Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 21st April

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Andrew Doyle, Laura Smith, Daniel Barker, Kiara Goldsmith and Jaz Emu. And this is... The Knowles Show! Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed. So, this week, the Prime Minister told us we should all be better at maths because the United Kingdom is ranked only 19th in the world for numeracy. And we may be harming the economy by being stuck there between 21st and 24th. They should be aiming to move up to 25th at least.

It was pretty uncompromising stuff. The PM said... Adults who can't do basic maths should be embarrassed. Now, two things. One, you'd never say that about adults who can't read. And secondly, is this really the time to be having a go at Liz Truss? He has also claimed that Britain has... A cultural sense that it's OK to be bad at maths.

Yes, although two years ago, arts education spending was cut by up to 50% with the money reallocated to STEM subjects, so there's also a cultural sense that it's fine to be bad at music, drama, English, languages and art. It's also worth remembering that although the UK does well on reading skills, there are plenty of places with a higher literacy rate, including Uzbekistan, Andorra, Finland and Balamori.

The problem with maths is that it's hard, containing tricky concepts like negative integers or imaginary numbers. As Wikipedia says... An imaginary number is a real number multiplied by the imaginary unit i, which is defined by its property I squared equals minus one. Weird, isn't it? But imaginary numbers have various mathematical uses,

mainly in calculating SNP membership figures. And this week it emerged that the party had also bought what the Telegraph called a... Luxury camper van. A luxury camper van for campaigning purposes, rather than having to rely on all those high-priced hotels night after night, they thought they'd go for independence. Labour's grasp of maths isn't that strong either.

They're currently struggling to understand negative numbers, which Wikipedia defines as... Of course, maybe the recent decline in maths ability is simply because of technological progress. A whole generation still find it funny that when they were at school, teachers used to say... When you're an adult, you won't go around with a calculator in your pocket. No, we actually have a handheld computer in our pocket.

So advanced, you won't even need to type in 5318008 and turn it upside down... LAUGHTER ..to make it show you boobies. Now you can just Google types of seabird and a whole host of boobies come in. And needless to say, this policy was announced without anyone solving the basic maths problem.

If a government wants all schoolchildren to study maths to 18, calculate, A, how many extra teachers will they need, and, B, how will they pay for them? Show you're working. No answer to that one yet. Of course, thanks to maths, we now have AI so sophisticated it's going to take all our jobs anyway. So maybe maths in future can be taught by some sort of intelligent robot.

Come with me if you want to learn algebra. A cybernetic android teacher for every classroom. That will raise maths standards. Two numbers 1 to 15 while I am out of the room. I'll be back. Now, of course maths is important but there's a big flaw in Sunak's argument

just because someone doesn't like maths doesn't make them anti-maths in the same way that not liking olives and salami doesn't make you anti-pasty Oh, come on, in my experience only going to Gregg's makes you anti-pasty In his attempts to enthuse young people for maths Oh, come on. In my experience, only going to Greg's makes you anti-pasty. In his attempts to enthuse young people for maths,

Rishi Sunak is putting together a maths advisory group. He's still in the process of assembling his crack team, but so far he's added the CBeebies number blocks, Carol Vorderman and the Count from Sesame Street. But is Sunak right? Would we all benefit from being better at maths? The world, the modern world, is built on maths. All technology depends on it. Elon Musk, for example, might benefit.

His calculations were clearly a bit out when yet another of his rockets failed to launch into space. The definition of failing upwards. Plus, geometry would have come in useful at the World Snooker this week to calculate the precise angle to stop the protester from Just Stop Oil climbing onto the table and covering everything in orangey-yellow powder. Nobody was sure what the powder was, but these protesters do have a track record of using foodstuffs and it did look suspiciously like turmeric,

leading police to suspect that more activists may have been waiting in the wings with cumin, coriander seeds and cloves, all belonging to the protest group Just Add Oil. Now, the objective was to grab attention and raise awareness. Which has definitely worked, because now everyone knows that the World Snooker Championship is currently happening. World snooker organisers criticised the action, which is odd, given their sponsorship record.

36 years encouraging people to smoke, 16 years encouraging people to gamble. Suddenly it's the protesters who are irresponsible. But it wasn't the only sporting event interrupted. No, protesters also delayed the Grand National, which, incidentally, is a very good example of how useful maths is. The Grand National winner receives over half a million pounds, which, with the current price of oats,

has been calculated to keep the horse fed for up to a fortnight. So, I don't know, maybe Rishi Sunak is right. I mean, he certainly seems heartfelt, so desperate for young people to love maths, that I wouldn't be surprised if he broke into freestyle rap on why sums are cool. This is GC.C. Rish E. Bite size. It probably would be about that good.

Thank you all. So, exploring the personalities of our politicians today, please welcome Andrew Doyle. APPLAUSE Thank you very much. So, I've increasingly come to realise that our next general election is going to be really, really boring. And why? Because it's Rishi Sunak versus Keir Starmer.

That's hardly Clash of the Titans, is it? They're the political equivalent of rice cakes. The difference between Sunak and Starmer is rather like the difference between a sponge and a slightly wetter sponge. Which does raise the question, why can't we have more exciting politicians? We need more drama.

Like, if you remember New Labour, New Labour was much more entertaining because we had actual warmongers and villains. We had Tony Blair, a man with more blood on his hands than a twice convicted Saudi shoplifter. But Sunak and Starmer are so boring that they actually make me nostalgic for Theresa May. At least she had something about her. You remember when Theresa May claimed that the most wicked thing she'd ever done was to run through a field of wheat? Of course, what she wasn't telling you there

is the reason why she was running is she had to get back to her coffin before sunrise. Even Liz Truss had her moments. I mean, that mini-budget, that was quite wild, wasn't it? That was straight out of the Diane Abbott School of Economic Theory. And I actually feel sorry for Liz Truss. Apparently, leading a country is really hard. You know, when Jacinda Ardern stepped down as Prime Minister of New Zealand,

she said it was because being in Parliament is exhausting. And that did really surprise me, because I didn't realise New Zealand had its own Parliament. I thought it was just a timeshare for rich Australians. Now, the prospect of Keir Starmer as Prime Minister does worry me, though, because his speeches are insufferable. You know, I would say they're like watching paint dry, but I'll probably get sued for defamation by Dulux.

It just goes to show that to reach the top in politics, you don't need charisma, you just need to be posh. Sunak and Starmer, and Ed Davey for that matter, they're all private schoolboys. They've been instilled with confidence at every stage of their lives. I went to a comprehensive, I didn't have that. I remember when I said to my UCAS advisor that I wanted to apply to Oxford University,

he laughed so hard hard he actually died. I mean, it was a few years later from thrombosis, but I like to think it was connected, you know, because he did laugh a lot. American politics, so much more compelling than ours, they've actually got a president who can barely speak. Biden in charge is a bit scary from an international security perspective. I mean, I doubt he would ever actually push the nuclear button, but he might well slump onto it. He's just come back from Ireland, of course, where he took a selfie with Gerry Adams, a highly divisive figure.

I mean, he's not on the pulse, is he? Well, he's barely got one. Mind you, to be fair, Ireland has changed an awful lot since Joe Biden's first visit. That's due to plate tectonics. It's no longer connected to Europe. But I come back to this point. At least American politics is interesting. In England, the big controversy this week is that Rishi Sunak might have failed to declare his wife's shares in a childminding company. Of course, he knows quite a lot about childminding. He worked for years with Boris Johnson.

But still, it's hardly Watergate, is it? Up in Scotland, you've got the police digging up Nicola Sturgeon's garden. Over in the US, the former president faces potential jail time for paying hush money to a porn star. Meanwhile, Rishi Sunak gets a 50 quid fine for not wearing a seatbelt. He's the kind of person who won't even pay hush money to a traffic warden. belt. He's the kind of person who won't even pay hush money to a traffic warden. And I do think this problem is specifically English. Like, you know, in Northern Ireland, politics, much more exciting. You know, the DUP, they've still got plenty of their fire and brimstone types, like Ian Paisley Jr., who's the MP for North Antrim. I'm a huge fan. I absolutely love Ian Paisley Jr. He once said that homosexuality was immoral, offensive and obnoxious. Well, only if you're doing it right. And I should say, I'm a gay man, by the way. People always

assume I'm straight because I drink beer and I've got my own spirit level. But actually, I am gay and I do have a soft spot for homophobes. Are there any homophobes in tonight? No, I didn't think so. And by the way, I am a free speech absolutist, right, so I have no problem with Ian Paisley Jr. saying I'm going to go to hell. Believe me, if I'm having sex with another man, the last thing I'm going to be worried about is whether or not I've got the approval of Ian Paisley Jr. Unless I'm having sex with Ian Paisley Jr.

In which case, that is a legitimate concern, isn't it? The truth is that Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak, they're just not natural leaders. They don't inspire confidence. Whenever I see Rishi, I don't think confident leader. I just think, I never knew mother care did suits. And it annoys me that he's even Prime Minister. If I wanted to be led by dull, unelected corporate drones, I'd have voted to stay in the EU. Oh, that's a bit of tension there. I know, some people still think that's a contentious view. Even now, admitting to voting Brexit can get you in trouble.

It's a bit like trying to spend a Scottish £10 note in an English shop. I mean, you are entitled to do that, but there's going to be a row, isn't there? So, Sunak versus Starmer. That's about as interesting as it gets, is it? And I know we're all worried about the rise of AI, but let's face it, the robots have already taken over. Thank you very much indeed. Andrew Dorwer. Andrew Dorwer. So, as the nation prepares for the coronation, the official dish was announced this week as Coronation Quiche,

which contains broad beans, spinach and tarragon, Camilla's favourite character from The Lord of the Rings. Now, there is a vegan alternative, which is a bowl of broad beans, spinach and tarragon. It's been so long since the last new monarch that this tradition has largely been forgotten, and apparently lots of people have only just realised where Coronation Chicken got its name. Many having wrongly assumed it was just the Daily Mail's headline

when they heard that Meghan wasn't going to be in the Abbey. Now, Coronation Chicken was, of course, the official dish of 1953, and in fact, most dishes for a new monarch have involved chicken. Queen Victoria had coronation capon. George VI had 15 fricassee coronation, or KFC, as it quickly became known. With just over two weeks to go, it's clear that the ceremony is going to be greatly scaled back

from 70 years ago, although not as scaled back as the eco-conscious Charles had originally wanted. So, Camilla, have you clicked the link? Yes, look at the screen. Ah, yes, the coronation is in progress. The host knows you're waiting. The Archbishop will let you in soon. But in addition to looking back to the last coronation,

you can't help but think ahead. Where will Britain be by the time of the next one? What will the world look like by the time William becomes king? Now, some things I think we can guess. Here in London, crowds have flocked from all round the world to line the streets in the hope of catching a fleeting glimpse of Phil and Holly nipping into the Abbey ahead of everyone else. Others are harder to predict.

King William's Coronation will be streamed live, but by then, each royal will have a different deal with a different broadcaster. Harry's got a deal with Netflix. Prince George will be on Disney+. Charlotte is live-streaming herself on Twitch. Andrew is on Court TV. Oh, and Amazon Prime, of course, has been banned since 2023, when then-PM Rishi Sunak

was furious to find out that it was not, as he thought, a channel entirely dedicated to numbers divisible only by themselves and one. Meanwhile, Britain's one remaining cinema has Vin Diesel starring in Fast and Furious 46, under his new name, Vin Hybrid. A name which, incidentally, doesn't help him avoid a fine in London's new ultra, ultra low-emission zone, which now extends to Sheffield. By this time, the solar system has been colonised by billionaires.

Elon Musk has a base on Mars, which is anxiously awaiting the moment its supply rocket can finally take off from the earth without blowing up. Jeff Bezos owns the moon with a crater on the dark side supposedly full of all the Amazon parcels never delivered. Jupiter, a giant ball of gas with no solid substance, owned by crypto companies. And it's been generally a difficult year so far. After the authorities cut research funding and dismantled all COVID-related public services,

the country is once again recovering from lockdown following a new pandemic. Panic buying isn't so much of a problem, though, as many older people are still working through their COVID-19 toilet paper reserves. There is, however, some good news. The junior doctors' strike is finally over, as the last of the junior doctors has now retired.

The next coronation will, like this one, take place two days after local elections. Yes, of course, by now, everyone turning up at the polling station must produce not just photo ID and a passport, but also a John Lewis card, a National Trust membership card, a guarantee slip for a sit-on mower, a sourdough loaf from Gales, membership documents for a recognised wine club,

a receipt from the local garden centre and a maths A-level certificate at grade B or above. But generally, the next coronation will not be so different to this one. There'll still be a glimmer of national unity. Everyone will enjoy a bank holiday. The news will be full of headlines and the Sunday

Express will carry a full page ad for a hand-painted souvenir mug. Commemorating Meghan not turning up to the last coronation. Thank you very much. And now, looking at how she's personally navigating the ongoing strikes, would you please welcome back Laura Smith. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm finding it quite hard to keep up with all the strikes. Junior doctors, nurses, teachers, driver and instructors, passport office. The strikes are reaching far and wide. You couldn't write it. I mean, you literally couldn't write it. The Hollywood Writers' Union, the Writers Guild of America, has agreed with a 97.9% majority to take strike action. The last time this happened was in 2007,

and Daniel Craig has said it severely impacted the quality of Quantum of Solace. You're all right, Daniel. This could start a helpful trend, though, couldn't it, really, for all Hollywood stars to blame their big flops on previous strike action. You know, Nicolas Cage could try to blame his Wicker Man remake on it,

the remake of Miami Vice, Basic Instinct 2. I mean, these all came out in 2006, but you'd try your luck, wouldn't you? I mean, I back all the strikes. Of course I do. I'm working class. My grandfather was a trade unionist. I've stood with all of them, the nurses, the doctors, the ambulance drivers, the train drivers, the posties, the teachers.

I mean, the Border Force strike almost affected my second ski trip at the end of last year, but, you know, don't let it be said I forgot on my roots. I mean, yeah, I did support getting the army involved, but I didn't realise they meant to do the job. I thought they meant mow them down in their tanks. Too right. That apres-ski Jägermeister weren't going to drink itself, was it?

But it seems I'm not the only one that went on holiday. Rob Lawrenson, co-chairman of the British Medical Association's Junior Doctors Committee, has been accused of abandoning his colleagues as they went on strike last week because he went off on holiday for a friend's wedding. But that deserves every sympathy. I think we need to go on strike about this.

Friendship strikes. Our demands will be simple. No destination weddings. No gender reveal parties. No bottomless brunches. And all contracts will be terminated if you refer to your kid as mini-me on social media. I was a teacher for ten years and was well aware of how any union action was treated,

painting us as greedy, privileged and work-shy. I myself was not really cut out for how sensible you had to be as a teacher. It was all, stop running down the corridor, spit out your chewing gum, stop selling contraband in the playground. And I was like, you can't talk to me like that. But doctors and nurses and all nhs staff are there for us when we really need them so we're more likely to support them i've experienced firsthand the miracles these brilliant men and women are performing under such difficult conditions

at the end of 2021 i was diagnosed with breast cancer i tried to stay upbeat throughout my surgeries and treatment and look for the positives and one thought kept me going despite the mastectomy and the lymph node clearance and my ovaries removed and losing all my hair through chemo and all the radiotherapy I comforted myself thinking well you know thank god I'm not American listen that's nothing to do with the NHS just the obesity and literacy levels. Oh, I'm joking, I'm joking. I am obese. But this is my new plan to support junior doctors

in the NHS. I'm going to get fit. Now people seem to really spin out when you tell them you want to get fit. They think you're not body positive, which is basically a crime these days. And the thing is, I am body positive. I really am. I look in the mirror and I love myself. I love what looks back at me. And then I see a photo and I think, who the thing is I am body positive I really am I look in the mirror and I love myself I love what looks back at me and then I see a photo and I think who the hell is that

and also food addiction is real is it not and we don't treat it like other addictions my friends and family don't get together and start shaking their heads and tutting and saying have you heard have you heard about Laura? She's back on the pasta. And listen, I'm not being glib. I don't want you to think I'm being glib about cancer. It was really tough getting my diagnosis. It knocked me for six like a freight train. I said to my doctor, well, why doctor?

Why me? The doctor said, well, you know, these things are just genetic, he says. Luck of the draw. But there are lifestyle factors. I said, like what? He says, well, you know, you know being overweight poor diet lack of exercise smoking drinking stress the doctor said it was the only time he'd ever had anyone in his office shout bingo I cried my eyes out I did I went out and called my husband he said what'd they say

babes I said yeah they said it's just genetic just like on a drawer I suppose the only thing I've really learned about all these strikes is that really we're selfish we only care about the things that affect our lives personally like for me if the factory that made onion rings went on strike I'd lose my mind but you know I don't care about the Hollywood strikes now but in a couple of years when the films affected by the strikes come out, I'll care. Just loads of Hollywood actors improv-ing films called Yes And. We're all self-serving. I value the NHS, cos it saved my life.

I value the trains, cos I don't drive. I backed the teacher strikes when I was a teacher, but now I'm self-employed and a mum, and teacher strike means there are days when I'm going to have to actually look after my own children, which is like gross. So maybe the next strike should be like Mothers United.

We just all go on holidays. So, you know, passport office and border force, all is forgiven. Thank you. That was Laura Smith. So, as we've heard, the recipe for the official Coronation quiche was unveiled this week, but, of course, many of us have come up with a dish out of necessity

or alcohol or desperation. So we've asked our audience, have you ever invented a recipe and what was it? Yes. When I worked for the SNP, I cooked the books. That's more satirical than anything we've done tonight. Have you ever accidentally or on purpose invented a recipe? What was it? No.

I follow all recipes. I attempt to the letter and they always turn out great every time. Your name? Anal measurer. Have you ever invented a recipe? Yes, a Boris Johnson souffle. It was overpriced, full of hot air, and collapsed when hidden in a fridge.

Have you ever accidentally or on purpose invented a recipe? What was it? Well, a combination of unmarked Tupperware and Covid smell loss led to a family dinner I've never been allowed to forget. Dog food bolognese. So, there you go. Thank you very much for those.

We'll be passing those on to the appropriate authorities. Yeah, and that's it from us, pretty much. Now, to end the show, would you please welcome back Jazz Emu. So, Elon Musk is planning commercial cruises through space, and you know what every cruise needs? An onboard entertainer. Now, I haven't done a lot of scientific research, but I have played a lot of cruises, and I assume the requirements are the same. Welcome to the ship, it's a cosmic trip.

We're colonizing Mars, 50 highly skilled astro-scientists. And I am also here. Engage all the thrusters in Elon we trust as we fly towards the stars in the presence of a powerful Musk. I had kidney beans for lunch. Apologies. Should I

open a window? Nope. Okay. You guys are the experts. We're all about safety aboard this rocket. We were planning to install emergency sockets But Musk bought Twitter, now we don't have the budget So if you see a fire. If we make it to Mars I am available for hire.

SpaceX, space exploration making new friends on the spaceship. Hey, gang, does anybody have an iPhone charger? SpaceX, space exploration

they said. I'm in charge of navigation Thank God I brought my sat-nav In 140 million miles, turn left at... Mars? Oh, it is lonely on this mission I am missing my wife, Kristen, all her kissing and her love. Oh, but it's fine because I've landed on a way to make us members of the Million Mile High Club. Members of the Million Mile High Club.

Space sexting Kristen through the ship's computer system. This ship's thrusters aren't just on the outside. Whoopsie, what did I just press there? Excuse me, Captain, one tiny question. Does the aubergine emoji activate the airlock? That seems like a design flaw. Oh, I don't mean to cause a panic, but something's coming through the airlock. Oh, we're absolutely fun

Fungal mentally seeing space eggs Space eggs are hatching Oh God, please batten the hatches too late Getting bitten on the face by space eggs Now we are growing

protended bellies And birthing the Martian babies But if I look on the upside When we finally arrive I'll get a lot of work Playing Martian christenings And weddings Mr. Musk, I can start tomorrow.

You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Andrew Doyle, Laura Smith, Daniel Barker and Kiara Goldsmith. The song was written and performed by Jazzy Mew. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Alex Garrick-Wright, Zoe Tomlin, Chris Douche and Cody Darla. The producer was Sasha Bobak and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Why is it called a smart speaker?

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