Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 22nd March

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. Featuring Lucy Porter on Laura Kenny’s retirement, Alasdair Beckett-King on the state of our nation’s health and an original song from Mitch Benn. With voices from Ed Jones and Katie Norris.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Cody Dahler, Zoe Tomalin, Katie Sayer and Peter Tellouche.Producer: Sasha Bobak Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Caroline BarlowA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Lucy Porter, Alistair Beckett-King, Ed Jones, Katie Norris and Mitch Ben. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. So, for the second week running, we begin by pointing out that we know there's an election coming, but we don't know when. And the whole country is treading water until we do. You see, they could be trying to pick a date where the nation might feel good, like during the Euros or straight after Eurovision or during the Olympics. Next for the high jump, Rishi Sunak. The thing the government seems to be most banking on is their plan to send around 300 asylum seekers to Rwanda, leaving only the other 161,000 waiting for a decision still

in the country. Labour predictably criticised the plan this week, claiming that each person sent to Rwanda will cost the same as sending six people into space. Which isn't really fair on the government, because sending migrants into space is a Reform Party policy. LAUGHTER But anything that boosts the PM's image is welcome. This week, for example, it was heavily reported that Barack Obama made what was described as an...

Unannounced visit to Downing Street. Which is interesting, because I've been wondering what Obama was doing nowadays. Oh, hello. Hi, Rishi. I was just in the area and I was wondering... Yes? If I could interest you in buying some tea towels. He then explained that it was a special scheme to help ex-presidents back into work

and showed some badly photocopied ID. Mr Obama also visited Keir Starmer. We don't know why, possibly to discuss a potential opening line of a limerick. This visit wasn't nearly as widely reported because news generally isn't very balanced. GB News was finally found guilty of breaking Ofcom impartiality rules this week, leading Jacob Rees-Mogg to call Ofcom old-fashioned. There is something about Jacob Rees-Mogg calling anyone else old-fashioned that just doesn't compute, especially as he's one of the people who presents news on the channel in his own way.

Oy-ey, oy-ey, and as the flame approaches the base of the fourth candle. Here are the headlines from around the shires and counties of Albion, collated by ice-criveners and delivered to us by trained falcon. We learned this week that GB News lost £42 million last year, largely because of overpaying its presenters, something you'd think an ex-Secretary of State for Business might criticise, but strangely not. In the quest to find a feel-good factor for the election though, they really are trying everything. A headline on the BBC website earlier this week read... Government wants flying taxis to take off in two years. Two years. It's two decades to build a railway from London to Birmingham, but flying taxis

will be with us in 24 months. From the picture I've seen it's basically a giant drone. So the first problem with this plan is that anyone who orders a flying taxi to the airport ends up shutting down the airport. But if you're staying on the ground it's no better. Another traditional promise politicians make in spring is to deal with potholes. But this week it was reported that roads are at breaking point. In some areas councils are trying to persuade climate protesters to lie down in the potholes to fill them temporarily, while others are filled with all the cans that have been kicked down the road over the years. But potholes are interesting politically because they reflect all sides. The left say...

They are a minister cyclist and they are caused by privatised utility companies constantly digging the roads up. The right say... Well, they're getting worse because electric cars are twice as heavy as petrol cars. And the Lib Dems aren't happy about potholes either because sitting in the middle of the road annoying everyone is their job. Whatever your politics, the other big cause of potholes is the effects of extreme weather. Tarmac melts in the

summer and then freezes and cracks in winter, reflecting increasing climate change, which means that potholes officially can be classified as a symptom of the end of the world. Horsemen! Our time has come. Together the four of us shall herald the apocalypse. Let's check everyone's here. War! I am here. Feminine! Present and active. Death! Oh, that's me. I'm here, obviously. So that only leaves our fourth and final member... Potholes! Down here! But is this really a new problem? I mean, thanks to a newspaper headline quoted by the Beatles,

we know that there were 4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire, even in 1967. And Lancashire, believe it or not, is still the second worst county for potholes. But I'm not sure it would be newspapers they'd be quoting nowadays. I thought you'd be in use today, oh boy. The only real solution to it depends on one man, Banksy. All he needs to do is declare that for years he's been secretly making all the potholes himself, and then suddenly they'd be worth enough to dig them up,

sell them all off, and use the proceeds to resurface the roads properly. Incidentally, since 2020, the government have been giving councils half a billion pounds a year to deal with potholes. One person who could use half a billion at the moment is Donald Trump, who needs that much to pay for an appeal bond for his New York fraud case. Now, interest payments mean that the amount Trump owes is currently increasing by about £80,000 a day, a situation familiar to anyone who took out a student loan after 2012. These kind of bonds are commonplace and they're usually fairly easy to find.

Trump's problem though is that no insurance company will lend him the money. Hello, direct line. The problem though is that no insurance company will lend him the money. Hello, Direct Line. Hello, this is your once and future president. Are you looking for car or home insurance? Neither. I would like insurance against criminal charges in New York. Fabricated deep state criminal charges by the way. We don't do that kind of insurance. Oh, okay. Who else can I try? You could ask the meerkats. Are they Russian?

Yes. Good, I can do business with them. So, here to talk about high-profile celebrity retirement, Lucy Porter. This week, it was announced that Dame Laura Kenny would be retiring. Now Dame Laura is of course the UK's Queen of the Olympics, a cyclist who holds five Olympic gold, seven World Championship titles and was the first British woman to win a gold medal at three consecutive Olympics and she was born in 1992. Which I just cannot get my head around by the

calculations of my internal time perception monitor. Someone born in 1992 should just about be studying for their GCSEs. My brain just screams what do you mean she's giving up her bike? Surely she needs it for a paper round. But she is in fact 31. By no means a child, but still at least 36 years away from drawing her state pension. The fact that someone who has only lived through two James Bond's can now take a step back from the public eye as the UK's most successful female Olympian really makes you take a look at your own life. I mean, for a period of at least two Olympics, I've been promising to clear out the garage. We do tend to judge our own lives by these milestones.

Happy anniversary, darling. I can't believe we've been together for five Rugby World Cups. Actually, I prefer to think of it as 15 models of iPhone. Or 10 Ashes series. Or 27 blindingly passionate, but ultimately meaningless affairs that I've had while you've been ignoring me. Gosh. Depressing when you think about it, isn't it? Only four of those ashes were England wins.

I feel a bit better that Laura has at least seen eight prime ministers in her lifetime, although half of those have been in the last few years. And not all of them bowed out of public life as gracefully as Laura. Don't forget me. I'm Liz Trust, returning from beyond the political grave to thwart the left-wing institutions who conspired

against me like the banks of a stock market. Ooh. The undignified spirit of Liz Trust there, the woman who proved that salad leaves means leave. LAUGHTER In contrast, Dame Laura has packed decades' worth of achievement into her comparatively short career. Her story is incredibly inspirational.

Born with a collapsed lung, developing asthma as a child, she was only encouraged to take up sport in order to regulate her breathing, and then went on to win six Olympic medals. That's like finding out that Joe Biden only got involved in politics because his doctor told him it would get him out of the house and might help with his lumbago.

Which, thinking about it, might plausibly be the case. The Guardian described the years 2011 to 2016 as Laura's golden age. And with the London Olympics at its heart, her career perhaps represents a golden age for the country too. It was a moment of national optimism where we felt good about ourselves just before things went catastrophically wrong. Like JFK excitedly telling Jackie about how he can't wait to ride in the new convertible he's picked up, or the captain of the Hindenburg celebrating his successful crossing of the Atlantic by lighting a cigar.

Dame Laura has inspired pride in all of us and terror in her opponents. I can't imagine how intimidating it must have been to compete against Laura, to face an incomparable performer with an insatiable desire for victory clad in a multicoloured jersey. Actually, I can imagine it. I've played just a minute against Charles Brandreth. Both Laura and her husband competed at the Tokyo Olympics

and she said that their childcare arrangements were often absolute carnage. This is an image which I suspect will be familiar to a lot of working parents. My husband and I may not be Olympians, but we both work in comedy, which is similar to international cycling in that you meet a lot of people who are on drugs. LAUGHTER And we, too, have experienced guilt and anxiety

over juggling children and work. But it's hard to talk about that without feeling ashamed or worrying that you sound self-pitying. As Laura herself said, Everyone paints a pretty picture, but we are not robots. And to prove it, she then went on to correctly identify six pictures of traffic lights. LAUGHTER Retirement can be daunting at any age, and I'd imagine especially so for someone who's not even old enough to remember the classic era of Doctor Who.

Or that time when Bucks fears one Eurovision. God, that was great. Obviously at 31 she's unlikely to have the kind of retirement I'm looking forward to, largely based around caravanning, garden centres and hardcore S&M. Me and Liz trust. Every ending can bring sadness, whether it's a glittering Olympic career coming to a close, the last mouthfuls of a really good tiramisu, or the final series of a much-loved Radio 4 comedy show. But it also gives us the chance to look back and remember the good times. I'll really miss the Now Show. It's given so much joy to millions and I've been lucky enough to appear here talking about

subjects from the Brownies to Brexit, which is true. I was on the week before the referendum, putting the Remain position and Simon Evans was speaking up for vote leave, so I still owe Simon a tenner, and the rest of you an apology. LAUGHTER But I'm excited to see what Steve, Hugh and the gang will do next. So, here's to Dame Laura Kenny satisfying conclusions and exciting new beginnings. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was Lucy Porter. Change is the only constant, said the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Or was it Boris Johnson? I can't remember. Change is a funny thing. Ask voters what they want and they say... We want change! But try and change anything and they say... Leave things alone! So change is a tricky one. This week, HMRC, noticing that people only call their tax helpline

in the second half of the year, announced that they were going to close it for the first half of the tax year to save money. Only for Jeremy Hunt to tell them not to do that, because wanting government departments to save money is not something he would ever encourage. From HMRC to the BBFC, where reassessment is going on at the British Board of Film Classification, who reckon that today's audiences are worried about sex scenes in films rated 12 or 12A. Now, you'd assume that these worries are coming from parents, but they're far more likely to be coming from children, because the whole point of 12A is that these are films that they can only see accompanied by an adult.

So what we're talking about here is sex scenes that they have to watch with mum and dad. To the average eight-year-old a two-second kiss between Shrek and Fiona is basically the bathroom scene from Saltburn. Yuck! Plus children do get confused by explicit scenes on a big screen because they're used to seeing them on phones. Yes exactly exactly. Now, the BBFC quoted one respondent to the survey who wanted sex scenes banned from 12As entirely. At the moment, the rules say that for films with a 12 or 12A rating, sexual activity must be... ..discreet and brief.

In other words, like real life. In a 15-rated film, sexual nudity is allowed, but strong detail is likely to be presented in a comic context. Again. Like real life. You never know what's going to offend people nowadays. They even had to warn about mild sexual references

in the Paddington films. Why are you called Paddington? said Mrs. Brown. Paddington looked thoughtful and said, because I like the seedy hotels and general ambience around big railway stations. I see, said Mrs. Brown. And why do you always carry marmalade? Ah. Said Paddington. Now that is a bit embarrassing.

Interestingly, although today's audiences are much more worried about sexual references, they are much less worried about depictions of cannabis smoking. Why else would you be talking to a bear? Said Paddington. Now, sometimes changing things is not as easy as you think so this week we learned that secondary schools in England are turning to PE teachers to plug gaps in maths that's because last year the government missed its target number of maths trainees and only got 63 percent. How did

they manage that? They divided the number of trainees by 100 and multiplied by 63 but that's not the point. The point is they're using PE teachers to teach maths. I mean, surely there are concerns. Sir, I forgot my protractor. Right, you'll be doing Pythagoras in your pants. Change is also happening fast in what's left of our high streets. M&S are moving more of their clothes and homeware online and making more stores food only, which from a

brand perspective does make sense. You want to represent quality in a clearly defined area of the market, not several apparently random things mashed together. This is not just food. This is M&S food and also knickers huge enormous knickers Knickers so big that proportionately any bum looks small M&S come for the ready meals stay for the Bridget Jones cosplay Supermarkets are also changing the way we pay many of them are giving up on self-service tills because they have led to a spate of shoplifting and also because people like to have a human being to talk to.

So surely the answer is to use AI to create a self-service till but with a more human feel. Please scan your first item. How you doing? All right? Sorry, what? Can't believe I've still got another hour till my lunch break. Still, can't complain. Ha ha ha.

It's not just change, but also changes of mind that made the news this week. For example, vapes turn out to cause the same DNA altering changes as cigarettes. So it looks like when you quit, you really should quit and not carry on doing a pretend version of what you used to. I don't mean anyone in particular, Liz Truss. Now, the thing about vaping is that the flavours are so obviously aimed at children. They could easily cut young people's vape habit, but they clearly don't want to. What flavours you got?

I've got broccoli, dry white wine flavour, and hispy cabbage flavour. Nah, forget it. Just give me some of those Paddington condoms. LAUGHTER And finally, something that doesn't change, a scandal in the art world, cos this week it emerged that some dead animals in formaldehyde tanks by Damien Hirst were not made in his 90s heyday, but in 2017 by some assistants and then deliberately aged.

Now, you may remember his original Dead Shark piece, which sold for $8 million, was called... The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. And this new piece is called... The Limitless Gullibility in the Mind of Someone with More Money Than Cents. Thank you very much. APPLAUSE Now, here to plunge us into icy waters,

would you please welcome Alistair Beckett King. CHEERING This week, I discovered Wim Hof, the motivational speaker, fitness guru and ice-bothering Dutchman. If you've seen Wim Hof, you know he looks like a Viking made of corned beef, and he's famous for his ability to withstand cold temperatures. You might know him by his other name, The Ice Man, which is a nickname he so obviously gave himself. You're not allowed to come up with your own nicknames. That's why we don't stand for people saying... Hi, I'm crazy Becky.

No one calls you that, Becky. We call you sad Becky. Now, I don't know why people are so impressed by Vim Hoff's ability to withstand cold temperatures. Penguins can do that. Nobody thinks penguins are tough because they look like someone put a cat in a condom. Meow! Yeah, everyone loves penguins. No one wants to see a penguin being made. But this week scientists at the University of Warwick suggested that there may be some health benefits to the Wim Hof method exercise regime. Now I'm not a scientist but I can't help being

a little sceptical of Mr. Hof. If you look him up on Wikipedia there's a paragraph on the Wim Hof method and the section underneath is titled, Method-related deaths. You see, it turns out ice water is actually very cold. It's quite bad for you. Whether it works or not, I don't think the Wim Hoff method is for me. You see, I already know what it's like to plunge into a barrel full of ice water because I've performed stand-up comedy in Aberdeen. Don't get me wrong, Aberdonians have a fine sense of humour, but they laugh when they want, not when you want. And I respect that. It's the only time I've seen a compare say, You're in for a fantastic night!

And the entire audience reply, We'll see about that. Whatever you think of Wim Hof and his brothers Winkle and Vank, Whatever you think of Wim Hof and his brothers Winkle and Vank, whatever you think of the brothers Hof skipping across the North Pole in their flip-flops and speedos, we have to do something about our nation's health. Apparently children are now shorter on average than they were in 2010.

In fact kids are getting shorter and fatter, which is good news because it means the overall volume of children is staying constant. I'm hardly little Johnny Sports myself. I should be worried about my own health and I know that because of the targeted adverts I get online. They are trying very hard to scare me but like most Radio 4 listeners the internet doesn't really know who I am so the targeted ads I get could not be less relevant. I got one which said, Hey Alastair, is it time to freeze your eggs? Which is nuts because I'm a vegan.

The last ad I saw was an American giving diet advice and the advice was, Don't eat any food your grandparents wouldn't recognise. Which sounds good but I just think this guy does not know my grandparent's diets. My granddad grew up in a working class part of Manchester called Manchester. And he was 63 before he ate any food that wasn't yellow. My granddad was the last of the real granddads. Flat cap, bald head, suspicious of Baba Ganoush.

What was the secret to his longevity? We'll never know because there are no real grandads left. When I was a kid I had two grandads, one on a spare. Now I have zero grandads. Are there any real grandads in the audience? Yeah? What did you do at Dunkirk? Nothing!

You weren't even there. Fake granddad. My granddad probably didn't have the most balanced diet, and he wasn't a tall man. In the 90s, he was often mistaken for a NatWest piggy bank. My generation is too tall. We've grown too large, fed on avocados and broken promises. It's exacerbating the housing crisis, because the bigger you are, the smaller your house feels. Photos of me at home look like Gandalf visiting Bag End.

I for one am sick of gargantuan millennials stalking the land like Godzilla if Godzilla had generalized anxiety disorder. We've got to do something. We've got to get up and do something. That's what Netherlands cardiologist Leonard Hofstra thinks. In the news this week, he struck out at what he calls... Chair use disorder. That is, our addiction to sitting down. Now, I'm looking at you sitting there in the radio theatre audience,

and frankly, I am disgusted and angry at such a flagrant display of chair lust. Hey, I'm no better than you. My name is Alistair Beckett King, and I am addicted to sitting down. For me, it started when I was a student with beanbags. It was a bit of fun in those days. It was a laugh. I thought I could handle it. But sitting down is no walk in the park, let me tell you.

It starts with beanbags, but it moves onto stools, deck chairs, sofas, spinny roundy office chairs. There's comfy chairs with a spring-loaded bit for your feet. Ooh, twang me into comfort, mister. I'm reclining on a cozy dragon. I used to love a love seat. I used to squat on an ottoman. Next thing you know, you buy the towpath at 3am trying to buy a tapestry upholstered Louis XIV armchair with sea-scrawled elbow rests. ABK, check out this pair of water-damaged Queen Anne Chesterfield.

No, leave me alone! Wingback sketch, a wingback's here. No, please! Chays long for the gentlemen, exquisite chays long. Leave me alone, damn you, I choose life! That's got my heart going. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a sit-down. Thank you. That's got my heart going. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a sit down. Thank you.

So as we mentioned earlier, supermarkets are getting rid of self-service tills because they've made it far too easy for people to shoplift. So we have asked our audience this week whether they have ever stolen anything either deliberately or inadvertently Have you ever stolen anything? Yes. Soap from hotels on business trips. I haven't had to buy a cake of soap since 1988. Have you ever stolen anything deliberately? Yes. A brick. What happened? The building collapsed. Have you ever stolen anything deliberately or inadvertently? Yes, a shit glass ornament from Woolworths. I'm still living with the guilt after 60 years.

And the shit glass ornament. So thank you, Torrin, it's for confessing their sins to us there. And now to sing us out, would you please welcome back a giant of The Now Show, Mitch Ben. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was surprised and delighted to be asked back to do The Now Show one last time. Delighted because, of course, I always had a great time

doing the show, it was always great fun, I always looked forward to it. And surprised because, honestly, I had no idea it had still been on the whole time. I was under the impression they wrapped this up eight years ago, that's what they told me. Scamps. To everything there comes an end And this is where we are, my friends

No use in trying to pretend my friends no use in trying to pretend it's sad i know but please don't grieve there's nothing worse i believe than when everybody's wishing you would leave so it's time to say goodbye and everybody knows the reason why i'm afraid that you've outstayed your welcome It's time to say goodbye Your capital has all been spent There's not a rule you haven't bent And you're running out of things to hate Just sling your hook, don't hesitate A cushy job at TB News awaits So it's time to say goodbye

And everybody knows the reason why I'm afraid that you've outstayed your welcome Heave a parting sigh You're hopelessly complacent and corrupt That's not a thing in life that you haven't screwed up You think Bob Jenrick's gonna save you? Are you high? It's time to say goodbye Goodbye. Dennis, Alistair Beckett King, Lucy Porter, Ed Jones and Katie Norris. The song was written and performed by Mitch Penn. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Cody Darla, Zoe Tomalin, Katie Sayer and Peter Talouche.

The producer was Sacha Boback and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. I'm Natalie Cassidy and I'm Joanna P. Now you might know me as Sonia from EastEnders and Stacey from Gavin and Stacey. And while sometimes we are on the telly, mostly we just love watching it. So that's what we're talking about in our podcast Off the Telly. We're chatting about shows we just can't miss and the ones that aren't quite doing it for us. That comfort telly we can't get enough of. And things we know we shouldn't watch but we just can't help ourselves. And we'll be hearing about all the telly

you think we should be watching and talking about too. No judgment here. Well, a bit. Join us for Off the Telly. Listen on BBC Sounds.