I'm sure there are better uses of police time than deciding whether ten kids waving placards outside Boots shouting, Save the trees, is too disruptive. I also feel sorry for the poor coppers forming a human ring around the statue of Churchill like their Madonna's mind is at Glastonbury. Sometimes they put Churchill in a little box, but then people can't see him. I say encase him in perspex and dangle him over the Thames,

because none of us were able to cause any harm to David Blaine when he did that, even though God knows we tried. even though God knows we tried. Fundamentally, this bill seems to misunderstand what a protest is. They are meant to be disruptive. They are meant to make people affected by the disruption think about an issue that may have escaped their attention. A protest that doesn't disturb anyone is just a discrete gathering of people who agree with each other,

like a Doctor Who convention or the select committee that approves MPs' pay rises. Not that I'm much of a marcher myself these days. Now that I'm older, going on a demo is about as appealing as going on a hen weekend in Magaluf. It was fun in my 20s, but nowadays my knees simply couldn't take it. But whatever your age or political views, there are things in this bill that should concern you. Community Secretary Robert Jenrick wrote in the Telegraph that the government would save Britain's statues from the woke militants who want to censor our past. But protest is a part of British history too, from the Peasants' Revolt to the Chartist

Movement, from the suffragists to the Free Deirdre Barlow campaign. I fully support the rights of people I disagree with to take to the streets. I don't support foxhunting, but in 2002 I got caught up in the Countryside Alliance march against the ban and I had a great time. The food was amazing. They had salmon pate, venison pies, lemon drizzle cakes, whereas at lefty marches you're lucky if you get half a chickpea served in a copy of The Socialist Worker. I know people are angry about protesters breaking lockdown rules and I understand that, but the recent ones have been outside and most people there were wearing face masks, so it did seem pretty Covid safe,

safer than my weekly shop where there's always at least five unmasked preschool kids seeing how far they can get a finger up their nose before stroking all the kinder joys. I've been thinking, if the government takes away our right to protest, if I want to stay Covid safe and if I'm too old to want to march anyway,

how can I still get involved? I've looked to other unusual protests for inspiration. We could go on sex strike, like Lysistrata, but a year into Covid, I don't think most of us are getting much anyway. Either we're single and can't go out on the pool, or we've been locked in with our partner for a year and are sick of the sight of them. To be honest, if I so much as give my husband a suggestive look these days, he grabs his Sudoku and locks himself in the bathroom. English people are very good at being passive-aggressive,

so maybe we could just cover everything we're angry about with one giant tut. The Scots did a great protest when Trump came over. Can we learn lessons from them? One demonstrator held up a sign saying... The trouble is that Scottish people are just better at insults. When a Glaswegian says pure fanny, it's a brilliant put-down. When someone from the home county says pure fanny, it sounds like they're describing a perfume from goop i am worried about this legislation a silent community is not a safer community i know that from my own children as soon as i can't hear them i know they're up to no good and if you want to

place a noise restriction on people who already feel they are not being heard, it strongly suggests that you don't want to listen. With political discourse becoming increasingly polarised, maybe even in civil disobedience, there's room for compromise. I've got one final suggestion. How about we fit the Churchill statue with a hinge at its base? Protesters can topple it during the day and then the police can snap him back on his plinth in time for tea. Thank you. Lucy Porter. It's awards season with endless column inches about Grammys, BAFTAs, Golden Globes and the Oscars, which this year has introduced a new category, Best Film the Average Person Has Even Heard Of. So we have a few awards of our own. Best Political Comeback goes to Dominic Cummings,

who re-emerged this week to give evidence to the Science and Technology Committee about ARIA, the Advanced Research and Invention Agency, which he pushed strongly to set up. He had his usual go at the civil service, describing the Department of Health as... A smoke and ruin. And Cummings knows a lot about ruins, frequently driving to them to test his eyesight.

In order to encourage risk-taking and get successful outcomes from its £800 million budget, Uria has also been set up with a higher tolerance to failure than is normal, which means that whatever other qualities he may have, Cummings would be a hopeless head of the Spectre organisation. I'm afraid, number four, that this organisation does not tolerate failure. We positively encourage it as an essential precondition for success. For example, the exploding boardroom chair in which you are now sitting is still clearly not working. It is yet another unsuccessful project. You may now go and send in Dido Harding.

Next, we come to best supporting role in your own movie and Elon Musk, the world's richest weirdo, who announced this week that he's given himself a new job title. He's no longer CEO of his company, but rather... Techno King! Now, you might think that this is just publicity. And it probably is. But the title has nonetheless been registered with the regulatory authority. And it isn't just his job title. From now on, his financial director will be... Master of Coin!

Next, we come to the inaugural Waste in Space Award for Best Technological Newcomer. Yes, because The Weeknd sees a demonstration of a Japanese extraterrestrial waste disposal spacecraft, which will use magnets to try and capture some of the 9,000 tonnes of space junk that are orbiting the Earth. No wonder we never

get any visits from aliens. It's a nightmare just trying to get here. I tried to land on Earth once, but corblime me never again. There I was, just on the edge of the atmosphere, went bam, got taken out by a knackered satellite, lost my no-claims bonus,

saw Sue as if the body shot for three weeks, and to top it all, a ballistic missile test missed me by inches, didn't get the number, just caught the Union Jacks on the side. The Garbage Disposal spacecraft is built by a company called Astroscale, who say the rubbish will be collected first thing Wednesday morning, but we've all heard that one before. But if the technology works, this could be the start of something big. Hello and welcome to Cash in the Atmosphere.

I'm here with Jill, who found this large object floating 700 miles above her house in Surrey. I thought it might be worth something, because it's enormous and it's got top secret written all over it. Yes, well, Jill, I am pleased to tell you that you found a malfunctioning CIA satellite, which at auction could fetch somewhere between 10 million rubles or 500 million yuan,

depending on which foreign government you sell it to. I see you've also found an ITV digital satellite from 15 years ago. That's worth absolutely nothing. The spacecraft itself is, as usual, a bit disappointing to look at. We all think spacecraft looking like streamlined rockets, whereas most of them look like a dismantled washing machine wrapped in foil. And this one, sadly, is no exception. But it is an early prototype. The finished waste disposal orbiter will look very different.

This is the ISS calling Houston. We have an unidentified craft approaching. ISS, can you describe, over? It's big, it's bright red, it's got a kind of suction hose for collecting garbage. It has a smiley face on it, and the word's Henry Hoover. Roger, ISS. That craft is non-operational. I repeat, it is non-operational. The Brits have nowhere to plug that in. We now come to the category of Best Pixar Movie Just Waiting to Happen,

because we learned this week the story of the Regent Honey Eater. Not, as you may think, one of the titles that Megan was offered for Archie, but turned down, but instead an endangered species of Australian bird which has forgotten how to sing its own song. Apparently, there are so few Regent honey eaters left that they live too far apart to hear each other anymore. Coming soon from Pixar, the story of a little bird who lost both his parents to deforestation and also his wings are on backwards oh no i've migrated in the wrong direction again without his song he cannot attract a mate without mate, his kind will die out.

I'm sorry, you're singing the wrong tune. But it's Ed Sheeran. Everyone likes Ed Sheeran. You must sing your own tune, the Regent Honeyator tune. But, but I don't know it. Well then, I guess it's goodbye. Critics are calling it genuinely distressing and unfeasibly sad for a kid's goodbye. Critics are calling it genuinely distressing and unfeasibly sad for a kids movie.

Pixar's Last of the Regent Honey Eaters in theatres now. Bring your own tissues. All terribly sad. The scientist who published the research explained that... If the male birds are singing a weird song, the females might not mate with them. Yeah, and the reason the songs are weird, apparently,

is that the birds are learning other species' songs instead of their own, but can't quite sing them properly. This phenomenon is also occasionally seen in humans, where, for example, Keir Starmer keeps changing his tune to match the government's. Finally, we come to boldest threat of the week, and the award goes to North Korea's Kim Yo-jong, sister of Kim Jong-un, who told the United States

to cancel their military drills if they want a good night's sleep. The US government has said it's been trying for weeks to make diplomatic contact with the country, but they keep getting Kim Jong-un's voicemail. Kim Jong-un can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message after the beep and he'll get back at you as soon as possible. Now, as mentioned, the ONS updated the shopping basket they used to track inflation this week.

With goods and services being swapped around faster than at an Amazon fulfilment centre, here's Eshan Akbar to help us make sense of it. So earlier this week, the Office for National Statistics published their annual review of what we are putting in our shopping baskets. Seeing our changing spending habits helps them calculate inflation in a more scientific way than, did you know Freddos were just 10p in 2005? And the new items they add tend to tell us a story about how people are living.

17 new items have made it into the basket this year. Of course, hand gel is in there. Sales of the work-from-home uniform, joggers to you and me, have also increased, taking the meaning of smart casual to a whole new dimension. We've also been buying smart watches and free weights because more people are exercising at home. They clearly didn't look at my weightless basket. Although I have been trying to lose weight,

I've discovered there's loads of diet and exercise plans out there and it can be mind-boggling to know what works. But after much research, I've managed to find the foolproof weight loss plan that I'm happy to share with you now. It's called the Free School Meals Plan, where for just £30 a week, they send you £5 worth of food. where for just £30 a week they'll send you £5 worth of food.

Our food habits are particularly interesting in terms of what's in and what's out. Lamb on the bone, white chocolate and ground coffee are out. I'm particularly happy to see white chocolate go because if we're honest with ourselves, white chocolate is cultural appropriation and it's high time you stopped. If we're honest with ourselves, white chocolate is cultural appropriation and it's high time you stopped. I'm surprised though that ground coffee is out. Ever since I bought a glass cloth filter coffee maker from Japan, I live for the stuff. I say live for the stuff, I'm just trying to earn enough to get my money's worth from it.

Being bougie comes at a price. There are however some surprising omissions that I thought might skew the basket a bit. For a start, I thought people were stockpiling toilet paper for the best part of 2020. Not me, of course. I grew up in a Muslim household where, like almost 75% of the world's population, we actually care about hygiene and use water. But that's for another episode. we actually care about hygiene and use water. But that's for another episode. There's also the big thing that seems to have been missed off the list entirely. I'm talking, of course, about the Millennial Lockdown Starter Pack.

In at number one on the Millennial Lockdown Starter Pack is houseplants. They're all the rage now. I actually read a description of one of them and they've really made it sound like the best relationship. This is Cyril, he'll make the place look nice, doesn't need much sun and is very hard to kill. Second on the Millennial Lockdown Starter Pack is mason jars for all those sourdough starters and banana bread mixes. I, of course, have got mason jars, but they're for spices because even spaghetti hoops need a makeover now.

And finally, to complete the Millennial Lockdown Starter Pack is... a puppy! Yay! In a cliche that won't surprise you, I bought a puppy in lockdown, which my dad keeps reminding me isn't an acceptable replacement for having kids. I feel like I do need to caveat that I didn't go for a rescue because I'd rather not traumatise an already traumatised dog, which is a curiosity about owning a puppy. Even those people that have no interest in dogs

always ask me if I've got a rescue. Just because their approach to life-affirming relationships is to partner up with people with baggage. Over three million households have bought a pet during this lockdown, with almost 60% of new pet owners being under the age of 35. And it's not just buying the pet. There's also additional costs, and this is greatly influenced by the people you're surrounded by.

My partner, an eco-conscious vegetarian, conceded to letting me eat meat in the house because the dog would probably eat meat. Lamb on the bone, back in the basket. She also insists that the puppy eats a steady diet of a sweet potato and insect food coupled with oat milk. Our puppy absolutely loves it. But our puppy also loves the poo of other dogs. And as you've probably gathered, my girlfriend is a nice middle class white lady. The dog I've bought is a nice black dog.

I'm Asian. I'm currently the BBC's wet dream. It's pretty. As for this year's CPI, it turns out that during a global pandemic, we are obsessively cleaning our hands, wearing joggers and having a vegetable couscous for lunch. I don't know about you, that sounds pretty idyllic to me. So with lockdown restrictions steadily beginning to ease, we're all looking forward to returning to normality. Or are we? Some psychologists feel that people may be wary

or even nervous of returning to normal. So we've asked our audience via Twitter what they are least looking forward to. Yeah, stress testing the button on my work trousers. I'm not looking forward to seeing my work colleagues. They're all bastards. This one is pretty good. What are you least looking forward to seeing my work colleagues. They're all bastards. This one is pretty good. What are you least looking forward to?

It just goes, getting dressed. Dry lunches. Should I start having dry breakfasts too? This one, quite simply, goes, what are you least looking forward to? People. So thank you very much for those, and we'll be putting another audience question on Twitter,

at BBC Now Show, for next week. So, what with Boris's £3 billion worth of funding for buses, we asked Beyonce to write an anthem glitzy enough to match the new world of UK public transport. She was a bit busy, what with her 28th Grammy win, so please welcome Jess Robinson. CHEERING All my ladies, all my thugs who want to take it down slow. Meet me on the top deck of the 2812 Houndstow. The phone is rockin' at third.

Hear those engines blast. And if you do not like it, you can kiss my freedom pass. Sorry, I ain't sorry, cause who needs them? When I'm bored, I hop aboard and do a lap of each of them. We don't take no taxis. We don't drive no taxis. We don't drive no cars. Public transport's where it's at, so beep those Oyster cars.

When you want to get to Tadley, but you can't afford a taxi. No eye contact or talking. It's grim, but it it beats walking Round and round Wheels on the bus Go round and round When I pull up at my stop Wanna get that bus Go to Grimsby, go to Glossop

Babe, I ain't that fuss It's so comfortable and clean My double-decker big red limousine Say to the driver, where you gonna take me Now that I'm on the bus It's so comfortable and clean My double-decker big red limousine Say to the driver, where you gonna take me Now that I'm on the bus, it's like Blakey The wheels on the bus go round and round So shoot that booty to the sound People love it when Queen Bee's around

So give me my three billion pounds The wheels on the bus go round and round All day long You've been listening to The Now Show starring Steve Bumfew, Dennis Lucicorte, pounds. The wheels on the bus go round and round all day long.