Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 1st December

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by David Eagle unpacking the Advent, Jessica Fostekew looking into the repeal of the New Zealand smoking ban, and an original song from Archie Henderson, performed with Becky CJ.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Alex Garrick-Wright, Jade Gebbie, Rhiannon Shaw, Miranda Holms and Cody Dahler.Voice Actors: Jason Forbes and Lola-Rose Maxwell.Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are David Eagle, Jessica Fosterkew, Jason Forbes, Lola Rose Maxwell and Archie Henderson. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you very much.

So, this week saw a lot of rebranding and changes of image. Rishi Sunak, for example, is trying to rebrand himself as a hard man. So he deliberately picked a fight with Greece about the Elgin marbles, or Parthenon marbles, as they're now known. And he almost confused himself doing this, as he's not used to fighting to keep something foreign in the country. I pledge that this time we will stop the boats from leaving. Any boats with bits of broken sculpture in them,

we will send home. I mean, back. The government attracted criticism from its own side, too, with former Minister Zach Goldsmith claiming that Sunak has a record of... Treating foreign leaders with clumsiness and sometimes rudeness. To which Sunak replied... I categorically deny that. Oi, Macron, hurry up with my coffee. Understandably, the Greeks want the marbles back,

and understandably, the British don't want to give them back, because they see it as the top of a very slippery slope. If we agree to the return of the Elgin marbles, we will then face the loss of other ancient artefacts, Cleopatra's needle, the Rosetta Stone, and worst of all, the pyramid stage at Glastonbury. I mean, it's not as if we don't share our own antiquities with the rest of the world.

Please welcome the Rolling Stones! Now, I'm not sure Athens is worrying about the right thing anyway. I mean, given the recent track record of the British Museum, the Greeks should have been checking eBay to see if any of the marbles were up for sale. Yeah. And I'm not sure why Lord Elgin took them in the first place. If he'd been happy with a postcard from the kiosk

and a little model Parthenon inside a snow dome, all this could have been avoided. And I'm not sure politicians should dictate what they will or won't discuss anyway. I mean, they're publicly accountable. It's not like a chat show or something where Tom Cruise will come on but you can't ask him about Scientology. I mean, talking

about things you don't want to talk about is pretty much what politics is. Otherwise, what's the point of PMQs? Can I ask the Prime Minister about inflation? I told you I'm not talking about that. What about energy prices? I told you no! Immigration?

That's it. This interview's over. Macron, start the helicopter! But so much of these things is to do with image. Even the King had to do a bit of PR mending this week after it emerged that since taking the throne, he's entitled to the estates of anyone who dies without a will or obvious heirs in the Duchy of Lancaster. Now, the money is meant to be handed to charity,

but an investigation revealed that it's also been used for projects such as renovating holiday cottages, which the Duchy rents. Now, this caused a bit of an outcry from the public. And also from Captain Tom's daughter. The whole thing sounds a bit like one of those adverts on daytime TV. Hello, June. Have you thought about what happens if you die without

making a will? No. That's why I've made my will using this starter pack for just £29.99 from JML. You get your own parchment, goose feather quill, and pot of ink. And what's more, there's

no medical. Plus, they give you this free pen. Oh, blasted pen. Tate it, I don't want it. It's a medieval rule called bona vacantia, and Charles has only been entitled to it since last year when he handed the Duchy of Cornwall over to William. And maybe

that rankled with him more than he let on. I don't see why William should get the whole lot for nothing, because I built that business with my bare hands, and I intend to drive him into the ground. I am so pleased Camilla made me watch Succession. Of course, that wasn't the only image problem for the royals this week. No, a new book, Endgame, revealed more about the Harry and Meghan saga and how they helped construct an infinity gauntlet to destroy

Thanos. Controversy mainly centred around an alleged translation error in the Dutch edition, which somehow managed to include the names of the royals who allegedly made racist comments. So two possibilities occur. One... His co-author was ChatGPT.

Or two... The whole thing is a publicity stunt, which judging by the pages and pages of coverage would seem quite likely. Charles must be quite pleased to be flying off to open the COP28 summit on climate change next week, where again there's plenty of image changing going on. Yes, firstly from the Prime Minister, who has spent

the last few months encouraging more diesel cars and handing out new drilling licences in the North Sea, but suddenly wants to appear green and is demanding a new national park, a green policy which just happens to also protect house prices and prevent any new development, all at the same time. And the airline industry is also wanting to change its image, as this week saw the first experimental flight by a plane powered by old cooking oil. The plane was operated by Virgin Atlantic, or if you're in first class, Extra Virgin Atlantic. It's also interesting that running planes on old frying oil seems to have been developed since the 2021 COP conference was held in Glasgow.

Can I point out, Scottish writer wrote that joke, thank you. Meanwhile, London Mayor Sadiq Khan told the Covid inquiry that he wasn't allowed to attend Cobra meetings during the pandemic, although to be fair there is a tradition of London Mayors not attending Cobra meetings, which Boris

Johnson also followed for several weeks. Oh, and Boris is up next week. Just don't ask him about Bonavacantia. Oh, yes, I use that phrase a lot. It means have a good holiday. So, as Advent begins, our first guest is here to pop open the first door

and deliver the slightly small chocolate. Please welcome back to The Now Show, David Eagle. CHEERING It's Advent when Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus and anticipate his return. I was brought up a Catholic, and the Christmas hymn that I remember the most from school was The Seven Joys of Mary,

which listed in order the joys that Mary experienced being the mother of Jesus. As a child, I was rather amused by the opening verse, which went, The first good joy that Mary had, it was the joy of one, to see her own son Jesus Christ sucking at her breastbone. Seems like a needlessly prurient start to a hymn. Surely giving birth to the Son of God would count as a good joy. But no, the author of this hymn for some reason has thought, right, first things first, get the virgin's breasts in there. The second joy was seeing Jesus curing the lame,

and the third joy was Jesus curing the blind. Being blind myself, I was a little peeved as a child to discover that the lame trumped the blind on Jesus' broadcast. It's nice to know where we are on your pecking order, Jesus. The fourth joy that Mary had was seeing Jesus reading the Bible. I imagine it's a joy for any mother to see their child reading, but I would argue that when you've already seen your child curing the lame and the blind, reading is a bit of a 90s climax.

These days, we know about a lot more disabilities, and there are hidden disabilities that aren't as obviously visible. But I suspect that if Jesus did return, he would stick to the good old classic tried and tested disabilities. After all, it's quite impressive and theatrical for an assembled throng of onlookers to see Jesus curing a blind person or someone who previously couldn't walk, throwing away their crutches and dancing about the place with glee. But I don't imagine it would have the same impact with a crowd for Jesus to go, dyslexic man, I cure you.

Go forth, my child. Go forth and spell yoghurt. ADHD man, go forth, my child, with an ability to conform to the accepted norms, values and structures of a Western capitalist society. Thank you, Jesus, thank you. I'm going straight home to do my tax return. Anyway, enough about Jesus. Let's turn our attention to the true meaning of Christmas,

rampant consumerism. This year's M&S Christmas advert has been criticised because it dares to suggest that you do Christmas your way. And if that means you don't want to buy loads of Christmas cards and crackers, then, well, that's fine. The advert shows a fairly flippant scene of people destroying a gingerbread house and an elf on the shelf. This has led people to rant on social media about how M&S are trying to cancel Christmas and want to outlaw the purchase of Christmas cards, crackers and party hats,

which might be a valid point, were it not for the fact that M&S are still selling Christmas cards, crackers and party hats, decorations and all the usual festive flim-flam. Nevertheless, people have branded the store as woke for trying to cancel Christmas, spawning enraged social media users to write angry posts. I don't feel safe in M&S. They clearly despise me. And the billions of pounds Christianity and actual Brits have poured into them.

Betrayal. Now, maybe being blind, I'm missing something, but to the best of my knowledge, Christian iconography does not include party hats, gingerbread houses and elf on the shelf. My favourite one, though, is this one. The more they try and cancel Christmas, the more we just love it. Are my Christmas lights offending anyone? Oh, they are? Great, I'm off to buy some more. Makes me so angry.

I love the idea of this person just festooning their house with festive decorations, tinsels, baubles and fairy lights, all the while shaking with absolute rage. Take the horse with bows up high! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! shaking with absolute rage. Take the horse with bows up high! In fact, maybe there's a gap in the market for a new Christmas compilation album. Now, that's what I call Christmas music, the angry anti-woke edition.

Featuring... I saw three boats come rowing in On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day But Suella sent them back again on Christmas Day in the morning. Oh, come let us deport him. Oh, come let us deport him. Go home! Now, that's what I call Christmas music,

the Angry Anti-Woke Edition, available now. Brilliant. Where can I get it? Exclusively at M&S. So, as you may have gathered, when it comes to the M&S advert, I can't see what all the fuss is about. But then again, I can't see, so maybe I'm missing something. Because, while a lot of TV shows have audio description, when the adverts start,

a blind person essentially enters this weird no-man's land. A lot of adverts don't ever say what they're actually advertising. In fact, there's not really any dialogue at all. I'll leave you with one of my favourite examples. It's the 2012 advert for the shaving product Nivea for Men, which shows a group of men applying aftershave to their faces, grimacing and shouting with the pain. Now, none of that is communicated to a blind person. Now, imagine what I thought when I switched on the TV and heard this. Now, believe it or not, my first thought...

My first thought was not shaving products. No, it sounds like pornography for beatboxers. I'll let you into a secret. That's the real reason I'm here. Some blind friends of mine have lobbied me. They say that, obviously, they can't watch porn, but they do quite like the idea of a late-night Radio for porn service. It's the only reason I'm here. I've got some short titles, The Immoral Maze, Covort for the Day, Loose Friends, and Up You and Yours. And now that I've successfully carried out my true mission, I might as well be off. Thank you

very much. Merry Christmas. Up you and yours. David Eagle there. So it turns out that among all the rebrands and changes of image going on at the moment, one of the things that needs a change of image are brands themselves. According to a report this week from the Competition and Markets Authority,

one of the biggest culprits in the cost of living crisis are the major brands who have disproportionately increased their prices to keep their margins up while their customers struggle. Yes, now to demonstrate this on the Tesco website this week, Tesco own brand baked beans, 50p a tin, hind, £1.40. Meanwhile, Aldi everyday essentials were 28p, so you really are paying a lot for brand familiarity. Which isn't as surprising as brand familiarity is one of the key drivers of modern life. It's why the Conservatives are offering tax cuts and why ITV haven't altered the format, appearance, music or content of I'm a Celebrity in... The number of years that ITV have not changed, I'm a Celebrity in the number of years that ITV have not changed, I'm a celebrity is.

Oh, for God's sake, it's 21 years. Stupid long pauses. It's exactly the same programme every year, which is why it has a loyal audience and why that audience no longer includes me. Although the viewing figures are down this year and Nigel Farage's friends are claiming programme every year, which is why it has a loyal audience and why that audience no longer includes me. Although, the viewing figures are down this year and Nigel Farage's friends are claiming this is because ITV aren't giving

him airtime. Why on earth ITV would pay someone a record one and a half million pound fee and then not give them airtime they don't explain? I mean, that would be like paying an ex-Prime Minister to write a book about Shakespeare, which still hasn't come out. Anyway, back to baked beans

and how much we pay for the leading brand. Yes, now the thing is here, that Britain is by far the biggest baked bean market in the world. We eat around 450 million tins of beans a year, and that's 390 million tins ahead of second on the list, Australia, who manage a mere 60 million. But for us, though, beans are a way of life, celebrated culturally in one of the greatest

and most universally known pieces of 20th-century poetry. Beans, beans are good for your heart. This week was actually a big week in the bean field because scientists have produced a variety of haricot bean that will grow in a UK climate. And the first all-British beans were canned this week, prompting the Daily Mirror to say... People are only just learning that the haricot bean,

which is used in baked beans, isn't actually grown in the UK. I do love this people are only just learning thing. What it means is journalists are only just learning thing. What it means is journalists are only just learning. The media seem to have picked this up from Donald Trump, who is forever finding things everyone has known for years and then claiming to have discovered them.

Did you know that the word us is part of USA? No one ever noticed that before. You may have seen that Liz Truss endorsed Donald Trump this week. Did you know that Great Britain had a Prime Minister called Liz Truss? Nobody knew that, I just found out. What people definitely just learned this week is

that the price of baby formula milk has risen 25% in two years and that using the own brand version could save £500 in your child's first year. Of course, the cost of living crisis is showing up everywhere at the moment. Yes, the crisis is also showing up in local councils, where this week Nottingham became the latest council to declare bankruptcy. The officials are blamed a drop in tax income,

as it keeps getting stolen on the way through Sherwood Forest. What with all this misery, inflation and war and possible snow this weekend, you'll be pleased to know, though, that should you decide to soak away your worries in the bath, another survey this week claims that it's identified the optimum time to spend in the tub. 22 minutes. Absolutely wrong, ladies and gentlemen,

because the BBC know from audience research that many people listen to Radio 4 in the bath, and if you're only in for 22 minutes, you're going to miss the audience question, which this week is... How long should you spend in the bath? Yes. The survey also suggests that the most relaxing thing to do in a bath is...

Wait for it... Scroll on your phone. How can having your phone with you possibly be the most relaxing thing to do in a bath? I would have thought that anything not involving the risk of having to keep your phone in a bag of dry rice for a week would be more relaxing. Plus, they also suggest that scrolling on your phone is the worst thing to do if you then want a good night's sleep. Especially if while scrolling you happen to come across a survey

which tells you that scrolling will result in the worst night's sleep. Also not helping anyone sleep is the news that 100mg of material from the asteroid Bennu, which NASA visited last year, has arrived in the UK for analysis and may provide clues to the origins of life on Earth, which isn't worrying in itself until you scroll down and you find that Bennu may hit us and wipe us out in the next 300 years. Samples are now being sent to labs all around the world,

but according to NASA, it actually plans to put most of the Bennu sample into an archive to be preserved for scientists not yet born, to work in laboratories that don't yet exist, using instruments that have not yet been invented. But we'll be just in time for... Now, there is no smoke without fire, and in New Zealand there's no smoking ban without a repeal of a smoking ban. Here to tell us about it all is Jessica Fosterkew.

New Zealand's new government have shocked the world this week by repealing Jacinda Ardern's epic new smoking ban, despite the fact that smoking kills more people than anything else in New Zealand. And that's saying something in a country that's home to deadly spiders and great white sharks, not to mention Sauron. The new law would have come into force next year and would have banned the sale of cigarettes to anyone born after 2008.

And they've unbanned it. How rock and roll is that? And on the new Prime Minister, Christopher Luxton's first day after being sworn in as well. There's a man back in charge now finally and I'm sick of everyone thinking we're a country full of feminists and hobbits and other notorious

weaklings. We don't need pointless bans on things that colour us because we are big strong boys. Any questions? Prime Minister, what are you getting rid of next? Safe belts. I'm particularly stunned by this repeal. Of course I am. I am a smug ex-smoker.

I remember the day I stopped for good very clearly. My son was a toddler who I thought had never seen me smoke and I definitely didn't realise had overheard me talking about quitting at the end of the summer. But one day as we walked along in a busy public place full of people listening, he shouted, Mummy, when is the end of the summer? And I said, a few weeks time. Why?

And he bellowed, because that's when you've said you're going to give up the old adult blowing. Excuse me? He shouted, I've seen you hiding in the garden to do the adult blowing. The shame. The smoking ban we've had in the UK since 2007 has worked.

Since then, it's been illegal to smoke in enclosed spaces or workplaces. Studies have shown that following these original bans, hospital admissions for directly smoking-related diseases reduced, including marked reductions in premature births and childhood asthma, and over £800 million every single year of savings for the NHS. For the love of facts, surely that's a good thing. And our attitudes have changed. I have what feels like a wild childhood memory of being sat as a five-year-old between two smoking parents

on a plane. Jacinda's mighty ban had been internationally applauded. Other countries, including the UK, had said they liked its prospect so much they were going to follow suit. It was set to be New Zealand's new most famous export. One ban to rule them all. But making smoking easier again does feel like a bizarrely regressive thing to do. All-out bans can be impractical and in some cases tough to enforce. I don't fancy being the police officer

whose job it would be to arrest illegal smokers in the act, but at least they'd be quite easy to beat in a chase. There were some logistical worries over the ban because it would stop anyone born after 2008 from buying cigarettes and it meant there would come a time where a 40-year-old might have to ask a 41-year-old to buy their fags for them. It sounds strange, but let me tell you, I would love that. As someone who has very recently turned 40,

the sheer human thrill I just got at once more being ID'd. It begs the question, who could possibly have been against this ban? We spoke to Forrest, the UK's smokers' rights group, largely funded by the tobacco industry, and their spokesperson said... HE COUGHS We... We think... HE COUGHS

We think... HE COUGHS We think smoking's delicious. HE COUGHS In actuality, the only group who'd been vocally against the ban had been owners of corner shops and news agents, who, I should add, were going to be given subsidies. As a parent of an eight-year-old obviously born way after 2008, I can vouch I'm not spending any less money in those types of shops

now that I don't smoke. They should be far more worried about a ban on Pokemon cards or Prime. But to end on a positive note, Sunak has said he does still intend to bring the extended ban here in the UK, with the very noble aim of putting an end to smoking forever. Unfortunately, he said he will have to make up the tobacco tax financial shortfall by instead taxing vapes. What?

That's just jumping out of the frying pan and into the watermelon plume. Rishi, ideally, we'd like a government not to be financially reliant on tax income from any kind of adult blowing. Hopefully by the time my son is 40 he looks back at when he saw teenagers on a bus casually huffing on a highlighter full of blue ras lemonade

flavoured wet lung before lobbing it in a mountain of landfill with all the same sentiments of pure horror at what used to be fine, as I do when I think back to being a child on that smoky plane. Now, you may have seen this week that Elon Musk was asked about declining advertising on Twitter and replied with a short piece of Anglo-Saxon advice,

which he may come to regret. So we have asked our audience what is the dumbest thing that they have ever done. I accepted the job of head of advertising sales at Twitter, being paid totally on commission. When playing I Spy with the kids, I said, I spy with my little eye something beginning with tree. I once got so bored watching a health and safety training video

that I started playing with a stapler. And I stapled my fingers together. Thank you for sharing those, and that is almost it for this week. Yeah, so this week a fight broke out between two theatre-goers during the interval at a touring performance of Hamilton in Manchester. With more details on just how it all kicked off, please welcome our musical guest, Archie Henderson. Hello, sir. Did you enjoy the first half of the show?

Oh, very much so, yes. Thank you. Can I get you any interval snacks, or...? Yes, I'd like a programme and a packet of Rebels, please. Oh, sorry, sir. The last pack of Rebels just went to this gentleman here. You. You. That arse-faced, pigeon-chested, middle-management type from Wigan who's been singing out of key over the flute since the beginning,

now sitting in D3 filling cheeks with ill-gotten winnings while I'm left with a single tin of vinegary Pringles. You! And over the fruits of your foraging got from false origins, along with an apology for hogging all the top chocolates. Honestly, watching you revel in those revels, it's just obvious. You're probably one of those sick wrong-uns

whose favorite one is the orange ones. No, I like the coffee ones. My favorite revel is the coffee ones. And I've just guzzled every single one. Plus five espresso martinis and half a litre of rum.

So if you're liking a bitey, you'll have to come fight me because I am not giving away my chucks. No, gentlemen, please don't fight. I... I really can't be arsed with this right now. I'm an out-of-work actress working on front of house for minimum wage. Breaking up this fight is like seven miles

above my pay grade. But if I don't try, then I will definitely be fired. And I can't go back to dressing as a candlestick in Disney on Ice. Don't make me go back to dressing as a candlestick

in Disney on Ice. The guy who plays the animate clock Always gets so handsy in the green room Step aside, my dear This man is dangerous He needs to be dealt with accordingly Because his efforts at terror

Could even rival the devil Shoveling gobbles or revels You know I watched him eat several In the stalls, in the circle, in the boxes as well What he's done here is evil on so many levels. There's only one way to settle this. For two pleasant musical theatre attending gentlemen, let this be the end of it. Take this, and this, and this, and this.

Is that enough cash to buy one of the rebels, please? No. The confectionery is mine. Why not try dining on wine gums or maybe some pine nuts? Besides, as an expert of theatre, these are rightfully mine. I'm the OG designer. An expert in theatre? How could I not have guessed?

All this effort you've put into your dress sense, and yes, your half-mask disguise is quite clever, but I'd recognise you anywhere, Mr Lloyd Webber. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, David Eagle, Jessica Foster-Hugh, Jason Forbes and Lola Rose Maxwell. The song was written and performed by Archie Henderson, featuring Becky CJ. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Alex Garrick-Wright, Jade Geby, Rhiannon Shaw, Miranda Holmes and Cody Darla.

The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I want to tell you about my podcast from BBC Radio 4. It's called Fed and it's with me, Chris Van Telleken. It's about one of the most important things that we all do every single day. It's about what we eat. And I'm taking a close look at one food in particular, the most commonly consumed meat in the world.

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