Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 20th March 2020 - ft Rosie Jones, Andy Zaltzman and Gemma Arrowsmith

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical sketches and chat, we don't have an audience but we do have stand-ups Rosie Jones and Andy Zaltzman (who will probably sit down for this one) and Gemma Arrowsmith. Caution: May contain humorous content about the Coronavirus.Written by the cast, with additional material from Gareth Gwynn, Katie Storey, Charlie Dinkin and Mo Omar.Producer: Julia McKenzieA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. And with us are Rosie Jones, Andy Zaltzman and Gemma Arrowsmith. And this is... The Now Show! There's no audience.

The Now Show. Better. Hurrah! So, Rosie, Andy and Gemma, welcome to the show without any audience this week. Now, we could, of course, have opted for canned laughter, but it's impossible to get hold of anything canned at the moment. That was where we could have put it. Yeah, that is where we could have put it, but not a chance, because ITV started stockpiling it at the end of February.

There are no cans of laughter, packets of laughter. There was a small sachet of freeze-dried chuckles, but they expired last November. We did look online. We did. We found some microwavable titters, but they couldn't deliver till next Wednesday. So to bring you the most up-to-the-minute,

finger-on-the-button British entertainment experience we are broadcasting from an empty auditorium. Well, they are. I'm actually at home in my study. Are you actually in the study or are you in your bedroom, as is traditional? I mean, well, it is a bedroom, but it serves as a study. How have you found, how are you getting on in this weird world?

Rosie, what about you? It's all right. I got the tube in and I had a whole carriage to myself. That's very regal. Yeah. Did you get the tube in? I did, yes. Yes, plenty of distance there and this is good. I think we've been getting too touchy-feely as a nation for a long time.

Getting back to British basics. How about you, Gemma? Well, by my local tube station, there is a chemist that is selling hand sanitiser for £25.99. No! That's the small size, right? Yeah. So it really hasn't been a great week, has it,

for all sorts of reasons. But here we are, and we carry on. Cinemas and concert halls have closed, and in the nation's theatres, the play that goes wrong is now on in all of reasons. But here we are, and we carry on. Cinemas and concert halls have closed, and in the nation's theatres, the play that goes wrong is now on in all of them. And the closure of entertainment venues and pubs and restaurants is a shame, though, because they're all places you can nick the toilet paper. But we're carrying on. We're here with some essential modifications to the show, which I'm sure that you will understand. Yes. So, for example, all radio studios have what they call a cough button, which can shut the microphone off if a presenter coughs.

Now, we've had ours modified in order to leave the microphone and shut the presenter off instead, preferably into a sealed room next door, or in my case, my bedroom. We thought about doing the show from the old BBC nuclear bunker, which is rumoured to be down in the basement of Broadcasting House somewhere, but apparently it's not been used for a while and so is now let out as an Airbnb. What we did find, though, was the tapes made over the years

to be broadcast in emergencies, and this is a fascinating collection. There's a whole archive down there. There's this one. Go quickly and quietly to the nearest shelter. Fill baths and sinks with clean water. Further information is available on CFAX. That was from 1983 at the height of the Cold War. Then there's this one. Do not panic. Do not try and travel except in an emergency. That one was from the fuel crisis in 2000. And then there's this one. You may get no

warning. You and your family should keep away from windows and take shelter under a table. That's from last October on how to avoid trick-or-treaters. There's a few there that are truly historic. This one is from 1941 and it shows just how little really changes. I urge you to be steadfast, patient and resolute. The task is long, the hardship great, but eventually, if we have courage,

if we are unwavering in our effort, we will, in the end, find a packet of spaghetti in a corner shop somewhere. We do also have the entire BBC sound effects catalogue at our disposal. An amazing archive of audio covering any setting you care to name. This, for example, is Pub Interior. We could have used

the canned laughter there as well, to be honest. This is called Restaurant Lunchtime. And this one is called Inside the Head of Someone Isolating for Four Weeks. I would be like that after about an hour, I think.

I think that was Boris Johnson's internal monologue. There's more. This is a controversial one. This is called School in England. Scotland and Wales were different, though. The Welsh were the first to close schools. Their Education Minister, Kirsty Williams, is the sole Liberal Democrat in the Welsh Government, so very familiar with self-isolation.

So, basically, we're all in this together at least two metres apart. Now, we are, of course, not the only programme who have had to make changes. Coming up on Radio 4, at midday, Moneybox has been retitled and is now called Contactless Only. And at 7.15pm, Samira Ahmed presents Empty Front Row. Samira Montague did World at One from her kitchen. Matt Baker did The One Show from his front room. And Holby City and Casualty were both cancelled, so all the beds on the set could be wheeled off to real hospitals. EastEnders also had to stop filming

even though it was well ahead of the game in its use of the phrase Get out my pub! Glastonbury has been cancelled. If it's any comfort to ticket holders two of the headliners were Paul McCartney and Diana Ross both of whom are of an age where under government rules they'd probably have to perform over Skype from their living rooms anyway.

And then Matt Baker can introduce them. It's affecting sport, of course. The Grand National is off. The European Football Championships have been postponed for a year. The Olympics are apparently still on, as we speak, although it seems they have redesigned the flag so the rings aren't touching anymore. Yes. And the virus is even affecting the royal

family right to the top. The Queen has cancelled her summer garden parties at Buckingham Palace and people have been socially distancing Prince Andrew since last December and his meeting with Emily Maiglis. But it's not just here of course. The virus is affecting the whole world. The favourite thing I read this week was that Al-Naba, the official newsletter of isis it's amazing they have a newsletter and it's published the directive telling isis terrorists not to come to europe at the moment and if they're in europe and they have symptoms they're advised not to go home because yeah you wouldn't want terrorists being a risk to other people would you no it also told to wash their hands regularly and presumably right not to sing the national anthem while

they're doing it but not our one anyway. In France the government asked people to practice social distancing and not go to cafes or restaurants. The Italians are also on lockdown and some of them have responded by singing loudly from their balconies in a very moving and uplifting video that went viral this week. In fact the international responses tell you a lot about different cultures. So the Italians are singing, the international responses tell you a lot about different cultures. So the Italians are singing, the British are panic-buying hand wipes and soap, and the Americans are panic-buying assault rifles and pump-action shotguns.

It's true, apparently. We're saying... I must get more toilet paper. The Americans are saying... Ain't no-one going to take my toilet paper! Which is not to say, of course, that stockpiling is not a genuine problem, especially for the elderly. And rightly, the shops are taking action. Yeah, Sainsbury's and Asda have both said they'll stop shoppers

buying more than three of any particular food item, which is going to make it difficult for anyone who likes grapes. Or peanuts. Or peanuts, yeah. Or couscous. You have a feeling that everybody at home for months on end... Granola? Oh, no, that doesn't quite work.

They're different in granola. You have a feeling that having everybody at home for months on end is going to have long-term consequences. For a start, a lot of DIY is going to get done. So just as the NHS faces increased demand to cope with the virus, it's also going to have to cope with increased demand from over-ambitious DIY part-timers attempting major projects without the proper equipment.

Tell the doctor we have three more suspected COVID-19 cases arriving, plus a bloke who thought he could drill into a wall using a kebab skewer tied to an electric whisk. Anything else? Yes, all the beds have arrived from Holby City. And that was where the candle after was going to go as well. I'd like to dedicate that joke to all the health service workers who would be listening if they weren't all doing extended shifts.

Now, everybody is seeing this crisis we are living through from different perspectives. Andy, I imagine from your other job, you know, on Radio 5 Live, that you are seeing this in terms of it being a world devoid of sport. How are you coping with that? Fine. I'm coping with it absolutely fine. I can live without sport easily. Who am I kidding? You're right. It's been tough. It's been awful. I mean, I've had to think about things that I've spent the entirety of my adult life trying not to think about.

Like what? Reality. That kind of stuff. Andy, you have claimed in the past to be renowned as a source of unarguable truth. Yeah, that is exactly what I am. That's correct. So do you have any definitive answers about coronavirus? Yes, I absolutely do definitely have definitive answers. But if we want the right answers when we cross-examine our inner souls, we need to ask the right questions.

Now, to assist me to do that, I've enlisted the help of the wonks in the BBC Science Department. They've managed to develop this high-tech machine. A mass introspectrometer, which analyses the introspective thoughts and feelings of everyone in the country and converts them into the questions we all secretly want answering. I would say that's a very good use of the licence fee. Right, now, as I said, I have the answers to everything I've been reading up,

so let's have the first of this nation's questions via the mass introspectrometer, and this will be the question that the people of this country want answered first, most of all, before any others in the midst of this crisis. country want answered first, most of all, before any others in the midst of this crisis. Andy, question. How did this planet cope for five billion years without toilet paper? I don't know that, actually. I don't think anyone knows that. I mean, perhaps we actually need to reassess our entire theory of evolution. Perhaps the real reason why the fishies climbed out of the sea in the first place was some kind of primeval instinctive Darwinian search

for bog roll. Were the dinosaurs wiped out, not by the asteroid, but by the subsequent post-impactual chaos which sparked a shortage of what the French call le papier butoquien? Did Alexander the Great hotfoot it towards India because he'd heard that there was a branch of Aldi open on the outskirts of Jaipur which had some nice double-quilted

butter blocker in stock. We just don't know. But we have at least found out, as the old saying goes, an Englishman's home is his castle, and castles need a hell of a lot of toilet paper. Andy, question. What does the word unnecessary actually mean? Ah, right, I'm struggling a bit on this one as well. I think I used to know, but I'm not sure anymore after the government told us

to avoid unnecessary human contact and unnecessary journeys. But the problem is, one person's necessity is another person's what? You just spent £995 on a life-size Lego model of Michael Gove just so you could throw it into a quarry and see if it would fly? Well, I needed to know.

They've told us not to go to bars and restaurants but the good news for the bars and restaurants is they've said hey you guys can stay open it's no big deal apart from your total lack of customers otherwise business as usual stop crying just imagine your customers serve them their food and then complain about people today when those imaginary customers don't eat that food and then leave without paying why did it take a global crisis like this to unleash previously unseen corporate and governmental compassion uh Coming up, Snake Eyes on this as well. A lot of these questions arising in this crisis really have no satisfactory answer. It does seem a bit crass

with hindsight, doesn't it? I mean, that is not a question with a happy answer for everyone. Can we move on? Has it been a good idea to allow so much of the wealth created by the miraculous witchcraft of full-blown capitalism to dissipate into the economic ether and operate our entire societies, health systems and economies with such wafer-thin contingencies so that when we needed to call on that wealth, it was not there? Shut up. Bloody technology. You cannot trust it. Look, we've chosen to live in a world of debt, or to give it its formal economic name, homeopathic money, so we can just whack a bit more on the tab that future generations have very generously, preemptively agreed to settle up for us. And sure, we could have learned from history about the dangers of short-termism,

but if there is one lesson we have ever truly learned from history, it is that the chances are we will not learn our lessons from history. What if the school closures work too well? Maybe kids don't need education. Ka-ching, ka-ching. Get the little bastards back up the chimneys. Shut the schools. Build HS2, 3, 4 and 5 all at once instead. I think it's malfunctioning. Andy, if I get ill, can I sue someone? Maybe women in general, because Pandora from the ancient Greek myth started all this disease nonsense.

I really need to switch this thing off. Andy, I blame the vegans. If it wasn't for them, we could have just sacrificed a load of oxen to Zeus and we'll have all been fine. Sorry about that. Andy, Andy. Sorry about that. It does need just a little bit more fine-tuning.

But the promise is there. So have any of you got any further questions? So one final question. Bear in mind you haven't known any of the answers at all yet. Good point, yep. Is it possible to live in a world without sport? No, definitely not. Things are getting so serious that even the President of the United States

appears to have finally realised it. On January 22nd, Donald Trump was asked if he was worried about the prospect of a pandemic, and he said... Not at all, no. We have it totally under control. It's just one person coming in from China, and we have it under control, under control. February 27th, he said... It's going to disappear. One day, like a miracle, it will disappear. Then this week, he said... I knew it was a pandemic. I knew it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic. He didn't know vaccines needed testing before being handed out to millions

of people, but he knew it was a pandemic. So how did he know that? You knew that just by looking at other countries. Yep, that's pretty much what a pandemic is. You look at other countries. Playing it down, though, in the way that he did for two months has had a real effect in the United States. Yeah, I saw a report from Florida where students are currently on spring break. The beaches are still packed and they interviewed a guy sunbathing who said, well, it's all sand. There's not a lot to touch, like door handles and stuff. But there's sand. I don't know what he was a student of. Advanced epidemiology, I reckon. On this side of the Atlantic,

the crisis has finally given Boris Johnson exactly what he got into politics for. His own TV show. Yes, he is doing nightly broadcasts while the whole nation is stuck at home. It's perfect for him. For years they've been saying that modern TV doesn't have those shared viewing experiences anymore.

Those occasions where the whole nation gathers to watch the same thing and talk about it the next day. But now, to that familiar list of Royal Weddings, Walkman Wise, Olympic Finals and EastEnders Christmas specials, we can add a new show, Boris and the PowerPoint Twins. Where two senior scientificers and their pointless friend stand at podiums and say things that newspapers and Twitter users say they should have said the day before. On Monday they said people should stop going to pubs, clubs and theatres and everyone said...

The way he phrased it left those industries unable to claim on insurance. On Tuesday it was made clear they could claim on insurance and those with mortgages could ask for a payment holiday and everyone said... What about ren renters will they get similar help on wednesday boris johnson just replaced the podium with a suggestion box and a pen on a piece of string and some hand sanitizer after you've used it yeah obviously the hand sanitizer wasn't on a piece of string it was on a solid iron chain instead the show though is full of memorable moments. Tuesday's edition started with Boris reminding us that he's a man of the people and specifically the Italian people.

I've used the Italian health system. It is excellent. Which bit is used? We're not sure. We're presuming it is the maternity unit. He then went on to remind us why we're not shaking hands. That's why we announced the steps yesterday that we did, advising against all unnecessary contact, steps that are unprecedented since World War II. To be clear, the advice or plan at the start of World War II was indeed to avoid all unnecessary contact and then Chamberlain resigned. The Prime Minister also told us what we need to beat the virus. Ultimately, to beat this crisis, we will need a combination of better science, technology, medicine, data, government. Better government and also better everything else. Seems fair enough, doesn't it?

Seems like a fine combination to me. Meanwhile, one of the PowerPoint twins, Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Vallance, said that even on Mother's Day, the over-70s should avoid Sunday lunch with their families. And a strange sound was heard as he said it. It was the sound of suns all over the country breathing a sigh of relief as they'd totally forgotten Mother's Day was this weekend anyway. The biggest problem for senior citizens, though, has been the government because after three general election campaigns in five years, the Conservatives have found it really hard to remember that now they want the over-70s to stay at home.

Of course, many under-70s will be at home too, and from Monday, children as well. So the whole nation is looking for stuff to do and sales of box sets, thousand-page novels, multi-level games and albums called Now That's What I Call an Opera Cycle will soar. Plus, stuck indoors indoors how do you stay fit which is an interesting question so this week in one of those unlikely conjunctions that

can be thrown up by a major crisis justin webb on the today program interviewed celebrity fitness guru mr motivator is he on the line yes he is on the line good morning to you morning to you now we're assuming mr motivator turned up at the studio in day-glow lycra, by the way. Just feeds the imagination. He was full of suggestions as to how the housebound could exercise. Set your alarm clock to literally go off every 45 minutes to remind you to move and to check your posture. The same advice they give members of the House of Lords.

So there was Mr Motivator doing his best to help us all survive a global pandemic, encouraging us by example. Is it true that you also do a press-up for every year of your age every day? Every single day I do that. Well, that's a good guideline again there. It's tough if you're David

Attenborough, but, you know, it's a good plan. Anyway, there he is, trying to be public spirited on a serious current affairs show. And the last question is... When were you last on the telly? I was trying to think. It was the 90s, wasn't it? It was uncalled for, wasn't it? I mean, give it a few weeks, Justin. He might be the only person left healthy enough to present the Today programme.

I think it's a terrible question. When were you last on telly, Steve? Oh, very funny. So, how's everybody getting on with not leaving the house? Are you a natural home bird, Andy? Yes. Basically, it's just my normal existence, other than the rest of my family will now be in the house as well. So it's minimal change,

and I'm just basically going to be hammering sports videos on YouTube for the foreseeable future. But it's just stuff you've seen before, stuff you know really well. Yeah, I think if I whack myself on the head with a frying pan, I might forget the results of some of these old matches and I'll be like watching them for the first time again. It's going to be awesome. Rosie, what about you? I hate it. I really hate it. I hate it. I really hate it. I am an annoying extrovert who loves touching people.

Difficult. Yeah. And how are you finding it as a disabled person? How's that happening? and how are you finding it as a disabled person how's that happening well as a self-elected head of the disabled literally no one voted for that but if you've got a problem with that come and find me or you can't you're quarantined and I've got cerebral palsy

so GoPro doesn't really affect Rojo apart from when we got told to sing happy birthday whilst washing our hands twice and I just want to wash my hands. But just because my disability doesn't affect my immune system, I still feel quite vulnerable. Firstly, I've got mobility problems.

So when I'm out and Secondly, I got fine motor skills so difficult to cook and if I am truly isolated I don't know what I can cook like jam hula hoops I mean, it'll be a dark time. After we've done this, I'm getting on the train to Yorkshire to stay with my mum and dad. And as a 30-year-old woman who's always been so independent. That isn't what I want to be doing. But my dad makes a cracking beef stroganoff. So that's a bonus. Cracking beef stroganoff. That's a bonus.

But you will also be delighted this week because Tom Hanks is better, isn't he? Oh, my God. Thomas Jeffrey Hanks is my hero. And when he got the coronavirus, I was devastated. But he's all right now, isn't he? Yeah. When they got released from hospital on Wednesday, he thanked the staff in Australia

with a picture of toast smaller than Vegemite. And they sparked a fury on social media about the right amount of Vegemite on a piece of toast. And what is the correct amount of Vegemite? Well, obviously it is absolutely none. Throw it in the bin. It is revolting. I like Vegemite.

Do you like Vegemite? I really like Vegemite. Vegemite is a kind of substance that can survive multiple nuclear holocausts. Yeah, because it is tough. That's why it's the favourite food of cockroaches. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm stockpiling Vegemite for my great-great-great-grandchildren.

Because it doesn't have a... It will never go off. It will never go off. That's a reason for that. Now, we haven't got an audience, so we can't do an audience question, but we have got an audience at home. Hopefully, we can never prove that, of course.

But we hope they're there. Yes, we thought we would try and prove it because we asked on Twitter what was the most comforting thing that you have seen this week. Yeah, we've got one on Hattie SC who says, the way there is no virus in Ambridge. He hasn't got that. Yes. He simply hasn't got that because the pubs,

nobody's been going to the pub so they're all fine, aren't they? I have one. Montreith Yano says, I saw a woman buying a Star Wars action figure, a Barbie and 20 cans of iced coffee

so I'm taking comfort in the fact that I don't have children. This one I love. A grown man giggling to himself in the empty bread aisle. Beth Newton.

Why Gath Goch said, I re-watched Threads for some light relief. Brilliant. I got this from Lyrical Owl on Twitter, who found this comforting. That statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by an asteroid than by lightning. Is that right? Is that true? I don't know. It's the kind of stuff you know. No, but the thing with it, as soon as you put statistically speaking,

it means that it can be both true and false simultaneously. Yeah, that's true. Like a Schrodinger's fact. That is true. Anthony Hopkins playing the piano for his cat, but it is a bit creepy too. Have you seen that? What does he do then?

And then does he eat the cat? He doesn't. Realising we're out of milk, but remembering we have unweaned foals. Only on Radio 4. I like this one. It's the thing that's cheered you up this week. The thought that in nine months' time,

the most popular child's name in Britain will be quarantine. Thank you very much to everyone who has put those up on Twitter. We will have another question up next week. Watch out for that. And if you've got anything that you spot or read or wish to send us, then do communicate to thenowshow at bbc.co.uk. Thank you very much indeed for listening and goodbye. Goodbye.

You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punk, Hugh Dennis, Rosie Jones, Andy Saltzman and Gemma Arrowsmith. It was written by the cast with additional material from Gareth Gwynne, Casey Storey, Charlie Dinkin and Mo Omar. The producer was Julia McKenzie and it was a BBC Studios production.